Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tom Cruise - Special report

Tom Cruise* today revealed he was part feral animal today in shocking interview with GQ magazine. The diminutive star of such films as Mission Impossible III, Days of Thunder and Top Gun also revealed latent psychic powers and prophet-like conversion abilities in the same interview.

When asked about $8 million per film fee and his high status and regard in the Cul.......Church of Scientology, Cruise (after having his belly scratched) could have responded 'Those are two separate facts and neither is linked to the other. My film work and my resultant wealth and fame have nothing to do with my value to Scientology. The fact that I harp on about it at every available opportunity does them no favours at all and they certainly don't recruit thousands of weak willed Cruise fans every year as a result of my allegedly insane evangelism. '

In the same interview Mr Cruise, whilst chasing his own tail, denied reports he would be making any Scientology related films in the same way as his friend and fellow Cul......Church Goer John Travolta. As is well known, Travolta funded and starred in the critically acclaimed smash hit Battlefield Earth.

'Look, I have a tried and tested formula for films and I see no reason to change that that magical Cash Cow now' an agitated Cruise may have said. After some digging we managed to decrypt this secret formula so that we can help budding gullible, insane midgets break into the movie industry:

Main character is a [Insert Profession here]. He's a pretty good [Insert Profession here] too. The he has a crisis of confidence that stops him from being a [Insert Profession here], until he meets a beautiful woman who persuades him to be a better [Insert Profession here]**

When it was suggested that Scientology is based on the writings of a Science Fiction author of dubious morality we were greeted with the word 'Careful, suing is a major source of income!’

We rephrased, suggesting that many people read and enjoy works of science fiction an fantasy Often the stories are told so well that readers become caught up in them to such an extent that an author of questionable integrity could convince the more impressionable reader that much of the content of his fictional works are in fact true. From this simple scam to fleece said fans of even more money - beyond that provided by book royalties, a 'Grow-your-own' religion could be formed and turned into an international scam to deprive more and more people of hard earned cash. Such an organisation could be accused of being a cult due to the fact that it seems to be run entirely to generate cash through the sale of books, clothing and even subscription fees of increasing value for each level of 'initiation'. This kind of brain washing of the gullible is a key indicator to a 'whacky cult', particularly if the teachings are so bizarre as to be laughable by a normal rational human being.

When asked if this hypothetical situation is what occurred with formation of Scientology 'No, definitely not, Scientology is a proper religion that is certainly not a big cash scam with a stupid and ridiculous doctrine'

*Originally I did a long serious post about the subject, but thought that it wasn't worth the effort. People with a brain tend to see it for what it is so thought ia piss take would be more appropriate

**Thanks to comedian Rich Hall for this formula I paraphrased!


Jay said...

My favourite part was "he may have said."
He may have said a lot of things.
And now he has spawn.

Olivia said...

Rich Hall is quite funny.
He walked past me in Islington once, near Highbury station.

Tom Cruise is off his rocker, nuff said.
God 'elp us now his holy child is born.

/* -----------GOOGLE ANALYTICS TRACKING CODE-------------- */ /*------------------END TRACKING CODE-------------------- */