Trains, Big Brother, Training Wheels

I travelled back to wales yesterday, I have a Christening to go to on Sunday and various other events to celebrate, my 30th and my Mum's birthday included.

Most people have the good sense not to invite me to Christenings or Weddings, with the only church related activity I've had to endure being funerals. This is my Mum's brother though, and I've yet to meet his new wife so I kind of had to make the effort. So long as the Lord can refrain from smiting me in his House whilst the baby dunking is going on all will be well.

Anyway, it took a little over 2 hours to get from my flat to Euston, probably a distance of 23 miles. It took a little less time to get from Euston to Chester, a distance of 192 miles. That sentence was just to add justification for buying a car later in the year - moving on.
I took my seat at Euston and my standard train experience looked like it was about to begin. The seat next to mine was reserved, a small 1-2 year old child was in the seat immediately to my front and the train was filling up.

Now under normal circumstances this means that the moment the journey begins, the child will attempt the world's longest, loudest and most irritating scream-a-thon whilst the mother looks on tsking and attempting to placate the child with some technique she thinks she saw once on some crappy reality show. The reserved seat would be occupied by someone of questionable personal hygiene who either:

1) Has an intensely boring hobby that he feels must be shared with the world. Collecting Word Fonts, eyebrow classification, window frame spotting - things of this nature.

2) Just got released from prison.

3) Sleeps, snores, drools.

4) You're not sure what's wrong but you have a feeling he used to dissect things as a child to 'see how they worked'.

5) All of the above.

I was ready. I had my Zune, my DS, a book, my phone and a set of headphones.

None of which I needed. The child gurgled and played the whole journey without whining once, my would be murderous, boring cannibal failed to show and I had a pleasant and uneventful journey. Even the normal contingent of shambolic mutants that board at Crewe were relatively non-repulsive.

I did notice one man, he was in a seat in the opposite row of seats. For the first hour of the Euston-Chester journey he had a Sat Nav device out, which he was staring intently at. Now I was fairly sure that the driver of the train, no matter how unskilled, was unlikely to take a wrong turn and end up in a field in Sussex. This guy clearly thought otherwise. After an hour he put the thing away, I assume because it was a the treacherous Southeast - Midlands section of the journey that most concerned him. He didn't get up to tell the driver that he had stopped monitoring his progress, so either he was some kind of unofficial person or (I think you'll agree that this is more likely), he was just satisfied to let him carry on on his own, much like when your dad is pushing you on your first bike and he lets you go without telling you.

At the end of the journey I imagine the young, fresh-faced train driver approached SatNavMan and said 'So SatNavMan (this is probably a title rather than his actual name)...how did I do?'

SNM: 'I don't know, I stopped monitoring after Warwick son, after Warwick......you were on your own'

A tear in both their eyes.

Dad picked me up from Chester, he'd learned a new joke since my last visit. I'll post some pics on facebook if the weather picks up and I can get up the mountain.

Wooooo! Go 'Phins!

Pedro Ramirez - International Latin Lover, AKA Pedr, Pedro, Pete, Piotr (he doesn't know that he has a Russian Mafia alias yet) and Pedwar has secured his position as a God amongst insects. He has secured 2 tickets to Wembley stadium for the Miami Dolphins/NY Giants NFL game in October. We're likely to get altitude sickness, but we are going.

This makes him better than you, I'm sorry but you'll just have to come to terms with it He reliably informs me that I like the Dolphins more than the Giants because of Eli Manning. Yeah, I hate him! grrrr! I am willing to accept other votes from Steelers fans, but no one else!

I know most Brits reading this will likely berate the game, but thanks to Pietro's relentless years of brainwashing I can appreciate the game (or at least the bits of it I understand). He did fail to make me a niners fan though, instead I infuriated him by randomly picking the Steelers as my team only to have them win the Superbowl the following year.

I will never get baseball, I'm sorry Pedr but you're wrong - it's rounders with tight pants.

What the Hell Just Happened?!

Here's the story. Basically, much like Lord Goldsmith is Tony's pet lawyer, delivering an interpretation of the law based on what Tony interprets it as - i.e differently to everyone else in the world, Alberto Gonzales does the same for President Exxon.

For those of you who don't know this story, the run down is that 8 US Attorneys got sacked for not being loyal Bushies - sacked for political rather than practical reasons.

Al tried several strategies to get out of admitting responsibility. Firstly there was the Bart Simpson Defence : 'I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, no-one can prove anything'. This didn't work because diary entries, meetings and emails proved he was aware of something going on.

Secondly was the classic Teflon Shoulders approach. This is where any responsibility or decisions making immediately slides off onto those below, resulting in the 'I didn't make any decisions to do with this' defence. Also proven false by the same emails etc. as before.

Thirdly was the Coma defence. This is where Al, bless his heart, fails to remember anything before the current date. In his defence, he didn't act all surprised byt shouting 'It's 2007?! What is the internet?! Who Am I??!', but he did say words to the effect of 'I have no recollection of that' 71 times during a hearing over the matter. Somebody needs to take some Omega-3 supplements.

Finally they have settled on the Goodyear Blimp approach. This isn't a defence as such, more of a scapegoating/distraction from events - 'Look over there! He's resigning! It must be his fault!'.

However, everyone knows that Gonzales is a vacuous waste of blood and organs who thinks torture is OK, and the right to Habeas Corpus doesn't exist in the US. I did put a whole bit here about America isn't a democracy at all (or Britain) but it was very long and boring and this was meant to be a lighthearted look at a travesty and a pathetic little man. However, I've been in work since a little before 6am and now I'm slightly depressed.

The fun, such as it is, will return later I promise!

Because Rock, Paper, Scissors might be considered too cool.....

t1m3 2 l33t |_|p th4t g4m3 n00b!



That's right folks, RPS has been Geek_Pimped!

[Paddy_Edit]Apparently Rob linked to this a week or so ago and I am naught but a filthy plagiariser![/Paddy_Edit]

Sunday Excuses

It's very dull and miserable outside today, and despite what you may think - this is a good thing. It's good for a variety of reasons but mainly my Sunday Excuses.

If it was sunny and pleasant outside I would spend the day doing exactly what I am doing, only feeling guilty about it because I should be outside hiking or something. Rich Lowe, who visited on Friday, hasn't helped matters by buying me a book caled '132 seize the days', it's full of things to do at weekends and Bank Holidays. Lonely Planet is entirely staffed by those really annoying people, you know the ones - where every single item they own was given to them by some villager, or goat herd or vegetarian cannibal in the jungles of Peru.

I'm joking of course, there are a couple of good things in it that I might give ago and it was a thoughtful present. I'm right about the Lonely Planet people though.

So anyway, normally I would feel guilty about staying in and doing not much, which is where the second layer of facade comes in. 'I'm working on my website'. Roughly translated this is 'I have my editor open, and I'm buggering about with margins whilst not achieving anything'.

I have a new reason today, Emi is working hard to complete her dissertation so I am nominally staying in 'working on my website' in moral support. The differnce is that she awesome, good at what she is doing and general aceness on toast. I on the other hand, will maybe draw a few stick men.


Hmmm, the sun is trying to come out. devious sod.

Tales from the Crypt

I turned 30 last Sunday and I am feeling surprisingly spritely. I think you'll agree that there are only a handful of plausible explanations for my apparent good health:

Reason 1: Inspired by my grasp of fingerpaints, my parents decided I was a child prodigy but they realised that the school (run by The Man, cunningly disguised as Mrs Jones) would not accept one so young. They forged my records and claimed I am older than I am. Once they realised their error in judgement regarding my cognitive ability, it was too late to rectify the situation.

This would place me at least a year younger than my published age of 30 and also explain my poor choices in secondary school. It all fits.....

Reason 2: Aliens.

No explanation required....it all fits....

Reason 3: It's entirely possible Mephistopholes was around on Saturday during the celebrations and, at a loose end, bargained for my immortal soul, granting me extra time before my spiral into the clutches of Death.

If this is the case, he kind of loses because I am already dead inside. Of course, that in itself may be the result of another contract I signed in a similar drunken stupor with another Infernal bargain-hunter. If this is the case then I could get a few more years just out of the legal wrangling alone. This would make me a genius (see 1) and also it all fits.........

Reason 4: I have mastery over time. Evidence? All my favourite things from the 80s are cool again!

Granted my mastery looks like it only extends to what I deem cool, seems incapable of bringing back my flat stomach and also has brought back pastel yellow as a fashion choice for men. Every power has it's limits, so this .....all fits.



Me after my birthday celebrations, I'm told you can't see any wrinkles or grey hairs...

Gaffa Tape - a million and one uses

As the Facebook group rightly says 'If you can't fix it with Gaffa tape, you haven't used enough'.

White Collar Pikeys

Now I don't use the word Pikey in the same way as Guy 'Mockney' Ritchie [Not Pearce as I previously stated!] or to denigrate travellers. I'm using it in its more 'How cheap do you have to be to do that?' sense.

Allow me to elaborate. A little while ago I brought a 6 pack of Sprite to work with me, we have fridges and stuff that we can use in the kitchen area. Within a few days they had been nicked, which was annoying but I gave the benefit of the doubt - perhaps someone of limited mental capacity thought the management had generously provided a 6 pack of sprite in order to quench the thirst of the 200 or so people who work in my building.

So I brought more in, because it is quite warm at the moment. I then did something I really didn't want to do. Something we are told to do when using the fridges but something I found akin to sewing your name in your socks. I wrote my name on the packaging. I know! Its super lame, but I had to be sure before spewing forth bile and venom!

Anyway, sure enough someone nicks it. Now I don't begrudge my fellow man the opportunity to quench his thirst and if asked I would probably say 'sure, take one!’ But the fact someone is just wandering in and taking my things is a little galling - especially as there is a vending machine about 50 yards away in the other building. Seriously, how cheap do you have to be to steal from your colleagues rather than walk a few yards and spend 50p?

There is no way of not making myself look petty here so I won't try; it's just an irritating and senseless thing that has annoyed me.

It did get me thinking if I was the only one or not. I mean maybe this person lives a glorious life of free sustenance. Stealing my Sprite, and then perhaps having someone else’s salad as a starter. Another person's pasta as a main course then tops it all off with a refreshing yoghurt for their dessert? Kind of like an office Urchin of some description out of a twee novel. Only one that earns quite a large amount of money and rather than being a cute scamp, is just a selfish twat. But other than that the analogy works.

Instead of 'Please sir can I have some more?', it's 'I'm a waste of blood and organs but I still need stuff, rather than ask I will just assume this is mine'

I could of course be completely wrong. The perpetrator could be trying to start a communist revolution within the company; this could be their way of stating that property is theft and that the proletariat should rise up against the soft-drink owning oppressors such as me. 6 cans of sprite out of a total of 6 in the fridge, possibly in the building, could easily constitute and unfair monopoly of Sprite resources within the building. Instead of squirreling the now warm soft drinks in my draw, I could have shared my cool beverages with my fellow workers and united against the common foe of 'that bloke whose wife always makes him really nice dinners who works on the Centrica account'.

Or whoever did it is just a prick.

Yay though I walk throught the valley of Death....

So I'm 30 on Sunday and apparently this is a big deal. I hadn't really planned to do anything other than buy some cardigans and prepare for the icey Hand of Death to land on my shoulder. My logic was thus: 'Things are a bit busy right now and besides, I'll be 30, surely it's a big enough number for me to justify having a 12 month celebration?'. The idea was basically to do a bunch of stuff I've been meaning to do but never really got round to - see more shows, especially comedy gigs, go see some different places. Nothing out of the ordinary - just pulling my finger out.

Then 2 things occurred to me. Firstly I am no longer as busy as I was and secondly it will be less effort to go out and do something than it would to not go out and explain to people the logic behind not going out. So. I'm going out.

So far the plan is food and frol in Guildford on Saturday night but I am open to suggestions - it's just I have a few friends I haven't seen in an age down Guildford way. Obviously after midnight I'll be explaining to everyone how 'I remember when all this was just fields' (as opposed to the Iraqi 'I remember when all this was just buildings').

The age is clearly getting to me as I don't think I have posted before work before so I am clearly developing the knack of getting up at 4:30am to build a non-existant fire and start boiling the evening meal's vegetables.

It's been a while since I had a proper night out around here, so Saturday is as good a day as any, feel free to join me - just follow the smell of piss and talc.

Kindergarten Hops

I'm sorry, I know, even as puns go this one is lame. When I care I'll be sure and let you know.

A story that the BBC are running today is talking about underage drinking, one of our national sports. Now I know there are serious issues here about alcopops and the like and a whole host of other issues.

To be honest though, my blog is becoming a bit dull so I'd rather take the piss if it's all the same to you? The sentence that made me laugh in this story was this:

"t is currently illegal to give an alcoholic drink to a child under five except under medical supervision in an emergency."

What kind of emergency?! At what point are you going to be in a public place, with a small child collapsed on the floor, surrounded by paramedics with one shouting 'Is there a Bartender in the house?! This boy needs a flaming Sambuca STAT!'?

And what constitutes an emergency? What if the child is particularly privileged and he is eating Stilton, surely he has to wash it down with a half decent Port?

I am desperately avoiding the issue here because the whiners in this particular tale have completely missed the point, there are far wider issues affecting children than whether they are given a glass or beer with a meal. Even from a laymen's perspective, the areas where kids are most likely to comem under the umbrella of 'Alcohol abuse' will be the same areas that have massive teen pregnancy (not massive teenagers who are pregnant....though I guess some are.....) and high levels of drug abuse. Fining parents is not going to solve anything, how about fining the people responsible for the Socio-Economic state of those areas? Some might suggest there is some link between behaviour and environment.

Ok, so much for the avoiding the issue.... back to the fun! OK, next time I promise - nothing but bollox!

Little Secrets

Very little in fact. Tiny little secret. Specifically my little friend Sam told me a little secret that I had to keep until today. Little in size, not in magnitude - huge secret about a very little thing.


LOOKIT!


Anyway, this isn't something I would normally get excited about but Sam is about the closest thing I have to a sister, and she RAWWWWWKS! As do her whole family (who are basically mine and vice versa). This means I am allowed to abandon my usual curmudgeonyness and be happy. Also because i know Sam and Niall will be awesoem parents, not the rubbish ones that appear to dot our land!

Anyway so congratulations to Sam and Niall and also on their upcoming houseness!



Sam is the tiny one on the right. It's a funny perspective trick, she had to stand really close to the camera while Niall stood 20 feet behind her. Bless her tiny tiny cotton socks.

2007 WIllpower Useage

I used it all yesterday and I'm feeling pretty good about it to be honest. I had the results of my performance review yesterday, they were good but not as good as I would have liked. Normally I am quite self-critical but I know I did enough over 2006 to at least be considered for a better rating, and I provided my Staff Manager with enough ammunition to argue my case. Ultimately he couldn't be arsed and tried to blame my colleagues on the project I work on. He then proceeded to reveal how he had sabotaged my training requirements, again because rather than argue the business case I had laid out for him to get me on a useful accredited course, he booked me onto some bollox internal crap that will make me want to kill the trainer. Now to get the course I want I have to promise to extend another year on the project I am currently on, which limits my options for another year.

I was quite mad yesterday, not because of the rating so much because it was still quite good, but because they guy who is supposed to help me with my career has revealed himself to be a useless, lying gobshite. I suspected as much last year, but I had only been here 6 months so worked on all the things he told me to work on. Anyway, I digress.

Normally when I'm annoyed I would go for a drink andor buy something shiny or clothes or something else 'permanent' and new - along with a take away. I went into town at lunchtime yesterday, after successfully not stabbing my SM in the face with a biro (score for me!). While there went into a clothes store and picked up several shirts and a pair of jeans. Then I remembered my plans, and was not going to let The Man knock me off track! I also avoided buying a couple bottles of Pinot at Sainsbury's, a Subway, a DVD and a new computer game.

I did end up spending some money, but that was for Save the Children so it's allowed. Ultimately, I felt a lot better having defeated The Man's attempts to make me break my previous day's commitments. I know that's the true reason behind the performance of my SM and the company, they can't fool me!

In other news, I appear to have nothing on this weekend. I don't mean I'll be naked you filthy perverts, merely that I have no plans. If you're lucky there may be progress on the website. It's unlikely but you never know ;)

Moving on.....

On the way back from Wales on Sunday I made some decisions. The main one was that I could really do with a car. It does pain me to say it, but right now getting to and from the places I want to go is worse than pulling teeth - especially given that I usually have to travel back on a Sunday.

I haven't owned a car in over 5 years, I haven't needed one. Most people who tell you they NEED their car are talking out of their arse. Cars are a convenience for almost everyone who owns one, so don't tell me that you NEED it. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a thing against drivers, I have a thing against whining drivers who lie.

Especially anyone who owns anything 4*4 who lives in a town. You are an idiot and have no right to any opinions, especially where cars are concerned. I'm serious, shut up - I don't care how steep your drive is go and buy a car or a people carrier you inconsiderate arsewipe.

Incidentally, has anyone noticed how the bigger the car/Chelsea tractor outside a school, the smaller the insignificant nymph that is spat forth from it?

Anyway, I digress. Travelling back on a Sunday is generally like pulling teeth. I am also seeing a lot less of people that I want to see, mainly due to the fact that it costs the best part of £100 before I even arrive. Then I'm at the mercy of timetables, and a variety of interesting reasons for trains not running. I don't need a car, but I do want one.

There are other reasons that will make it convenient - if I move jobs or locations then having something of my own to transport things makes it easier. Equally for work travel etc. It would be a convenience and it would mean I could see all the people I've seen over recent weeks more often, as well as people like Emi who I haven't seen in an absolute age.

OK, so that was quite dull, but I got to ditch this stuff before fun and laughter can resume!

So - I have devised various cunning methods in order to gain the necessary monies for said vehicle, all of them revolving around not actually spending everything I earn. It'll be tough but I have some money saving initiatives:

1) Stop writing off a portion of my wages for XBox360/gadget related expenses.

2) Stop drinking when in the pub - This doesn't mean I give up alcohol, simply giving up alcohol when going for a 'casual drink'. I live in Surrey, this is a minimum of 20 pounds a time because apparently they brew everything in Platinum vats. I am not going to tell you how much money I worked out I spend on 'going for a pint' every week. It's shocking.

3)Eat food before it returns to life and makes a bid for freedom. Like a lot of people, a lot of food I buy ends up thrown away. I must return to studentdom and plan my food buyingness ratehr than shop hungry like I always do!

This coupled with other things will ensure I get a half decent car, I have picked one of the uglier French cars as my probable targets, but basically something about the size of a Focus.


*********************************************************

This is going on a bit, sorry - nearly done.

I nearly fell over at the first hurdle. I love my camera but it's too big to take out to the pub and stuff with me, or just to carry around. It's one of those you go somewhere to use, rather than use when you end up somewhere. So I decided I need a compact one but cunningly my phone contract is up for renewal which gives me a free upgrade. So I am going to use my proper phone for phone-ness, then if I go out I will use a new camera-esque phone (like Sony Ericsson) for pubbing etc. this completely contradicst something I wrote on Julie's blog earlier but it's not the same thing damnit! (IT'S NOT!). This isn't going to be a camera-phone. It will be a camera with a ring tone.

Piss off, I'm British - we make a career out of hypocrisy.

One, some or all of the above?....

I have been lame I know, but I been so busy! And not busy too...

Anyway, I've been fairly active and stuff has happened, however I don't want to write a big long essay right away so what i have decided to do is list the things I've been up to of late and you can decide which you want to hear about and in what order! I am a genius - do you see what I did there? I will also be providing you with an up to date post too though so don't worry, I will still ramble a little ;)

OK so when did I loast post?......Oh Ok. Errr OK.

Right so I left you with my so far non-existant website. The week after that was mental busy at work, and basically that is all I did until the weekend:-

Friday 30th -> Monday 2nd April - One of my best friends from home Mike came to visit - He had to leave his Harris Hawk alone for a few days, which was risky cos last time he did that it decided that Slug was it's new primary food source and made himself quite poorly.

Easter Weekend - thursday met up with Rich Brewood, one of my old housemates who I hadn't seen in nearly 2 years - me, him and his sister ate at an excellent thai restaurant on Good Friday then went to watch Richard Herring do stand up at the Arts Theatre in London - it was awesome.

Last Weekend - Got a lift home to Wales, saw lots of family and friends, watched Mike's band play, got a riode in Jonny Shaw's new Lotus Elise - which was amazing because Jon is one of these people who women throw themselves at so it was good he fit me into his 'making women's clothes fall off' schedule. It was good to see him and Pedr again.



OK so if you're interested in any, all or none of that vote now and I will elaborate over the coming days! Otherwise we'll move on lol!

Correspondance from beyond the grave.....

OK, so the site wasn't quite as easy to play with as I'd thought. It would have had abasic structure if I didn't spend ages trying to work out how to get into the blog engine. As it is I may need to look elsewhere for things to hack. If I get out of work before 8, I promise I'll post this everning!

Checking the Pulse

I'm still here I promise! I have quite a few updates but I am going to see if I can get the new blog up and running today, if I can I'll put stuff there - if not watch this space lol!

Prepare for the new Rant Order!

I've just bought a domain name and a nice bit of internet out in the country. When it's ready, me and the blogs will be moving. It's best to do it now while the oldest is still a just a couple of years old.

Why? It's mainly so I can do some technical thngs, I haven't really touched any for years with the job I have and so I am going to try and find time to learn outside work. Also I have never done webbyness before, so I am gonna give it a go and see what I can pick up.

It'll probably be months before I work out what the hell I doing anyway, but I thought I would let you all know that there may very well be a shiny new site for you to visit! All I need to do is work out how to code webby things, PHP and MySQL. Easy.

Update: I now have an under constrcution page. I didn't realise until today how long its been since I did anything technical, I have a feeling the 'Under construction' page will be there for some time to come lol! Anyway it's here.

Notes on the weekend....

Just so you know I am still alive ;)

I'm still pretty busy at work, hence the paucity of entries of late, so apologies for that!

Friday - I didn't do much Friday night so that's short and sweet for you. Unless you count ridding Pacific City of baddies with my super-human Crackdown man on the XBox 360. Oh and I found some old Comedy Store shows that I watched, with the beginnings of Marcus Brigstocke's 'David Blaine - Git Wizard' material. I particularly enjoyed the story of the man who flew a R/C Helicopter carrying a burger past Blaine's box. Also the description of him as 'A shameful waste of blood and organs'.



Saturday - Saturday I spent making my room fit for human habitation as my old housemate Laura was coming to visit. Technically she was visiting her grandparents in Cobham, which I live near - but lets just let my ego have it's moment of glory shall we?

My amazing planning skills didn't let me down, and my night out with about a dozen people evaporated throughout the day with various people not getting in touch and me losing the will to live. To be honest, the good people of Pacific City needed my strong brand of law enforcement far more than those ingrates needed my help to organise a piss-up anyway. It got to a point where it was looking like we couldn't make until fairly late on anyway, and transport back is always crappy so we decided to hit the local. This helped increase our drinking time by a couple of hours, and also meant there was less chance of us getting lost on the way back.

Anyway, small bunch of us went to the local and got drunk - me and Laura got back into stride with catching up and insults and basically had an awesome night. She's promised to sneak down without telling her grandparents next time. I'm not sure this lying fits in with my Law Protecting credentials, but as it is not taking place within the bounds of Pacific City, its entirely outside my jurisdiction.

SundayYesterday (after morning patrol obviously!) I spent my time evenly divided between eating bacon sandwiches (Maple cured...mmmmmmmm!), watching Comedy Store stuff and playing on my DS.

Now here's the thing about that. You know how people talk about Dog Years? Like 1 human year is equivalent to 7 dog years? Well that's how me and my people are with gadgets. Basically, 1 Gadget Freak month is equivalent to 7 Human Months. So when I buy a new gadget or game, I'm really excited for about a week (if that) before it becomes an addition to my 'stuff'. Hence my current attempts to cut back you see.


The exception to this rule is the Awesomeness that is the Nintendo DS Lite. To cut a long story short - before my Pittsburgh trip I ordered Age of Empires for my DS, it didnt arrive and I forgot about it. However it did eventually arrive but as I have not been on any long journeys has remained unplayed, until yesterday. Now I was sat in my room, surrounded by lots of gaming power (PC, enormous TV and 360). Specifically I was sat there playing ona hand-held console. And this is the power of that thing, it is just mind blowingly good. I have had it for about 6 months or more, and I still love it and use it - in Human time this is about 4 years. Seriously people, I lost about half my Sunday to this thing.

I should highlight that these days it's quite rare for me to lose such large amounts of time to a single game - even the fine upstanding people of Pacific City only received and hour or two of my benevolent, law upholding violence at any one time.

Which leads me on to how I deal with the morning after the night before. Generally it involves snacking, sugary drinks, sugarless tea, pork based 'meals' and TV shows. By TV Shows, I mean stuff that I can watch continuously throughout the day, there is nothing like a good vegging day after a night out. This 'one item to focus on' method is probably why Age of Empires suited so perfectly yesterday. After I helped the original Crazy Frog - Jeanne D'Arc - liberate Orléans, I decided to call it a day - tonight I complete the campaign by leading the Dauphin, Charles VII, to Reim to be crowned King of France. Incidentally, sequels are usually crap but in Chuck's case, number VII was a totally the best episode.

Anyway, I'm rambling now, this was only meant to be a short post but has turned into an epic.

Help, I can't feel my face!

OK, so I went for a couople of well deserved beers after work yesterday, got there about 6:30. I only had like 4 pints, then we headed back to the flat, so it was still only about 8-8:30 at this point.

Anyway, I decided I would knock a chilli up, which I duly did. I did make a couple of errors in judgement, chief amongst these was the fact that I had some fairly good chilli powder in stock at last. It's not great but better than the usual supermarket junk.

The problem here was that I was currently used to using the supermarket stuff, and suplementing that with things with actual flavour and kick. Anyway, long story short - I used too much chili powder. This had the effect of me gettting some taco shells, cheese, tomatoes etc. Then preparing my plate with all the bits I'd need to enjoy my meal.

The I sat down in front of Bremner, Bird and Fortune and began to enjoy my meal. By 'enjoy' I of course mean 'experience stroke-like numbness in half my face'. It was like having a chemical peel inside my mouth.

Don't drink and Spice folks, it ruins lives.

Terry's Chocolate Orange

It's crap.

Thosw of you of a foreign, barbaric persuasion may not be aware of this confection. It's a Milk Chocolate oragnge chocolate that comes in the shape of an orange. You give it a whack and unwrap it and it is all in Orange-esque segments.

I remember seeing ads as a child thinking that this must be extra special stuff!

I went to Budgens the other day and saw that it was on special offer if you bought 2, and they also had a dark chocolate variety. I don't buy a lot of chocolate but as i stood there it occurred to me that I had never actually bought one of these things - I have a vague recollection of trying a bit of one. Anyway, i bought one of each and stuck em in the fridge.

I tried 'em today and to be fair to Terry's - the advertising is superb cos the chocolate, while nowhere near Hershey's bad, is certainly worse than Nestle.

Anyway, short post - Terry's chocolate orange is poo.

The Front Bottom Monolgues???!

Some school girls in New York got suspended from school for using the 'v' word during a recitation from the Vagina Monologues. Let me just say that again. Some school girls in New York got suspended from school for using the 'v' word during a recitation from the Vagina Monologues.

The story is here.

Now the school is saying that they were suspended for disobeying orders, rather than what was said. The specific order being 'When you do your recitation of the Vagina Monologues, don't say Vagina'. I wonder how the introduction was supposed to go?....

Thing is, I've watched the Vagina Monologues - a performance given by the author I believe - on Channel 4. Now I appreciate I am a man and therefore according to this piece of work basically equivalent to syphilis, but I have to say I didn't think much of it. I just really think that it's one of those things that is successful because of its controversy rather than its artistic merit. Any male equivalent would be immediately crucified. Luckily that would never happen outside the realm of comedy (Talking Cock - Richard Herring - yes I am a child!). I vaguely remember hearing about a play with similar subject matter to the VM but done with far more subtlety and art and thought. I can't comment on it, I haven't seen it and can't even remember the name!

OK so here's the disclaimer - I'm a man. This play isn't aimed at me and I know there is an element of the audience for this thing that loves to feel that us men 'just don't get it' then shuffle off with a self-satisfied air. I'm not interested in you, I am interested in the people with a genuine opinion , as opposed to the ones who think 'this is about me, therefore I must say it is good'. I know I am not meant to get it, I was just offering an opinion and I'd be glad to hear yours.

I am also perfectly aware that as soon as women work out a way of taking the lids off jars, men are effectively obsolete (think I nicked that off someone).


Right, back to the New York thing. Why were these kids banned from using an anatomically correct medical term in a school? I can understand them censoring the witty and incisive part of the play where the woman on stage shouts 'C***!' for about 15 minutes. But the dreaded 'V' word? What happens in biology class in these schools? Do they have a diagram of a Stork?

I'm genuinely fascinated by this, banning the vocalisation of a word that is in the title of what you are presenting. Were the school hoping that their education provision was so appalling that none of the audience was able to read the flyers? Seriously, someone help me out here cos I am struggling!

Quiet Drink....

It appears that our gentle reunion drink near Victoria tomorrow has taken on a life of it's own. So far Dr Robotnik has developed an entourage of at least 2, Nim the Tart will have a posse of indeterminate size and I've managed to persuade (for persuade, read inform) Shipley that he is coming along. In addition to this I appear to have got half the London element of my project to come along.

Happy days.

Forward planning - my very own Kryptonite

I swapped an on call day last Friday to this Friday so that i could go visit Hannah, completely forgetting that I also have plans this Friday to meet up with Niemesh the Uber-Tart and RoboMatt (or Dr Robotnik since he got his Phd). We haven't seen each other for ages and we need some post-work drink and merriment in order to slag off the firm and generally catchup.

I shall have to employ all my powers of persuasion in order to convince some other chump kind soul to swap out a Friday with me.....

More notes on Guitar Hero.....

It occurred to us that if you got Guitar Hero 2 with 2 guitar controllers - that allows one player to be guitar and the other to play bass. You then integrate that with Sing Star and Donkey Konga. Finally, add Dance Dance Revolution to the mix. You now have a band, complete with lead singer, backing vocals and even your own dance troupe!

You get all these games working together on XBox Live and you can have Battle of The Bands! mwahaahahahahah!

Of course there is an argument put forward by pedants and the socially adept that you could just learn instruments and form a real band. I do not let your petty "facts" ruin my logic!

PS

Kudos to Julie - check out her Rocking-ness!



After months of playing, she's truly made it. Don't forget us little people Julie!

Hannah, Guitar Hero and the Beginning of The End

So I went to visit my friend Hannah over the weekend. She is one of my best friends from Uni (I'm not 30 yet so am still allowed to use the term 'best friend'). I rarely get to go to Hull these days for reasons already discussed which means I haven's seen Emi or Astrid since about October, which is lame beyond belief.

So I got to Leamington Spa about 8-ish and we had to drop some stuff off, and Hannah needed to open her Christmas presents - she got an R/C pirate ship which made her very happy. I got Stopit and Tidyup on DVD along with the book of General Ignorance and a tom Holt book, which made me very happy. Hannah insisted on being called Captain though decided against the eye patch for the trip to the pub.

We then went to a great pub called Robin's well where we drank lots, mainly of Vodka Mules. It was great fun catching up and taking the piss out of each other and those around us until Hannah's constitution gave out and we needed to leave. We picked up Pizza from a fantastic pizzeria and stumbled homeward.

The next morning I got up and watched some DVDs, infuriating Hannah by deciphering her house mate's Remote control configuration - a task that has eluded all but the house mate concerned. What can I say? Some people are great artists or doctors, I am good with gadgetry.

I watched some Mighty Boosh,, which I love. Later in the day, the football was on. I' however, was otherwise occupied. I had a quick go on Guitar Hero II earlier that morning and decided I was going to borrow Nick's PS2 and get me the game. then learned that it was coming out for the XBox 360, only with a cooler looking guitar, more songs and the guitar would be wireless.

While the footy was on I went about ordering the 360 version using my mobile phone on the Play website. I am now waiting for the game to arrive and my social life to end. it's horrendously addictive, as described by Julie
.


PS2 version



360 version.

More later.

Checks and Balances

Since I got back from the US I've rarely seen my flat before 7pm on a week night, due to various things going on at work. This, for once, isn't a complaint it's just a fact. Changes to my team mean I'm either short handed or have relatively new and untrained people (I should point out that the team is only 3 big including me so it's not as grand as it sounds! lol). Add to that that the auditors are in, I've decided to to take on a bunch of other work that's unrelated to my role and that it is the end/beginning of the month and you have a perfect recipe for working late. It's awesome.

On the plus side I know when things quieten down a bit I'll pretty much be able to take a fair chunk of the lost time off in other places. I live a 20 minute walk from the office so it's easy enough as things go. Another downside is that my 1 man mission to increase the profile of the lesser celebrated Patron Saints days is going to take a blow as it's St David's day today and I originally planned to drink like some one was going to take it away whilst singing poorly (if at all) remembered Welsh songs.

I'll have to make up for it later in the year when George and Andrew come around, Paddy doesn't need my help (who according to the Dublin tour bus I was on a few years ago was, in fact, Welsh).

Tomorrow, I will leave a little early because am on a long overdue trip to harass my friend from University Hannah. She is currently up in Leamington Spa which is a location that defies all known rail laws. To get a return ticket to visit my friends in Hull is in the region of 90 quid, to get to Chester on the way home is about 65. To get to Leamington Spa is a bizarrely reasonable 16. This made me happy, though I imagine she will regret it.

Anyway, so I'm going up to drink and be merry and eat pizza. I think we have a Godfather Marathon planned too, which should be fun for me at least. I'm looking forward to it, I haven't seen her since well before Christmas. I'm long overdue a visit to Hull to see Emi, Astrid and some other friends too but right now I can't take any holiday time to make the journey long enough to outstay my welcome. There are plans in motion though.

In a couple weeks one of my old housemates, Laura, is coming down this way to visit her grandparents so we have a weekend planned there too, it'll be awesome to see her again. More drinks and more merriment! I'm hoping to organise a bunch of people into a night in Guildford as there are several people I've not seen around the area for ages, one or two of whom Laura knows too. I'll keep you posted. You're on the edge of your seats I can tell.

Just thought I would have a crack at a 'what I am up to' entry rather than the usual fare. Back to work.

The Balance

Having ranted and railed for the last few posts, I feel it's time to restore balance by talking about some things that don't annoy me. It's not as short a list as you might imagine.

1)

I really don't think I need to elaborate - look at how cool he is.

2)Curry - I like hot currys, but that's not to say they shouldn't be tasty. It's gotten to the point where I rarely order take out Indian food now because I order hot food, and I am guessing that because they generally cater for the moron 'how hot can I go?' market, they don't waste their time balancing flavour. As such I prefer making curry, though which one depends on who I am eating with. Curry is the don, but moderately intensive in required ingrediants, preparation and sometimes cooking time. Which leads me neatly on to...

3) Chili - Now this isn't the traditional thing I don't think. We've discussed before the use of chuck meat and non-beef based chilis in Texas and the like. I am happy to concede that what they do is the 'proper' thing and what I do is unlikely to approach what a chili is supposed to look like. However. All I need is a large onion, some kind of chili content (jarred and mashed, dried, fresh - whatever is to hand), some chili powder (I am using crap at the moment but rajah is my preferred), some cumin, some kind of beef stock or even marmite will do a good job, some tomato puree and some tinned tomatoes. Oh, and the minced beef. And kidney beans.

Now everything on that list is pretty much a stock item in my kitchen, all that needs to happen is to chuck it all in a pan in a certain order, add some water then simmer for about 2 hours or so. This is why Chili rocks, you make a whole load of it and a blind monkey could make a passable one.

4)Computers - I love to hate you. As infuriating as they are, it's amazing the stuff that you can amuse yourself with on a computer. Some people get home and watch the TV. I am a proper geek and I'm into all this 'on demand' stuff. I don't want to schedule my life around the TV guide, I want to pick the shows I want to watch and download them after they've been aired. So I do. Games are also obviously played in various forms. The sad thing is the amount of processing power I have but I end up playing www.addictinggames.com. Who cares?

Also, I get to listen to radio 4 comedy shows without having to listen to anything else on Radio 4.

5) Pubs - I mean places you can go for drinks with a group of people and sit down and have the kind of conversations you can only have over a drink. I do not mean bars with 1 seat available or where they are so packed as to be utterly repugnant. Busy is fine, but I don't go out just to drink - though that's fun too!

6) Penguins - who doesn't like penguins?

The list does go on, these are just a few of my favourite things. People don't feature cos you know who you are and, besides, most of them can't be arsed to read my ramblings - they get enough of it in the pub ;)

Now then. I'm allowed another dozen or so whining posts right?

Cash Whore

James Cameron really will do anything for money, I mean he'll make any old shit up. I love the fact that a film director is making 'Historic Announcements' that contradict all local, expert and received knowledge.

With one wave of his soulless, manipulative hand he dismisses the fact that the names he is wiffling on about were as common in Israel back then as John and Steve are in Britain today.

Don't get me wrong, the article isn't wrong in suggesting that cynics like myself love to see holes poked in the various religions around the world and the bizarre things that they believe in, I would just prefer it was done by someone with an ounce of credibility, not some Hollywood fact Prostitute.

One of my favourite lines from this article is that Cameron says "....the discovery of the tomb does not undermine the key Christian belief that Jesus was resurrected three days after his death....". His next shocker "My study of lapland and it's environs does not undermine the fundamental belief in Santa Claus" He also says that finding a grave marked mary next to the other names is like finding 'A grave marked Ringo next to George, John and Paul'. No James, it's like finding a grave marked Mary in a Catholic grave yard. Dickhead.

It's basically more tripe piggy backing on the success of the literary loose bowel water that is the da Vinci Code. Now of course the rabid religious masses with nothing better to do with thier time will be wailing and gnashing their teeth at how this film is the work of the devil, Cameron will win more plaudits for his interpretation of what I will call, for want of a better word, facts. In fact if people sit down and look at anything he has produced post-Aliens and look at it objectively, you'll realise that it's nothing but crap dressed in tinsel. Maybe that's a bad analogy, maybe dipped in gold would be better. And with a massive marketing team to distract you from poking it too hard so that you notice it goes 'squoosh' and smells a bit funny.

Sadly he knows how to work a crowd. This 'documentary' could be presented by Barny the dinosaur postualting that Jesus was a Rastafarian bisexual stripper and it would get massive ratings...........Actually that's a show I would watch.....I digress, point is content is nothing to this man. He clearly signed his creativity over to someone else after the post-production of Aliens was done.

The worst thing about this whole thing is that the media, thanks to Cameron, is going to beable to whip up more religious fervour about another piece of non-news. Lots of people are going to think they are very important and intelligent because they will be asked for their views. Even though they believe that the Bible is the EXACT word of God. This obviously entails believing that not only can a human live to be 969 but also that one man can build a boat that was:

...... taller than a 3-story building and had a deck area the size of 36 lawn tennis courts. Its length was 300 cubits (450 feet, or 135 meters); its width was 50 cubits (75 feet, or 22.5 meters); it had three stories and its height was 30 cubits (45 feet, or 13.5 meters).

And then proceed to fit 2 or 7 (depending on the animal) of every living thing on earth on to it.

As you can imagine, it doesn't take much to wind these people up.

In the words of the Sainted Linda Smith "I'm not religious, I get on with most people".

Men at Work

I've received complaints that I am complaining about politics too much lately. Oh and I've been absent from posting due to the fact I have been working longer hours down the salt mines lately and actually doing work while I am here. Shocking I know.

Anyway, you'll notice the hair post I put up that was started last week and only got published today. And today I have something else to complain about and that is people who dig holes in roads.

Invariably they choose to do this in the middle of a one way system at rush hour. I don't drive right now but the logic infuriates me. What's brought this on? I don't sleep well, so if I doze off before 1am this is a moral victory. Being woken up at 1:45am because someone is digging a hole in the road with a Pneumatic drill is likely to put me in a bad mood you see. Problem I have is getting to sleep - once I am there it's difficult to wake me up, however once I am woken up the whole sorry cycle starts again.

I'm not sure why they were doing it, I'm sure it was some kind of emergency because men in High Visibility jackets generally don't leap into action at that time in the morning. Actually 'leaping into action' isn't their bag at all, at any time of day. What did confuse me when I emerged from my flat this morning was that there was a huge hole in the road and not a single workman. When the rest of the world was going off to do their jobs, their work here,apparently, was done.

Now I've calmed down I have to say that, thinking back on it, it's quite funny hearing a man knocking holes in a road with a Pneumatic drill whilst trying to be as quiet as possible.

Evangelimacs

This kind of article pisses me off. Even though it highlights flaws with Apples, it goes back to how terribly plagued Windows machines are with all manner of evil.

OSX has not spyware or virus problems? Let me explain why. There are only abut 17 people in the world who use Macs, so noboday can be arsed to write viruses to exploit them! Why do you think Intel now provide Mac chips and Windows is available for Macs? Magnanimous Steve Jobs? Or do you think they actually want to sell some computers?

Windows PCs are flawed, often heavily flawed. Everyone admits that and acknowledges it which allows for fixes to come out - The MS attitude to bug fixes and security has changed drastically over the last 5 years. Apple and its users still appear to adopt the classic 'fingers in the ears shouting "lalalalalalallaallaalla! Mine's better than yours and prettier! llalalalalalalallalalalalalalalalal"' approach to objectivity, also you once again when it comes to Apple prioducts have the Apple way of doing things or no way of doing things. They don't appear to believe in allowing users the ability to use the machiens the way they may want ot use them.

There is a proper post in progress, this is just somehting to be going one with to wind any of Jobs's lapdogs that may be reading ;).

Haircuts ruin lives.....

So you think you might be 'in need of a change' huh? You're feeling low and you think a new and radical haircut might give you the lift you need? You want to be accepted by your peers and you begin to bow to the pressure.

Just a trim right? It couldn't do any harm, everybody does it. Maybe just a little off the back, the fringe trim was such a rush you need a bigger high!

Before you know it you have a set of clippers in a hair dye stained bathroom, none of your friends talk to you because your brittle hair and flaky scalp repulses them. You find yourself spendig so much money on product that your Sebastian fix is reduced to Tesco Value hair gel.

The first step is admitting you have a problem:

Pop star Britney Spears is back in rehab, days after shaving her head........

Just remember kids, every day in Britain someone suffers as a result of an ill-advised hair choice, don't be one of them.


This photo illustrates Britney's decline into Bouffant madness, taken just 1 month ago.....

Arch-Angel Tony slandered again!

This is just hounding now! Can't you leave our sainted Leader to do his will?! He know better than us what is good and right for our nation!

He told us in 2003 that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction ready to destroy our way of life that could be launcehd within 45 minutes! He told us they were importing Uranium for evil deeds. And what do you do? You bother him with 'facts' and the 'burden of proof'. You people mak me sick!

And now once again, our saviour and his Truthsayer - Archangel Alistair Darling - are attacked for making sure our great nation is ready for the future. We weren't consulted or given options? Other energy sources weren't explored? We were given 3 clearly defined options:

1) Nuclear Power
2) Atomic Energy
3) Fission based energy.

Also, through the use of cartoon science Tony can demonstrate that we will reduce our enrgy consumption by half. How? That healthy nuclear glow we will all be giving off will remove the need for lighting entirely! Oh what? It was good enough for the Readybrek kid but not for you?

Ingrates!

My mind is crumbling

I found myself playing the 'Online Game That Shall Not Be Named' for the first time in about 6 months. This is confusing for several reasons.

Firstly I don't remember reactivating my account. Secondly I appear to have purchased an add-on for it. Thirdly, I am fairly sure I had a good reason to stop playing - I think it had something to do with a life....

I think my brain is rebelling against me and doing things behind my back, which is never a good thing......

Still busy!

But to keep you occupied I was sent this today, made me laugh!

Conspicuous Absence

Don't worry, the malignant Feline Hordes haven't nobbled me, I just been working ridiculously hard for a change!

Nick, however, has fallen to the catty menace and has suspiciously switched from buying 1 righteous and goodly puppy, to deciding on 2 furry bundles of malice.

Poor hapless fool!

More at the weekend probably, I doubt I will have anything better to do with my time for the forseeable weeks!

From Villains to Heroes

After the burning Evil of the previous post, I thought it best to show you a picture of a more Righteous and Goodly creature.



Behold their Majesty.

The face of the Enemy

A rare picture of the true face of the feline menace:

[Edit] The Evil Ones moved swiftly to remove images of themselves in their true form, the picture has been removed from the server it was stored on. No doubt the brave soul who published the picture has been silenced. I will keep looking for other true imagery, but they are wiley devils.

In the mean time you can catch up on your knowledge by watcing these doucmentaries: Evil Cat - A 400 year old Demon cat holds the world in thrall; Cat's Eye - where the cat orchestrates evil while appearing innocent for much of the time;Pet Cemetary - a tale of how a cat extends control from beyond the grave and instructs it's Zombie Slave to bring it back from the dead in order for it to continue it's reign of terror; Strays - A strong documentary about how feral cats feed upon human flesh; [/Edit]

I will endeavour to find more pictures of the evil ones, until that time watch these instructional tapes and prepare yourselves!

Tesco Lottery

I ordered groceries from Tesco last night, for delivery this evening. I deliberately didn't specify preferred replacements on items because I am interested to see what they give me. Avocados are a good bet as a replacement for any item from Toilet Duck to Stella. I'll let you know the outcome, exciting stuff eh?

Meanwhile, leave your bizarre grocery order stories here. Or not.

The Beautiful Band or - Confessions of a Metal-Head

OK so I like quite a lot of heavy metal and rock music. I was a massive Metallica fan right up to Load and they let Lars Ulric believe his opinion matters. I could even forgive them Load and Reload, but basically they've turned into cash whores. yes, I still own everything hey have produced but that's what happens when you find a band you love at 13 and they are still around when you are nearly 30. Pop people - this concept is confusing I know, just move along and look at the pretty colours.

I also like an awful lot of Indy music, I have quite a lot of different styles of music in my collection as it happens. Since about 5 or 6 years ago I have become much less elitist which means that my musical tastes haven't been restricted to the whole Metal thing. The mood doesn't always suit. I've always liked classical, even though I know little about it. Similarly with opera. Point is, I have a range of music in my collection that pretty much covers everything. Even jazz and pop - but they are token gestures.

Point I am trying to get across, is that I am no longer just a metal junky, I like what I like. And anyone who doesn't like at least one song from the Beautiful South is clearly unhinged. They split this week with typical brevity citing 'Musical Similarities' as the reason. I think they should win an award for being everyone's 3rd favourite band that they don't talk about.

The Feline plots continue....

I received this email today:

On 1/29/07, Cat Bloggers <info@cat-bloggers.com> wrote:
Dear blog author:
We recently came across your site, rantamatt.blogspot.com, while searching for bloggers who blog about Cat issues.
A small group of us have started a new site called Cat Bloggers. Our intent is to bring Cat bloggers closer together, and make a positive contribution to the Internet community.
Would you be interested in joining Cat Bloggers? Please take a few minutes to have a look at what we are trying to do, and if you are interested, there is a sign up page to get the ball rolling. We would greatly appreciate your support in this endeavour.
If you do not feel that your blog would be a good fit for Cat Bloggers, but enjoy this subject area, come visit us and one of our member bloggers. You can also check our FAQ Section to learn more about Cat Bloggers.
We look forward to hearing from you and seeing you on Cat Bloggers.

Craig Cantin,

Cat Bloggers info@cat-bloggers.com

Please note: you will receive this email no more than twice. If you do not respond to this email, we will send out a second and final email in approximately 3 weeks time. If you respond, by joining or by declining the invitation, we will not intentionally send this invite a second time.
You can join or visit Cat Bloggers at any time, but we do not believe in spam, and will not intentionally send this invite more than twice. If you have any concerns regarding our anti-spam policy, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Obviously I was moved to reply...

from: Matt Jones

to: info@cat-bloggers.com
date: Jan 29, 2007 7:31 PM
subject Re: Invitation to Join Cat Bloggers
mailed-by gmail.com

Dear Craig,

Thankyou for your email, sadly had you taken the time to read what it was I wrote about cats you wouldn't have contacted me about joining your coven for I fear that you are referring to the malignant so-called 'domestic' cat that plagues our fair planet. Unlike the more goodly 'Great' cats that aid humanity and the earth by hunting and killing the deadly Gazelles and Wildebeast that roam our wild places, the felines you support have other plans.

Indeed, I have revealed on my blog on several occasions how cat 'owners' (oh how these pitiful slaves delude themselves!) are really mindless Zombie Slaves to their cunning feline overmasters. No one can really fathom the goals of these pestilent creatures' Machiavellian schemes, suffice to say it is clear to those untainted that they are schemes of no benefit to mankind.

So tell your furry ball of mistrust that I shall not be joining you at www.cat-evil.com or whatever your site is called, for my mind must remain free from the catty plague they spread, the mind-smog they imbue to their hapless drones! But I shall be watching, this is one human that will not be enslaved to work the catnip mines of the feline oppressor!

Sincerely

Matt

jet-lag does wonderful things to the mind.

Oooo Lookie! 300 posts!

OK, I'm in Pittsburgh! Huzzah! I lost my mobile in Cincinatti, booooo!

Find out about all the exciting thrills and spills here!

More Kudos to the French

Continuing in my campaign to balance out bad publicity for the French:

Vote for me!

I was enticed to join this website after a brief email conversation with one of the organisers. He talked about honey badgers and monkeys so don't even pretend you could have resisted!

Anyway, I have the chance to win a posh new laptop if you vote for me and get all your friends to too! And if you register, you get a chance to win one just for entering.




I know, it's clearly someviral marketing but do you really care? At least this is fun instead of some crappy surreal add that you have no idea what it means! Come one, it's shiny and it has buttons. I clearly need it.

Man's journey into space....

If you listen to so-called 'Scientists', 'Experts' and 'Facts' then sadly they would have you believe there is no chance of Man colonising space. Like Scientology, however, I am not constrained by your petty conventional logic. I am blessed with vision and an intuitive understanding of this matter.

It's clear to me that we will populate other worlds, initially with waste and debris but eventually as a race of people. We'll probably keep Earth as like a holiday home. Or possibly an industrial museum - it kind of depends which way things go over the next 50 years. Actually, it'll probably be more like a realistic industrial musuem - complete with accident claims. I imagine you'll have to put a deposit down for the HazMat suit that you know some sweaty bald guy has been wearing. Mind the puddle of acid on your way in. Voluntary donations welcome.

Our target planet will be like Majorca in the 50s. A nice sleepy place, full of natural beauty and glorious views. 10 years in it will be full of lardy, lazy morons getting annoyed because one of the local restaurants has the gall to sell something other than chicken in a basket.

We'll proceed to weed out all the crap wildlife - you'll be able to tell which these are as they are the ones we'll make extinct. Stands to reason - if they were any good we'd keep them right?

Now because we'll be populating these colonies primarily with lardy, shagging, gap-toothed idiots (most of the human race at that point), we'll need some kind of creature to do our bidding and do things like build infrastructure. Creatures that know no fear, creatures that are resourceful. Creatures that, when pressed, will go straight for the balls. In short, we'll need honey badgers.

Not just honey badgers of course, but a whole breed of giant Techno Honey Badgers. And possibly Robo-Monkeys, for getting things up in the purple tops of the alien trees. Luckily our own world would have helped mutate the creatures due to the masses of toxic waste left behind, we can add the robo bits later. Ultimately of course our thralls will turn on their erstwhile overmasters and send us to work down the honey and banana mines of neighbouring planets. Those of us that foretold these events and began paving the way for the glorious new age will be rewarded of course, its till not too late people! All prophets have 3 initials, just look at Scientology!

Matt.G.Jones.

Holog

That's my new word for Holiday Log. It'll catch on just like the word Blog you wait and see!

Though the word Web hasn't been catered for, perhaps I should reconsider, I don't want to be regarded as a fool after all. WHolog. With a silent W. Or maybe a silent H.

Blhog. Now that's just silly. I mean if we put it in the order of words it would be 'Weblholidayog' and that just looks like it belongs in Jabberwocky.

Well, I'll think on it. Point is that, for reasons best known to myself, I have created another blog for my holiday stuff. The plan is to use it every time I go somewhere interesting on holiday, rather than force it on my regular reader here.

I'll probably lose interest at some point, but you can turn it into a fun game and run a book on 'What day will Matt stop blogging?'

I have it! It's snappy, and will catch on in no time! - 'A diary/photojournal of one's travels in foreign climes - updated as frequently as desire and available time allow - held in an easily accessible web-based online format for all (with internet access) to see'

The Wonderful thing about Tiggers

Is Tiggers are wonderful things

Tuneful suggestions

I am on a bit of a mad purchasing spree at the moment, downloading tunes from AllofMP3. This is the site that the RIAA and BPI say is illegal but everyone without a vested interest says is fine. You pay for the music, you just pay Russian prices. The ironic thing is that the RIAA and BPI say the artists don't get paid, and this is absolutely true. What they fail to mention is that allofmp3 have a big pile of royalties waiting for the artists to collect, it's just that the RIAA and BPI won't let them collect it. The real argument is that the RIAA and BPI don't get paid.

The RIAA have lodged something like a 1.75 trillion dollar claim against allofmp3, 150K for each track - whether or not that music is for one of the labels they represent. The fact that it was lodged in the US and allofmp3 are in Russia appears lost on them.

Anyway, if you have any music that you think RAAAAAAWWWKS!, or is good in some other way, let me know! The great thing about the allofmp3 is that they let you listen to a sample before purchase, so even if you're wrong it costs me nothing! hehe.

All things are considered, classical to punk, electropop to thrash. Nothing modern claiming to be R&B though, because that shit isn't R&B - there may be rhythm but there certainly ain't no blues in 'I really want to sleep with you' or variations on that theme ' 'I really liked sleeping with you', 'I'd like to sleep with you again', 'I'm rich, you should sleep with me' etc etc.

Answers on a postcard. Or, you know, leave a comment.

[Edit] I don't kow whether Amy Winehouse comes down under Jazz, Soul or R&B. It's probably all 3. Having just heard some of her stuff (I live under a rock), and deemed it good I am willing to listen to other suggestions in these categories I may otherwise (and probably still will) have discarded for being 'modern'. Aren't I magnanimous?[/Edit]

Five things - I feel so popular.

I appear to have been tagged, and by none other than one of my old University lecturers Rob Miles. Thats not to say you're old Rob, merely that I knew you 'back in the day' as it were. Anyway, quite what this means, I'm not sure. From what I can tell, I copy what he did then link to 5 other blogs. I don't think I have to send any kind of mail or anything, relying entirely on the presumption that they will read my blog. The problem is I think most of the people I regularly read have far more popular blogsthan me and I have a distinct feeling that they have already done this. Well, tough! So here's five things about me, some of you will know but I am not a very interesting person so you'll have to just live with it!

1) At 17 I started working in a Citroen franchise where I worked for nearly 5 years, when I left to start a new slate I was 'Workshop Controller'. I still have no idea what this entailed.

2) After leaving the garage my education had to go on hold again because I suffered severe migraines and double vision, I went for an MRI with a suspected brain tumor. It wasn't of course, apparently the 5 part time jobs and college course were making me tired and turning my brain to mush. I am now lazy for medical reasons.

3) I own a few cuddly toys, all given me as gifts. My pride and joys are my Penfold beanie and ITV digital Monkeh! The beads are mine, but the T-Short came with him and says GSOH on it, which could mean 'Good Sense of Humour' or 'Gadget Shop Of Hull' who it was made for. I like the first suggestion.


Don't even try and lie, you know you're jealous.

4) When I was 11 I got hit by a car and broke my shin bone - the little one at the back of the leg not the big painful one. 'Got hit' isn't wuite right. 'Ran out in front of' is probably a more accurate description of events. There was an articulated lorry behind the car that hit me, so every cloud.

5) I spent a brief period in the ATC (Air Training Corps) when I was in my early teens, had I stayed in I would have done cool stuff like gone gliding and stuff. Sadly I learned (perhaps inaccurately) that I couldn't become a helicopter pilot because I wear glasses, also my mind was somewhat addled by various substances and so the academic criteria also appeared out of my reach. So I left the itchy, RAF blue uniform after about 2 months. I would still like to fly a helicopter, but not the attack chopper of my teenage dreams. I think I would have far more fun flying low over Kent and reading the next day's Daily Mail to see if I could get more letters of complaint than 'illegal immigrant muslim robot devil worshippers runiing Christmas'.


OK so I now I tag some other people, think I'll go for Dave Morris, Martin, Olivia, Jo and Nick (to get the lazy sack blogging again!).

*WARNING!* Geek Rant *WARNING!*

I haven't said this in a while but..... Fucking Windows! Why would you do that? At what point in your development did some evil little masochist, envious of our blemish free skin, pipe up at the dev meeting and say 'Hey! You know what would be really cool?....'

Allow me to elaborate. Nick came over with a PC carcass last night so we could make a PC for April's iTunes needs. The plan:

1) Matt orders an external hard drive (done)
2)Nick comes over with carcass
3)Matt moves all of the data on his 160GB IDE drive onto his primary SATA
4)Move IDE drive into carcass
5)Install Windows and iTunes
6)Deliver FrankenPC to April

Simple right? Well, no apparently.

I moved all my music and media onto my SATA drive, removed the IDE and proceeded to boot up my PC again. Or not. It kind of stopped on a black screen and refused to budge. I tried the Vista install disk and it looked like it was doing the same thing, only this time on a pretty blue screen.

We plugged the EMPTY IDE drive back in and it worked fine. After much prodding and poking we discovered the following (luckily Nick is a Windows expert!): The Master Boot Record, that is to say the thing that starts Windows, was installed on the IDE. The rest of Windows was where it was supposed to be ie: where I told it to be.

This is what happened and to be fair some of the blame has to go to stupid BIOS people who refuse to acknowledge the passing of the floppy disk drive or the prevalence of SATA despite being the BIOS for a SATA motherboard!

Nick thinks that BIOS has a preference for IDE devices, so when I put my Vista disk in it automatically defaults to putting the Boot record on the IDE device (despite it being set to Slave). Then it asks me where I want to install Vista, so the boot record is on one disk and the actual installation on another. Dumb ass thing! Anyway, after much cajoling and a remarkably lucid Windows recovery all is well.

After getting it to boot from the install disk (just needed to give it more time to get it to work) I started going through the recovery procedure which was long and irritating and involved several restarts and swearing. I should point out that this wasn't really Window's fault. The problem is that we didn't read the on screen prompts and advice when attempting the repair. And don't give me that 'typical man, never reads instructions!' garbage either, I read instrcutions I am just conditioned not to read Microsoft instructions. This is because they never make sense and I had no idea that they had decided to make Vista in such a way as to make the error messages and prompts relevent to the things they are complaining about. It's a radical break from tradition.

In fairness, I've had ten years of 'There is an error in memory location 000HHXX1, please wear an old pair of gardening trousers whilst making an omlette' so it's hardly surprising is it?!

Anyway. It works again now and if I had paid attention to Vista, probably would have happened a lot sooner!

XP is kind of installed on April's machine though has decided to revert to Classic for reasons best known to itself. Tonight I shall be installing other things that will doubtless fall over. Friday night is party night.

Fine Dining

I've been told I can't go to Pittsburgh without trying the second most popular thing in the city. It's a culinary masterpiece called a Primanti's sandwich and Julie kindly highlighted it as must to any visitor to the Steel City.

Now I've engaged in some ambitious sandwich projects in my time. Usually when I am thinking 'I'll just have a sandwich to keep me going until dinner', at which point I put the entire contents of the fridge in between 2 slices of bread.

However:




At the top of their sandwich menu are these words:

" All sandwiches are topped with french fries, coleslaw and tomato

Here's a slightly artier National Geogrpahic pic:

So while I am expanding at a slow but inexorable rate at the moment, I have a feeling I am goign to be dieting in February. I had already decided to drink nothing but water all that month but I just know I am going to eat Primati's for every meal while my arterys scream out in protest. It looks like the perfect hangover food to me, they even do chili coleslaw - it would be rude of me not to!

When in the 'Burgh, do as the Yinzers do....*

*The management would like to make several apologies to you, the long suffering reader.

1) We here at RantAMatt would like to apologise for the unwarranted use of dialect and/or slang that the author has no right using. You're not from there, don't use the slang - you just look a dick!

2) The 'banging on about Pittsburgh holiday' issue has been raised at a board level, we are currently trying to contractually oblige the author to a maximum of 1 in 2 posts on the subject in an effort to reign in the relentless barrage

3) Altering a well known phrase or saying in order to appear witty is neither clever nor funny. The Rome reference would have been understood by all. The author will be duly flogged.

Techno-Surgery with Dr Matt!

It's not nearly as exciting as it sounds but I thought a post should have at least a pretense at something interesting, so in this case the interesting bit is the title.

I'm tinkering this evening. I'm archiving, formatting and removing one of my hard drives so I can donate it to the PC Nick has put together for April. Then tomorrow it gets a Windows install and iTunes. Then she will have to learn how to use it herself and I can be done with itunes forever....FREE! FREE I tell you! muahahahahahaha!

Obviously I am not going without, I found an excellent deal on an external drive that helps me kill two birds with one stone. I now have somewhere to store all of my media, so I don't have it spread out over several partitions due to various Windows installs and the subsequent backing up of data. Also I can use it when I go on holiday (not long before you stop hearing about it honest! Only a month or two...) for photos and loading my Zune - score for me!

I am also intending working out how to get the camera to do clever things and produce good pictures, I predict that this endeavour will result in various blurred captures that could really be anything from a hippopotamus to a plate of spaghetti.

So be prepared that I may be claiming to be from the impressionist school of holiday snappers upon my return!

10 days..

Before the USA is afflicted with me! Don't worry though, I will continue to irritate my two European readers as I am pretty confident I will be blogging and posting photos from the Steel City. I am hoping to work out how to take good photographs before I go, failing that you'll have to put up with the same old crap that you've come to expect from my blog.

On the other hand, a burst of quality might frighten you away - people do fear change after all.

There is no point to this, I just felt I should write something.

No to 2007!

And this over is why I like the French (unless they work for RTE).

Basic Technological needs

I rearranged my room the other day, moved the XBox in so that the front room was given back over to TV kinda stuff (before the flatmate lost the will to live).

I looked at the setup afterwards and it occurred to me that I could possibly be accused of going a tad far in the pursuit of stuff.




OK, so maybe there is something wrong with me - ostensibly this is just for my room in the flat. On the other hand, chances are I won't be living here and with the same flatmate indefinitely so it could be argued that I am future proofing myself!

Another bonus is that everything wires through that TV so hopefully pretty soon everything will be hooked up, including the cable TV. I only watch the rugby and comedies really but all the same....


OK, you're right. There's something wrong with me. After teh Zune I am taking a techno-sabbatical before the bank account notices I have used most of my savings!

29

Just been over to Stu's blog, it was his 28th birthday yesterday and it got me thinking.

When you are little you are always your age plus a fraction when asked how old you are. "I'm 6 and three quarters!" you proclaim proudly as you continue crash testing your Action Man jeep out of your bedroom window (in the interests of science you understand). When you hit your late teens, you're always nearly something. "Nearly 19", in the vain hope that the woman you are attempting to chat up realises that you are many months beyond being legally adult and therefore should see you as the man you are, as opposed to the boyish idiot laced with Lynx (you know, the smell of adolescent desperation) she may otherwise perceive you to be.

Now I'm 29, I've noticed another change. You don't mind being in your 'late twenties' anymore, because you know that you're really 'nearly 30'. Also you are your age right up until the minute your birthday hits. You're never a fraction and you are certainly not 'nearly' anything!

Well bollox! I am nearly 30 and I am 29 and 7/12! It bothers me not a jot, and I am fairly sure that it should, other people appear to approach some weird crisis point at 30. They start looking at their lives and what they've accomplished and stuff, whereas I can't be arsed. I mean, I've done OK so that's good enough.

I am a little worried about my expanding podge but I think I'll get my usual burst of energy when spring kicks in and I will start biking everywhere again, maybe get myself back to the gym. On the other hand, a man of my advancing years may want to avoid the gym - don't want to do myself an injury.

Also, as the Troll of my 30th Birthday lurks beneath the placid looking bridge of May, there is a slight concern that it will leap out and consume my ability to pick out clothes that belong in this decade. It could instill in me a desire to buy cardigans and slippers and a belief that anything at all written in the Daily Mail is accurate.

On the other hand I was around to see the Thundercats when it was first aired on TV. Every cloud.

[Edit] Look! You even trick yourself when trying to observe the phenomenon - my birthday is at the beginning of May so technically I am closer to 29 and 2/3. I think it must be genetic, some quirk of the evolution of vanity.[/Edit]

Festively Plump

I am returned my people!

Eventually. Took me about 6 hours but I got here (considering it was about half that on the way there!). I am not going to complain about the trains again, suffice to say dutch veal calves' travelling conditions are sumptuous in comparison to what I had to deal with yesterday!

A few pics of the brother's pub to follow. Fairly uneventful Christmas, lots of booze and food and some 360 sessions around Pete's house. The journey back was a complete nightmare as I've already mentioned, on the other hand there were silver linings.

Firstly my passport was waiting for me when I got back. Score. Secondly, I got some Christmas cards - one from Emi who ahven't heard from in a good while (with pic on Penguin on the front!) and one from fellow blogger Julie, who draws an exceptionally good reindeer that looks not at all like a donkey .

It arrived before Christmas and while this is great it makes me wonder what the hell happened to the Birthday card I sent to Maria last January. I have visions of the card being taken away and examined in connection with some imagined national security issue. Not entirely unreasonable, as it did get posted in a red envelope. Clearly both China and Russia are intrinsically evil as well as being durrty Commies (Rummies first foray into engendering fear and paranoia on a mass scale). In addition to that, addressing it to a South American no doubt led the authorities to believe that, far from being a greeting card, it was infact 17 kilos of prime cocaine cunningly routed through a Surrey post office to throw the authorities off the scent.

On the other hand it could have just got lost.

Final pre-Christmas Blog (probably)

OK not got long here, I am off home to Wales today for the festive season, huzzah! Well.... until next Thursday anyhow!

I hope you all have a good time and Santa is nice to you, I will leave you with this MSN conversation I just had with my dad:

....Matt:No, not out tomorrow

Dad: Not gone tea total have you?!

Matt: don't be daft, I'm on call so will be round Mike's eating chili, drinking and watching crap

Dad: Oh, I'll hide the bloody Stella then!

Matt: You can't hide it from its destiny dad

Dad: You're confused - your throat isn't destiny, it's just a destination

Merry Christmas all, back next week!

Christmas Lights

This is what happens when you let a Geek gets an idea in his head.

Passport Shenanigans

I've not been able to look forward to my Pittsburgh Extravaganza (working title) properly because I have been passport-less. I lost mine at some point in my move from Hull I think, so I applied for a new one about 3 weeks ago. They rejected it because I didn't read the rules about counter-signatories correctly. So I got the midget in Raynes Park to sign her dinky little name on the back of my application.

Anyway, I sent that back to them sometime at the beginnign last week. I called them yesterday just to confirm that they had received it and they had matched it up to the doucments that they had retained. They said no, it hadn't got there adn if it wasn't there by Wednesday I would have to pay another 50 quid (on top off the 66 I already sent) to fast track it!

I checked my online banking this morning to discover the cheeky sods had cashed my cheque so puffed myself up with indignant British Rigteousness ready to give those scallywags a bally good talking too! Only to have the nice Irish girl called Audrey tell me that my passport was being printed as we speak and to have a lovely day, and if I had any other problems, with delivery for example, I shouldn't hesitate to call and they'd be glad to have the courier responsible for my inconvenience flogged to within an inch of his life.

I may call up to complain about them taking the wind out of my sails instead...

Rise of the machine

My XBox 360 now has its own blog here. In a couple of days it will start telling you any comobination of the following:

1: How bad I am at the games

2: How good I am at a game

3: How much time I spend playing

4: How little time I send playing.

Thanks to Stu for pointing this feature out!