Feeling the flash-based Hate

You can always spot when a pure engineer has designed a User Interface to something, because he has made something that makes perfect sense to him and about 3 other people and to everyone else it is Greek. Except to Greeks, to whom it is more like an obscure Swahili dialect.

I used to think the solution to a lot of this kind of computey (it's definitely a word, don't bother looking it up! trust the internet!) thing would be to get some arty types in to sort out the design. Unfortunately this theory results in the Graphics Designer. Who makes everything. EVERYTHING in Flash!

[Breathe]

OK, so what's wrong with Flash? Makes the site look all pretty and glossy right? Yeah. Now try and find something out about what you want. Wrong page? Click the back button - oh wait! The thing you clicked took you to a page that has magically removed the back button! And anything else useful that 15 years of Web Browser design and innovation has produced!

Here's my favourite - go to a website that is made of Flash and I guarantee that 1 out of 4 times the smarmy gobshite has hidden all of the menu items inside flash images. So not only does the thing start off more painful than an exploding appendix, you have to actively hunt for the things that will take you to the places that you don't want to go to anyway! - If I buy a novel I don't expect to have to figure out how to open it in a special way and then be presented with Magic Eye version of the bloody text! Use that principle and we'll be fine OK?

Here's another thing - you know how all modern and competent web browsers support tabbed browsing? So you can right click and select 'open in new tab' - so you can perhaps open up the details of a variety of products in one window? Not in flash - no sir! It’s left click or nothing! And if that's not the page you want? Right back to the bastard beginning you go!

There is also the propensity for showing you lots of stylish angles and lighting of different things - because you know, when I am in the market for a watch, the most important thing to me is how the face looks when catching the light of a log fire that I also don't own.

Show me a picture of the thing! Show a picture of it on someone's wrist. Tell me how deep I can theoretically go before water damage ensues, despite the fact that I will panic whenever there is moisture anywhere near it! Tell me how much it is; tell me where I can order and how. Do it now and do it quickly or I'm going somewhere else.

Evidently the watch example is from today and unsurprisingly, the more expensive the brand, the more obscure and unworkable the website.

The people who order these sites have to take some responsibility here, as has been pointed out to me - customers usually order things they have no clue about despite the best advice. This is especially true in IT. People want Flash because it is pretty and looks expensive. On the other hand, the designers have to take some responsibility - just because they are forced to work in flash does not mean they have to disappear up their own arses trying to be overly clever.

If you are going to commission a website to be designed, let me let you in on a secret. No one on this earth will take you seriously if you tell the poor sap who has to make it to do so in Flash. It is filth and should be left to the purposes for which it is best suited - funny online games involving chainsaws and zombies.

Now please excuse me, I have to go have an embolism. Or possibly an aneurysm. You get the idea.

Was it really worth 10 million?

To find out what everyone already knew and had stopped caring about?

There is a lot made of 'public interest'. In cases like this I have no respect for 'public interest'. They fall in to 2 categories - 'Nutter Diana obsessive desparate to forge some tenuous link with themselves and a dead traffic accident victim' and the usual ghoulish voyeurs.

Now 10 million pounds is a lot of money, it's nearly 8 billion US dollars*. For that i would want some real revelations, a bit more bng for my buck! None of this 'Diana Was Breathing Before She Died'** crap! I want 'Dodi was Mutant Robot Fiend Bent on Stealing the World's Custard Reserves' or something!

Pay 10k for a car, you'll get a Ford. Pay 100k and you'll get a whole lot of overcompensation, probably made in Italy. If tbhis inquest were a car then the salesmen saw us coming and sold us an '83 Reliant Robin as a 'classic car'.

I'm not saying all expensive court things should result in spectacular and fantastical outcomes I just think if you are going to spend so much money on engaging in such a worthless exercise in futility as this particular endeavou,r we should get something memorable out of it. And I don't mean a broken fountain.

So, in an effort to demonstrate what can be achieved for no money, I suggest we put together our own outcome. Answers on a postcard. Or, you know..... in th comments bit


*As I am avoiding the cheap 'Americans have no sense of Irony' jokes, I have to fall back on the 'Dollars are really weak' jokes. It's not my fault, its society.

**A genuine Diana story I saw on the BBC website once

I'm British, I can't help it

We find it really funny when things go wrong for people. I laughed and laughed when the Patriots threw the Superbowl away, not least because I despise their coach.

Its not just all wanting smug, self satisfied, over confident people you want to see fall on their arse once in a while. 'Things going wrong' has positive connatations.


Look at Zimbabwe, nothing funny about that right? Horrendous human rights abuses, corruption, power mad leader. Horrible things. But you HAVE to appreiate the humour in the fact that the ruling party seem to be managing to lose a rigged election. A rigged election which THEY rigged! I mean that is a special kind of incompetence.

I think from the outside looking in it can be seen as a really bad cynicism and pessimism that speaks of misery and a desire for others to fail. I'm here to tell you that that really isn't it, it's just really funny when things go wrong. I can only speak for myself but with so many awful and horrific things in the world, you've got to take the laughs where you can find them.

As inspiring and amazing as human endeavour is, the depths of man's incompetence is equally awe inspiring, and there is nothing wrong with failing horribly. The attitude that 'to win is all' and 'failure is unacceptable' may be a nice aspirational thing to put on a poster, but that's not life is it? I forget who it was but I heard an American say once - 'Everyone in America says "Have a nice day". You guys don't do that because you know it's impossible to have an entirely nice day "have a nice 15 minutes" would be a lot more achievable'. It doesn't mean that we hate everything and everyone and want everyone to live in misery (OK, maybe I do but not everyone else!). It just means we laugh at life, or at least thats my take on it. I'll try and put all this into a single sentence.


I love it when things go wrong, because then I know that its not all just one big fix.



And its really really funny.

Good points about working at weekends

This isn't a whiny post, I am here, to an extent, by choice.

Good points?

1) I can actually get some work done without my job getting int he way
2) It's a lot easier to justify eating junk food at lunch time.

Thats pretty much all I got!

Irritatingly Insipid Introspection

I am developing an increasing love of alliteration can you tell?

Anyway, as the header says this is going to be a dull 'ME ME ME ME ME!' post, so feel free to skip it. I decided to write it after reading about Olivia's change in outlook after making a fairly major decision about moving back to the states.

I’m not sure how I'm going to start this, it may turn into a life story but hopefully I will catch myself and just keep the bits in about opinions and my behaviour. And it is all opinion and entirely based on the way that I've dealt with things in my own life and how I will continue to deal with them because that is what works for me.

So, let’s talk about ruts - we've all been in them, before I went to Uni I was in one for the best part of 6 years. Actually that's not true; it's more like 4 and a half. Point is, I was in a crappy job (with some part time jobs on top of that) living with my parents with little to no prospect of busting out of the rut I was in and no view of how I even COULD get out of it. That's the thing, it is easy to get into the psychological trap of believing you're in a situation that you have no control over and that you'll have to wait some time before you can make any changes.

It's that last part I always had a problem with, I can't make actual defined plans because they are always wildly unrealistic or require a certain amount of things to be in place first. This is why I generally fall over and go and do something else with most things. That is because most things fall into 3 categories in my world - Things That Don't Actually Matter, Things that Matter and Things I Can't Change. It's not really that simple but essentially that is the system. Most bad things in the 'Things that Don't Matter' box can be improved by changing something in the 'Things that Matter box' or by working around/ignoring or accepting something in the 'Things I Can't Change' box.

All categories gain airtime in my complaining, ranting and general joking though 'Things That Don't Matter' monopolise because that stuff is funnier.

OK, so now you've been blinded by my philosophy, let’s go back to the previous life where I was working a lot and making myself really very ill. I can't follow plans very well, I'm good at the beginning bit (sort of) when I am all enthusiastic and I am good at the very end bit but the middle bits are when I go make tacos or get distracted by The Thundercats or something. What I found worked for me was time limits - kind of the 'lets see how things go until X, if its still crap I am going to do this thing'. Where 'this thing' is a definitive action that will force me to go do other stuff. In our example the move was actually 2 things, enrol in a college course and to hand in my notice.

It was the time limit that changed my mood though; it was the knowledge that there was a finishing post to aim for. It allowed me to voice my concerns about my future and make it known that I wasn't happy with the way things were going. Because I don't follow through on a lot of things (see categories of 'Stuff' above) and my age at the time, it’s understandable everything I said was taken with a pinch of salt. When the time came, I handed my notice in and suddenly there was an overwhelming desire to offer me more money, better prospects and some kind of career progression but I showed no interest and went off to college.

The first time I went to college didn't work out because I was really quite ill at the time and unable to read or write for much of that year but I went back 18 months later. The year I went to college for the second time was the worst I've ever had for reasons I won't bore you with (because the rest of this is so thrilling!) but managed to complete and get to University.

Point is all of this was based on a decision and a time limit I set myself. There was no time limit on when I should be done by just when I should start by; I had a start point and an end point. The start point was 'leave this job', the end point was 'get qualified, get a career'.

That seems to have worked - not everything went perfectly along the way, indeed a lot went horribly wrong but that's the beauty of not having a plan.

I am now in the fortunate position of having a decent job that I am good at and that I am currently valued for. There have been ups and downs here that have made me question whether I want to continue doing what I am doing, so I used the whole timescale thing when that happens but things have always changed for the better before those points come up so I carry on doing what I am doing.

There is a bigger timescale I have in my head that puts everything else into perspective, so the job and the career I currently have have become much more something I can be flexible with because there is an end point if I need one when the time comes, I only have a vague idea of the changes I may make but the timescale is there so I don't really care that much at this point.

OK so it was quite life story-ee, but no one forced you to read it did they?!

Jerry's final thought - Most of the things you think you can't change, you can, and if you can't - why the hell are you worrying about them?!

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

But Misérables apparently doesn't mean Miserable so this blog title loses all integrity after even the most cursory inspection. I'll let you know whenI start to care.

So Hannah came to visit on Friday for the weekend, something I'd been looking forward too with entirely too much enthusiasm and excitement, but then I am essentially a child so, again with the caring and letting you know.

I'd made a big fat beef stew in the slow cooker which came out nicely so we were able to collapse in our seats and watch some Invader Zim before going to bed. The reason for the visit was due to a delayed Christmas present, rather than an actual thing I'd got tickets to go and see Les Misérables at the Queen's Theatre on Shaftsbury avenue. It's a long and boring story but basically, it was Hannah's present so I wanted to make it her choice (not least because I have no idea when it comes to what is good and what is not in Theatreland!). Turns out Les Mis was her favourite musical, so there you have it.

I was fairly asure I would at least like it, I've been to a couple of operas and enjoyed the experience (except for Francesca da Rimini which is bloody awful) and I'd heard a couple of Les Mis songs in the past and they seemed tolerable.

Anyway, long story short. Go and see it, it is absolutely astonishing. I have nothing bad to say about it and I have no piss to take from it - this is a ridiculous rarity - normally I can find something to have a joke about even about things that i love. I enjoyed it so much I actually felt guilty about getting her a ticket for the show as a Christmas present, as I got at least as much enjoyment out of it as she did!

I can't stress enough how much you should go and see this show, if only for the amazing spinny, rotating, super transformer, Mechano-esque set!

Best weekend I've had since moving, bar none.

The Apprentice

And so another battery of 'Reality' tv begins. I watched some of this show a few years ago, and as is always the case with things like this, if I carried on watching I would get an embolysm. Unfortunately people start discussing it at work - who is best, what they did wrong, who should be voted off blahblahblah.

The premise for this show is what I find most funny. As with all shows of this type, the country is trawled and the most loathsome pieces of filth are dredged up and paraded in front of the TV. The difference between this show and other shows is that these ones wear suits.

Now, everyone on any reality show has a massively inflated ego that vastly dwarfs their actual talent, but this one is truly amazing because they are competing for a job that pays a huge some of money (it was 100k per annum when I saw it 3 or 4 years ago). They go about this with a lot of gusto, incompetence and hot air (hey! maybe I should apply?!). My favourite parts are when the say 'I am the best in the world at X!' or 'No one can possibly compete with me in business because I have the sharpest mind in the world!'.

OK, so that leaves one question then doesn't it? How is it you need to go on a show in order to win a competition rather than go out and actually get a job on your own merit, make your fortunes that way? I think you'll find its because there are people out there infinitely better than you, in more ways than one.

I think you could probably condense all reality shows into one big 'Last Man Standing' cage match. It would be cheap, entertaining and would have the added bonus of removing these people from the gene pool.

This is what I'm like when I hear these shows being discussed, so you can see that by not watching them I am probably providing a great deal of public safety.

Irony

I had a massive post here about the lazy way in which we Brits use the 'Americans have no sense of Irony' or 'they don't understand sarcasm properly' kind of comments in order to give ourselves a fuzzy sense of intellectual superiority. It was thoughtful and I thought quite good, basically blaming the media that comes out of America and the examples that we are presented with through popular culture that reinforce that inaccurate setereotype - for example :



However, as I was writing I was listening to Stephen Fry's podgrammes number 2 and he opened with pretty much the same comment and attacked the sentiment with far more vitriol and eloquence than I could possibly muster and also I do enough plagiarism on the podcast without it spilling over into this blog. Just bear in mind that I am a hypocrite and will no doubt be guilty of rash generalisations to this effect again at some point in the near future. Just be assured that when I use the term 'Americans' I am aiming at a particular subset of the 300+ million of them and have bee too lazy to make that difference clear. Just like when I talk of 'America' I am usually discussing the government.

Anyway, just to prove that this entire statement is a complete nonsense:

Clicky

Album Review? Well, why the hell not!

OK, so as you all know one of my favourite new gadgets over recent months has been my DAB radio, especially thanks to 6 Music. With the exception of the venal, vapid, banal gobshite that is George Lamb it's like listening to and independent record store. You know the kind, you walk in and the guy behind the counter knows absolutely everything there is to know about every album. Also the music is totally random, sometimes like listening to someone's personal playlist. You could be listening to the latest track by Arcade Fore one minute followed by an obscure track by the Dresden Dolls the next. As I say, George Lamb seems to be someone they wanted on Radio 1 but didn't have any room so put him on this otherwise great station. I don't normally care about DJs but I object to someone interviewing top class bands and evidently having no idea who they are because he isn't aware of anything outside the top 10.

Anyway, I digress. George Lamb has flaws too numerous to go into here.

TThe point is that I have cancelled my cable TV because I only watch it because it happens to be there and much prefer sitting around reading with the radio on in the background. About a month ago I heard a song come on called Grounds for Divorce by Elbow, and amazing track that I loved. Luckily for me, 6 Music also started playing album tracks from the upcoming album including The Bones of You and The Fix.

I actually found myself getting frustrated after finding out that the album wasn't due to be released until last week, which is not like me - I generally just add to my music collection almost on a whim. It finally arrived yesterday and I have to say that it is a brilliant piece of work. I am about to wax a bit lyrical here so apologies in advance! I've never heard such a melancholic sound that brings no hint of melancholy with it. The album is at once poetic, witty and (from a layman's viewpoint) musically astounding. I can't telly how much I love this album, it's not often music 'speaks to you' but this album does it. I'm not entirely sure what it's saying but I don't really care, it's an absolute joy to listen to and you should go buy it right away. It's called The Seldom Seen Kid. Go, now! I feel a complete idiot for barely having heard of this band before, but then I've never been accused of having my finger on the pulse!

Incidentally, Guy Garvey the lead singer also has a 6 Music Show at 10pm on Sunday's as well as having his fingers in lots of musical pies as a producer and writer.

Shameless plug

We've uploaded another podcasty thingy and we should be on iTunes tomorrow provided we haven't said anything too libelous. http://geeksnammo.podbean.com/feed

[Edit]Episode 3 is now up too, this one almost sounds competent[/Edit]

Promise to stop plugging our egotrip now!

....and some more about food...

I started writing a response to 'Livs comment on the Thai food post but it was getting a bit lengthy so writing another rambling post instead!

Firstly 'Liv contends that Asian food is surpassing Indian as Britain's favourite. This doesn't surprise me at all, the British are all too fickle and in the modern age fail to show loyalty to one foodstuff or another. I am a true Brit and like traditional, home cooked, traditional, honest, traditional Indian food like our ancestors used to make.

So I went to the Thai place last night and it was very yummy, as expected. The room had that traditional seating with the cushions on the floor and the low tables. This was very cool but I suspect is there purely for the entertainment of the staff as they watch us all squirm about trying to work out exactly how to sit for any prolonged period without the need of the services of a chiropractor.

I had a pork won ton style affair for a starter and a spicy duck stirfry with egg fried rice for the main dish. I'm afraid I wasn't very adventurous this time around, I am usually quite cagey when I haven't been somewhere before unless I know with reasonable certainty that they use good ingredients and cook well.

Anyway, it was all great. As I say, we were in this special room with the low tables and cushions so we were obliged to take our shoes off and they were put away in a concealed cupboard. Ig you wanted the toilet, or go outside for a cigarette? It's OK, they supplied slippers for you to wear when you leave the room!

The only really disappointing thing wasn't, I suspect, really the restaurant's fault but more the fault of the area they have chosen to set up shop. There were no chopsticks at the tables, the default being spoon and fork. Now I prefer chopsticks with this kind of Asian food, I am crap with them but I do prefer them. I actually found it weird eating with fork and spoon, but to ask for chopsticks seemed a little pretentious to me so I didn't ask. Don't get me wrong, lots of people hate trying to use chopsticks and in places I have been before then they ask for cutlery and they are given cutlery. This is fine, I just think its a little sad that the propensity for this is so common that this place has chosen to go for cutlery by default. Or maybe I am just upset because I am crap with chopsticks so its almost like having a puzzle game whilst I eat.

All in all, if you're in Guildford go to Rumwong because it is yummy!

Again with the food....

I am off out tonight to a Thai restaurant in Guildford for a friend's birthday celebration. The place looks awesome and the people who's birthday celebrations these are rate it it very highly in terms of the food.

I've taken a look at the menu and it all looks yummy, if a little limited in the choice. I am slightly disappointed because there don't seem to be many duck dishes - something I often go for when in a particularly good Thai Restaurant. It's all good though, I love thai food and really want to learn to cook it from scratch without pastes etc, the same way I do with Indian food right now (I know its not 'authentic' but its as close as I will get!).

What sets this apart from other nights out is that I am not drinking as I am driving the shiny new(ish) Matt Mobile! So far I've not missed drinking when out and about when driving, though this is the first proper night where I am driving. I'm not sure if there are shenanigans after the meal, if there are I may cave in and steal soem floor space this evening!

Anyway, I'll let you know about the food, cos I can tell you are all giddy with anticipation.

I pledge allegiance.....

Are you fucking insane?!. Seriously, a pledge of allegiance? Can you think of anything more demeaning, patronising or vomit inducing?!

Now according to the Hollywood documentaries I've watched like Kindergarten Cop and Speed, this kind of thing is done in American schools but they don't even do it to a country or an unelected figurehead but to a rag on a pole. I'd be interested to hear how widespread this is though, or even if it is compulsory? Essentially Jo I am asking you as my token American reader!

Seriously though, what a ridiculous idea? I've always found this kind of thing quite insidious and more indicative of a society heading towards authoritarianism, a ruling class so insecure it needs to force the populace into empty gestures of loyalty. The sad thing is that if this kind of thing becomes the norm, which I doubt it will - I have great faith in this country's teenagers ability to subvert anything so 'pure'. But if it does become the norm, what happens to the people who refuse to take this pledge? Will they be ostracised and villified? Will children choosing not to belch empty platitudes be taught that they are somehow less British, less patriotic?

I really don't like this increasing emphasis from politicians on Patriotism and Loyalty. The very idea that you can measure these things by the things you say, whether you support the government 100% in all things. You can no longer protest outside parliament without booking in advance. You are also not allowed to carry literature or banners or protest in favour of any number of organisations the government has labelled terrorist organisations. Now this isn't just people like Al Q'aeda, but a whole raft of people who are simply considered terrorists by governments we happen to like. Like the PKK for instance. The Turkish government has engaged in several acts of ethnic cleansing against the Kurds and has one of the worst human rights records in the world - but they border Iraq so the American government likes them and they award us contracts to build damns that will ultimately wipe out Kurdish settlements, displacing thousands of people so we like them.

Sorry, off the point. Patriotism. I'll leave you with this. What's more patriotic ina democratic society - to question the motives and the actions of the government that has been elected to serve you, or to blindly fall in line and believe that the priviledged few who have been granted such power always have your best interests at heart and to allow them to erode the liberties and freedoms so many people died to protect in the name of 'protecting you'?

Pulling my finger out

So I've had my own domain name for sometime and done precisely nothing with it. Starting is always a problem with me, I have these great visions of what I want and they become so grandiose that I don't ever end up starting.

So. Instead I am going to use their lame templates for the time being so at least there is somewhere to make my new home, also if you guys prod me regularly to de-lameify the site I might actually be prompted to learn how to do something.

In other news I've uploaded a podcast Nick and I did about 3 months ago, so clicky here to listen on line to cutting edge up to the minute podcasting from December 07 ;) Or if you have a reader thingy put this in : http://geeksnammo.podbeans.com/feed. To avoid disappointment though, just don't listen to it!


[Edit] Decided to remove the embedded player, you can go get it from the source you lazy sods! Should be able to download from here if you don't like the other methods though[/Edit]


This isn't our first effort but it will do for now, we will likely do more whether yo like it or not but we'd still like your feedback. I'll probably avoid advertising it here from now on because I don't want this to become a shameless plug for something that is both unoriginal and almost certainly a waste of time. How can you avoid downloading after such a ringing endorsement?!

Oh Mr Toad!

"Come along! Hop up here! We'll go for a jolly ride! The open road! The dusty highway! Come! I'll show you the world! Travel! Scene! Excitement! Ha ha ha!"

Only a complete idiot would forsake the wonders of public transport in order to start driving up this country's God forsaken motorways, seriously someone would have to have had a lobotomy!

Well, I thought I would just set the tone. It would have been funnier if I meant it - give it a few weeks OK? :D

So I picked up my motory car (essentially a bunch of gadgets on wheels) last week and it still remains in one piece! I am very proud.

I got it in Wales back in the garage I used to work in 10 years ago. On the Friday I drove to Leeds and discovered the wonders of cruise control, it was awesome. This thing is so gadgety I haven't even played with all the buttons yet.

OK so the journey to Leeds was mostly good but I completely forgot that lorry drivers in this country don't so much receive training as get sat in front of a 24 hour Mad Max loop and then put in the cab of a 16 wheeler. I think they regard wing mirrors in the same way they do dangly earrings - sure they are very nice but essentially for girls.

There isn't so much a road system in Leeds, it's more like the local council vomited tarmac spaghetti onto the city and plonked a bunch of signs at random intervals. Luckily I found a use for bluetooth and have Tom Tom on my phone and a blue tooth GPS thingy so I arrived at Astrid's place without killing anyone. We had some birthday shenanigans in Leeds then on Sunday I was off to Hull.

Arrived without incident at Emi's place, on Monday we went for a drive around the area and ended up in Market Weighton. Here we had lunch. I say lunch - I ordered a mixed grill and ended up with a farmyard massacre on a plate. It was lovely but suspect they thought I had invited John Prescott to lunch because it was heavier than me! Met up with a bunch of people in the evening, including a couple of people I haven't seen in a good few years more of whom at another time (this is my travel post!)

On the way back to Surrey the next day all was well, decided I didn't need the Sat Nav and promptly ended up trapped in Watford after temporarily mislaying the M25. I've discovered that people don't actually move to Watford, it's just not possible to leave once you are there. Somehow I found a route out of the impenetrable road system and made it back after stopping off for supplies at Mr Sainsbury's shop.

I now have no money until the end of the month. Luckily, the freezer has been defeating me for months because I keep forgetting to defrost things. As a result I now have a bonanza of goodies in there to see me through and I shall eat like a king! Hah! In your face second hand free freezer! Not so clever now are you?!

That's my travelly thing. I won't be doing this everytime I drive, don't worry but it's about as interesting as me describing what I did in each of those locations (saw some great people, had some good times!). Besides, it's my blog so I don't care!

Transportation Anticipation

[b] This was written last Thursday on the 28th Feb, sorry for the delay! (yeah, like you care lol!)[/b]

Ok so I'm writing this post in TextEdit on the train back home, so this will be posted after the event but the long and short of it is that I am hopefully about to pick up my shiny new(ish) Matt Mobile (as it will be named until such a time as Hannah names it properly). Rather helpfully the public transport system has chosen to continue highlight the wisdom of this otherwise ludicrous seeming purchase.

Firstly, luggage. I've brought a messenger bag, a small rucksack and a laptop bag. I needed an extra bag as I am away until next Wednesday and Mr Maccy the laptop because I am on call later. Even these relatively small items can cause quite a lot of trouble on things like busses and trains, but I am a seasoned veteran and have long since worked out the best way of getting your bags to inhale. No matter how good you are though, any luggage larger than an Oyster card holder earns you scowls and frowns from anyone on the Tube. Child murderers are greeted with more friendly glances than anyone daring to carry luggage.

So I leave my house at a little after 9:15am, catch the bus which is about 15 minutes late at 9:45. Pensioners scowling at me, but then this is Surrey - most people scowl at you, it's a county where the equivalent of Friendly is 'Less Unfriendly'. Anyway, got a train to Waterloo - less scowls here, was quite a lot of space on this train and it actually managed to arrive on time which was impressive - public transport making a last ditch effort to retain my custom!

The efforts were in vain thanks to a guy, I don't know his name - let's just call him Vapid Organ Sack or VOS for short. Don't get me wrong, I understand why bluetooth headsets exist - they are good for people with no arms. And that is it. You shouldn't be on the phone when you are driving, no one is that important and if you think you are the get in the line marked 'Future Bio-Fuel'. Anyway, that point is moot because this particular gimp was on a train with one of those unnecessarily big blue-tooth jobbies on his ear. I work in IT, I've seen what a bluetooth aerial looks like and I can assure you nothing that big is required to hold it - the form factor of those things is purely for people who want to look important, nothing more. VOS proved my point. He was sat on the train, holding his phone IN HIS FUCKING HAND whilst having a lengthy and pointless and loud conversation into his bluetooth ear piece. I can't imagine there was anyone on the other end who could stand to talk to him for that long, I suspect he was trying to make friends with the talking clock.

*breathe*

Vauxhall. I got on a tube train here then appeared to get trapped in some kind of time warp because when I arrived there I had a little over an hour to get to London Euston in order to catch my train, as it was I arrived in Euston with a little under 15 minutes to spare. Most bizarre. Know one really knew why because rather cunningly every time we pulled into a station, the driver would speak over the 2 watt speakers on the train to explain the delay but just as you strain to make out what was being said, the station announcer comes on to warn us to be ever on our guard against suspicious behaviour (Daily Mail definition : Anyone with slightly swarthy skin) on her much more impressive speakers.

Got my train at Euston where I was reminded how fantastic this kind of travel CAN be sometimes. The luggage provision on these things isn't great, which is sort of fine for me with my selection of smallish bags so long as the train isn't too full but for suitcase people it can be a complete nightmare. This guy and his girlfriend got on with the biggest suitcase known to man and were looking for somewhere to put it. I didn't appreciate the size of the thing at this point, I wasn't paying huge amount of attention but I did call him over because the rack near me looked like it could accommodate another case. As it was, his case was too big - at least in the current arrangement. Within about a minute the rack was surrounded by owners of the bags currently in the rack playing a luggage based Bedlam Cube style game in order to get all their belongings plus this new comers case into the rack. It was really pleasant to see to be honest. The extra time spent meant the guy didn't disembark in time (turns out he was just dropping his girlfriend off) and is now doomed to a round trip to Chester, but still.

So now I am hoping we arrive on time, my dad picks me up at Chester station to drive back to Wales so I can proceed to get the car. I know me though, something will almost certainly go wrong, I will have forgotten something fundamental so I can't get the car or I will forget to turn the steering wheel or something.

So this is the most efficient journey home public transport has to offer and by the time I get there I will have taken a little over 5 hours - which really isn't that bad at all. By car it's anywhere between 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 hours (or 9 if you are my dad and don't believe in maps or directions). but there is the luggage thing, the convenience thing and the fact I can just go based on my timetable not someone else's. That and the fact that it took me longer to get from Fetcham to Euston that it will from Euston to Chester.

Maybe now they have lost such a valued customer we will get the radical public transport overhaul we have all craved for!


PS - Don't worry I still won't be saying 'I need a car'. If I needed one, I would have bought one that was necessary, not shiny and buttony!

Still Alive

Just been prodded back into life by Livvy.

Don't worry, your grumpy neighbourhood purveyor of ill informed and barely coherent opinion will be returning this weekend with a Bumper Bonza Bonanza of Blogging. Well....2 posts, one of which I wrote on the train last Thursday.

Also there should be some podcast goodness, one is about 3 and 1/2 months old and we are talking about 'new' technology, so it will be like voices from yesteryear! Just as soon as I can get Nick round the [strike]flat[/strike] studio that is. There should be a new episode too and you can all start wondering about the mystery episode 0. Oh, if you can think of any content you think we should have just email geeksnammo[at]gmail[dot]com. That's our work in progress name for the thing but if you have anything better, email it in - there may even be a prize!.....oooh....might have found something to talk about there......

The Spanish Inquisition

This institution is often misunderstood, most historians report it as a tool of persecution used against heretics and other enemies of the Catholic church, abolished due to its cruel methods and various other horrible things.

This is not true and no amount of 'evidence' or 'facts' will sway my mind. The Inquisition was nothing more than a forerunner to a modern day corporate phenomenon - the Performance Review.

In the early 15th century the Catholic Church got its head of HR- Tomas Torquemada - to come up with a strategy for making the CC the leanest, meanest purveyor of bigotry and fairy tales on the planet. Importantly they needed everyone to forget that the whole vow of poverty thing didn't apply, and that sitting in a palace full of treasure was really OK by God.

Torquemada pioneered what is today The Performance Review - where you are dragged over hot coals whilst being questioned in order to justify your existence (though in the 25th century there was less gift for metaphor and this was literally true). The process continues until the reviewer is told the things he wants to hear - The company is wonderful and all is right with the corporate strategy.

Torquemada and his successors were not ones to rest on their laurels and continued innovate throughout the ages. Dragging over hot coals soon became remarkably passé, though sometimes was used for nostalgias sake. Pokers, Iron Maidens - a whole variety of performance enhancing techniques were utilised in order to ensure reviewees got the best out of their performance review. Sadly, most did not survive the process in order to reap the full benefits but in a competitive religious market, the strong survive and....well everyone else does what they say or perish in a variety of unpleasant ways.

Torquemada's revolutionary techniques served to slim down the competition, keep the Church hungry and on their toes and increased market share of the Catholic Product. Sadly the Inquisition was wound up as an initiative in the 19th century - though practically this happened much earlier due to the ill fated arrival of the Enlightenment. As a result the Catholic Brand has suffered several blows to its credibility - things that would never have come to light under the inquisition come to the fore without its protections and general torturing reviewing of victims participants.

Happily for us, there are a enough twisted, soulless, maliciously minded people in the world to work in HR and take up Torquemada's legacy and keep it going into the 21st century and the Inquisition continues to evolve in the private world to this day.

"Welcome to Perth...........

........The Capital of Western Australia. It's 4 hours closer than Sydney"

This advert never fails to make me laugh, it is a brilliant piece of targeted marketing. Essentially it is saying 'We are marginally closer than somewhere you actually want to go to'.

Now while I will complain endlessly and then buy an unnecessary car as a result of spending the best part of 7 hours traveling little more than 250 miles on public transport, I consider 26 hours to travel to the opposite side of the world quite reasonable. I don't think I'd find myself 22 hours in to the trip thinking 'Bollox to Sydney, drop me off here'.

At first I thought 'Who is going to be dumb enough to pick a holiday location based on proximity?! Surely if you're going to Oz, the budget isn't a massive issue?'. Then I remembered that The Sun has a circulation of over 3 million and the Daily Mail over 2.3 million and my question was answered. I live in a nation where 4 hours is considered by many an Odyssey from which man may not return and requires all weather clothing and Kendel Mint Cake.

OK, perhaps an exaggeration but if that kind of advertising is going to work on anyone its the British!

I wonder if it could work on a more local level on the English 'Come to Wales, closer than Ireland with marginally less need to pretend not to be English'.

King of The Rant

I've made some anti-religious rants in my time. I think I am very good at it, but this 7 minute rant against Abrahamic religions by Marcus Brigstocke on Radio 4's The Now Show really ranks up there at the top of the Best Rants Ever list!

At least I have something to aspire to. (Ignore the visuals, whoever put this on youtube clearly thought he was being clever).

TV show advertising

2 things that have made me laugh out loud today on the TV:

UKTV Gold:

A season of hit blockbusters exclusively on UKTV Gold! Starting this Friday with the Smash Hit Movie 'Waterworld!

And before an episode of Spooks on Hallmark:

(In dramatic voice)

"Next time you are on a train or a bus or a plane, ask yourself.......is this the one with the bomb on it?! This episode of Spooks is too real for comfort..."

Genius. Though quite comforting all things considering - knowing that there is only one bomb really does put things in perspective - I mean there must be literally millions of buses, planes and trains all over the world and with only one bomb I fell pretty damned safe!

Badger-Cam!

Only through observing the righteous can we hope to help defeat the feline menace!

Clicky

Home, Hills, Myths and Legends - The Columbo Exit

.........Just one more thing.

After visiting Arthur's crappy house, I went down to the local Citroén dealer that I used to work at, fully intending to price up a Diesel C4.

But then I saw a special edition 1.6i model ('By Loeb') in black and sort of got gadget fever and certain elements of logic abandoned me.....now if I can just find that Transformer button......





Mine looks more like the 3 door Coupé in the first vid, though obviously it is better than that. I'll stick a pic up later if I can find it again, it looks sportier than it is, it will still average nearly 40mpg, closer to 50 on the motorway. The sooner I forget the diesels go closer to 70 the better! lol! I should be picking it up around the end of the month.

I am definitely not excited! No sir!

[Update] Photo-ness:



That's all I got so far. And no, I am not going to stop going on about it :p

Home, Hills, Myths and Legends - Part 2

Now. Arthur's Castle/Palace, whatever?

OK so I've been brushing up on the legends and folklore of Wales, especially around my home area. What I really like about a lot of these stories is that they often explain the names of various places in Wales and also they are native tales, not those taken from the cultures of various invaders as has happened with a lot of English folklore.

Now from my cursory research there appears to be various combinations of antagonist and hero in everyone of these tales - each of which can be selected in any combination from the following list:

1) King Arthur
2) One or more of his Knights
3) A Saint (of which there appear to be many)
4) One or more Giants (Of which there appear to be even more)
5) Dragons. It's on our flag, of course there were dragons!

Most landmarks, quirks of geography and some place names appear to be explained through the activities of Giants and subsequent hissy fits by Giants. Moel Fenlli is named after a giant who lived there called Benlli Gawr. Moel Fenlli is the other hill in the Clwydian range. Using the Ordnance Survey International 'Happy Mondays Hill Classification System', it is the Bez of the Clwydian range.

Saints appear quite a lot - Llanarmon-Yn-Iâl literally means 'The Church of St Garmon in Iâl'. St Garmon sorted out Benlli Gawr after he tried to help some Picts invade and founded the church in Iâl. Anyway, I digress.

King Arthur obviously appears a lot, being a native Briton and all that. Guinevere is apparently a mutation of Gwenhuifor. There are various tales about him knocking about the place.

One thing that is always true in these tales - if there are Saxons involved, they always lose. Don't think the Romans fare much better to be honest, there is even a tale about how the Saxons were able to invade - as it turns out it was Arthur getting too big for his boots. Tosser.

Right, so thats a few bits in there - my country was essentially formed by tall fat people having tantrums. I am getting a lot of this stuff from an excellent book called 'Supernatural Clwyd'. Hardly an inspiring title bt very well written! I've decided that rather than the constant whining, I am going to reproduce some stories here. Unless of course you don't want me to, but I find it quite interesting and often funny.

Home, Hills, Myths and Legends - Part 1

So I returned to the homeland over the weekend, using 'Dutch Veal Calf Experience Coach Journeys' coach. After being ejected at Chester, Mike collected me in the new Mike Mobile and we headed back to his house for the Chili Of Death If You Are Lucky, beer, Cannibal Women of the Avocado Jungle of Death and a whole load of other crap that he picked out for us. Oh yes, I feel your jealous eyes!

Oh yes, not to be included in crap - we also watched the Trailer Park Boys Movie. I highly recommend you all watch seasons 1-7 of this original and hilarious comedy from Canada. Then watch the movie, it is awesome. Go. Go do it now!
Saturday we were out drinking. I couldn't exactly say who 'we' is, I had been drinking. What I do know is that at some point I agreed it would be a great idea to go walking up one of the local hills (I live right near the Clwydian Range) on Sunday morning.

Hmmmmm.

After a fortifying breakfast of bacon and egg, Mike came round and Pedr (who had availed himself of my mum's couch) bid a hasty retreat. We got supplies (some coke) and headed off. We decided that Moel Famau (Hill of the Mothers) would be too crowded as it tends to be the most popular place for walkers and tourists - it has the remains of the Jubilee Tower on it. So we decided to go up Moel Arthur (unsurprisingly 'home to King Arthur's Palace'):



I took all these with my phone by the way, so theya re a bit naff. You can't really make it out from this angle but there is a ring all around the top of Arthur where the fortifications of the old hill fort used to be back in the Iron Age. Anyway, here are some more pictures from on the way up:



Thats about half way up, its bigger than it looks from the bottom and I don't cpe well with heights. I am particularly not good with plummeting to imminent doom. That little red car is the Mike Mobile.




You can keep going to Offa's Dyke about 3/4 of the way up but we were headed to Bryngaer - the Hill Fort on Moel Arthur.



That little blip is the remains of the Jubilee Tower on Moel Famau in the distance.



That's me in my professional Welsh Hill walking gear stood next to an impressive pile of rocks. I think they felt the need to put something there in the absence of an actual hill fort. It's not quite as good as Painshill Park who put a big cardboard cut out in lieu of an actual feature. I kid you not!

More pics:





SHEEPSES!:



More to follow (don't worry, not more dull crap about me wandering the hills!)

Morrissey

I never used to like Morrisey, I still think hje is a bit of a tosser to be honest. Song wise I never thought I liked him though, all a bit Emo in sentiment before Emo found the guy-liner and guitar.

However, I just randomly remembered a song that used to really like that is apparenly by Morrissey called Boy Racer. I am reticent of downloading it in case it is actually crap and I am giving it the rosy glow that nostalgia gives things. On the other hand it could be like Danger Mouse which is even better when you watch it as a growed up!

I have no idea why I posted this but so what. :D I am going home to Wales this afternoon, it will be good.

Superbowl XLII Part II - updated 12/2/08

More Superbowl pics to follow, including a special guest star from a real life American Football team! You're excited I can tell.

Oh, if you're a Patriots fan - hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhaahhahahah! Unbeaten the whole season and then spooning it when it counts. All that effort, only to end up with the same end to the season as Miami. Who only won one game. Miami only win one game, Patriots only lose one but both are big fat losers. Hah!

I still don't like Eli Manning, but it really was the lesser of 2 evils ;)

More later.

OK more piccies from the evening's festivities:



As promised, we bring you photos of Special Guest Star - Piers Evershed - all star Running Back for the BACFL team The Nottingham Outlaws. Sadly his promising and diamond studded career was blighted by injury and internla politicking where the limelight was stolen by lesser men! He did spend a full season with the outlaws, plus one as a greeter at the Desert Inn.*



Proof, if proof were needed of his playing credentials! It's clear to even the most amateur of fans that this panther like athlete could have made it to the top of his game if fate didn't take him towards Test Management in a mid-table IT consultancy.




The Final and beautiful outcome. Fully deserved in more ways than one!

Take the pre-game - while the Giants pregame consisted of 'We've dreamed of this since we were children, we have to do our best to take this - we have to win!' and things of that ilk, the Pats were 'Lets not take this for granted, we still need to go beat them'. Which essentially means they DID take it for granted and DID see it as a formality. That and the fact that it was just REALLY funny watching the Pats faces as they realised they had thrown it all away!

*Little Baseketball reference for those lucky few to have seen it ;)

Vital Superbowl Perparations

Well here we are, blogging live from the the premier UK Superbowl XLII event at Matt's Flat. Any event of this magnitude requires great preparation, first of all supplies:



As you can see, we have made sure that all attendees are availed of a well balanced snack diet.



Our top Chili-meister Nick has taken over preparations for the Superbowl Super Fuel.





As you can see from these pictures, the atmosphere is electric and they've taken the decision to drink an American brew in deference to the occasion. Matt definitely does not have Grolsch and Cider in the fridge as a back up. No sir!

In addition to this, we have the only Brit to win a Superbowl ring in the Sky commentary team. Scott Mccready (clicky for his awesome, world beating stats!) is perhaps the finest British NFL player ever to feature in a practice squad. No one has exploited 'Right Place, Right Time' quite as well as Scott has done and we give him a big hand for that. However we have decided to support the BBC broadcast of the event, in order to boost the figures. And definitely not because the American commentators know what they are talking about. Definitely not.

In closing - LETS GO GIANTS!

Good -2 Evil -1

Wales toppled the imperialist dogs at that excuse for a stadium Twickenham. There was never a doubt in my mind!

Liverpool (Pedr's team) crushed Sunderland - a team managed by a vicious and evil man who drowns puppies on the sidelines.

Unfortunately the forces of Evil rallied later in the evening when the Leeds Rhinos overcame Hull KR in their righteous battle for supremacy.

So the score stands at 2-1. If the Patriots win tomorrow, it'll be a devastating blow in the fight between good and evil!

Weather people

According to Television yesterday, it is currently raining heavily and very windy. My eyes tell me it is a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining. I am going to spend the afternoon in the pub just in case Mother Nature is trying to trick me with her womanly wiles.

*Cough!* Tosser! *Cough!*

John Kennedy, chairman and chief executive of global music body, the International Federation of the Phonographic Industries, said: "The operators of The Pirate Bay have always been interested in making money, not music."

Pot......kettle........black......anyone??

This could be a new ITV show hosted by Lisa wasserface 'Parasites say the Funniest things!'

Still, not quite as good as how BBC Radio 4 dealt with the Kenya issue. Children dying in bloody slaughter and they hold a phone in about how the Home Office's travel warning affected people's holiday plans. As John Oliver says, 'Now THAT takes some balls!'

Updated Stereotype - Sports, Booze and Excellent Personal Grooming

Except for Waffle of course. He still works on the '1 bath a season, whether I need it or not!' theory of personal hygiene. But then he is my older brother, which in effect makes him a mythical creature*. Essentially it's like having a Unicorn come to visit. Without the horn sticking out of his head. Or, you know, the hooves. General horsey accoutrements and features are in fact entirely noticeable in their absence, as are magical powers. Unless you count the ability to breathe through ones arsehole in order to free up more time for talking a magical power.

In every other way it is EXACTLY like having a Unicorn come to visit.

Pedr** seems to think that going to the pub to watch the Rugby tomorrow is the best idea, I think he's forgotten we are in England. While he is technically English, he has lived in Wales most of his life and so has experienced the Half-Reverse-Vader effect which means he will, in most if not all circumstances, support the forces of good. The Full-Reverse-Vader effect, of course, would involve him renouncing Wales for England on his death and losing his soul just as the struggle was about to be over.

I am hoping to leave work early to meet them in the pub, some might suggest that I may have more success in this endeavour if i actually did some work rather than write this bog. These people are fools and could not possibly understand the complexities and subtleties of my plan! This is mainly because the 'plan' is barely a quarter formed and no complexity or subtlety has yet been introduced but the point still stands!

*Hannah is convinced that no one or thing in creation could possible be older than me, leaving only Mythical creatures as possibilities for 'older' visitors as these things are timeless

**Pedr, Pedwar, Pedro, Pedro Ramirez (International Latin Lover), Piotr, Pietr, Petr. And a million other variations as long as we don't use his one true name. He's like God in that way.

McCain wins Key Florida Election

It seems my views of this chap were outdated, all semblance of principle having been abandoned in the name of the Jesus vote.

Still the term 'Winning an Election in Florida' means something else in the Republican dictionary doesn't it?

3 point Action Plan

This whole buying somewhere to live and furninshing it business is quite convoluted isn't it? At least it is in Surrey where apparently all accomodation is secretly made out of platinum and diamonds. I am going to delay for 6 months whilst I instigate my amazing 3 point Action Plan, detailed below. Oh, if you're a solicitor - kill yourself. That is all.

Matt's Doomed to Failure 3 point Action Plan

1) Quit buying gadgets and useless crap. While you're at it stop buying enough food to survive a nuclear winter.

2) Seriously, why are you looking at that Apple Time Capsule?

3) Don't make me come over there, you don't NEED a fucking hover-board!

It's silly I know - everyone needs a hoverboard.

Sports, Beer, Poor personal hygeine

All the essential ingrediants for a weekend hosting Pedr and my brother Martin (The Waffle).

That's right, after 2 and a half years in Surrey my brother - the product of an unholy union between mouth, monkey and a curly version of Billy Ray Cyrus' haircut - has deigned to visit me.

They arrive on Friday, whence we shall adjourn to a local hostelry to discuss the issues of the day, such as the merits of Heinz over lesser branded baked beans - inlcuding Branston's bold move to make a super-sized bean ina shiny can. Gimmmicks!

Saturday sees Wales rugby receiving their traditional 6 Nations trouncing at the hands of the syphilitic Eton and altogether vicious, cheating and evil English 15 man kicking squad. It is also the Season opener for the Rugby League that evening. I did have some transient plans for going out for the day, showing them the sights, maybe going shopping and having an extended lunch. Insane I know!

Sunday I will be dragging them to Redhill where I will be looking at apartments (when I was a lad they were called flats dagnammit! -Hannah, lets just assume you've shouted 'No they weren't! they were called caves!' shall we? :p), which will no doubt fill them with feelings of joy and excitement. I'll have to keep the Stephen Fry quotes about estate agents to myself for the time being.

Then! The Main Event! The filth that is the New England Patriots vs the marginally less evil New York Giants! I have monday morning off work, so it's a 5am marathon.

Got a meeting now, more later (you can hardly wait can you?)

The Right side of the bed is hugely overrated

There have been a couple of instances over the last month or so where I have woken up - on a work day no less! - and not felt like a complete curmudgeon. Indeed, I've left the house in quite a cheery mood.

This has always ended in disaster and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. The first time it happened I was beset on all sides by a diluvian onslaught which caused me to be very late for work on a day when I really could have done with not being late. For the rest of the day things continued on a downward spiral.

Equally, today felt very perky but was immediately sent into an increasingly dim mood thoughout the morning by a variety of things that conspired to ruin my mood.

Now, those of you who know me know that I am incredibly easy to please, the problem I have is that if I start out pleased and then go to a not-pleased state, returning to the high of pleased is a lot of work. Bad moods last about 12 minutes with me (this is not to be confused with my continual underlying grumpy curmudgeoniness - it IS a word! no need to look it up!) but after that time I am only reset to an annoyed neutral mode.

So. Do away with the right side of the bed and make both of them wrong I say! That way your expectations begin at a an incredibly low ebb and anything good that happens can only serve to improve things and always comes as a pleasant surprise. You end the day better than you started it, without any of the disappointment of having your mood ruined at any point in the day.

I'm a genius. I should totally be a psychologist. I could write books. "Seriously, I'm going to slap you!" and - "15 minutes of Happiness - Because a whole day just isn't possible".

Record breaking shopping times

So I went to visit my friend Hannah in Leamington Spa last weekend and had a very more awesomer time. I even managed to not get horribly drunk the whole time I was there, which Hannah was very thankful for - generally if I am getting horribly drunk it means that whoever I am with pretty much has to follow suit.

Anyway, on the Saturday Hannah, her sister Emma and I went out around the town and I decided I needed to do some clothes shopping - which only served to fill Hannah with dread. Her only previous experiences of me clothes shopping involved me wandering around Hull looking for a shirt to buy. It was a very specific shirt that I wanted and it was only after an hour or so she asked me where I had seen it. Discovering that this was only a theoretical shirt that I imagined must exist somewhere because it was so fetching in my head did not seem to go down very well.

The other instance involved about 2 hours to pick a scarf. This was an equally popular move, as I am sure you can imagine.

Well I am pleased to report that not only did I manage to buy about 7 Tshirts, a pair of pumps and a wallet in a very short space of time, I completely shattered my previous scarf buying record. I could tell I had done well because Hannah wasn't stuffing my spleen into a blender.

We also went to a great Milkshake/Smoothy place called Moo-moos, where my indecision kicked in. That wasn't my fault though - they confuzzled my weak brain with a cornucopia of ingrediants. Was very tasty. Next door was a traditional old school type sweet shop, where we bought all mannner of goodness like Kola Kubes, Rhubarb and Custard etc.

Oh, and if you're looking for somewhere good to have lunch in Leamington - go to the White Horse pub. It is extremely great food. OK, I'll leave it there - that was most of the non-DVD related activities (Robot Chicken FTW!). Once again I failed to take photos, but I am rubbish at that anyway so you're probably better off.

There you go, not only have I given you a 'what I did' post with little to no complaining but also a tourist guide to Leamington Spa! Now. On with the grumping......

When you make something idiot proof......

They'll just make a better idiot.

Hello. My name is Matt, and I've just been upgraded with the new Idiot v2.0 firmware.

Pretty much since moving to Surrey I have done without a freezer. Madness I know, it was costing me a fortune in food. Anyway, so for ages I've been unable to freeze my cooking, buy frozen foods (for those days when you just can't be arsed!) or - most importantly - have ice for my whiskey.

I now have a freezer. I got very excited and ordered lots of food and meat and then put it in there.

Now, however, I am being defeated in an entirely new way - I keep forgetting to take the meat out to defrost so I can cook it. No one is cleverer than me.

If anyone mentions the word microwave I will ban you. :D

1984 - UK Government Training Manual

...the policy of anyone applying for a UK visa will be fingerprinted like a criminal...." - From the comments section of the previous post.

In other news, prisoners are to have RFID tags implanted under their skin so we can track them like the animals they are.

A government spokesman says 'We should all double happy that these double plus good ideas are coming into effect'. This measure is also seen as a future compromise for the fox hunting lobby.

A leaked memo suggests that the 'Rat Cage Hat' is going to be all the rage this summer and will be the fashion accessory of choice in the Government's new Happy Citizen Rehabilitation Centres.

Does anyone know how long we've had a Ministry Of Justice?! I knew they were planning on splitting the Home Office into 2 - Department of Justice and Department of 'Keeping an eye on those swarthy foreign types, and anyone who disagrees with us' or some such, but I thought they were taking the piss! How scary does Ministry of Justice sound? I thought 'Department of Homeland Security' was insidious but I think our penchant for Orwellian language and Tyrant style government departments out does those US amateurs!

What adds to the brilliant irony of the Ministry of Justive is that it used to be called the Department of Constitutional Affairs. I guess when they shifted policy from protecting us and our rights they thought something that implies we are all guilty was more appropriate?

Presumed Consent

This is an open letter to anyone who thinks presumed consent is wrong when it comes to organ donation:

Dig a hole. Get in it. Shut up, you're an idiot.

That's pretty much it, I am using small words so as not to confuse you. About 90% of the British public agree with organ donation apparently but only 20% are on the register. This is because people are lazy and stupid. [Edit] Apologies, these apparently were the wild estimates of an 'expert'. The consent register stands at about 60%.[/Edit]

If you really are such a loathsome human being, you can opt out of presumed consent if you feel strongly about it.

The reason I am so angry about this is because various groups of sanctimonious, self righteous retards are in uproar about the shift to presumed consent. These people think they have a point, and they use a lot of rhetoric, what follows is a translation of everything they are saying in one sentence:

"I would rather sick and injured people die - often slowly and painfully - than have this shift in policy"

Any argument to the contrary is futile because it just ain't true.

Peace with a Bang!

Bush Pushes for Mid-East peace

In other news:

Bill Clinton publishes new book : Fidelity and Me: My life of abstinence
Ted Haggard joins Gay Pride rally
Margaret Thatcher elected new president of the UNISON
Michael Vick new patron of the ASPCA


You get the picture ;)

California Dreaming

When thinking of going stateside it’s always to visit people, and I'm very pleased that Maria lives in Pittsburgh - I really did love that place! I am hoping to go back later this year to watch the Steelers play and to visit Maja again.

Equally I'd like to go to Houston because my friend Daniel Caslassy (friend from Hull University) moved out there a few years ago and works for Pi Studios. In fact he helped develop the Guitar Hero III port for the Playstation 2! If I ever do make it down that way I am hoping to persuade Jo and Dave to meet up for a few drinks, so that they can see that beneath this cynical curmudgeony exterior beats the heart of.......well........a cynical curmudgeon! Of course that would mean them coming up from Dallas - but it's in the same state so it's like driving from Surrey to East Sussex - only about half an hour or so.

At no point have I had any desire to visit California, in fact I would go as far as to say it is one of the places on this earth that interests me the least. Until now.

Nick made me aware of this place. He found it due to the guys over at twit have a food podcast now to go with all their techy stuff! Anyway, the place looks amazing and now I have a reason to go to the sunshine state. This sucks. I have written to the proprietors asking them to relocate with no response, so then I sent them this email:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Matt Jones
Date: Jan 3, 2008 4:05 PM
Subject: International Delivery
To: info@chilimysoul.com

Hi!

I'll cut right to the chase - Is there any chance of you setting up an international Chili smuggling operation? I have yet to taste your Chili as I live in Britain, but I've read and heard a bit about you and think it would be a great idea. I would be glad to become one of your shady UK agents - I have my own dark glasses and a hat. There is a paucity of quality Chili over here, with enthusiastic amateurs such as myself cooking batches up for home use - as restaurants here appear to think adding a tin of tomatoes to some minced beef and threatening the resultant mass with a bell pepper constitutes chili.

I haven't worked out the complete logistics of the operation but I would suggest an entry point into the UK through Holland, via Ferry from Rotterdam to Hull. This ferry is always full of drunk and stoned University students and nobody will be looking for Chili Mules as the authorities will be too busy trying to entice students off the radar tower. Once in the UK I will definitely distribute the Chili throughout the land and spread the good word. I definitely will NOT take it all home and eat it every drop with a spoon the size of my head.

Kind Regards,

Matt

I have yet to receive a reply, which I think is very rude indeed.

Worrying Behaviour

I went to Argos on Sunday; I needed some new bedding for my all-encompassing new Duvet. I experienced a slight frisson of anticipation over the prospect of all new bed stuff.

Afterwards I found myself in a coffee shop listening to an audio book whilst writing a letter and drinking a mug of green tea.

I was beginning to think I'd accidentally become middle class, but then I realised that I had visited Argos so might be safe. Also the fact the letter I was writing was neither strongly worded nor to the BBC but in fact to a friend and contained at least one dinosaur doodle alleviated my worries.

Still, I'll be keeping an eye on my behaviour, in particular with regards to whether I ever start believing anything that the Daily Mail writes.*

I was considering a new hobby the other day but may need to move fast. Basically it involves buying the Daily Express every day for a year (OK a little less than a year now) and seeing how many front pages have the word 'Diana' on them.

*I am not suggesting that all Middle Class people are raving bigots who read the Mail or in fact write strongly worded, dinosaur-free letters to the BBC. It's just that I currentyl live in the South East and the risk of that kind of behaviour is far greater down here. So definitely not a sweeping generalisation of any kind.

Car Buying

Is the inability to get easy access to junk food at lunch time (required due to excess the night before) justification for buying a car?

Having failed to use sound (if unlikely) reasoning (visiting friends and relatives, going camping, road trips, spiralling railfares and decreasing reliability of trains) this is the one my brain tried to pull yesterday. The bottom of the barrel I think?

Possibly. But I do really want a car so once again I am going to try and not throw money at shiny things (that aren't cars). 1 month is my current record, who wants to start the bidding on when I will crumble into a twitching heap this time?

Talk Radio

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and all that stuff to you all! I'll do a post about Christmas soon, if and when I can be bothered -including pictures of Turkor, Destroyer of Worlds. That was before he was defeated in a monumental battle involving Cranberry sauce, home made stuffing and piggies in blankets.

What I'd like to talk about today though is the radio. Since I got my more awesomer DAB radio (see previous post - oh! Nick and Kara got me the accompanying speaker to go with it for Christmas, so now it's full of stereo goodness! :D), I've clearly been listening to a lot of Radio. Mainly I've been listening to the shows I would normally download as podcasts or on the BBC listen again thingy. So instead of a half hour of Russell Howard I now listen to the whole Sunday morning show on 6Music. Highly recommend, very funny indeed. In fact, 6Music has been something of a revelation to me; they seem to employ an inordinate amount of comedians to do their radio shows which is a genius idea. Steve Merchant on Sunday afternoons, John Holmes on a Saturday morning. And Vernon Kay is a good in the mornings when you've had all you can stomach of Moyles and you really need to wake up for work, so Wogan is definitely not the ticket!

Anyway, there is a Dark Side to radio. I have a friend who listens to the radio a lot, mainly as background noise - and so has LBC on a lot - just to listen to the nutters calling in.

I listened to this station late last night and I couldn't believe what it was like. Essentially the format is that you get someone who believes everything they read in the Daily Mail and give him a radio show late at night. Then people call him up and give him their opinions on things. That's about it really, that's the extent of the complexity. So you have this bilious little man complaining about things like 'Winterval' (this wasn't last night, I'm saving the best until last). For those that don't know what this is, I'll explain the facts. Birmingham City Council launched Winterval in order to attract business to Birmingham's newly regenerated town centre. It ran for 3 months and was intended to cover all the major winter festivals. Winter. Festivals. Winterval. See what they did there? So it covers Guy Fawlkes, Diwali, New Year, Hannukah and anything else you can imagine. The Bishop of Birmingham complained they were trying to PC Christmas by pandering to the 'Politically Correct Brigade' (do they get a uniform do you think?) and the tabloids, like the Daily Mail, pounced on it and blamed the Muslims.

They did the same thing this year, despite the fact that Winterval was ended 9 years ago thanks to the reactionary, lazy hacks that populate our media.

Anyway, the kinds of people who phone in to this show at 1am are the kind of people who write those articles. Only these ones probably can't write........so actually exactly like someone who writes for the Daily Mail.

As I say, I was listening to this show and they start off sort of legitimately - commenting on the state of the air pollution in Beijing and how it will adversely affect the athletes in attendance at the Olympics - this is actually a very real problem. Thankfully, all semblance of a reasonable discussion fell away in the face of stupidity tinged with a healthy dose of xenophobia and bigotry. I am going to write some of this down next time because his exact words fail me, but here is the gist of his contribution to the airwaves:

1) All Chinese people smoke like chimneys so the pollution will benefit their athletes. - I think this was sort of intended as a joke but the use of the words 'those people' and 'they're funny over there' kind of indicated where the rest of this as going!
2)
They're weird over there, they invented paper and explosions. - this is a direct quote and appeared completely unrelated to anything else he was saying.
3) - And this is my favourite. - How can they be so advanced but still eat using knitting needles? (at this point the host chips in with 'environmental concerns' about disposable chopsticks). Both the host and caller then started complaining about how difficult it was to use chopsticks, especially with their 'slimy food'. Essentially saying that they couldn't grasp the most simple of concepts, so it should be banned.

I do love that the dreams of Empire still live on in talk radio - If it's not the same as we do it in Britain, it must be wrong!

I'll do a better job of reporting this stuff in the future, it is an absolute mine of idiocy!

Completing the Digital Circle

So I was shopping online for presents at the weekend, one of the things I bought was a DAB Radio for my Mum's kitchen. I decided to get a her a refurbished top end one ratehr than a mid-raneg one for the same price, it's a pretty sweet PURE model. She won't understand why this radio is better, but 'it won't crackle and hiss' should suffice and so long as she doesn't look it up anywhere she won't complain that I spent more than 29p on her at Christmas time.


There is no danger of her reading this, I would be missing several internal organs by now if she did.

Anyway, whilst shopping I stumbled on a DAB Radio I ended up ordering for myself:



And yes, the volume does go up to 11.

Office work and the Coffee flavoured beverage

I work in an office. You're jealous, I can tell. We have ancient coffee machines in the kitchen area, 2 of them. One of which at any given time is broken, both of which (when working) dispense a hot brown liquid. The designers of the machine were told what coffee was, where it came from and when people like to drink it most often. They then went away to design the machines with malice of forethought.

These people were the same people who designed Sony Sonic Stage software - a piece of software that could only be made worse if the monitor were to shoot pins into your eyes while you used it. They are the same people who are responsible for Paddy's hated automated announcer. They are the ones that pay Gary Bushel and stop him from dying horribly and painfully. They hate you.

So they designed a machine that not only breaks at precisely 8:17am every morning but got someone who has never tasted coffee before to make the beverages for the machine so that what you get is an artist's impression of coffee. They then took this machine to the people responsible for things like this in our company. These people are not bright, they are kept away from sharp objects and count drooling as chief amongst their hobbies. The evil faux coffee machine designers sell their device to the hapless droolers, taking advantage of their docile and vapid nature - putting the machines on a 10 year maintenance lease that costs a fortune.

In short, I am buying 2 coffee machines next year - one for my desk at work and one for home. In the mean time I am very lucky in that I am British, so although I prefer lots of coffee in the mornings, I can run entirely on tea for weeks at a time.

Wikipedia Meme

Nicked this of a friend on Facebook (Alyson), don't normally do MeMes but I like this one!

"Go to the Wikipedia home page and click random article. That is your band's name. Click random article again; that is your album name. Click random article 15 more times; those are the tracks on your album."

Band Name: Siemomysł of Pomerania
Album Name: The Scarlet Citadel

Track 1: Aristolochia cucurbitoides
Track 2: General Medical Council
Track 3: Cooperative Research and Development Agreement
Track 4: Trial of Saddam Hussein
Track 5: Viking FK
Track 6: Vanilla Sky (soundtrack)
Track 7: Anthony Lowther (of Marske)
Track 8: Lord High Commissioner
Track 9: Donnybrook!
Track 10: Shelly Manne
Track 11: List of asteroids/132701–132800
Track 12: Lestko
Track 13: KYRE
Track 14: Francisco Herrera the Elder
Track 15: Trans Caribbean Airways


Also, you should all buy a Single that is released today by a band called Circle 3. So go do it already!

Spare Parts

When I was little, if my dad saw a car that was vaguely similar to ours he would put his foot down and gleefully shout 'Spare Parts!'. This was great fun, though I did get funny looks off people as I would shout 'Spare Parts!' at passing cars whilst we walked down the street. Take heed of the influence you have over young children!

Another thing I did when I was very young was pick up a Donor card when I was at the doctor's surgery; I was about 6 I think. I'd seen adverts on the TV about people, who would otherwise be dead, walking about being grateful to some poor individual who was unfortunate enough not to be. All because the dead person carried around a bit of card which said it would be OK to use them as spare parts for someone who may otherwise die. This seemed like very good sense to me, even at that tender age, the only bit that confused me was 'Why the card?'. My mum said it would be OK if I carried one about so long as I understood what it meant, I said something about Dr Higgit poking my eyes out and gluing them to someone else - what could be simpler?

She did try to explain about the card, but it's difficult to explain to a 6 year old how anyone would not carry the card around with them.

There's this story on the beeb at the moment that prompted this post. It's not the use of ex-addict's organs that concerns me (I have no doubt the Mail and the Sun have 'Crack Transplant Horror!' or some such as a headline today), but the fact that there has to be a debate about whether or not to let people opt out of the transplant scheme, rather than opt in. This is a much more sensible process. This way, all the people who are simply to lazy to fill out the forms, or are ignorant of the fact that they need to do so in order for their organs to be used will be eligible to help save lives in the unfortunate event of their death.

Of course there are the hardcore religious who will opt-out because they interpreted some words in a cobbled together fairytale to mean that they aren't allowed to help their fellow man. Ironically making Jehovah's witnesses less Christian than most non-Christians. These are stupid people and can be forgiven to an extent but there will be a small number of selfish, horrible people who will opt out for even more spurious or self serving reasons, at some point one of these may require a transplant and it will be interesting to see how they would be dealt with. Personally I think we should go for the nightclub approach - 'If you're not on the list, you're not coming in'.

So. If you haven't already, go get a donor card until this retarded state of affairs is put right.

School Dinners

Is pretty much what we get in the work canteen. Early 90s school dinners where the meat has been recovered from the bits that Mcdonalds won't use.

On the menu today? Turkey, stuffing and cranberry pasty.

Oh the humanity.

Of course if I had the sense to bring in my left overs from home, I wouldn't have this problem but as we've already discussed, I'm a moron. Greggs is is then!

Good Days

So far today I've been head hunted, always an ego boost (yeah, like I need it!) and found this:



Now if only they could make it hover and make the proper PacMan noises.....

Cash in the Attic

Yes, that's right. I am using the name of a ropey daytime TV show as a dubious segway to my post. I really am THAT desperate for material. No one is cooler than me.

So I have a MacBook at last! I haven't posted anything here with it yet, you would have noticed - it would have looked slightly more beautiful than the other posts. At least that is my understanding of how these things work - I'll probably write something on the tech blog at the weekend about it. Or not as the case may be ;)

Anyway, I also now have an iPod - I know, I'm an idiot. I am trying to remove my need for the PC in the flat so that I am solely using the laptop but Zune doesn't work with Mac. Like ever. So I bought a Nano - which was idiotic because they simply don’t' have the capacity I would need to replace the Zune. So then I replaced it with an iPod 80. I know, really I know. I'm not a huge fan of them but it works on Windows and on Mac so.....

Anyway, all of which brings me to the post title - see how I got there by glossing over my barely simian fiscal reasoning? I am digging through all the crap I have wasted my money on over the last couple of years - Saturday is when the main dig begins - and then I am going to launch an ebay extravaganza with bargains galore. It'll be amazing and I hope to make upwards of 37 pounds.

In other news, I will be moving my TV (currently used as a Monitor, TV, Xbox Display) and the 360 into my Room With A Table in an effort to make it more front roomy. We are considering buying furniture for said room but I wouldn't hold my breath - most furniture has no buttons and the technology really hasn't moved on since the invention of the chair. Hover-chairs - that'll get me to IKEA. There aren't many things that can't be improved by adding a Hover aspect to them.