Southern Plague

I'm always bloody ill since I moved down here! I was fine yesterday morning. I was feeling a little rough by the time I got to the Gym. By the time I got back to the flat................ well I'm not eating. There's nothing worse than people describing their illnesses in detail, so I'll leave it there.

Anyway, it was a long night. So I had plenty of time to come up with a workable theory as to why I have become a plague ridden walking corpse. Firstly, my peasant genes aren't used to these dodgy southern germs.

Secondly, it's open revolt.

That's right, my body doesn't like being exercised at and has chosen to attack itself in order to prevent this from continuing. Well I'm not going to stand for it, it's got to learn to do as it's told so I am currently assaulting it with a heady mixture of a variety of cold remedies. I also have several varieties of soup and a raft of comfort food. That's right body, I got the whole arsenal so give it up!

The main problem I have is that I did actually attend the gym last night and did the little circuit they gave me to do. Which, and I quote, 'Works all the major Muscle Groups'. Now I had no idea that there was a language that sounds just like English only all the words mean something completely different. In this example 'Works all the major Muscle Groups', in this new language, actually means 'Tomorrow you'll feel like each bone in your boday has been broken with a toffee hammer at 1 inch intervals'.

There is a saying : 'No pain no gain!'. Personally I prefer 'no pain, no pain'. That's one of mine, just sewing the seeds here. Maybe one or two will take root.

Good news on the PC front, I have new Motherboard winging its way to me as we speak so hopefully soon I will have a shiny new PC and all will be peachy. It will be shiny. It will be quiet. It will be plush and allow me to play games with pretty explosions and such like. I hope.

I'm going to go find more drugs now.

Attendance required

Paying extortionate fees and putting on sportswear isn't enough I'm told. Bugger. Apparently I have to do regular exercise while at the gym too. This smacks suspiciously of work to me but I guess I'll give it a go. I am heading down there after work for an hour or so, I have no doubt I will be in immense pain tomorrow.

I had a good weekend with Jon, we basically drank lots and talked about 'stuff'. It was good. We were invited to a party in Guildford on Saturday, which began very promisingly in that it was meant to be complete with about 50 nursing students. Unfortunately the organiser had failed to get the permission of whoever he needed permission off and the party was shut down at about 9:30pm. This sucked, but not to be deterred a bunch of us went off to the local bar and proceeded to drink heavily, then Jon and I went off to stay at my friend Lees house. Was good fun all round.

I was meant to be going home to Wales on the 26th for Pete's birthday but I don't think that will happen now, I'm much more keen on going up this weekend. As far as I'm concerned, as long as I get to see the guy, the date is fairly irrelevent, it's not so much the night out its the 4am 'We've just fixed the whole world, how did no one else think of that?' conversations that is important.

I'm actually talking on MSN with the man himself as I write this, so plans are being made as I type! ooooooh! Interactive!

OK so here's the situation. GB are playing the Tri-Nations in Rugby League, we started off as dire as we would expect but now things are looking pretty hot. Basically the situation is this - last week we spanked New Zealand, this makes the last pre-final test a fantastic one. We play Australia. If we lose or win by less than 3 points its Australia Vs NZ in the final. If we win by 3 - 8 points it's GB Vs Australia and 8 points or more and it's GB Vs NZ. So it's all pretty close. Another good reason to head off this week

Anyway, Pedr also has an excellent suggestion for the creationism post but getting him to post anything is really difficult and thus you are all so often denied his genius.

Awesome quote supplied by Maria:

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

Disappointed

I went to the Gym today and did some exercise. There is no noticeable difference in my physique, this is most disturbing. I am assuming that in order for the rippled God-like figure to fully develop I'll need to sleep and something happens over night.

Creative Genius

Inkeeping with todays theme of creativity I am going to tell you of some unsung Heroes, undiscovered talent that has been overlooked by the wider world. Their ideas have either been shunned or stolen and I bring them to you here. Aren't I good?

Long before the Mars ice Cream was invented my cousin Emma was way ahead of the game. When I was little my mum did her shopping on a Friday night, then in the evening we would be given the Friday treats that she had purchased. This was usually some kind of chocolate, some novelty savoury snack and a drink. All of this and the A-team, what more could you need? Anyway, on one occasion the cousin came over from Trefnant for some reason or other and she was included in our little ritual. I was horrified to discover her slicing up here Mars Bar and depositing it in the coldest part of the fridge instead of shoving it as quickly as possible into her gaping maw like a civilised human being. My perturbation turned to despair an hour or so later when she was sitting there with a plate of Semi-frozen Mars Bar that seemed to last forever. Anyway, all I'm saying is that a few years later Mars Ice Creams were developed, so she was clearly a Visionary.

Just before I continue I need to stop any expectation that a couple of people may have. Emi, Hannah - the Helium filled Bra will not be featuring here. I'm sorry.

Jelly Tots. These aren't given nearly enough press.

I also have a vague recollection of Pints of Coke with ice cream in them and deciding these were the dogs bollox. I find the idea repulsive beyond belief now so it's possible it is some kind of repressed nightmare where I developed a penchant for things that were hideous in every way.

Vimto. I really shouldn't have to say more than that.

I appear to have developed quite a lot of work, so I will have to complete this reminiscence another time. Bugger.

Creationism Part II -

After attacking the Creationist buffoons of Kansas in my previous postings, it's time to even the balance. A fine point was made by Amateur Theologian, Mike, in the comments section of the previous post dealing with this subject. For those of you too bone idle to go check it out (although you should, it's very entertaining) I will summarise here for you.

Given that Creationism suggests that a 'Higher Power' cobbled together a whole world and it's internal Gubbins all in 7 days then Mike suggests that it should be no trouble for this Divine Being to knock a few new animals together for us. We both agree that the standard creatures we've enjoyed over the years have their place but are actually quite dull. It's time for some originality, some new and interesting creatures for our entertainment. If we don't like some of the new creatures this 'Higher Power' produces we can just do what we did with all the other rubbish animals and hunt them to extinction!

So come on Higher Power, pull your finger out and give us some new animals!

Now I am going to reproduce current suggestions for new animals, please feel free to add your own in the comments and I will continually update this post whenever a worthy new animal is put forward.

Animal by Mike, named by Matt

The Squow:

I'm glad to see that Creationist viewpoints are finally being recognised as valid. This obviously means that soon this "higher power" will get bored and make some new animals and stuff; after all, the ones we've already got are pretty tedious (why else would we make them extinct)?

I look forward to the day that I open my bedroom curtains and gaze down upon some brand new creation that this "higher power" has cobbled together overnight. I mean, if as some sources would have us believe, higher powers can make a world in a few days, surely they can build some sort of cow/squirrel cross for our amusement in a single evening?

Talk about resting on your laurels! Get off your idle butt, "higher power" and give us some new species to endanger! NOW!

It should be noted that a modification to the Squow was suggested that would introduce elements of larger cats to improve their Evil Grey Squirrel Squishing capabilities. Thus the new animal would have the 'Speed of the Puma/Poooma'. This new hybrid would be called the MooSquooma.

My own humble suggestion is as folows:

The Chew-ow-aaaaargh!

Personally I am in favour of some kind of Lycanthropic creature. You know? Like a Chihuahua that transforms into some slavering beast whenever it hears the word 'Diddums' or something similar and proceeds to rend and devour it's stupid owner. This has the added bonus of ensuring the extermination of Paris Hilton.

Come on God! you've got two diamond suggestions now! You don't even have to do your own thinking! Bring on the Squows and Chew-ow-aaarghs! and chuck in some flying monkeys while you're at it!

Come on people! Our divine being is clearly out of practice, lets give him as many ideas as we can so that his creative juices get flowing. If we get enough support perhaps we can all soon be enjoying a world where the gentle Squow roams free, skipping from branch to branch and chewing the cud! More importantly Paris Hilton may be a thing of the past!

Post 101

Ok, the initial plan for this momentous milestone was to provide a hilarious and entertaining post free of whining. Then it occurred to me that this would require a full personality and outlook transplant. So we'll stick with the tried and tested formula of vitriol and insults shall we? Good. Before I begin the post properly though, I'm going to impart some advice: I woke up in a stinking mood this morning, I really hate it when that happens. In order to get me to a level where I wasn't taking this unwarranted mood out on innocent bystanders I had to try and ease my mood, and I found the following statements helped me:

There's no point in being angry at someone who isn't there.

Not ideal, but it'll do until Jonny Shaw gets here and we can go have some fun.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok. That's the days bitch done with, now it's time for fun and laughter in the world of Matt! Well Ok it's time for me to complain about something, but it passes for the same thing in my mind. In celebration of this landmark post I will be finishing this post in a Room 101 styl-ee. See what I did there? Don't worry though, I won't be listing all my pet hates here, after all if you wanted a whole book on unconscienable complaining you could by a Biography of a Z list celebrity couldn't you? Also I'm not sure I have a 'Top 5' so you'll have to settle for 'The first 5 that pop into my head'.

Sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin:



Slight change of plan. This is the bonus of getting interrupted during writing an entry, you realise what a bad idea something is. So instead of continuing the bad mood theme, I'm going to do a reverse of Room 101 and list 5 cool things that rock beyond belief. These are things that either never fail to put a smile on my face or are just simply things that I can always rely on not to be crap. I'm not listing people for very good reason, so please don't complain about it! This is all 'Stuff':

1) Magical Trevor - You need sound on for this, I challenge you not to love it.

2) Games. This is a geeky one I know but it's great to just switch off sometimes.

3) Gym Stuff. I know I haven't joined yet but I used to love practising Karate and going to the Gym, it occupied an awful lot of time and is a great way of taking your mind off things. I hope to enjoy it as much as I used to, that's why I include it here. I know it's cheating but I don't care!

4) Writing. I really like writing this blog, it's great, especially when I get feedback or told that someone unexpected is reading it. I am very conscious of the fact that some posts, like this one and the last couple, are quite bad tempered but that's kind of the point I think. Besides, you'd have nothing to compare the better posts against without posts like this one, so what kind of yardstick could you use to measure against eh? Exactly. This is just a cunningly woven web of deceipt designed to make you think my other posts are works of comedic genius! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

5) Cooking. I really like to cook. Actually that's a lie, it's more like a form of therapy. The worse my mood the better my cooking I think. I've kind of reduced my repertoire recently to just Chilli and Curry because I only cook for myself at the moment, but I really enjoy the process of preparation and getting timings right, deciding what best to add to make the flavour better etc. It's really good, especially when you do it for someone else. Plus you get to chop things up with knives and get your hands covered in stuff. You also get to shout at people who try to interfere with your masterpiece. And everyone has to be polite and pretend they love it. Basically it's a huge ego massage.


So why the change of heart on the post? Well, basically I've read quite a few blogs. If all the person is doing is complaining all the time, even with the best will in the world, you are going to stop reading aren't you? I mean really, it's like 'Mate! I got my own troubles, go cook something and leave me alone!'. Don't get me wrong, a certain quota of complaining should always be expected in anything I post but I think continuing the theme throughout the whole thread is pushing it, and throughout the whole blog is a road that leads directly to '0 Hitsville'! Finally it makes people who don't know you think that's all there is to you and that just isn't true. While I am not in the brightest of moods today, or indeed for the last week, I'll get over it soon and I don't want the stunning* Good Mood material to go to waste having scared away my handful of readers!


*Matt Inc. would like to take this opportunity to state that the word stunning in this paragraph may not equate to the meaning associated with the English:
stun
tr.v. stunned, stun·ning, stuns
1)To daze or render senseless, by or as if by a blow.
2)To overwhelm or daze with a loud noise.
3)To stupefy, as with the emotional impact of an experience; astound.

Rather the word in this situation derives from a word in the little known dialect of an ancient Peruvian tribe of Dung Beetle worshippers: Stu'Neeng (Pr.:'Shhtoo-neeng')
1)Primary food source of The Great Beetle God 'Pooh-eet'.
2)Description ascribed to anything spoken by the Tribal Idiot and/or Wiseman (often the roles are combined).
3)A Curry that blasphemously contains Sultanas or Raisins.

Creationists, proof that Evolution has a lot of work to do....

"Everyone is entitled to their opinion, even if they are an idiot". Wise words.

I have no objection to grown men and women believing in Creationism. I do object to them inflicting such fairy tales on impressionable young minds as fact.

"I believe God created me in one day!"......"Yup, looks like he rushed it" - Bill Hicks

I think someone should start a petition to get Hansel and Grettel taught in History class. Or maybe 'Ancient Egypt: How the Pyramids were built by UFO's'. That's a good one. Basically what these barely simian, sub-literate, fanatically obsessed, 'It's in this book so it must be true!' retards are saying is this:
"We have no way of proving our version of events, but luckily it is so ludicrous that no one can disprove it either! So what we propose is that we debunk the work of someone far more worthwhile than ourselves in order to make our children stupid, just so that they fit nicely into our ideology"

Maybe Darwins theory isn't complete but at least there is substantial evidence to support it. The barely more than 1% genetic difference between Humans and Apes for instance?

No doubt one argument these people will use is 'Where's the missing link?'. I suggest you look in the mirror.

I don't mean any offence to real Christians, I know I always labour this point but it is an important one. It's the difference between a Muslim and those that blow themselves up, they aren't Muslims no matter how many times they read the Koran. Equally these reactionary fossils have no place in modern society.

What makes this even more infuriating is that the parents don't want their kids taught this garbage, the teachers don't want to spout it and all the respected experts involved speak of its folly in the strongest possible terms. So why are these untrained, unknowledgable chimps (sorry, Creations in The Image Of Our Lord) left in charge of these kids education?

[Edit] Sod it! Just realised that this is my 100th post! Damned Reich Wing Christians (Thanks for that one Jo) ruining my 100th post celebrations! Fear Not, I will treat it like the Millenium, i.e it doesn't start until 101. I'll do a celebration post of the beginning of my second century, how's that?[/Edit]

Weekend Colour

I have a friend called Mike, he's very funny, very clever and generally a good guy. He is one of my oldest and closest friends whom I value above most others. His organisational skills, however, make me look like Sun Tzu in comparison. I was meant to go and see him this weekend but he has double booked with another, clearly lesser, friend. This usurper has booked time off work and everything, it would also appear that Mike made this arrangement months ago but had since slept and forgotten about it. He doesn't even like beer and curry, what are they going to do all weekend?

Every cloud though folks, Jonny Shaw is coming down on a last minute visit. This is a very good thing, he's another old friend who it will be awesome to see. You may remember that I went up to visit him and Pete a few weeks ago and left you all a vague promise of Photos? Well they are still on their way, so don't worry, I just haven't got around to it yet. Anyway he is coming down, ostensibly for me to cheer him up but I can assure you the effect will be mutual.

This also marks the first visit by one of my friends to my Surrey abode so I am really quite pleased, though one visitor in 5 months is hardly a high score! When you move you get an awful lot of people promising to visit (some of whom you actually believe!), some on an almost weekely basis but there is always a reason why they can't make it. Apart from a few exceptions you can put your mind to better use by not listening to these reasons and substitute whatever words are coming out their mouths with 'Can't be arsed'.

It's morning and I am in a particularly concentrated morning mood today, so sorry for the vitriol here.

Got a vaguely promising PC update, they have recieved the 'Faulty' Motherboard, now I only have to hope they don't find out what is wrong with it so they send me a new one and then I will actually have my new PC! Or they will decide there is nothing wrong with it and charge me to have it sent back. Or they will decide it was my fault and refuse to replace it.

Tell you what, I will post again later when I am in a better mood, I can't even raise caustic wit at the moment. More coffee.

New Blog Toy

Got this new thing. It's meant to plot the location of visitors so I can see where my readers are. All very cool, no idea if I've used it properly though so bear with me while I move the script about until it works! Here it is anyway.

Feeling decidedly Beige

I probably don't need to explain what this means because the word Beige immediately conjures images of banal adequacy to me, so I assume it does for everyone else. It's when nothing major is going wrong but nothing is going right either. Nothing is happening at all in fact. Beige is a crap colour, not because it's gaudy or clashes or anything else, it's because of it's overall quality as a non-colour.
It's the colour you paint your house when you want to sell it so that prospective buyers can easily imagine what colours they would paint the rooms. 'As soon as we get in we can get rid of that hideous beige colour!'. It's the colour of middle aged, middle class womens woolen sweaters, when they've reached that age where they've visited their 'little place' in Portugal so many times , their skin tone now matches most of their dreary wardrobe.

It's a Rover.

Ok, dreary Beige whinge over. Good though wasn't it? I'm quite impressed with the level of bitterness there.

The Doctor was suitably cursory today so getting her to say my shoulder is fine was a doddle! Go Me! This means I can join the Gym once she has signed the form. She was actually very nice and cheery, a quality I am not used to finding in GPs.

I think I'll report her, I'm sure it's against the rules.

They are, however, going to charge me for them to sign the bit of paper which says I am fine. I considered explaining to the receptionist my logical reasoning as to why this signature should not in fact cost me a tenner. Let's say I don't cough up and as a result cannot join said gym. I won't get my required exercise, continue in my Spiral of Beigeness thus becoming more ill more frequently and end up a massive financial burden on the NHS. If, however, they waive this small charge I will actually be saving the honest tax payer thousands of pounds in future medical costs.

I judged that my logic would be lost on the poor, harried girl. There were half a dozen people in the waiting room with a combined age of 863, she had enough troubles without my Ray of Morning Sunshine adding to them.

So now I have to wait a few days for this form to filter through to get signed, which means my gym membership has been put back again. I've booked in for Saturday afternoon, this gives me an opportunity to go to Epsom to buy some kind of jogging trousers or something. None of the sports shops have what I want though - it's all Chav wear or short shorts, trust me this would not be pretty. What I need is a Martial Arts supplier, the training trousers are really comfy and tough and are multi purpose. And they cover my knees, take my word for it that this is always a good thing.

So the PC? The Motherboard was collected yesterday, now I have to wait for them to test it and hopefully send me a replacement. I have my fingers crossed and plan to harrass them all week until I get an answer. The new game I bought in celebration of my new Geeky Graphical capabilities is sitting on the side, taunting me with it's Uberness.

This does appear to be a littany of wrongness doesn't it? hmmmmm. Oh! At least one fo the PC bits does work, I put it in the old machine for the time being so now I have access to TV. This in itself is a problem because I don't really watch TV, but it's handy for the few shows I do like when I remember to watch them. I am a bit crap with things like that, I signed up to Amazon rental then kept hold of one DVD for 3 weeks thus losing the full benefit of one months subscription. I think there is some kind of wiring problem in my brain that makes me forget even the most simple of tasks. On the plus side I have now sent the disk back and am looking forward to my delivery of Kung Fu Hustle, an awesome film. I urge you all to watch it, it's incredibly funny and ludicrous beyond belief.

OK, that's it for now. Thanks to Maria and Laura for shouting at me to update, nice to know there are people who read regularly and actually care if I update or not!

Amazon, Play and Divorcing Parents

OK so I am in a very Bloggy mood today, nobody is forcing you to read this! I know the title is a little confusing, so allow me to explain.

Often if I am bored, annoyed or in some other way experiencing some negative emotion of any kind, I feel the urge to browse through things that I would like to own. Occasionally I will buy something that I shouldn't buy, certainly for the price. Usually though, I buy things that are 'bargains' and can thus, in quite a womanly fashion, count the discount as a 'saving'. With me so far? Good.

Now, the important thing to note here is that my purchases generally increase in direct proportion to the decrease in my mood. This is where the Divorcing parents bit comes in. It's been noted that divorcing parents will often attempt to buy the affections of their offspring with material items, even going so far as to be in direct competition with one another. This is how I feel about Play and Amazon. See, I've been buying my DVDs from Play of late because they are absolute bargains and delivery is included in the cost. I've been bribed across but also they are evilly making me spend my money.

Yes Rich, they are making me do it, Quiet at the back.

Now I went on today just to check an order I have lodged at Play and I notice that the 3rd Lord of The Rings movie, extended verison, was going for around £13. Bargain. So I check the trilogy Box set which I've been waiting to come down in price. £30. Uber Bargain!

I came to, just before I clicked the 'Confirm Order' button and stopped myself. I went across to Amazon, just for a look. They had it for about £3 less, not much I'll grant you but a psycological blow that won them back their errant child. I also bought The Ode Less Travelled by Stephen Fry, discussed in my previous post. Yes, Lord Of The Rings may be very geeky, but it also rocks so bite me.

You see how I am a mere pawn in the bitter rivalry between these two companies?

And that's what I plan to tell the bank manager. What do you think?

Stephen Fry is a Legend

They are coming to get my 'Faulty' motherboard on Monday. Hopefully they will just send me a replacement so I can get on with my quest for techy domination!

I am considering going on one of them Speed Dating things. They are supposed to be really good fun, especially if you take a friend or two. So I am going to inform a colleague or two that they will be joining me. Think I should be able to persuade Lee to come along too, that way we can turn it into a philisophical discussion at a club afterwards. It's not to get a girlfriend you understand, we've discussed that relative disaster area before, it's more to prove a theory.

Okay on to the reason for the post Title. I was watching Jonathon Ross last Friday mainly because I knew that Stephen Fry was one of his guests. Not only one of the cleverest men in the world but a very funny man to boot. The discussion went onto his new book, The Ode Less Travelled. Basically it's a 'How to Write Poetry' book, one which I am considering buying in a vain stab at depth. I'm drifting from my point. Stephen started talking about language and how wonderful it is, moving onto youth basically inventing words. One word his nephew was using was 'Chillax'. A combination of Chill and Relax. Now Ross started spluttering about it being a stupid word and I found myself agreeing with him, but Fry countered brilliantly:

Fry: Why do you object to these words being melded together so?
Ross: Well it's just lazy isn't it Stephen?
Fry: Yet you don't object to my use of the word Meld in my previous sentence:
Ross: errrmmm What? (Ok I'm Paraphrasing)
Fry: Meld started life as nothing more than an amalgamation of the words Melt and Weld, as described int the Oxford English Dictionary. Yet here you are decrying the very same method being used on two other words

Another brilliant nephew anecdote was the said child saying 'you're really book!'. Which is very confusing, but apparently it's to do with text messaging. Some T9 dictionaries pop up with the word 'book' before 'cool'. Obviously the life of a teenager is far too hectic for the word to be changed, so book now means cool. Either that or the nephew in question is as clever as Uncle Fry and it's a brilliantly executed wind up. Either way I like the story.

Basically the conversation was about language snobbery. Something I am extremely guilty of, and I think many of us who claim to know English very well are the same. Stephen Fry (someone with an initimate knowledge of language) sees things differently, we have a constantly evolving language that is infinitely more robust than any other in the world. As he says 'Compare the population of China to the Population of any other country, that is how the number of words in the English language compare to any other'. Our language is a mixture of Germanic slang, Celtic dialect, French, Italian, Greek. Pretty much anything, and it evolves daily. So I'm going to try and stop being such a snob.

Americans should still stop using 'z's where they have no business being though.

And text language is just wrong.

As part of my 'Stephen Fry is Great' campaign, I will be quoting him for a while. For those of you clever enough to know the quote, yes I do know the one about 'Quotation being a serviceable substitute for wit' but I don't care. Here's a choice extract from a fairly famous and quite lengthy rant about Estate Agents:

"Estate agents. You can't live with them, you can't live with them. The first sign of these nasty purulent sores appeared round about 1894. With their jangling keys, nasty suits, revolting beards, moustaches and tinted spectacles, estate agents roam the land causing perturbation and despair. If you try and kill them, you're put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them."

Highly Trained Professional

4 years at University studying Computer Science. Impressive eh?

So the computer still doesn't work. After extensive testing and consultation with the guys in the office I have discovered the primary source of the fault. I'm an idiot. It's a wonder I can walk and breathe at the same time, it really is!

Ok, it's not that bad but I did perform a 'school boy error'. Basically I followed the instructions but the instructions left out a fairly crucial point which resulted in me frying the motherboard. For those of you not of a technical mind, this is not a good thing. Ho-Hum. So now I am going to send it back and hopefully get a replacement with minimum fuss, though I am not holding my breath. Obviously I am going to lie shamelessly in an attempt to achieve this goal. Hopefully nothing else has been knackered as a result, I will find out when the new bit arrives. So let this be a lesson kids, don't play with delicate electronic equipment when you only have a vague idea of what you're doing and a head cold.

Strangely the fact that Red Leader bought a Rover still seems worse to me than my abject incompetence. Clearly I have a highly advanced Ego Defence Mechanism.

I was reminded of a quote yesterday. I definitely said it, I remember the incident distinctly. I don't believe I'm clever enough to have come up with it myself though, so let's just assume I have pinched it or modified it from somewhere. If no one can find it anywhere else then I am clearly a genius.

Never argue with stupid people. They will just drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Quotes

It's been pointed out that I have been mssing my quotes recently. I remembered something that I said to someone years ago. Another American actually, Maria knows her, girl called Lyndsey who was seeing a friend of mine. It was end of term and everyone in the world had gone home except for me. Anyway, she had been to Spain and she came by for a few beers before she headed off back stateside. I completely forget the context and we were both drunk but I remember she had this book that she wrote stuff in about people she'd met over here. Under my name was justa bunch of crap that I had come out with, pride of place was this quote:

There's a fine line between love and nausea

I liked it, and she didn't stop laughing for a while so that's good enough for me.

Bird 'Man' Flu

I had a chicken Vindaloo on Monday. I had a chicken pie yesterday. Today I am in the icy grip of some foul disease. I'm just saying is all.

Maybe I should have asked if the chicken looked a bit under the weather before it was killed. Mind you, I imagine anything heading towards a big steel choppy thing isn't exactly going to be feeling tip-top. Hehe, tip-top is a great phrase.

So my computer doesn't work. You'll notice the lack of blogging on the subject, I decided against it as I quite like people reading my blog and none of you have been complaining of insomnia. Anyway, back to the point. It doesn't work. On the plus side it doesn't appear to be broken either. It makes all the right whirry noises, all the fans that I want to spin are spinning and the little lights go on and most importantly it makes a single happy little 'beep' when it boots up. A single beep is a good thing, more than one is generally not so good. I say that's most important, perhaps equally important is getting a picture on the monitor. This I have spectacularly failed to do. I have no idea why and neither, it appears, has anyone else. The most technical advice I have received is 'pull bits out and put them back in again'.

This appears to be a very basic and unsatisfactory instruction manual for sex more than anything else, but I will give it a go. With computer bits obviously, not my own. That would be wrong on several dozen levels.

Red Leader has bought one of these. Now it's very important that if you comment on it, you refer to it as a Rover 25. The resaons for this are threefold:

1) Red Leader insists that MGs are not Rovers despite them being built in the same plants as Rovers, using the same chassis and shells as Rovers and sold by the same people as Rovers. It's a Rover, spread the word and get everyone to call it a Rover. It may not seem like much but I will find it really funny, so go on do it for me!

2) It's a bloody Rover!

3) It's a Rover with a few bits of plastic and a fatter engine!

Ok, I am going to go back to work now. I may be able to blog later if I get my PC working. Otherwise I won't. I'm sorry, are your eyes OK? I think I just delivered a Blinding Flash of The Obvious.

Some wierd instruction thing

I nicked this. I haven't got around to 'tagging' anyone else (I assume that is some term to disguise the evil chain letter nature of this! lol!).

Follow the instructions
1. Delve into your blog archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. find the 5th sentence
4. post the text of the sentence in your blog along with instructions:
Ponder it for meaning, subtexts or hidden agendas.
5. tag 5 people.

Actually I tell a lie, the one thing I didnt iron I chose to wear to work to day, probably some subconscious effort not to ruin all my good work.

hmmm. I'll leave the pondering to you and the tagging for later.

[Edit] Apologies to Olivia, I nicked this off her blog but was too bone idle to do links and stuff yesterday.[/Edit]

Back from the Promised Land

Well I am returned from Hull after another good weekend, I think I just like going to parties looking like a pimp because I am with at least two hot women at any one time. This isn't bragging it just happens that the two people I hang round with most when I go to Hull are my friends Hannah and Emi, who just so happen to be Uber-fit hotties. You can imagine the confused looks when people see me with them. Gets even better when Kirsty has time out from work to join us, I look like a proper playboy then!

So yeah, selfish ego boost but what are you going to do eh?

Had to go to the Magistrates Court yesterday to receive sentence on my speeding offence. I got caught speeding on the Motorway on when I moved down here properly in July, I was going through a temporary speed limit and rather than paying attention to road signs I just follwed the traffic. Anyway, point is I broke the law and didn't have a legitimate excuse for it. I also got caught on camera so I got points for that too, as you can see this was a very good day. So, my first ever driving offence in like 11 years. So I go to court and they disqualified me from driving for 7 weeks and landed me with a fine. Sad thing is, if I had grovelled and lied they would have been more lenient, but because I said 'I'm sorry, I have reasons but nothing that excuses my breaking the law' they kicked me squah in the nuts. That's what comes of having the untrained Middle Classes in positions of minor power I guess.

Bothered not a jot though because I got home and was greeted with three despatch notes telling me my computer bits are arriving today, so I'm very happy at the moment. This euphoria will last until I break something shiny and expensive, watch this space. The entertainment involved in blogging the PC build has been scuppered due to the non-purchase of Lego men. Sorry.

Ok, I was going to write another bit here but will do it in a new post.

Interruption of your regular programming..

I'm off up to Hull again this evening for the Halloween weekend. I have a party tomorrow and I've been promised Sunday lunch round Emi's parents house too so that is looking really good. The party should be awesome, lots of people I haven't seen in an absolute age so really looking forward to it.

I am going to make the most of this visit as I'm not sure when I'll be able to go up again. Certainly before Christmas but everyone has exams and coursework towards the end of term, so scheduling becomes more important. That's not to say that I am not going to accept visitors myself of course, but as the end of term approaches the chances of that happening reduce for much the same reasons.

Also I really should visit the parents and my other friends back home in Wales as I'm pretty sure my mum has put my face on the side of Milk cartons due to my extended absence!

I am visiting Mike on the weekend of the 11th for a few evenings of Art House Cinema, fine Cuisine and Gourmet beverages.

That's crap films, curry and Stella to you lot.

That'll be good fun, I haven't seen Mike in a good while, it's difficult for him to come to see me as he has a bird of prey called Sparky to look after, he can't really be left on his own for 3 days. The Bird, not Mike. Although that is debatable given his attempts at cooking this week.

Then there is Pete's birthday at the end of November so will be heading back for drunken revelry then too.

I have no idea why I am giving you my social calender, looks like another brain-dump post to me but you got to take the wheat witht the chaff people, so hang in there!

So basically I am booked up to Christmas, if you drop in unspecified Hull trips anyway (you know I can't bloody stay away!).

I think I know why I am giving you my social calender now, it's a thinly veiled attempt to appear popular and wanted. Still. Works for me! I'll be back and posting on Sunday or Monday.

Changed my quote to this, I quite liked it - sorry it's not funny, normal service will be resumed next week:

~Don't try to reason with your heart~
~or feel with your mind~
~for just as the heart knows no logic~
~the mind can't lead you to your soul.~

Man Genes

I've never been much for DIY, I've always been very comfortable with my abject incompetence at manual labour. Why then have I begun to only order things that require construction? And how is it that I am putting them together competently, even though the instructions 'Recommend' two people?

The only solution is that my natural Man DIY Genes, previously dormant are awakening as I approach an age where I should, by rights, have a garden shed and 'jobs around the house' at weekends. All things considered, this is no bad thing, and my imminently arriving PC bits will test my ability with things electrical. Should that go well, I may start building things more and may even buy a power tool of some description so I can make the prerequisite noise that precedes the production of any worthwhile Masterpiece.

As I will be blogging much of the PC construction, I've been given an idea to make it more entertaining for you. I'll hopefully be recruiting some help for the construction process, pictures of the team and their efforts will be published as my shiny new toy is constructed. As soon as I find out where the idea came from, I will credit it to them I promise!

Moving on. My Mother is insisting on paying me for the PC I'll be giving her. She isn't buying the Christmas present line, nor is she swallowing the 'What ever you give me I will spend on your Christmas present' manoeuvre. She's a lovely woman but a pain the arse sometimes! I mean, yes I could keep the thing and tinker with it. Yes, I could use it for a whole host of Geek related activities that would put you to sleep the second I opened with 'What I could do is........'. The point, though, is that she wants a computer to potter around on and I will soon have one going spare (With a few bits missing that I will be cannibilising for the new machine).

So. I have a plan. First, I will lie about said computers relative worth. Second, the funds will be cunningly funneled back to the unsuspecting parent via a series of deceptively priced gifts. That'll teach her!
I'm also in negotiations about cooking Christmas dinner this year, though this breaks with the norm as me, my Dad and the Brother traditionally spend early afternoon getting wrecked in the local pubs. We went through something similar last year but I'm not sure what happened. It may have had something to do with me wanting to cook something other than Turkey but because my dad is a picky git it all went a bit on the back burner. Personally I think she just trys to overcomplicate things so I give up and she ends up cooking anyway, that way she can have a her traditional 'woe is me' monologue, but we'll play the game again this year and see how it goes.

I know how early it is, but you don't know my mother. You need to lay seige fairly early on in order to increase the chances of success.

Got provisional plans for a Camden trip a week on Saturday with the Gnome from Home (Sam), bit of shopping followed by Square Pie! woohoo!

Yay Though I Walk Through The Valley Of Debt...

Interest free on on new purchases until April 2006. That's what the nice people at Egg say. What the Hell was I supposed to do? Not buy it?!

Ok, I admit it, I'm weak. Soon, however, I will be weak but with a very expensive Meccano set.

Right now I am very happy about it too, plenty of time to regret it later on - as far as I'm concerned I deserve it and now my mum can have most of my old PC to play her scrabble on. I know, but it's best not to argue, your brain will just start to hurt and you'll need a lie down.

I will be documenting the thrilling process of PC building for you perusal, if only to prove that I did in fact do it myself. Anyway, not much else to report right now and not much entertaining to say eiher as I am hung over.

It's WHO you ask not WHAT you ask...

I have been debating about whether to hammer my credit card and get this new PC I priced up at the weekend and was condidering leaving it a bit longer before buying. I then asked my colleagues at work whether they think I should by this pretty sweet piece of kit. Now this may have been an unwise move on my part or a cunning plan by my unconscious mind designed to validate the purchase of the computer.

You see, as I'm sure I've mentioned on many an occasion, I work for an IT firm. So when you ask the question 'should I buy this shiny new computer?' of your colleagues, they tend to look at you as if you've said 'Shall I breathe today?'. So, I'm pretty sure I'll get it. With such persuasive arguments as 'It's got two graphics cards! Joined up! How cool is that? how can you not buy it?!' and 'You NEED a new computer Matt! yours is crap!', my point of 'but it's not my money' just pales in comparison.

Having said all this, the man from the shop hasn't called back and I've left 2 messages, I may decide to take this as a sign that the purchase is a bad idea. Tell you what, I'll open it up. Should I buy a big shiny new computer? Cast your votes folks, your decision stands! (for now anyway ;-P).

I've been told by a couple of people that despite my best efforts parts of my Surreyfication post sound totally self deprecating and miserable, this wasnn't the intent. I was trying to illustrate the farcical course of my love life in as entertaining a way as I could, but apparently I just come across as a bit whingey, so apologies for that people. I could edit it but once again in the interests of continuity and attempting to display character I will leave the offending post as it is.

Maybe next time I'll tell the story via the gift of interpretive dance.

Here's one of my favourite sayings of all time, though I am pretty sure I am the only one who finds it funny. To be fair saying it to your boss may not be the wisest move.

"Look, to your untrained eye it may very well look like I'm doing nothing. I can assure you, however, that on a cellular level I am a hive of activity."

George Bush Stamp

I just nicked this off someone else's blog. Made me chuckle.


The U.S. Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of
President George W. Bush to honor his first term achievements. In daily use it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes.
This has enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special presidential commission
has made the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side.

The Big Smoke

I had a good day yesterday, maximum moochage was achieved and I still managed to get something productive done too. I rock.

So I got up and cleaned the pit so it now actually looks like a habitable bedroom, which is never a bad thing. Then, after shower etc., I wandered off to the train station and bought a bargainous Travel Card at a mere six pounds something (with my discount card of course!)and off I went to London for a bit of a shop.

Train journey was a little interminable but I didn't care. You know how it is when you start the day pretty early and you know that there is absolutely nothing that you have to do, so the things you have decided to do are pretty much doable in whatever order and in whatever time frame you choose? How often does that happen in a day? I mean think about it, most days you kind of have to be somewhere at a specific time at some point in the day, if only for five minutes. Anyway, that's what it was like yesterday.

So I went to the computer fairs at UCL and some other nearby place. Has to be said, they sucked ass. I mean the last fair I went to was a few years ago in North Wales but they were vastly superior to this lot of rogues. Big pile 'o crap goddammit!

Luckily another blogger told be that the Tottenham Court Road was a good place for PCs and the like (thanks Olivia) so I mooched off up that way. I wrote a whole bunch about the shops here then realised it was intensely dull. Long story short, found a place with really good staff who offered me a good deal. Soon as I sort out transporting the shiny bits to my flat so I can build it I will probably order.
So thats the PC bit sorted (nearly), if I decide to go for it now anyway. After the geeky part of the shopping trip I headed off to Camden Town, which I have to say right away is possibly the coolest place on Earth.

Although they are taking the eighties come back a little far for my liking. I'm sorry but 'Dexies Midnight Runners' wasn't a good look then and it's not a good look now. Go home and change you goddamned freaks.

Anyway, first thing I did while shopping exclusively for one item was buy something for someone else. I know, I'm a bloody danger! It had to be bought though, they may as well have put it out with a sign saying 'Reserved for Miss Hannah Weston' on it, it's that appropriate. So, yeah, you owe me a pint. Obviously further present buying ensued because I am weak.

After that I remembered seeing a pub that had a sign saying 'We sell Square Pies!', which I thought was fantastic and worth a visit on that basis alone. It was a really nice pub actually. I often object to 'Bars' you see becuase I think they are a bit clean and pretentious sometimes. This was a really good pub with good music and a nice atmosphere for a Saturday afternoon. It's called The Lock Tavern by the way, I imagine it's famous or something and I'm just being dimwitted.

Anyway I settled down with my extortionately priced Guiness and copy of the Independent and went about my business, then I decided I would enquire after the aforementioned 'Square Pies'. To be fair I think I was most interested in what precious metals they were made of to justify the £7.50 price tag at this point, but also the strangeness intrigued me. I mean, pies are round, well known fact. This talk of Square Pies is madness. I'm old. I fear change.

I carried out research when I got home it appears that these are the perpetrators of the pie revolution. That looks like some damned good pie. Think I may bow to market forces next time I go to Camden and have me some Square Pie. Viv la Revolution! Watch this space for the Pie report.

Pie is a great word.

Anyway, off to see Wallace and Grommit in a little while so I will love you and leave you. I'll also leave you with this quote, courtesy of Queen Emi:

"Whats the point of wearing your lucky rocket ship pants all day if no one asks to see them?" (Calvin & Hobbbes)

Surreyfication Stage 1

I've decided to spend more time down here and less time harrassing people with far better things to do with their time. For this reason, Matt Borough Council are pleased to announce the Surreyfication Project 2005.

Stage one of the project is set to commence over the next few weeks as we seek to clean up and improve Matt in order to meet the challenges of the new millenium. The initial actions in Stage one are already about to begin with 'Project Defumigation' getting off to a stumbling start but is now back on track. The 'Acknowledge that London Exists' initiative is underway tomorrow with trips to both UCL (computer fair) and Tottenham Court Road in order to peruse new and shiny things with buttons. After this Matt will be taken to Camden Markets for an Official Mooch and thence he shall return to the flat. There is a possibility that the evening will involve some light libation in Central London somewhere but this remains to be seen.

The main thrust of Stage 1 involves not getting on a train every weekend to go to Hull, difficult as it may be to believe but some of my friends appear to have developed lives beyond me. So I am cutting back on official state visits before I outstay my welcome.

It's been suggested that I get a girlfriend, now while on the surface this may seem perfectly normal and sensible, it is fraught with all manner of impracticality. Allow me to elaborate:

1) While I have no real problem talking to women anymore and seem to develop phone numbers on a not infrequent basis, that's pretty much it. I think I stun them with my initial barrage of what can loosely be described as 'Conversation', in much the same way you would stun a small mammal like a squirrel with a rock. The in the dazed and confused and (hopefully) laughing state they unwittingly hand out a Licence to Stalk. They of course recover the next day and change phones. Then change identity, sex and move to Brazil just to be safe.

2) I have a habit of going out with people who are evil. I mean I am going on the assumption that all women aren't evil. Given my experience I could be forgiven for leaping to that conclusion though. I have to confess it was me who was the baddy last time around. Kind of. Although even women disagree with me on that one, but what else are friends for but to make you feel better about yourself? Anyway, to recap, either:

a)They are evil
b)I cock it up in some (always) unspecified way.
c)A combination of the above

3) Considering that except for the last 2 I've always been dumped within 2 months, there is clearly something that grinds on peoples nerves fairly quickly. Once again, this remains unspecified and I am left with those funny noises women make when they seem to think you should know something that is clearly so ambiguous they can't find the words for it. So what hope do we have?

4) One doesn't just 'Get' a girlfriend. It's not like I can go down the olive section at Tescos and pick one up there. Emi can do that, but most of us mere mortals have to put far more work and concealing of inadequacies in.

*I know this looks like a bit of mindless self deprecation and miserableness, but I can assure you I am perfectly happy while writing this, been feeling pretty good since I decided on the London Trip this afternoon.*

So because of a combination of the above points, the proposed 'Get a Girlfriend' initiative has been scrapped and replaced with the new 'Have a Laugh with Mates' sub-Project. While this project previously stood on its own, it was felt that to incorporate it into the Surreyfication Project would increase its impact.

Anyway, so that is my plan. This is in addition to the planned 'Get Ripped' work that is going to be carried out over the coming months.

If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her convicts she doesn't deserve to have any. (Oscar Wilde)

'That last pint must've been dodgy'......

Christ I feel rough. Blech.

Dream Come true?.....

Those of you that know me may have noticed that I talk. A at great length. Whether you want me to or not. In fact people that don't know me may have noticed this too as I am also quite loud, especially after a few medicinal drinks.

It may also have come to your attention that I like to drink, sometimes a lot. I also like curry. A lot.

So what's the point in me telling you this? Consider: Tonight we are having the second Project Meal I've attended since I joined the firm, which is actually pretty good going considering I've only been here 4 months. In fact after today I would have had 4 free meals incorporating 3 free drinking sessions since I started. Sadly the 4th was a free lunch, and they frown on drunken singing in the office apparently.

Anyway, the meal. It's in an Indian Restaurant, and I've been asked to run the post meal quiz. Ok, to recap - Free Curry, Free Beer all night, captive audience for an hour to listen to me talking crap. I couldn't have planned it better, what are the crazy fools thinking? There is, as always, a minor flaw in this arrangement - the quiz is after the meal. Now the last project meal saw me polish off 7 bottles of San Miguel before the starter arrived, to be fair it was a long time coming but still......

I think I hear the words 'Corporate Credit Card' and go a bit crazy, I'll be making sure I can at least see by the time I get up to do the quiz.

Other stuff. I am getting an overwhelming urge to buy a new PC, I do kind of need one and by need I of course mean want. I do spend a lot of time on my PC though so it's not like it's a waste of money, and my credit card is feeling very lonely at the moment. I don't have a girlfriend, pet or any real responsibility so it's not like I am neglecting anyone either. I have many transparent reasons as to why I am going to blow a huge chunk of cash I don't have but the one I will probably use is the blanket 'Need something to cheer me up' excuse that covers most of my unnecessary purchases.

I am currently in the process of turning over a new leaf. When I was a student I ate quite well, cooked a lot and generally didn't eat too much crap. I mean I ate crap, just not every day. Now all I eat is processed rubbish, so I am going to stop with that and start eating properly again, this is all in a vain effort to become an 'Olive Skinned Adonis whom beautiful wimminz will throw themselves at'. Actually I'll settle for one tripping up and accidentally stumbling into me, but you get the idea.

So stage one began on Tuesday when I went out and bought a load of fruit - satsumas, plums, grapes and.....errrrm..... fig rolls. Ok the last isn't technically fruit but they are nice so bite me. I am determined to do that 5 portions of fruit or veg a day thing as often as I can (think there will be a lapse today :)). Yesterday I decided to give up smoking as soon as my pack of cigarettes is finished so stage 2 was 'Buy No More Cigarettes'. I was going to keep the quitting thing to myself but this way I can, hopefully, be shamed into keeping it up. So far so good, lets see how I hold out once I run out though. Next I am going to register with a doctor down here so I can get my shoulder looked at and finally join the gym. Once all of these things are achieved I'll need to find other things to keep my mind occupied but this'll do for now.

In case you're confused as to where all the crap jokes are, fear not they will return I just need to put this down in writing so I can treat it in a biblical 'So it is written so it shall be done' kind of way.

Anyway, more entertaining stuff later.

[Edit] Forgot my quote! :

War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography. -- Ambrose Bierce

[/Edit]

Tuesday/Wednesday - Close enough

Ok so it's not been the Blogfest I promised and there are no pictures yet. For those of you that actually care, I'm sorry - really! And for Maria I am especially sorry because for reasons best known to herself she finds me entertaining.

Talking of Maria, I'm really pleased we are back in touch, she's the only person other than Tom I am in touch with from my first year at University and we always got on. For those of you that don't know the story, Maria was over from Miami on a year in Hull and she was seeing a guy from New York State that I lived with in my first year, he was doing music or some such. Anyway, in a blatant attempt at getting closer to the windswept and interesting Welshman who lived at 50 Auckland she decided to go out with the American.
I mean ladies, help me out here. What would you prefer? An ascerbic, skinny, bespectacled computer geek with a complexion that makes milk look tanned or some boring muscley musician with dark wavey hair and olive skin?

Exactly. Welshman every time right?*

Anyway. We get on. Well, she laughs at my jokes which is pretty much all I ask for. That and don't be a git. I am such a simple creature

Ok so the weekend was pretty awesome. Had a few drinks on Friday and saw some people I hadn't seen in a while. Saturday me and The Rah got wasted in a fantastic bar called The Lamp (if you're ever in Hull), Kirsty joined us at 10 after she finished work and managed a sterling effort at putting a few away too so 'Go Kirsty'! lol! Was really good night where we managed to put all things that were wrong with the world right, though did kin of suck that Emi couldn't make it due to a prior 'Non-Matt' (if you can believe the cheeky sod has a life beyond me!) related engagement.

Sunday was a bit of a flopping around the house day, I met up with my old housemates for a pint but felt a bit guilty because I kept bumping into people I hadn't seen for ages. Good luck with the job by the way Rich! Then in the evening just sat in front of the TV which I haven't done in ages. In fact I only do it when I go and visit the guys in Hull!

That's pretty much it, I went up, saw the people I wanted to see and came back here. It's really quite bad, I love going back there but it makes living here that tiny bit harder because there is always that part of you that would rather be somewhere else. Anyway, I was ordered to make this 'Funny and Interesting' rather than 'whining like a little bitch with a skinned knee'.

That is a tall order though as this is the end of the post. I have loads to put up, still about the weekend in Crewe but still haven't sorted the Flicr account because I am fairly lame.....errrrm...... busy, fairly busy! I want the pictures and the post up at the same time, so patience people. Christ, I'm actually starting to convince myself you care! lol! So watch this space and normal service will now be resumed, your break is over, kindly return to your seats.

Think I'll keep doing this quote thing too (until I get bored) some are mine, some are nicked. This one is nicked but I can't remember where read it I just remember laughing a lot:

" When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"

*Carefully crafted Delusion - FRAGILE - Handle with care

Absence makes the Heart grow fonder

Ok, I could pretend I have been making you wait in eagre anticipation of the next exciting installment in my blog, but that just isn't true. I've been a lazy arse and also quite busy at work, which has prevented me from indulging in my primary activity of blogging.

So I still have plenty of Doughnut-opia photos to upload, also have some pics from the night in Crewe to go up. I'm tempted to get some webspace just so I can upload the video of Jon dancing in his front room. It's absolute genius that I think should be shared with the world though not entirely sure he would thank me for it. There is also some footage of me interrogating one of his cats. He looks very guilty.

I am going to Hull this afternoon to visit Emi, The Rah and Kirsty - Huzzah! Haven't seen them for what seems like ages but has only been a month. Though I did spend most days round their house when in my final year so that is actually quite a long time. Unfortunately my old housemate Jon 'Smells of Onion and Garlic Frenchman' Gibbins is off to Sheffield so will once again miss him! damn his eyes! I'll get in touch with one of my other old housemates later today to see if he fancies meeting up with me and The Rah tomorrow for some light libation. That's you Lowe, we need words about your blasphemous comments.

Even though it is only one person who sends me chastising mails if I don't post every hour on the hour, I've fooled myself into thinking you are all equally as Matt-obsessed as Maria. So I promise that on Tuesday, when I get back to Surrey I will be blogtastic!

Should have some good stuff from the weekend too. I'll even sort out a Flikr account!


I have quite a lot to get through before I leave at lunchtime so I better go off and do it or I will get into trouble.

Current favorite line: "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving really isn't for you".

Doughnut-opia Day 2

That's right folks, once again the doughnut deliveries have been coming in. Today something extra special as it is Chocloate Ring Doughnut Day! Encompassing 'Novelty snackfest'.

This simple yet elegant display shows the beauty that can be created with only a few snack varieties. Perched atop Red Leader's unused keyboards are the Finest Chocolate ring doughnuts and, once again, a Smartie entry this time in the form of Smarties cookies!.

Demanding Wimmin-folk

I've just been chastised for not updating my blog whilst unconscious I think. Now to be fair, I thought I suffered a severe case of Over-Blog yesterday (although much of that was given over to the immensely successful Doughnut-opia 2005) and was expecting some kind of 'Christ give us a chance to read it!'. Instead I get Emi demanding her own post and Maria compalining that I don't blog in my sleep.

This could be a good thing as it may mean that people are reading and enjoying my Blog so much that they can't get enough of it. A more likely explanation is they are bored out of their minds and have nothing better to do.

In Emi's case the deadly virus (definitely not Man Flu, women don't get this sick off Man Flu) has prevented her from doing anything else and in Maria's case, she is revising for some ludicrously complicated exam and needs a break. However as I have a mind that's highly trained in lying to me, I will soon have myself convinced of my blogs popularity through entertainment rather than boredom.

Ode to Emi, Burning Light [ed:(Love)]of My Life

[NB: All Bold-type and bracketed text including the title are post Emi-Comment Edits I've added to reflect her observations of the original post]

Ok, So Emi is ill [Dying]. She's really quite [literally at Death's Door] poorly. As a result, she isn't in a particularly chipper mood. Earlier in the day I have been cast [Perfectly Justifiably] as evil incarnate and a product of Satans own Backside for not mentioning her enough in my blog . Luckily [In a grandly magnanimous gesture] she has provided me with plentiful material for her own mini-post.

So she's sick [Mortally ravaged with disease] and she has to do some [Gruelling] online test thing that counts towards her degree [Bastards]. She needs a password to get into the testing system, which they email her to her University Email account. Which is broken. So here's the equation so far:

Poorly [Dying] Emi = Bad Mood
Poorly Emi [Dying]* [Devil's own workforce intent on the corruption of all things good (For all things good read: Emi)]Incompetent Uni IT Staff = 'Stop Pulling My Face Off, I Need That!'

However, being calm, collected and together she was not to be foiled [by stupid Boys] and took the standard stock approach to the problem. Keep hammering your details to the email system with increasing outbursts of profanity until the useless piece of crap works.

Eventually [Even though dying] she got into the system and is primed to take some [evil] test on Medieval literature or some such. It does beg the question, what the hell are they thinking putting a test up online for English Students [Bastards]? I mean, if they wanted to mess around with things that invariably don't work [Bastards] like they are supposed to they would have done Computer Science surely?

Anyway, now she knows the secret of 'How Technology Works' she should have no further problems. Remember: Swear, Hit, Retry thing You tried 1 thousand times. repeat with increasing vehemence.

Oh. The title, similar to something Emi [Cleverly and with Immense forethought] suggested I use as a post about her. So why did I agree? well firstly, she is pretty damned ace [damned right].

Secondly - She's lovely but she's tired, ill [Dying] and [Full of sharply observed pearls of Wisdom] annoyed. I don't care if she is 250 miles away, I know what's good for me [Clearly not, you're a dead man].

MacDoughnut

Our first attendee from 3rd Line, 'Big Mac' Kelany arrives at Doughnut-opia 2005 fit for the events that are to follow. Bucking popular speculation, Mac opted for the Chocolate sprinkles over Pink Icing style Doughnut. As we can see from this snap, he appears incredibly pleased with this shock selection, yet declined to comment on this controversial choice.


Despite it's less than manly icing, we can see Mac digging into his doughnut with a relish and enthusiasm only found in the amateur classes. Once again we can see the promotion of diversity that Doughnut-opia brings. This young whipper-snapper hot on the heels of the seasoned tubster Niemesh!

Doughnuts for the 21st century

We've had the old, now it's time for the Hip and happening doughnut for the discerning but 'kewl' kid around town. Niemesh dives straight for the Crushed Smarties and Icing style Doughnut, knowing that this is the Doughnut preferred by the 'G-Folk on the West-Siyeed!'


And look at that. Beautifully executed demolition of the wonderful confection. Relishing every moment but at the same time apprectiating the sublime beauty of the article. It's a good thing to see this seasoned Doughnut-Muncher has lost none of his skill when it comes to devouring sweets. Still strong in the Game, Niemesh is a proud supporter of Doughnut-opia 2005.

Dougnut-opia, an event for all!

As we can see, even Cyborgs are welcome at Doughnut-opia as we work to promote diversity through Doughnuts. Here we see a RoboMatt overcome with the Doughnut-astic choices he has before him:




Wisely, RoboMatt used his enhanced abilities to select an Iced Ring Doughnut with Hundreds and Thousands sprinkles. A classic Doughnut as popular today as it has always been. Some knock the traditionalists, but RoboMatt says 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it! And if it is broke, a few pins and a new hinge will sort it out!'

Opening Ceremony

Behold the beauty of the 'HAHAHAHA! Doughnuts all over Andy's desk' Doughnut display. The team have done us proud here today. Such a thing of beauty brings a tear to the eye!




Here we see event organiser, The Right Honourable Matthew Jones MD (master of doughnuts), PhD (Philled Doughnuts), enjoying the opening doughnut of the event. Look at that happy glint in his eye. An event like this doesn't come along very often so it's really special to capture it on film.

Weekend and Doughnut-opia updates!

Ok, Dough-nutopia 2005 gets into full swing this afternoon, watch this space for updates and pictures! It's promising to be a funfest that can be enjoyed by young and old alike.

The doughnuts have been arriving thick and fast and the doughnut display stand situated at the area designated 'Red Leaders desk, hahahaha!' is almost complete.

Pictures from the weekends festivities in Crewe will be on their way soon too. I will probably try and set up an account with Flickr though as Blogs where it's just a massive scroll-down of pictures are really annoying. It's mostly pictures of drinks and me pulling funny faces, but I've never been afraid to humiliate myself. Had a fantastic time, was great to go out on a session with Jon and Pedr again, we haven't been out together properly in about 2 years so was a great reunion despite the circumstances.

Anyway, this was just a brief note, more later.


***** IMPORTANT NOTE!: Should any of you wish to hold your own doughnut-based events, please send me doughnut related photo's to jones.mg@gmail.com . I have been called cruel by some. I'll stop them when they are wrong.

We now return to our regular programming..

Everyone needs to let Mr Hyde out once in a while, give a boy a break - yesterdays rant was necessary to prevent a very messy spontaneous combustion.

So I'm off to Crewe this evening to see JonnyJonny Shaw. Have had a worrying report from Pedr that he may not be able to attend tomorrow evenings festivities and curry baptism but he is striving to overcome his transport problems. Our prayers are with him and we hope he overcomes this devilish ploy to keep him from purifying his pallet.

I'm feeling a little ropey today thanks entirely, in my opinion, to the Red Leader clone that continues to spread his insidious infection about the office. I can only hope that the real Red Leader breaks free and defeats this evil clone before his return in a few weeks.

We've been taunting him this week which is always fun. He keeps trying to get us to bring Doughnuts into work for the 'Team'. So we decided to bow to management pressure and launch the two week extravaganza that is 'Doughnut-opia 2005!'. This event will run from Monday the 10th October through to Friday 21st October and will be a veritable Doughnut-a-palooza! On the Agenda are:

Stacking Doughnuts on Andrews desk
Doughnut gourging
Doughnut Photo ops
Andrews lack of Doughnuts Gloating competition

And much much more! Keep 'em peeled for Doughnut-opia Photos, it'll be something to tell the kids about.

Sadly Red Leader Andrew won't be available for the event, as he unwisely booked his annual leave to coincide with it, but I'm sure he'll appreciate the sugar and frosting we leave as a memento all over his keyboards.

*BREAKING NEWS* The Evil Red Leader clone has attempted to ban Doughnut-opia 2005, a further indication of his loyalty to 'The Man'. We were going to give him a photo of the festivities too, but it appears our kind offer isn't good enough. This official memorandum was recieved by the event organisers from the Clone:

"(Please note Doughnut-Fest, Doughnut-Stock or any other Doughnut related amenity is hereby banned in my absence)."

Well, 'The Man', you will never crush the indomnitable spirit of Doughnut-opia you hear? Never!

Autumn looks good Tony.............

Well the 'rat-a-tat-tat' of little drummer boys sounds in the distance and soon the pounding drums of righteous indignation will be heard and then we will plow into Iran on an even flimsier context than we used to nick Iraq.

It's a bomb!

He said evidence led either to Iran or its Lebanese militant allies Hezbollah, although "we can't be sure of this".

So why say it Tony? If you don't know, keep your warmongering mouth shut until you do! The only reason for having this splashed over the Pravda-like Tabloid press over here is to create further ill feeling towrds another possible target.

For those of you who are hard of thinking, allow me to summarise. This article is basically the UK government saying 'We found some bombs in Iraq, Iran used bombs once - draw your own conclusions!'.
Christ it makes me sick it really does. We're buying it too, we sit around slagging off Americans for listening to and believing the bile and garbage spouted by Fox. We laugh at colour coded 'Terror Alert' charts and insanely 'Duck and Cover' style advice pamphlets about how to survive a Terror Attack (turn the light on and check the wardrobe?), but are we any better?

Here's the thing. People are buying millions of copies of The Sun, The Daily Mail (Middle England's Mein Kampf) and the Daily Express (owned by Britains richest pornographer) every day.

Now I'd love to believe it's because of a toilet paper shortage,I really would, but it's not. It's because they like to be told what to think so they get these partisan rags written by barely literate chimps in the case of the red tops and eloquent bigots in the case of the others. Incidentally, Daily Mail Readers. It is a tabloid. I know you think it's a broadsheet for people with short arms - but it's not.

The amount of crap you hear about how every Asylum seeker and illegal immigrant in the world moved to Britain in one day and will be the cause of economic downfall and every crime since the Great train Robbery. Or that it's someone else's fault that our native industries are all outsourced elsewhere (I believe it's France who's fault it is this week), or any of the other barely supported 'news' that makes it into print. Crap. If any of our politicians had any balls they would say so too. But it's much easier to feed the flames and get the public in to a frenzy about something other than their own ineptitude and weakness.

I mean Michael Howard, the son of a pair of Romanian immigrants, spouting such vitriolic filth about the need to 'cap' the amount of immigrants coming in to this country? You can't just cap it! OK, have border control but you can't have night club style immigration policies! 'Clubs full, you can't come in!'

Actually scratch that. I like the Marcus Brigstock version of the Nightclub immigrarion policy. Specifically it's a 'One in, one out' system. For every genuine, terrified and abused asylum seeker we accept into this country, we send one Daily Expresss reader from Dover off to Zimbabwe and give them a farm.

This has been an ill-thought out rant but I read the blog of DrivingMissDallas and it occurred to me that I really am annoyed about this stuff and I've just done a brain dump onto this entry.

To close, back to the original point. I successfully predicted the date of the last invasion to within two weeks. So my prediction for the assault on Tehran? Well, they need to extricate themseves from Iraq, then make sure Iran have no real capability to fight back effectively, few months to concoct some almost feasible excuse...... I'll go for either this time next year, or possibly Feb/March of 2007.

Breaking News: Man Flu Hits StrongBadia!

That's right, even the mighty Strong Bad isn't safe from Man Flu! (for those of you not familiar, check out HomeStarRunner on my links :))

Icon Felled By Deadly ManFlu!

Pod People and 'The Man'

The plot thickens.

I got a text off The Rah at 7:30 this morning. The only thing The Rah is known for doing at 7:30 in the morning is ripping the face off whatever hapless fool woke her at 7:30 in the morning. She assured me, after my initial skepticism over her true identity, that she wasn't pleased about being up that early but the level of activity, beyond grunting 'coffee...' and glaring at anyone whom attempts communication, is still cause for concern

I got into work and was greeted with a cheery MSN message from Mike. Like me, 'Summery ray of sunshine', does not usually accurately describe his disposition. I am pretty sure I know the reason for his chipperness but this is still an unsettling turn of events considering my earlier Rah experience.

After the chirpy 'hello'from Mike, Red Leader arrived in work still, he claims, 'In the Grip of Man Flu'. Really. Then how is it you are not at home whimpering and demanding tea/chicken soup? Why do you resist when you are told to head home and protect your colleagues as I did, so heroically, last week? Well, friends, I have deduced the truth through a cunning series of questions directed towards Red Leader.

He has become a minion of 'The Man'. No longer does he talk of sticking it to him, merely of apathy and acceptance of 'The Man's' rule. He is actively in the employ of 'The Man' in spreading this foul illness to co-workers, already another in the office has fallen foul of this dastardly plot. Sadly, the already weak and sickly Robert's mind has succumbed to 'The Man's' propaganda as a result of the illness. Lies vilely spread by the Red Leader imposter claim that I am the source of the virus, but as you can see from this indisputable documentation I quarantined myself as soon as the deadly virus was detected.

So. It appears the Man Flu is a method of Pod Personing people. The Rah has shown no sign of Man Flu and her natural female resistance should prevent her infection, her odd behaviour may have another cause as yet undetermined. Similarly, my diagnosis of Pod Personitis in Mike may be a little hasty.
There is no doubt in my mind, however, that Red Leader has been replaced by a drone of 'The Man' as part of his dastardly plot. Soon poor, simple Rob may follow, his fragile mind may not be able to cope with the onslaught.

I fear for Emerald also, she has succumbed to Man Flu. She hasn't exhibited any drastic changes in behaviour though so it may be that her natural female resistance to the disease will protect her from being Pod Personed. I pray this is the case.

Yes, I'm purile.....

Sorry, couldn't resist. Come on, it's funny - if a little outdated, Rumsfeld has invented a new enemy for Fox to talk about these days. So just replace all the Commies with Terror!

Oh and check this out, talk about Biting off more than you can chew!

Imminent Pandemic

Sad news dear friends. I'm sure you remember my selflessly and, let's face it, heroically taking time off work in order to battle Man Flu alone and cold in my lonely flat. Why Selfless? I was protecting my colleagues from the ravages of this Silent Menace, I did not want to infect them with this most insidious of diseases. Sadly my precautions were not enough, and Man Flu has once again proven what a Wily Foe it is. Somehow Red Leader (Andrew) has endeavoured to contract the virus.

He is currently a sorrier speciment than normal, attempting to 'Soldier on' as best he can at work. Every now and then he mutters something about 'So.......cold.......' or 'getting........darker.......cold....embrace........of.......[cough!]'. I fear he won't be strong enough to battle this one out on his own, we may lose him. Even worse is that he has two weeks off next week so unless he is claimed before Friday, it may be towards the end of the month before we discover we need a replacement! During one of his more lucid moments (of which, even on a normal day, there are few) he muttered something which at first I thought was 'Man Flu'. However after twisting the words in my mind to suit my purpose I realised he was saying 'The Man!............flu'.

Could it be? The Man infecting the working mens population of my company with a deadly (The)Man Flu Pandemic?! I wouldn't put it past the dastardly swine! But to what purpose? Well even the most simple of creatures can see the purpose of the plan once you see it in action.
The Man, not satisfied with his Global Dominance over Car Insurance providers is making further moves into IT. Obviously he is already in control of Microsoft, now he is moving in on our company! By devastating the predominantly male workforce with this evil infection he will affect productivity and therefore shareprice. He will be able to snap us up for a song!

Damn his low cunning, I will find a way to Stick it to Him. Andrew must be 'dealt' with before the virus spreads.......

'There you go, four candles'.

'Nah mate! I want Fork 'Andles, 'andles for Forks!'

Another Legend Gone.

Obituary

Mike asked a good question earlier. How is it we live in a world where Ronnie Barker is taken from us and yet we are left with Roy Chubby Brown and Jim Davidson.

And people claim there is a God.

I've commented on someone elses blog about what I consider to be awful comedy from the British 80s, namely things like the Benny Hill show and Are you being Served?. That's not to say that Benny Hill wasn't sometimes hilarious, I just always found it to be when not on his TV show. The same can be said of Kenny Everett, very funny off the show.

I was never a massive fan of the Two Ronnies, but there were some sketches had you crying in laughter. Ronnie Barker was brilliant with words and the Four Candles Sketch is right up there with the Peter Cook 'One legged Tarzan' at cracking me up every time I hear it. For me, though, it was his comedy acting and writing that was Ronnie Barker's best gift. Open All Hours and Porridge still make me laugh today and that's what makes good comedy, the ability to appeal across generations. That's why I don't laugh at Benny Hill show or the Kenny Everett show or Are You Being Served? It's very much comedy of it's age but just seems crude and clumsy to me now.

I think one of the things that is most admirable about the man is that at the height of his success he retired from show business to spend time with his family. He could have been on our screens for years more but he had priorities and principles. It is true that he started the 2 Ronnies again 17 years after retiring but it was pretty much re-runs of classics and if anyone deserved a Swan Song it is Ronnie Barker, I only hope my mind is as sharp, witty and just generally awesome at the age he reached.

Now I am going to wait in eagre anticipation for the Barker-fest that will ensue now he has sadly departed. Anyway, bit morbid sorry but I grew up on this stuff and everyone should watch at least one episode of Porridge or Open All Hours in their lives so they can understand what I am on about.




R-R-R-R-R-Rest In P-P-P-P-Peace Ronnie.

My Dad, Technical Genius

Well. He's worked out how to use MSN about 8 months after I set him up on it. Good going! To be fair he's been on and off the internet during that time, so it's kind of understandable. Or is it? why has he been on and off the Internet since it's been installed? To examine this question, let us take a look at dear Pater's list of technical responses, the cunningly intricate series of fault diagnosis procedures which he follows should errors occur in his PC system:

1.)Format the Hard drive.
2.)Reinstall Windows.
3.)Spend the next fortnight looking for his Windows key.
4.)Swear at PC until drivers magically reappear.
5.)After 4.) has failed, phone Matt and expect him to know the exact hardware configuration of PC and transmit drivers telepathically to PC.

This procedure should be followed in any of the following events:

1.)Complete system crash
2.)Windows kernel errors
3.)Attack of devastating virus
4.)Hijacked internet connection
5.)Slow Internet connection
6.)Slow start up time
7.)Regular Blue screen of death
8.)Games fail to load correctly
9.)'It's acting a bit funny'
10.)Can't play 'The Quo' in CD-ROM
11.)Couldn't beat Solitaire in under 5 minutes
12.)Scrabble doesn't work
13.)Full moon
14.)Acheing in bones indicating future PC issues
15.)Martin went on it*


All of these things I thought I knew and I'd resigned myself to no online conversations with my Day. However, he has proven me wrong and is harassing me even as we speak. Provided he can not give himself any technical support, and he doesn't disown me because of this blog, this may actually increase our communication. I am terrible at phoning home you see.

In fact I suck at it, which is really weird because I get on really well with my parents. I mean, there would be no me without them and while this may have created problems for the rest of the human race it's generally a good situation for me to be in. Also the fridge is always well stocked with essential supplies. You know, cheese and beer. Several dozen varieties of each usually, which is never a bad thing.

So welcome to the Interweb Pater, watch this space because now I've cast aspersions on your character you are safe from a second attack and you can sit back and enjoy as I do it to others! :-D

*This usually results in a serious technical fault. Can usually be repaired by reformatting and beating confession out of said Martin.

Who Knew?

So the Operations manager came up to me just before I went home for work last night and says 'Your name came up in the management meeting today...'. Christ! They're going to tell me that writing blogs and online shopping isn't chargeable work!

Or maybe it's worse, maybe he is going to move me to a Marketing role. God no! I'd have to check my soul at the door and have myself frisked in case I am carrying any discernable talents or abilities beyond opening my mouth and spewing forth bile and garbage.
I couldn't have broken anything major, I've only been here three months. Then again, maybe my suggestion to install Unreal Tournament across the Live system wasn't taken as the forward thinking morale booster that was intended.

It's entirely possible that my suggestion of a bi-weekly lager fuelled curry-fest, paid for by the project, was seen as uneccessary maybe even extravagent. I should probably have mentioned that said Fest was only intended for me and so wouldn't really cost the project that much.

Maybe I'm getting promoted? Ok now we're into crazy talk.

All of the above thoughts and more flew through my head after his ominous opening line, but none were the reason for it. Turns out, as the biggest gobshite in the office, I have been nominated to do the project quiz at our next meal. Being caught off guard and running several disasterous scenarios through my mind I immediately blurted 'Sure, OK! blahblahblah.....'.

These management types are wily devils, I'll have to be more careful in the future.

Every Cloud.....

It's noon. The files we were meant to get at 8am have finally arrived. I can do the work I was due to finish an hour ago now. Thanks, really. No honestly, I can't think of anything more pleasant to do with my Saturday mornings than sit on my arse waiting for competence to kick in somewhere.

Ignore me, I have a hangover and have't had much sleep.

I am going to find the good in my situation. I counted my remaining money from last night, a little over 14 quid. This is a very good thing. It means I can afford not one, but two currys this weekend and I can use my bizarre powers of fuzzy financial logic to classify the expenditure under last nights activities.


Eat my Goal.

Of course I will work Saturday morning...........

Four years of University and yet I appear to have the brain power of a reporter for the Sun. 'Yeah, I'll come in for the CAP change on Saturday, no worries'.

I was out last night, in a fairly big way, for a few colleagues birthdays. RoboMat allegedly did attend Matt Stock 28 (his birthday) but took a detour to a different venue and we didn't see him all night. The Niemesh party was where all the cool kids were at anyway (no diggidy, no doubt), although I'm pretty sure I spent half the night hitting on one of his good friends. Anyway, long story short, I got completely trashed. I got to bed around half 3. I got up about 7. You see where the prboblem is? yeah. I'm battered.

So now I've come into work to do some stuff only to find out that we don't have what we need to do it because some lazy arse in Nottingham hasn't sent it yet. I have a theory as to why. I found out last month that Hooters* have their only UK restaurant in Nottingham. Now the guys who are meant to be sending the files are financial guys. In fact they are financial techies, which in the order of Geekness is pretty much as geeky as it is possible to be without plastic sandles and a thermos. I'm guessing they had a 'Business Dinner' and had some kind of aneurysm at the sight of a real and attractive woman. May be I'm being harsh but in case you missed it earlier, I came to work at 8 am after 3 and a bit hours sleep to do this stuff and these fuckers can't even perform the most arbitrary of tasks. I am not a happy bunny. In terms of how unhappy a bunny I am let's just say it involves pie and seasonal vegetables.

So I am going to wait here with my colleague who has also dragged his arse in on his day off until these pituary retards do what they should have done last night. Then I am going to go home and catch up on some sleep, then I will get up and the only thing that will make me leave my flat before Monday is the curry I am picking up later. Then all will be well again.

Of course this rant could have been avoided if I'd had even the most miniscule level of intelligence and forethought and not volunteered to work on a pissing Saturday morning. Idiot.

*I have no idea how they got away with opening a restaurant where the dress code is hot pants and you aren't allowed to work there if you are Ugly. Unless you are a manager of course, then you have to be spherical, sweaty and ,of course, Male. It's bizarre that this chain originated and thrives in country that preaches equality almost like a mantra.