Thursday, May 10, 2007

Tales from the Crypt

I turned 30 last Sunday and I am feeling surprisingly spritely. I think you'll agree that there are only a handful of plausible explanations for my apparent good health:

Reason 1: Inspired by my grasp of fingerpaints, my parents decided I was a child prodigy but they realised that the school (run by The Man, cunningly disguised as Mrs Jones) would not accept one so young. They forged my records and claimed I am older than I am. Once they realised their error in judgement regarding my cognitive ability, it was too late to rectify the situation.

This would place me at least a year younger than my published age of 30 and also explain my poor choices in secondary school. It all fits.....

Reason 2: Aliens.

No explanation required....it all fits....

Reason 3: It's entirely possible Mephistopholes was around on Saturday during the celebrations and, at a loose end, bargained for my immortal soul, granting me extra time before my spiral into the clutches of Death.

If this is the case, he kind of loses because I am already dead inside. Of course, that in itself may be the result of another contract I signed in a similar drunken stupor with another Infernal bargain-hunter. If this is the case then I could get a few more years just out of the legal wrangling alone. This would make me a genius (see 1) and also it all fits.........

Reason 4: I have mastery over time. Evidence? All my favourite things from the 80s are cool again!

Granted my mastery looks like it only extends to what I deem cool, seems incapable of bringing back my flat stomach and also has brought back pastel yellow as a fashion choice for men. Every power has it's limits, so this .....all fits.



Me after my birthday celebrations, I'm told you can't see any wrinkles or grey hairs...

3 comments:

Famulus said...

Last Saturday I reached 42.

Nothing fits...

Olivia said...

Oof, you aren't aging well, Matt...

Olivia said...

and...Happy Belated Birthday...!

 
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