Thursday, November 10, 2005

Post 101

Ok, the initial plan for this momentous milestone was to provide a hilarious and entertaining post free of whining. Then it occurred to me that this would require a full personality and outlook transplant. So we'll stick with the tried and tested formula of vitriol and insults shall we? Good. Before I begin the post properly though, I'm going to impart some advice: I woke up in a stinking mood this morning, I really hate it when that happens. In order to get me to a level where I wasn't taking this unwarranted mood out on innocent bystanders I had to try and ease my mood, and I found the following statements helped me:

There's no point in being angry at someone who isn't there.

Not ideal, but it'll do until Jonny Shaw gets here and we can go have some fun.


Ok. That's the days bitch done with, now it's time for fun and laughter in the world of Matt! Well Ok it's time for me to complain about something, but it passes for the same thing in my mind. In celebration of this landmark post I will be finishing this post in a Room 101 styl-ee. See what I did there? Don't worry though, I won't be listing all my pet hates here, after all if you wanted a whole book on unconscienable complaining you could by a Biography of a Z list celebrity couldn't you? Also I'm not sure I have a 'Top 5' so you'll have to settle for 'The first 5 that pop into my head'.

Sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin:

Slight change of plan. This is the bonus of getting interrupted during writing an entry, you realise what a bad idea something is. So instead of continuing the bad mood theme, I'm going to do a reverse of Room 101 and list 5 cool things that rock beyond belief. These are things that either never fail to put a smile on my face or are just simply things that I can always rely on not to be crap. I'm not listing people for very good reason, so please don't complain about it! This is all 'Stuff':

1) Magical Trevor - You need sound on for this, I challenge you not to love it.

2) Games. This is a geeky one I know but it's great to just switch off sometimes.

3) Gym Stuff. I know I haven't joined yet but I used to love practising Karate and going to the Gym, it occupied an awful lot of time and is a great way of taking your mind off things. I hope to enjoy it as much as I used to, that's why I include it here. I know it's cheating but I don't care!

4) Writing. I really like writing this blog, it's great, especially when I get feedback or told that someone unexpected is reading it. I am very conscious of the fact that some posts, like this one and the last couple, are quite bad tempered but that's kind of the point I think. Besides, you'd have nothing to compare the better posts against without posts like this one, so what kind of yardstick could you use to measure against eh? Exactly. This is just a cunningly woven web of deceipt designed to make you think my other posts are works of comedic genius! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

5) Cooking. I really like to cook. Actually that's a lie, it's more like a form of therapy. The worse my mood the better my cooking I think. I've kind of reduced my repertoire recently to just Chilli and Curry because I only cook for myself at the moment, but I really enjoy the process of preparation and getting timings right, deciding what best to add to make the flavour better etc. It's really good, especially when you do it for someone else. Plus you get to chop things up with knives and get your hands covered in stuff. You also get to shout at people who try to interfere with your masterpiece. And everyone has to be polite and pretend they love it. Basically it's a huge ego massage.

So why the change of heart on the post? Well, basically I've read quite a few blogs. If all the person is doing is complaining all the time, even with the best will in the world, you are going to stop reading aren't you? I mean really, it's like 'Mate! I got my own troubles, go cook something and leave me alone!'. Don't get me wrong, a certain quota of complaining should always be expected in anything I post but I think continuing the theme throughout the whole thread is pushing it, and throughout the whole blog is a road that leads directly to '0 Hitsville'! Finally it makes people who don't know you think that's all there is to you and that just isn't true. While I am not in the brightest of moods today, or indeed for the last week, I'll get over it soon and I don't want the stunning* Good Mood material to go to waste having scared away my handful of readers!

*Matt Inc. would like to take this opportunity to state that the word stunning in this paragraph may not equate to the meaning associated with the English:
tr.v. stunned, stun·ning, stuns
1)To daze or render senseless, by or as if by a blow.
2)To overwhelm or daze with a loud noise.
3)To stupefy, as with the emotional impact of an experience; astound.

Rather the word in this situation derives from a word in the little known dialect of an ancient Peruvian tribe of Dung Beetle worshippers: Stu'Neeng (Pr.:'Shhtoo-neeng')
1)Primary food source of The Great Beetle God 'Pooh-eet'.
2)Description ascribed to anything spoken by the Tribal Idiot and/or Wiseman (often the roles are combined).
3)A Curry that blasphemously contains Sultanas or Raisins.


Olivia said...

Well this IS called rant-a-matt after all...
Paul Merton is quite funny in his dry way but I prefer him in Have I Got News for You. And more than that, I prefer QI overall!

I blogged once about how, when feeling moody, men cook comfort food, whereas women are more likely to avoid the kitchen and eat junk. It's because men associate casserole/lasagne/curry with the caring mother.

I did a rant today, but not on my Dispatches. It feels better to rant than not; however with the subsequent discussions I could feel another rant rising to the surface so I will have to keep it for another time.

MattJ said...

QI is genius. But, alas, not every show can have Stephen Fry in it can it?

MJ said...

Ok...few things...first of all....are English people obsessed with "1984"??? because when i was there i remember you also had a big show called "big brother", which i think was also here...but not as big as it was there...
ok...second...3 years ago your cooking was also limited to curry and don't try to make us believe that you can cook anything else...
third...i love your angry turns out that when you are upset you are funnier than you normally no worries
and forgot to list me as one of the things that make you smile...hehe....kidding....

lower said...

Hmm, surely Rugby League and the act of Ranting itself should be in that list of yours?

And "thank you" to mj for the "don't make us think you can cook anything else" comment - soo true! (sorry Matt)

Oh, and Big Brother the TV show has very little to do with 1984 other than the survialence camera thing. As to why we make a big deal about all things Orwellian, that's probably down to the scary resemblence between Orwell's nightmare of 1948 and the UK in 1984 (and since).

MattJ said...

Hmmmm. Ranting yes, RL relies on my team winning! lol!

As far as the cooking goes, just because I predominantly cook my favorite food because I am cooking for myself doesn't mean that's all I can cook. You know this to be true Richard so don't even try banging that drum at me! Maria is fogiven because in my first year all I could make was crap curry and Chilli

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