Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Surrey encourages Global Warming

Seriously, like this county could become any more intrinsically Evil. I bet if we dig hard enough we'll discover that Celine Dion has roots here...."This is for the Children". Really, cos it looks to us like it's for the huge sacks of cash you screeching harpy.

Anyway, Surrey and it's quest for Palm trees in Horsham. To lay it entirely at the feet of Surrey may seem a little extreme to you, but first you need to see Surrey in the same way as that Island in Lost* in that it has it's own character and personality. Stop seeing it as a place where people live and more like a big, greasy, introverted money and hope vaccuum and you'll get a good starting point.

So if I want to travel anywhere I have to take the train or some other public transport. Something I was doing for years before I moved down here, coping without a car very well thankyouverymuch! And nothing has really changed in terms of the coping and need. What has changed is the pain, hassle and expense of going anywhere that isn't here. If you go by train, the fares seem to suggest that they are going to take you to your destination on a gilded, supersonic hover-train. This is not the case. Not at all. Think Dutch Veal calves.

The National Express can be really good if you get one of their cheap fares and manage to locate a direct service that has a short journey time (for short, read 'under a week'). While you're looking, can you also pick me up some chicken teeth and rocking horse poo?

So, you may have guessed I have been off on my travels. I went to Plymouth to visit Laura for a weekend of booze, junk food and Transformers. It was very more awesomer and a good time was had by all. Well, by me. I'm sure you'll agree that's the only bit that matters. We had drinks, we mooched around Plymouth and went to see Hollywood amazingly NOT shatter one of my childhood memories. Was great to see Laura again, and meet her 'Vince from The Boosh'-esque blokey and consume soem ropey take aways. the only flaw was that it all in all it was a total journey time of 15.5 hours to travel 400 miles.

All of this started kicking my gadget senses trying to persuade me to buy a car again. Which is frustrating because I am all in favour of public transport but there isn't enough of it outside London, it's too expensive and the entire system appears to be run by blind monkeys with no hands. No, that's wrong. Blind Monkeys with no hands that instead of bananas and stuff, can only subsist on a constant supply of the public's money that has to be fed to them by Celine Dion tribute acts.

Maybe it's not all Surrey's fault that it's difficult and expensive to go everywhere. Maybe just because everything else is dificult and expensive here I don't have to lay the blame of Public transport and my ultimate move towards automotiveness firmly at it's feet? Nah....sod it! Global Warming starts and ends with Surrey. "Burn the Big 'ouse! Are ya with me laaaaads?!"

Tomorrow - How the Daily Mail started the inquisition.......

*I gave up on Lost half way through season 2 after it disappeared up it's own arse and my urge to kill Jack, Kate and Sawyer could no longer be contained. As ever, a lack of actual knowledge will not prevent me from commenting.


Hanrah said...

Sigh. Matt you know nothing.

Jack, Kate, LOCKE and JULIET are disappearing up their own arses.

This is combatted by the aceness of Hurley, Desmond, Sawyer and Sayid. (The aceness team took a big hit when they killed Charlie. I'm still in mourning.)

MattJ said...

Sorry, Sawyer is guilty by association with Kate - he is punished for his wrongness by being lumped in with the Bio-Fuel. (Matt's alternate ending). fine point about Locke and Juliet.

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