Friday, December 09, 2005

Mistakes were made...

Ok, I only had like 3 pints last night so what possessed me to post that picture, I have no idea. I am lumped with it now though as I have promised not to delete posts so there it shall remain. I'm just going to have to post a lot more so it rolls off the end.

Anyway, I am posting early today as I still don't trust my home internet connection despite the fact in now appears to be behaving itself. On the face of it Mr BT Engineer man appears to have fixed the problem but it could be planning a surprise attack (or surprise burst of inactivity to be more precise!). Also I have a conference call at 4 which could drag on for a while as it's going to be conducted in Corporate. It's a very similar language to English but with no rules on form or structure. Or indeed on actual, real words.

I got sent this today, it's old but excellent and still holds true. Got to apologise, it's supposed to be in columns across the page but Blogger doesn't like White Space (tabs and spaces etc.) so removes them. Stupid thing:

The Systematic Slick Phrase Generator

0. Integrated
1. Total
2. Systematised
3. Parallel
4. Functional
5. Responsive
6. Optional
7. Synchronised
8. Compatible
9. Balanced

0. Management
1. Organisational
2. Monitored
3. Reciprocal
4. Digital
5. Logistical
6. Transitional
7. Incremental
8. 3rd Generation
9. Policy

0. Options
1. Flexibility
2. Capability
3. Mobility
4. Programming
5. Concept
6. Time-phase
7. Projection
8. Hardware
9. Contingency

Think of any three-digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. eg number 257 produces ‘systematised logistical projection’, a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No-one will have the remotest idea of what you are talking about, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!

I was thinking of including a random phrase in all documents I produce. Finally I have to reproduce an email that Mike received today. Mike is a Software Developer. He works for a Software Development company. This is very important to remember:

I am unable to contact you through you customer service email address. My order was incorrect, in that I ordered 2 snowmen and only one arrived. Can you please look into this matter for me. Regards Bob May

I'm surprised he was able to place the order with brainpower of that magnitude. Mike did pen a response email, but no matter how much I urged him he refused to send it. So I've reproduced it here for your consumption. I'm sure he won't mind. i'll ask him later.

Dear Sir, I am a developer for a software company and as such have very little contact with Snowmen. However, I will endeavour to make you some Snowmen as I learned that the customer is always right even when they are blatently stupid.
Mike Roberts
Head of MisInformation, Misplaced Snowmen Divisionm, [Place where Mike Works]

1 comment:

Olivia said...

This random phrase generator is a very useful corporate tool.

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