Sunday, December 25, 2005

Convivial Seasonal Felicitations!

Ok I got this off Kirsty for Christmas. I am adopting the language. So.

Merry Non-specific ecclesastical or secular platitudes for the season! - This one for you Yanks. So much better than 'Happy Holidays'.

Here's one of mine: May I be the first to express platitudinal felicitations on this most auspicious commemoration of the nascency of a gentlemen with a reputation for benificence of a most boundless capacity.

So, yeah. Merry Christmas. (Thanks Kirsty!)

Right, I'm off to go play with my Thundercats Action figures. These people know me too well. Hannah, you have no idea how excited I was when I opened up those toys. Actually you probably do, apologies for the slightly late hour of the call :p

Friday, December 23, 2005

Actually.........It is.

Look. Willpower is for people without credit cards ok? Besides. It's Christmas. Don't even try OK? I have a whole raft of excuses, get-outs and transparent lies available to me to justify the shiny new toy that will be arriving next week and I'm not afraid to use them.

I'll be good from now on I promise. I have a new PC and the MP3 player I've wanted for an absolute age, there is nothing else I've been pining over for the best part of a year so it should all be good. Really glad I waited this long because this one is precisely what I was after. I got it in Dark blue in case you were wondering, Amazon and Play only do Grey, Black, Blue and White.

The Saga of Matt's New PC appears to be nearing an end. I won't go into the excrutiating Geek-filled detail I did with some of my friends, I'll just say this. I'm a Genius. OK that might be a slight exaggeration. I got the new Hard Drive through, it didnt work for a while, then I realised that the writers of Windows are in fact Sociopathic and I found a solution to the problem caused by their bizarre software. It still didnt work, then I realised that they are not only Sociopathic but quite clearly are equal opportunities employers and as such employed some cack-handed, Darwinian nightmare to design a crucial part of Windows. Doesn't matter, I defeated them! muahahahahahahahaha! Provided the Drive doesn't suffer a Head crash after 2 days like the last one of course.

I then proceeded to revoke my new found Genius status when I was once again reminded that I have organisational skills equalled only by that guy out of Memento. The big swanky 'New Years' party that I was going to in London? You know, the one I have booked somewhere to stay for? Not going anymore. Because I am an idiot. It's my Dads 60th birthday that day, how rubbish am I? So am going home instead, considering taking a few extra days too, see how it goes.

Got a good few days planned, going out with Jon and Pete on Saturday, probably Christmas evening too. Then face melting Turkey curry and computer games round Mikes on Boxing day, complete with awful horror flicks. Best plan of revovery. I'm really looking forward to it actually.

Right people, I imagine this is my last post before Christmas adn probably New Year so have a good one, and check back with me soon. I may be putting the odd post up next week before my Hull trip, especially if the toy arrives.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Resistance, apparently, isn't futile!

That's right folks, the credit card has survived the weekend and I am not the proud, yet increasingly fiscally challenged, owner of a Zen Micro Photo.

I came close, even got as far as the checkout at Play.com but didnt go through with it. In fairness, I probably will get one early next year as my last big stupid spend before I start to act a little more responsibly with my dwindling resources. That's if I still want one of course. Unfortunately I've wanted a decent MP3 player for the best part of a year and it's not an urge that is going anywhere so I will inevitably end up with one. At least I have resisted the urge to buy one when I so clearly shouldn't, so I must have a vestige of willpower somewhere.

See if I deny myself totally, that doesn't work. If, however, I keep saying 'I'll get it next month' to myself, that appears to do the trick. At least it's worked for the last 8 months or so.

**************************************************************

It was the project Christmas 'Lunch' yesterday. It was very nice from what I remember. I started with Chicken Livers in a White Wine Gravy thing, which was a little strongly flavoured for a starter for my liking. This is the first time I've had Liver as a dish, odd as that may seem, and I wasn't a huge fan. I'm actually quite disappointed, I know they are kind of a delicacy so would have liked to enjoy them more. I'm always open to trying new foods but I have a real thing about texture that I can' get around. Flavour I'm fine with, I like a lot of things but when it comes to texture I am a bit picky. Basically if it's gooey or squishy, I'm not a fan. ACooked Aubergine, for instance, is just slimy.

Okra. What the hell is this stuff for? It has no flavour and is the most disgusting texture in the world. Seriously, it's like phlegm. People put this stuff in their mouths for crying out loud!

And thus it was with the livers, it's just too squidgy for my liking. Picky I know.

My Main Course was Sea Bass on a bed of basil mash and spinach. I love the fishes, basil is fantastic and I could eat spinach all day long. So the Main Course was awesome. RoboMatt stole my desert so I have no idea what it was like but I wasn't bothered, I only ordered it because there was no option not to. Not a big desert guy. Also I was well into the second bottle of a very tasty White Pinot and things were getting a little fuzzy. After we'd abused the tab enough we rolled over to the pub over the road where the festivities continued. I got incredibly drunk, I mean barely see let alone stand drunk. I did have the good sense to leave early so that I didnt get so bad that I fell in the pond or something. No matter how drunk I was, I paled in comparison to the Herculian drinking effort my manager Alex put in. I left and he was wasted then, I mean worse than me, but apparently he stayed until the end so credit where it's due.

I awoke at 5:30am, as is my rather irritating custom after a massive night out and, failing to get back to sleep, I got up and decided to put my new hard drive in the PC. I figured I'd get it up and running before work. No hope. It's acting very bizarrely and refusing to boot Windows once I've installed the setup files.

Enough geek speak, it's still not working is the bottom line. Got a few things to try later.

*************************************************************

I made a Chilli the other day. I used Scotch Bonnet peppers which are now available rather handily at Tesco. Handy/Dangerous, you decide. I put 4 in the chilli, normally I'd use a good few more than that if I was restrcited to birds eye ones but I know these things are vicious so thought I would be careful. Simply frying them up had me in fits coughing, so it was a wise move. I still had to mop my face up off the floor afterwards but it was really tasty so kind of kept eating. That's my problem you see, I am actually quite good at cooking so if I accidentally make somehting a little too spicy, so long as it's not so bad it numbs my mouth, I'll keep eating because it usually tastes pretty good too. I know what you're going to say Rich but it really was an accident this time!

Anyway. Mike is really disappointed because we can't find anywhere that sells these little demons back home so he asked me for a consignment of them but sadly tesco have sold out for the moment. He's very upset. I won't reveal the several Scotch Bonnet related misadventures involving Mike, because it isn't a fair reflection of him. He's a very clever and nice man, and he somehow doesn't come across that way in those tales. Most of them start with the words 'It can't be THAT hot?........' and generally go downhill from there.

***********************************************************

Dad's coming down tomorrow, we are heading back friday night. I ordered my older brother to decorate the parents house with all things festive, I hope he has because I really want to feel like I am going hom for Christmas not just on a visit, decorations in the house will give me that I think. Already got the weekend planned, Saturday is out on the town with Pete and Jon and whoever else cares to join us. Sunday is the traditional famliy and friends drinks and merriment. No doubt I will continue in my tradition of dragging my dad and brother back from wherever they are in order to open pressies at 2am after our night out on Christmas Eve. I'm such a child. Boxing day I will be in the recovery position, most likely playing computer games all day, eating curry and generally being unsociable. I already told you, I'm a child.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Uncontrollable Male Urges

[WARNING] Geeky gadget post! I've helpfully provided Geek and Non-geek elements, handily tagged for ease of use![/WARNING]

I am of course talking about gadget buying. I've been wanting an MP3 player for months but have held off due to several factors, not least of which is the fact that I really shouldn't use that amount of money on something I don't really need. At what point does it become a waste of money though? I mean if you use something every day, is it really a waste of money?

I've had this argument a lot. I spent a lot of money on the new (still waiting on new hard drive!) computer. When it eventually runs properly, I see it as worthwhile as it won't need replacing for a couple years or so and I will be using it every day. Did I need it? Probably not. My computer is my home entertainment centre though and I do like to play games, it's fun and for the most part a far more worthwhile pursuit than watching TV. So I watch TV on the PC, talk over Skype to my friends, play games, shop - all sorts of things. On the odd insane occasion, when madness sweeps over me, I become 'SuperGeek!' and start buggering around with code.

So yeah, I can see how upgrading can be viewed as a waste of money. By that logic though, so is buying a new house or car. If the old one no longer meets your requirements get a new one. Anyway, the player. I can't defend the purchase in quite the same way as I defend the PC. I would use it every day, definitely but it wouldn't occupy quite the same hub-like status as the computer. When my shoulder stops sounding like a Transformer I'll be back down the gym, so I'd no longer have to listen to their crap music if I had a player but not exactly an essential.

Anyway, I didn't use my credit card and didn't buy any of the ones I was considering. OK, I nearly had to staple my hand to the desk to stop it reaching for the card but I resisted my purchase urge! Let me show you what I was considering buying though. I don't want any of you coming back with any iPod Nano rubbish either! The Mini was quality, especially in green but the Nano is poo and overpriced, as we shall see shortly.

So first thing I, looked at was this:



[Geek Description]This is Sony's new MP3 player. They have this habit of designing weird things just so they don't look Poddish, but I think they struck gold here. It's bloody lovely, no? In addition to its looks, Sony have finally abandoned their ridiculous policy of only allowing their players to run music in ATRAC format and this model will play actual MP3s. [For ATRAC, read: Crap Proprietary Format that's a complete exercise in futility]. Another break from tradition is that they've made it competetively priced, I was so close to abusing my credit card it's untrue. The I remembered something. Sony can't write software. Well they can but using any software written by Sony can be classed under teh heading 'Cruel and Unusual Punishment'. I mean User Interfaces and Menu systems that have been designed by sociopaths. So I checked a few reviews and it turns out I was right. Most other players let you drag 'n' drop tracks in, but with this one you have to use Sony's woeful Connect software. I saw the words 'Worse than SonicStage' in a few reviews and was turned off immediately. If you've never used SonicStage, it's the software equivilent of sticking pins in your own eyes, so Connect must be a crime against humanity. [/Geek description]

[Non-Geek Description]This is Sony's new Walkman, it's really pretty and I nearly bought it. Then I rememebered Sony are crap and read some reviews, so changed my mind. Still pretty though.[/Non-Geek description]

So then I went to see what Creative had been up to, some of you may know I wanted to buy one of their 20GB players a while back but my opinion on mini players has changed since. The larger ones aren't practical for things like going to the gym, so the mini ones become ideal. Creative put me to the test today. They have this:



[GEEKBOY!]Ok, on first glance not much to look at, maybe not as pretty as the Sony right? OK, get this, it's the same price as a 4GB Nano, about 25 more than the Sony mini. It is smaller than the Sony. It has twice the capacity of the Nano. [Actually, lets leave the Nano out of this, it's overpriced and crap]. It has an 8GB HD, colour slide show, great menu system, the option to Partition the drive so you can carry data around, it has an FM tuner and the option to record from the radio. It also has a 15 hour battery life and a removable battery, which most players do not offer. And take a closer look. It really is quite pretty. More to the point I think it fills a great gap, 8GB is a perfect size, before this the gap was pretty much 4GB, 6GB, 20GB. 8 is a good figure I think. And this player is bloody tiny. I was tested, I hope to last the weekend.[/SHUTUP GEEKBOY!]

[NoGeekSpeak!]This may not look as pretty on first glance, but take another look. It's littler and better than the Sony. I like it. I like it a lot! Have held off though. I'm taking it one day at a time.[/NearlyDone]

Ok, apologies for the boring post, but this is what I've been doing today, so you're stuck with it.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Inevitable Christmas Shopping post

I've been very industrious today. So far I have secured suitable gifts for the family. Even managed to get something for the future sister-in-law once I remembered I had one! Ok that sounds really bad, but I've barely had any contact with the girl so its easy to forget someone you don't know. Anyway, I didn't forget so leave me alone damnit!

So the parentals have a couple things and I managed to get something suitably distracting for my brother. I was going to get him something useful for the place he just moved into but it would have been an exercise in futility. Useful things are generally wasted on him (even though he;s the oldest at 32) and besides, I'm sure the parentals will be providing him with all manner of kitchenware. So I got him something cool he can play with. I am tempted to reveal what it is here but I will restrain myself.

I may have stated before that I am usually pretty good at buying presents but, as there are quite a few people to buy for and I am actually doing so for a change, I am on a budget and time has been at a premium. So now I find that I'm second guessing myself. I've seen a few really cool things for The Rah but I'm not 100% sure she'd like them. I think they rock, and we do have pretty similar tastes but you don't want to end up with a 'just what I've always wanted!' response do you? Pretty sure I am sorted with everyone else, must resist buying for me or I will have no drinks money!

So internet shopping has saved me from being the Grinch this Christmas, think I'll buy my presents in September if I am still down here next year!

Bloody London.

I'm being unfair of course, I'm going to see if I can get to shows and such next year, definitely be downright stupid to be so close to the place and not go to the theatre a few times. Might even try and get to the Opera House provided it doesn't involve me selling a kidney. Hang on. All this sounds very resolution-ee. I'll save it until the New Year in case I actually decide to make any resolutions this year.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Things to do....

I appear to have developed a social calendar this week. This is a very good thing, I've been feeling very unpopular of late. Nothing based on fact you understand, I just need constant adoration in order to feel validated in my existence. I'm a very shallow man.

Anyway, a few of us are off down to the lovely Penny Black pub after work tonight in order to say farewell to Nim, who is leaving our Project to seek something more exciting to do with his time than is offered by his current role. You know the kind of thing; seeing how long you can go without blinking, figuring out why Big Toes look so weird etc. So I've sent an email round to a few people inviting them along but I'm not getting a huge response. Maybe it's a little short notice. Or perhaps it's because, in the email, I may have implied that Nim is the Gimp for German businessmen at the weekends.

Tomorrow night the worlds first Welsh Pygmy has invited me to Wimbledon for a night out which should be fun, I haven't seen her in a while. Saying that, neither have most people, she spends most of her time running around below eye level. Anyway I've asked Rob to come along too, possibly in place of but more likely in addition to, our semi-regular Friday session. I'm hoping he comes and brings his new girlfriend with him so I can embarrass her with tales of Saturday night. If I run out of stories I can always start making things up so no worries there!

I also really need to sort Christmas presents out, I've been totally lame! I've done the looking but failed entirely to do the buying part. It's all been a bit mental and haven't had the time to get anywhere good to buy stuff so some people are going to end up with gifts I usually leave other people to buy (DVDs etc. :-( ). I'm not good at many things but present buying is usually one of them so I'll be quite disappointed if time runs out on me to get people things they'll enjoy the most.

Finally an update on the February party. In an astounding display of presence of forethought, Red Leader, RoboMatt, Nim and I have booked into the Farringdon Travelodge for the date in question. We got a room each becuase we got some special rate or other. This is great news as there will be no walk of shame and on the off chance that we are still able to move there is the possibility of bars or clubs after the do or an aftershow party in one of the rooms. I am feeling quite chipper about the whole thing which, considering I was previously going to boycott it, is quite a turn around.

There was going to be a bit here about the possibility of me having to come back to work at a ludicrously late hour to do some time-sensitive things but that's not happening now so woohoo!

Monday, December 12, 2005

New year starts in February

Apparently that's the case. According to my division anyhow.

They've dubbed our Christmas Party the 'New Year Party' as even the dodgers up on high could see ity is so ludicrously far awayfrom Christmas no amount of spin would swing it! I mean New Year is stretching beyond most possible means, unless they are serving Chinese food.

Anyway, that aside, in my previous post I stated the possibility of staying at the hotel. Unlikely at this place! So we have a plan B. There is a Travel Lodge in Covent Garden with room rates a little more reasonable than £235 per night!

It's looking good though, stuffy dinner, drinks then on to Covent Garden with the company I actually WANT to keep. I kow it's months away but there will be quite a lot of people in attendance so we need to sort this out fairly quickly.

Quiet Saturday Drink

Well the ball was phenomenal. It was just immense fun, one of those situations where the company was so good that it didn't really matter where we were.

The organisers did their bit, dressing up in Moulin Rouge styl-ee, complete with ginger moustachioed fat man in a red jacket (fake belly and hair but you can't have everything!). There were dancing girls and plenty to drink. After drinking the wine and bubbly we decided to work out how the free drinks ticket we had worked. Apparently our entry ticket could be used up to a certain value but to my horror this didn't include spirits. Considering the bottled beer they were supplying was fairly shocking and I'd had my fill of wine I was most put out! Luckily a guy I know from my induction traded me some drinks for the ticket, despite my initial protestations that he should just take it.

The hotel, The River Bank Plaza, was really nice. One of those places where I walk in and immediately feel (usually accurately) that I've lowered the tone. As the group I arrived with were reliant on a coach that had been organised, we arrived quite considerably early, so we availed ourselves of the residents bar. Despite having our initial attempts to charge our cocktails to the company foiled, we soildiered on with spirits undampened and soon we were on our way down to floor -4, yes -4, to start the evening proper. I was quite disappointed to discover that, despite being so far into the bowels of the earth, we weren't being served by an army of mutant mole-men. You can't have everything I guess. RoboMatt and I took pity on the waiters who were holding decidedly heavy looking champagne laden trays. We dutifully took one off each of them, so no one of them felt neglected.

Once the room opened we put ourselves at a table at the front, so we could get a decent look at the stage show. It was all going well, then a company bigwig got up and started wibbling on about how great the company is, how great it is to be a graduate right now and various other things that everyone ignored. Eventually he stopped and went back to his seat where he belonged and the party kicked off again.

Things get a little hazy after this point, I remember talking at length at Robs new girlfriend. She was very patient and appeared to listen intently and with great interest to my 'how great is Rob' monologue. I even managed not to begin the praise with 'despite having a head like a potato', I was very proud of myself.

RoboMatt and I wowed a stunned room with our unique interpretation of the word 'Dancing'. In our dictionary the word sits very closely next to 'Seizure'.

At the end of the night the same guy who had my ticket off me was trying to persuade me to stay in the residents bar with him and his friends and to crash on their room floor. In what I thought to be a Herculian display of willpower I got on the coach and went home. Again, I was very proud. Having missed the last train to guildford, RoboMatt was forced to stay on my living room floor and make a 1/2 hour walk of shame to the train station the next morning, in his tuxedo. He later discovered that once again there were no direct trains from Leatherhead to Guildford and ended up having to go through Clapham junction. Once again I was very pleased I turned down the offer of staying in London!

We've decided that should we attend the february bash we are going to get a room between a group of us, I feel I missed out on half the party by having to leave at 1am. I'm sure there is plenty I'm missing out but it can't be that important! Anyway, I better go do someTHing work related.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Shopping failure.....

Well I have failed spectacularly in securing anything riiculous to wear this evening. My first mistake was having a massive lie in, so I didnt get to Camden until around 1pm, obviously the palce was absolutely packed. Couple this with the fact that once people enter London they appear to check there manners in somewhere for later collection and you end up with an unhappy Matt. It's not so much the people who try to walk right through you without so much as an apologetic glance that bother me, it's the ones who stop dead, blocking all pedestrian traffic, so they can answer their phone or wave at someone who has no hope of seeing them. I could understand it if there was nowhere for these people to go but invariably they are looking at something in a shop or stall, and clearly it's more convenient for them to study it from 20 feet away than it is to go and look at the thing and develop some consideration for other people.

So, not used to London shopping yet, apologies for the rant. I really hope I don't get used to it actually because the moment I do I think I will have become as rude as the people around me.

So anyway, got back to Leatherhead and thought I would try and by a deep purple shirt from Next and wear that with my suit and patterned black tie. Unfortunately it is a tiny store and had no such thing in stock. Of course if I'd have thought of this back up plan earlier I could have got one from London somewhere but I'm not known for my common sense.

I'll be wearing my staple pin stripe with black shirt, patterned black tie and some black metal cufflinks. The tie is very cool though.

I think next time I go to Camden I will go with someone else, it was cool the first time but now I've been a couple of times I think the crowd thing will wind me up unless I have someone to talk to. Shopping is more fun if it doesn't seem such a
chore.

On the plus side some of the food vendors looked fantastic. Kudos to all those people in nice clothes successfully walking around tucking into things that looked like they would stain very badly should any spillage occur. This is obviously aquired skill. Also to the three enterprising girls with massive Mohicans charging gawpers £1 per photo they took.

Ok, got to go get changed. Maybe post later when I am good and drunk.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Quality Control

Matt Industries Inc. would like to apologise for the woeful standard of the last blog entry. Usually there is an element of wit, sarcasm and/or insults in our posts and we are shocked and saddened by the author's reliance on second-hand material as 'Filler' for this particular installment. We do not, of course, refer to the excellent 'E-mail from a vaccuous Moron' indirectly contributed by Mr Roberts. His tale and his penmanship rescued what otherwise would have been a post of terrible laziness and lameness. This post can only have served to to be deeply damaging to the reputation of Matt Industries Inc.

The post was so lazy, in fact, that the Porsche 911 Design Team were prompted to send a strongly worded email to the Author:

Dear Usurper,

My colleagues and I were happily browsing the internet today when we stumbled across your so-called 'Web-Log'. We noticed, in particular your latest post entitled 'Mistakes were made'. Indeed they were sir! A very big mistake indeed! Imagine our Horror when we discovered the 'Content' of the said post, nothing but reproduced material! Just because we here at the Porsche Body Design Lab are so soporifically lazy that sloths shake their heads in shame, it does not follow that we are also stupid! You seek to challenege us in the competitive world of bone idol wasters? Us, the supreme champions of being paid to do bugger all!

Well let me tell you that it's not as easy as it looks, your laziness lacks the finnesse and class that we have spent decades perfecting. It's all very well cut and pasting other peoples words but can you change a single word and convince people that it is something entirely new? No! You can't! You would be found out in an instant! Where as we at Porsche spend years 'developing' a new 911. The Engines are re-engineered, the wheels carefully designed, the suspension calibrated for optimum performance and the chassis made with the strongest and lightest materials that can be found! Then the work of my team can begin. We carefully take out the previous shell design and Tip-Ex out the date. We then carefully fill in the next roll-out date ovver teh whited-out area. We photocopy the work, and presto! A new model 911 is born!

This is an art that has been perfected over many years, leaving us time to engage in higher pursuits. This blog entry has shattered the peaceful harmony of our pre-launch lives, a harmony we need before the hustle and bustle of the busy photocopying week. That rear spoiler doesn't get a slight angle change by itself you know! Steve is particularly upset as your post distracted him so much he failed to beat his high score on Tetris. We demand an immediate and public apology for this denegration of our fine art!

Yours in disgust,

The Porsche 911 design team


We are moved by this emotional letter and would like to assure all those at Porsche and, indeed, others who have been aversely affected by the offending article that this will not happen again. We would also like to offer a whole hearted and uncompromising public apology and ask only that you give us, here at Matt Industries Inc., one more chance. We will not fail to deliver on your faith! No reproduced article will fail to be accompanied by appropriate effort on the author's part.

We thank you for your time.

Mistakes were made...

Ok, I only had like 3 pints last night so what possessed me to post that picture, I have no idea. I am lumped with it now though as I have promised not to delete posts so there it shall remain. I'm just going to have to post a lot more so it rolls off the end.

Anyway, I am posting early today as I still don't trust my home internet connection despite the fact in now appears to be behaving itself. On the face of it Mr BT Engineer man appears to have fixed the problem but it could be planning a surprise attack (or surprise burst of inactivity to be more precise!). Also I have a conference call at 4 which could drag on for a while as it's going to be conducted in Corporate. It's a very similar language to English but with no rules on form or structure. Or indeed on actual, real words.

I got sent this today, it's old but excellent and still holds true. Got to apologise, it's supposed to be in columns across the page but Blogger doesn't like White Space (tabs and spaces etc.) so removes them. Stupid thing:

The Systematic Slick Phrase Generator



0. Integrated
1. Total
2. Systematised
3. Parallel
4. Functional
5. Responsive
6. Optional
7. Synchronised
8. Compatible
9. Balanced

0. Management
1. Organisational
2. Monitored
3. Reciprocal
4. Digital
5. Logistical
6. Transitional
7. Incremental
8. 3rd Generation
9. Policy

0. Options
1. Flexibility
2. Capability
3. Mobility
4. Programming
5. Concept
6. Time-phase
7. Projection
8. Hardware
9. Contingency

Procedure:
Think of any three-digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. eg number 257 produces ‘systematised logistical projection’, a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No-one will have the remotest idea of what you are talking about, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!



I was thinking of including a random phrase in all documents I produce. Finally I have to reproduce an email that Mike received today. Mike is a Software Developer. He works for a Software Development company. This is very important to remember:

I am unable to contact you through you customer service email address. My order was incorrect, in that I ordered 2 snowmen and only one arrived. Can you please look into this matter for me. Regards Bob May


I'm surprised he was able to place the order with brainpower of that magnitude. Mike did pen a response email, but no matter how much I urged him he refused to send it. So I've reproduced it here for your consumption. I'm sure he won't mind. i'll ask him later.

Dear Sir, I am a developer for a software company and as such have very little contact with Snowmen. However, I will endeavour to make you some Snowmen as I learned that the customer is always right even when they are blatently stupid.
Sincerely,
Mike Roberts
Head of MisInformation, Misplaced Snowmen Divisionm, [Place where Mike Works]

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Isabella Rossillini in the Flesh!

That's right folks, here I am in Glorious Technicolour! Ok, on the way home from some gentle libation down the Penny Black I decided that I would post whatever the first snap on the webcam was. Here it is, as you can tell even after a couple of pints I am slightly worried....





As I side point, I should highlight that the second photo shows that my Tshirt says 'GENIUS' in bold lettering. I can assure you this is just because I am a crap liar and therefore much prefer to do it in writing.

Live and in Glorious Technicolour!

Maria and I talk on MSN quite a bit, she's the one person from my first year at University who I speak to regularly. Anyway, the other week she got herself a webcam and we talked over Skype. It was awesome, haven't seen her or heard her voice in over 3 years and there she was. Was quite weird but good at the same time, one of those situations where you meet an old friend and it's like no time has passed. She's having trouble with a psycopathic weirdo-girl on her course at the moment. My suggestion of the Cartman approach to 'Kick her Squah in the Nuts!' appears not to be the preferred method of dealing with the problem. Just think she should bear it mind is all.

So, the point is she then persuaded me to get a webcam thing, which seemed like a good idea at the time. Unfortunately it occurred to me as I shelled out my cash that Maria is one of these irritating people that always looks good. I'm not exaggerating here, you could dip her in a tank of ugly juice and she'd still look good. Where as I....... well put it this way, while on Merserene's blog I tried a bit of photo software she linked to. It's supposed to match you up to which celebrity you look like. I tried 4 different photos, I got Gene Hackman (a 75 year old bald man), Isabella Rossillini (OK, quite attractive but not a good look for me) and someone called Nigel Short - who at least was under 90 and had glasses.

Finally and you'll love this one - Benicio Del Toro. Benicio? Yeah I'm the spitting image! Apart from the glasses, short hair, milky skin tone and lack of any hispanic heritage, we could be bloody twins!

Do I look like any of them in fact? It was quite a blow to my ego I can tell you. On the other hand, as a side effect of me not having many photos of myself on my own, a few other people got the treatment too because they were in the photos I ran through the software. Hanrah got Jennifer Anniston and Rob (Emi, you will love this) looked like some ageing American Actress, I'll put the name up later once I get home and find it as it escapes me right now. Feel free to add me if you haven't already by the way, my bizarre username is in my profile.

The point of this lengthy tale is that people who talk to me on MSN now run the risk of me inflicting my shiny new toy on them. I'll be testing the thing out over the next week or so, so expect some stills to appear on my blog from the Mighty Blobeye!

I should have mentioned, I've decided to name it. Quite liking the Mughty Blobeye at the moment but I'm open to suggestions. This is my shiny new toy. Despite the box saying it is actually not. It's all very strange but Argos seem to have a bunch of incorrectly packaged ones. Anyway, that's what I got. Hence BlobEye. I'm far too easily amused I know.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Hair by LEGO

I was going to have a big rant here about the US outsourcing their Torture operation to ex-Eastern Block countries and the wriggly little Condoleeza Rice successfully denying the Torture claims based on the US Goverment definition of the word Torture. It's vague to say the least.

Hang on. I've started haven't I? Ok, I'm stopping now. Although I should warn you this may resurface when I'm in one of my more caustic moods.


No, today we discuss more important matters and that is Condoleeza Rice and her laminated haircut:


Seriously, is this really a good look? I mean i could understand it where I am from, it rains a lot. I mean it rains a lot! A Teflon hair cut like that could save an awful lot of frizz don't you think? I'm thinking that LEGO have employed her as some kind of poster girl and the do is in fact interchageable. So don't be surprised if you see slight colour alterations as she switches.




Once again we see the polymer hair in action, or rather not in action. I wonder if that's the stuff they make the heat shileds on shuttles out of? I'm saying nothing about the pose she is in. Nothing at all. Just, you know, bear it in mind.



Some possible suitors for the lovely Rice.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Working late

I'm developing a nasty habit of satying late to finish work or do other work related things. This is like the third or fourth time I've been here when I am not supposed to be in about 5 1/2 months! 4 times in 5 moths isn't a habit? Well I did say developing. This kind of unhinged behaviour doesn't occur overnight you know, it creeps up on you so as you don't notice! It's the thin end of the wedge I tells ya!

Space hoppers. This is the correct form all space hoppers should take:



All others are unworthy pretenders to the unassailable throne! People who own them should be mocked and ostracised! The offending items themselves should be melted down and, preferably, reformed into the true shape but if found unsuitable transformed into some kind of quality control stamp especially for Space Hoppers. Manufacturers of these false abominations should be arrested, if not killed.

I mean look at this travesty:



Behold its inappropriate blueness, it's too spherical shape and ridiculously angled 'Ears'. Friends! This is no Space Hopper! Where is the welcoming, slightly grubby orange hue? Where are the ever so slightly floppy ears with ergonomically designed grips? Where is the photo-realisitic visage which greets you as you approach your beloved Hopper?

Cast them out friends and villify those who perpetuate this fraudulent madness!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Toiling for The Giant Ant Masters (Mants!)

Ok, so the bosses aren't weird Ant/Man Hybrids who have me working down their sugar caves but I have been pretty busy today. Also the internet is broken at home, all of which explains the lack of a recent post. As Olivia rightfully points out, politics appears to have once again spooked my commentators!

I know I normally restrict myself to more important and serious things, so while tomorrow there will be a post on Condoleeza 'Child of Satan Put On this Earth to Spread Misery, Perturbation and Despair' Rice very soon, I will also be addressing important matters, including 'Beast Idol' - the new reality show to give the Higher Being a helping hand and the correct shade and design of a proper space hopper.

Sorry about the short length of this post, more soon.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Blair learns how to divide by Zero!

Well we have been told by Mathematicians throughout the Ages that this feat is entirely impossible but the Cherubic Saviour Tony Blair has once again proven these so-called 'Experts' wrong. "The laws of the natural world do not apply to the Divine Being" says Blair, who has taken to referring to himself in the third person since his ascension to Divinity. "By discarding common so-called 'Laws of Mathematics' I have been able reduce income and increase received cash into my country. This is a new golden age in the history of My Great Nation and as such, from this day forth Great Britain shall be known as The Golden Empire of Blairtonia" :

....he [Blair] stressed that even though the rebate might go down in percentage terms, the amount the UK would receive in cash would still go up.


In other news, several leading Blairtonian Academics have sadly met their untimely ends in a tragic accident at a Government sponsored conference in Wilthshire. The Conference in which Mathematicians, Economists and Social commentators were invited to discuss the glorious policies of the Annointed One was attended by Academics from across the nation who previously were considered 'critics' of the Second Coming. In a moving public statement The Bringer of The Golden Dawn said "It is truly devastating that these brilliant minds were taken from us just at the point when they began to see the Eternal Wisdom of my Doctrine. I have, here in my hand, signed documents from each of these poor souls. Documents that extole the virtues of all my policies and even, in some cases, praising my good looks. This conference was to be a coming together of understanding where those previously in opposition could embrace the True Path. I only thank Me that I was delayed on my way there or I may have met an equally unfortunate end".

The end to which the Light Of Heaven was referring to was, of course, the tragic military miscommunication that occurred on the day of the conference. Both the 17th Royal Bombadiers and the Royal Air Force Tactical Strike Squadron were on manoeuvers that day. Somehow both Units received the wrong coordinates when testing new Destroy Insurgent Enemies (DIE) weapons and, in a Tragic Quirk Of Fate, the conference centre was utterly obliterated from the face of the earth, leaving all attendees - as one witness eloquently put it - "Like greasy stains on a burned carpet".

Investigations carried out by the Blairtonian Friendly Truth Squad, using their special electrically powered 'Hearts and Minds' maces, have revealed that someone a bit foreign looking was seen somewhere in the vicinity of Wiltshire a week before the error. "These terrorists have clearly breached our communications systems" said an angry and wrathful Higher Being. "I will not rest until we have invaded a small, defenceless, Arabic nation where they are clearly hiding! Fear not, your Messiah will give you someone to blame and bring them to Justice!"

It has once again been my privilege to report on the activities of the Holy One and I would like to take this opportunity to denounce those lazy hacks who would rather spend their time attempting to find 'flaws' in policy instead of accepting our Glorious Leader at his word! Come one everyone, why would he lie to us, His beloved children?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Ache Free and Suspicious......

I have very few aches today, despite increasing a few of the weights yesterday. I have two theories to explain this unusual bodily behaviour:

a)My Body is slowly getting used to being exercised at.
b)My Body wants me to think it is slowly getting used to being exercised at.

I am going to go go with b). I know this clapped out piece of crap very well and it's a devious bugger. No doubt I will have developed scarlet fever or leprosy by tomorrow. Either that or it's saving up for after tomorrows gym excursion so it can deliver a double whammy ache-fest on Saturday and thus force me to walk like a robot.


I've been given some intensely dull work to do today. It involves burning CDs and printing Labels for them. I'd go into more detail but what did you ever do to me? I am having a sit down to recover from the excitement.

I was considering inserting random episodes of the Thundercats onto the CDs to teach them a lesson, as technically they are supposed to check the disks before they go out. Apparently they would frown on such a move whcih I think is terribly unsporting of them, it could be a bit like Russian roulette. Also the Clients could have some entertainment while installing the software, everyone's a winner!

I'm hoping my internet is still on when I get home, had a bit of a wobble last night before settling down and behaving itself but I've not had a chance to test it today.

Sorry this is a rubbish post, my brain went to sleep during the CD thing and waking it up has caused it to ache. More entertaining posts later or tomorrow, promise.

Where misunderstanding serves others as an advantage,
one is helpless to make oneself understood. Lionel Trilling

 
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