Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Non-Denominationally Specific Deity in New Outsourcing Deal......

Breaking News!

After innumerable years of silence, the supreme higher power made a rare statement this week on the controversial issue of genetic engineering.

'Listen guys, you clearly didn't get what I was trying to do here!' said the black, cross-dressing, alcoholic Deity with a history of mental illness in the family. 'I mean, all your religions are all nice and quirky and all, but that wasn't really the point. I mean it was pretty funny for a while, watching all those guys in dresses persecute people - including bizarrely, other guys in dresses! I can only assume it's because the non-clergy had better taste in gowns'.

'Anyway', continued the now dangerously intoxicated Ultimate Power in his native Arabic tongue, 'point is I gave Man free will and self determination right? So what do you think that means my intentions were? Go do your thing Man!'.

'I ain't talkin' 'bout no wars and shit neither OK?' said The Almighty, taking on the demaenor of a 70s Blacksploitation God. 'I mean, seriously, how many times are you going to kill each other in the name of Me? Yes, to a certain degree, it is very flattering. On the other hand, it's also fucking retarded'.

'There are a handful of people who have worked it out. A few good people who have determined the purpose of the human race and discovered the path to true peace, enlightenment and harmonious existance with ones fellow man*. The Squow. That's right! I gave you this freewill because I was just so sick and tired of making new stuff Man! I mean Jesus Christ!......no not you, fuck off and play with your Lego......excuse me, sorry'. At this point the now very British Deity started beating a hippy looking ponce with a copy of the Daily Mail, in an effort to keep him away from his Werthers Originals.

'So, yeah, where was I? Oh yeah, making stuff. I mean it's all well and good but firstly it ain't that easy keeping shit alive you know? I mean, you think the duck Billed Platypus looks freaky now? You shoulda seen it when it was the Stalkbilled Platypus. It was messy my friend'

'I wanted some freetime, so I hired some consultants and they said the best thing would be to outsource the management of the Earth's creatures so I would be free to indulge in my hobbies of doing fuck all and messin' with people's heads. So I gave gave you guys free will so you'd eventually be able to make your own animals to go off and extinct, save me the effort right? That frees me up to make people do crazy things that amuse me. You rememer Bush said 'God wants me in the Whitehouse'? well I ain't saying his lot got it right but I definitely wanted him there, that guy is a riot. I mean, you can get surgery on your face to make you look better, you can suck the fat out of your body, you can exercise to tone up. You can't fix stupid.'**

'So, look. Go build squows, I'm done with you people. If I didn't want you to do it I wouldn't have allowed it right?'

In parting, the Powah was asked which religion has it right. 'Ah, they've all pretty much got the principles right, it's just the religions are run by morally bankrupt fuckwits so the message goes away. Except for Scientology of course, I mean the Bible and the Quran and the Tora - all pretty far fetched tales in themselves but each to their own, right? But Dianetics? What kind of barely simian retard do you have to be to believe that? I made Ron as a joke, I had no idea so many of you were that stupid though. It's really funny when Scientologists die and come up here, we fuck with their heads for hours Man! hehehe'

'Anyway I gotta go, there's a dude in a cave in Jordan. He's been fasting for his religion........I forget which one..........point is, he is totally unhinged so I am gonna convince him that the way to true redemption is to hop around in a circle while singing 'Hava naguila' for a day.' Asked why he would do such a thing, he responded: 'M'eh! It's an hour'.

*The Term Fellow Man referers, of course, only to worthwhile human beings. Special 'Listening Squads' will determine if Oxygen is actually being wasted. The expected populous of this excluded group is likely to consist of memebers of the BNP (and equivilent wannabe Nazi groups), people who use Patriotism, Religion or some other amoral code to excuse appalling behaviour. Also Big Brother contestants. All of these groups will be used as the new world past time and daily game show 'Strengthen the Gene Pool!'.**

** Being a left winger with violently right wing solutions really confuses people. You should try it, it's funny watching their poor confused faces scrunch up!


Famulus said...

Does this mean that we can also genetically manufacture pre-curried on-the-hoof-meat?

That'd be great. Hunting wild Goat-masala... ;-)

MattJ said...

There aren't enough words to describe this genius idea.

Curried Squow. It's like discovering the most magical two words ever.

Olivia said...

Whatever I was going to say, I forgot in the face of a yummy pre-curried lamb.

Next we need to create the naan bread tree.

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