Thursday, June 29, 2006


So Rich L has finally got us organised and a small group of ex housmates and friends will be meeting up in Birmingham on Saturday. He cunningly tried not to notice the England Vs Portugal quarter final but I ain't that dumb!

I'm looking forward to the day if not the travel up. May be able to hook up with Rich on the way though, will have to wait and see. Looks like Hannah is coming across from Telford too so well pleased about that one! Off for a curry in the evening so all lookin good!

Birmingham has more miles of canals than Venice.

I bet the Venetian Tourist Board are shitting themselves.

It's not Terrorism when the Tanks are American

Makes you all warm and fuzzy inside doesn't it? Knowing that the sweet and innocent Israel can defend itself against the military might of the Evil Arabs in the Gaza strip.

Because the only reason they are in there of course is because the Prime Minister cares so much about the poor sweet and innocent boy who got kidnapped by parties unknown. Of course the government of Palestine know exactly where he is, so it's perfectly OK to start imprisoning elected officials. I mean, Hamas weren't meant to win anyway, the people didn't really mean to vote them in so Israel ios doing them a favour.

And it's not like the Israeli Primeminister has been rattling his sabre since he got into office or anything. Suggestions that he was just looking for an excuse to expand the illegal occupation of Palestinian territory or just crazy. He was a man of peace, you know. Just like his cuddly predecessor. Only this guy makes Sharon look like a moderate.

These brave fighting men have nothing but the latest advances in American Military hardware standing between them and the vicious terrorists they seek to destroy. All they want to do is promote democracy, as long as you elect the right people.

Personally I pray for the day when people stop whining about 'Israel engages in nothing mroe than US Sanctioned terrorism'. 'Israel has more UN Resolutions passed against it than any other country in the world combined'. Bush says it's OK! Attacking hostile occupying forces is terrorism if you're an Arab, it's as simple as that!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Big Brother

I've not seen any of this program for several years, thankfully. I spoke to a friend about it and although I have always despised it, it's only after the second or third one that I started to ignore it completely due to the fact that I couldn't believe the people on it managed to get through life without being stabbed in the face.

He came up with a good point. I'll paraphrase. 'At least when started they used relatively normal, if dimwitted, people and sat them down and waited for them to crack. There were psychologists and people giving educated views on the dynamics in the house. Now they just put people in there who have already cracked and it's nothing more than a freak show'. Pretty accurate I'd say.

While I don't watch it, it's impossible to avoid without taking my own life. People in work talk about how [Vaccuous retard 'A'] said X about [Posing retard 'B'] and [Waste of BioMatter 'C'] tried to arbitrate with ['Can Actually Hear the Oxygen Being Wasted 'D'] to resolve the Tea issue. Or some crap like that. I have two quotes to finish on here, or I will go on forever about how we should keep things the same except that when they get in the house make them do a Battle Royale.

That's entertainment.

Billy Connolly: "People are sitting in a house........watching people SITTING IN A HOUSE!, for fuck's sake!"

John Holmes : (after some wannabe media whore is voted off) '.......they should replace her with a Tiger. A tiger especially trained to eat dickheads. And not only that it should be made more like the real Big Brother in Orwell's 1984. Where all 12 of them get their faces eaten off by rats. Only not just normal rats but poisonous rats.......armed with hammers. Then they can all get chased around the pool by the specially trained tiger having their faces eaten off UNTIL THEY ALL DIE!'

Sorry all. The bile needs to be released periodically.

Friday, June 16, 2006

The vagaries of Chilli Con Carne

Ok so first off is it 1 L or 2? Americans appear to use 2 and, as the dish is generally agreed to have originated there, I am guessing they are right. It's difficult to drop that extra L though, so I will stick with it for now. Oh and yes, it would appear to be a common myth that it originated in Mexico, certainly in it's popular form.

Anyhow. My Chilli Conks are fairly simple affairs involving Tomatoes, onions, Kidney beans, steak mince, chillis, chilli powder, tabasco, tomato puree, garlic, cumin, sometimes beef stock, Marmite (trust me people) and salt. And about 2-3 hours cooking time.

I cook mainly in a Wok, which is great for Currys and OK for chilli, my Wok is vast. However I don't have a lid and both my friend Mike and my Mum appear to have the same 'arse end' of old pressure cookers that serve as brilliant chilli pots. They are really big and have a dense base, which prevents burning over long cooking periods and just make ideal chili pots. I have 1 good pan. It's my Wok, and the fella is getting on a bit having suffered a few too many 'fill it to the brim with curry' sessions. Along with various drunken stir frys, noodle dishes, fried rice experiments, potato and spinach side dishes and anything else you care to imagine.

So I have decided that I need a good dedicated Chilli Pot. I have a few options in mind but am tempted by the vaunted pressure cooker option. To justify the purchase of a new Pressure cooker, I would need to use it as such. Which would be novel as I have no idea how one is supposed to pressure cook something. I am guessing it doesn't involve shouting 'FASTER, or the bunny gets it!' at it.

So either I try to locate a good retailer of dedicated dense based pots of immense capacity, buy a pressure cooker or locate an 'arse end of an old pressure cooker' option.

Once I have my new specialised equipment (I already have a wooden spoon) he will need to be named. My options are:

1) Bernie.

2) Trogdor : The Burninator - a tribute to one of my favourite sites Homestarrunner. In particular this particular Strong Bad email : How to draw a Dragon

I also found a great website, home of the International Chili Society!. The great thing is that they post recipes of past winners of the World Championship Chili Cookoff. So I plan to sample new recipes! I am gonna try some of them non minced meat recipes. I might even try the one that has sausage in it. Seriously check them out!

This is were my American friedns coem in! :D You can help by translating those weird American ingrediants into something I can understand. Like Wesson Oil - that's just vegetable oil right? Tins of tomatoe sauce, that like puree? It's all very confusing. So come people, pull together so I can make international championship standard Chilli Conk!

Monday, June 12, 2006

Red Leader - Engines down, approaching the Death Star

That's right folks, our Beloved Red Leader is leaving the project to crash disastrously and headlong into the Deathstar of another project .

OK, enough of the Star Wars analogy. Our toy car driving heroic leader is taking his Play Mobil to pastures new from the beginning of next month. We are considering holding another Donutopia in recognition of his great work. To be held in a post mortem context of course, after he has left.

On the plus side I get to fill a dead mans shoes. So from next month I shall be renaming the line 'Matt's Minions, Abandon all Hope All Ye Who Enter Here (please wipe your feet)'. Also, Andrew was known as 'Red Leader' - I have chosen the nickname 'By The Light of Heaven, Supreme Overmaster Jones'.

Some people appear worried that the power may go to my head, this is silly of course. I will be discussing this kind of dissent with them in private after the transition of power to the new regime and I am sure they will see the error of their ways.

Viv L'emperor!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Non-Denominationally Specific Deity in New Outsourcing Deal......

Breaking News!

After innumerable years of silence, the supreme higher power made a rare statement this week on the controversial issue of genetic engineering.

'Listen guys, you clearly didn't get what I was trying to do here!' said the black, cross-dressing, alcoholic Deity with a history of mental illness in the family. 'I mean, all your religions are all nice and quirky and all, but that wasn't really the point. I mean it was pretty funny for a while, watching all those guys in dresses persecute people - including bizarrely, other guys in dresses! I can only assume it's because the non-clergy had better taste in gowns'.

'Anyway', continued the now dangerously intoxicated Ultimate Power in his native Arabic tongue, 'point is I gave Man free will and self determination right? So what do you think that means my intentions were? Go do your thing Man!'.

'I ain't talkin' 'bout no wars and shit neither OK?' said The Almighty, taking on the demaenor of a 70s Blacksploitation God. 'I mean, seriously, how many times are you going to kill each other in the name of Me? Yes, to a certain degree, it is very flattering. On the other hand, it's also fucking retarded'.

'There are a handful of people who have worked it out. A few good people who have determined the purpose of the human race and discovered the path to true peace, enlightenment and harmonious existance with ones fellow man*. The Squow. That's right! I gave you this freewill because I was just so sick and tired of making new stuff Man! I mean Jesus Christ! not you, fuck off and play with your Lego......excuse me, sorry'. At this point the now very British Deity started beating a hippy looking ponce with a copy of the Daily Mail, in an effort to keep him away from his Werthers Originals.

'So, yeah, where was I? Oh yeah, making stuff. I mean it's all well and good but firstly it ain't that easy keeping shit alive you know? I mean, you think the duck Billed Platypus looks freaky now? You shoulda seen it when it was the Stalkbilled Platypus. It was messy my friend'

'I wanted some freetime, so I hired some consultants and they said the best thing would be to outsource the management of the Earth's creatures so I would be free to indulge in my hobbies of doing fuck all and messin' with people's heads. So I gave gave you guys free will so you'd eventually be able to make your own animals to go off and extinct, save me the effort right? That frees me up to make people do crazy things that amuse me. You rememer Bush said 'God wants me in the Whitehouse'? well I ain't saying his lot got it right but I definitely wanted him there, that guy is a riot. I mean, you can get surgery on your face to make you look better, you can suck the fat out of your body, you can exercise to tone up. You can't fix stupid.'**

'So, look. Go build squows, I'm done with you people. If I didn't want you to do it I wouldn't have allowed it right?'

In parting, the Powah was asked which religion has it right. 'Ah, they've all pretty much got the principles right, it's just the religions are run by morally bankrupt fuckwits so the message goes away. Except for Scientology of course, I mean the Bible and the Quran and the Tora - all pretty far fetched tales in themselves but each to their own, right? But Dianetics? What kind of barely simian retard do you have to be to believe that? I made Ron as a joke, I had no idea so many of you were that stupid though. It's really funny when Scientologists die and come up here, we fuck with their heads for hours Man! hehehe'

'Anyway I gotta go, there's a dude in a cave in Jordan. He's been fasting for his religion........I forget which one..........point is, he is totally unhinged so I am gonna convince him that the way to true redemption is to hop around in a circle while singing 'Hava naguila' for a day.' Asked why he would do such a thing, he responded: 'M'eh! It's an hour'.

*The Term Fellow Man referers, of course, only to worthwhile human beings. Special 'Listening Squads' will determine if Oxygen is actually being wasted. The expected populous of this excluded group is likely to consist of memebers of the BNP (and equivilent wannabe Nazi groups), people who use Patriotism, Religion or some other amoral code to excuse appalling behaviour. Also Big Brother contestants. All of these groups will be used as the new world past time and daily game show 'Strengthen the Gene Pool!'.**

** Being a left winger with violently right wing solutions really confuses people. You should try it, it's funny watching their poor confused faces scrunch up!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

A Friend in Need

It has come to my attention through discussions with Martin that the good people of Holland have no access to Take Away currys. Or indeed Indian cuisine of any nature - static or otherwise. I know, it's shocking.

Well I have been touched by his tale of Woe and Misery and I hope that, in some small way, I can help these poor oppressed people. If I can help Martin, perhaps the word will spread and he can enlighten the poor, hapless Dutch.

Together we can make Holland a better place.

I get ahead of myself. First we need to supply emergency aid to Martin who, as we speak, will be tucking into something that isn't liable to take his face off.....*sob!* ya go buddy! *sniff!*

Matt's Lamb Curry thingy

You need:
450g/1lb potatoes
450g/1lg diced lamb (best off with a decent cut of meat, other wise you could be cooking forever)
1 pintish of boiling water
60ml oil/ghee
1 Large Onion - chop it as finely as you can
around 6 green chillies finely chopped (as many as you like really - unless it's a scotch bonnet, in which case threatening the mixture with it should be enough)
3 tsp Tomato puree
Tin of chopped tomatoes
2tsp turmeric powder
2tsp chilli powder
1tsp garlic powder
1tsp ginger powder
2tsp salt
2tsp garam masala

If you want to be proper you could chop some coriander for decoration afterwards.

OK, that's your ingredients. Go get 'em, I'll wait here.

1) Peel potatoes, cut into bite-size cubes and par-boil them. (that means half cooked to you poor Dutch folk).

2)Heat the oil in a large pan, add the onions and chillis. Stir continuosly until the onion goes brown or until it's soft and you've gotten a bit bored.

3)This is the best bit. Add all of the other ingredients except the water, mix it all together. It's important to have a big grin on your face here, as you see it change a few different colours and release the best smell in the world. Lower the heat and simmer the mixture for about five minutes - stir it once about half way through this time.

4) add the water and simmer for about half hour or so, stir every 5 minutes(ish)

5) Add the potatoes. Simmer for about 20 minutes. The potatoes suck the water right up so if it goes that sludgey take away consistency and the potatoes still aren't cooked just add a little more water and simmer it some more until both the potatoes are cooked and you have achieved sludge.

6) At some point in the proceedings I am hoping you made some rice. Put it on a plate, add curry, grab a pint. Lovely.

Please everyone, write the Dutch. Send them your curry recipes, freeze food parcels for them - do anything you can to help these poor people. Martin is going to be OK, but how many more must suffer before the world takes notice?

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