Friday Brain Dump

A series of shorts today folks! I'm not laying out summer leg wear out contiguously, just......I'm sure you know what I mean. Mind has been wandering about today and I've been quite busy and I find it hard to have a coherent thought at the best of times. Anyway, here is some stuff:

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Bill Gates in non-Evil shock!

Ok, say what you like about Bill Gates's Company and the software they produce. Feel free to attack his sharp business practice and his downright cheek at copyrighting things he nicked off other people. Feel free to invoke a curse that infests his nether regions with flesh eating insects every time you see the Blue Screen Of Death. Scratch your head thinking 'WTF?!' wheh the error message 'Not enough memory to delete file, please delete some files to free up more memory' pops up.

Unfortunately, he isn't the being of supreme, bad jumper wearing, evil he is often portrayed to be. OK, he doesn't tell the truth a whole lot and he is trying to take over the world.

You can't deny the Billions of dollars he has donated to African charities or the foundation he set up to promote education in these countries.

I still reckon he has a Platinum swimming pool and an army of Molemen that do his evil bidding though.

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Tosser

I was going to qualify this but changed my mind. Suffice to say I am not a raging right winger, occupying most of my time on the left. We can do without self serving pricks like this though.

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Once I've ridden the bike a bit more and have collected sufficient levels of mud and grime on it, I am going to take a few pics of it with my new phone, thus killing two showing off birds with one gloating stone. The reasons for the mud are clear, I am attempting to demonstrate Rugged Outdoorsmanship.

Either that or I will fall off the bike into a big puddle and break my phone and probably my face.

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Confabulate.

What an awesome word.

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"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."

Officially Educated

That's right folks, today I officially graduate from the University of Hull. I am not attending the ceremony for a variety of reasons, chiefly that my parents wouldn't be able to make it which renders the whole circus largely irrelevant. Also there are time and money issues that are far too dull to go into. So I am now fully in the ranks of the Professional apparently. Go Me.

I kind of messed up my final year project in a fairly catastrophic way, for various reasons, which has resulted in me getting a 2:2 rather than the 2:1 I was aiming for. I was annoyed with myself for a little while, then realised I had been offered the job I wanted which is what your degree is for after all, anything else is a bonus. I had a fantastic time while at Uni and got a degree as well, so kind of ticked all the boxes I think?

OK, so I wasn't able to attend the ceremony and don't have the photo, this is a shame. Luckily RoboMatt is imbued with the soul of Michaelangelo and has been able to cunningly craft a Graduation photo from my work mugshot "using the latest 3D rendering software" that is indiscernable from an original! I present it here to you, behold the skills of a true artist:



It's all very strange. Any photo taken of me in a social setting, I am always in a weird pose or pulling an odd face. Official type photos - always hungover.

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In other news, this bike riding is demoralising me. Even in my weakened and Fitness Peon-like state, I should be able to manage 2 miles without feeling like I am about to die from a leg explosion. I have no idea how exactly a leg explosion would manifest itself in terms of how the explosion would occur, but I think you'll agree that it doesn't sound pleasant.

It doesn't help when the office is seemingly populated by seasoned Tour de France Veterans who take the "Long Way" to work via Milton Keynes whilst reading Lance Armstrong's Biography. It's OK though, it's fine. I'm enjoying it despite the arctic conditions and the discomfort, I like having a Bike again.

I'm resisiting resuming my long long since expired subscription to Mountain Biking UK magazine. Magazines about hobbies and past times make you buy things you suddenly 'need'. I need some bike lube stuff, tire tools and a spare tube and maybe a few other maintennance bits but that's it! No Bike upgrades until at least next year, and only then if I get serious. I'm putting this in writing, link to this post and remind me in 6 months if I start making 'buying bits/upgrades for the bike' noises.

Use these words: 'You're never going to get to go on Holiday if you buy that!'

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Going for a few drinks tomorrow after work, which is good becasue I think I've forgotten what the inside of a pub looks like. I'll take a good long look tomorrow night.

On Saturday my mate Jenny is coming over and we are going to spend the evening watching the A-Team and eating curry, if I can eprsuade my flat mate to lend us his A-Team DVDs. It'll be awesome, trust me. Don't be thinking it was my idea either! She's the one who suggested we watch the A-Team. Granted the curry was my idea, so I guess it's a joint effort. I haven't seen her since before Christmas so be good to catch up, she has a new boy called Tom who sounds pretty cool so she's been a bit busy. So it looks like I am going to redevelop my social life this month which can only be a good thing.

My social life doesn't just extend to the A-Team and curry you understand, though that should be enough for any sane person. Got the big work do next week which should involve plenty of drinks and merriment! Then off to the Church, some comedy type club in London on the Sunday with Sam and her friend. On Monday 5th I think I agreed to go with her to see The Bigger Picture too. It's some TV show with Graham Norton apparently. Plenty of other stuff that I think i have already mentioned here before.

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Got Pay review coming up in work over the next few weeks. I am not due for any kind of actual review of my salary until June but they hold the reviews in February for everyone. I looked at the system. It's kind of like a really complicated version of 'Tell us, in 1000 words or less, why we should give you more money.....'. It's all very exciting.

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I was going to do a big post about Mcvities HobNobs. I still may do sometime soon but there needs to be a requirement for me to push it to the top of the 'To Blog About' list. I mean are there any sick freaks out there who actually dispute that this Mighty Creation is the King of all things Biscuit?

Intrepid Mountainbike-a-teer!

I have my bike! Woohoo! I am very happy.

This is probably the best new benefit they've added to the package they give us at work. There are 2 government initiatives, one is to do with buying computers and the other is buying Bikes. Now the computer one is a rip off as their selected vendor inflates the price before discounting it if you know what I mean? The idea is you pay for these things Tax-free over the year.

Anyway, I digress. Cycle2Work is what the scheme is called. You choose a value of voucher, this is used to pay for your Bike and the bit you pay for. It's over the year, you pay monthly but it is a Tax Free value so you don't actually pay the full amount. At the end of the lease period you should be able to buy the Bike at about 10% of it's value, so that's all good. Also you get 10% of it's value in accessories for free.

OK, that's the dull bit mostly over. I went to Epsom on Saturday to get my bike but they didnt have the one I wanted in yet. Being the impatient sort, I found out they had one in Redhill. So after my meeting in London I went off to Redhill to collect the Bike and various bits and bobs (including a new courier bag because I am an idiot and forgot my own bag!). I had a moment of madness when I though I would cycle the 12 miles home in rush hour traffic, after not being on a cycle for the best part of 8 years! Luckily the moment passed and I got on a train to Dorking. 'I'll cycle from there, it's only 5 miles' I thought. I vaguely remembered someone saying something about a cycle path that runs from Dorking to Leatherhead. When I got to the station, however, a train was about to leave, Leatherhead bound! So I bottled it and jumped on board. I don't care how it looks, I'm bloody glad I did! I only cycled a little over 2 miles back to the flat from the station and I was knackered!

This is definitely a gradual process. Happily by the time the good weather returns, not only will I be a rippled stud from my soon to be more regular exersions at the gym, but I will also be a rugged outdoorsman! It'll be a positive swoonathon wherever I go!

Probably from body odour more than anything else, but you have to start somewhere.

Quicky

Don't worry, I've not forgotten about you. just really busy this week, hope to post tonight or tomorrow.

Quick update:

1) No Bike yet, didnt have the one I wanted
2) Now have food in the house, had nice Pork, Hiney and Mustard sausages for dinner. Yum!

In London later today, round Warren Street.

Back soon.

Shiny and New

[Geek]I have yet another new gadget. This one was free though so calm down! It's a new phone upgrade from Orange. I was annoyed with them for not giving me the one I wanted because it's only available to 'Small Business' customers. How someone who owns a corner shop is going to get more use out of a Stylus operated PDA/Phone than someone who works in IT is anyones guess but there you go. I only wanted it because it's the only PDA/Phone that is actually phone sized as opposed to the great slabs that they normally give you.

Anyway. I settled for an upgrade to my existing phone, I had a C500 now I have a C600. this means nothing to you I know. Basically they come under the heading 'SmartPhone'. Things like the slabs I just discussed are more PDA than phone, the C600 and others that run Windows Mobile are more phone than PDA. This one has Windows Mobile 5.0 on it, a slimmed down version of Messenger (a vast improvement on the last model which had virtually a full version, very cumbersome) and Media Player 10.

It's virtually the same as my old one but they have tweaked it to make everything better. The camera and video recorder are really good now and they've improved on the video player so I should be able to watch Family Guy and such on the train properly now, it was a bit fiddly with the other one.

OK I'll stop, it's shiny. It's new. I'm happy.

[/Geek]

I am in a much better mood today but I don't appear to be able to find sufficient inspiration to try to instill some entertainment in my posts. Sorry but the well, it appears, has run dry today!

I have no doubt I will be regaling you with tails of biking injuries and the iniquities of non-cyclists on Monday, so that's something for you to look forward to.

It's education, Trust Us

[Opinionated News Post. I have included a picture at the bottom of the post to distract those of you not interested in my rant]

Education Reforms.

You see the word reform is traditionally associated with making things better:

1. A change for the better; an improvement.
2. Correction of evils, abuses, or errors.
3. Action to improve social or economic conditions without radical or revolutionary change.

It can also mean 'to form again'. I'm going for column 'B' here.

Politicians speak a language called Weasel, for all intents and purposes and to the layman, identical to English*. It is important, however, that you can translate the words that politicians speak into a more generic or what I like to call 'Truthful' form of English. Apologies if you are already au fait with this technique, for this beginning section I am writing for people who may not be able to distinguish between the two (or three if a forked one counts as two) tongues.

Ok, so for example, in Weasel:

David Willets MP: "The prospects of returning to the traditional 11-plus in parts of the country where it's been gone for a generation are remote."

Translation into English:

"I'd like nothing more than things to return to the way they should be! Good education for the rich and the Proletariat firmly set back as much as possible while allowing a select few into the 'Good' Schools. This way they feel they have 'buy-in' into our reforms!"

This issue of selection is a moot point though. The loyalists in the Conservative government support it and the opposition Conservatives support it. If that isn't a clear indication of a move towards elitism I don't know what is.

There is a twist that I am more interested in that doesn't appear to be reported on a great deal that worries me even more than the issue of selection:

"Allowing autonomous schools with special freedoms, which could be run by businesses or faith groups....."

Does this worry anyone else? What businesses are going to buy into the Education cash cow? You could brand your brand onto the psyche of kids forever, talk about marketing opporunity! Those soulless Advertising whores would be right in there. You can see it now, instead of Pie Charts you'd get Pizza Charts (PizzaHut comprehensive), Geography classes based on Mcdonalds locations. Bleuch!

It's a dim vision I know, I'm not suggesting this would happen overnight but without the strictest of controls and given enough time the corporations of this world will just turn schools into revenue factories. I saw a report a few years back where some schools in America are already part sponsored by MacDonalds and the like. I don't know if this still goes on though, so don't take this as fact.

My main concern though stretches beyond branding. Faith Groups. Yeah, that's what we need - more zealotry in the world because that's never cause anyone any problems. Of course only certain Faith Groups would be allowed into trust schools I imagine. You know the good ones. Ones with 'Christian' in the name. Nothing like a bit of Creationism to set back evolution a few centuries.

I'll stop. I could go on for ages about this, but it's not much fun for you lot so I'll quit while I'm ahead. I think I'll spend the rest of the post translating politicians words for those of you that need extra classes.

Then I'm moving to Norway.

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Ok, so when to know to translate what Politicians are saying. It's easy to apply the translation rule to everything that they say and sometimes you'd be right but there is a subtle art to it. I'll take a example from the Weasel King himself, Tony Bliar. What we are looking for is get-out clauses:

"Labour has no plans to introduce tuition fees for higher education."

Now we all know what happened there. Two key words though are 'no plans'. When they are speaking English, a rare occurence I grant you, the words 'we will not' would have been used. If you can't get a politician to deny outright that somehting will happen then you can predict with a very high degree of accuracy that they plan on doing that thing.

Ok I will stop now, I'm sure I'm telling you things you all already know.

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[DISTRACTING PICTURE FOR THOSE WHO DON'T WANT TO READ MY RAMBLE]

Bad moods, Bad sleep and Honey Badgers

I am not in a very good mood today. It's one of those 'I just am' ones though. I reckon it's a combination of my decreasing daily amounts of sleep and something that irked me last night. The thing was only a minior irritant at the time but now I'm annoyed about it, which is a shame because it really isn't worth my time. I think this has only happened due to the sleep thing I'm sure, which is why the specifics of the irritant aren't worth mentioning - irksome, yes, but should be forgotten by now.

I can't remember ever sleeping that well, particularly over recent years, except during a few specific periods. I have a tendency to sleep for 4-6 hours a night, sometimes straight through, sometimes in patches, then after a few weeks of that I crash out for about 12 hours. that's the best bit because I wake up feeling great. Hasn't happened in a while though which is quite odd.

Anyway, I think that's where the grumpiness has come from.

Actually I just reread what I wrote, it appears I have come up with a cure for insomnia right there, dull isn't it?

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So. In order to cheer myself up a bit I decided to look something up. I've been listening to a podcast called Simulacrum on my MP3 player. Some of the episodes are bloody hilarious. Anyway the host is obsessed with the Honey Badger. At first I thought it was something he made up but it's not! They are real creatures, which is great. Just the name 'Honey Badger' brings a smile to my curmudgeony face. It's having the same effect on me as Magical Trevor does when I have access to sound on my PC (which I don't at work). You can't help but smile.

So there you have it, a cure for melancholy and pointless irritation: The words 'Honey Badger' and Magical Trevor.

Awww! Look at their cute little HoneyBadgeriness!


And of course the inimitable Magical Trevor!




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Incidentally, if any of you have any podcast recommendations please let me know as I am loving the concept at the moment, so catch me before the novelty wears off! Particularly comedy but I'll give anything a whirl!

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Rob has saved me from my Hermitage. He has offered to get some tinnies in tomorrow night so it looks like my dry spell is about to end. We're going to watch the excellent Twin Town with Rhys and Llyr Ifans. You'll recognise Rhys from Notting Hill and various other films but his brother hasn't been in anything else I don't think. Anyway, watch it if you see it. It's a lot funnier and better than it may look on first appearance. If you can understand the thick Swansea accents that is. Which brings me on to the Matt Trivia most of you probably already know: Rhys and Llyr are from my hometown. I can tell you're impressed, in the words of Cartman 'Who wants to touch me? I said who wants to f*****g touch me?!'.

It's lucky Rob is getting a few beers in because I was running out of Kitchen cleaner and mouthwash. I know, I shouldn't drink cocktails on an empty stomach but y'know......

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OK, that's it for now I think. Go look at pictures of Honey Badgers.

Tom Cruise - Angry Little Man

Entertainment news, reported by your favourite correspondant Matt "If it's a fact, I'll twist it" Jones!

It would appear that the diminuitive Tom Cruise is once again threatening to sue somebody for suggesting that he is Gay. The 3'6" owner of the 'Blue Oyster' chain of Gentleman's bars is said to be upset by this episode of popular US Cartoon Southpark's constant calls for him to 'Come out of the Closet'. The innocent creators of the cartoon are dumbfounded. One source was heard to say "We had Tom portrayed on our show becuase we love him so much. We wanted it factual though and we heard that L Ron didn't like his acting, we merely put that across. We figured being a Scientologist that Tom would be upset by this and take an action such as, I don't know, hiding in a closet. All his friends then try to coax him out! I don't know where all these gay connotations came from. I tried to contact Tom to ask but he was at a business meeting, apparently he is part of a conglomerate attempting to take over Ana-Lube Inc., whoever the hell they are".

We caught up with Tom at his newly opened 'Leather Chaps for Chaps' store in San Francisco's Castro District. Sadly he was unavailable for comment as he was giving one of his famed renditions of 'I will Survive' to a gathering crowd of onlookers.

Some commentators have pointed to an irony in that at the end of the episode Tom threatens to sue one of the shows other characters - Stan. This is mainly for the fact that Stan highlights how stupid Scientologists are. Focussing on the truly moronic beliefs that this group of wild eyed fanatics hold to, some observers have suggested that the show's creators take a dim view of Scientology. "On the contrary" one insider says, "It's good to have all the stupid people in one place, at least when the population reaches breaking point we know who not to allow to breed!"

We tried once more to catch up with the infintessimal star at his home, but he was once again unavailable for comment, squeaking 'Sorry! Movie night!' as he dashed through the specially installed 'Tom Flap' in his front door, clutching a brace of films - 'Priscilla Queen of the Desert and 'The Sound of Music'.

We spoke to several media experts and one key figure encapsulated the general feeling amongst the group. "It's all very well Tom preventing Paramount from showing the episode again, thus depriving the rest of the world of a very funny and informative show. Luckily there is a vibrant online community all to eager to share evaluation copies of this episode so people across the world can laugh heartily at....what's his name again? Gnome Cruise?... ha ha! My little joke there'.

A close friend, asked for comment, said this: 'I really don't know if he's gay or not, he's off down the Pink Flamingo interviewing the new Male Dancers he's employing at the moment so I can't ask him. He sure is dumb though! Space ships? Alien souls inhabitting all creatures on Earth? I only hang out with him for the money to be honest. Hey! I guess that makes me a Senior Scientologist eh?'

More on this story later as news breaks.

Work is a 4 letter word...

Where have you been?! I hear you cry! Well, actually I don't. Your wailing and gnashing of teeth has been conspicuous in its absence people, you're in danger of damaging the carefully crafted delusions of popularity that keep my overinflated yet fragile ego afloat!

Well if any of you are interested, work was a bit mental last week so didnt really have time to blog. I know they are taking liberties expecting me to work for my money but what can I say? I'm a soft touch. In this instance, busy = good. I'm getting a lot more job satisfaction than I was previously and it's not like I have a social life so putting in the extra hours is no bad thing.

So I may not be able to update every single day as I am trying to fit blogging into my lunch hour, which I don't always spend at my desk. Shocking I know.

Anyway, enough about work.

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Well, nearly enough. This is kind of related. My new bike Voucher has arrived so soon I will be the proud owner of a shiny new mountain bike. This is a good thing, I'll be able to travel to and from work on it, to and from the gym and it looks like some leaisure biking could be on the cards too. This is through something mentioned by a colleague of mine, though I am worried that what constitutes 'leisure biking' in his book seems an awful lot of hard work. It also involves orienteering which will only serve to further highlight my navigational incompetence. Well I assume that will be the case, never having touched any form of map reading before. I mean, that's what route planners are for right?

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I'm a little worried about this sex offenders teaching kids thing that's going on. I have to say right off the bat that the case they are using as an example is a slightly unfair one on the man involved in terms of his persecution and villification by the gutter press. Forming a relationship with a 15 year old student was wrong on every level but not quite on a par with what we traditionally associate with paedophilia. All I'm saying is that while it's right he shouldn't be able to work in school or in a situation with teenagers again I don't think he should be in fear of his life, which he is - thanks to certain reporters.

Anyway, back to my original point. I am quite liberal in many respects but given the question 'should someone who looks at kiddy porn be allowed to work with children' I am going to have to be draconian and come down on the side of No. I like Marcus Brigstock's analogy, I paraphrase here:

"I know you may think it's a little harsh of me but I do have my little prejudices like that. If I owned a butchers shop and a Lion applied for a job, I'd probably turn him down. If I ran a chemists and Pete Doherty asked for a job in the dispensery, I'd have to say no..."

I really don't get it. I don't care if it's one mistake or if she is consenting. You're in a position of responsibility and trust and I just don't think you can have a grey area when it comes to the care of children of any age. That's when mistakes are made and the really dangerous people get to positions where they shouldn't be

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So I've not posted in over a week and have nothing to report in my life, it's bad isn't it? To be perfectly honest I'm a little strapped this month but I have a pretty good social calendar for Feb so I'm not that bothered. I have the big works bash on 3rd Feb, somethings I am doing with Sam and her friend on 5th and 6th feb. Then Pedr is coming down for the first Saint Helens game of the season against the newly renamed London Harlequins RLFC. It'll be my first Rugby League match since leaving Hull so looking forward to it a great deal!

Kudos to Harlequins here by the way. Everyone was worried they would use the Rugby League club as a feeder for the Union side but it looks like they are pushing it and for the first time ever I have seen advertising for Rugby League in the south. 'Quins are advertising on trains, which is more than happened when Twickenham hosted the Challenge cup final (one of the most prestigious events in the game) in 2001 (I think?). Thankfully it's never gone there again and it's gone to good grounds instead, Millenium stadium and Murrayfield.

Finally there could be an extended trip to Hull late in Feb, it's a mates birthday and I'm hoping to take some time fof work so I can stay with various friends up there. Need to speak to the people involved first though I think! Anyway will try to make future posts more entertaining.


Back to work now.

Regional Man Of Mystery

[This entry was one I started last Thursday, so forgive any disjointedness as I finish it today! Disjointedness may not be a word but it's my blog so you can sod off!]

You may remember many months ago that one of my goals was to become an International Man Of Mystery. Obviously this dream can only be realised through a combination of hard work, dedication and exaggerating my achievements. Mostly the latter.

I am happy to report that the first step has been made towards this goal, at least in my work life. In the last week I have not only travelled to the bright lights of Birminighams famed and glamorous International Airport but have today been loaned out to our Great Portland Street office. Clearly my skills are in high demand*, and as such I feel I have at least achieved a Regional Man of Mystery status, and am well on my way to achieving the National rank. I'm rather disappointed that no kind of badge/certificate has been forthcoming or at least some sort of hat but I suppose it's a way of maintaining that air of Mystery that is indicated in the title.

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In other news, Red Leader has expressed a desire to join my Gym which is really good, having someone to go with helps maintain a better routine I think, I've not been so good of late but that's been mainly down to circumstance rather than a lack of will. The lack of Will comes later I think so it's a good time for him to start!



*The envelope stuffing and figure checking work I was given to do was clearly a front for the work of National (or at least regional) importance that i can't tell you about. Guv'nor. errmm.......

Chipperness, Toy Cars and The Midlands.

I was in a very average mood when I woke up but by the time I got to work I was feeling decidedly chipper. I have no idea why, which makes me feel even better because it means it's an entirely unprovoked good mood. Usually, of late, I only get unprovoked bad moods so this can only be a good thing. This return to perkiness has resulted in a new wave of Red Leader mocking that has been sadly lacking in recent weeks.

To be fair, he brings it on himself. Last month we were discussing his Rover and the 'Sports Suspension' he has on it. I was curious to discover at what point in monetary value does 'Crap Suspension' become 'Sports Suspension'. I think we worked it out at around 6K. For sports suspension read 'Bolted iron rods to the chassis and if you go over a gravel path your arse breaks'. As I'm British, I will blame the Americans whose idea of a sports car is a normal car with the suspension taken out. Before you disagree with me drive a Viper - the turning circle of an oil tanker and suspension struts made out of granite.

Anyway, that wasn't this mornings topic of conversation. Red Leader is a keen Karter. That is he drives and competes ina Go-Karting league. Now these things go really fast, the experience feels even faster because you are about 1 inch from the floor. It's also quite dangerous, with more than a small risk of the thing flipping over and you finishing the race on your head. I contend none of these facts. However. When he shows me a photo of one and tells me that it 'looks well mean' I have to disagree.

It looks like a toy car. I know it's not one, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to denegrate the sport, like I say it's populated by screaming nutters! But under no circumstances can a Go-Kart be described as 'mean looking'. It looks like a baby F1 that you would buy a toddler for Christmas. Ok, tell me I'm wrong:



Now I can't stress enough that I am only suggesting that Karts do not look 'mean'. You could stick spikes and guns on them and I doubt it would look mean! Mini things do not look mean, it's not possible! Has anyone seen a mean looking puppy? It may be the most vicious canine on the planet but it doesn't look it because it's a bloody puppy and too small to look mean!

Don't be bringing up things like insects either! They are full sized, not mini. A puppy is a mini dog and a Kart is a mini car. So no, they do not look mean.

[Edit: RoboMatt Contribution]:





Red Leader Prepares for the Big Race!


[/Edit]

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I nearly forgot to explain the third part of my title. It's completely pointless telling you this but I feel like it so you'll just have to cope won't you? Actually, it probably would have been quite funny just to not mention it......

Anyway, moving on. I'm off to Birmingham tomorrow for a work related thing with some mates from work. Rather than travel from Leatherhead through London which would be a nightmare, I am going from Guildford through Reading. Don't panic, this isn't about train journeys. Basically I am going to stop at RoboMatt's house tonight as we are catching the 6:30am train. Now we are going to go for a pint as we haven't been for a while and it's being implied by a certain Scarlet hued Superior that I am going to get trashed, when I clearly have a very long day tomorrow. Boy has no faith. So now it is a test of will, can I go to a pub and leave sober(ish)?

That's a rhetorical question. As your mother used to say "If you've nothing nice to say....."

Jaffa Biscuits

I heard this story ages ago about how there was a big argument about whether the humble Jaffa Cake was indeed a cake or a biscuit. Apparently the way to tell the difference is that a biscuit goes soft when stale and a cake goes hard. Interesting stuff eh?

Well the story I heard was that Mcvities, who are the creators of this most Chorange (see what I did there?) of sponges, made a massive Jaffa Cake in order to prove that it went hard not soft when stale. I have no idea whether this is true. I have no idea why such a monolithic Jaffa cake was required. Also I don't care, just the very idea of a giant Jaffa Cake fills me with joy.

As an update to this great story, apparently Jaffa cakes are indeed cakes. However, the UK governement in their infinite wisdom have a bunch of bureaucrats working on getting it reclassified as a biscuit. Something to do with biscuits being in a higher tax bracket. There aren't enough words, I mean really!

You can actually hear the oxygen being wasted.

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I think we'd live in a lot happier place if they marketed giant Jaffa Cakes. That would be awesome. 'Slice of Jaffa Vicar?', 'Well you can sod off! It's all mine a tells ya! muahahahahahahahaha!'.

*Sigh!*

On Yer Bike!

I'm off to Espom on Saturday to pick a bicycle in preparation for the scheme I joined at work. Basically you get to buy a Bike tax free over the year. This is yet another cunning plan to encourage me to the gym more often, I'm finding the prospect of a 35 minute walk home in the freezing cold after a work out has been putting me off some.

In a stunning display of forethought and 'Killing two birds with one stone-ness' I'll hopefully be hooking up with the Microscopic Sam for lunch in Espsom too, thus allowing for catching up and other such activities. She spent Christmas and New Year over in Ireland with her boyfriends family so should be good to find out what she got up to.

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I've decided to do something interesting this year. Maybe more than one thing, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a passport in order to achieve this goal but I'm not entirely sure what the end result will be yet. I did have a passport but somewhere between leaving Hull and coming here it's vanished. Pretty sure all of the plans I made last year for this year have been abandoned for various reasons so need to start making some new ones!

To that end I've started to try to think of things to do that don't rely on other people, that way I'm left with no option but to blame myself when things go wrong. Although if there are any handy inanimate objects about I'll probably manage to offload some of the responsibilty that way.

One of my many plans is a throw back to something I've been thinking about on and off for about 3 years that I still really fancy doing. Basically it involves going to Lake Garda in Italy and camping during the Opera Season. Then I can go to Verona to catch the open air operas they have there, it's reputedly phenomenal. You can buy decanted plastic bottles of wine and take picnics in and it's supposed to be tremendous. The scenery around Garda is supposed to be great and the locals friendly. This is all second hand information though so I could be entirely wrong, but in terms of getting away from everything I don't think I can get much more isolated than camping around a lake in the middle of a country where I don't speak the language. Unless you count Surrey of course.

Calm down! I'm kidding!

I got plans to go visit Maria towards the back end of the year, would be good to see the Columbian Coffee Kleptomaniac again but that all depends on what she's up to with her University stuff, she's doing incredibly clever things with a great deal of syllables in the title. I'm hoping one day she will be able to realise Mike's dream of a Squow happily prancing from tree to tree, hunting down the evil Grey squirrels. I have no idea whether what she does has anything to do with playing God but she's a clever girl, I'm sure she'll pick it up. Allegedly He did a whole planet in 6 days so how hard can it be?

"But that means you are relying on someone Matt! You lied to us!". That's what you're thinking right? Either that or "Did I finish that bag of Twiglets or are there some left?" Well if it's the first statement, you're wrong you see! I am only planning on going if she's about, if not I will go somewhere else. OK, I haven't decided where yet but this is a pretty big place so I'm sure I will think of something. I'm not sure where this idea for the solo hoildays has come from, I'll probably rethink it at some point but right now I'm developing some fairly hermit-like tendencies.

Incidentally the laws of Physics dictate that once a bag of Twiglets is opened, they will be consumed in their entirety. Basically, half empty packets of Twiglets are a spacial anomally that signifies the approaching collapse of the known universe and all life therein.

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My PC isn't broken. It hasn't been broken in over two weeks. I'm very happy.

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I should point out that I'm adding this bit because I know it will annoy Red Leader, so the rest of you can look away if you like, it's just an update on my new toy. I've been playing around with Pdocast software and can now just plug it into my PC and Juice searches the internet for updates to the podcasts I subscribe to, then MediaPlayer qutomatically synchronises it with my player.

This teaches you something very important about Geeks. Every single thing that a geek does is designed to reduce the amount of effort it takes them to do it. That is the sole goal in any technological achievement. I can argue the case for this anytime you like with any advancement. The funny thing is the amount of time and effort someone will go to in order to design somehting that boils water slightly faster or make a water proof shoelace.

Anyway. I'm going.

In all seriousness

I had one post written, but realised some bits were a bit more ranty and serious than the other bits. As a result I have thoughtfully dissected the serious bits away from the fleshy goodness of the life of Matt and put them here for you to ignore.

Aren't I good?


[Kind of Politicky bit, so not for you Pedr!]

Charles Kennedy has been having some drink problems so now all the vultures are circling. Some evil bitch he sacked for being crap at her job has been saying on Radio 4 that he's had problems since before he was conceived or some other such bollox. Excuse my language but this kind of thing annoys me. I don't think an alcoholic leader is going to inspire confidence in party members, but all of this character assassination is completely unjustified. The fact is he has done a great job as leader of the Lib Dems, he's taken them to their strongest position in living memory, in fact I'm pretty sure it's in their entire history.

Don't get me wrong, I do think he is using a certain element of the 'Sympathy Vote' but not to the extent some of his more vicious detractors are claiming.

Apparently he's relapsed several times during his addiction so maybe he isn't the best choice for leader, purely on a pragmatic front. Personally I'd still vote for him because I think he is a skilled politician and a capable party leader, but I dont think the rest of the British Public would go along with me there.

Maybe we need a drunk Priminister, if only for an afternoon. Preferably the afternoon of a state visit by Dubyah. You could charge for tickets.

Anyway, I'm sure the leadership of the Lib Dems read my blog so here's message to those of you who are skulking about, talking to the gutter press in order to get your name published, probably for the only time in your miserbale lives. How about you stop attacking the character of a good man and a good politician and start thinking about who is best to succeed him? You look pathetic with all your 'I've always said there was something about him.......' crap and you make you're party look stupid just so you can get an ego boost when you see your statement in the Sun tomorrow.

To the majority of you though, for keeping tight lipped and honest. Kudos.

I should point out I am not a total left winger, just when it suits me. I'm not entirely sure you should have to camp entirely on one side of the fence, personally the far left wind me up nearly as much as the far right. I'm all for renewable energy, saving trees and all manner of fluffy animals(except possibly cats. Actually I've softened in my old age. Except most cats.) but sadly their most vehement proponents are often as objectionable and unrealsitic as those they oppose.

Anyway, enough Politics. Leave Charles alone. You shits.

[/Opinionated rant over]

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[Geek]

I'm Macifying my PC apparently. I had no idea I was doing it, I just don't really like the Windows task bar thingy and saw a guy at work with a nifty looking thingy on his screen and downloaded it. It's here if anyone is interested and right now I like it. That may change. Come on people, it's me. It's almost definitely going to change! Anyway point is people keep sneering at me in a slightly geeky way and telling me I am trying to turn my PC into a Mac. The held wisdom being that Macs are computers especially built for idiots.

I'm not sure why this is a bad thing. Macs until very recently ruled the Music and Graphics world. I've never used one but they are allegedly incredibly simple to use and if this thing I have is anything to go by I can believe it. I don't see the problem, the general populace are still technophobic when it comes to computers. So what if you take functionality and the ability to do anything interesting away? Most people want computers to access the internet, for reasons they don't understand, and to write documents. Maybe to play games. I'm all for making computers that do the bare minimum of what people want and completely removing the ability to do anything else.

This sounds really Big Brothery but thanks to massive Stores and Tiny Geek retailers alike, many people still think they can break their PCs beyond all recognition by hitting the escape key. The only way to combat it is to produce a line that can't be destroyed that way. Preinstall everything and have it with Auto updates. So they all come with antivirus, firewalls, adware protection and Windows. When you hook up to the interent it updates everything without asking.

This is only a solution for the true PC-phobe of course, but I think something like this that eases people into the PC use thing could stop them getting totally skinned when they go buy a proper PC. Because the likes of PC World will silk you for every penny, especially on their 500 quid extended warranties which they sell using a mixture of fear and threats of Armageddon.

Sorry. That went on for longer than I intended.

[/Geek]

It's OK, I'm Back.

You lucky people.

Ok I am going to go through various happenings over the last week or so, this may take some time. Go make a cup of tea.

So I think we covered Christmas, though I did fail to mention the radical departure from tradition in my household in that my mother bought me wearable items of clothing. So go mum!

Also the gadget arrived in time for my trip to Hull, it's an excellent piece of kit so the guilt hasn't quite kicked in just yet, I'm sure it will given time though.

So I went to Hull, the intention being that I would be seeing Emi for a day or two while there and the rest of the time with Astrid and Hayley. The Astrid and Hayley elements went off with great success, was really good to see them again as usually I don't really get time to see other people when I go up to Hull, time constraints don't really allow it and me and the Rah are usually too drunk to move!

There was a slight hiccup in the Emi plans:


Artists impression of Emerald on 29th December

So basically she turned into Captain Scot. Not wise for her to make the journey to Hull in George her Nissan Micra. He's getting on a bit. I was able to see her briefly on the 1st in order to collect my Christmas presents: pen with a game attatched! (which I have been shamelessly playing almost relentlessly), a Bingo Game (Emi thinks it is a legal requirement to remind me that I am very old on an almost hourly basis) and a copy of Ripley's Believe it or Not. The poor hapless fool! Now she is going to be bombarded with the little factoids I pick up from this book!

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Red Leader has told me that my blog has become incredibly boring. He usually says things like this when he hasn't been featured in a while. Although in this instance he is probably right, I think I need to start making things up or leading an interesting life again!

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Found out during my visit to Hull that my mate Tom is now engaged. He's the first guy I met at Hull University, we were both on the Open Day there and proceeded to spend the next 3 years keeping each other sane. Tom helped start the Computer Society at Uni, I was on the committee for it. You need to understand that at Hull the Computer Science student demographic splits up roughly like this:

9% Alcoholic Revellers (*whistles..*).
10% Could get them out with a bit of effort.
81% A-Z of skin complaints, hair by Black & Decker and social skills that make Calvin Coolidge seem positively chatty.

I was the Social Secretary. We basically started off treating it like an outreach program, trying to get some of them to come out and socialise with non-computer people. With a happy harcore, it worked. We had between 20 and 30 members we could get out on a big night out to have a good time. I'm being unfair of course, but then I usually am.

Anyway, point being Tom is engaged to an absolute Legend of a girl called Beverly. So congratulations Tom. And Bev, you'll be rewarded in your next life for taking one for the team I'm sure.

In a positive marriage-a-palooza, fellow blogger Jo has also had the question popped in a most traditional manner, so go Dave for that one.


*************************************************************

In further Gadget news, it looks liek the phone I want could be available as a free upgrade so may not need to threaten to leave the network in order to get my own way. This is good because I really can't be arsed!

****************************************************************

Party News now! It would appear that once again I am to attend the 'New Years' party in London as the NHS have graciously allowed my Dad to have his hip operation. On the 2nd of February. Well, as far as things stand anyway. He'll probably end up breathing in the wrong direction and they'll cancel the thing again. Anyway, so little point in me heading back to Wales for his 60th when he's going to be in Hospital. I'll be heading up when he is out, be good to see him mobile again though I doubt it will improve his driving any. Getting back to Surrey yesterday he refused to acknowledge the existence of mini roundabouts which was an interesting experience to say the least.

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Ok that's the life update, I'm sure there is more going on but I think Red Leader is probably right, it's much more entertaining when I write complete crap, so watch this space!

Convivial Seasonal Felicitations!

Ok I got this off Kirsty for Christmas. I am adopting the language. So.

Merry Non-specific ecclesastical or secular platitudes for the season! - This one for you Yanks. So much better than 'Happy Holidays'.

Here's one of mine: May I be the first to express platitudinal felicitations on this most auspicious commemoration of the nascency of a gentlemen with a reputation for benificence of a most boundless capacity.

So, yeah. Merry Christmas. (Thanks Kirsty!)

Right, I'm off to go play with my Thundercats Action figures. These people know me too well. Hannah, you have no idea how excited I was when I opened up those toys. Actually you probably do, apologies for the slightly late hour of the call :p

Actually.........It is.

Look. Willpower is for people without credit cards ok? Besides. It's Christmas. Don't even try OK? I have a whole raft of excuses, get-outs and transparent lies available to me to justify the shiny new toy that will be arriving next week and I'm not afraid to use them.

I'll be good from now on I promise. I have a new PC and the MP3 player I've wanted for an absolute age, there is nothing else I've been pining over for the best part of a year so it should all be good. Really glad I waited this long because this one is precisely what I was after. I got it in Dark blue in case you were wondering, Amazon and Play only do Grey, Black, Blue and White.

The Saga of Matt's New PC appears to be nearing an end. I won't go into the excrutiating Geek-filled detail I did with some of my friends, I'll just say this. I'm a Genius. OK that might be a slight exaggeration. I got the new Hard Drive through, it didnt work for a while, then I realised that the writers of Windows are in fact Sociopathic and I found a solution to the problem caused by their bizarre software. It still didnt work, then I realised that they are not only Sociopathic but quite clearly are equal opportunities employers and as such employed some cack-handed, Darwinian nightmare to design a crucial part of Windows. Doesn't matter, I defeated them! muahahahahahahahaha! Provided the Drive doesn't suffer a Head crash after 2 days like the last one of course.

I then proceeded to revoke my new found Genius status when I was once again reminded that I have organisational skills equalled only by that guy out of Memento. The big swanky 'New Years' party that I was going to in London? You know, the one I have booked somewhere to stay for? Not going anymore. Because I am an idiot. It's my Dads 60th birthday that day, how rubbish am I? So am going home instead, considering taking a few extra days too, see how it goes.

Got a good few days planned, going out with Jon and Pete on Saturday, probably Christmas evening too. Then face melting Turkey curry and computer games round Mikes on Boxing day, complete with awful horror flicks. Best plan of revovery. I'm really looking forward to it actually.

Right people, I imagine this is my last post before Christmas adn probably New Year so have a good one, and check back with me soon. I may be putting the odd post up next week before my Hull trip, especially if the toy arrives.

Resistance, apparently, isn't futile!

That's right folks, the credit card has survived the weekend and I am not the proud, yet increasingly fiscally challenged, owner of a Zen Micro Photo.

I came close, even got as far as the checkout at Play.com but didnt go through with it. In fairness, I probably will get one early next year as my last big stupid spend before I start to act a little more responsibly with my dwindling resources. That's if I still want one of course. Unfortunately I've wanted a decent MP3 player for the best part of a year and it's not an urge that is going anywhere so I will inevitably end up with one. At least I have resisted the urge to buy one when I so clearly shouldn't, so I must have a vestige of willpower somewhere.

See if I deny myself totally, that doesn't work. If, however, I keep saying 'I'll get it next month' to myself, that appears to do the trick. At least it's worked for the last 8 months or so.

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It was the project Christmas 'Lunch' yesterday. It was very nice from what I remember. I started with Chicken Livers in a White Wine Gravy thing, which was a little strongly flavoured for a starter for my liking. This is the first time I've had Liver as a dish, odd as that may seem, and I wasn't a huge fan. I'm actually quite disappointed, I know they are kind of a delicacy so would have liked to enjoy them more. I'm always open to trying new foods but I have a real thing about texture that I can' get around. Flavour I'm fine with, I like a lot of things but when it comes to texture I am a bit picky. Basically if it's gooey or squishy, I'm not a fan. ACooked Aubergine, for instance, is just slimy.

Okra. What the hell is this stuff for? It has no flavour and is the most disgusting texture in the world. Seriously, it's like phlegm. People put this stuff in their mouths for crying out loud!

And thus it was with the livers, it's just too squidgy for my liking. Picky I know.

My Main Course was Sea Bass on a bed of basil mash and spinach. I love the fishes, basil is fantastic and I could eat spinach all day long. So the Main Course was awesome. RoboMatt stole my desert so I have no idea what it was like but I wasn't bothered, I only ordered it because there was no option not to. Not a big desert guy. Also I was well into the second bottle of a very tasty White Pinot and things were getting a little fuzzy. After we'd abused the tab enough we rolled over to the pub over the road where the festivities continued. I got incredibly drunk, I mean barely see let alone stand drunk. I did have the good sense to leave early so that I didnt get so bad that I fell in the pond or something. No matter how drunk I was, I paled in comparison to the Herculian drinking effort my manager Alex put in. I left and he was wasted then, I mean worse than me, but apparently he stayed until the end so credit where it's due.

I awoke at 5:30am, as is my rather irritating custom after a massive night out and, failing to get back to sleep, I got up and decided to put my new hard drive in the PC. I figured I'd get it up and running before work. No hope. It's acting very bizarrely and refusing to boot Windows once I've installed the setup files.

Enough geek speak, it's still not working is the bottom line. Got a few things to try later.

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I made a Chilli the other day. I used Scotch Bonnet peppers which are now available rather handily at Tesco. Handy/Dangerous, you decide. I put 4 in the chilli, normally I'd use a good few more than that if I was restrcited to birds eye ones but I know these things are vicious so thought I would be careful. Simply frying them up had me in fits coughing, so it was a wise move. I still had to mop my face up off the floor afterwards but it was really tasty so kind of kept eating. That's my problem you see, I am actually quite good at cooking so if I accidentally make somehting a little too spicy, so long as it's not so bad it numbs my mouth, I'll keep eating because it usually tastes pretty good too. I know what you're going to say Rich but it really was an accident this time!

Anyway. Mike is really disappointed because we can't find anywhere that sells these little demons back home so he asked me for a consignment of them but sadly tesco have sold out for the moment. He's very upset. I won't reveal the several Scotch Bonnet related misadventures involving Mike, because it isn't a fair reflection of him. He's a very clever and nice man, and he somehow doesn't come across that way in those tales. Most of them start with the words 'It can't be THAT hot?........' and generally go downhill from there.

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Dad's coming down tomorrow, we are heading back friday night. I ordered my older brother to decorate the parents house with all things festive, I hope he has because I really want to feel like I am going hom for Christmas not just on a visit, decorations in the house will give me that I think. Already got the weekend planned, Saturday is out on the town with Pete and Jon and whoever else cares to join us. Sunday is the traditional famliy and friends drinks and merriment. No doubt I will continue in my tradition of dragging my dad and brother back from wherever they are in order to open pressies at 2am after our night out on Christmas Eve. I'm such a child. Boxing day I will be in the recovery position, most likely playing computer games all day, eating curry and generally being unsociable. I already told you, I'm a child.

Uncontrollable Male Urges

[WARNING] Geeky gadget post! I've helpfully provided Geek and Non-geek elements, handily tagged for ease of use![/WARNING]

I am of course talking about gadget buying. I've been wanting an MP3 player for months but have held off due to several factors, not least of which is the fact that I really shouldn't use that amount of money on something I don't really need. At what point does it become a waste of money though? I mean if you use something every day, is it really a waste of money?

I've had this argument a lot. I spent a lot of money on the new (still waiting on new hard drive!) computer. When it eventually runs properly, I see it as worthwhile as it won't need replacing for a couple years or so and I will be using it every day. Did I need it? Probably not. My computer is my home entertainment centre though and I do like to play games, it's fun and for the most part a far more worthwhile pursuit than watching TV. So I watch TV on the PC, talk over Skype to my friends, play games, shop - all sorts of things. On the odd insane occasion, when madness sweeps over me, I become 'SuperGeek!' and start buggering around with code.

So yeah, I can see how upgrading can be viewed as a waste of money. By that logic though, so is buying a new house or car. If the old one no longer meets your requirements get a new one. Anyway, the player. I can't defend the purchase in quite the same way as I defend the PC. I would use it every day, definitely but it wouldn't occupy quite the same hub-like status as the computer. When my shoulder stops sounding like a Transformer I'll be back down the gym, so I'd no longer have to listen to their crap music if I had a player but not exactly an essential.

Anyway, I didn't use my credit card and didn't buy any of the ones I was considering. OK, I nearly had to staple my hand to the desk to stop it reaching for the card but I resisted my purchase urge! Let me show you what I was considering buying though. I don't want any of you coming back with any iPod Nano rubbish either! The Mini was quality, especially in green but the Nano is poo and overpriced, as we shall see shortly.

So first thing I, looked at was this:



[Geek Description]This is Sony's new MP3 player. They have this habit of designing weird things just so they don't look Poddish, but I think they struck gold here. It's bloody lovely, no? In addition to its looks, Sony have finally abandoned their ridiculous policy of only allowing their players to run music in ATRAC format and this model will play actual MP3s. [For ATRAC, read: Crap Proprietary Format that's a complete exercise in futility]. Another break from tradition is that they've made it competetively priced, I was so close to abusing my credit card it's untrue. The I remembered something. Sony can't write software. Well they can but using any software written by Sony can be classed under teh heading 'Cruel and Unusual Punishment'. I mean User Interfaces and Menu systems that have been designed by sociopaths. So I checked a few reviews and it turns out I was right. Most other players let you drag 'n' drop tracks in, but with this one you have to use Sony's woeful Connect software. I saw the words 'Worse than SonicStage' in a few reviews and was turned off immediately. If you've never used SonicStage, it's the software equivilent of sticking pins in your own eyes, so Connect must be a crime against humanity. [/Geek description]

[Non-Geek Description]This is Sony's new Walkman, it's really pretty and I nearly bought it. Then I rememebered Sony are crap and read some reviews, so changed my mind. Still pretty though.[/Non-Geek description]

So then I went to see what Creative had been up to, some of you may know I wanted to buy one of their 20GB players a while back but my opinion on mini players has changed since. The larger ones aren't practical for things like going to the gym, so the mini ones become ideal. Creative put me to the test today. They have this:



[GEEKBOY!]Ok, on first glance not much to look at, maybe not as pretty as the Sony right? OK, get this, it's the same price as a 4GB Nano, about 25 more than the Sony mini. It is smaller than the Sony. It has twice the capacity of the Nano. [Actually, lets leave the Nano out of this, it's overpriced and crap]. It has an 8GB HD, colour slide show, great menu system, the option to Partition the drive so you can carry data around, it has an FM tuner and the option to record from the radio. It also has a 15 hour battery life and a removable battery, which most players do not offer. And take a closer look. It really is quite pretty. More to the point I think it fills a great gap, 8GB is a perfect size, before this the gap was pretty much 4GB, 6GB, 20GB. 8 is a good figure I think. And this player is bloody tiny. I was tested, I hope to last the weekend.[/SHUTUP GEEKBOY!]

[NoGeekSpeak!]This may not look as pretty on first glance, but take another look. It's littler and better than the Sony. I like it. I like it a lot! Have held off though. I'm taking it one day at a time.[/NearlyDone]

Ok, apologies for the boring post, but this is what I've been doing today, so you're stuck with it.

The Inevitable Christmas Shopping post

I've been very industrious today. So far I have secured suitable gifts for the family. Even managed to get something for the future sister-in-law once I remembered I had one! Ok that sounds really bad, but I've barely had any contact with the girl so its easy to forget someone you don't know. Anyway, I didn't forget so leave me alone damnit!

So the parentals have a couple things and I managed to get something suitably distracting for my brother. I was going to get him something useful for the place he just moved into but it would have been an exercise in futility. Useful things are generally wasted on him (even though he;s the oldest at 32) and besides, I'm sure the parentals will be providing him with all manner of kitchenware. So I got him something cool he can play with. I am tempted to reveal what it is here but I will restrain myself.

I may have stated before that I am usually pretty good at buying presents but, as there are quite a few people to buy for and I am actually doing so for a change, I am on a budget and time has been at a premium. So now I find that I'm second guessing myself. I've seen a few really cool things for The Rah but I'm not 100% sure she'd like them. I think they rock, and we do have pretty similar tastes but you don't want to end up with a 'just what I've always wanted!' response do you? Pretty sure I am sorted with everyone else, must resist buying for me or I will have no drinks money!

So internet shopping has saved me from being the Grinch this Christmas, think I'll buy my presents in September if I am still down here next year!

Bloody London.

I'm being unfair of course, I'm going to see if I can get to shows and such next year, definitely be downright stupid to be so close to the place and not go to the theatre a few times. Might even try and get to the Opera House provided it doesn't involve me selling a kidney. Hang on. All this sounds very resolution-ee. I'll save it until the New Year in case I actually decide to make any resolutions this year.

Things to do....

I appear to have developed a social calendar this week. This is a very good thing, I've been feeling very unpopular of late. Nothing based on fact you understand, I just need constant adoration in order to feel validated in my existence. I'm a very shallow man.

Anyway, a few of us are off down to the lovely Penny Black pub after work tonight in order to say farewell to Nim, who is leaving our Project to seek something more exciting to do with his time than is offered by his current role. You know the kind of thing; seeing how long you can go without blinking, figuring out why Big Toes look so weird etc. So I've sent an email round to a few people inviting them along but I'm not getting a huge response. Maybe it's a little short notice. Or perhaps it's because, in the email, I may have implied that Nim is the Gimp for German businessmen at the weekends.

Tomorrow night the worlds first Welsh Pygmy has invited me to Wimbledon for a night out which should be fun, I haven't seen her in a while. Saying that, neither have most people, she spends most of her time running around below eye level. Anyway I've asked Rob to come along too, possibly in place of but more likely in addition to, our semi-regular Friday session. I'm hoping he comes and brings his new girlfriend with him so I can embarrass her with tales of Saturday night. If I run out of stories I can always start making things up so no worries there!

I also really need to sort Christmas presents out, I've been totally lame! I've done the looking but failed entirely to do the buying part. It's all been a bit mental and haven't had the time to get anywhere good to buy stuff so some people are going to end up with gifts I usually leave other people to buy (DVDs etc. :-( ). I'm not good at many things but present buying is usually one of them so I'll be quite disappointed if time runs out on me to get people things they'll enjoy the most.

Finally an update on the February party. In an astounding display of presence of forethought, Red Leader, RoboMatt, Nim and I have booked into the Farringdon Travelodge for the date in question. We got a room each becuase we got some special rate or other. This is great news as there will be no walk of shame and on the off chance that we are still able to move there is the possibility of bars or clubs after the do or an aftershow party in one of the rooms. I am feeling quite chipper about the whole thing which, considering I was previously going to boycott it, is quite a turn around.

There was going to be a bit here about the possibility of me having to come back to work at a ludicrously late hour to do some time-sensitive things but that's not happening now so woohoo!

New year starts in February

Apparently that's the case. According to my division anyhow.

They've dubbed our Christmas Party the 'New Year Party' as even the dodgers up on high could see ity is so ludicrously far awayfrom Christmas no amount of spin would swing it! I mean New Year is stretching beyond most possible means, unless they are serving Chinese food.

Anyway, that aside, in my previous post I stated the possibility of staying at the hotel. Unlikely at this place! So we have a plan B. There is a Travel Lodge in Covent Garden with room rates a little more reasonable than £235 per night!

It's looking good though, stuffy dinner, drinks then on to Covent Garden with the company I actually WANT to keep. I kow it's months away but there will be quite a lot of people in attendance so we need to sort this out fairly quickly.

Quiet Saturday Drink

Well the ball was phenomenal. It was just immense fun, one of those situations where the company was so good that it didn't really matter where we were.

The organisers did their bit, dressing up in Moulin Rouge styl-ee, complete with ginger moustachioed fat man in a red jacket (fake belly and hair but you can't have everything!). There were dancing girls and plenty to drink. After drinking the wine and bubbly we decided to work out how the free drinks ticket we had worked. Apparently our entry ticket could be used up to a certain value but to my horror this didn't include spirits. Considering the bottled beer they were supplying was fairly shocking and I'd had my fill of wine I was most put out! Luckily a guy I know from my induction traded me some drinks for the ticket, despite my initial protestations that he should just take it.

The hotel, The River Bank Plaza, was really nice. One of those places where I walk in and immediately feel (usually accurately) that I've lowered the tone. As the group I arrived with were reliant on a coach that had been organised, we arrived quite considerably early, so we availed ourselves of the residents bar. Despite having our initial attempts to charge our cocktails to the company foiled, we soildiered on with spirits undampened and soon we were on our way down to floor -4, yes -4, to start the evening proper. I was quite disappointed to discover that, despite being so far into the bowels of the earth, we weren't being served by an army of mutant mole-men. You can't have everything I guess. RoboMatt and I took pity on the waiters who were holding decidedly heavy looking champagne laden trays. We dutifully took one off each of them, so no one of them felt neglected.

Once the room opened we put ourselves at a table at the front, so we could get a decent look at the stage show. It was all going well, then a company bigwig got up and started wibbling on about how great the company is, how great it is to be a graduate right now and various other things that everyone ignored. Eventually he stopped and went back to his seat where he belonged and the party kicked off again.

Things get a little hazy after this point, I remember talking at length at Robs new girlfriend. She was very patient and appeared to listen intently and with great interest to my 'how great is Rob' monologue. I even managed not to begin the praise with 'despite having a head like a potato', I was very proud of myself.

RoboMatt and I wowed a stunned room with our unique interpretation of the word 'Dancing'. In our dictionary the word sits very closely next to 'Seizure'.

At the end of the night the same guy who had my ticket off me was trying to persuade me to stay in the residents bar with him and his friends and to crash on their room floor. In what I thought to be a Herculian display of willpower I got on the coach and went home. Again, I was very proud. Having missed the last train to guildford, RoboMatt was forced to stay on my living room floor and make a 1/2 hour walk of shame to the train station the next morning, in his tuxedo. He later discovered that once again there were no direct trains from Leatherhead to Guildford and ended up having to go through Clapham junction. Once again I was very pleased I turned down the offer of staying in London!

We've decided that should we attend the february bash we are going to get a room between a group of us, I feel I missed out on half the party by having to leave at 1am. I'm sure there is plenty I'm missing out but it can't be that important! Anyway, I better go do someTHing work related.

Shopping failure.....

Well I have failed spectacularly in securing anything riiculous to wear this evening. My first mistake was having a massive lie in, so I didnt get to Camden until around 1pm, obviously the palce was absolutely packed. Couple this with the fact that once people enter London they appear to check there manners in somewhere for later collection and you end up with an unhappy Matt. It's not so much the people who try to walk right through you without so much as an apologetic glance that bother me, it's the ones who stop dead, blocking all pedestrian traffic, so they can answer their phone or wave at someone who has no hope of seeing them. I could understand it if there was nowhere for these people to go but invariably they are looking at something in a shop or stall, and clearly it's more convenient for them to study it from 20 feet away than it is to go and look at the thing and develop some consideration for other people.

So, not used to London shopping yet, apologies for the rant. I really hope I don't get used to it actually because the moment I do I think I will have become as rude as the people around me.

So anyway, got back to Leatherhead and thought I would try and by a deep purple shirt from Next and wear that with my suit and patterned black tie. Unfortunately it is a tiny store and had no such thing in stock. Of course if I'd have thought of this back up plan earlier I could have got one from London somewhere but I'm not known for my common sense.

I'll be wearing my staple pin stripe with black shirt, patterned black tie and some black metal cufflinks. The tie is very cool though.

I think next time I go to Camden I will go with someone else, it was cool the first time but now I've been a couple of times I think the crowd thing will wind me up unless I have someone to talk to. Shopping is more fun if it doesn't seem such a
chore.

On the plus side some of the food vendors looked fantastic. Kudos to all those people in nice clothes successfully walking around tucking into things that looked like they would stain very badly should any spillage occur. This is obviously aquired skill. Also to the three enterprising girls with massive Mohicans charging gawpers £1 per photo they took.

Ok, got to go get changed. Maybe post later when I am good and drunk.

Quality Control

Matt Industries Inc. would like to apologise for the woeful standard of the last blog entry. Usually there is an element of wit, sarcasm and/or insults in our posts and we are shocked and saddened by the author's reliance on second-hand material as 'Filler' for this particular installment. We do not, of course, refer to the excellent 'E-mail from a vaccuous Moron' indirectly contributed by Mr Roberts. His tale and his penmanship rescued what otherwise would have been a post of terrible laziness and lameness. This post can only have served to to be deeply damaging to the reputation of Matt Industries Inc.

The post was so lazy, in fact, that the Porsche 911 Design Team were prompted to send a strongly worded email to the Author:

Dear Usurper,

My colleagues and I were happily browsing the internet today when we stumbled across your so-called 'Web-Log'. We noticed, in particular your latest post entitled 'Mistakes were made'. Indeed they were sir! A very big mistake indeed! Imagine our Horror when we discovered the 'Content' of the said post, nothing but reproduced material! Just because we here at the Porsche Body Design Lab are so soporifically lazy that sloths shake their heads in shame, it does not follow that we are also stupid! You seek to challenege us in the competitive world of bone idol wasters? Us, the supreme champions of being paid to do bugger all!

Well let me tell you that it's not as easy as it looks, your laziness lacks the finnesse and class that we have spent decades perfecting. It's all very well cut and pasting other peoples words but can you change a single word and convince people that it is something entirely new? No! You can't! You would be found out in an instant! Where as we at Porsche spend years 'developing' a new 911. The Engines are re-engineered, the wheels carefully designed, the suspension calibrated for optimum performance and the chassis made with the strongest and lightest materials that can be found! Then the work of my team can begin. We carefully take out the previous shell design and Tip-Ex out the date. We then carefully fill in the next roll-out date ovver teh whited-out area. We photocopy the work, and presto! A new model 911 is born!

This is an art that has been perfected over many years, leaving us time to engage in higher pursuits. This blog entry has shattered the peaceful harmony of our pre-launch lives, a harmony we need before the hustle and bustle of the busy photocopying week. That rear spoiler doesn't get a slight angle change by itself you know! Steve is particularly upset as your post distracted him so much he failed to beat his high score on Tetris. We demand an immediate and public apology for this denegration of our fine art!

Yours in disgust,

The Porsche 911 design team

We are moved by this emotional letter and would like to assure all those at Porsche and, indeed, others who have been aversely affected by the offending article that this will not happen again. We would also like to offer a whole hearted and uncompromising public apology and ask only that you give us, here at Matt Industries Inc., one more chance. We will not fail to deliver on your faith! No reproduced article will fail to be accompanied by appropriate effort on the author's part.

We thank you for your time.

Mistakes were made...

Ok, I only had like 3 pints last night so what possessed me to post that picture, I have no idea. I am lumped with it now though as I have promised not to delete posts so there it shall remain. I'm just going to have to post a lot more so it rolls off the end.

Anyway, I am posting early today as I still don't trust my home internet connection despite the fact in now appears to be behaving itself. On the face of it Mr BT Engineer man appears to have fixed the problem but it could be planning a surprise attack (or surprise burst of inactivity to be more precise!). Also I have a conference call at 4 which could drag on for a while as it's going to be conducted in Corporate. It's a very similar language to English but with no rules on form or structure. Or indeed on actual, real words.

I got sent this today, it's old but excellent and still holds true. Got to apologise, it's supposed to be in columns across the page but Blogger doesn't like White Space (tabs and spaces etc.) so removes them. Stupid thing:

The Systematic Slick Phrase Generator



0. Integrated
1. Total
2. Systematised
3. Parallel
4. Functional
5. Responsive
6. Optional
7. Synchronised
8. Compatible
9. Balanced

0. Management
1. Organisational
2. Monitored
3. Reciprocal
4. Digital
5. Logistical
6. Transitional
7. Incremental
8. 3rd Generation
9. Policy

0. Options
1. Flexibility
2. Capability
3. Mobility
4. Programming
5. Concept
6. Time-phase
7. Projection
8. Hardware
9. Contingency

Procedure:
Think of any three-digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. eg number 257 produces ‘systematised logistical projection’, a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No-one will have the remotest idea of what you are talking about, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!

I was thinking of including a random phrase in all documents I produce. Finally I have to reproduce an email that Mike received today. Mike is a Software Developer. He works for a Software Development company. This is very important to remember:

I am unable to contact you through you customer service email address. My order was incorrect, in that I ordered 2 snowmen and only one arrived. Can you please look into this matter for me. Regards Bob May

I'm surprised he was able to place the order with brainpower of that magnitude. Mike did pen a response email, but no matter how much I urged him he refused to send it. So I've reproduced it here for your consumption. I'm sure he won't mind. i'll ask him later.

Dear Sir, I am a developer for a software company and as such have very little contact with Snowmen. However, I will endeavour to make you some Snowmen as I learned that the customer is always right even when they are blatently stupid.
Sincerely,
Mike Roberts
Head of MisInformation, Misplaced Snowmen Divisionm, [Place where Mike Works]

Isabella Rossillini in the Flesh!

That's right folks, here I am in Glorious Technicolour! Ok, on the way home from some gentle libation down the Penny Black I decided that I would post whatever the first snap on the webcam was. Here it is, as you can tell even after a couple of pints I am slightly worried....





As I side point, I should highlight that the second photo shows that my Tshirt says 'GENIUS' in bold lettering. I can assure you this is just because I am a crap liar and therefore much prefer to do it in writing.

Live and in Glorious Technicolour!

Maria and I talk on MSN quite a bit, she's the one person from my first year at University who I speak to regularly. Anyway, the other week she got herself a webcam and we talked over Skype. It was awesome, haven't seen her or heard her voice in over 3 years and there she was. Was quite weird but good at the same time, one of those situations where you meet an old friend and it's like no time has passed. She's having trouble with a psycopathic weirdo-girl on her course at the moment. My suggestion of the Cartman approach to 'Kick her Squah in the Nuts!' appears not to be the preferred method of dealing with the problem. Just think she should bear it mind is all.

So, the point is she then persuaded me to get a webcam thing, which seemed like a good idea at the time. Unfortunately it occurred to me as I shelled out my cash that Maria is one of these irritating people that always looks good. I'm not exaggerating here, you could dip her in a tank of ugly juice and she'd still look good. Where as I....... well put it this way, while on Merserene's blog I tried a bit of photo software she linked to. It's supposed to match you up to which celebrity you look like. I tried 4 different photos, I got Gene Hackman (a 75 year old bald man), Isabella Rossillini (OK, quite attractive but not a good look for me) and someone called Nigel Short - who at least was under 90 and had glasses.

Finally and you'll love this one - Benicio Del Toro. Benicio? Yeah I'm the spitting image! Apart from the glasses, short hair, milky skin tone and lack of any hispanic heritage, we could be bloody twins!

Do I look like any of them in fact? It was quite a blow to my ego I can tell you. On the other hand, as a side effect of me not having many photos of myself on my own, a few other people got the treatment too because they were in the photos I ran through the software. Hanrah got Jennifer Anniston and Rob (Emi, you will love this) looked like some ageing American Actress, I'll put the name up later once I get home and find it as it escapes me right now. Feel free to add me if you haven't already by the way, my bizarre username is in my profile.

The point of this lengthy tale is that people who talk to me on MSN now run the risk of me inflicting my shiny new toy on them. I'll be testing the thing out over the next week or so, so expect some stills to appear on my blog from the Mighty Blobeye!

I should have mentioned, I've decided to name it. Quite liking the Mughty Blobeye at the moment but I'm open to suggestions. This is my shiny new toy. Despite the box saying it is actually not. It's all very strange but Argos seem to have a bunch of incorrectly packaged ones. Anyway, that's what I got. Hence BlobEye. I'm far too easily amused I know.

Hair by LEGO

I was going to have a big rant here about the US outsourcing their Torture operation to ex-Eastern Block countries and the wriggly little Condoleeza Rice successfully denying the Torture claims based on the US Goverment definition of the word Torture. It's vague to say the least.

Hang on. I've started haven't I? Ok, I'm stopping now. Although I should warn you this may resurface when I'm in one of my more caustic moods.


No, today we discuss more important matters and that is Condoleeza Rice and her laminated haircut:


Seriously, is this really a good look? I mean i could understand it where I am from, it rains a lot. I mean it rains a lot! A Teflon hair cut like that could save an awful lot of frizz don't you think? I'm thinking that LEGO have employed her as some kind of poster girl and the do is in fact interchageable. So don't be surprised if you see slight colour alterations as she switches.




Once again we see the polymer hair in action, or rather not in action. I wonder if that's the stuff they make the heat shileds on shuttles out of? I'm saying nothing about the pose she is in. Nothing at all. Just, you know, bear it in mind.



Some possible suitors for the lovely Rice.

Working late

I'm developing a nasty habit of satying late to finish work or do other work related things. This is like the third or fourth time I've been here when I am not supposed to be in about 5 1/2 months! 4 times in 5 moths isn't a habit? Well I did say developing. This kind of unhinged behaviour doesn't occur overnight you know, it creeps up on you so as you don't notice! It's the thin end of the wedge I tells ya!

Space hoppers. This is the correct form all space hoppers should take:



All others are unworthy pretenders to the unassailable throne! People who own them should be mocked and ostracised! The offending items themselves should be melted down and, preferably, reformed into the true shape but if found unsuitable transformed into some kind of quality control stamp especially for Space Hoppers. Manufacturers of these false abominations should be arrested, if not killed.

I mean look at this travesty:



Behold its inappropriate blueness, it's too spherical shape and ridiculously angled 'Ears'. Friends! This is no Space Hopper! Where is the welcoming, slightly grubby orange hue? Where are the ever so slightly floppy ears with ergonomically designed grips? Where is the photo-realisitic visage which greets you as you approach your beloved Hopper?

Cast them out friends and villify those who perpetuate this fraudulent madness!

Toiling for The Giant Ant Masters (Mants!)

Ok, so the bosses aren't weird Ant/Man Hybrids who have me working down their sugar caves but I have been pretty busy today. Also the internet is broken at home, all of which explains the lack of a recent post. As Olivia rightfully points out, politics appears to have once again spooked my commentators!

I know I normally restrict myself to more important and serious things, so while tomorrow there will be a post on Condoleeza 'Child of Satan Put On this Earth to Spread Misery, Perturbation and Despair' Rice very soon, I will also be addressing important matters, including 'Beast Idol' - the new reality show to give the Higher Being a helping hand and the correct shade and design of a proper space hopper.

Sorry about the short length of this post, more soon.

Blair learns how to divide by Zero!

Well we have been told by Mathematicians throughout the Ages that this feat is entirely impossible but the Cherubic Saviour Tony Blair has once again proven these so-called 'Experts' wrong. "The laws of the natural world do not apply to the Divine Being" says Blair, who has taken to referring to himself in the third person since his ascension to Divinity. "By discarding common so-called 'Laws of Mathematics' I have been able reduce income and increase received cash into my country. This is a new golden age in the history of My Great Nation and as such, from this day forth Great Britain shall be known as The Golden Empire of Blairtonia" :

....he [Blair] stressed that even though the rebate might go down in percentage terms, the amount the UK would receive in cash would still go up.

In other news, several leading Blairtonian Academics have sadly met their untimely ends in a tragic accident at a Government sponsored conference in Wilthshire. The Conference in which Mathematicians, Economists and Social commentators were invited to discuss the glorious policies of the Annointed One was attended by Academics from across the nation who previously were considered 'critics' of the Second Coming. In a moving public statement The Bringer of The Golden Dawn said "It is truly devastating that these brilliant minds were taken from us just at the point when they began to see the Eternal Wisdom of my Doctrine. I have, here in my hand, signed documents from each of these poor souls. Documents that extole the virtues of all my policies and even, in some cases, praising my good looks. This conference was to be a coming together of understanding where those previously in opposition could embrace the True Path. I only thank Me that I was delayed on my way there or I may have met an equally unfortunate end".

The end to which the Light Of Heaven was referring to was, of course, the tragic military miscommunication that occurred on the day of the conference. Both the 17th Royal Bombadiers and the Royal Air Force Tactical Strike Squadron were on manoeuvers that day. Somehow both Units received the wrong coordinates when testing new Destroy Insurgent Enemies (DIE) weapons and, in a Tragic Quirk Of Fate, the conference centre was utterly obliterated from the face of the earth, leaving all attendees - as one witness eloquently put it - "Like greasy stains on a burned carpet".

Investigations carried out by the Blairtonian Friendly Truth Squad, using their special electrically powered 'Hearts and Minds' maces, have revealed that someone a bit foreign looking was seen somewhere in the vicinity of Wiltshire a week before the error. "These terrorists have clearly breached our communications systems" said an angry and wrathful Higher Being. "I will not rest until we have invaded a small, defenceless, Arabic nation where they are clearly hiding! Fear not, your Messiah will give you someone to blame and bring them to Justice!"

It has once again been my privilege to report on the activities of the Holy One and I would like to take this opportunity to denounce those lazy hacks who would rather spend their time attempting to find 'flaws' in policy instead of accepting our Glorious Leader at his word! Come one everyone, why would he lie to us, His beloved children?

Ache Free and Suspicious......

I have very few aches today, despite increasing a few of the weights yesterday. I have two theories to explain this unusual bodily behaviour:

a)My Body is slowly getting used to being exercised at.
b)My Body wants me to think it is slowly getting used to being exercised at.

I am going to go go with b). I know this clapped out piece of crap very well and it's a devious bugger. No doubt I will have developed scarlet fever or leprosy by tomorrow. Either that or it's saving up for after tomorrows gym excursion so it can deliver a double whammy ache-fest on Saturday and thus force me to walk like a robot.


I've been given some intensely dull work to do today. It involves burning CDs and printing Labels for them. I'd go into more detail but what did you ever do to me? I am having a sit down to recover from the excitement.

I was considering inserting random episodes of the Thundercats onto the CDs to teach them a lesson, as technically they are supposed to check the disks before they go out. Apparently they would frown on such a move whcih I think is terribly unsporting of them, it could be a bit like Russian roulette. Also the Clients could have some entertainment while installing the software, everyone's a winner!

I'm hoping my internet is still on when I get home, had a bit of a wobble last night before settling down and behaving itself but I've not had a chance to test it today.

Sorry this is a rubbish post, my brain went to sleep during the CD thing and waking it up has caused it to ache. More entertaining posts later or tomorrow, promise.

Where misunderstanding serves others as an advantage,
one is helpless to make oneself understood. Lionel Trilling