Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Portents of Doom

I have to go to North London on Friday for what is cheerily described as a Disaster Recovery Test.

This involves me going to a new office up there that has been recently built and is described as a shining example of something or other. The whole point is to prove that I can continue to perform the exercise in futility that is my job from an alternate location should Leatherhead fall to the aliens, as predicted by H.G.Wells.

There's no nice way of putting this, if alien death machines did land and wipe out this part of Surrey, the reaction of the rest of the country would be something akin to 'How much is your fucking shoe-box flat worth now dickhead?!'. We're a pleasant people.

Anyway, I digress. Leatherhead - a rubblesome, smouldering heap. Me, off to North London to continue my important and vital work. Presumably, whatever disaster/terrorist assault/alien invasion/stampede has struck Leatherhead has avoided the city of 7.5 million people that is about 20 miles up the road.

The office in question is being built, and apparently quite combustible. I'm told it's caught fire 'a few times' during the building phase, as with other cost-saving initiatives my genius employers taking the idea of hotdesking to a whole new high. Fuck-off, everyone needs a pun every now and then if only to be reminded how painful they are.

Talking of hotdesking, I don't have a hotdesk, I have a permanent desk. I've just been told that I now have to book the use of my own desk, or some other dithering fuckwit (ie, a dithering fuckwit who is not me) can come and use my desk. This, apparently, is to encourage me to record when I am not here so that some other dithering fuckwit can use my desk and mess up all my mess.

I have decided to see what happens if I do not follow this new genius policy, I suspect it will go something like this:

ME: Hi. You're sat at my desk
DFW: I booked this desk; you'll have to go somewhere else
Me: Uh-huh. It's my desk though, if I could do my work from anywhere I'd be at home in my pyjamas eating toast.
DFW: I'm afraid I booked this desk; you'll have to make other arrangements
Me: If you can work from anywhere, which apparently you can - including a desk that is evidently mine, it has my name on it and everything!- then why aren't you at home in your pyjamas eating toast?!
DFW: I have work to do!
Me: And I have toast to eat, but let me just take your email address so I can refer all questions to you OK?
DFW: What?!
Me: Well I assume you will be adopting my role for the day? Don't worry, I'm good with faces I'll go ahead and set up an Out of Office reply and go eat toast, have a good day!

I'm not sure of the logic. I'm essentially going to have an excuse to go home.

You see how good I am at taking the negative and turning it into the positive? That's right; I am the optimistic King of turning the frown upside down.


Though if you think about it that would just look a bit weird. 'Mate! What the fuck is going on with your forehead! You look like a failed Klingon!'

Anyway, I am going to do more work now.

Desparately seeking separation......

In celebration of the fact that the Labour Party and the Conservative have a policy difference for the fist time since around 2000, all political parties and the press are having a field day with stories about the new economic stuff that the guvmint is going to do.

Now, a few of the outlets and politicians are focussing on the actual content of these policies - analysing the immediate and long term impact. These people are idiots and have no idea how to run either a news story or a political party.

No, the REAL story is in the stuff that was rejected and isn't going to happen. Yup, that's right - everyone is complaining about the rise in VAT that isn't happening. They are telling us how terrible such a rise is and how we are all going to be eating gravel as a result of this thing that isn't actually happening.

The Tories, in a magnificent display of hyperbole have claimed it is a huge tax bombshell, targetted at every family in the country! This immediately made me feel better, it's usually families and their bawling, vomitting, shitting offspring that benefit from my hard-earned dollahs, it's about time they were targetted by a 1000 megatax thermonuclear bomb! (You can use that Dave).

So to recap, in the absence of anything worhtwhile to talk about it's all John Sergeant and a tax rise that isn't actually happening. Way to go Britain, you rock!

Personally I think Labour and Conservative should just stop all of this fightin' and a feudin' and just get together - white middle class millionaires should stick together afterall. They should join into one party, instead of red and blue, how about a nice Royal Purple colour?

They'll need a new logo...... How about Big Ben? (Not St. Stephen's tower, but the thing that is actually Big Ben that makes the noise inside St Stephen's tower). And this would be the end of political in-fighting as there would only be one party, so really the partty to end all parties. The End party. And they'll need a nickname....... purple, big ben, the end. How about the Big Purple Bell-ends?

Friday, November 21, 2008

That's coming along nicely....

I'm going to the pub after work (whenver that happens to be). In order to counteract this possible boost to my social life, I've been forced to use a powerful Pariah-ising tool - The Nerd-o-Geek Puntabulous joke.

I've been waiting on something all day from a colleague who has been swearing at varying degrees of voracity throughout the day. We just noticed he made what can be described as a 'schoolboy error'. Or, as I put it in my incredibly funny email (which travelled a few hundred miles to go about 6 feet):

if (operator==monkey)

No one is cooler than me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Lord Giveth........

I don't ask for much out of life really. Food, booze, toys, gadgets, awesome friends, the formation of a joint Platypi/Badger defence league - the usual simple things.

Amongst my simple desires is a complete Godzilla movie collection on DVD - the Japanese 'AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! GOJIRAAAAAAA!' originals of course. I think we can all agree that this is a simple, right-minded thing for me to want and indeed is really something that is essential to being complete as a human being. Which probably expalins why it is so difficult to get hold of, along with the fact that it doesn't actually exist.

Or so I thought.

Because Life and the Universe are spite-filled bitches, they wafted this in front of my nose earlier. Yeah, that's a Godzilla head - I don't fucking care, look at all that DVD goodness! Out of print - what kind of sadist produces the awesomest collection of more awesomer the world has ever seen and then makes it a 'Limited Edition'?! And not like a Hollywood 'Limited Edition' where 'Limited' means 'Limited to the number of copies we can produce until all the resources of the planet Earth are consumed or until we make Limited Edition II:This time it's personal'. This was an actual limited edition that they stopped making!

It's official, no one has it harder than me. Don't bother trying to find anyone, there's no point. I've thought of appealing to the distributors sense of dignity or humanity, but we all know that people like that have no souls and can only just be considered human because of so-called 'Genetic evidence'. Pfft!

So, come on my peoples - help me out. Help me track down a complete Gojira!! box set so that I can finally finish of that Social Death Spiral I've been working so hard at.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

He had a Dream

Well Jo, 'Liv. You did it, you destroyed the American Dream, I hope you're proud of yourselves.

In 2000 the Republican party proved that just because you lose a Presidential election, that doesn't mean you can't be president of the United States of America. In 2008 Rudy sought to keep that dream of hope alive, to prove that promise of legalised election fraud could still hold true today.

I have no doubt that it was your commnets on thsi blog that finally crushed the stout spirit of this great american and, was taken down.

Now you'll just have to live with your democratically elected leader. See where THAT gets you!

Friday, November 07, 2008

It's not over!

Thanks to The Bugle for pointing this out to mere mortals!

Owing to sheer guts and determination and the American 'Can Do' spirit, you can still donate to the Rudy Giuliani 2008 Presidential campaign!

Never give up! Never Surrender!

Ruuu-dy! Ruuu-dy! Ruuu-dy!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008


First rule of British politics: In the absence of something of substance to say, try to associate yourself with someone who has.

Pick a colour, any colour

Like most alive people, I depsised the Bush administration with an unholy passion but despite his best efforts, there are still lots of alive people left in the world.

I'm not going to talk much about the US elections, other than to say what a joy it was to see two competing candidates. I agree with my friend Hannah - there were two sides, two sets of opinions, two personalities. You could see where they differed and where they agreed. One made the mistake of listening to strategists and abandoned his strengths and went on a pandering/attack campaign. That was a shame, he should have stuck with who he actually is.

But there were differences, and a massive turn out. 11 months is a bit of a piss take for a democratic process but you gotta love that whole separation of power thing they have going on.

All we get to do is pick a colour and wait for the next set of generic public school boys to take over without anything approachign a mandate.

Monday, November 03, 2008


Politicians used to leave me alone back in the day, that was when I was a low income non-voting pleb who didn't understand the wider world or politics. Of course the only thing that was actually true was that I was on a low income, but facts rarely matter in politics and neither do the people.

The only people that matter are those that vote, 75% of which would rather put their own eyes out with a shitty stick than change the way they've voted all their lives, even if their party of choice has changed their main campaign promises to include legislation protecting puppy drowning and child slavery.

That leaves a good 25%, many of whome will be influenced by their rag of choice. You also have to take into account those people who will vote to keep someone out rather than voting with their conscience (I actually did this brainless and fucked up thing once, to my eternal shame). There are people in the world who will vote their conscience, but unfortunately many of those people aren't allowed to vote because they are not 18, and the rest won't matter because we don't actually operate anything resembling a democracy here.

So, unsurprisingly I've gone off topic. I'm now in an income bracket that means politicians now care about my vote, and its fucking annoying. Try explaining to people why you opposed the 10p tax balls up when you are one of the prime beneficiaries. I'm the guy they aim these things at because demographically speaking I am likely to vote, and generally speaking people are selfish fucktwits so i am likely to vote for what benefits me directly which is a sick view of the world.

And sadly it works, any movement that taxes people like me more, or God forbid! One of the many middle-higher income couples that happen to have spawned , then you'll pretty much lose. Because the people who get fucked over the most are the people least likely to vote and that's the way governments like it. And now I definitely know I am become the enemy because I am talking shit about something I barely understand and will do little to nothing about. Middle class, is there anything more evil?

Red or Blue, in this decade can someone please tell me the difference?

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