Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Good Quote

It's not funny but I like it and think it is very accurate.

Science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer, Art is all the rest. Donald E. Knuth

Don't ever buy anything from Watford Electronics.

PC update: Still broken. Don't ever shop at Savastore. This is a subsidiary of Watford Electronics. They sell high quality merchandise at very reasonable prices, which is great if nothing goes wrong. If, however, you have any problems after they have taken your money, you are left with a customer services department that makes the Chocolate Fireguard appear to be the most useful and inspired invention the world has ever seen. I say they are a department. I'm pretty sure it's a 15 year old YTS kid who works between 12 and 2 on alternate Tuesdays. I just realised that I used the words 'Customer Service' in a sentence involving this company. I'm not entirely sure what definitions they are using for that particular combination of words but I'm fairly certain that it's different to the definition the rest of us ascribe to it.

Don't be lured in by their prices and good brands, pay a little extra and deal with a competent company. I know there are only a handful of you that read this and fewer still who buy PC things but if I can save even one of you from the 8th circle of Hell that is the Watford Electronics Customer Torture department then I feel that my work here is done.

I'm off to call Trading Standards now, hopefully they will be able to move things along for me.

Moving on.

When it comes to my social life, I frequently have the organisational skills of a small and startled child who hasn't quite worked out why the cube won't fit into the round hole. This is the only explanation as to why I plan to do everything within the same 2 hour period, often requiring me to be in several counties at any given time. So. Somekind of Telepathic diary for Christmas please people.

Other than the lurgy, this has been my main hindrance to the Gym thing I think. As such I will not be doing Yoga later, but I will be going to the gym. It's no major reason, it's just easier to go straight to the gym from work then head home, the yoga class doesn't start until 7:30 and it takes me about an hour to shower, change and walk home from the gym.

I have no idea why I am telling you this. Basically, I am going to the gym but right now it's too much hassle to hang around an hour and a half after work, do a class then get home after 9:30pm. So will stick with the workout. And maybe Pilates next week as those classes start earlier.

Right I'm off, more later.

Nice geek quote today:

I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone. -
Bjarne Stroustrup

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Back from the Land of The Ice and Snow........

I'm sorry, couldn't resist. The Zepp do rule.

So an eventful weekend away and back down the salt mines now, apologies for the lack of postings but I'm pretty sure my internet at home is now fixed so hopefully such unacceptable delays will no longer occur. We can but hope.

It's been over a week since I've been to the gym because of this trip away and the lurgy I had last week. You may have guessed that I didn't go over the weekend, it turns out that the Rah and Kirsty weren't busy at all on Saturday, so I kind of gave up on that idea. My intentions were once again scuppered on Sunday when it turned out Rah wasn't at rehearsals until 4 pm, so we went to watch the Libertine. Then we got drunk. It was a very good day.

I now have a dilemma. Go to the Gym tonight and skip tomorrow or skip another day and go to Yoga tomorrow. I'm not really confident I will be able to do both, even with the best will in the world as my body will be a bit broken if I go tonight. I've decided to see how I feel at end of the day. Either way, I'll be heading off to the gym at least every other day now I am back down here until Christmas. I'm even considering early morning swims. Though that maybe stretching the bounds of optimism to hallucinogenic proportions.

A note on the Libertine. I don't know anyone who isn't a massive Jonny Depp fan, for very good reason - he is an excellent actor, he even shines in the occasional crap film he has done (9th Gate - an endurance trial not a film!). His best work, however, is always in these smaller productions. Granted, until relatively recently he wasn't ever really involved in massive Blockbusters which, in my opinion, is to his credit.

That's enough about someone we all already know is excellent, also pointless extoling the virtues of John Malkovitch who also shines in everything he is in. These are just my opions as a layman film goer but I have to say the most surprising support performance for me was from Jonny Vegas, a guy I've always been in two minds about as a comedian and as a comedy actor. I think he played his role fantastically. I like being pleasantly surprised this way, it somehow makes all the 'brain out, popcorn in' stuff that gets crapped out of Hollywood worth wading through. I should point out here that as a professional hypocrite I am well within my rights to watch, even sometimes enjoy such films and insult their relative worth in the same breath. I won't bang on at anymore length about the Libertine, just go see it.

I am going to go to Camden on Saturday provided it isn't lashing it down outside. I need a scarf and something for one of the Christmas parties I am going to, though I am not sure what yet. The rather uninspired theme is 'Moulin Rouge' which is fine for the ladies but kind leaves the guys with the Tux option. Well sod that, I am thinking pin stripe trousers, a velvet tailcoat of some variety and a top hat and cane. You know, looking like a weirdo. I was also considering wearing sandles. Either that or going as a pirate. You can't go wrong with pirates.

"If I had a large amount of money I should found a hospital for those whose grip upon the world is so tenuous that they can be severely offended by words and phrases yet remain all unoffended by the injustice, violence and oppression that howls daily" - Stephen Fry

Friday, November 25, 2005

More Train Fun.

I think I am some kind of masochist. Once again I am heading off to Hull straight after work, a lovely 4 and a half hour trek. I'll be faced with the usual dilemma. Do I catch the 7pm train that changes at Doncaster and is reminiscent of a Veal Calf Lorry, thus arriving about 10pm, or do I wait 40 more miutes and travel in relative comfort on the direct line and get there at 10:30pm? I usually wait to be honest but I did a similar thing last week going home to Wales and got chatting to someone in the station bar at Euston and missed the train anyway. Got home at Midnight. So, no Gin today!

The reason I am heading up is that Emi is in a play on Sunday, 'Our Day Out', it's a comedy. She plays a character who flirts with everybody, trust me this will require very little acting effort on her part, she is very adept in this particular department. Luckily someone had the brains to remember to sort me out a ticket to the play, as I'm no longer a member of the Union they need my address. By 'someone' I don't mean me obviously. Kirsty has averted the potential difficulty, so she gets a badge of some description. Maybe. At some point. If I remember.

I'm gutted actually, I only had one days holiday left to take and the Drama Society always run their shows Sunday through to Tuesday. Next week is their production of Dracula which the Rah is in and I really wanted to see both. Ideally I wanted to see the last show of each then I could have attended the after show parties, but unfortunately I've used all my holidays. Damnit! I blame the courts myself, they robbed me of 2 holiday days when they could have just given me my speeding conviction by mail. Gits. Ok, technically it's my fault for speeding in the first place but I try to not let facts and logic get in the way of my opinions wherever possible.

It's going to be an odd visit, Emi will be in rehearsal for most of it. All three of them - Hannah, Kirsty and Emi - have a lot of Uni work to do, so basically it looks like I will be left to my own devices. While this sucks for the most part, it may mean I have an opportunity to finish watching Hannahs season 1 of the West Wing. I'll also bugger off to the Gym tomorrow, thinking of doing some swimming. Imagine the cheek of it, not dropping everything and potentially failing their degrees in order to accomodate my visit! They clearly 'Don't Know Who I Am!'

In other news, it was the Birthday of Pedro Ramirez (International Latin Lover) yesterday. A national holiday has been declared in the tiny Republic of Testosteronia and there was a ticker tape parade in his home town of Hunkahunkaberrninlurrv. The week long festivities in his adopted North Wales began last evening with his close personal Aides John Shaw and Matt Lewis. They reportedly enjoyed an evening of fine local beverages and political discourse, ending with the great man himself entering a deep contemplative state on the throne of his Patriarch. There was a pre-celebration last Saturday as a warm up to the event proper, and it's been reported that Pedro was glad of the extra training.

All of us here at Rant-a-Matt would like to extend our best wishes on this great day. And ladies? Form an orderly queue, there's plenty of Pedro love to go around.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Christmas Parties and Abject Incompetence

We have our Graduate employees Christmas Party arranged, it's on the 10th of December. Moulin Rouge is the theme apparently. The Project Christmas Bash is planned for the 20th of December, local Italian place looks lovely. Should be a really good night, free beer and food all night! Huzzah!

So why the Title? Our company has several divisions. I won't tell you which particular world of rock 'n' roll IT that I work in, I kind of need you to stay with me until the end here. Take some Pro-Plus, it'll help. OK, so when I was being recruited I asked 'What are the christmas parties like?' and I was told they were suitably awesome. So I've been waiting eagerly for our divisional date to come through. I've been watching the other divisions being announced, and they look pretty damned sweet.

So what about us? Well the major offices of our division in the rest of the country are having theirs around the same time, the 13th I believe. About the same time as everyone else in the World. 'So When is yours Matt?'. That's a good question, I'm glad I asked it.

Many companies have their Christmas dinners after Christmas, in January. Sometimes this is for a practical reason, more often it is short sighted Fiscal policy designed to pad out profits by not burdening the accounts with the cost of a big expensive party. That's what a cynic would say. Luckily for us, our Divisional decision makers wouldn't dream of holding a Christmas Party in January! I mean, that's just cheap. It's not Christmas in January is it? So why have the Christmas party then? Exactly Matt. They are to be praised for not holding the Christmas Party at such a lame time.


Just let that sink in and get back to me OK?

Management is natures way of removing Morons from the Productive process


Damnit. For the second week running I am being foiled by the Lurgy. I've decided to not Gym it this week (at least until tomorrow or Saturday at the Hull branch) until this cold buggers off. I think my restarting on Monday was a little optimistic, it's one of those cases where unless you leave it, it'll never go away. Patience, however, is not my Forte!

We shall see, maybe I'll get a chance to go on Saturday and thus double my current weekly Gym going. Before any of you pounce, this isn't my usual nonsense, I really am keen on this gym malarky, I just don't want to get to a point where it's doing me no good. I'm not particulalrly ill but I'm at that stage where you can remain this ill for ages, if you know what I mean? You know. Fine but with an intensely annoying minor lurgy!

I enjoy convalescence. It is the part that makes the illness worth while.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

An inappropriately named Sandwich

Ok so I went to town for my lunch today, I met up with someone I was at Uni with a few years ago who has just started the company. I get to invite three people to a one week trial membership at the gym and she is looking for somewhere to join. I already signed up RoboMatt and Nim so had one slot left, anyway so I was taking her down there for a look-see. Just thought I would explain why I was braving the harsh winter weather instead of staying at the coziness of my desk.

After the man showed her around the uber plushness of the gym I went off to this sandwich shop called Chimes. Now Chimes make lovely sandwiches.


90% of their staff consist of hot foreign young ladies. I'm not sure where they do their recruiting but am fairly certain it's not in Leatherhead. The problem with his situation is that you have to wait quite a long time for your sandwich. I'm not sure whether this is a hottness:incompetence ratio or a youngness:incompetence ratio.

In hindsight it's probably an 'I work in a sandwich shop with a boss who is clearly an exploitative perv':can't be arsed ratio. I'm digressing again, to the point of the post. What I love about this shop is that they use fresh baked bread and cut off slabs off the stuff. No slicing machine, just a huge knife. I don't know, it just makes the sandwich taste so much nicer when the bread has been hacked off in uneven slices. One of my favourites involves grilled chicken, bacon, chilli mayonaise, cheese, sun dried tomatoes and salad. The problem is requesting this delicacy.

It's called the David Beckham special. I've tried pointing, indictating and mumbling 'Beckham on white' under my breath, it's still totally lame no matter how you do it! I think the thing that I object to the most is the name, it's so inaccurate. I mean the sandwich is full of fresh, interesting ingredients and flavour combinations. It has a lot to recommend it and most importantly it is full to the brim with content.

All I'm saying is that if I were naming a sandwich the Beckham, it wouldn't have anything in it. In fact I would probably try and put some kind of vaccuum in there.

This is another one of those wheret I am not sure if I came up with myself or if my mind picked it up off someone else while the rest of me was distracted by something with flashing lights and buttons:

People who say 'No Offence' always find it easier to say 'No Offence' than simply not to cause offence'

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


I have no idea what this is. Apparently it's a stretchy thing like Yoga and there is a class on Thursday, so maybe I will go to that as I have to miss the Yoga thing. I am quite keen on it, apparently it develops Lean Muscles. This sounds very good to me.

Or maybe I just like the word because it is only one letter away from Pirates.

Oooh! Pretty..

I found this picture of my home town in front of one of the surrounding mountains on t'internet, thought I would share. The Town is called Ruthin (I know in England it would be called a village, but this is Wales so there!). The mountain is part of a the Clwydian range and is called Moel Famau. The little nipple on the top is part of some [Edit] Georgian (I'm an idiot, got my ruins confused and said they were Roman!) [/Edit] ruins.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Suspicious bodily activity

I think my body is taking the stealth approach to foiling my exercise plans after having its all out assault defeated last week. Allow me to explain my theory. I did pretty much the same routine as last week only I used the cross trainer (see? i can take advice) and rowing machine for my cardio with a bit of biking on top. I did the weights machines and stuff and the sit ups on the squishy ball. Then I went about my business with stretches, in order to reduce the agony I will be in tomorrow. Now this is where my body started being sneaky, I was doing one of the stretches and I felt something pop around the side of my back. Now it doesn't hurt, but I have a feeling this is something that's going to tomorrow. Devious git that it is.

The social life has prevented me from joining Yoga on Wednesday, which is disappointing but I have made a promise that I don't really want to get out of. Some friends from University have a gig near Dorking and I promised to go, I was only reminded today.

I should apologise for banging on about the gym for those of you that really don't care, I plan on mentioning it a lot but banging on about it less, if you know what I mean? Basically, it's a defence mechanism. If I stop mentioning it for any period of time, you know I have let it slip and can start shouting at me. That's the theory.

OK Something non-gym related. I got an email today from our IT support people. I should explain. Some of the IT support for the IT in the IT company I work for is outsourced to another IT company. Good eh? So I have had one or two issues, I'm not entirely sure which bits were outsourced and which bits weren't, either way we've had less than successful dealings with these people. So I get this email which says something like 'You've recently had a call resolved with us, please take our satisfaction suvey'. Cheeky bastards.

Basically what they are saying is 'We send you this email when we do something right, that way we can look really good in front of our bosses'. I used to hate surveys of this nature. That's before I met my current quality manager, he has an excellent method of filling out these meaningless pieces of crap. He waits. Then he waits some more. Then one day he will get really annoyed with something, someone will have got on his nerves or someone will have cocked something up. Something will rile him. That's when it is time to fill out satisfaction surveys, it protects the innocent from the resulting venting of vitriol and you've made a valued contribution (sic).

Everyone needs a role model.

Not letting 'The Man' get me down

Trevor the PC is poorly. This sucks, I went away for the weekend and came back and one of his Hard Drives appears to have shuffled off it's Mortal Coil. Not good for something that is less than a month old and has only been in use about 2 days. Having said that, provided the issue is only with the drive I am not too bothered. Particularly as yesterday was a bad day and this was just the foetid cherry atop the poo-cake.

The 4 hour journey from Wales took about 7 hours, for various reasons that I won't go into at this point, basically every train in the world was delayed or cancelled yesterday. I will probably write something about trains later, provided the venom holds out. Nobody died though, which was an achievement considering my Urge to Kill was quite high by the time I got to the flat. So, yeah, it all went a bit tricky yesterday but for the first time in ages I was able to just shout and swear a bit, then shrug it off and go about my business. I fiddled with the PC a bit then (whilst munching through a very unhealthy* chicken Kebab) said 'Sod it. I'll look at it tomorrow'. I plugged the old PC back in, put the TV whatsit inside and proceeded to relax.

I thinks it's probably because the night before was so good. Me, Jon and Pedr went out and had a great laugh, my brother was able to join us which was actually really good. Normally I am pretty harsh with the older brother, Martin. He gets on my nerves very easily through no fault of his own (well not that he can help anyway!), and I proceed to rip on him. Saturday though, we had a really good time and I was really glad he was able to make it out, we had a scream. Maybe I am mellowing in my old age. More likely it's because I was mindlessly drunk.

Ok, back to Hard drives. Talking about it at work reminded me of this story I read a few years ago. For those lazy arses amongst you it's about the use of the terms 'Master' and 'Slave' in computer hard drives. Non-techies, don't switch off! All you need to know is that if you have more than one Hard disk in your PC, one is the Master all others are Slaves. You don't need to know why, but trust me when I say these terms have always been used because they are very apt and descriptive of what goes on. Anyway, these sycophantic, headline grabbing media whores in LA decided it was offensive and 'requested' that suppliers use different words to describe the technology. Now I could understand it if it was a term used in a company to describe employees, or if they made special white Master drives that oppressed the other drives, but they don't. It's to do with which plug you put a jumper cable into that determines the behaviour of the drives. It's a term that is entirely descriptive of the way the technology works, it's not an attack on the emancipation proclomation (I can already read your comment Mike!).

It would appear that there were no suggestions as to what other terms could be used to replace the oppressive Master and Slave descriptions, so I came up with a few that could possibly put into use, I've arranged them into my top 5:

5) America and Britain Drives.
4) Bush and Blair Drives.
3) Dominatrix and Gimp Drives.
2) Batfink and Karate Drives.

And top of the pile?

1) Daddy and Bitch drive.

That would be great! 'I got no room on the Daddy for this game', 'That's Ok, use the Bitch'. Personally, I think some manufacturer should have done that. They should have used genuinely offensive and/or ridiculous labelling to highlight what an idiotic request this was.

*The kebab being unhealthy, rather than the chicken itself. though I can't be sure. I am hoping it had it's flu shots before being marinated, grilled, dowsed in chilli sauce and stuffed in a Pitta.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Gvisit and Evil Scripts!

[Pseudo-Geek explanation] Gvisit is the site I use to track you to your homes so that I may better stalk you. It appears to have fallen over for the time being, which has a knock on effect for my blog. It would appear that the script that I run to update the site hangs if the site is unavailable. This then prevents the blog from loading, which means you can't read it. For the time being I've commented the Script out of my blog Template as I have neither the time nor the inclination to see if i can put some kind of time-out in it. I've not really touched 'Pointy Bracket' languages much, may have to do a week to learn a few. [/Pseudo-Geek Explanation]

[Tech-free explanation] The map thingy broke. I've turned it off until it works again. [/Tech-free explanation]

If, after I turn it back on, you can't get here at any point and you desperately want to read my blog updates - you know you've finished sanding your kneecaps or something - email me using the link in my profile and I will leap into action. Well, I'll probably sigh and tut a bit first. There may be eye-rolling and heavy handed keyboard use. Possibly a 'put upon' look on my face.

Leaping is unlikely if I'm fair.

Rather than a quote I am now going to give you an anecdote, this will demonstrate why I am genereally left to shop on my own.

Some months ago 2 of my housemates in Hull and I were looking to buy the 4th member of the house some Kick Boxing Mitts for her birthday. Laura had a penchant for beating her boyfriend up and we felt sorry for the poor sod. So we look around all the 'Sports Shops', only to find that they only supply Chav Wear and not actual sports equipment. We were forced to go into the Store which belongs to the owner of a certain Pie-Eating rugby team. Needs must. Anyway, we looked around the store and we eventually find some of these mitts.

They were right in the middle of the Golfing equipment section. I announced, perhaps slightly too loudly, 'You see! They are basically telling you that you should be beating up golfers! Get it off the telly and buy a proper bloody jumper!'.

We made our purchase and left. Quickly.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre."

********************GEEK PARAGRAPH!**********************

This aptly describes my recent PC building exercise, only replacing car components with 'Short circuits and burnt out motherboard'. Still, it works now so I am quite happy! And Half-life 2 is awesome beyond belief when played with decent graphics cards :-p

Now be thankful I only provided you with a link to the official site. I haven't posted screenshots, talked about the revolutionary physics engine, the innovative computerised muscle structures, lip-synching, virtual actors...............oh.....wait.....I'm doing it now aren't I? Sorry. I loved the original game when it came out around 8 years agao, it won 'Best game ever' from some very prestigious publications and 'Game of the Year from' all the others. This one did the same. I've waited about a year to buy it because I wanted to run it on a decent machine. They are very clever people at Valve. They employed professional actors and script writers long before other software companies realised that pretty graphics and zombies were not all that was needed to make a brilliant game.

********************/GEEK PARAGRAPH!**********************

[GeekEdit] Forgot to mention that I was badgered in work to name the new machine like women name their cars. His name is Trevor [/GeekEdit]

So I am off up to Wales this evening and, now I feel a lot better, I am not dreading the train journey quite as much as I was yesterday. I am due out with Pedr and I think Jonny Shaw tomorrow (not sure about the Shaw yet) which should be good fun. In the mean time I will be staying with Mike this evening. He is under strict instrcutions not to drink before I arrive at 10-ish. Last time I came to visit he had started a little before I arrived and....... Well lets just say it's lucky the back door was open.

What Pete doesn't know yet (though he will after reading this) is that we are going round to the parentals tomorrow evening for a little celebration. Now I have my degree result, average as it is, we are now free to open a bottle of Whiskey. The Whiskey in question was 12 years old when I bought it. A Bottle of Jamesons Irish Whiskey, Special Reserve. Only available from the distillery in Dublin. I bought it about 1 week before going to Uni and had a lable printed for it with my parents names on. The instruction was to open it on Graduation but that's not until January and is just a formality now. It's now 16 years old, and ready for a good hammering I think. Irish is so much nicer than Scotch. Don't even get me started on Bourbon. Blech!.

Oh. You may notice to me referring to Pedr, Peter, Pete, Pedro and Pedro Ramirez: International Latin Lover in my blog. These are all one and the same person, he's just too good for just one name lol! Sorry for any confusion.

So the weekend looks good right now, though I've left my expensive hair-clay stuff at the flat again. Damnit!.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


Well. So far.

I should highlight before I go on that this will be a predominantly Geek oriented post. Even though I plan to keep the detail to a minimum, I feel it my duty to highlight this fact for you, so feel free to wait for somehting more entertaining.

Ok, so the new Motherboard is here and plugged in to the PC, it works. Huzzah! Got pretty pictures and everything. Go Me! (Or rather Go Nick who did most of the work). I just need to go home and install all the drivers and stuff now and all should be peachy. You have no idea how pleased I was when the monitor in work flickered to life once the machine was powered on. There was one awful moment when I thought it still didn't work. My PC was very nearly a piece of conceptual art.

So. Provided nothing goes horribly wrong between here and the flat, I could be merrily playing games in very high definition, photo-realistic (yeah right!) graphics in a few hours. Also I may have some snazzy software that I can schedule TV recording with. It's all very exciting.

Despite the PC success, I was still going to resume Gymness this evening but the Doc told me not to be such an idiot when I suggested it to her yesterday. Ok she didn't say that, but she had one of 'those' looks. Withering I think is the correct description. Apparently my body is too busy with other things for me to inflict any degree of strenuous exercise on it. So that's me until Monday by the look of it, I travel up to Wales tomorrow night and am not back until Sunday sometime. Not the best of starts, 1 session in a week! Still, I'll try again next week. Perserverence and all that (excellent song by Terrorvision that one).


Forgot to finish this yesterday (16th) so have pre-dated it and ended it prematurely:

a)Because it's boring and
b)I may as well continue in the next post :-p

Still sick. Bah!

This is like the fifth day I've had off work sick in as many months. This sucks quite a lot, I need to get well enough to go back to work tomorrow otherwise I am going to go insane. You see, I hate being ill.

Now it's not because of the discomfort, it's not because of the various bizarre things that start being produced by your nose and mouth. It's not even the revelation that bones can actually ache that's the most despicable thing about being sick.

No. The worst thing about being ill? The fact that, suddenly, daytime television becomes watchable. I barely watch TV and yesterday I sat in front of nothing but low quality American sitcoms all day, this becomes even worse when your brain shuts down so much that you actually find the occasional joke funny. I watched Moonlighting. Remember Moonlighting? It had Cybil Shepherd and Bruce Willis in it and it was awful. It was crap when I was little and it's even worse now but I sat through a whole episode of it.

So I went to the Doctor and now have stronger drugs. I've got a good mind to take up some kind of high impact body exercise in order to teach me a lesson. That'll stop me from attacking me with rebellious Viruses in the future. Ha!

Why isn't the plural of Virus, Virii?

As I was writing this my new Motherboard arrived. I am taking this as a good Omen that means tomorrow I will be fighting fit. I have to go, Hope and Faith is on in 5 minutes. God Help Me.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Southern Plague

I'm always bloody ill since I moved down here! I was fine yesterday morning. I was feeling a little rough by the time I got to the Gym. By the time I got back to the flat................ well I'm not eating. There's nothing worse than people describing their illnesses in detail, so I'll leave it there.

Anyway, it was a long night. So I had plenty of time to come up with a workable theory as to why I have become a plague ridden walking corpse. Firstly, my peasant genes aren't used to these dodgy southern germs.

Secondly, it's open revolt.

That's right, my body doesn't like being exercised at and has chosen to attack itself in order to prevent this from continuing. Well I'm not going to stand for it, it's got to learn to do as it's told so I am currently assaulting it with a heady mixture of a variety of cold remedies. I also have several varieties of soup and a raft of comfort food. That's right body, I got the whole arsenal so give it up!

The main problem I have is that I did actually attend the gym last night and did the little circuit they gave me to do. Which, and I quote, 'Works all the major Muscle Groups'. Now I had no idea that there was a language that sounds just like English only all the words mean something completely different. In this example 'Works all the major Muscle Groups', in this new language, actually means 'Tomorrow you'll feel like each bone in your boday has been broken with a toffee hammer at 1 inch intervals'.

There is a saying : 'No pain no gain!'. Personally I prefer 'no pain, no pain'. That's one of mine, just sewing the seeds here. Maybe one or two will take root.

Good news on the PC front, I have new Motherboard winging its way to me as we speak so hopefully soon I will have a shiny new PC and all will be peachy. It will be shiny. It will be quiet. It will be plush and allow me to play games with pretty explosions and such like. I hope.

I'm going to go find more drugs now.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Attendance required

Paying extortionate fees and putting on sportswear isn't enough I'm told. Bugger. Apparently I have to do regular exercise while at the gym too. This smacks suspiciously of work to me but I guess I'll give it a go. I am heading down there after work for an hour or so, I have no doubt I will be in immense pain tomorrow.

I had a good weekend with Jon, we basically drank lots and talked about 'stuff'. It was good. We were invited to a party in Guildford on Saturday, which began very promisingly in that it was meant to be complete with about 50 nursing students. Unfortunately the organiser had failed to get the permission of whoever he needed permission off and the party was shut down at about 9:30pm. This sucked, but not to be deterred a bunch of us went off to the local bar and proceeded to drink heavily, then Jon and I went off to stay at my friend Lees house. Was good fun all round.

I was meant to be going home to Wales on the 26th for Pete's birthday but I don't think that will happen now, I'm much more keen on going up this weekend. As far as I'm concerned, as long as I get to see the guy, the date is fairly irrelevent, it's not so much the night out its the 4am 'We've just fixed the whole world, how did no one else think of that?' conversations that is important.

I'm actually talking on MSN with the man himself as I write this, so plans are being made as I type! ooooooh! Interactive!

OK so here's the situation. GB are playing the Tri-Nations in Rugby League, we started off as dire as we would expect but now things are looking pretty hot. Basically the situation is this - last week we spanked New Zealand, this makes the last pre-final test a fantastic one. We play Australia. If we lose or win by less than 3 points its Australia Vs NZ in the final. If we win by 3 - 8 points it's GB Vs Australia and 8 points or more and it's GB Vs NZ. So it's all pretty close. Another good reason to head off this week

Anyway, Pedr also has an excellent suggestion for the creationism post but getting him to post anything is really difficult and thus you are all so often denied his genius.

Awesome quote supplied by Maria:

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


I went to the Gym today and did some exercise. There is no noticeable difference in my physique, this is most disturbing. I am assuming that in order for the rippled God-like figure to fully develop I'll need to sleep and something happens over night.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Creative Genius

Inkeeping with todays theme of creativity I am going to tell you of some unsung Heroes, undiscovered talent that has been overlooked by the wider world. Their ideas have either been shunned or stolen and I bring them to you here. Aren't I good?

Long before the Mars ice Cream was invented my cousin Emma was way ahead of the game. When I was little my mum did her shopping on a Friday night, then in the evening we would be given the Friday treats that she had purchased. This was usually some kind of chocolate, some novelty savoury snack and a drink. All of this and the A-team, what more could you need? Anyway, on one occasion the cousin came over from Trefnant for some reason or other and she was included in our little ritual. I was horrified to discover her slicing up here Mars Bar and depositing it in the coldest part of the fridge instead of shoving it as quickly as possible into her gaping maw like a civilised human being. My perturbation turned to despair an hour or so later when she was sitting there with a plate of Semi-frozen Mars Bar that seemed to last forever. Anyway, all I'm saying is that a few years later Mars Ice Creams were developed, so she was clearly a Visionary.

Just before I continue I need to stop any expectation that a couple of people may have. Emi, Hannah - the Helium filled Bra will not be featuring here. I'm sorry.

Jelly Tots. These aren't given nearly enough press.

I also have a vague recollection of Pints of Coke with ice cream in them and deciding these were the dogs bollox. I find the idea repulsive beyond belief now so it's possible it is some kind of repressed nightmare where I developed a penchant for things that were hideous in every way.

Vimto. I really shouldn't have to say more than that.

I appear to have developed quite a lot of work, so I will have to complete this reminiscence another time. Bugger.

Creationism Part II -

After attacking the Creationist buffoons of Kansas in my previous postings, it's time to even the balance. A fine point was made by Amateur Theologian, Mike, in the comments section of the previous post dealing with this subject. For those of you too bone idle to go check it out (although you should, it's very entertaining) I will summarise here for you.

Given that Creationism suggests that a 'Higher Power' cobbled together a whole world and it's internal Gubbins all in 7 days then Mike suggests that it should be no trouble for this Divine Being to knock a few new animals together for us. We both agree that the standard creatures we've enjoyed over the years have their place but are actually quite dull. It's time for some originality, some new and interesting creatures for our entertainment. If we don't like some of the new creatures this 'Higher Power' produces we can just do what we did with all the other rubbish animals and hunt them to extinction!

So come on Higher Power, pull your finger out and give us some new animals!

Now I am going to reproduce current suggestions for new animals, please feel free to add your own in the comments and I will continually update this post whenever a worthy new animal is put forward.

Animal by Mike, named by Matt

The Squow:

I'm glad to see that Creationist viewpoints are finally being recognised as valid. This obviously means that soon this "higher power" will get bored and make some new animals and stuff; after all, the ones we've already got are pretty tedious (why else would we make them extinct)?

I look forward to the day that I open my bedroom curtains and gaze down upon some brand new creation that this "higher power" has cobbled together overnight. I mean, if as some sources would have us believe, higher powers can make a world in a few days, surely they can build some sort of cow/squirrel cross for our amusement in a single evening?

Talk about resting on your laurels! Get off your idle butt, "higher power" and give us some new species to endanger! NOW!

It should be noted that a modification to the Squow was suggested that would introduce elements of larger cats to improve their Evil Grey Squirrel Squishing capabilities. Thus the new animal would have the 'Speed of the Puma/Poooma'. This new hybrid would be called the MooSquooma.

My own humble suggestion is as folows:

The Chew-ow-aaaaargh!

Personally I am in favour of some kind of Lycanthropic creature. You know? Like a Chihuahua that transforms into some slavering beast whenever it hears the word 'Diddums' or something similar and proceeds to rend and devour it's stupid owner. This has the added bonus of ensuring the extermination of Paris Hilton.

Come on God! you've got two diamond suggestions now! You don't even have to do your own thinking! Bring on the Squows and Chew-ow-aaarghs! and chuck in some flying monkeys while you're at it!

Come on people! Our divine being is clearly out of practice, lets give him as many ideas as we can so that his creative juices get flowing. If we get enough support perhaps we can all soon be enjoying a world where the gentle Squow roams free, skipping from branch to branch and chewing the cud! More importantly Paris Hilton may be a thing of the past!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Post 101

Ok, the initial plan for this momentous milestone was to provide a hilarious and entertaining post free of whining. Then it occurred to me that this would require a full personality and outlook transplant. So we'll stick with the tried and tested formula of vitriol and insults shall we? Good. Before I begin the post properly though, I'm going to impart some advice: I woke up in a stinking mood this morning, I really hate it when that happens. In order to get me to a level where I wasn't taking this unwarranted mood out on innocent bystanders I had to try and ease my mood, and I found the following statements helped me:

There's no point in being angry at someone who isn't there.

Not ideal, but it'll do until Jonny Shaw gets here and we can go have some fun.


Ok. That's the days bitch done with, now it's time for fun and laughter in the world of Matt! Well Ok it's time for me to complain about something, but it passes for the same thing in my mind. In celebration of this landmark post I will be finishing this post in a Room 101 styl-ee. See what I did there? Don't worry though, I won't be listing all my pet hates here, after all if you wanted a whole book on unconscienable complaining you could by a Biography of a Z list celebrity couldn't you? Also I'm not sure I have a 'Top 5' so you'll have to settle for 'The first 5 that pop into my head'.

Sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin:

Slight change of plan. This is the bonus of getting interrupted during writing an entry, you realise what a bad idea something is. So instead of continuing the bad mood theme, I'm going to do a reverse of Room 101 and list 5 cool things that rock beyond belief. These are things that either never fail to put a smile on my face or are just simply things that I can always rely on not to be crap. I'm not listing people for very good reason, so please don't complain about it! This is all 'Stuff':

1) Magical Trevor - You need sound on for this, I challenge you not to love it.

2) Games. This is a geeky one I know but it's great to just switch off sometimes.

3) Gym Stuff. I know I haven't joined yet but I used to love practising Karate and going to the Gym, it occupied an awful lot of time and is a great way of taking your mind off things. I hope to enjoy it as much as I used to, that's why I include it here. I know it's cheating but I don't care!

4) Writing. I really like writing this blog, it's great, especially when I get feedback or told that someone unexpected is reading it. I am very conscious of the fact that some posts, like this one and the last couple, are quite bad tempered but that's kind of the point I think. Besides, you'd have nothing to compare the better posts against without posts like this one, so what kind of yardstick could you use to measure against eh? Exactly. This is just a cunningly woven web of deceipt designed to make you think my other posts are works of comedic genius! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

5) Cooking. I really like to cook. Actually that's a lie, it's more like a form of therapy. The worse my mood the better my cooking I think. I've kind of reduced my repertoire recently to just Chilli and Curry because I only cook for myself at the moment, but I really enjoy the process of preparation and getting timings right, deciding what best to add to make the flavour better etc. It's really good, especially when you do it for someone else. Plus you get to chop things up with knives and get your hands covered in stuff. You also get to shout at people who try to interfere with your masterpiece. And everyone has to be polite and pretend they love it. Basically it's a huge ego massage.

So why the change of heart on the post? Well, basically I've read quite a few blogs. If all the person is doing is complaining all the time, even with the best will in the world, you are going to stop reading aren't you? I mean really, it's like 'Mate! I got my own troubles, go cook something and leave me alone!'. Don't get me wrong, a certain quota of complaining should always be expected in anything I post but I think continuing the theme throughout the whole thread is pushing it, and throughout the whole blog is a road that leads directly to '0 Hitsville'! Finally it makes people who don't know you think that's all there is to you and that just isn't true. While I am not in the brightest of moods today, or indeed for the last week, I'll get over it soon and I don't want the stunning* Good Mood material to go to waste having scared away my handful of readers!

*Matt Inc. would like to take this opportunity to state that the word stunning in this paragraph may not equate to the meaning associated with the English:
tr.v. stunned, stun·ning, stuns
1)To daze or render senseless, by or as if by a blow.
2)To overwhelm or daze with a loud noise.
3)To stupefy, as with the emotional impact of an experience; astound.

Rather the word in this situation derives from a word in the little known dialect of an ancient Peruvian tribe of Dung Beetle worshippers: Stu'Neeng (Pr.:'Shhtoo-neeng')
1)Primary food source of The Great Beetle God 'Pooh-eet'.
2)Description ascribed to anything spoken by the Tribal Idiot and/or Wiseman (often the roles are combined).
3)A Curry that blasphemously contains Sultanas or Raisins.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Creationists, proof that Evolution has a lot of work to do....

"Everyone is entitled to their opinion, even if they are an idiot". Wise words.

I have no objection to grown men and women believing in Creationism. I do object to them inflicting such fairy tales on impressionable young minds as fact.

"I believe God created me in one day!"......"Yup, looks like he rushed it" - Bill Hicks

I think someone should start a petition to get Hansel and Grettel taught in History class. Or maybe 'Ancient Egypt: How the Pyramids were built by UFO's'. That's a good one. Basically what these barely simian, sub-literate, fanatically obsessed, 'It's in this book so it must be true!' retards are saying is this:
"We have no way of proving our version of events, but luckily it is so ludicrous that no one can disprove it either! So what we propose is that we debunk the work of someone far more worthwhile than ourselves in order to make our children stupid, just so that they fit nicely into our ideology"

Maybe Darwins theory isn't complete but at least there is substantial evidence to support it. The barely more than 1% genetic difference between Humans and Apes for instance?

No doubt one argument these people will use is 'Where's the missing link?'. I suggest you look in the mirror.

I don't mean any offence to real Christians, I know I always labour this point but it is an important one. It's the difference between a Muslim and those that blow themselves up, they aren't Muslims no matter how many times they read the Koran. Equally these reactionary fossils have no place in modern society.

What makes this even more infuriating is that the parents don't want their kids taught this garbage, the teachers don't want to spout it and all the respected experts involved speak of its folly in the strongest possible terms. So why are these untrained, unknowledgable chimps (sorry, Creations in The Image Of Our Lord) left in charge of these kids education?

[Edit] Sod it! Just realised that this is my 100th post! Damned Reich Wing Christians (Thanks for that one Jo) ruining my 100th post celebrations! Fear Not, I will treat it like the Millenium, i.e it doesn't start until 101. I'll do a celebration post of the beginning of my second century, how's that?[/Edit]

Weekend Colour

I have a friend called Mike, he's very funny, very clever and generally a good guy. He is one of my oldest and closest friends whom I value above most others. His organisational skills, however, make me look like Sun Tzu in comparison. I was meant to go and see him this weekend but he has double booked with another, clearly lesser, friend. This usurper has booked time off work and everything, it would also appear that Mike made this arrangement months ago but had since slept and forgotten about it. He doesn't even like beer and curry, what are they going to do all weekend?

Every cloud though folks, Jonny Shaw is coming down on a last minute visit. This is a very good thing, he's another old friend who it will be awesome to see. You may remember that I went up to visit him and Pete a few weeks ago and left you all a vague promise of Photos? Well they are still on their way, so don't worry, I just haven't got around to it yet. Anyway he is coming down, ostensibly for me to cheer him up but I can assure you the effect will be mutual.

This also marks the first visit by one of my friends to my Surrey abode so I am really quite pleased, though one visitor in 5 months is hardly a high score! When you move you get an awful lot of people promising to visit (some of whom you actually believe!), some on an almost weekely basis but there is always a reason why they can't make it. Apart from a few exceptions you can put your mind to better use by not listening to these reasons and substitute whatever words are coming out their mouths with 'Can't be arsed'.

It's morning and I am in a particularly concentrated morning mood today, so sorry for the vitriol here.

Got a vaguely promising PC update, they have recieved the 'Faulty' Motherboard, now I only have to hope they don't find out what is wrong with it so they send me a new one and then I will actually have my new PC! Or they will decide there is nothing wrong with it and charge me to have it sent back. Or they will decide it was my fault and refuse to replace it.

Tell you what, I will post again later when I am in a better mood, I can't even raise caustic wit at the moment. More coffee.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

New Blog Toy

Got this new thing. It's meant to plot the location of visitors so I can see where my readers are. All very cool, no idea if I've used it properly though so bear with me while I move the script about until it works! Here it is anyway.

Feeling decidedly Beige

I probably don't need to explain what this means because the word Beige immediately conjures images of banal adequacy to me, so I assume it does for everyone else. It's when nothing major is going wrong but nothing is going right either. Nothing is happening at all in fact. Beige is a crap colour, not because it's gaudy or clashes or anything else, it's because of it's overall quality as a non-colour.
It's the colour you paint your house when you want to sell it so that prospective buyers can easily imagine what colours they would paint the rooms. 'As soon as we get in we can get rid of that hideous beige colour!'. It's the colour of middle aged, middle class womens woolen sweaters, when they've reached that age where they've visited their 'little place' in Portugal so many times , their skin tone now matches most of their dreary wardrobe.

It's a Rover.

Ok, dreary Beige whinge over. Good though wasn't it? I'm quite impressed with the level of bitterness there.

The Doctor was suitably cursory today so getting her to say my shoulder is fine was a doddle! Go Me! This means I can join the Gym once she has signed the form. She was actually very nice and cheery, a quality I am not used to finding in GPs.

I think I'll report her, I'm sure it's against the rules.

They are, however, going to charge me for them to sign the bit of paper which says I am fine. I considered explaining to the receptionist my logical reasoning as to why this signature should not in fact cost me a tenner. Let's say I don't cough up and as a result cannot join said gym. I won't get my required exercise, continue in my Spiral of Beigeness thus becoming more ill more frequently and end up a massive financial burden on the NHS. If, however, they waive this small charge I will actually be saving the honest tax payer thousands of pounds in future medical costs.

I judged that my logic would be lost on the poor, harried girl. There were half a dozen people in the waiting room with a combined age of 863, she had enough troubles without my Ray of Morning Sunshine adding to them.

So now I have to wait a few days for this form to filter through to get signed, which means my gym membership has been put back again. I've booked in for Saturday afternoon, this gives me an opportunity to go to Epsom to buy some kind of jogging trousers or something. None of the sports shops have what I want though - it's all Chav wear or short shorts, trust me this would not be pretty. What I need is a Martial Arts supplier, the training trousers are really comfy and tough and are multi purpose. And they cover my knees, take my word for it that this is always a good thing.

So the PC? The Motherboard was collected yesterday, now I have to wait for them to test it and hopefully send me a replacement. I have my fingers crossed and plan to harrass them all week until I get an answer. The new game I bought in celebration of my new Geeky Graphical capabilities is sitting on the side, taunting me with it's Uberness.

This does appear to be a littany of wrongness doesn't it? hmmmmm. Oh! At least one fo the PC bits does work, I put it in the old machine for the time being so now I have access to TV. This in itself is a problem because I don't really watch TV, but it's handy for the few shows I do like when I remember to watch them. I am a bit crap with things like that, I signed up to Amazon rental then kept hold of one DVD for 3 weeks thus losing the full benefit of one months subscription. I think there is some kind of wiring problem in my brain that makes me forget even the most simple of tasks. On the plus side I have now sent the disk back and am looking forward to my delivery of Kung Fu Hustle, an awesome film. I urge you all to watch it, it's incredibly funny and ludicrous beyond belief.

OK, that's it for now. Thanks to Maria and Laura for shouting at me to update, nice to know there are people who read regularly and actually care if I update or not!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Amazon, Play and Divorcing Parents

OK so I am in a very Bloggy mood today, nobody is forcing you to read this! I know the title is a little confusing, so allow me to explain.

Often if I am bored, annoyed or in some other way experiencing some negative emotion of any kind, I feel the urge to browse through things that I would like to own. Occasionally I will buy something that I shouldn't buy, certainly for the price. Usually though, I buy things that are 'bargains' and can thus, in quite a womanly fashion, count the discount as a 'saving'. With me so far? Good.

Now, the important thing to note here is that my purchases generally increase in direct proportion to the decrease in my mood. This is where the Divorcing parents bit comes in. It's been noted that divorcing parents will often attempt to buy the affections of their offspring with material items, even going so far as to be in direct competition with one another. This is how I feel about Play and Amazon. See, I've been buying my DVDs from Play of late because they are absolute bargains and delivery is included in the cost. I've been bribed across but also they are evilly making me spend my money.

Yes Rich, they are making me do it, Quiet at the back.

Now I went on today just to check an order I have lodged at Play and I notice that the 3rd Lord of The Rings movie, extended verison, was going for around £13. Bargain. So I check the trilogy Box set which I've been waiting to come down in price. £30. Uber Bargain!

I came to, just before I clicked the 'Confirm Order' button and stopped myself. I went across to Amazon, just for a look. They had it for about £3 less, not much I'll grant you but a psycological blow that won them back their errant child. I also bought The Ode Less Travelled by Stephen Fry, discussed in my previous post. Yes, Lord Of The Rings may be very geeky, but it also rocks so bite me.

You see how I am a mere pawn in the bitter rivalry between these two companies?

And that's what I plan to tell the bank manager. What do you think?

Stephen Fry is a Legend

They are coming to get my 'Faulty' motherboard on Monday. Hopefully they will just send me a replacement so I can get on with my quest for techy domination!

I am considering going on one of them Speed Dating things. They are supposed to be really good fun, especially if you take a friend or two. So I am going to inform a colleague or two that they will be joining me. Think I should be able to persuade Lee to come along too, that way we can turn it into a philisophical discussion at a club afterwards. It's not to get a girlfriend you understand, we've discussed that relative disaster area before, it's more to prove a theory.

Okay on to the reason for the post Title. I was watching Jonathon Ross last Friday mainly because I knew that Stephen Fry was one of his guests. Not only one of the cleverest men in the world but a very funny man to boot. The discussion went onto his new book, The Ode Less Travelled. Basically it's a 'How to Write Poetry' book, one which I am considering buying in a vain stab at depth. I'm drifting from my point. Stephen started talking about language and how wonderful it is, moving onto youth basically inventing words. One word his nephew was using was 'Chillax'. A combination of Chill and Relax. Now Ross started spluttering about it being a stupid word and I found myself agreeing with him, but Fry countered brilliantly:

Fry: Why do you object to these words being melded together so?
Ross: Well it's just lazy isn't it Stephen?
Fry: Yet you don't object to my use of the word Meld in my previous sentence:
Ross: errrmmm What? (Ok I'm Paraphrasing)
Fry: Meld started life as nothing more than an amalgamation of the words Melt and Weld, as described int the Oxford English Dictionary. Yet here you are decrying the very same method being used on two other words

Another brilliant nephew anecdote was the said child saying 'you're really book!'. Which is very confusing, but apparently it's to do with text messaging. Some T9 dictionaries pop up with the word 'book' before 'cool'. Obviously the life of a teenager is far too hectic for the word to be changed, so book now means cool. Either that or the nephew in question is as clever as Uncle Fry and it's a brilliantly executed wind up. Either way I like the story.

Basically the conversation was about language snobbery. Something I am extremely guilty of, and I think many of us who claim to know English very well are the same. Stephen Fry (someone with an initimate knowledge of language) sees things differently, we have a constantly evolving language that is infinitely more robust than any other in the world. As he says 'Compare the population of China to the Population of any other country, that is how the number of words in the English language compare to any other'. Our language is a mixture of Germanic slang, Celtic dialect, French, Italian, Greek. Pretty much anything, and it evolves daily. So I'm going to try and stop being such a snob.

Americans should still stop using 'z's where they have no business being though.

And text language is just wrong.

As part of my 'Stephen Fry is Great' campaign, I will be quoting him for a while. For those of you clever enough to know the quote, yes I do know the one about 'Quotation being a serviceable substitute for wit' but I don't care. Here's a choice extract from a fairly famous and quite lengthy rant about Estate Agents:

"Estate agents. You can't live with them, you can't live with them. The first sign of these nasty purulent sores appeared round about 1894. With their jangling keys, nasty suits, revolting beards, moustaches and tinted spectacles, estate agents roam the land causing perturbation and despair. If you try and kill them, you're put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them."

Highly Trained Professional

4 years at University studying Computer Science. Impressive eh?

So the computer still doesn't work. After extensive testing and consultation with the guys in the office I have discovered the primary source of the fault. I'm an idiot. It's a wonder I can walk and breathe at the same time, it really is!

Ok, it's not that bad but I did perform a 'school boy error'. Basically I followed the instructions but the instructions left out a fairly crucial point which resulted in me frying the motherboard. For those of you not of a technical mind, this is not a good thing. Ho-Hum. So now I am going to send it back and hopefully get a replacement with minimum fuss, though I am not holding my breath. Obviously I am going to lie shamelessly in an attempt to achieve this goal. Hopefully nothing else has been knackered as a result, I will find out when the new bit arrives. So let this be a lesson kids, don't play with delicate electronic equipment when you only have a vague idea of what you're doing and a head cold.

Strangely the fact that Red Leader bought a Rover still seems worse to me than my abject incompetence. Clearly I have a highly advanced Ego Defence Mechanism.

I was reminded of a quote yesterday. I definitely said it, I remember the incident distinctly. I don't believe I'm clever enough to have come up with it myself though, so let's just assume I have pinched it or modified it from somewhere. If no one can find it anywhere else then I am clearly a genius.

Never argue with stupid people. They will just drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005


It's been pointed out that I have been mssing my quotes recently. I remembered something that I said to someone years ago. Another American actually, Maria knows her, girl called Lyndsey who was seeing a friend of mine. It was end of term and everyone in the world had gone home except for me. Anyway, she had been to Spain and she came by for a few beers before she headed off back stateside. I completely forget the context and we were both drunk but I remember she had this book that she wrote stuff in about people she'd met over here. Under my name was justa bunch of crap that I had come out with, pride of place was this quote:

There's a fine line between love and nausea

I liked it, and she didn't stop laughing for a while so that's good enough for me.

Bird 'Man' Flu

I had a chicken Vindaloo on Monday. I had a chicken pie yesterday. Today I am in the icy grip of some foul disease. I'm just saying is all.

Maybe I should have asked if the chicken looked a bit under the weather before it was killed. Mind you, I imagine anything heading towards a big steel choppy thing isn't exactly going to be feeling tip-top. Hehe, tip-top is a great phrase.

So my computer doesn't work. You'll notice the lack of blogging on the subject, I decided against it as I quite like people reading my blog and none of you have been complaining of insomnia. Anyway, back to the point. It doesn't work. On the plus side it doesn't appear to be broken either. It makes all the right whirry noises, all the fans that I want to spin are spinning and the little lights go on and most importantly it makes a single happy little 'beep' when it boots up. A single beep is a good thing, more than one is generally not so good. I say that's most important, perhaps equally important is getting a picture on the monitor. This I have spectacularly failed to do. I have no idea why and neither, it appears, has anyone else. The most technical advice I have received is 'pull bits out and put them back in again'.

This appears to be a very basic and unsatisfactory instruction manual for sex more than anything else, but I will give it a go. With computer bits obviously, not my own. That would be wrong on several dozen levels.

Red Leader has bought one of these. Now it's very important that if you comment on it, you refer to it as a Rover 25. The resaons for this are threefold:

1) Red Leader insists that MGs are not Rovers despite them being built in the same plants as Rovers, using the same chassis and shells as Rovers and sold by the same people as Rovers. It's a Rover, spread the word and get everyone to call it a Rover. It may not seem like much but I will find it really funny, so go on do it for me!

2) It's a bloody Rover!

3) It's a Rover with a few bits of plastic and a fatter engine!

Ok, I am going to go back to work now. I may be able to blog later if I get my PC working. Otherwise I won't. I'm sorry, are your eyes OK? I think I just delivered a Blinding Flash of The Obvious.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Some wierd instruction thing

I nicked this. I haven't got around to 'tagging' anyone else (I assume that is some term to disguise the evil chain letter nature of this! lol!).

Follow the instructions
1. Delve into your blog archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. find the 5th sentence
4. post the text of the sentence in your blog along with instructions:
Ponder it for meaning, subtexts or hidden agendas.
5. tag 5 people.

Actually I tell a lie, the one thing I didnt iron I chose to wear to work to day, probably some subconscious effort not to ruin all my good work.

hmmm. I'll leave the pondering to you and the tagging for later.

[Edit] Apologies to Olivia, I nicked this off her blog but was too bone idle to do links and stuff yesterday.[/Edit]

Back from the Promised Land

Well I am returned from Hull after another good weekend, I think I just like going to parties looking like a pimp because I am with at least two hot women at any one time. This isn't bragging it just happens that the two people I hang round with most when I go to Hull are my friends Hannah and Emi, who just so happen to be Uber-fit hotties. You can imagine the confused looks when people see me with them. Gets even better when Kirsty has time out from work to join us, I look like a proper playboy then!

So yeah, selfish ego boost but what are you going to do eh?

Had to go to the Magistrates Court yesterday to receive sentence on my speeding offence. I got caught speeding on the Motorway on when I moved down here properly in July, I was going through a temporary speed limit and rather than paying attention to road signs I just follwed the traffic. Anyway, point is I broke the law and didn't have a legitimate excuse for it. I also got caught on camera so I got points for that too, as you can see this was a very good day. So, my first ever driving offence in like 11 years. So I go to court and they disqualified me from driving for 7 weeks and landed me with a fine. Sad thing is, if I had grovelled and lied they would have been more lenient, but because I said 'I'm sorry, I have reasons but nothing that excuses my breaking the law' they kicked me squah in the nuts. That's what comes of having the untrained Middle Classes in positions of minor power I guess.

Bothered not a jot though because I got home and was greeted with three despatch notes telling me my computer bits are arriving today, so I'm very happy at the moment. This euphoria will last until I break something shiny and expensive, watch this space. The entertainment involved in blogging the PC build has been scuppered due to the non-purchase of Lego men. Sorry.

Ok, I was going to write another bit here but will do it in a new post.

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