Monday, March 20, 2006

Humblest apologies

OK, I'm really sorry about the lack of updates! It's a cross between business and general lameness. I will hopefully be posting properly later today and being much more frequent with it afetr that. For now though, I give you this to ponder:

The Commonwealth Games:

Amazing athletic event, steeped in history and tradition, or an excuse for Britain not to compete against the Americans, Russians and Chinese in something?

Monday, March 13, 2006

Not My Fault!

OK, so I was going to catch up on my blogging at the weekend but I was foiled by Demon Internet! damn their eyes! And their other bits too for that matter. Here's why:

[Full Geek-o-Tech Explanation] They've been having routing issues which has resulted in some users, ie me, having problems getting to certain or all websites. In my case this is all of them. So most times I can ping the sites but can't navigate to them because I can't resolve the domain names. I am going to run a trace route later if it is still pooched (technical term) and send the results to Demon's army of techmonkeys to fix.
[/Full Geek-o-Tech Explanation]

[Non Geek-o-Tech Explanation] T'internet's broke [/Non Geek-o-Tech Explanation]

Anyway, I'll be posting more later today. Not sure I will have the time to dedicate to the Animal issue yet but I will get something up and will endeavour not to be so lame this week!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Evil Minions/Henchpeople/Lackeys Required

Exciting new ventures in Matt Enterprises have created excellent new opportunities in the areas of Henching, Minioning and Lackeying. If you're brusque, easily distracted and/or fooled, a terrible shot with automatic weapons and can talk very loudly to a colleague about confidential information then this could be the job for you!

The roles can involve a plethora of tasks, with enough variety to keep you happily henching for many years(1)! Here are some examples of just a few of the exciting tasks you can look forward to in your new(2) career:

Accidentally revealing the location to the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano to the one person we don't want knowing that information.

Succumbing to arbritrary threats of violence despite appearing to be a hardened professional and revealing the location to the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano to the one person we don't want knowing that information.

Allowing the beautiful temptress of questionable loyalty out of you sight long enough for her to sleep with a highly trained and strikingly obvious Secret Agent and reveal the location to the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano to him.

Fail miserbaly to guard the Big Red Self Destruct button in the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano, thus allowing the dashing and still blindingly obvious secret agent to destroy the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano, whilst making a timely getaway with Temptress of no longer Questionable Loyalty.

Never Question why there is a Big Red Self Destruct button in the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano.

Of course there are many, many more activities you can look forward to in your new career but enough about the work! What about the benefits? Well we here at Matt Enterprises value our underlings and so provide you with a whole host of benefits and social activities:

All Henchpeople will be provided with a fetching, ill fitting Boiler suit in an inappropriate colour. Most likely this will be some kind of Evil Blue or Orange. In addition to this, bad haircuts, hard hats and unconvincing scowls will be provided

Enjoy shooting? Excellent marksmanship? Well don't worry, we are an equal opportunities employer and at our special shooting ranch we will train you to true henchperson standards! If you can hit the side of a barn whilst you are in it when you leave, we'll poke your eyes out!

We also throw regular 'Meet the Nemesis' parties where we invite the ludicrously obvious Secret Government Agent to infiltrate a private party, drug our henchpeople and steal away with the Beautiful Temptress of Questionable Loyalty and any secret plans we may have brought to the party with us!

So if this sounds like your idea of a dream job, call us now or send a covering letter along with your criminal record to:

Expendable Resources
Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano
The Island Volcano
(If no answer, leave mail with Mrs Jenkins next door)

1 This is not a guarantee of survival. Falling of gangways, accidents feeding mutant sharks/piranha and arbritrary executions by cat stroking CEO may result in early termination of contract.

2 Probably very short.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Dar(win) Wars Episode I - The Bantom Menace

See what I did there? Ok I am back and it looks like some of you have been busy bees! But not wasps because it would appear that they are right out the window! This is only a brief post to fill you in on some other suggestions I have received whilst I was away, from people too bone idle to register and comment!

Most notably from Pete (not Pedr) who considers 53 breeds of Parrot far too many. He reckons we can eliminate them and use the resultant genetic material to make one super parrot that is 8 foot tall, weighs one metric ton and can speak 15 languages. An interesting concept with a lot of merit, however I can already hear all you people wanting the aesthetics and rainbow of colours multiple breeds provide. Well fear not because I am always thinking of you. I'm liking Pete's idea, perhaps we could do a size rethink but that's just a detail. For the colours though it's simple, instead of feathers they have feather coats and a variety of changes. Or we can simply make them chamaelionic? See how easy this is?

I received some resistance for the removal of the Moose from Hannah and Emi but neither appears motivated enough to comment here so not sure the votes count.... (blackmail won't work on them but I really am low enough to try anything to increase the illusion of popularity!). To be fair Emi resisted the removal of any animal for various reasons. She talked about somethings called an 'Ecosystem', 'Biodiversity' and 'evolutionary reliance'. She thinks I'm stupid enough to believe that they are real words! pah! Even if they were, which they're not, the tiny day to day details can be left up to this higher power right? I mean he is meant to be pretty swish with that kind of thing?

Mike suggested horses, as did Emi but both for very different reasons. I am inclined to agree with them because I am not overly fond of them but I did suggest it would be an uphill struggle to lose such a well loved animal. Mike thinks they should go because, and I quote, "What kind of idiot puts something that heavy on such stupid, spindly little legs? Get rid and replace them with one huge leg that they can hop about on!"

Emi has actually thought this through quite a lot "I think there should be some kind of rule relating to a body mass:brain size ratio. Horses are too big for the size of brain they have". This was a strong argument until me and Hannah started discussing ostriches, which have tiny brains. We concluded, at some length, that you could make tiny little ostriches in order to conform to Emi's new rule. At some point we were discussing using tiny ostriches as currency so deiced to abandon the conversation before it got silly.

I think the only other major Noah development from my end was the elimination of all normal squids, leaving us only with giant ones the size of battle ships. Also the reintroduction of dragons. The main reason for this, from my perspective, is to revive an interest in Cartography. Not like Ordnance Survey Maps and stuff but cool maps with 'Here Be Dragons' and stuff written on it!

OK, I'll be reviewing all your comments some time tomorrow soon as I get the spare time. Thanks for all your work, I feel you've all been very productive and thanks to you I feel confident we can look forward to several new species of interesting/amusing/rampantly dangerous animals in the near future! Bye for now.

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