Friday, April 28, 2006

Jaffa Cakes - more Culinary Alchemy

Those crazy goddamn fools! They've done it now! The floodgates are open. Mcvities, guardian of Biscuity goodness have crossed over to the the mad, sick world of confectionary perversion.

Blackcurrant Jaffa Cakes. Blech!, I say to you Mcvities! Blech!. I have it on good authority that Berry Blast and an Evilly tempting Lemon and Lime variety are also available. They must know what they are doing, surely? Tesco have already charged forth with this perverse corruption of goodness by producing Strawberry, Rasberry and even Apricot Jaffa Cakes.

I thought there were one or two corporations remaining that were possessed of a soul. That a handful had a social conscience. That some things were too holy, too good, too untouchable, too dear too to our hearts that even those in power would not trifle with them.

Alas, I was wrong. First the Jaffa Cake (I am informed this travesty happened first), then the Creme Egg. To all you people who say 'It's not a big deal' or 'It doesn't taste that bad' or even worse 'It's progress', YOU'RE WRONG!

That's how you let them in! The thin end of the wedge people, what next eh? Banana flavoured gravy? Spherical chips? Eliptical Sheep?! Now is the time to band together, we must march on McVities before they do something horrible to the HobNob and unravel the universe entirely!

The 'Hoff' endorses Charity Karting race

That's right folks, the Hoff himself has endorsed the Kartoonists and given his blessing! shouldn't you follow his fine example? :p

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


Err, yeah. I had my blog transmitted into space a few months ago, thanks to a post I saw on Olivia's blog but never got round to posting the original certificate. So here's April's certificate, behold my extraterrestrial blogging magnificance!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Badger Protection!

Poor little bugger :(

As you know, however, I always look on the bright side and this line in the story brought a big smile to my face

Anyone found guilty of crimes against badgers can face a fine of thousands of pounds and a prison sentence.

I just love the term "Crimes against Badgers". heheh. I have had a brief argument with Red Leader about whether or not such a law would cover the Honey Badger. He contested that as it is not a UK badger, possessing the sole title 'Badger', then it shouldn't be covered by this righteous edict.

Of course it's full title is European Badger so he is wrong there, but instead I chose to expose him for the racist that he is - discriminating against African Badgers in this way shows a lack of tolerance that is unacceptable in the 21st century!

Crimes against badgers. heheh.

[Addendum]For more badger information go here, go on - click it! you know you want to ;) [/Addendum]

Give us your money!

Red Leader, RoboMatt, Rob the Pirate and Some bloke Called Simon are all taking part in a Charity Karting race next Sunday (30th) in aid of Cancer Research UK .

As a result of this I have decided to launch a shameless plug to drum up sponsorship on my blog. You can donate here. You'll no doubt notice that I haven't yet donated but this down to the fact that I don't get paid until Friday, so will be doing so at my earliest convenience.

In a recent survey Cancer Research UK was found to be the sexiest charity in Britain. Further findings suggested that by donating to this fantastic cause you become more attractive to your gender of preference, more virile and are more likely to gain pay rises/promotions at work. These effects are directly proportional to the amount of cash is donated at the time.

Seriously, if you fancy donating it's quick and easy to do and it is for the goodest of good causes, the chaps have already paid a significant amount of money to take part int he race and are also donating so would be good if they hit their target or exceeded it.

So, if you want to part with hard earned cash click here.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Cadbury - Have they gone too far?

For years Cadbury's Creme eggs were a seasonal confection produced in the months preceding Easter and continuing to be sold for a little after, at least that is how my brain remembers it. Through various marketing evolutions the Creme Egg is now with us all year round, it is smaller in size than it used to be and the filling has, in my opinion, subtely changed.

It is still, however, fully posessed of it's intrinsic Creme Egginess. It is a little chocolate egg filled with a sweet fondant that spreads joy wherever it goes. They even took the trouble to colour the fondant to have a yellow bit and a white bit just like a real boiled egg. Genius. It's been with us in this form for over 30 years.

Cadbury, manufacturers of this most delicious of embryonic confections, have for years also marketed a chocolate bar called Dairy Milk. A bar of their signature milk chocolate. They also had Whole Nut and Fruit & Nut. Dairy milk with nuts or nuts and raisins. So far so good. In recent years they have expanded their Dairy Milk tinkering operations, mostly to good effect.

We have Turkish delight filled Dairy Milk, Dairy Milk with bits of Crunchie, Dairy Milk with Biscuit, White Dairy Milk (work that one out), Caramel Dairy Milk and many more that sometimes are ill advised (see: wafer Dairy Milk) but usually they are successful crossovers with other of their products.

Imagine my surprise then, when I walk into the local store the day after Easter - hoping to snaffle some cheap Easter Eggs - and see sitting on the shelf 'Dairy Milk - with Creme Egg Filling'.

My head spun! My mind was boggled by this most bizarre of products. I took a few breaths and calmed myself down. 'They've never taken massive steps in the wrong direction before Matt' I reasoned. So I thought, before I leapt to conclusions, I would consult my friends and I would also carry out a comparative study.

I proceeded to purchase the offending bar of chocolate along with a Creme Egg or 3 (multipack discount!). I informed some people of the big news and went about my business eating the chocolate, always on my mind 'Is it Genius or is it Heresy?'. I had to conclude Heresy friends, there is something fundamentally wrong with putting that filling in a bar shaped confection.

The taste is there you understand, the ingrediants are there but there was something nagging at my mind. Was it the incorrect Chocolate:Fondant ratio? Was it the the lack of an Ovum shaped casing around said fondant? Are we just not ready for this level of technology that can transform the Egg filling into the bar?

It's all of the above and more. I feel this step could affect the fabric of the Universe and Cadbury should stop this madness now before they doom us all! The transformation of egg to bar is tantamount ot Alchemy. Seek they the Philosopher's stone?! Where does the madness end? Strawberry fondant in an Orange Shaped chocolate casing?! Do we expect non Crunchie Crunchie bars?

And what of the mini egg? What of them Cadbury? Does a similar fate await all our Almond encased seasonal munchable friends?

So this is a plea. A Creme Egg is to be egg shaped, stop playing God and return to the good old days!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tom Cruise - Special report

Tom Cruise* today revealed he was part feral animal today in shocking interview with GQ magazine. The diminutive star of such films as Mission Impossible III, Days of Thunder and Top Gun also revealed latent psychic powers and prophet-like conversion abilities in the same interview.

When asked about $8 million per film fee and his high status and regard in the Cul.......Church of Scientology, Cruise (after having his belly scratched) could have responded 'Those are two separate facts and neither is linked to the other. My film work and my resultant wealth and fame have nothing to do with my value to Scientology. The fact that I harp on about it at every available opportunity does them no favours at all and they certainly don't recruit thousands of weak willed Cruise fans every year as a result of my allegedly insane evangelism. '

In the same interview Mr Cruise, whilst chasing his own tail, denied reports he would be making any Scientology related films in the same way as his friend and fellow Cul......Church Goer John Travolta. As is well known, Travolta funded and starred in the critically acclaimed smash hit Battlefield Earth.

'Look, I have a tried and tested formula for films and I see no reason to change that that magical Cash Cow now' an agitated Cruise may have said. After some digging we managed to decrypt this secret formula so that we can help budding gullible, insane midgets break into the movie industry:

Main character is a [Insert Profession here]. He's a pretty good [Insert Profession here] too. The he has a crisis of confidence that stops him from being a [Insert Profession here], until he meets a beautiful woman who persuades him to be a better [Insert Profession here]**

When it was suggested that Scientology is based on the writings of a Science Fiction author of dubious morality we were greeted with the word 'Careful, suing is a major source of income!’

We rephrased, suggesting that many people read and enjoy works of science fiction an fantasy Often the stories are told so well that readers become caught up in them to such an extent that an author of questionable integrity could convince the more impressionable reader that much of the content of his fictional works are in fact true. From this simple scam to fleece said fans of even more money - beyond that provided by book royalties, a 'Grow-your-own' religion could be formed and turned into an international scam to deprive more and more people of hard earned cash. Such an organisation could be accused of being a cult due to the fact that it seems to be run entirely to generate cash through the sale of books, clothing and even subscription fees of increasing value for each level of 'initiation'. This kind of brain washing of the gullible is a key indicator to a 'whacky cult', particularly if the teachings are so bizarre as to be laughable by a normal rational human being.

When asked if this hypothetical situation is what occurred with formation of Scientology 'No, definitely not, Scientology is a proper religion that is certainly not a big cash scam with a stupid and ridiculous doctrine'

*Originally I did a long serious post about the subject, but thought that it wasn't worth the effort. People with a brain tend to see it for what it is so thought ia piss take would be more appropriate

**Thanks to comedian Rich Hall for this formula I paraphrased!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Sugary Tea - The Taste of Evil

Matt Labs Inc. have finally cracked the reason why Sugary Tea tastes so awful and is so abhorrent to good and decent people, yet mother's milk to other less stable people with wild staring eyes.

Scientists , using a variety of fallacious techniques, have discovered that this foul concoction is the taste of pure Evil. Specifically it tastes of the souls of dead babies, which is the Sugary Tea drinkers main source of nutrition. Sugary Tea is the only way these minions of Lucifer can go about continuing their diabolic machinations, the study says.

Further specious findings prove equivocally that consumers of this bile of the Devil are most often secretly employed as 'Fluffy Puppy Drowners' or FPDs, rather than the day jobs they pretend to perform (most often Plumber or Contractor is their front).

Further proof of the intrinsic wrongness of the Sugary Tea imbiber is their treatment of their fellow humans. An example is the classic Plumber/Fluffy Puppy Drowner. Called out on a Saturday, said FPD will consume gallons of his Devil's Brew before changing a washer and charging the hapless, goodly resident an exhorbitant sum of cash and/or a child's soul.

Of course if the resident is also an imbiber of this loose bowel water the Scientists are in no doubt that the fee is waivered as there will be no soul to impart and there isn't a lot of cash in Fluffy Puppy Drowning.

So beware everyone. These people are out there and they look just like you and me.

Stay Safe.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Hershey's - what the hell is this crap?!

So RoboMatt returned from Vegas having been to San Francisco first. He was over there for his sisters wedding and it sounds like he had an awesome time over there so no American Bashing today I promise! Well except for this paraphrased quote:

'We do fat people, but they are in a different league! I saw a guy who was about 4 times the size of me and the only discernable exercise he performed was to reach for the ketchup'

Anway, that aside, he generously returned with a big bag of 'Hershey's minis'. The bag contained lots of varieties of this famous (and I use the term very loosely) chocolate. They had rice crispies in milk 'chocolate', peanuts in milk 'chocolate', dark 'chocolate' and milk 'chocolate'. As you may guess, I wasn't a huge fan of the Hershey's experience but being the burning ray of summer sunshine that I am I looked for the good in the situation. Every cloud as they say!

So it's not really a good thing but it is interesting so nearly there. One thing about Hershey's is that they have themed their products by cunningly making them all have an aftertaste of vomit. It's a unique marketing strategy that has clearly served them well for years.

I'm sorry but what the hell is wrong with you people?! We get slagged off by other europeans for our chocolate but you make Cadburys look like a luxury confection! There is less than 2% milk fat and Alkali treated cocoa - whatever the hell that is, in a Hershey bar. That means they don't even use Cocoa solids. Checking their site they keep banging on about possibly selling this stuff in other areas of the world and come up with a load of crap about why they haven't done it. I have an explanation as to why. It would be illegal for them to call it chocolate in Europe. At the very most they would be allowed to use the phrase 'chocolate flavoured' , you know like you see on really, really, really cheap chocolate coins?

I know some Americans read this site occasionally so help me out here, how is it this company has 30% of the American confectionary market? Lunar, I know you have taste so please tell me you don't put this stuff in your mouth! That wasn't a joke earlier by the way, it would be illegal for them to call that chocolate over here.

Unless I totally missed something, maybe there is like a High Grade Hershey's bar? You know, with some Cocoa solids? That's the stuff everyone else uses to make chocolate in case someone from Hershey's is reading and I confused them with that term.

Sorry, I know it's not that light hearted but this stuff is like eating mini slabs of vomit and frankly I think you people should boycott it! You do know chocolate should melt right?

OK, sorry, I'm going now.


Of course I want to be shot down here, I really want to hear that no sane people put this solidified vomit in their mouthes so feel free to be as abrasive as possible!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

I am Return-ed my Children!

I'm not going to apologise again, I've been busy OK?! I do feel I've neglected my blog though, not been putting aside the time for it I used to. I will be blogging regularly again now, I promise!

Look at me talking like anyone actually cares! lol. Emerald came out with the best excuse for not reading my blog I have heard yet - 'I have to put time aside to read it because the posts are wuite long!'. [Translation] - 'I have to listen to this crap everytime I see you, i have better things to do with my time than read it as well!' [/Translation].

OK so I am not doing a proper post now beacause I want to do something light hearted before I move on to what's just happened in Israel and vent at the world in general. Suffice to say I am pissed off with Israel and with America and Britain for legitimising every illegal, immoral and hypocritical action they take.

Back soon.

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