Friday, October 21, 2005

Surreyfication Stage 1

I've decided to spend more time down here and less time harrassing people with far better things to do with their time. For this reason, Matt Borough Council are pleased to announce the Surreyfication Project 2005.

Stage one of the project is set to commence over the next few weeks as we seek to clean up and improve Matt in order to meet the challenges of the new millenium. The initial actions in Stage one are already about to begin with 'Project Defumigation' getting off to a stumbling start but is now back on track. The 'Acknowledge that London Exists' initiative is underway tomorrow with trips to both UCL (computer fair) and Tottenham Court Road in order to peruse new and shiny things with buttons. After this Matt will be taken to Camden Markets for an Official Mooch and thence he shall return to the flat. There is a possibility that the evening will involve some light libation in Central London somewhere but this remains to be seen.

The main thrust of Stage 1 involves not getting on a train every weekend to go to Hull, difficult as it may be to believe but some of my friends appear to have developed lives beyond me. So I am cutting back on official state visits before I outstay my welcome.

It's been suggested that I get a girlfriend, now while on the surface this may seem perfectly normal and sensible, it is fraught with all manner of impracticality. Allow me to elaborate:

1) While I have no real problem talking to women anymore and seem to develop phone numbers on a not infrequent basis, that's pretty much it. I think I stun them with my initial barrage of what can loosely be described as 'Conversation', in much the same way you would stun a small mammal like a squirrel with a rock. The in the dazed and confused and (hopefully) laughing state they unwittingly hand out a Licence to Stalk. They of course recover the next day and change phones. Then change identity, sex and move to Brazil just to be safe.

2) I have a habit of going out with people who are evil. I mean I am going on the assumption that all women aren't evil. Given my experience I could be forgiven for leaping to that conclusion though. I have to confess it was me who was the baddy last time around. Kind of. Although even women disagree with me on that one, but what else are friends for but to make you feel better about yourself? Anyway, to recap, either:

a)They are evil
b)I cock it up in some (always) unspecified way.
c)A combination of the above

3) Considering that except for the last 2 I've always been dumped within 2 months, there is clearly something that grinds on peoples nerves fairly quickly. Once again, this remains unspecified and I am left with those funny noises women make when they seem to think you should know something that is clearly so ambiguous they can't find the words for it. So what hope do we have?

4) One doesn't just 'Get' a girlfriend. It's not like I can go down the olive section at Tescos and pick one up there. Emi can do that, but most of us mere mortals have to put far more work and concealing of inadequacies in.

*I know this looks like a bit of mindless self deprecation and miserableness, but I can assure you I am perfectly happy while writing this, been feeling pretty good since I decided on the London Trip this afternoon.*

So because of a combination of the above points, the proposed 'Get a Girlfriend' initiative has been scrapped and replaced with the new 'Have a Laugh with Mates' sub-Project. While this project previously stood on its own, it was felt that to incorporate it into the Surreyfication Project would increase its impact.

Anyway, so that is my plan. This is in addition to the planned 'Get Ripped' work that is going to be carried out over the coming months.

If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her convicts she doesn't deserve to have any. (Oscar Wilde)


MJ said...

In an unrelated subject, Matt is the shit..... or for the brits.... Matt is the dogs bollox!!!
Long Live MATT

MattJ said...

That's very nice of you hun, you too are the Mutt's Nuts ;-)

Famulus said...

This Surreyfication sounds serious. What caused it? Too early for the male menopause. I blame women.

BTW, I have the rest of the dog, but without the nuts? What does that rate as?

MJ said...

Famulus is the bolloxless dog then

Olivia said...

I can't wait to hear of your adventures in Camden Town!

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