Friday, December 02, 2005

Blair learns how to divide by Zero!

Well we have been told by Mathematicians throughout the Ages that this feat is entirely impossible but the Cherubic Saviour Tony Blair has once again proven these so-called 'Experts' wrong. "The laws of the natural world do not apply to the Divine Being" says Blair, who has taken to referring to himself in the third person since his ascension to Divinity. "By discarding common so-called 'Laws of Mathematics' I have been able reduce income and increase received cash into my country. This is a new golden age in the history of My Great Nation and as such, from this day forth Great Britain shall be known as The Golden Empire of Blairtonia" :

....he [Blair] stressed that even though the rebate might go down in percentage terms, the amount the UK would receive in cash would still go up.

In other news, several leading Blairtonian Academics have sadly met their untimely ends in a tragic accident at a Government sponsored conference in Wilthshire. The Conference in which Mathematicians, Economists and Social commentators were invited to discuss the glorious policies of the Annointed One was attended by Academics from across the nation who previously were considered 'critics' of the Second Coming. In a moving public statement The Bringer of The Golden Dawn said "It is truly devastating that these brilliant minds were taken from us just at the point when they began to see the Eternal Wisdom of my Doctrine. I have, here in my hand, signed documents from each of these poor souls. Documents that extole the virtues of all my policies and even, in some cases, praising my good looks. This conference was to be a coming together of understanding where those previously in opposition could embrace the True Path. I only thank Me that I was delayed on my way there or I may have met an equally unfortunate end".

The end to which the Light Of Heaven was referring to was, of course, the tragic military miscommunication that occurred on the day of the conference. Both the 17th Royal Bombadiers and the Royal Air Force Tactical Strike Squadron were on manoeuvers that day. Somehow both Units received the wrong coordinates when testing new Destroy Insurgent Enemies (DIE) weapons and, in a Tragic Quirk Of Fate, the conference centre was utterly obliterated from the face of the earth, leaving all attendees - as one witness eloquently put it - "Like greasy stains on a burned carpet".

Investigations carried out by the Blairtonian Friendly Truth Squad, using their special electrically powered 'Hearts and Minds' maces, have revealed that someone a bit foreign looking was seen somewhere in the vicinity of Wiltshire a week before the error. "These terrorists have clearly breached our communications systems" said an angry and wrathful Higher Being. "I will not rest until we have invaded a small, defenceless, Arabic nation where they are clearly hiding! Fear not, your Messiah will give you someone to blame and bring them to Justice!"

It has once again been my privilege to report on the activities of the Holy One and I would like to take this opportunity to denounce those lazy hacks who would rather spend their time attempting to find 'flaws' in policy instead of accepting our Glorious Leader at his word! Come one everyone, why would he lie to us, His beloved children?


Olivia said...

Matt, everyone seems to have run away from the politics...

MattJ said...

I know! there would have been further posts over the weekend but the internet is still broken at home and it only comes on intermittently. Engineer out tomorrow! woohoo!.

I havent had a chance to post today as I've been really busy, hopefully will find time in my lunch hour tomorrow!

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