Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Matt Jones: International Party Animal

'What did you do over the gorgeous bank holiday weekend Matt?'. It's an interesting question. One with an embarassing and decidedly middle aged answer. I put together a desk for my computer, watched DVDs and ironed everything that I own. Everything. I was that bored. Actually I tell a lie, the one thing I didnt iron I chose to wear to work to day, probably some subconscious effort not to ruin all my good work.

Lets face it, it isn't an answer that's likely to encapture an audience. It's kind of like after the second world war when dads were asked 'What did you do in the War daddy?' and one or two of these unfortunate souls were trying to figure out a way of putting a heroic gloss on the fact that they'd spent most of the time in the smallest room with an embarassing bowel problem, which kept them from the arguably more important work of defeating fascism in mainland Europe.

Alright, it's not that extreme but it's hardly adding to my air of mystery now is it? It is, however, an interesting paradox. Lets say I did go out over the weekend and got on famously with one of the many international female super models I was chatting up and took her back to the flat. She would have been confronted with an unconstructed desk, a computer on the floor and unsightly wrinkles in all my shirts! Surely enough to put her off a relationship that otherwise was destined to last until the stars burnt out?

So it was forward planning then, yeah that's it. It's thin, transparent and bordering on collapse as far as reasons go but it'll do!

So. The Gym. I did go, debit card in hand, ready to become a sculpted Adonis. They wouldn't let me join though. I have a very small problem with one of my shoulders and they won't let me sign up until the doctor says it's OK, which means I have to register with a local quack now. Here's logic for you though. I say 'It's fine so long as I don't do any lateral lifts'. Gym woman 'We still need a doctors note I'm afraid. You can still sign up but you can't use the gym'.

So I'm allowed to use the pool and steam room right? That's the pool. Where you swim. With your arms.
Not the gym. With the treadmill, crosstrainers and exercise bikes and step machines. You know. The leg ones.

Doc only opens early on a Friday so have to regsiter this week, then go lie to him next week. Anyway, back down the salt mines now.

Friday, August 26, 2005

This doesn't count

Forgot to mention, I ended up in the pub last night but it's OK because it's not the weekend so technically I am still holding firm so there!

My Aunty lives in Scotland, she says it's quite nice...

I really need to learn to add up, I feel it could become an important life skill. Let me explain what I mean here. I am not going to Hull this weekend in order to save some money by not going out. Instead I am going to join a gym. the other thing I was thinking of doing this month was sorting a car out but have postponed that again until next month. So, I figure I'd get the internet sorted at my flat. I've held back on this becuase the flatmate isn't interested in a phone line or getting the internet so I'd have to bear the cost. So i thought 'sod it!' and got the phone connected and ordered broadband from the surly chaps at Demon.

Then I thought as I am going to be using my PC again, I'd better get something to put it on instead of leaving it on the floor. So I ordered a desk. Then a phone. And some extension cable. And and ironing board (essential for internet??!). And we all know that USB ADSL modems suck big fat ass so i also ordered a 4 port ADSL Modem/Router.

You see how my mind works? If only they sold willpower online! damnit! To be fair, it is all stuff I needed or would need in the next month or two but you always feel so guilty when you blow a wedge in one go. So I'll be all up on the fangled interweb in the flat in the next 10 days hopefully but I'll try not to overdo the blog, I appreciate you people don't have quite the lack of outdoor activity in your lives that I am displaying.

Oh, the title is mainly referring to the fact that the poor despondent and probably ginger Socts aren't getting a bank holiday this weekend, poor Heathens! and also an obscure reference that i challenge anyone other than Mike to get. ;)

I know at least a few of my friends are reading my ramblings so leave comments you Idol toerags! Perpetuate my misguided delusion of granduer and make me feel popular! do it or I publish the photos. you know the ones.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Matts Musical Medley

It's approaching the end of the day so have decided to inflict my opinion on you. This is specifically aimed at my occasional American reader! I don't know what kind of exposure some British bands get out there so I am going to helpfully supply you with a list of current cool Brit bands in the hope of spreading their awesomeness even further.

Kaier Chiefs - probably heard of these, they are up for the Mercury award this year, hot favorites. Awesome album.
The Zutons. Great band.
James Blunt

These are all pretty massive bands (or singers as in the last case) so I imagine that you would have at least heard of them by now and I am just being patronising, but its what I do best so what you going to do? Got a whole host of others I have decided everyone should listen to, but realised I am probably preaching to the converted given I know most of the people who read this thing! Think this is the dictionary definition of Killing Time (excellent metallica cover).

If you haven't heard of any or all of the above, then this post does in fact serve a purpose especially as the Chiefs are off touring the US at some point (may already be there).

Anyway, that's enough stating the blindingly obvious for me, i'm off.

PS - Marmite is the food of the future, you can't tell if it's off or not.

Matts Kryptonite?

Here's a quick straw poll for you. Lets say you are determined not to go out at the weekend, but would rather stay in, weaving wicker baskets or breeding ferrets or something equally exciting. Then someone says 'Hey [insert name here]! fancy coming to [insert drinking venue] on Satuurday?'. Do you

a) Ponder the subject, decide to go out for a few to socialise and put off your wicker ferret fixation until Sunday

b) turn down their kind offer, citing financial, wicker and rodent reasons.


c) Say 'sure, sounds great' every single time you are asked before your brain has had time to engage and scream 'whoah there!' while sputtering out the remains of its coffee and hobnobs. Even when this means triple booking a day?

I'm a c) kinda guy. It's becoming a problem. I think I have spent one full weekend in my flat since I moved in in June. Technically, we could rent it out at weekends and save some cash! hmmmm......

OK so it's a bank hoilday weekend and I have a plan. I am no longer going back up to Hull, I am joining the Gym and I am going to become uber buff. Then on Saturday afternoon (with my new 6 pack and rippling biceps) I am going to find something to occupy myself that will keep me away from Guildford or Central London. Or any other ludicrously expensive Venue for that matter!

I just have to make it 48 hours without agreeing to anything...........

Back down the Salt mines

Back in Surrey now, had a good time in Hull but didn't get to see my old housemates which was a pain. Thast the problem with only taking a few days and having it over a period of someones birthday, it's all to easy to neglect peopel. Having said that, most people are happy to be ignored by me so it's entirely possible they actually like me more as a result! ;-)

One of Hannahs presents has arrived in my office and once again I have an overwhelming urge to keep it for my very own! However, diminuitive as she is, she's a biter. Dangerous when provoked. Or, as I found out over the weekend, when hungry. Dangerous in general actually. The word feral could be applied by someone who didn't appreciate the fact that he needs his skin to keep his insides in. Luckily I am not such a man and would only describe her as calm and lovely and thoroughly deserving of presents, despite pie/manky tendencies.

I think my exam went quite well, though I should probably keep my gob shut until the results are in! Thanks to Dave for giving me some help on the Monday on the Netmask and subnet stuff, brain wasn't working quite properly!

Anyway better go, got stuff to do at work and better do that before I carry on here ;)

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Benefits of a University education

Ok, either I read the portal wrong or they've changed the time of my exam. It's not until this afternoon apparently, though I distinctily remember being quite put out by a morning exam! grr! Also my phone died and my charger is in Surrey. All of this is quite a large problem because it may mean me not getting back to Surrey tonight and I cancelled tomorrows day off in order to carry on with the work I started last week.

May have to call them later, though it will sound like the lamest skive in Christendom. Will check the trains and whine more later!

On the plus side I've had a good weekend visiting friends and am now over my inexplicably pissy mood I was in yesterday, they've all buggered off now of course so if I am having another night in Hull it's probably going to be me and the God-awful book I am reading. Don't get me wrong I don't normally read total garbage, but in the absence of anything good I'd read the back of the kitchen cleaning products. Trust me folks, I know Outbreak was a good film but Robin Cooks novels suck donkey balls. All his good guys are sickeningly good, all his bad guys are so unlikeable it's a wonder they weren't drowned at birth! So you find comedy where you can. In my case I couldn't help but laugh at the fact, in the novel I just read, the heroic and dashing hero's didn't actually save the day - they got locked in a cellar while the baddies cocked it all up! lol!

Anyway, off to take advantage of more revision time.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Revison of the Revision post

I should explain. Because I am relatively inept, I have a resit to take at University so even though I have been gainfully employed since June I don't get my degree until I pass this resit. After I pass the resit, I get a Desmond then can drink the bottle of Irish I bought for me and my dad to drink on my graduation. It's approaching 16 years old, it was 12 when I bought it from the distillery. Don't know if I should let him drink it to be honest, he keeps insisting that Jack Daniels is a whiskey and that it doesn't taste like pipe cleaner when not mixed with something. Now I do drink JD but I have it with a mixer because if I'm drinking whiskey straight, I'd rather it didn't take my face off and leave me looking like I'm the lead entrant in an international gurning competition. Quirky I know, but I like my whiskey to leave my throat lining intact.

I have a quandry as to the source of the curry I intend eating later. My usual supplier let me down in terms of quality the last few times and I'm reluctant to give them the opportunity to further jade my visit, but there isn't a huge amount of choice in the matter. Cast your votes, Last Viceroy or the Raj Pavillion? either way, I'll be visiting those fine folks at the Fetcham Tandoori tomorrow evening as they make stunningly good food.

I have to go, meeting Emi and boy for lunch.


I have an exam first thing tomorrow, just left Emerald and Hannah to come to University to revise. It isn't going well, I'm feeling somewhat out of sorts and can't get my head to work right now. Feeling inexplicably pissed off at the moment and have done for a little while, I've been trying to put my finger on it and I've shortlisted a few possibilities:

1)It's been over a week since I last had a curry.
2)I haven't seen these guys in ages, and don't know when I will again.
3)It's been over a week since I las had a curry.

I'm guessing option 2. It's difficult to catch up with people in a day, especially when everyone else around you is trying to catch up with them too, you end up realising you're going back to where ever you've come up from having barely said anything to the people you came to see in the first place. Similar thing happened when I went to Wales but it wasn't so bad because I have solid plans to see my friends from there again. Pedro Ramirez, international lover, will be visiting Surrey in the very near future so that's all good.

Just in case it is a combination of 1 and 3 I'll be rectifying that situation later this evening. It's just a shame that I won't have the magnificent scores of Harry Robertson to ease my mood. If only I had Hawk the Slayer with me!

Friday, August 19, 2005

Trains and the Donny Rosetta stone.......

I have to be up early tomorrow in order to catch the 3rd world cattle Wagon GNER laughingly call a train from Kings Cross to Hull. Despite this a chap also called Matt Jones is leaving our illustrious company so a few of us are going for a little libation after work (already had the obligatory extended lunch). For now we will refer to him as Matt Jones (Beta) as he isn't as good as me and is clearly full of flaws. :-D Despite my resolve I will probably at least try to persuade Rob to stop until last orders, packing at the last minute and suffering on the journey.

My primary complaints, then, about GNER trains and the implementation of 'fuzzy logic' in their operation and timetabling.

1) The inclusion of 7 first class carriages, while showing an optimism uncommon to the British people, is somewhat misguided as the price of a first class ticket usually involves the surrender of at least one vital organ and your first born child.

2)The rest of the train appears to be aired using a fragrance called 'eau de stale sweat and vomit'.

3) There is one unreserved carriage. This means that should the rest of the train (barring, of course, first class) be full - thus indicating a demand for standard class tickets - then the other 400 people who want to use the service, but are unwilling to submit to a lifetime of poverty by buying a 1st class ticket, are forced into the tiny space provided. Think Veal calves, you'll be close enough.


Ok, I'll elaborate the Doncaster comment. I lived in Hull for nearly four years and in that time never once, ever, caught a train that arrived or left Doncaster on time. When your train eventually arrives you are left in the desolate shed of a station with only a vague perception of if or when the next train will arrive. They have timetables like everyone else but take a somewhat unique view of them.

Much like mystic oracles and seers, they are only accurate if you interpret the messages in the correct way, a method no one has yet discovered. There is talk of an item that is the Doncaster Train timetable equivalent to the Rosetta stone. This will reputedly translate the printed lies into something with a degree of accuracy, though I think this is just a folk tale designed to give hapless travellers hope. As you sit on the metal bench staring at the sign which shows further and further delays on the phantom connection you are awaiting, you can actually feel your will to live slipping away like sand through an hour glass.......

ahem. So I'm looking forward immensely to the trip. Unless I can get the direct Hull train and avoid donny of course, then this rant will be utterly pointless.

I'm nothing if not consistent.


Damnit! Ended up going for a pint withj my flatmate last night and by the time we got back I was too knackered to get a curry. Pretty sure the take away had closed too. Ag well, I'll get one tomorrow night in 'Ull. Right, I'm going to go do some work, will post at lunch time when I've found something to whine about.....

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Working late?!......

Wow. I been out the door 5:30pm on the button pretty much every night since i joined, now here I am at gone 6pm! Maybe I'm a workaholic? Maybe I'm going to have a heart attack by the age of thirty! maybe my stress levels are going through the roof and I need Therapy? (heehee, couldn't resist rich!).

Course it's entirely possible that I'm feeling pleased that I've got some interesting stuff to do and I'm feeling enthusiastic about it. Maybe i should lie down until the feeling goes away......


I skipped lunch. Under European human rights legislations, I'm legally bound to buy myself a curry for my dinner.


Virus Alert......

Ok. I work for an IT firm. A fairly major one, and don't get me wrong we are very good at what we do. Unfortunately, like any large organsiation things slip through the cracks. Looking at our intranet today we were treated with a big important message which said 'VIRUS ALERT! DO NOT IGNORE......'. Dutifully, we did not ignore and clicked the link for further information on this undoubtedly dangerous infection
there is a virus in circulation, make sure your virus software is up to date. Was pretty much the message. Well, thanks for that - appreciated really, but could probably have figured that out by myself. What I'd really like is - what virus? what systems does it affect, how do I update the antivirus software on the works system etc.........

Still they did update the page to provide one or two extra details, how to update and the like. I can already hear the marketing defense 'Our warning message was delibarately designed to encourage colleagues to act with initiative, think outside the box and provide a value-added synergistic solution that increases client focus while maintaining employee morale driven workflow procedures'

I haven't been here long, so as such haven't had a huge amount to do, though my work load has been steadily increasing. I've been put on some interesting stuff this week though so have been quite busy, unforunately this particular task runs through to next Wednesday. I am off the beginning of next week, unavoidably but I am actaully still at the stage where I would cancel my holidays if I felt I was needed here (provided it wasn't like a proper going away thing obviously!) so have cancelled Wednesday, but Monday and Tuesday are totally unavoidable. How dedicated am I? cancelling a day off as though it were a totally arbitrary matter! Give that man a pay rise!

Yes, my life really is so full that I am cancelling a day off to come into work.

We get staff managers here, people who kind of guide our careers allegedly. Mine is a nice enough chap, he's new to the role though. When all the other grads met their SMs for the first time they got taken to lunch. I saw him for a bit that day then he had to go off to a client site, I was left with my limp butties! Seen him a few times since but he's pretty busy client side so pretty much been left to my own devices. Until today that is, we are having my first review in a few weeks and I have been instructed to book a meeting in the morning so we can lunch immediately after. I am quite pleased about the situation to be honest, he only gets in touch when he needs to and he's pretty helpful when he does.

Yes I'm cheap and yes I will be ordering the steak/lobster/caviar/foi gras combo meal. Come on, a boys go to eat.

Oooooh. This is my first real work related post. Don't worry i'll keep them to a minimum, or at the very least start pretending I am an international spy/stuntman/paraglider/kungfu master in order to keep up the lightning pace and thrill packed content of my posts that you will, no doubt, have become accustomed too.

My grammar appears to be sufferign today so i'm going to go do some more work related activities......

Thought for the day: If Britain suddenly bumped into mainland Europe and became part of it, would this be enough for us to acknowledge its existence or would we continue to whistle, look away and pretend it isn't there?

Definition of Irony......

I don't believe it. On my previous post about spam, I received spam in the comments. Either it's a genuine coincidence or someone is a comedy genius. Unfortunately my lack of faith in the human race edges me toward the former.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I'm not alone....

My Colleague Nim just sent me this. Apparrently he sent it to his entire university, including lecturers which earned him a 1 month email ban. I think it was worth it don't you?

Hello, my name is *[insert_name_here]*. I am suffering from rare and
deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams and fear of being
kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution. I also suffer from the
guilt of not forwarding 50 billion f***ing chain letters sent to me
by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor
6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be
able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck
parents sell her to a travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe
that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send
"his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? "Ooooh, looky here! If I
scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy
model in the magazine!" What a bunch of bulls**t.

Basically, this message is a big F*** YOU to all the people out there
who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail
forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my
apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that
was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget
pilgrims on the Mayflower and which, if it makes it to the year 2000,
will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous
streak of blatant stupidity. Sod them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about
90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think
about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these
forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on. Don't p*** people off by making them feel
guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a
dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents
per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning
your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

I particularly enjoyed the comment about the leper in Botswana. :-D

And breathe......

I'm in a less vitriolic mood today, so unless Bleurgh or Dubyahs cadre do anything to piss me off, we should be back to my famously sunny disposition. By Sunny I am obviously referring to the fact that the Sun is a churning, raging burning entity.

Just briefly referring to yesterdays post, a wise man once said to me 'Leave them alone, everyone is entitled to their opinion..................even if they are a fucking idiot' That pretty much sums it up :)

Off back to Hull at the weekend for my friend Emi's birthday, just had her presents arrive here and am giving serious though to keeping them. It is afterall the thought that counts, and i have thought about and even purchased the presents so technically I'm ahead of the game. On the other hand I've gotten used to my internal organs being in the positions they are in. The very phrase 'Internal organs' implies that they are meant to be kept on the inside, and the chances of that remaining the case would be severely detrimented if I were to lift her gifts. Ok so she gets her presents, purely for health reasons.

Got another mate in Hull called Astrid, it's quite disconcerting. I keep hailing her on MSN and have sent her an email or two but she appears to only be able to communicate via chain e-mail. You know the type, "Send this to everyone in your address book in ten minutes or your legs will fall off!" or "If you don't send this to all your friends, you're a sad lonely loser!". To be fair to her, they all very nice emails telling me how great I am so that's OK.

The ones I really hate are the "If you send this to everyone in your address book it will eventually circle the world and world poverty will be cured! Also Tiny Tim will walk again and the blind will see! If you Don't send it, you are the bringer of the apocalypse, a heartless souless creature born of darkness, doomed to have your bits fall off!" type. I mean really, what kind of vaccuous retard sits down and thinks that shit up? How worthless an existence would you need to be leading in order to try to validate yourself in that way? I can envision them now, you all know the type. They are the kind of people who, when they speak, you can actually hear the oxygen being wasted.

I also had a 'Virus Warning' one off another mate in Hull. It was filled with gaping technical holes (look, I'm a fucking geek ok?) and was clearly a hoax. I sent him a mail breaking down the thing so he could spot future hoaxes and tell whoever sent it to him to get stuffed. I have a feeling I may have offended him though because I havent heard from him since. I can be a little caustic on occasion I guess......... (this is where you all go, 'No Matt! you're just misunderstood!')

This brings me neatly on to CoolWebSearch, a most insidious bit of Trojan Horse software . Almost impossible to get rid of and implicated in several identity fraud cases. If you have this, it may be possible to get rid but it's very difficult. Personally I think spammers of this variety, ie those that make money from it, need to be dealt with harshly. Because it's an international thing, it's difficult to legislate against, but for those less keyed up on spyware etc. let me give you a brief overview of what happens. You go to some website, say a shopping site you haven't heard of but decide to give a bash. Something like CWS is resident there and installs itself on your PC, then goes about it's business sending your browsing habits and, in the case of CWS, records key strokes, potentially revealing passwords etc.

Now to me, that's a clear case of invasion of privacy and property damage. It's your PC and you haven't given them permission to put their shit on it! So, Matts solution? Easy - first give em a good kicking, shouldn't take long they'll be pasty little parasites with no friends so no one will care. Then lock them in a room and make them read every piece of spam that internet trackers can find. If they fail to read one, give em a little shock. Then have them order every piece of crap advertised by that spam til they run out of cash.

OK, maybe a little extreme but they shouldn't annoy me should they?

Possibly I was wrong about todays vitriol content..........

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Things wot I ave found....

You can always count on Americans to provide you with unintentional entertainment. Particularly the White Christian Extremist variety. They appear to be the only people on earth who are given lobotomies for their 14th birthdays.

They have a journalistic population with all the professioanl integrity of Robert Maxwell who basically read scripts prepared by the Oval Office. They have the most spherical population on the planet. Their peon of a president has the economy in the largest defecit in the nations history and approximately 1/3 of their constitution has been crossed out with one of Dubyahs Crayola Crayons.

And this is what they are worried about. If you liked the artical, buy the film!

This stuff cracks me up it really does! I've been accused of being anti-christian - I'm not. I'm anti stupid arsehole . I'm anti Gutless moron and I'm anti vaccuous tosspot. The problem is, the majority of fear mongering, bigoted or just plain stupid articals I've read are penned by alleged Christians, twisting passages out their book to suit their own agenda as opposed to following the overriding message of their own faith.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are good Christians out there. I've met some, even lived with one at Uni so I know they don't all fit into this category and are generally nice people. The worrying thing is that it appears most of the powerful ones aren't.

Thats the first rant over with, I'll probably change my mind tomorrow.

Some good insults..

Here I have collected some of my favorite insults that I've collected over the years. Sometimes it's a case of 'you had to be there' as they may be specific to certain situations, but I don't care because the amused me. I've credited other people where I can, feel free to hurl them about with wild abandon - it's a surefire way to popualrity! I've provided some example statements so that you can see the responses in context. Aren't I helpful?

'Hi Matt, would like to listen to the new Backstreet Boys Album?'
I'd rather eat my own spleen

"After all, Europe is America's closest ally."
If your IQ were any lower, you'd need watering.[New Statesman]

"We need to apply 21st-century information technology to the health care field. We need to have our medical records put on the I.T."
You have the mental agility of a sea cucumber [Bill Bailey]

Upon first seeing one of my brothers 'going out' shirts
That looks like a Porn Stars dressing gown

[Insert pathetic old and tired joke about sheep shaggers]
That's nearly as funny as your face

They don't look that good in hindsight, but I do tend to overuse phrases. When I start caring, I'll let you know.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Back from the Wild

That's right you lucky people! I'm back and in one piece, although all did not entirely go to plan. Firstly I have to name and shame my friend Mike. Here's what happened:

I got to chester at around 9:45pm, my dad picks me up. I proceed to attempt to contact Mike, to let him know I am on the way and for him to order the curries so I can pick them up. Now I know what you are thinking 'Why not order them yourself?' . Well basically it's embarrassing ordering Phaals, if he wants one he can order it himself!

OK so I dont get an answer so end up having to order the curries myself anyway, and am having an awful premonition. I get back to Ruthin, dad drops me at Mikes house. There are lights on upstairs bu no answer to phone or door, luckily the back door was open. To cut a long story short, he got pissed after work and slipped into a coma afetr getting back in - quite an impressive feat considering it was only about 3 hours in the pub! That's right folks, I travel 5 hours to see the guy, buy the curries and he is so moved by the dedication of his friend he gets shit faced and collapses on his bed! It's nice to be so highly regarded.

The rest of the evening went off OK, once he'd come round we proceded to watch Hawk The Slayer followed by Krull. Now if you watch these films, you may think that Krull is the better of the two because it has fairly famous people in it and has higher production values. If you do think this, you're wrong so change your mind now you bloody simpleton! The reasons for your wrongness are fourfold:
1)The side kicks in Krull are rubbish, with the possible exception of Ergo.
2)It doesn't pay homage to(nick stuff from) other films nearly as blatantly as Hawk does.
3)Nothing happens in Krull, ever.
4)Most importantly, the score for Hawk the Slayer is one of the finest pieces of modern composition ever to to play on the silver screen. The moving syntesiser tune in the death scenes, the thrilling syntesiser tune in the chase scenes, the eerie syntesiser tune in the highly original Mexican Stand off scenes, the fast paced 'travelling somewhere with a purpose' syntesiser tune - the list goes on! You must own this film.

So that was my Friday, 5 hours travel, buying a curry for one of my best mates who was so appreciative he fell unconscious with gratitude, and watching high brow cinematic releases. I'll tell you about Saturday a bit later. I can tell you are waiting with baited breath so I'll try niot to wait oo long ;)

The Venue

Spent day watching Garth Marenghi's Dark Place and eating Chilli round Mikes house. Had a brief aside when I went to the hairdressers and a visit to the parents where my mum updated me on the life and times of our entire extended family, without any apparrent need for respiration, for about an hour. She occasionally paused to announce some perceived iniquity of my dad before continuing the saga of 'You Remember Your Cousin Chris? The One Who Went Out With That Mary Girl? You Know The One! Her Mum Died In That Freak Blue Rinse Accident In Llanfair.....'

you get the picture.

Incidentally, Garth Marenghi is hilarious, watch it if at all possible, buy it when the DVD comes out and behold the genius acting abilities of Dean Learner.

Later that day........

I admit it, I wasn't really looking forward to The Venue. The only reason I'd agreed to go is because me and my other best mate Pete hadn't had a night out in the last few months. That and the fact I was a little drunk when I agreed to go. I say a little drunk, what I mean is I didn't have to hang on to the floor to stop myself falling off.

So we had a few drinks in the Wine Vaults, me my friends Matt Lewis, Pete and my brother Waffle and his Fiance Cathryn. Was good fun, had a bit of a chat, baited a Wigan fan (also know as Pie Eaters) - all in all everything you need from a night out. Was actually mildly disappointed in The Venue, it's not nearly as skanky as it used to be. The floor is moderately clean, there are seats that are equally unsticky and no one started a fight with me. It was all very disconcerting. All in all I had a great night, caught up with a load of people I hadn't seen in a while, updated a few phone numbers and got some new ones so may even return to the place next month!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the unnamed benefactor who bought me lots of drinks that evening it must have cost (someone) a bloody fortune! lol!

Pretty sure that I slipped into a coma sometime after getting back to Mikes, but I had been drinking so I probably sent some random text messages to some very confused people before doing so. If you were one of the lucky winners of the Matt Drunken Text Lottery for Saturdays Draw get in touch now and you could win a fabulous* prize!

So that's pretty much it for Saturday, not got anything bad to report although my view is probably coloured by the fact that I havent been home and on a night out i so long! So maybe I'll not go next time!

Watch this space for future exciting episodes in the life of Matt! Failing that i'll just make something up.

*From The Mad Monk Al 'Mad As a Brush' McTavish MauMau/English Dictionary: Faboo-louse
1:An Absence of substance
2:Fungal growth common to cheese.

Friday, August 12, 2005

From the Wilderness to the Wild.....

In a couple of hours I'll be heading back to my native Wales to enjoy a quiet social with some old friends. In a drunken stupour I foolishly agreed to attend our local 'Night Club'. Click the link and you'll see why I use the term loosely! It's not as bad as theese people say but to be fair I haven't been for about 5 years so am in no real position to comment. However, lack of knowledge has never stopped me forming an opinion before so I shan't let it stop me now!

I'm getting ahead of myself, my trip to the Venue isn't until tomorrow night, so much more to look forward to before that particular delight! Nice 4 hour train journey after work to chester before a drive home, arriving at around eleven! Nice. Luckily complex entertainment plans have been formed. Myself and my good friend Mike have combined our towering intellects to come up with an itinerary a Monarch would be jealous of! Granted the monarch in question would need a penchant for curry, Stella and low quality movies made with a budget of 37p and a bit of used string.

Right I am off to do some more work related tasks, coffee doesn't make itself you know!

In The Beginning


Ok, until I learn where to put my profile I will fill in a little bit about me here. See if you can spot the porkies from the truth......

My name is Mat and I'm 28 years old. I am a 6'2" olive skinned Adonis, adored by all who meet me. Women love me, men want to be me.

Spot the deliberate lie? That's right! You spell Matt with two 'T's!

OK, now the first crap joke is out of the way, those of you that don't already know me are well prepared for the kind of rubbish I am going to write and have ample opportunity to go find something worthwhile to read. Those of you that do know me, you really should know better.

Right, so I'm Matt, 28 that much is true. Adonus is one word that could be used to describe me, a wrong word, but a word nonetheless. I'm actually a medium sized IT serf, that's pretty much all the detail I am going to give on my job otherwise your eyes will begin to glaze over and the drool will ruin your shirt.

I'll upload some pictures when I get the hang of things (never said I was a GOOD IT serf!lol!) and have a bit more time. Anyway, that's the first post out of the way. I'll post fairly infrequently and quite probably the posts will bear little in common, but variety is the spice of life and so forth! The randomness does increase the chance of me writing something interesting, so every cloud........

*Assume another dozen or so tired and worn cliches here, saves me typing them and you reading them*

Tune in soon for another thrilling* installment of Matt's Blog!

*Definition of Thrilling taken from the little known translation of the South American MauMau Pigmy word 'Thrii-leeng' , composed by the Mad Monk , Al 'Mad Sadist McMad' McTavish. Thri-leeng: - 1. Gut wrenching projectile expulsion of stomach contents in order to distract ones quarry.
2. A small nut.

/* -----------GOOGLE ANALYTICS TRACKING CODE-------------- */ /*------------------END TRACKING CODE-------------------- */