Wednesday, September 23, 2009

"Just delete half of it..."

Where have I been? Well, improvements to Facebook and the existence of Twitter continues to kill off my blogging - which can only be a good thing for you masochists who continue to read it.

Anyway, to the subject at hand. Work, as always, is variable in terms of how much its enjoyable. Recently I was in annoyed, dumb struck and amused in equal parts but as time passes I find it funnier and funnier.

One of the side effects of being on the same project for 4 years is that, despite any efforts to the contrary, you learn things. Some of you more naive people may consider this a good thing, but you're clearly idiots. When you know things, people ask you things and people asking you things leads to people asking you to do things. This can never end well.

I'm cursed with a brain that insists on learning things without my knowledge, at points where I am very clearly not paying attention it can't stop fidgeting and picking useful things up. It's incredibly distressing. When I think that I am focussing on cakes or wombles, I am in fact learning about the finer points of something work related.

As a result of this unfortunate situation and some people leaving the project, I've been asked to deliver some training relating to the project to various people. I was given the material to update and change as necessary, there's quite a lot of it as it's an all-day session. Or at least it was.

I was told a couple of days ago that it is now '4 hours including a morning break and a lunch break'. Now, at this point I had already removed some sections that were out of date or unnecessary but also that we had to add a section to cope with some new developments. This is a new presentation for me, with new materials.

After being told of the time frame, I approached my manager so that he could impart some pearls of managerial wisdom. I explained how the material currently runs at between 5 and 8 hours, depending on how many questions get asked along the way (usually a lot). If we remove the lunch hour, and the break that leaves me between 2.5 and 3 hours to deliver this training. Even conservatively speaking, that cuts the time in half. It was at this point that I was given the best advice I have ever heard, delivered completely seriously.

"just delete half of it"

And that was it.

I'm not going to go into the difficulties presented, the complexities of what it is I am explaining or how 'Just deleting half of it' is going to be challenging to say the least. All of that is irrelevant.

I'm going to become a motivational speaker, I'm going to have t-shirts printed up with the phrase "Just delete half of it..." on the front. I'm going to run seminars. I'll come on stage with the Britney mic, to the tune of 'Don't Stop Believin'' by Journey.

"In a bad relationship?! - Just Delete half of it!"
"Don't like your job?! - Just Delete Half of it!"

An auditorium full of desperate fuckwits chanting 'just delete half of it!"

The day will be scheduled to run between 9am and 5:30pm but I'll fuck off with the money at lunchtime.

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