Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Rules according to Kid Cock

I was going to write a thing about my recent Download Festival experience but thought that would be very dull for everyone - just like the 200 pictures I uploaded to Facebook! Instead I am going to write a nice response article to this one about Kid Rock.

Just for a bit of context, he was supposed to play the main stage but an announcement came on saying that he ahd been taken ill and Disturned would be playing a longer set instead - as my friend so nicely put it 'There was an audible cheer'. Anyway, here are Kid Rock's real rules (you'll need to read the beeb article first):

'START WITH THE SONGS'
That's what equals success in this business - good songs and good music that connects with the people. Trying to get it through the powers that be to get to the people, that's the hard part. harder still is convincing the people you got through to that you didn't just steal the music of infinitely more talented people and palmed it off as your own, you need to some really REALLY dumb fans for that. But a well stolen song will always break down those walls.

I don't think there's any secret to putting on a great show - it all stems from good songs, which is why i am careful not to release anything I've written myself as a single and just rely on other people's riffs that I pitifully remix in the vain hope no one notices. Once you have good songs, it's all about crafting your spiel.

'ENJOY THE FRUITS OF SUCCESS'

I enjoy it and I have fun, but at the end of the day I try not to hurt anyone and really enjoy life.

Honestly, what I like to do on the road is enjoy the fruits of our success. I like to take people to dinner. I like to take my band and friends to dinner and pay for it and enjoy being around them because they're like family. I particularly getting totally fucked up beyond all human recogition and pulling out of festivals that I am suppose to be performing at.

Sometimes I like to close down the pool at the hotel we're staying at and have some fans over and everybody gets naked and goes for a swim. Essentially it's me in a pool, naked.

'STAND BY YOUR FRIENDS'

I stick by my friends and family, through thick and thin.

Even if somebody did something wrong who was close to me, I would take their side because I don't really have the courage of my own convictions.

That causes a lot of problems, but those problems are what make you stronger. You need some scars, some cuts for people to identify, especially when you're in the public eye, for people to know who you are. Or at least that's what big Frank tells me when he gets me to dress up in that special outfit....that's normal right?....I mean, that's just what you do for your good friends. And pay them, Frank says you pay your friends, and let them introduce you to German business men with 'special tatstes'.

Integrity translates into people's music, which is I think why I've been so successful because people believe the people who wrote that music and when they hear the dodgy lyrics I write over those tracks, they assocaite the music with that kind of talent and integrity, so I get kind of respect by association.

'HANG OUT WITH DECORATORS'

I'm a skilled craftsman in my trade. Successful plagiarism and theft isn't as easy as it looks!

I look in the mirror and look at other musicians and say: 'Am I as good as them, am I better?' The answer is clearly no, but successfully convincing people the answer is 'yes' - that's the key, that's the trick.

And I always surround myself with good people. My dad always told me: 'If you want to be a painter, don't hang out with a carpenter.'.

So I surrounded myself with the best painters that I could and I've tried to learn from them. When thjat failed, I just nicked all their stuff and painted over bits of their stuff and palmed it off as my own work. I like to think of it as the musical equivilent of painting by numbers, but one where some other kid has already meticulously filled in most of the pony then I come along an smudge crap all over the lines, essentially making something that was really quite good quite considerably less good.

'STEAL EVERYTHING'

I don't mind people stealing my music, that's fine. But I think they should steal everything.

You know how much money Tommy Hilfiger has? If you need a new laptop or a new iPod, you know how much money Steve Jobs and Apple have?

If you're going to steal music, steal everything - but then just pretend it's yours - that's the key here. Steal shit, and then pretend it was yours in the first place - this works for ideas, music - anything intangible.

Do I steal things? yeah I fucking do! I steal things and now I'm rich.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

The March of Democracy

The problem with the British is that we have no stamina for democracy - we've had enough after 2 of the 4 weeks of a general election. In America, they really get it - 6 months of campaigning just to decide who gets to campaign in the actual campaigning period for the presedential election. And even if you win there is no guarantee that you win! I like that last part, adds an element of suspense to the proceedings. Of course, if you want to get ahead of the game all you really have to do is add up how much each party has spent on campaigning - its probably why ours are so rubbish. Hundreds of millions of dollars spent bad mouthing your opponent as baby eating, devil worshipping goat fuckers is what democracy is all about.

Of course, as with most things America isn't really as good as. Despite the big flash over the top, expensive show you really need to come to Britain for wild misrepresentations of the word 'Democracy'. It's only here where you truly appreciate the beauty of what the ancient Greeks REALLY meant to happen. Democracy should, of course, be broken down something like this:

The Party that receives about 35% of the vote should get over half of the 646 parliamentary seats.

The Party that receives 32% of the vote should receive about 200 of those seats

The Party that receives just under a quarter of the vote should get less than 10% of the seats.

This way democracy and power can be kept out of the hands of the people. This is VERY important, if people start getting the idea that their vote might count it's entirely possible that they'll realise that there is more of a choice than just the Conbour party and the Laservative party.

And we can't have that.

 
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