Friday, August 29, 2008

Olympic Diet

My Olympic diet hasn't been going well of late, I've really eaten or slept much over the last couple of weeks. Fear not though, this kind of phase always leads into a period of frantic activity, cooking and eating. I will resume eating farmyards at the weekend from September so my training schedule to become an Olympic swimming God will be back on.

I will be rigorous in my consumption of egg butties and fry-ups, I'll not let you down guys, I will be be the first Olympic Gold Winning Emperor of All the Europes.

Of course the administration of entering us as 'All of the Europes' into the next Olympics may not be complete so in the meantime, you will all be repatriated as Welsh. This isn't so much national pride as finding it really funny watching Daily Mail readers cough up their own pelvis.

Temporary Permanent Accomodation

After 3 years living in the same place I've decided to acknowledge that my time in Surrey and in this flat may not be quite as temporary as I'd first envisioned. Work as gone well and the lack of any commute appeals to my desire not to become a homicidal maniac.

Dave moves out at the weekend, he's got a part-owned flat further down the M25 and for September at least I've decided to go it alone again, mainly because of constraints on my time but partly by design. I'd prefer to live on my own permanently of course, but there is that whole 'doubling of the bills' thing to contend with - seriously cuts into my 'wasting money on crap no one needs' budget.

Anyway, I decided against the part ownership thing, the commute, the uncertainty at work at the time and the fact that I was dealing with a self important agent who was nothing more than a glorified typist (I won't say secretary, they actually do something of value) al put me off the idea. So I bought a car.

Don't try to follow the logic, you'll just get dizzy.

Anyway. After 3 years I've decided it might be worth putting some actual real furniture in my flat to make it look more like a place where someone lives, rather than a place someone dumps stuff and sleeps. I'm reliably informed that there is a difference.

With this new found desire to make at least one room habitable comes a minefield of accessorising. Did you know that you can go to a shop and buy decorative pebbles? That's right, decorative pebbles. Presumably from the famed pebble mines of New Guinea. The pebbles (decorative, not the unsightly ones) need to go on things with shelves and surfaces, all of which needs to match or be made to match or 'go' with other things. Pebbles, apparently, belong in a bowl on a shelf taking up space that could easily be used for DVDs, CDs, books or lost coins/picks/keys/biscuits.

The shelf (which matches the rest of the stuff) whose purpose is to support the aforementioned pebbles (decorative) should perhaps be facing a large mirror on the wall. A large mirror creates the illusion of space and creates light and, when facing pebble supporting shelves, the added illusion that you are wealthy enough to own multiple bowls of pebbles.

I even intend to buy cushions. Don't worry, I am going to get big fat cushions - mainly because whatever sofa I get will be very cheap and used or very free and used, so likely will need some comfort enhancers. They will be big, they will be fat and they will have a purpose. Not those scatter cushion things that seem to decorate people’s homes. Let me tell why they are called scatter cushions - it's because that is what happens to them the moment anyone actually wants to sit down comfortably.

When it comes to walls, I've mentioned a mirror. Probably some canvas prints. Maybe some wall hangings. Maybe a combination of all of the above. If I put an X-Men poster in a frame, is it now art?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Landmark posting

That's right! I've reached that landmark 507th post that all serious bloggers strive for!

Less knowledgable people than you discerning readers might suggest that I really should be marking the 500th post. A cynic might suggest that I didn't notice that I had passed this landmark and this is a shameless attempt to divert attention from that fact.

We all know that such people are morons and aren't to be trusted.

Who are you going to believe? Some cynical, myopic pedant or The Emperor of All the Europes?!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

An end of an Era....

I've decided to try to take something seriously - it's a shock I know, and in order to do this I've decided that to fund my new obsession I should sell some of my crap instead of just accumulating more. This is a leap of logic most people make on a daily basis, but most people are weirdos and don't understand the awesomeness of stuff!

Anyway. As one thing comes in from eBay so do some of my favourite toys go...

First to go is my Nintendo DS, chief amongst my 'Bestest gadgets of more awesomeness ever' gadgets, this is truly a sad day. Now I have a car I use the train far less, thus I use the Nintendo far less. It is an amazing toy and I hope it and the stupid collection of games goes to a new home.

Almost as difficult to lose is my XBox 360, while it's true it really isn't costing me anything as my collection of games has dwindled with each successive trade, I am also not really playing it. I pretty much just use it as a media centre to play my 'Evaluation' copy TV shows on the big screen. I am gonna bring my old PC out of retirement for that I think, I'll do something media-centrey with it perhaps - alternatively I'll sell that too and replace it with a PVR.

I'm also considering, after 3 years that perhaps my situation isn't quite as temporary as I'd first imagined and should probably sort my flat out with some less make-shift furniture and decoration. Dave moves out next week and am considering staying on my own, at least for the time being as I don't really have the time or inclination to sort another flatmate out yet.

I have to be careful not to go too far with this selling of stuff of course and resisting replacing those things which I am selling is gonna be tough. You'd think they would make some kind of patch for people like me!

Oh Glorious Day

In a private, understated ceremony today - held at an exclusive but secret 'Above the Petshop' location in the South East of England, Matt Jones was declared Ruler of All the Europes.

After noticing all of the ballyhoo, bru-haha and general finnagling and shenanigans going on in Europe, particularly around the Russian Federation of late, I decided it was time someone took charge of the situation.

The first step was to declare myself Ruler of All the Europes. Already I have made massive savings by avoiding unnecessary costs to my endeavour. By cunningly sidestepping a costly Military coup against my own government and a subsequent European war of domination, I have saved countless thousands of lives and Billions in costs.

I grant you I am not yet widely recognised as the wise and beneficent ruler that I evidently am, but I am going to pen an explanatory letter to Europe explaining their new position in the pecking order. So please help this transition into a new golden age of co-operation and understanding by donating taxes to my cause - until an official and automated taxation system is in place I will accept payments via PayPal.

Your Loving Overmaster,


Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Electric Head

Found this today:

It's pretty funny but I am more intersted in their podcast, I am gonna check it out later and will order you to listen/not listen to it then. Obey.........OBEY!

Time for the world to get louder...

I know, it's sad but I grew up on this band, from raw rusky goodness of Kill 'em All, through the proteing filled Master of Puppets and Ride the Lightning, on to the flat but inspired ....And Justice for All, the mighty Black Album. Load and ReLoad kept me going with some small morsels of past glory and whilst the rancid Stanger nearly made me vomit up my pelvis, we did get Garage Inc. and S&M to keep us going until they made something original.

I haven't been this optimistic since waiting 6 years for Load, only to have my anticipation crushed by the final product. It's a good album, it's just not 6 years good.

Anyway, it's my blog and I'll put what I want on it so nerrr!

Who turned the Page?!

After a brief dalliance with insanity 1998 with Piff Duddly, or what ever he was called that week, Jimmy Page has finally completely lost his marbles by whoring out his genius to generic popster Leona Lewis in the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. In tribute to the ruthless efficiency of the host nation, the duo are to preside over the cruel and unusual torture and ultimate death of the classic tune 'Whole Lotta Love'.

It's understood that Jimmy is to join popular boy band Blue in a surprise reunion tour at the end of the year as 'The one that isn't as pretty as the others but can play an instrument'.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

[Addendum] Olympic awesomeness

So according to the papers, following a global suspension of morals and decency, 'Team GB' is doing really well at the Olympics. I'm reliably informed that 'Team GB' is what Great Britain are called this year. I'm not sure if that applies to all of us or just those at the Olympics and if the latter, whether they get special passports or not.

Aside from from the various speed-commuting sports such as cycling and running the medal haul has been aided in no small part by the sports that are in what I like to call the 'Chinless Wonder' category. These 'sports' (and I use the term loosely) are created and designed entirely for people with titles, double barrelled names and speech impediments created by genetic flaws that are a result of a family paddling around the shallow family end of the gene pool for multiple generations. 'Sports' like pootling about in boats and horse dancing - Dressage and Yachting if you want the full titles.

I rarely get excited about the Olympics and find the fact that people are only interested in sports they've never heard of once every four years when we happen to be doing well in it. Who can forget the Curling fever that gripped the nation in the 2002 winter Olympics? It's particularly disappointing this year though because no matter how much I mock, the dedication required to become the best in the world at anything, even playing in boats or peasant baiting, is truly admirable. Unfortunately 2 facts remain:

1)The hypocrisy of the whole thing, it's truly astounding how some of these world leaders can keep a straight face when they tell you how committed to human rights they are. Maybe they should append those statements with 'Unless you have cool fireworks. Or Choreography, you can't get 16,000 people dancing in unison without a violent and despotic regime - democracy simply doesn't have that efficiency!'

2) The Olympics are REALLY fucking boring! Seriously, Iain Duncan Smith reading War & Peace boring.

Oh, and just so Jo has some consistency, please just assume that I've made some slight or insult about that American fishboy character. He's keeping up the American record breaking Olympic tradition - let's hope he doesn't keep up the other American olympic tradition of having to hand them back in a couple of years ;) -*

[Addendum]* Sarcasm aside, i do genuinely hope this, not least because I love the idea of this diet becoming the performance enhancing drug of the future. 12000 calories a day in fry-ups, the man is rapidly becoming my hero. I hear he is good at swimming too, but that's far less impressive.

Ah there it is! :D

Monday, August 18, 2008

Mental Trauma

Certain traumatic events can cause mental scarring in your life, your psyche covers up and blocks these events in an attempt to stop you going axe-happy on a trout farm*, however certain sights, sounds or smells can trigger a severe emotional response that brings the event back to mind.

I just experienced such a thing. Sitting in my office, busy doing someone elses job for them - so already in a fairly unreasonable state of mind - I have my earphones in so I can ignore my co-workers** when Kashnir by Led Zeppelin starts to play.

As soon as the opening bars kick in I am thrown back to an event: Nick and I in my flat as we record one of the few podcasts we put together. Discussing cover versions, he said these words:

"I think Puff Daddy's version of Kashmir is better that the original"

He said this with conviction - utterly serious and without a trace of sarcasm. And not in the hilarious dead-pan style of some comedians who say things utterly against God and nature in an ironic fashion. He honestly believes this to be true.

I honestly get slightly annoyed everytime I hear that song now, I am clearly disturbed!

* See Garth Marenghi for more awesome descriptive terms
**It's not that I dislike them, it's quite the opposite - the current work I am doing has put me in a dim frame of mind so want to hammer through it, I don't want to run the risk of spitting venom in the wrong direction and hitting an innocent bystander.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Go ahead, you live that stereotype.

Yeah, that's right dickhead, it's a lack of guns that causes fatal shootings.

Jo, as the only Texan I know it's your responsibility to stop these people from breeding.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Repetition is the mother of popularity

Or so radio would have us believe. I listen to BBC 6Music a lot, most mornings and pretty much relentlessly over the weekend. I really like that they seem to recruit their weekend DJs heavily from the comedy circuit. I also like that they have playlists but also 'free plays' where the DJ has free reign to play pretty much whatever they like for a number of songs during whatever show they are airing.

What I don't like - George Lamb, but then no one likes him. In fact, as far as I can tell he is universally reviled and is only listened to by Radio 1 listeners who own a digital radio and need something to listen to after Chris Moyles has finished. Being essentially 'Moyles/Mills Lite', George is the perfect choice. Seriously, tune in to 6Music after 10am and see if you can stand him and his Mockney voice for longer than 30 seconds.

George also fits into 'Don't Like' number 2: If you keep playing it, it doesn't make it any fucking better! George is a brilliant example of this; they receive a massive swarm of official complaints about him. Someone makes a website with an online petition on it begging to have him removed. None of which I engaged in for the following reason: When you do that, the marketing department don't see a talentless wanker who should be fired, along with whoever hired him. No. They see a 'controversial figure. He's not controversial, he's a talentless moron. Anyway, so then he ends up with a Sony award and he's a rising star and blahblahblah. We bring it on ourselves, I really shouldn't be so hard on George - if everyone had kept quiet and just tuned out, he would have disappeared like a fart on the breeze.

Anyway, I completely digressed here. Back to that first line 'If you keep playing it, it doesn't make it any fucking better!’ Casing point? The Verve. I truly loved Urban Hymns as an album; even the weaker tracks weren't awful. They've 'burst' back onto the scene with 'Love is Noise', a truly terrible song - not because it is so discordant or particularly badly written or even that objectionable. What it is, is instantly forgettable, so why the hell does it get so much air time?!

I know this happens all the time, but it doesn't make it any less annoying and once the first few weeks are over, it is relegated to where it belongs but seriously Richard Ashcroft already wildly overestimates his own talent and impact without having his delusions validated !

I've had a great week at work, can you tell? :D

Quarterbacks like tiny dwellings

It's true, they are always shouting about their Hut!

ha ha. I am funny.

Come on people, stick with me - it's going to get worse before it gets better - you need to ride it out like a fever or genocide.

Anyway, I just traded in a bunch of things at the local Blockbuster because the new version of Madden NFL has become available and it's time to build a new all dominating Pittsburgh Steelers franchise. Madden 08 tended to get confused after about 10 successive SuperBowls and fell over.

By 'a bunch of things', I mean old games obviously - not like vital organs or anything. I never used to get rid of old games, keeping them for 'replayability' but since I mostly lost interest in a most games (thanks to ditching my PC last year) this urge to hoard has waned somewhat and has paid for any number of new titles this year, which have subsequently been chopped in for new stuff. I wish I was that sensible with all the other crap I insist on accumulating...........

Anyway, new Madden can only mean that the new season is just around the corner and I need to start considering where I am gonna get my game fixes from!

In conclusion - LETS GO STEELERS LETS GO!*

*Seriously, I love this game but they need to sort themselves so decent chantss out.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Wine is fine..

..but whiskey's quicker.

Or so the song goes.

I've decided to make an effort to blog every day, working on the theory that if I provide enough quantity the odds would dictate that I accidentally say something funny or poignant at some point.

Anyway, whiskey. I like Irish whiskey, I am slowly working on a bottle of 12 year old Jameson's at the moment. Before that was a Bushmill's malt. It's yummy, though I am apparently a philistine because I drink it with ice. I like a few Scotch malts, but not the ones I am supposed to like. Real hardcore whiskey drinkers will bang on about Islay whiskeys, these are like drinking whiskeyfied mud and definitely an acquired taste! It is like drinking a peat fire, I don't know why this is appealing to anyone.

I think bourbon suffers from the way it is made (clean, new barrells) but maybe that's because I've only really been subjected to Jack Daniels (a product of good marketing), Jim Beam and Bulleitt. Any Americans who want to put my right about American whiskey-type products, just say so!

Incidentally I am well aware that this entry is neither witty, interesting, poignant or anything else that might make it worth reading but we have to get rid of the chaff people - before we get to the juicy wheat of literary genius!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Gary's modified Freedom delayed......

I blogged briefly about this story, a few years ago when talking Britain's 'Freedom 1.2 (beta)(TM)' and it's something I half keep my eye on, particularly this case. One thing that has become apparent is that not only this whole appeals process and taking stuff to the House of Lords is not only costly, overly time consuming and lengthy but ultimately, in cases like Gary Mckinnon - a complete waste of time.

The problem is that right now, if the US government tells the British government it wants something, then it pretty much gets it. It's like those kids you see who dominate their parents, demanding all sorts and all you are thinking as you watch is 'Just tell them to fuck off!'. Perhaps that is a bad analogy, maybe Britain is more like an abused spouse who has been broken to such a degree that they willingly and smilingly do themselves harm at the request of the abuser.

No that's a bad analogy too, they both put too much blame on the US government. Here's the correct analogy : It's like a spineless and wretched excuse for a government is allowing, no, actively inviting a foreign power to not simply influence our foreign policy but to dictate which of our citizens do and do not have rights and to what extent those rights hold sway under our own sovereign laws.

I won't go over the vomit inducing extradition treaty we signed with the US is again, but suffice to say it's a far cry from Great.

I'm not saying the US government is blameless - it's boorish, overbearing, too quick to react and a whole host of other things, but then when hasn't it been? A lot of those negatives also contribute to the positives of that country, that doesn't mean that we have to act like it's bitch!

.....Anyway I digress. Back to why all of the last 2 years was a waste of Gary's time. The appeals were always going to be rejected, partly on the basis of the extradition treaty - which doesn't require any actual evidence of wrong doing, or an indication of the victim's fate, and partly because of the spineless wretches in charge. Essentially he should have been fast-tracked the the EU court of human rights, by-passing the entire British legal system which was essentially a 2 year formality. I'm not saying that we'll get the right result - they are hit and miss at best - but it is his best chance of getting the right result.

Slow news day

Every single year this story appears in one guise or another.

Quite aside from the fact that it suggests the loss of Gertrude* as a human name is anything other than a good thing, it seems to imply some kind of crusade is in order to keep bullies in victims for years to come.

I'm sure I can't think of any reason why William, Henry, Harold, Richard or Walter were popular names in centuries past - there certainly weren't any famous Englishmen who could be considered celebrities with those names around were there? That would be insanity, it might even suggest that like most things, names move with the times. I'll grant you it isn't always for the better but all of the top 3 names this year are perfectly fine and at least if you run into anyone called Jade, Bianca or Cherice you know exactly what you're in for.

We already re-use crap from past eras - music, fashions and art - recycling the same old crap and regurgitating slight variations on a theme every 20 years or so, is there any real need to bring back pre-WWI names? If it does happen, then I insist we launch a campaign to bring back BerĂ³un, Ceowulf, Coenwahl, Hunuald, Redwald, Sebbi, Swidhelm and Wuscfrea - at least they are mroe bloody interesting and speak a little more about where all these names came from in the first place!

Or we could just go back to simpler times when we merely referred to our offspring as 'Ug!'. Of course, this also translates into 'Go and tidy your cave' and 'that's so unFAIR! I HATE you!'.

*Cows, of course, can be called Gertrude - but NOTHING else!

Defining Phrases

This story can used to illustrate the following phrases:

'Wildly misjudging your audience'
'Tawdry attempt at making an easy buck'
'Doomed to failure'

I think it also demonstrates a wild and, until now, unheard of interpretation of this phrase:

'Cult Classic'

All I'm saying is that people tend to pick a cult then stick with it, some might say religiously. I don't think if you made Pope II, a huge amount of catholics would abandon their current idol. Even if you said 'Now with 33% extra genocide, racism and Nazi gold!'.

Monday, August 11, 2008

So, How's your love life?

I get asked this by the same couple of friends on a frighteningly regular basis. I've taken to answering this question with the statement 'I recently bought an electric guitar'. I feel that this should tell anyone everything they need to know about my relationship status and, indeed, the importance I place on it.

I've discovered that it is just another way of saying 'I am single right now and will be for the foreseeable future'. I think if you hit 30 (yes I know I'm 31!)and start buying things like guitars it's a perfectly reasonable reaction for people to look at you with a mixture of amusement and pity. It's one thing buying an electric guitar, but when you buy a Jackson Randy Rhoads, which has a.......distinctive.....shape. When I reveal this information, the looks move from amusement and pity to the more familiar one I like to call the 'Of course you bought that one, what was I thinking? You're Matt' look. This is an equally reasonable reaction. At work I can be almost pathologically practical, at home......this ethos seems to go somewhat awry...

On the plus side I have a pointy black guitar, an abundance of self-delusion and an apparently equally deluded tutor who wildly overestimates my abilities.

I thought I better blog something as it's been a while and I had 10 minutes to kill before I leave work!

Don't worry, only David Lee Roth is still allowed spandex, I'll stick to hiding in my flat and annoying the neighbours ;)

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