Friday, October 28, 2005

Interruption of your regular programming..

I'm off up to Hull again this evening for the Halloween weekend. I have a party tomorrow and I've been promised Sunday lunch round Emi's parents house too so that is looking really good. The party should be awesome, lots of people I haven't seen in an absolute age so really looking forward to it.

I am going to make the most of this visit as I'm not sure when I'll be able to go up again. Certainly before Christmas but everyone has exams and coursework towards the end of term, so scheduling becomes more important. That's not to say that I am not going to accept visitors myself of course, but as the end of term approaches the chances of that happening reduce for much the same reasons.

Also I really should visit the parents and my other friends back home in Wales as I'm pretty sure my mum has put my face on the side of Milk cartons due to my extended absence!

I am visiting Mike on the weekend of the 11th for a few evenings of Art House Cinema, fine Cuisine and Gourmet beverages.

That's crap films, curry and Stella to you lot.

That'll be good fun, I haven't seen Mike in a good while, it's difficult for him to come to see me as he has a bird of prey called Sparky to look after, he can't really be left on his own for 3 days. The Bird, not Mike. Although that is debatable given his attempts at cooking this week.

Then there is Pete's birthday at the end of November so will be heading back for drunken revelry then too.

I have no idea why I am giving you my social calender, looks like another brain-dump post to me but you got to take the wheat witht the chaff people, so hang in there!

So basically I am booked up to Christmas, if you drop in unspecified Hull trips anyway (you know I can't bloody stay away!).

I think I know why I am giving you my social calender now, it's a thinly veiled attempt to appear popular and wanted. Still. Works for me! I'll be back and posting on Sunday or Monday.

Changed my quote to this, I quite liked it - sorry it's not funny, normal service will be resumed next week:

~Don't try to reason with your heart~
~or feel with your mind~
~for just as the heart knows no logic~
~the mind can't lead you to your soul.~

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Man Genes

I've never been much for DIY, I've always been very comfortable with my abject incompetence at manual labour. Why then have I begun to only order things that require construction? And how is it that I am putting them together competently, even though the instructions 'Recommend' two people?

The only solution is that my natural Man DIY Genes, previously dormant are awakening as I approach an age where I should, by rights, have a garden shed and 'jobs around the house' at weekends. All things considered, this is no bad thing, and my imminently arriving PC bits will test my ability with things electrical. Should that go well, I may start building things more and may even buy a power tool of some description so I can make the prerequisite noise that precedes the production of any worthwhile Masterpiece.

As I will be blogging much of the PC construction, I've been given an idea to make it more entertaining for you. I'll hopefully be recruiting some help for the construction process, pictures of the team and their efforts will be published as my shiny new toy is constructed. As soon as I find out where the idea came from, I will credit it to them I promise!

Moving on. My Mother is insisting on paying me for the PC I'll be giving her. She isn't buying the Christmas present line, nor is she swallowing the 'What ever you give me I will spend on your Christmas present' manoeuvre. She's a lovely woman but a pain the arse sometimes! I mean, yes I could keep the thing and tinker with it. Yes, I could use it for a whole host of Geek related activities that would put you to sleep the second I opened with 'What I could do is........'. The point, though, is that she wants a computer to potter around on and I will soon have one going spare (With a few bits missing that I will be cannibilising for the new machine).

So. I have a plan. First, I will lie about said computers relative worth. Second, the funds will be cunningly funneled back to the unsuspecting parent via a series of deceptively priced gifts. That'll teach her!
I'm also in negotiations about cooking Christmas dinner this year, though this breaks with the norm as me, my Dad and the Brother traditionally spend early afternoon getting wrecked in the local pubs. We went through something similar last year but I'm not sure what happened. It may have had something to do with me wanting to cook something other than Turkey but because my dad is a picky git it all went a bit on the back burner. Personally I think she just trys to overcomplicate things so I give up and she ends up cooking anyway, that way she can have a her traditional 'woe is me' monologue, but we'll play the game again this year and see how it goes.

I know how early it is, but you don't know my mother. You need to lay seige fairly early on in order to increase the chances of success.

Got provisional plans for a Camden trip a week on Saturday with the Gnome from Home (Sam), bit of shopping followed by Square Pie! woohoo!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Yay Though I Walk Through The Valley Of Debt...

Interest free on on new purchases until April 2006. That's what the nice people at Egg say. What the Hell was I supposed to do? Not buy it?!

Ok, I admit it, I'm weak. Soon, however, I will be weak but with a very expensive Meccano set.

Right now I am very happy about it too, plenty of time to regret it later on - as far as I'm concerned I deserve it and now my mum can have most of my old PC to play her scrabble on. I know, but it's best not to argue, your brain will just start to hurt and you'll need a lie down.

I will be documenting the thrilling process of PC building for you perusal, if only to prove that I did in fact do it myself. Anyway, not much else to report right now and not much entertaining to say eiher as I am hung over.

Monday, October 24, 2005

It's WHO you ask not WHAT you ask...

I have been debating about whether to hammer my credit card and get this new PC I priced up at the weekend and was condidering leaving it a bit longer before buying. I then asked my colleagues at work whether they think I should by this pretty sweet piece of kit. Now this may have been an unwise move on my part or a cunning plan by my unconscious mind designed to validate the purchase of the computer.

You see, as I'm sure I've mentioned on many an occasion, I work for an IT firm. So when you ask the question 'should I buy this shiny new computer?' of your colleagues, they tend to look at you as if you've said 'Shall I breathe today?'. So, I'm pretty sure I'll get it. With such persuasive arguments as 'It's got two graphics cards! Joined up! How cool is that? how can you not buy it?!' and 'You NEED a new computer Matt! yours is crap!', my point of 'but it's not my money' just pales in comparison.

Having said all this, the man from the shop hasn't called back and I've left 2 messages, I may decide to take this as a sign that the purchase is a bad idea. Tell you what, I'll open it up. Should I buy a big shiny new computer? Cast your votes folks, your decision stands! (for now anyway ;-P).

I've been told by a couple of people that despite my best efforts parts of my Surreyfication post sound totally self deprecating and miserable, this wasnn't the intent. I was trying to illustrate the farcical course of my love life in as entertaining a way as I could, but apparently I just come across as a bit whingey, so apologies for that people. I could edit it but once again in the interests of continuity and attempting to display character I will leave the offending post as it is.

Maybe next time I'll tell the story via the gift of interpretive dance.

Here's one of my favourite sayings of all time, though I am pretty sure I am the only one who finds it funny. To be fair saying it to your boss may not be the wisest move.

"Look, to your untrained eye it may very well look like I'm doing nothing. I can assure you, however, that on a cellular level I am a hive of activity."

Sunday, October 23, 2005

George Bush Stamp

I just nicked this off someone else's blog. Made me chuckle.

The U.S. Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of
President George W. Bush to honor his first term achievements. In daily use it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes.
This has enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special presidential commission
has made the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side.

The Big Smoke

I had a good day yesterday, maximum moochage was achieved and I still managed to get something productive done too. I rock.

So I got up and cleaned the pit so it now actually looks like a habitable bedroom, which is never a bad thing. Then, after shower etc., I wandered off to the train station and bought a bargainous Travel Card at a mere six pounds something (with my discount card of course!)and off I went to London for a bit of a shop.

Train journey was a little interminable but I didn't care. You know how it is when you start the day pretty early and you know that there is absolutely nothing that you have to do, so the things you have decided to do are pretty much doable in whatever order and in whatever time frame you choose? How often does that happen in a day? I mean think about it, most days you kind of have to be somewhere at a specific time at some point in the day, if only for five minutes. Anyway, that's what it was like yesterday.

So I went to the computer fairs at UCL and some other nearby place. Has to be said, they sucked ass. I mean the last fair I went to was a few years ago in North Wales but they were vastly superior to this lot of rogues. Big pile 'o crap goddammit!

Luckily another blogger told be that the Tottenham Court Road was a good place for PCs and the like (thanks Olivia) so I mooched off up that way. I wrote a whole bunch about the shops here then realised it was intensely dull. Long story short, found a place with really good staff who offered me a good deal. Soon as I sort out transporting the shiny bits to my flat so I can build it I will probably order.
So thats the PC bit sorted (nearly), if I decide to go for it now anyway. After the geeky part of the shopping trip I headed off to Camden Town, which I have to say right away is possibly the coolest place on Earth.

Although they are taking the eighties come back a little far for my liking. I'm sorry but 'Dexies Midnight Runners' wasn't a good look then and it's not a good look now. Go home and change you goddamned freaks.

Anyway, first thing I did while shopping exclusively for one item was buy something for someone else. I know, I'm a bloody danger! It had to be bought though, they may as well have put it out with a sign saying 'Reserved for Miss Hannah Weston' on it, it's that appropriate. So, yeah, you owe me a pint. Obviously further present buying ensued because I am weak.

After that I remembered seeing a pub that had a sign saying 'We sell Square Pies!', which I thought was fantastic and worth a visit on that basis alone. It was a really nice pub actually. I often object to 'Bars' you see becuase I think they are a bit clean and pretentious sometimes. This was a really good pub with good music and a nice atmosphere for a Saturday afternoon. It's called The Lock Tavern by the way, I imagine it's famous or something and I'm just being dimwitted.

Anyway I settled down with my extortionately priced Guiness and copy of the Independent and went about my business, then I decided I would enquire after the aforementioned 'Square Pies'. To be fair I think I was most interested in what precious metals they were made of to justify the £7.50 price tag at this point, but also the strangeness intrigued me. I mean, pies are round, well known fact. This talk of Square Pies is madness. I'm old. I fear change.

I carried out research when I got home it appears that these are the perpetrators of the pie revolution. That looks like some damned good pie. Think I may bow to market forces next time I go to Camden and have me some Square Pie. Viv la Revolution! Watch this space for the Pie report.

Pie is a great word.

Anyway, off to see Wallace and Grommit in a little while so I will love you and leave you. I'll also leave you with this quote, courtesy of Queen Emi:

"Whats the point of wearing your lucky rocket ship pants all day if no one asks to see them?" (Calvin & Hobbbes)

Friday, October 21, 2005

Surreyfication Stage 1

I've decided to spend more time down here and less time harrassing people with far better things to do with their time. For this reason, Matt Borough Council are pleased to announce the Surreyfication Project 2005.

Stage one of the project is set to commence over the next few weeks as we seek to clean up and improve Matt in order to meet the challenges of the new millenium. The initial actions in Stage one are already about to begin with 'Project Defumigation' getting off to a stumbling start but is now back on track. The 'Acknowledge that London Exists' initiative is underway tomorrow with trips to both UCL (computer fair) and Tottenham Court Road in order to peruse new and shiny things with buttons. After this Matt will be taken to Camden Markets for an Official Mooch and thence he shall return to the flat. There is a possibility that the evening will involve some light libation in Central London somewhere but this remains to be seen.

The main thrust of Stage 1 involves not getting on a train every weekend to go to Hull, difficult as it may be to believe but some of my friends appear to have developed lives beyond me. So I am cutting back on official state visits before I outstay my welcome.

It's been suggested that I get a girlfriend, now while on the surface this may seem perfectly normal and sensible, it is fraught with all manner of impracticality. Allow me to elaborate:

1) While I have no real problem talking to women anymore and seem to develop phone numbers on a not infrequent basis, that's pretty much it. I think I stun them with my initial barrage of what can loosely be described as 'Conversation', in much the same way you would stun a small mammal like a squirrel with a rock. The in the dazed and confused and (hopefully) laughing state they unwittingly hand out a Licence to Stalk. They of course recover the next day and change phones. Then change identity, sex and move to Brazil just to be safe.

2) I have a habit of going out with people who are evil. I mean I am going on the assumption that all women aren't evil. Given my experience I could be forgiven for leaping to that conclusion though. I have to confess it was me who was the baddy last time around. Kind of. Although even women disagree with me on that one, but what else are friends for but to make you feel better about yourself? Anyway, to recap, either:

a)They are evil
b)I cock it up in some (always) unspecified way.
c)A combination of the above

3) Considering that except for the last 2 I've always been dumped within 2 months, there is clearly something that grinds on peoples nerves fairly quickly. Once again, this remains unspecified and I am left with those funny noises women make when they seem to think you should know something that is clearly so ambiguous they can't find the words for it. So what hope do we have?

4) One doesn't just 'Get' a girlfriend. It's not like I can go down the olive section at Tescos and pick one up there. Emi can do that, but most of us mere mortals have to put far more work and concealing of inadequacies in.

*I know this looks like a bit of mindless self deprecation and miserableness, but I can assure you I am perfectly happy while writing this, been feeling pretty good since I decided on the London Trip this afternoon.*

So because of a combination of the above points, the proposed 'Get a Girlfriend' initiative has been scrapped and replaced with the new 'Have a Laugh with Mates' sub-Project. While this project previously stood on its own, it was felt that to incorporate it into the Surreyfication Project would increase its impact.

Anyway, so that is my plan. This is in addition to the planned 'Get Ripped' work that is going to be carried out over the coming months.

If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her convicts she doesn't deserve to have any. (Oscar Wilde)

'That last pint must've been dodgy'......

Christ I feel rough. Blech.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Dream Come true?.....

Those of you that know me may have noticed that I talk. A at great length. Whether you want me to or not. In fact people that don't know me may have noticed this too as I am also quite loud, especially after a few medicinal drinks.

It may also have come to your attention that I like to drink, sometimes a lot. I also like curry. A lot.

So what's the point in me telling you this? Consider: Tonight we are having the second Project Meal I've attended since I joined the firm, which is actually pretty good going considering I've only been here 4 months. In fact after today I would have had 4 free meals incorporating 3 free drinking sessions since I started. Sadly the 4th was a free lunch, and they frown on drunken singing in the office apparently.

Anyway, the meal. It's in an Indian Restaurant, and I've been asked to run the post meal quiz. Ok, to recap - Free Curry, Free Beer all night, captive audience for an hour to listen to me talking crap. I couldn't have planned it better, what are the crazy fools thinking? There is, as always, a minor flaw in this arrangement - the quiz is after the meal. Now the last project meal saw me polish off 7 bottles of San Miguel before the starter arrived, to be fair it was a long time coming but still......

I think I hear the words 'Corporate Credit Card' and go a bit crazy, I'll be making sure I can at least see by the time I get up to do the quiz.

Other stuff. I am getting an overwhelming urge to buy a new PC, I do kind of need one and by need I of course mean want. I do spend a lot of time on my PC though so it's not like it's a waste of money, and my credit card is feeling very lonely at the moment. I don't have a girlfriend, pet or any real responsibility so it's not like I am neglecting anyone either. I have many transparent reasons as to why I am going to blow a huge chunk of cash I don't have but the one I will probably use is the blanket 'Need something to cheer me up' excuse that covers most of my unnecessary purchases.

I am currently in the process of turning over a new leaf. When I was a student I ate quite well, cooked a lot and generally didn't eat too much crap. I mean I ate crap, just not every day. Now all I eat is processed rubbish, so I am going to stop with that and start eating properly again, this is all in a vain effort to become an 'Olive Skinned Adonis whom beautiful wimminz will throw themselves at'. Actually I'll settle for one tripping up and accidentally stumbling into me, but you get the idea.

So stage one began on Tuesday when I went out and bought a load of fruit - satsumas, plums, grapes and.....errrrm..... fig rolls. Ok the last isn't technically fruit but they are nice so bite me. I am determined to do that 5 portions of fruit or veg a day thing as often as I can (think there will be a lapse today :)). Yesterday I decided to give up smoking as soon as my pack of cigarettes is finished so stage 2 was 'Buy No More Cigarettes'. I was going to keep the quitting thing to myself but this way I can, hopefully, be shamed into keeping it up. So far so good, lets see how I hold out once I run out though. Next I am going to register with a doctor down here so I can get my shoulder looked at and finally join the gym. Once all of these things are achieved I'll need to find other things to keep my mind occupied but this'll do for now.

In case you're confused as to where all the crap jokes are, fear not they will return I just need to put this down in writing so I can treat it in a biblical 'So it is written so it shall be done' kind of way.

Anyway, more entertaining stuff later.

[Edit] Forgot my quote! :

War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography. -- Ambrose Bierce


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Tuesday/Wednesday - Close enough

Ok so it's not been the Blogfest I promised and there are no pictures yet. For those of you that actually care, I'm sorry - really! And for Maria I am especially sorry because for reasons best known to herself she finds me entertaining.

Talking of Maria, I'm really pleased we are back in touch, she's the only person other than Tom I am in touch with from my first year at University and we always got on. For those of you that don't know the story, Maria was over from Miami on a year in Hull and she was seeing a guy from New York State that I lived with in my first year, he was doing music or some such. Anyway, in a blatant attempt at getting closer to the windswept and interesting Welshman who lived at 50 Auckland she decided to go out with the American.
I mean ladies, help me out here. What would you prefer? An ascerbic, skinny, bespectacled computer geek with a complexion that makes milk look tanned or some boring muscley musician with dark wavey hair and olive skin?

Exactly. Welshman every time right?*

Anyway. We get on. Well, she laughs at my jokes which is pretty much all I ask for. That and don't be a git. I am such a simple creature

Ok so the weekend was pretty awesome. Had a few drinks on Friday and saw some people I hadn't seen in a while. Saturday me and The Rah got wasted in a fantastic bar called The Lamp (if you're ever in Hull), Kirsty joined us at 10 after she finished work and managed a sterling effort at putting a few away too so 'Go Kirsty'! lol! Was really good night where we managed to put all things that were wrong with the world right, though did kin of suck that Emi couldn't make it due to a prior 'Non-Matt' (if you can believe the cheeky sod has a life beyond me!) related engagement.

Sunday was a bit of a flopping around the house day, I met up with my old housemates for a pint but felt a bit guilty because I kept bumping into people I hadn't seen for ages. Good luck with the job by the way Rich! Then in the evening just sat in front of the TV which I haven't done in ages. In fact I only do it when I go and visit the guys in Hull!

That's pretty much it, I went up, saw the people I wanted to see and came back here. It's really quite bad, I love going back there but it makes living here that tiny bit harder because there is always that part of you that would rather be somewhere else. Anyway, I was ordered to make this 'Funny and Interesting' rather than 'whining like a little bitch with a skinned knee'.

That is a tall order though as this is the end of the post. I have loads to put up, still about the weekend in Crewe but still haven't sorted the Flicr account because I am fairly lame.....errrrm...... busy, fairly busy! I want the pictures and the post up at the same time, so patience people. Christ, I'm actually starting to convince myself you care! lol! So watch this space and normal service will now be resumed, your break is over, kindly return to your seats.

Think I'll keep doing this quote thing too (until I get bored) some are mine, some are nicked. This one is nicked but I can't remember where read it I just remember laughing a lot:

" When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"

*Carefully crafted Delusion - FRAGILE - Handle with care

Friday, October 14, 2005

Absence makes the Heart grow fonder

Ok, I could pretend I have been making you wait in eagre anticipation of the next exciting installment in my blog, but that just isn't true. I've been a lazy arse and also quite busy at work, which has prevented me from indulging in my primary activity of blogging.

So I still have plenty of Doughnut-opia photos to upload, also have some pics from the night in Crewe to go up. I'm tempted to get some webspace just so I can upload the video of Jon dancing in his front room. It's absolute genius that I think should be shared with the world though not entirely sure he would thank me for it. There is also some footage of me interrogating one of his cats. He looks very guilty.

I am going to Hull this afternoon to visit Emi, The Rah and Kirsty - Huzzah! Haven't seen them for what seems like ages but has only been a month. Though I did spend most days round their house when in my final year so that is actually quite a long time. Unfortunately my old housemate Jon 'Smells of Onion and Garlic Frenchman' Gibbins is off to Sheffield so will once again miss him! damn his eyes! I'll get in touch with one of my other old housemates later today to see if he fancies meeting up with me and The Rah tomorrow for some light libation. That's you Lowe, we need words about your blasphemous comments.

Even though it is only one person who sends me chastising mails if I don't post every hour on the hour, I've fooled myself into thinking you are all equally as Matt-obsessed as Maria. So I promise that on Tuesday, when I get back to Surrey I will be blogtastic!

Should have some good stuff from the weekend too. I'll even sort out a Flikr account!

I have quite a lot to get through before I leave at lunchtime so I better go off and do it or I will get into trouble.

Current favorite line: "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving really isn't for you".

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Doughnut-opia Day 2

That's right folks, once again the doughnut deliveries have been coming in. Today something extra special as it is Chocloate Ring Doughnut Day! Encompassing 'Novelty snackfest'.

This simple yet elegant display shows the beauty that can be created with only a few snack varieties. Perched atop Red Leader's unused keyboards are the Finest Chocolate ring doughnuts and, once again, a Smartie entry this time in the form of Smarties cookies!.

Demanding Wimmin-folk

I've just been chastised for not updating my blog whilst unconscious I think. Now to be fair, I thought I suffered a severe case of Over-Blog yesterday (although much of that was given over to the immensely successful Doughnut-opia 2005) and was expecting some kind of 'Christ give us a chance to read it!'. Instead I get Emi demanding her own post and Maria compalining that I don't blog in my sleep.

This could be a good thing as it may mean that people are reading and enjoying my Blog so much that they can't get enough of it. A more likely explanation is they are bored out of their minds and have nothing better to do.

In Emi's case the deadly virus (definitely not Man Flu, women don't get this sick off Man Flu) has prevented her from doing anything else and in Maria's case, she is revising for some ludicrously complicated exam and needs a break. However as I have a mind that's highly trained in lying to me, I will soon have myself convinced of my blogs popularity through entertainment rather than boredom.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Ode to Emi, Burning Light [ed:(Love)]of My Life

[NB: All Bold-type and bracketed text including the title are post Emi-Comment Edits I've added to reflect her observations of the original post]

Ok, So Emi is ill [Dying]. She's really quite [literally at Death's Door] poorly. As a result, she isn't in a particularly chipper mood. Earlier in the day I have been cast [Perfectly Justifiably] as evil incarnate and a product of Satans own Backside for not mentioning her enough in my blog . Luckily [In a grandly magnanimous gesture] she has provided me with plentiful material for her own mini-post.

So she's sick [Mortally ravaged with disease] and she has to do some [Gruelling] online test thing that counts towards her degree [Bastards]. She needs a password to get into the testing system, which they email her to her University Email account. Which is broken. So here's the equation so far:

Poorly [Dying] Emi = Bad Mood
Poorly Emi [Dying]* [Devil's own workforce intent on the corruption of all things good (For all things good read: Emi)]Incompetent Uni IT Staff = 'Stop Pulling My Face Off, I Need That!'

However, being calm, collected and together she was not to be foiled [by stupid Boys] and took the standard stock approach to the problem. Keep hammering your details to the email system with increasing outbursts of profanity until the useless piece of crap works.

Eventually [Even though dying] she got into the system and is primed to take some [evil] test on Medieval literature or some such. It does beg the question, what the hell are they thinking putting a test up online for English Students [Bastards]? I mean, if they wanted to mess around with things that invariably don't work [Bastards] like they are supposed to they would have done Computer Science surely?

Anyway, now she knows the secret of 'How Technology Works' she should have no further problems. Remember: Swear, Hit, Retry thing You tried 1 thousand times. repeat with increasing vehemence.

Oh. The title, similar to something Emi [Cleverly and with Immense forethought] suggested I use as a post about her. So why did I agree? well firstly, she is pretty damned ace [damned right].

Secondly - She's lovely but she's tired, ill [Dying] and [Full of sharply observed pearls of Wisdom] annoyed. I don't care if she is 250 miles away, I know what's good for me [Clearly not, you're a dead man].


Our first attendee from 3rd Line, 'Big Mac' Kelany arrives at Doughnut-opia 2005 fit for the events that are to follow. Bucking popular speculation, Mac opted for the Chocolate sprinkles over Pink Icing style Doughnut. As we can see from this snap, he appears incredibly pleased with this shock selection, yet declined to comment on this controversial choice.

Despite it's less than manly icing, we can see Mac digging into his doughnut with a relish and enthusiasm only found in the amateur classes. Once again we can see the promotion of diversity that Doughnut-opia brings. This young whipper-snapper hot on the heels of the seasoned tubster Niemesh!

Doughnuts for the 21st century

We've had the old, now it's time for the Hip and happening doughnut for the discerning but 'kewl' kid around town. Niemesh dives straight for the Crushed Smarties and Icing style Doughnut, knowing that this is the Doughnut preferred by the 'G-Folk on the West-Siyeed!'

And look at that. Beautifully executed demolition of the wonderful confection. Relishing every moment but at the same time apprectiating the sublime beauty of the article. It's a good thing to see this seasoned Doughnut-Muncher has lost none of his skill when it comes to devouring sweets. Still strong in the Game, Niemesh is a proud supporter of Doughnut-opia 2005.

Dougnut-opia, an event for all!

As we can see, even Cyborgs are welcome at Doughnut-opia as we work to promote diversity through Doughnuts. Here we see a RoboMatt overcome with the Doughnut-astic choices he has before him:

Wisely, RoboMatt used his enhanced abilities to select an Iced Ring Doughnut with Hundreds and Thousands sprinkles. A classic Doughnut as popular today as it has always been. Some knock the traditionalists, but RoboMatt says 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it! And if it is broke, a few pins and a new hinge will sort it out!'

Opening Ceremony

Behold the beauty of the 'HAHAHAHA! Doughnuts all over Andy's desk' Doughnut display. The team have done us proud here today. Such a thing of beauty brings a tear to the eye!

Here we see event organiser, The Right Honourable Matthew Jones MD (master of doughnuts), PhD (Philled Doughnuts), enjoying the opening doughnut of the event. Look at that happy glint in his eye. An event like this doesn't come along very often so it's really special to capture it on film.

Weekend and Doughnut-opia updates!

Ok, Dough-nutopia 2005 gets into full swing this afternoon, watch this space for updates and pictures! It's promising to be a funfest that can be enjoyed by young and old alike.

The doughnuts have been arriving thick and fast and the doughnut display stand situated at the area designated 'Red Leaders desk, hahahaha!' is almost complete.

Pictures from the weekends festivities in Crewe will be on their way soon too. I will probably try and set up an account with Flickr though as Blogs where it's just a massive scroll-down of pictures are really annoying. It's mostly pictures of drinks and me pulling funny faces, but I've never been afraid to humiliate myself. Had a fantastic time, was great to go out on a session with Jon and Pedr again, we haven't been out together properly in about 2 years so was a great reunion despite the circumstances.

Anyway, this was just a brief note, more later.

***** IMPORTANT NOTE!: Should any of you wish to hold your own doughnut-based events, please send me doughnut related photo's to . I have been called cruel by some. I'll stop them when they are wrong.

Friday, October 07, 2005

We now return to our regular programming..

Everyone needs to let Mr Hyde out once in a while, give a boy a break - yesterdays rant was necessary to prevent a very messy spontaneous combustion.

So I'm off to Crewe this evening to see JonnyJonny Shaw. Have had a worrying report from Pedr that he may not be able to attend tomorrow evenings festivities and curry baptism but he is striving to overcome his transport problems. Our prayers are with him and we hope he overcomes this devilish ploy to keep him from purifying his pallet.

I'm feeling a little ropey today thanks entirely, in my opinion, to the Red Leader clone that continues to spread his insidious infection about the office. I can only hope that the real Red Leader breaks free and defeats this evil clone before his return in a few weeks.

We've been taunting him this week which is always fun. He keeps trying to get us to bring Doughnuts into work for the 'Team'. So we decided to bow to management pressure and launch the two week extravaganza that is 'Doughnut-opia 2005!'. This event will run from Monday the 10th October through to Friday 21st October and will be a veritable Doughnut-a-palooza! On the Agenda are:

Stacking Doughnuts on Andrews desk
Doughnut gourging
Doughnut Photo ops
Andrews lack of Doughnuts Gloating competition

And much much more! Keep 'em peeled for Doughnut-opia Photos, it'll be something to tell the kids about.

Sadly Red Leader Andrew won't be available for the event, as he unwisely booked his annual leave to coincide with it, but I'm sure he'll appreciate the sugar and frosting we leave as a memento all over his keyboards.

*BREAKING NEWS* The Evil Red Leader clone has attempted to ban Doughnut-opia 2005, a further indication of his loyalty to 'The Man'. We were going to give him a photo of the festivities too, but it appears our kind offer isn't good enough. This official memorandum was recieved by the event organisers from the Clone:

"(Please note Doughnut-Fest, Doughnut-Stock or any other Doughnut related amenity is hereby banned in my absence)."

Well, 'The Man', you will never crush the indomnitable spirit of Doughnut-opia you hear? Never!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Autumn looks good Tony.............

Well the 'rat-a-tat-tat' of little drummer boys sounds in the distance and soon the pounding drums of righteous indignation will be heard and then we will plow into Iran on an even flimsier context than we used to nick Iraq.

It's a bomb!

He said evidence led either to Iran or its Lebanese militant allies Hezbollah, although "we can't be sure of this".

So why say it Tony? If you don't know, keep your warmongering mouth shut until you do! The only reason for having this splashed over the Pravda-like Tabloid press over here is to create further ill feeling towrds another possible target.

For those of you who are hard of thinking, allow me to summarise. This article is basically the UK government saying 'We found some bombs in Iraq, Iran used bombs once - draw your own conclusions!'.
Christ it makes me sick it really does. We're buying it too, we sit around slagging off Americans for listening to and believing the bile and garbage spouted by Fox. We laugh at colour coded 'Terror Alert' charts and insanely 'Duck and Cover' style advice pamphlets about how to survive a Terror Attack (turn the light on and check the wardrobe?), but are we any better?

Here's the thing. People are buying millions of copies of The Sun, The Daily Mail (Middle England's Mein Kampf) and the Daily Express (owned by Britains richest pornographer) every day.

Now I'd love to believe it's because of a toilet paper shortage,I really would, but it's not. It's because they like to be told what to think so they get these partisan rags written by barely literate chimps in the case of the red tops and eloquent bigots in the case of the others. Incidentally, Daily Mail Readers. It is a tabloid. I know you think it's a broadsheet for people with short arms - but it's not.

The amount of crap you hear about how every Asylum seeker and illegal immigrant in the world moved to Britain in one day and will be the cause of economic downfall and every crime since the Great train Robbery. Or that it's someone else's fault that our native industries are all outsourced elsewhere (I believe it's France who's fault it is this week), or any of the other barely supported 'news' that makes it into print. Crap. If any of our politicians had any balls they would say so too. But it's much easier to feed the flames and get the public in to a frenzy about something other than their own ineptitude and weakness.

I mean Michael Howard, the son of a pair of Romanian immigrants, spouting such vitriolic filth about the need to 'cap' the amount of immigrants coming in to this country? You can't just cap it! OK, have border control but you can't have night club style immigration policies! 'Clubs full, you can't come in!'

Actually scratch that. I like the Marcus Brigstock version of the Nightclub immigrarion policy. Specifically it's a 'One in, one out' system. For every genuine, terrified and abused asylum seeker we accept into this country, we send one Daily Expresss reader from Dover off to Zimbabwe and give them a farm.

This has been an ill-thought out rant but I read the blog of DrivingMissDallas and it occurred to me that I really am annoyed about this stuff and I've just done a brain dump onto this entry.

To close, back to the original point. I successfully predicted the date of the last invasion to within two weeks. So my prediction for the assault on Tehran? Well, they need to extricate themseves from Iraq, then make sure Iran have no real capability to fight back effectively, few months to concoct some almost feasible excuse...... I'll go for either this time next year, or possibly Feb/March of 2007.

Breaking News: Man Flu Hits StrongBadia!

That's right, even the mighty Strong Bad isn't safe from Man Flu! (for those of you not familiar, check out HomeStarRunner on my links :))

Icon Felled By Deadly ManFlu!

Pod People and 'The Man'

The plot thickens.

I got a text off The Rah at 7:30 this morning. The only thing The Rah is known for doing at 7:30 in the morning is ripping the face off whatever hapless fool woke her at 7:30 in the morning. She assured me, after my initial skepticism over her true identity, that she wasn't pleased about being up that early but the level of activity, beyond grunting 'coffee...' and glaring at anyone whom attempts communication, is still cause for concern

I got into work and was greeted with a cheery MSN message from Mike. Like me, 'Summery ray of sunshine', does not usually accurately describe his disposition. I am pretty sure I know the reason for his chipperness but this is still an unsettling turn of events considering my earlier Rah experience.

After the chirpy 'hello'from Mike, Red Leader arrived in work still, he claims, 'In the Grip of Man Flu'. Really. Then how is it you are not at home whimpering and demanding tea/chicken soup? Why do you resist when you are told to head home and protect your colleagues as I did, so heroically, last week? Well, friends, I have deduced the truth through a cunning series of questions directed towards Red Leader.

He has become a minion of 'The Man'. No longer does he talk of sticking it to him, merely of apathy and acceptance of 'The Man's' rule. He is actively in the employ of 'The Man' in spreading this foul illness to co-workers, already another in the office has fallen foul of this dastardly plot. Sadly, the already weak and sickly Robert's mind has succumbed to 'The Man's' propaganda as a result of the illness. Lies vilely spread by the Red Leader imposter claim that I am the source of the virus, but as you can see from this indisputable documentation I quarantined myself as soon as the deadly virus was detected.

So. It appears the Man Flu is a method of Pod Personing people. The Rah has shown no sign of Man Flu and her natural female resistance should prevent her infection, her odd behaviour may have another cause as yet undetermined. Similarly, my diagnosis of Pod Personitis in Mike may be a little hasty.
There is no doubt in my mind, however, that Red Leader has been replaced by a drone of 'The Man' as part of his dastardly plot. Soon poor, simple Rob may follow, his fragile mind may not be able to cope with the onslaught.

I fear for Emerald also, she has succumbed to Man Flu. She hasn't exhibited any drastic changes in behaviour though so it may be that her natural female resistance to the disease will protect her from being Pod Personed. I pray this is the case.

Yes, I'm purile.....

Sorry, couldn't resist. Come on, it's funny - if a little outdated, Rumsfeld has invented a new enemy for Fox to talk about these days. So just replace all the Commies with Terror!

Oh and check this out, talk about Biting off more than you can chew!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Imminent Pandemic

Sad news dear friends. I'm sure you remember my selflessly and, let's face it, heroically taking time off work in order to battle Man Flu alone and cold in my lonely flat. Why Selfless? I was protecting my colleagues from the ravages of this Silent Menace, I did not want to infect them with this most insidious of diseases. Sadly my precautions were not enough, and Man Flu has once again proven what a Wily Foe it is. Somehow Red Leader (Andrew) has endeavoured to contract the virus.

He is currently a sorrier speciment than normal, attempting to 'Soldier on' as best he can at work. Every now and then he mutters something about 'So.......cold.......' or 'getting........darker.......cold....embrace........of.......[cough!]'. I fear he won't be strong enough to battle this one out on his own, we may lose him. Even worse is that he has two weeks off next week so unless he is claimed before Friday, it may be towards the end of the month before we discover we need a replacement! During one of his more lucid moments (of which, even on a normal day, there are few) he muttered something which at first I thought was 'Man Flu'. However after twisting the words in my mind to suit my purpose I realised he was saying 'The Man!............flu'.

Could it be? The Man infecting the working mens population of my company with a deadly (The)Man Flu Pandemic?! I wouldn't put it past the dastardly swine! But to what purpose? Well even the most simple of creatures can see the purpose of the plan once you see it in action.
The Man, not satisfied with his Global Dominance over Car Insurance providers is making further moves into IT. Obviously he is already in control of Microsoft, now he is moving in on our company! By devastating the predominantly male workforce with this evil infection he will affect productivity and therefore shareprice. He will be able to snap us up for a song!

Damn his low cunning, I will find a way to Stick it to Him. Andrew must be 'dealt' with before the virus spreads.......

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

'There you go, four candles'.

'Nah mate! I want Fork 'Andles, 'andles for Forks!'

Another Legend Gone.


Mike asked a good question earlier. How is it we live in a world where Ronnie Barker is taken from us and yet we are left with Roy Chubby Brown and Jim Davidson.

And people claim there is a God.

I've commented on someone elses blog about what I consider to be awful comedy from the British 80s, namely things like the Benny Hill show and Are you being Served?. That's not to say that Benny Hill wasn't sometimes hilarious, I just always found it to be when not on his TV show. The same can be said of Kenny Everett, very funny off the show.

I was never a massive fan of the Two Ronnies, but there were some sketches had you crying in laughter. Ronnie Barker was brilliant with words and the Four Candles Sketch is right up there with the Peter Cook 'One legged Tarzan' at cracking me up every time I hear it. For me, though, it was his comedy acting and writing that was Ronnie Barker's best gift. Open All Hours and Porridge still make me laugh today and that's what makes good comedy, the ability to appeal across generations. That's why I don't laugh at Benny Hill show or the Kenny Everett show or Are You Being Served? It's very much comedy of it's age but just seems crude and clumsy to me now.

I think one of the things that is most admirable about the man is that at the height of his success he retired from show business to spend time with his family. He could have been on our screens for years more but he had priorities and principles. It is true that he started the 2 Ronnies again 17 years after retiring but it was pretty much re-runs of classics and if anyone deserved a Swan Song it is Ronnie Barker, I only hope my mind is as sharp, witty and just generally awesome at the age he reached.

Now I am going to wait in eagre anticipation for the Barker-fest that will ensue now he has sadly departed. Anyway, bit morbid sorry but I grew up on this stuff and everyone should watch at least one episode of Porridge or Open All Hours in their lives so they can understand what I am on about.

R-R-R-R-R-Rest In P-P-P-P-Peace Ronnie.

My Dad, Technical Genius

Well. He's worked out how to use MSN about 8 months after I set him up on it. Good going! To be fair he's been on and off the internet during that time, so it's kind of understandable. Or is it? why has he been on and off the Internet since it's been installed? To examine this question, let us take a look at dear Pater's list of technical responses, the cunningly intricate series of fault diagnosis procedures which he follows should errors occur in his PC system:

1.)Format the Hard drive.
2.)Reinstall Windows.
3.)Spend the next fortnight looking for his Windows key.
4.)Swear at PC until drivers magically reappear.
5.)After 4.) has failed, phone Matt and expect him to know the exact hardware configuration of PC and transmit drivers telepathically to PC.

This procedure should be followed in any of the following events:

1.)Complete system crash
2.)Windows kernel errors
3.)Attack of devastating virus
4.)Hijacked internet connection
5.)Slow Internet connection
6.)Slow start up time
7.)Regular Blue screen of death
8.)Games fail to load correctly
9.)'It's acting a bit funny'
10.)Can't play 'The Quo' in CD-ROM
11.)Couldn't beat Solitaire in under 5 minutes
12.)Scrabble doesn't work
13.)Full moon
14.)Acheing in bones indicating future PC issues
15.)Martin went on it*

All of these things I thought I knew and I'd resigned myself to no online conversations with my Day. However, he has proven me wrong and is harassing me even as we speak. Provided he can not give himself any technical support, and he doesn't disown me because of this blog, this may actually increase our communication. I am terrible at phoning home you see.

In fact I suck at it, which is really weird because I get on really well with my parents. I mean, there would be no me without them and while this may have created problems for the rest of the human race it's generally a good situation for me to be in. Also the fridge is always well stocked with essential supplies. You know, cheese and beer. Several dozen varieties of each usually, which is never a bad thing.

So welcome to the Interweb Pater, watch this space because now I've cast aspersions on your character you are safe from a second attack and you can sit back and enjoy as I do it to others! :-D

*This usually results in a serious technical fault. Can usually be repaired by reformatting and beating confession out of said Martin.

Who Knew?

So the Operations manager came up to me just before I went home for work last night and says 'Your name came up in the management meeting today...'. Christ! They're going to tell me that writing blogs and online shopping isn't chargeable work!

Or maybe it's worse, maybe he is going to move me to a Marketing role. God no! I'd have to check my soul at the door and have myself frisked in case I am carrying any discernable talents or abilities beyond opening my mouth and spewing forth bile and garbage.
I couldn't have broken anything major, I've only been here three months. Then again, maybe my suggestion to install Unreal Tournament across the Live system wasn't taken as the forward thinking morale booster that was intended.

It's entirely possible that my suggestion of a bi-weekly lager fuelled curry-fest, paid for by the project, was seen as uneccessary maybe even extravagent. I should probably have mentioned that said Fest was only intended for me and so wouldn't really cost the project that much.

Maybe I'm getting promoted? Ok now we're into crazy talk.

All of the above thoughts and more flew through my head after his ominous opening line, but none were the reason for it. Turns out, as the biggest gobshite in the office, I have been nominated to do the project quiz at our next meal. Being caught off guard and running several disasterous scenarios through my mind I immediately blurted 'Sure, OK! blahblahblah.....'.

These management types are wily devils, I'll have to be more careful in the future.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Every Cloud.....

It's noon. The files we were meant to get at 8am have finally arrived. I can do the work I was due to finish an hour ago now. Thanks, really. No honestly, I can't think of anything more pleasant to do with my Saturday mornings than sit on my arse waiting for competence to kick in somewhere.

Ignore me, I have a hangover and have't had much sleep.

I am going to find the good in my situation. I counted my remaining money from last night, a little over 14 quid. This is a very good thing. It means I can afford not one, but two currys this weekend and I can use my bizarre powers of fuzzy financial logic to classify the expenditure under last nights activities.

Eat my Goal.

Of course I will work Saturday morning...........

Four years of University and yet I appear to have the brain power of a reporter for the Sun. 'Yeah, I'll come in for the CAP change on Saturday, no worries'.

I was out last night, in a fairly big way, for a few colleagues birthdays. RoboMat allegedly did attend Matt Stock 28 (his birthday) but took a detour to a different venue and we didn't see him all night. The Niemesh party was where all the cool kids were at anyway (no diggidy, no doubt), although I'm pretty sure I spent half the night hitting on one of his good friends. Anyway, long story short, I got completely trashed. I got to bed around half 3. I got up about 7. You see where the prboblem is? yeah. I'm battered.

So now I've come into work to do some stuff only to find out that we don't have what we need to do it because some lazy arse in Nottingham hasn't sent it yet. I have a theory as to why. I found out last month that Hooters* have their only UK restaurant in Nottingham. Now the guys who are meant to be sending the files are financial guys. In fact they are financial techies, which in the order of Geekness is pretty much as geeky as it is possible to be without plastic sandles and a thermos. I'm guessing they had a 'Business Dinner' and had some kind of aneurysm at the sight of a real and attractive woman. May be I'm being harsh but in case you missed it earlier, I came to work at 8 am after 3 and a bit hours sleep to do this stuff and these fuckers can't even perform the most arbitrary of tasks. I am not a happy bunny. In terms of how unhappy a bunny I am let's just say it involves pie and seasonal vegetables.

So I am going to wait here with my colleague who has also dragged his arse in on his day off until these pituary retards do what they should have done last night. Then I am going to go home and catch up on some sleep, then I will get up and the only thing that will make me leave my flat before Monday is the curry I am picking up later. Then all will be well again.

Of course this rant could have been avoided if I'd had even the most miniscule level of intelligence and forethought and not volunteered to work on a pissing Saturday morning. Idiot.

*I have no idea how they got away with opening a restaurant where the dress code is hot pants and you aren't allowed to work there if you are Ugly. Unless you are a manager of course, then you have to be spherical, sweaty and ,of course, Male. It's bizarre that this chain originated and thrives in country that preaches equality almost like a mantra.

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