Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Dar(win) Wars Episode I - The Bantom Menace

See what I did there? Ok I am back and it looks like some of you have been busy bees! But not wasps because it would appear that they are right out the window! This is only a brief post to fill you in on some other suggestions I have received whilst I was away, from people too bone idle to register and comment!

Most notably from Pete (not Pedr) who considers 53 breeds of Parrot far too many. He reckons we can eliminate them and use the resultant genetic material to make one super parrot that is 8 foot tall, weighs one metric ton and can speak 15 languages. An interesting concept with a lot of merit, however I can already hear all you people wanting the aesthetics and rainbow of colours multiple breeds provide. Well fear not because I am always thinking of you. I'm liking Pete's idea, perhaps we could do a size rethink but that's just a detail. For the colours though it's simple, instead of feathers they have feather coats and a variety of changes. Or we can simply make them chamaelionic? See how easy this is?

I received some resistance for the removal of the Moose from Hannah and Emi but neither appears motivated enough to comment here so not sure the votes count.... (blackmail won't work on them but I really am low enough to try anything to increase the illusion of popularity!). To be fair Emi resisted the removal of any animal for various reasons. She talked about somethings called an 'Ecosystem', 'Biodiversity' and 'evolutionary reliance'. She thinks I'm stupid enough to believe that they are real words! pah! Even if they were, which they're not, the tiny day to day details can be left up to this higher power right? I mean he is meant to be pretty swish with that kind of thing?

Mike suggested horses, as did Emi but both for very different reasons. I am inclined to agree with them because I am not overly fond of them but I did suggest it would be an uphill struggle to lose such a well loved animal. Mike thinks they should go because, and I quote, "What kind of idiot puts something that heavy on such stupid, spindly little legs? Get rid and replace them with one huge leg that they can hop about on!"

Emi has actually thought this through quite a lot "I think there should be some kind of rule relating to a body mass:brain size ratio. Horses are too big for the size of brain they have". This was a strong argument until me and Hannah started discussing ostriches, which have tiny brains. We concluded, at some length, that you could make tiny little ostriches in order to conform to Emi's new rule. At some point we were discussing using tiny ostriches as currency so deiced to abandon the conversation before it got silly.

I think the only other major Noah development from my end was the elimination of all normal squids, leaving us only with giant ones the size of battle ships. Also the reintroduction of dragons. The main reason for this, from my perspective, is to revive an interest in Cartography. Not like Ordnance Survey Maps and stuff but cool maps with 'Here Be Dragons' and stuff written on it!

OK, I'll be reviewing all your comments some time tomorrow soon as I get the spare time. Thanks for all your work, I feel you've all been very productive and thanks to you I feel confident we can look forward to several new species of interesting/amusing/rampantly dangerous animals in the near future! Bye for now.


Olivia said...

What? A hopping horse? Anything you put on its back would then go flying and it would become a really useless animal that would have to be exed.

An 8 foot parrot is a bit much. All that poo would be hell to deal with.

I do like miniature ostriches though.

Famulus said...

Slightly off topic... Do you actually have a Welsh accent then?

Back on topic... Are we allowed to define Scousers as a breed and thus make them extinct here? ;-)

Pete said...

Hi this is pete who had the idea for the eight foot parrot. Yes i appreciate the problems of size and the lack of colour diversity but hear me out and i think you will agree with me. Matts idea of making them chameleonic is nice but i think too risky, for an animal that can fly that can also camoflage itself perfectly against any background, particularly with its aptitude for languages, think of the espionage possibilities! its just to dangerous! with regard to its size there are a lot of parrots out there and we need to use up the excess biomass or else we could be in serious difficulty with excess "animallage", further the bigger they are the fewer there will be so more poo per animal but less poo in general, studies that ive made up have shown that an eight foot parrot will require at least one hundred cubic miles of airspace to call its own, so the poo issue will be minimalised. they could also provide a valuable service to the UN either as translators or as peacekeepers, what genocidal mercenary isnt going to pause when confronted by an eight foot bird speaking, or probably squawking at them in fifteen languages?

Olivia said...

*reads Pete's comment*
*head explodes*

lunaliar said...

"Here be dragons!"

Friggin' priceless, Matt!

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