Monday, January 08, 2007

Man's journey into space....

If you listen to so-called 'Scientists', 'Experts' and 'Facts' then sadly they would have you believe there is no chance of Man colonising space. Like Scientology, however, I am not constrained by your petty conventional logic. I am blessed with vision and an intuitive understanding of this matter.

It's clear to me that we will populate other worlds, initially with waste and debris but eventually as a race of people. We'll probably keep Earth as like a holiday home. Or possibly an industrial museum - it kind of depends which way things go over the next 50 years. Actually, it'll probably be more like a realistic industrial musuem - complete with accident claims. I imagine you'll have to put a deposit down for the HazMat suit that you know some sweaty bald guy has been wearing. Mind the puddle of acid on your way in. Voluntary donations welcome.

Our target planet will be like Majorca in the 50s. A nice sleepy place, full of natural beauty and glorious views. 10 years in it will be full of lardy, lazy morons getting annoyed because one of the local restaurants has the gall to sell something other than chicken in a basket.

We'll proceed to weed out all the crap wildlife - you'll be able to tell which these are as they are the ones we'll make extinct. Stands to reason - if they were any good we'd keep them right?

Now because we'll be populating these colonies primarily with lardy, shagging, gap-toothed idiots (most of the human race at that point), we'll need some kind of creature to do our bidding and do things like build infrastructure. Creatures that know no fear, creatures that are resourceful. Creatures that, when pressed, will go straight for the balls. In short, we'll need honey badgers.

Not just honey badgers of course, but a whole breed of giant Techno Honey Badgers. And possibly Robo-Monkeys, for getting things up in the purple tops of the alien trees. Luckily our own world would have helped mutate the creatures due to the masses of toxic waste left behind, we can add the robo bits later. Ultimately of course our thralls will turn on their erstwhile overmasters and send us to work down the honey and banana mines of neighbouring planets. Those of us that foretold these events and began paving the way for the glorious new age will be rewarded of course, its till not too late people! All prophets have 3 initials, just look at Scientology!

Matt.G.Jones.

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