Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Southern Plague

I'm always bloody ill since I moved down here! I was fine yesterday morning. I was feeling a little rough by the time I got to the Gym. By the time I got back to the flat................ well I'm not eating. There's nothing worse than people describing their illnesses in detail, so I'll leave it there.

Anyway, it was a long night. So I had plenty of time to come up with a workable theory as to why I have become a plague ridden walking corpse. Firstly, my peasant genes aren't used to these dodgy southern germs.

Secondly, it's open revolt.

That's right, my body doesn't like being exercised at and has chosen to attack itself in order to prevent this from continuing. Well I'm not going to stand for it, it's got to learn to do as it's told so I am currently assaulting it with a heady mixture of a variety of cold remedies. I also have several varieties of soup and a raft of comfort food. That's right body, I got the whole arsenal so give it up!

The main problem I have is that I did actually attend the gym last night and did the little circuit they gave me to do. Which, and I quote, 'Works all the major Muscle Groups'. Now I had no idea that there was a language that sounds just like English only all the words mean something completely different. In this example 'Works all the major Muscle Groups', in this new language, actually means 'Tomorrow you'll feel like each bone in your boday has been broken with a toffee hammer at 1 inch intervals'.

There is a saying : 'No pain no gain!'. Personally I prefer 'no pain, no pain'. That's one of mine, just sewing the seeds here. Maybe one or two will take root.

Good news on the PC front, I have new Motherboard winging its way to me as we speak so hopefully soon I will have a shiny new PC and all will be peachy. It will be shiny. It will be quiet. It will be plush and allow me to play games with pretty explosions and such like. I hope.

I'm going to go find more drugs now.


Mike said...

'Works all the major Muscle Groups'

Indeed it may, but this should have given you an early hint of what to expect. As a programmer and gamer, the only muscles you use are the ones in your hands (mouse movement, etc) and face (shouting at the screen when something goes wrong). What didn't register in your fragile little mind is that the guy at the gym doesn't see computer gaming and lifting a can of Stella as valid forms of exercise, and fails to notice that your definition of "major muscle groups" are the two I've already mentioned.

The other thing you failed to notice that most of the exercise machines at the gym are actually remnants of the devices once utilised by the Inquisition to extract confessions and to generally inflict pain which remained popular throughout history. One of the methods Mathew Hopkins the Witchfinder General used to extract confessions from the obviously guilty (but not willing to admit it) witches was to set them to "running". This bascially consisted of having them run round round in circles to exhaustion. Perhaps you encountered something similar to this test last night? Did you feel like saying you had a black stoat and a weasel as your familiars at any point last night?

So just be careful; you're not used to this "exercise" lark. One of the biggest "management" killers is golf. They do sod all all week and then walk miles and miles swinging a metal club about. Their body isn't used to the sudden exercise, their heart goes "Oi! No!" and they quite rightly expire on the spot. While I'd never suggest you were the sort of person who would play golf (and sorry for using that four-letter word on your blog) all exercise comes with hidden dangers:

1) It's really really hard work to start with and you might expire.
2) It's really really hard work to start with and you might expire.
3) Gyms are run by members of the Inquisition who want to break you mentally as well as physically.
4) Muscle groups that have atrophied don't like the sudden rush of blood they receive when you try and revive them using the necromantic ritual of "circuit training".

Of course, it does have significant benefits if you survive the first few weeks, so stick at it. And forgive me if I laugh at your suffering at any point over the next couple of months.

Olivia said...

Mike, are you in IT? If so, shush!

Matt - don't give up, pleeeeeez. A body unused to exercise is bound to protest. Also, don't forget to rehydrate yourself.

It won't be easy at first, then when you break through, you will be so glad you did.
What sort of punishing regimen did you put yourself through? You should be starting out slowly. (Yoga, anyone?)

MattJ said...

Mike -lol! Don't worry, I am one of the innocent and have no urges to confessing to owning a familiar.

Olivia -Don't worry, this post isnt about my giving up. It's hard right now because of thsi plague I appear to have contracted but rather than wait for it to pass I am going to go get more drugs for my arsenal. My body will be put in its place don't worry about that! I am consiodering the Yoga, there is a class on Wednesday nights and it might be agood mid-week break.

The regime wasn't that harsh. Did 10 minutes on the Treadmill ranging from brisk walk to light Jog, then about 5 mins on the cross trainer, al to warm me up. Then I used the weights machines for Forward Row, Shoulder Press, Leg Curl (ow), Leg press and some others I forget. 2 sets of 15 reps. Then I did another 10 mins on the bike and a bunch of stretching. Oh, and sit ups on a squidgy ball.

Mike said...

I got shushed :(

Olivia said...

LOL, a momentary thrill Mike, it's not often I get to shush anyone.

Matt - not a bad routine. Don't forget to warm up and cool down with stretching and breathing. And I can't say it enough, drink water.
While I'm at it, did you give up smoking?

And no, I am not the Official Rant-a-Matt Finger-Wagger!
Here is a big smile to prove it:


MJ said...

advise.....tredmill is very very bad for your knees....if they have elipticals i would advise you to do those....

MattJ said...

Lol! Welcome to the Matt routine fitness advice centre! lol!

I'm only using the treadmill as warm up really, and only really for wlaking and light jogging. By elipticals I;m thinking you mean Cross Trainer Maria? the thing you use your arms for as well? I am gonna use that more.

I havent quite quit smoking no Olivia, I do fine until I go out and start drinking. I am gopiong to get help from the docs in a little whilem but she advised me not to try until my life is a little more stable as if I quit and start again I'm likely to smoke more.

I dont smoke a lot right now, literally up to 5 a day, unless I amout drinking as I say. Oh and i currently have a cupboard full of bottle water as part of my 'dinking proper fluids' regime. Stretching and breathing is abouthe only thing i do right I think because of all the Martial Arts I used to do all those years ago. The only reason I am not crippled right now is because I spent 20 minutes stretching before I left!

Thnaks for all teh advice though guys, keep it coming I need all the help i can get!

Olivia said...

Well done, Matt.
I did want to say the other day that it's best for you not to jog at all if you don't have to.
It is indeed bad for your knees.

Olivia said...

P.S. Hope you're feeling better today.

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