Monday, March 06, 2006

Evil Minions/Henchpeople/Lackeys Required

Exciting new ventures in Matt Enterprises have created excellent new opportunities in the areas of Henching, Minioning and Lackeying. If you're brusque, easily distracted and/or fooled, a terrible shot with automatic weapons and can talk very loudly to a colleague about confidential information then this could be the job for you!

The roles can involve a plethora of tasks, with enough variety to keep you happily henching for many years(1)! Here are some examples of just a few of the exciting tasks you can look forward to in your new(2) career:

Accidentally revealing the location to the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano to the one person we don't want knowing that information.

Succumbing to arbritrary threats of violence despite appearing to be a hardened professional and revealing the location to the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano to the one person we don't want knowing that information.

Allowing the beautiful temptress of questionable loyalty out of you sight long enough for her to sleep with a highly trained and strikingly obvious Secret Agent and reveal the location to the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano to him.

Fail miserbaly to guard the Big Red Self Destruct button in the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano, thus allowing the dashing and still blindingly obvious secret agent to destroy the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano, whilst making a timely getaway with Temptress of no longer Questionable Loyalty.

Never Question why there is a Big Red Self Destruct button in the Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano.


Of course there are many, many more activities you can look forward to in your new career but enough about the work! What about the benefits? Well we here at Matt Enterprises value our underlings and so provide you with a whole host of benefits and social activities:

All Henchpeople will be provided with a fetching, ill fitting Boiler suit in an inappropriate colour. Most likely this will be some kind of Evil Blue or Orange. In addition to this, bad haircuts, hard hats and unconvincing scowls will be provided

Enjoy shooting? Excellent marksmanship? Well don't worry, we are an equal opportunities employer and at our special shooting ranch we will train you to true henchperson standards! If you can hit the side of a barn whilst you are in it when you leave, we'll poke your eyes out!

We also throw regular 'Meet the Nemesis' parties where we invite the ludicrously obvious Secret Government Agent to infiltrate a private party, drug our henchpeople and steal away with the Beautiful Temptress of Questionable Loyalty and any secret plans we may have brought to the party with us!


So if this sounds like your idea of a dream job, call us now or send a covering letter along with your criminal record to:

Expendable Resources
Top Secret Evil Lair Beneath an Island Volcano
The Island Volcano
Pacific
(If no answer, leave mail with Mrs Jenkins next door)

1 This is not a guarantee of survival. Falling of gangways, accidents feeding mutant sharks/piranha and arbritrary executions by cat stroking CEO may result in early termination of contract.

2 Probably very short.

5 comments:

Olivia said...

Have you have been watching too much Thunderbirds?

Famulus said...

I think that I feel a strange James Bond / Austin Powers connection. Thunderbirds lacked the evil cat stroking man.

[weaklink]I once sat in a cold village hall for several hours to listen to Gerry Anderson tell his life story. Was very interesting. He only did puppets in order to get through to directing real films. Never made the break though... Strange the way fate rolls us around.[/weaklink]

Olivia said...

Oops, did I miss the bit about the evil cat-stroking man?

*checks original post*

Indeed I did.

*tips cap at Famulus*

Paddy Duncan said...

What are the hours?

lunaliar said...

I'd apply, but I'm allergic to manual labor

 
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