Wednesday, January 30, 2008

McCain wins Key Florida Election

It seems my views of this chap were outdated, all semblance of principle having been abandoned in the name of the Jesus vote.

Still the term 'Winning an Election in Florida' means something else in the Republican dictionary doesn't it?

3 point Action Plan

This whole buying somewhere to live and furninshing it business is quite convoluted isn't it? At least it is in Surrey where apparently all accomodation is secretly made out of platinum and diamonds. I am going to delay for 6 months whilst I instigate my amazing 3 point Action Plan, detailed below. Oh, if you're a solicitor - kill yourself. That is all.

Matt's Doomed to Failure 3 point Action Plan

1) Quit buying gadgets and useless crap. While you're at it stop buying enough food to survive a nuclear winter.

2) Seriously, why are you looking at that Apple Time Capsule?

3) Don't make me come over there, you don't NEED a fucking hover-board!

It's silly I know - everyone needs a hoverboard.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Sports, Beer, Poor personal hygeine

All the essential ingrediants for a weekend hosting Pedr and my brother Martin (The Waffle).

That's right, after 2 and a half years in Surrey my brother - the product of an unholy union between mouth, monkey and a curly version of Billy Ray Cyrus' haircut - has deigned to visit me.

They arrive on Friday, whence we shall adjourn to a local hostelry to discuss the issues of the day, such as the merits of Heinz over lesser branded baked beans - inlcuding Branston's bold move to make a super-sized bean ina shiny can. Gimmmicks!

Saturday sees Wales rugby receiving their traditional 6 Nations trouncing at the hands of the syphilitic Eton and altogether vicious, cheating and evil English 15 man kicking squad. It is also the Season opener for the Rugby League that evening. I did have some transient plans for going out for the day, showing them the sights, maybe going shopping and having an extended lunch. Insane I know!

Sunday I will be dragging them to Redhill where I will be looking at apartments (when I was a lad they were called flats dagnammit! -Hannah, lets just assume you've shouted 'No they weren't! they were called caves!' shall we? :p), which will no doubt fill them with feelings of joy and excitement. I'll have to keep the Stephen Fry quotes about estate agents to myself for the time being.

Then! The Main Event! The filth that is the New England Patriots vs the marginally less evil New York Giants! I have monday morning off work, so it's a 5am marathon.

Got a meeting now, more later (you can hardly wait can you?)

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Right side of the bed is hugely overrated

There have been a couple of instances over the last month or so where I have woken up - on a work day no less! - and not felt like a complete curmudgeon. Indeed, I've left the house in quite a cheery mood.

This has always ended in disaster and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. The first time it happened I was beset on all sides by a diluvian onslaught which caused me to be very late for work on a day when I really could have done with not being late. For the rest of the day things continued on a downward spiral.

Equally, today felt very perky but was immediately sent into an increasingly dim mood thoughout the morning by a variety of things that conspired to ruin my mood.

Now, those of you who know me know that I am incredibly easy to please, the problem I have is that if I start out pleased and then go to a not-pleased state, returning to the high of pleased is a lot of work. Bad moods last about 12 minutes with me (this is not to be confused with my continual underlying grumpy curmudgeoniness - it IS a word! no need to look it up!) but after that time I am only reset to an annoyed neutral mode.

So. Do away with the right side of the bed and make both of them wrong I say! That way your expectations begin at a an incredibly low ebb and anything good that happens can only serve to improve things and always comes as a pleasant surprise. You end the day better than you started it, without any of the disappointment of having your mood ruined at any point in the day.

I'm a genius. I should totally be a psychologist. I could write books. "Seriously, I'm going to slap you!" and - "15 minutes of Happiness - Because a whole day just isn't possible".

Record breaking shopping times

So I went to visit my friend Hannah in Leamington Spa last weekend and had a very more awesomer time. I even managed to not get horribly drunk the whole time I was there, which Hannah was very thankful for - generally if I am getting horribly drunk it means that whoever I am with pretty much has to follow suit.

Anyway, on the Saturday Hannah, her sister Emma and I went out around the town and I decided I needed to do some clothes shopping - which only served to fill Hannah with dread. Her only previous experiences of me clothes shopping involved me wandering around Hull looking for a shirt to buy. It was a very specific shirt that I wanted and it was only after an hour or so she asked me where I had seen it. Discovering that this was only a theoretical shirt that I imagined must exist somewhere because it was so fetching in my head did not seem to go down very well.

The other instance involved about 2 hours to pick a scarf. This was an equally popular move, as I am sure you can imagine.

Well I am pleased to report that not only did I manage to buy about 7 Tshirts, a pair of pumps and a wallet in a very short space of time, I completely shattered my previous scarf buying record. I could tell I had done well because Hannah wasn't stuffing my spleen into a blender.

We also went to a great Milkshake/Smoothy place called Moo-moos, where my indecision kicked in. That wasn't my fault though - they confuzzled my weak brain with a cornucopia of ingrediants. Was very tasty. Next door was a traditional old school type sweet shop, where we bought all mannner of goodness like Kola Kubes, Rhubarb and Custard etc.

Oh, and if you're looking for somewhere good to have lunch in Leamington - go to the White Horse pub. It is extremely great food. OK, I'll leave it there - that was most of the non-DVD related activities (Robot Chicken FTW!). Once again I failed to take photos, but I am rubbish at that anyway so you're probably better off.

There you go, not only have I given you a 'what I did' post with little to no complaining but also a tourist guide to Leamington Spa! Now. On with the grumping......

Thursday, January 24, 2008

When you make something idiot proof......

They'll just make a better idiot.

Hello. My name is Matt, and I've just been upgraded with the new Idiot v2.0 firmware.

Pretty much since moving to Surrey I have done without a freezer. Madness I know, it was costing me a fortune in food. Anyway, so for ages I've been unable to freeze my cooking, buy frozen foods (for those days when you just can't be arsed!) or - most importantly - have ice for my whiskey.

I now have a freezer. I got very excited and ordered lots of food and meat and then put it in there.

Now, however, I am being defeated in an entirely new way - I keep forgetting to take the meat out to defrost so I can cook it. No one is cleverer than me.

If anyone mentions the word microwave I will ban you. :D

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

1984 - UK Government Training Manual

...the policy of anyone applying for a UK visa will be fingerprinted like a criminal...." - From the comments section of the previous post.

In other news, prisoners are to have RFID tags implanted under their skin so we can track them like the animals they are.

A government spokesman says 'We should all double happy that these double plus good ideas are coming into effect'. This measure is also seen as a future compromise for the fox hunting lobby.

A leaked memo suggests that the 'Rat Cage Hat' is going to be all the rage this summer and will be the fashion accessory of choice in the Government's new Happy Citizen Rehabilitation Centres.

Does anyone know how long we've had a Ministry Of Justice?! I knew they were planning on splitting the Home Office into 2 - Department of Justice and Department of 'Keeping an eye on those swarthy foreign types, and anyone who disagrees with us' or some such, but I thought they were taking the piss! How scary does Ministry of Justice sound? I thought 'Department of Homeland Security' was insidious but I think our penchant for Orwellian language and Tyrant style government departments out does those US amateurs!

What adds to the brilliant irony of the Ministry of Justive is that it used to be called the Department of Constitutional Affairs. I guess when they shifted policy from protecting us and our rights they thought something that implies we are all guilty was more appropriate?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Presumed Consent

This is an open letter to anyone who thinks presumed consent is wrong when it comes to organ donation:

Dig a hole. Get in it. Shut up, you're an idiot.

That's pretty much it, I am using small words so as not to confuse you. About 90% of the British public agree with organ donation apparently but only 20% are on the register. This is because people are lazy and stupid. [Edit] Apologies, these apparently were the wild estimates of an 'expert'. The consent register stands at about 60%.[/Edit]

If you really are such a loathsome human being, you can opt out of presumed consent if you feel strongly about it.

The reason I am so angry about this is because various groups of sanctimonious, self righteous retards are in uproar about the shift to presumed consent. These people think they have a point, and they use a lot of rhetoric, what follows is a translation of everything they are saying in one sentence:

"I would rather sick and injured people die - often slowly and painfully - than have this shift in policy"

Any argument to the contrary is futile because it just ain't true.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Peace with a Bang!

Bush Pushes for Mid-East peace

In other news:

Bill Clinton publishes new book : Fidelity and Me: My life of abstinence
Ted Haggard joins Gay Pride rally
Margaret Thatcher elected new president of the UNISON
Michael Vick new patron of the ASPCA

You get the picture ;)

Friday, January 04, 2008

California Dreaming

When thinking of going stateside it’s always to visit people, and I'm very pleased that Maria lives in Pittsburgh - I really did love that place! I am hoping to go back later this year to watch the Steelers play and to visit Maja again.

Equally I'd like to go to Houston because my friend Daniel Caslassy (friend from Hull University) moved out there a few years ago and works for Pi Studios. In fact he helped develop the Guitar Hero III port for the Playstation 2! If I ever do make it down that way I am hoping to persuade Jo and Dave to meet up for a few drinks, so that they can see that beneath this cynical curmudgeony exterior beats the heart of.......well........a cynical curmudgeon! Of course that would mean them coming up from Dallas - but it's in the same state so it's like driving from Surrey to East Sussex - only about half an hour or so.

At no point have I had any desire to visit California, in fact I would go as far as to say it is one of the places on this earth that interests me the least. Until now.

Nick made me aware of this place. He found it due to the guys over at twit have a food podcast now to go with all their techy stuff! Anyway, the place looks amazing and now I have a reason to go to the sunshine state. This sucks. I have written to the proprietors asking them to relocate with no response, so then I sent them this email:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Matt Jones
Date: Jan 3, 2008 4:05 PM
Subject: International Delivery


I'll cut right to the chase - Is there any chance of you setting up an international Chili smuggling operation? I have yet to taste your Chili as I live in Britain, but I've read and heard a bit about you and think it would be a great idea. I would be glad to become one of your shady UK agents - I have my own dark glasses and a hat. There is a paucity of quality Chili over here, with enthusiastic amateurs such as myself cooking batches up for home use - as restaurants here appear to think adding a tin of tomatoes to some minced beef and threatening the resultant mass with a bell pepper constitutes chili.

I haven't worked out the complete logistics of the operation but I would suggest an entry point into the UK through Holland, via Ferry from Rotterdam to Hull. This ferry is always full of drunk and stoned University students and nobody will be looking for Chili Mules as the authorities will be too busy trying to entice students off the radar tower. Once in the UK I will definitely distribute the Chili throughout the land and spread the good word. I definitely will NOT take it all home and eat it every drop with a spoon the size of my head.

Kind Regards,


I have yet to receive a reply, which I think is very rude indeed.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Worrying Behaviour

I went to Argos on Sunday; I needed some new bedding for my all-encompassing new Duvet. I experienced a slight frisson of anticipation over the prospect of all new bed stuff.

Afterwards I found myself in a coffee shop listening to an audio book whilst writing a letter and drinking a mug of green tea.

I was beginning to think I'd accidentally become middle class, but then I realised that I had visited Argos so might be safe. Also the fact the letter I was writing was neither strongly worded nor to the BBC but in fact to a friend and contained at least one dinosaur doodle alleviated my worries.

Still, I'll be keeping an eye on my behaviour, in particular with regards to whether I ever start believing anything that the Daily Mail writes.*

I was considering a new hobby the other day but may need to move fast. Basically it involves buying the Daily Express every day for a year (OK a little less than a year now) and seeing how many front pages have the word 'Diana' on them.

*I am not suggesting that all Middle Class people are raving bigots who read the Mail or in fact write strongly worded, dinosaur-free letters to the BBC. It's just that I currentyl live in the South East and the risk of that kind of behaviour is far greater down here. So definitely not a sweeping generalisation of any kind.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Car Buying

Is the inability to get easy access to junk food at lunch time (required due to excess the night before) justification for buying a car?

Having failed to use sound (if unlikely) reasoning (visiting friends and relatives, going camping, road trips, spiralling railfares and decreasing reliability of trains) this is the one my brain tried to pull yesterday. The bottom of the barrel I think?

Possibly. But I do really want a car so once again I am going to try and not throw money at shiny things (that aren't cars). 1 month is my current record, who wants to start the bidding on when I will crumble into a twitching heap this time?

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