Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Tom Cruise - Angry Little Man

Entertainment news, reported by your favourite correspondant Matt "If it's a fact, I'll twist it" Jones!

It would appear that the diminuitive Tom Cruise is once again threatening to sue somebody for suggesting that he is Gay. The 3'6" owner of the 'Blue Oyster' chain of Gentleman's bars is said to be upset by this episode of popular US Cartoon Southpark's constant calls for him to 'Come out of the Closet'. The innocent creators of the cartoon are dumbfounded. One source was heard to say "We had Tom portrayed on our show becuase we love him so much. We wanted it factual though and we heard that L Ron didn't like his acting, we merely put that across. We figured being a Scientologist that Tom would be upset by this and take an action such as, I don't know, hiding in a closet. All his friends then try to coax him out! I don't know where all these gay connotations came from. I tried to contact Tom to ask but he was at a business meeting, apparently he is part of a conglomerate attempting to take over Ana-Lube Inc., whoever the hell they are".

We caught up with Tom at his newly opened 'Leather Chaps for Chaps' store in San Francisco's Castro District. Sadly he was unavailable for comment as he was giving one of his famed renditions of 'I will Survive' to a gathering crowd of onlookers.

Some commentators have pointed to an irony in that at the end of the episode Tom threatens to sue one of the shows other characters - Stan. This is mainly for the fact that Stan highlights how stupid Scientologists are. Focussing on the truly moronic beliefs that this group of wild eyed fanatics hold to, some observers have suggested that the show's creators take a dim view of Scientology. "On the contrary" one insider says, "It's good to have all the stupid people in one place, at least when the population reaches breaking point we know who not to allow to breed!"

We tried once more to catch up with the infintessimal star at his home, but he was once again unavailable for comment, squeaking 'Sorry! Movie night!' as he dashed through the specially installed 'Tom Flap' in his front door, clutching a brace of films - 'Priscilla Queen of the Desert and 'The Sound of Music'.

We spoke to several media experts and one key figure encapsulated the general feeling amongst the group. "It's all very well Tom preventing Paramount from showing the episode again, thus depriving the rest of the world of a very funny and informative show. Luckily there is a vibrant online community all to eager to share evaluation copies of this episode so people across the world can laugh heartily at....what's his name again? Gnome Cruise?... ha ha! My little joke there'.

A close friend, asked for comment, said this: 'I really don't know if he's gay or not, he's off down the Pink Flamingo interviewing the new Male Dancers he's employing at the moment so I can't ask him. He sure is dumb though! Space ships? Alien souls inhabitting all creatures on Earth? I only hang out with him for the money to be honest. Hey! I guess that makes me a Senior Scientologist eh?'

More on this story later as news breaks.

1 comment:

Olivia said...

Silly little man, I can't think who likes him anymore. He's really lost it. And wait till Kate has that baby - it will really hit the fan then.

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