Monday, May 29, 2006

UK Police recruit Thundercats to fight Organised Crime

I was going to post on this last month when i first noticed the story but it slipped my mind. However, being a responsible grown up I've been spending the day watching 80s cartoon shows from my youth. Purely for the purposes of comparison with modern day shows you understand?

Anyway, Tony Bliar is obsessed with America and also with making Britain more like our transatlantic cousins. Usually this only manifests itself in economic policy and politicking. You know, tax breaks for those hard up multinationals and back handers during election campaigns. Anyway, he's introduced this new thing over here called SOCA (Serious Organised Crime Agency) to, well beat organised crime. I think he just wants British FBI because he's watched all thsoe Hollywood movies where the fibbies are just lap dogs to the incumbant ruler of the day. I think he's hoping that they will merely do his bidding.

If that is the case then he has gone about it the wrong way, there is no way that any kind of evil minion will be attracted to join that force when it has such a burning symbol of truth, justice and freedom as its badge:

I mean, how embarassing? They must be paying employees a small fortune to flash that badge at hardenened criminals? I wonder if the uniform is a dodgy Leotard with the badge in the middle?.....

The UK's new SOCA ready for action to fight all Mumm-ra based organised crime.

In an interent exclusive I can reveal this snapshot of Sir Stephen Lander, chair of the newly formed SOCA. With one such as this in charge the organised criminals best pack up now!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

A Chilli a day......

That's right folks! Chilli peppers are good for you! OK, the whole habanero pepper being the hottest in the world is erroneous but the rest is clearly absolute fact. Go forth and eat spicy!

I already knew that a decent shot of spice could double your resting metabolic rate, thus burning more calories than any silly non-spicy food but all the other health benefits I was unaware of. Surely now is the time to demand curry on the NHS?

Any nay sayers need not respond, you're wrong. And you almost certainly like sugary tea which, as we've discussed before, is the taste of Evil.

Balancing the Universe

I have posted frequently on the immovable object that is The Hoff but have neglected the Unstoppable Force of Chuck Norris of late. In order to restore balance, I shall be giving you a series of Chuck Norris facts over the coming posts.

ADD is not a disease. It's just impossible to focus when you know that Chuck Norris could strike at any moment.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I don't know Art but........

I know a pretentious arsehole when I see one.

See I have a very traditional view of Art. I have a belief that it requires some effort and no small amount of talent to create a great piece of art. Or even a good piece of art in fact. Tracy Emin and her ilk - you know the type 'This pile of bricks represents the struggle of the proletariat hampsters of southern peru against the vile governmentally funded cage producing machine'. These people aren't artists because any brainless, talentless moron could do what they do. Often their response is 'Ah! but no one DID do it did they? they didn't have the vision or the courage to....blahblahblah'. No mate, I've got a job and things to get done and frankly I would feel guilty wasting peoples time and energy making them look at such unmitigated shite.

Honestly, you can actually hear the oxygen being wasted.

Go to Olivia's blog, she has lots of pictures of Art. You can tell it's art because you look at it and think 'Wow. I could never achieve something like that. that took some dedication and pain to produce'. You don't think 'Wow, a foeces covered mattress, that really makes me think about the metaphysical relationship betweeen our own fragile existence and failing to pay the laundry bill'.

I know I'm being harsh and I know with proper treatment some of these deluded idiots that produce this stuff can do something useful or productive with their time. And the people who buy it should have their money given to some kind of charity. After they are slapped across the face.

Ok, so nice opinionated post for you. Matt's back on form hehe! Come on though, you know if evolution was left up to these people we'd all be sat in caves trying to work out if rocks are edible.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Lowering the bar - How to Save Commercial Radio

The EMF have come up with a bold strategy to boost the fortunes of commercial radio stations. Their plan, it would appear, is to piss off as many Radio listeners as they can.

Rather than having a couple of quality popular Radio stations with regulation and quality control, the plan is to sell them off and drag them down into the mire of mediocrity that is commercial Radio. They reckon Radio 1 and Radio 2 will go for a combined sum of 500 million quid, due to the fact that 60% of radio listeners listen to the BBC rather than commercial radio.

OK let me explain why this is. Radio 1, while spending a lot of time playing Pop stuff - you know that popular candy floss music - they also spend a great deal of time and effort breaking new bands. Zane Lowe is a fantastic example of this, if you ever listen to his evening show, even if you hate what he plays you can't deny the originality of it. He plays everything, regardless of genre. He's a bit pretentious but he is happy to play demo tapes mailed in from all over the world if he thinks it's good.

There are several current affairs and special interest programs on Radio 2 which would vanish on commercial Radio in favour of some sponsor friendly crap. The reason no one listens to commercial radio isn't because of unfair competition, or evil market dominance. It's because it is crap. And it has commercials. Which everyone hates.

Lets be realistic, do you think standards would increase across the board if BBC Radio 1 and 2 were privatised, or do you think we would just end up with two more crap Radio Stations that no one listens to because they already have double glzazing, and I'd ratehr have something original to listen to thankyou very much?

Why do people always want to change the BBC? If it ain't broke.............


*PS that's not to mention the many, many live events and sessions that radio 1 and 2 provide every year, including some of the UK's most popular outdoor events.

Friday, May 19, 2006

The Hoff is Back!

That's right folks, he's back where he belongs! On cheap exploitative prime time TV!. I'm so moved by this. Now clearly St. Hoff is in the presence of soulless Evil(Cowell), Slimey Scum(Morgan), and Who?!(Brandy).

I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt here. I'm sure he will out-cuprinol Cowell with his Oaken Tan. He needn't worry about Piers Morgan, even his own mother vomits when he walks into a room. And Brandy? A singer she may claim to be but she will crumble before the might of of one of the greatest, most moving songs ever penned by mortal hand:

Some people stand in the darkness
Afraid to step into the light
Some people need to help somebody
When the edge of surrender's in sight

Don't you worry
It's gonna be alright
Cause I'm always ready
I won't let you out of my sight.

I'll be ready
I'll be ready
Never you fear
No don't you fear
I'll be ready
Forever and always
I'm always here.

In us we all have the power
But sometimes it's so hard to see
And instinct is stronger than reason
It's just human nature to me

Don't you worry
Its gonna be alright
Cause I'm always ready
I won't let you out of my sight.

I'll be ready
I'll be ready
Never you fear
No don’t you fear
I'll be ready
Forever and always
I'm always here.


Cause I'm always ready
I won't let you out of my sight

I'll be ready
I'll be ready
Never you fear
No don't you fear
I'll be ready
Forever and always
I'm always here.

Forever and always
I'm always here.

Ha! Like The Hoff is a mere mortal! He and Chuck Norris bestride the world like multi-talented Collossi! What a great man to appear on this show and bestow his sage wisdom upon these poor wannabe peons! And after he has spoken to Cowell et al, he can do the same for the hapless contestants.

Just think, the mahogany hued Hoff will soon return to the screen. A happy day indeed readers!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Absence, Birthdays and Sod's law

I haven't blogged in a while so i am goign to give you an update on the Life of Matt. you're on the edge of your seat, I can tell!

OK, so May 4th I had arranged a project meal at a nice little italian place in Leatherhead town. I was looking forwards to my Bruschetta (which I generally always have as a starter in Italian places) and Dover Sole. I went to Ceroc class for the first time on Wednesday the 3rd, by the time I got back my throat was doing an impression of a Bullfrog and was sweating like Lee Evans. Lovely thought eh?

So I missed out on free beer and food - for those of you that know me, you know that I was ill if this is the case! Further, I was supposed to go to Hull on Friday. Too ill. Saturday 6th was my birthday, I wasm meant to be at a party in Hull. Instead I spent it in a pool of my own sweat and in considerable pain fromt the throat thing.

It wasn't my favourite birthday ever.

I'm mainly gutted because I didn't get to see an awful lot of people in Hull before they left Uni, especially Hannah. I basically get to see Hannah, Emi and Kirsty, but unlikely all at once again. It's all very sad.

I did go home to Wales at the weekend and saw a bunch of people, including the rents which was good. Got exceptionally drunk and had a lovely meal on Saturday night. then proceeded to get rat arsed with my old friends and wobbled back to Mike's house somewhere around 2 I think

Anywa, that's a quick synopsis of what I have been up to, considering a ceroc class tonight but not sure if I have the energy or inclination, it's not been the best of days thus far.

OK, normal service will be resumed soon, promise no more details of my boring life - ranting switched back on!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Jamie Turner

Hi everyone, another of my rare serious posts here. I got a mail off a close friend of mine, talk about her a lot - Hannah (the rah). So I am leaping into action and blogging. Not much but it's the best I got right now.

If you're a UK resident please go here and sign the petition, I'll put a short explanation as to what it is about from one of the websites set up and from what I know about the situation. Frankly it's disgusting what's happened to this man, from the unprovoked attack to the treatment he has received since. Just bear in mind that this has been going on for a year.

So this is what happened to him, it's not pleasant:

While making his way to watch Manchester United at the St Mary’s Stadium in Southampton on May 15th 2005, Jamie was left unconscious and clinging to his life after a vicious and completely unprovoked attack by a gang wielding weapons believed to be baseball bats, metal bars and chair legs. Jamie’s skull was broken in two, and he suffered a pooling of blood in the brain needing emergency brain surgery, which left him in a coma, from which he did not awake for almost three weeks. His stay in hospital lasted over two months, and in that time he underwent a number of serious surgical procedures, including a craniotomy and a tracheotomy. He has been left with poor visibility in his left eye, constantly suffers from intense headaches and extreme fatigue, has cognitive difficulties and faces yet further operations on his long road to recovery.

Jamie also had to regain the use of his arms and legs once out of the coma. Sadly, this isn't the whole story. Jamie had to have a large part of his skull removed in order to facilitate recovery. A piece of skull they are supposed to replace within 3-6 months. Just take a look at the date now. Telford & Wrekin Primary Care Trust are refusing to speed up the operation date and keep bumping the operation further back because it 'isn't life threatening'. You'll see from the petition site that there have been 2 near misses already. Any knock or bump in the affected area could cause permanent brain damage or death. Anyway, this isn't an appeal for money or anything just please go sign the petition and get your UK resident friends to do the same, 2 minutes of your time.

The petition is Here
For more information go Here

Cheers folks

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Lurgy Attack

So it's my birthday today. For I'm, apparently, a jolly good fellow.

I've been really ill the last few days so I've missed out on a project meal at work, that I organised. Free beer. Free Food. I'm still in mourning.

I was also supposed to go to Hull to see Emi, Hannah and Kirsty. The last time I would likely see all 3 together as 2 of them leave University this year. I was also going to visit Astrid before her jaunt to Thailand.

So understandably I am more than a little miffed that I am stuck in my flat, on my own insterad of off visiting people I haven't seen in ages. Face like a smacked arse doesn't cover it I can assure you.

Anyway, I checked my gmail account and was immediately cheered up:

Happy Birthday Matthew, 29 today!
On this, most brilliant, 6th day of May
I'd have bought you a present or sent you a card
But I'm silly and lazy and forgot - retard!

So I've penned this little ditty for you
I'm sorry it's no Daisy and doesn't go moo!
But all that you get is just this one thing
Some words from Pedro, the Latin Love king.

Matt's learning salsa, he ain't no fool
Cos soon he might be a latin love God too
By girating his hips and being all buff
Pedro's competition could start to get tough!

But poor Matt's got the lurgy and is quite unwell
Missed out on curry and a visit to Hell
Things don't look great for our birthday man
But it could be worse, he could be a Pie fan!

Still next week will soon be here
And back to Ruthin you shall come for beer
Drinking and eating and just talking crap
And we can celebrate - Happy Birthday Matt!

Cheers Pedr, a legend amongst men - bestriding the poetic world like some literary colossus.


It's Ceroc I have taken up ;)

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

So Long and thanks for all the fish......

Towel Day :: A tribute to Douglas Adams (1952-2001)

I can't be bothered fiddling with the format of the page or this banner so i will post weekly reminders. Go Towel day!

[Edit] OK so maybe I can be bothered, it looked silly and now it fits. I may put it in the side bar when I can be bothered! [/Edit]

Monday, May 01, 2006

Terror Alert Indicator

Thanks to Oswyn for my new Terror Alert indicator. I lifted it from his site like a Cyber version of Winoner "Five finger discount" Ryder. Go me!

I just feel it is my responsibility to help alert the rest of the world about the terror status of the USA. So here it is, and it is on my side bar too. The current terror alert is:

Terror Alert Level

Go check out his blog he has some very enlightened views on football and in particular the use of the word Soccer.

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