Wednesday, January 30, 2008

McCain wins Key Florida Election

It seems my views of this chap were outdated, all semblance of principle having been abandoned in the name of the Jesus vote.

Still the term 'Winning an Election in Florida' means something else in the Republican dictionary doesn't it?

3 point Action Plan

This whole buying somewhere to live and furninshing it business is quite convoluted isn't it? At least it is in Surrey where apparently all accomodation is secretly made out of platinum and diamonds. I am going to delay for 6 months whilst I instigate my amazing 3 point Action Plan, detailed below. Oh, if you're a solicitor - kill yourself. That is all.

Matt's Doomed to Failure 3 point Action Plan

1) Quit buying gadgets and useless crap. While you're at it stop buying enough food to survive a nuclear winter.

2) Seriously, why are you looking at that Apple Time Capsule?

3) Don't make me come over there, you don't NEED a fucking hover-board!


It's silly I know - everyone needs a hoverboard.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Sports, Beer, Poor personal hygeine

All the essential ingrediants for a weekend hosting Pedr and my brother Martin (The Waffle).

That's right, after 2 and a half years in Surrey my brother - the product of an unholy union between mouth, monkey and a curly version of Billy Ray Cyrus' haircut - has deigned to visit me.

They arrive on Friday, whence we shall adjourn to a local hostelry to discuss the issues of the day, such as the merits of Heinz over lesser branded baked beans - inlcuding Branston's bold move to make a super-sized bean ina shiny can. Gimmmicks!

Saturday sees Wales rugby receiving their traditional 6 Nations trouncing at the hands of the syphilitic Eton and altogether vicious, cheating and evil English 15 man kicking squad. It is also the Season opener for the Rugby League that evening. I did have some transient plans for going out for the day, showing them the sights, maybe going shopping and having an extended lunch. Insane I know!

Sunday I will be dragging them to Redhill where I will be looking at apartments (when I was a lad they were called flats dagnammit! -Hannah, lets just assume you've shouted 'No they weren't! they were called caves!' shall we? :p), which will no doubt fill them with feelings of joy and excitement. I'll have to keep the Stephen Fry quotes about estate agents to myself for the time being.

Then! The Main Event! The filth that is the New England Patriots vs the marginally less evil New York Giants! I have monday morning off work, so it's a 5am marathon.

Got a meeting now, more later (you can hardly wait can you?)

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Right side of the bed is hugely overrated

There have been a couple of instances over the last month or so where I have woken up - on a work day no less! - and not felt like a complete curmudgeon. Indeed, I've left the house in quite a cheery mood.

This has always ended in disaster and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. The first time it happened I was beset on all sides by a diluvian onslaught which caused me to be very late for work on a day when I really could have done with not being late. For the rest of the day things continued on a downward spiral.

Equally, today felt very perky but was immediately sent into an increasingly dim mood thoughout the morning by a variety of things that conspired to ruin my mood.

Now, those of you who know me know that I am incredibly easy to please, the problem I have is that if I start out pleased and then go to a not-pleased state, returning to the high of pleased is a lot of work. Bad moods last about 12 minutes with me (this is not to be confused with my continual underlying grumpy curmudgeoniness - it IS a word! no need to look it up!) but after that time I am only reset to an annoyed neutral mode.

So. Do away with the right side of the bed and make both of them wrong I say! That way your expectations begin at a an incredibly low ebb and anything good that happens can only serve to improve things and always comes as a pleasant surprise. You end the day better than you started it, without any of the disappointment of having your mood ruined at any point in the day.

I'm a genius. I should totally be a psychologist. I could write books. "Seriously, I'm going to slap you!" and - "15 minutes of Happiness - Because a whole day just isn't possible".

Record breaking shopping times

So I went to visit my friend Hannah in Leamington Spa last weekend and had a very more awesomer time. I even managed to not get horribly drunk the whole time I was there, which Hannah was very thankful for - generally if I am getting horribly drunk it means that whoever I am with pretty much has to follow suit.

Anyway, on the Saturday Hannah, her sister Emma and I went out around the town and I decided I needed to do some clothes shopping - which only served to fill Hannah with dread. Her only previous experiences of me clothes shopping involved me wandering around Hull looking for a shirt to buy. It was a very specific shirt that I wanted and it was only after an hour or so she asked me where I had seen it. Discovering that this was only a theoretical shirt that I imagined must exist somewhere because it was so fetching in my head did not seem to go down very well.

The other instance involved about 2 hours to pick a scarf. This was an equally popular move, as I am sure you can imagine.

Well I am pleased to report that not only did I manage to buy about 7 Tshirts, a pair of pumps and a wallet in a very short space of time, I completely shattered my previous scarf buying record. I could tell I had done well because Hannah wasn't stuffing my spleen into a blender.

We also went to a great Milkshake/Smoothy place called Moo-moos, where my indecision kicked in. That wasn't my fault though - they confuzzled my weak brain with a cornucopia of ingrediants. Was very tasty. Next door was a traditional old school type sweet shop, where we bought all mannner of goodness like Kola Kubes, Rhubarb and Custard etc.

Oh, and if you're looking for somewhere good to have lunch in Leamington - go to the White Horse pub. It is extremely great food. OK, I'll leave it there - that was most of the non-DVD related activities (Robot Chicken FTW!). Once again I failed to take photos, but I am rubbish at that anyway so you're probably better off.

There you go, not only have I given you a 'what I did' post with little to no complaining but also a tourist guide to Leamington Spa! Now. On with the grumping......

Thursday, January 24, 2008

When you make something idiot proof......

They'll just make a better idiot.

Hello. My name is Matt, and I've just been upgraded with the new Idiot v2.0 firmware.

Pretty much since moving to Surrey I have done without a freezer. Madness I know, it was costing me a fortune in food. Anyway, so for ages I've been unable to freeze my cooking, buy frozen foods (for those days when you just can't be arsed!) or - most importantly - have ice for my whiskey.

I now have a freezer. I got very excited and ordered lots of food and meat and then put it in there.

Now, however, I am being defeated in an entirely new way - I keep forgetting to take the meat out to defrost so I can cook it. No one is cleverer than me.

If anyone mentions the word microwave I will ban you. :D

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

1984 - UK Government Training Manual

...the policy of anyone applying for a UK visa will be fingerprinted like a criminal...." - From the comments section of the previous post.

In other news, prisoners are to have RFID tags implanted under their skin so we can track them like the animals they are.

A government spokesman says 'We should all double happy that these double plus good ideas are coming into effect'. This measure is also seen as a future compromise for the fox hunting lobby.

A leaked memo suggests that the 'Rat Cage Hat' is going to be all the rage this summer and will be the fashion accessory of choice in the Government's new Happy Citizen Rehabilitation Centres.

Does anyone know how long we've had a Ministry Of Justice?! I knew they were planning on splitting the Home Office into 2 - Department of Justice and Department of 'Keeping an eye on those swarthy foreign types, and anyone who disagrees with us' or some such, but I thought they were taking the piss! How scary does Ministry of Justice sound? I thought 'Department of Homeland Security' was insidious but I think our penchant for Orwellian language and Tyrant style government departments out does those US amateurs!

What adds to the brilliant irony of the Ministry of Justive is that it used to be called the Department of Constitutional Affairs. I guess when they shifted policy from protecting us and our rights they thought something that implies we are all guilty was more appropriate?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Presumed Consent

This is an open letter to anyone who thinks presumed consent is wrong when it comes to organ donation:

Dig a hole. Get in it. Shut up, you're an idiot.

That's pretty much it, I am using small words so as not to confuse you. About 90% of the British public agree with organ donation apparently but only 20% are on the register. This is because people are lazy and stupid. [Edit] Apologies, these apparently were the wild estimates of an 'expert'. The consent register stands at about 60%.[/Edit]

If you really are such a loathsome human being, you can opt out of presumed consent if you feel strongly about it.

The reason I am so angry about this is because various groups of sanctimonious, self righteous retards are in uproar about the shift to presumed consent. These people think they have a point, and they use a lot of rhetoric, what follows is a translation of everything they are saying in one sentence:

"I would rather sick and injured people die - often slowly and painfully - than have this shift in policy"


Any argument to the contrary is futile because it just ain't true.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Peace with a Bang!

Bush Pushes for Mid-East peace

In other news:

Bill Clinton publishes new book : Fidelity and Me: My life of abstinence
Ted Haggard joins Gay Pride rally
Margaret Thatcher elected new president of the UNISON
Michael Vick new patron of the ASPCA


You get the picture ;)

Friday, January 04, 2008

California Dreaming

When thinking of going stateside it’s always to visit people, and I'm very pleased that Maria lives in Pittsburgh - I really did love that place! I am hoping to go back later this year to watch the Steelers play and to visit Maja again.

Equally I'd like to go to Houston because my friend Daniel Caslassy (friend from Hull University) moved out there a few years ago and works for Pi Studios. In fact he helped develop the Guitar Hero III port for the Playstation 2! If I ever do make it down that way I am hoping to persuade Jo and Dave to meet up for a few drinks, so that they can see that beneath this cynical curmudgeony exterior beats the heart of.......well........a cynical curmudgeon! Of course that would mean them coming up from Dallas - but it's in the same state so it's like driving from Surrey to East Sussex - only about half an hour or so.

At no point have I had any desire to visit California, in fact I would go as far as to say it is one of the places on this earth that interests me the least. Until now.

Nick made me aware of this place. He found it due to the guys over at twit have a food podcast now to go with all their techy stuff! Anyway, the place looks amazing and now I have a reason to go to the sunshine state. This sucks. I have written to the proprietors asking them to relocate with no response, so then I sent them this email:


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Matt Jones
Date: Jan 3, 2008 4:05 PM
Subject: International Delivery
To: info@chilimysoul.com

Hi!

I'll cut right to the chase - Is there any chance of you setting up an international Chili smuggling operation? I have yet to taste your Chili as I live in Britain, but I've read and heard a bit about you and think it would be a great idea. I would be glad to become one of your shady UK agents - I have my own dark glasses and a hat. There is a paucity of quality Chili over here, with enthusiastic amateurs such as myself cooking batches up for home use - as restaurants here appear to think adding a tin of tomatoes to some minced beef and threatening the resultant mass with a bell pepper constitutes chili.

I haven't worked out the complete logistics of the operation but I would suggest an entry point into the UK through Holland, via Ferry from Rotterdam to Hull. This ferry is always full of drunk and stoned University students and nobody will be looking for Chili Mules as the authorities will be too busy trying to entice students off the radar tower. Once in the UK I will definitely distribute the Chili throughout the land and spread the good word. I definitely will NOT take it all home and eat it every drop with a spoon the size of my head.

Kind Regards,

Matt


I have yet to receive a reply, which I think is very rude indeed.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Worrying Behaviour

I went to Argos on Sunday; I needed some new bedding for my all-encompassing new Duvet. I experienced a slight frisson of anticipation over the prospect of all new bed stuff.

Afterwards I found myself in a coffee shop listening to an audio book whilst writing a letter and drinking a mug of green tea.

I was beginning to think I'd accidentally become middle class, but then I realised that I had visited Argos so might be safe. Also the fact the letter I was writing was neither strongly worded nor to the BBC but in fact to a friend and contained at least one dinosaur doodle alleviated my worries.

Still, I'll be keeping an eye on my behaviour, in particular with regards to whether I ever start believing anything that the Daily Mail writes.*

I was considering a new hobby the other day but may need to move fast. Basically it involves buying the Daily Express every day for a year (OK a little less than a year now) and seeing how many front pages have the word 'Diana' on them.

*I am not suggesting that all Middle Class people are raving bigots who read the Mail or in fact write strongly worded, dinosaur-free letters to the BBC. It's just that I currentyl live in the South East and the risk of that kind of behaviour is far greater down here. So definitely not a sweeping generalisation of any kind.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Car Buying

Is the inability to get easy access to junk food at lunch time (required due to excess the night before) justification for buying a car?

Having failed to use sound (if unlikely) reasoning (visiting friends and relatives, going camping, road trips, spiralling railfares and decreasing reliability of trains) this is the one my brain tried to pull yesterday. The bottom of the barrel I think?

Possibly. But I do really want a car so once again I am going to try and not throw money at shiny things (that aren't cars). 1 month is my current record, who wants to start the bidding on when I will crumble into a twitching heap this time?

Monday, December 31, 2007

Talk Radio

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and all that stuff to you all! I'll do a post about Christmas soon, if and when I can be bothered -including pictures of Turkor, Destroyer of Worlds. That was before he was defeated in a monumental battle involving Cranberry sauce, home made stuffing and piggies in blankets.

What I'd like to talk about today though is the radio. Since I got my more awesomer DAB radio (see previous post - oh! Nick and Kara got me the accompanying speaker to go with it for Christmas, so now it's full of stereo goodness! :D), I've clearly been listening to a lot of Radio. Mainly I've been listening to the shows I would normally download as podcasts or on the BBC listen again thingy. So instead of a half hour of Russell Howard I now listen to the whole Sunday morning show on 6Music. Highly recommend, very funny indeed. In fact, 6Music has been something of a revelation to me; they seem to employ an inordinate amount of comedians to do their radio shows which is a genius idea. Steve Merchant on Sunday afternoons, John Holmes on a Saturday morning. And Vernon Kay is a good in the mornings when you've had all you can stomach of Moyles and you really need to wake up for work, so Wogan is definitely not the ticket!

Anyway, there is a Dark Side to radio. I have a friend who listens to the radio a lot, mainly as background noise - and so has LBC on a lot - just to listen to the nutters calling in.

I listened to this station late last night and I couldn't believe what it was like. Essentially the format is that you get someone who believes everything they read in the Daily Mail and give him a radio show late at night. Then people call him up and give him their opinions on things. That's about it really, that's the extent of the complexity. So you have this bilious little man complaining about things like 'Winterval' (this wasn't last night, I'm saving the best until last). For those that don't know what this is, I'll explain the facts. Birmingham City Council launched Winterval in order to attract business to Birmingham's newly regenerated town centre. It ran for 3 months and was intended to cover all the major winter festivals. Winter. Festivals. Winterval. See what they did there? So it covers Guy Fawlkes, Diwali, New Year, Hannukah and anything else you can imagine. The Bishop of Birmingham complained they were trying to PC Christmas by pandering to the 'Politically Correct Brigade' (do they get a uniform do you think?) and the tabloids, like the Daily Mail, pounced on it and blamed the Muslims.

They did the same thing this year, despite the fact that Winterval was ended 9 years ago thanks to the reactionary, lazy hacks that populate our media.

Anyway, the kinds of people who phone in to this show at 1am are the kind of people who write those articles. Only these ones probably can't write........so actually exactly like someone who writes for the Daily Mail.

As I say, I was listening to this show and they start off sort of legitimately - commenting on the state of the air pollution in Beijing and how it will adversely affect the athletes in attendance at the Olympics - this is actually a very real problem. Thankfully, all semblance of a reasonable discussion fell away in the face of stupidity tinged with a healthy dose of xenophobia and bigotry. I am going to write some of this down next time because his exact words fail me, but here is the gist of his contribution to the airwaves:

1) All Chinese people smoke like chimneys so the pollution will benefit their athletes. - I think this was sort of intended as a joke but the use of the words 'those people' and 'they're funny over there' kind of indicated where the rest of this as going!
2)
They're weird over there, they invented paper and explosions. - this is a direct quote and appeared completely unrelated to anything else he was saying.
3) - And this is my favourite. - How can they be so advanced but still eat using knitting needles? (at this point the host chips in with 'environmental concerns' about disposable chopsticks). Both the host and caller then started complaining about how difficult it was to use chopsticks, especially with their 'slimy food'. Essentially saying that they couldn't grasp the most simple of concepts, so it should be banned.


I do love that the dreams of Empire still live on in talk radio - If it's not the same as we do it in Britain, it must be wrong!

I'll do a better job of reporting this stuff in the future, it is an absolute mine of idiocy!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Completing the Digital Circle

So I was shopping online for presents at the weekend, one of the things I bought was a DAB Radio for my Mum's kitchen. I decided to get a her a refurbished top end one ratehr than a mid-raneg one for the same price, it's a pretty sweet PURE model. She won't understand why this radio is better, but 'it won't crackle and hiss' should suffice and so long as she doesn't look it up anywhere she won't complain that I spent more than 29p on her at Christmas time.


There is no danger of her reading this, I would be missing several internal organs by now if she did.

Anyway, whilst shopping I stumbled on a DAB Radio I ended up ordering for myself:



And yes, the volume does go up to 11.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Office work and the Coffee flavoured beverage

I work in an office. You're jealous, I can tell. We have ancient coffee machines in the kitchen area, 2 of them. One of which at any given time is broken, both of which (when working) dispense a hot brown liquid. The designers of the machine were told what coffee was, where it came from and when people like to drink it most often. They then went away to design the machines with malice of forethought.

These people were the same people who designed Sony Sonic Stage software - a piece of software that could only be made worse if the monitor were to shoot pins into your eyes while you used it. They are the same people who are responsible for Paddy's hated automated announcer. They are the ones that pay Gary Bushel and stop him from dying horribly and painfully. They hate you.

So they designed a machine that not only breaks at precisely 8:17am every morning but got someone who has never tasted coffee before to make the beverages for the machine so that what you get is an artist's impression of coffee. They then took this machine to the people responsible for things like this in our company. These people are not bright, they are kept away from sharp objects and count drooling as chief amongst their hobbies. The evil faux coffee machine designers sell their device to the hapless droolers, taking advantage of their docile and vapid nature - putting the machines on a 10 year maintenance lease that costs a fortune.

In short, I am buying 2 coffee machines next year - one for my desk at work and one for home. In the mean time I am very lucky in that I am British, so although I prefer lots of coffee in the mornings, I can run entirely on tea for weeks at a time.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Wikipedia Meme

Nicked this of a friend on Facebook (Alyson), don't normally do MeMes but I like this one!

"Go to the Wikipedia home page and click random article. That is your band's name. Click random article again; that is your album name. Click random article 15 more times; those are the tracks on your album."

Band Name: Siemomysł of Pomerania
Album Name: The Scarlet Citadel

Track 1: Aristolochia cucurbitoides
Track 2: General Medical Council
Track 3: Cooperative Research and Development Agreement
Track 4: Trial of Saddam Hussein
Track 5: Viking FK
Track 6: Vanilla Sky (soundtrack)
Track 7: Anthony Lowther (of Marske)
Track 8: Lord High Commissioner
Track 9: Donnybrook!
Track 10: Shelly Manne
Track 11: List of asteroids/132701–132800
Track 12: Lestko
Track 13: KYRE
Track 14: Francisco Herrera the Elder
Track 15: Trans Caribbean Airways


Also, you should all buy a Single that is released today by a band called Circle 3. So go do it already!

Spare Parts

When I was little, if my dad saw a car that was vaguely similar to ours he would put his foot down and gleefully shout 'Spare Parts!'. This was great fun, though I did get funny looks off people as I would shout 'Spare Parts!' at passing cars whilst we walked down the street. Take heed of the influence you have over young children!

Another thing I did when I was very young was pick up a Donor card when I was at the doctor's surgery; I was about 6 I think. I'd seen adverts on the TV about people, who would otherwise be dead, walking about being grateful to some poor individual who was unfortunate enough not to be. All because the dead person carried around a bit of card which said it would be OK to use them as spare parts for someone who may otherwise die. This seemed like very good sense to me, even at that tender age, the only bit that confused me was 'Why the card?'. My mum said it would be OK if I carried one about so long as I understood what it meant, I said something about Dr Higgit poking my eyes out and gluing them to someone else - what could be simpler?

She did try to explain about the card, but it's difficult to explain to a 6 year old how anyone would not carry the card around with them.

There's this story on the beeb at the moment that prompted this post. It's not the use of ex-addict's organs that concerns me (I have no doubt the Mail and the Sun have 'Crack Transplant Horror!' or some such as a headline today), but the fact that there has to be a debate about whether or not to let people opt out of the transplant scheme, rather than opt in. This is a much more sensible process. This way, all the people who are simply to lazy to fill out the forms, or are ignorant of the fact that they need to do so in order for their organs to be used will be eligible to help save lives in the unfortunate event of their death.

Of course there are the hardcore religious who will opt-out because they interpreted some words in a cobbled together fairytale to mean that they aren't allowed to help their fellow man. Ironically making Jehovah's witnesses less Christian than most non-Christians. These are stupid people and can be forgiven to an extent but there will be a small number of selfish, horrible people who will opt out for even more spurious or self serving reasons, at some point one of these may require a transplant and it will be interesting to see how they would be dealt with. Personally I think we should go for the nightclub approach - 'If you're not on the list, you're not coming in'.

So. If you haven't already, go get a donor card until this retarded state of affairs is put right.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

School Dinners

Is pretty much what we get in the work canteen. Early 90s school dinners where the meat has been recovered from the bits that Mcdonalds won't use.

On the menu today? Turkey, stuffing and cranberry pasty.

Oh the humanity.

Of course if I had the sense to bring in my left overs from home, I wouldn't have this problem but as we've already discussed, I'm a moron. Greggs is is then!

Good Days

So far today I've been head hunted, always an ego boost (yeah, like I need it!) and found this:



Now if only they could make it hover and make the proper PacMan noises.....

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Cash in the Attic

Yes, that's right. I am using the name of a ropey daytime TV show as a dubious segway to my post. I really am THAT desperate for material. No one is cooler than me.

So I have a MacBook at last! I haven't posted anything here with it yet, you would have noticed - it would have looked slightly more beautiful than the other posts. At least that is my understanding of how these things work - I'll probably write something on the tech blog at the weekend about it. Or not as the case may be ;)

Anyway, I also now have an iPod - I know, I'm an idiot. I am trying to remove my need for the PC in the flat so that I am solely using the laptop but Zune doesn't work with Mac. Like ever. So I bought a Nano - which was idiotic because they simply don’t' have the capacity I would need to replace the Zune. So then I replaced it with an iPod 80. I know, really I know. I'm not a huge fan of them but it works on Windows and on Mac so.....

Anyway, all of which brings me to the post title - see how I got there by glossing over my barely simian fiscal reasoning? I am digging through all the crap I have wasted my money on over the last couple of years - Saturday is when the main dig begins - and then I am going to launch an ebay extravaganza with bargains galore. It'll be amazing and I hope to make upwards of 37 pounds.

In other news, I will be moving my TV (currently used as a Monitor, TV, Xbox Display) and the 360 into my Room With A Table in an effort to make it more front roomy. We are considering buying furniture for said room but I wouldn't hold my breath - most furniture has no buttons and the technology really hasn't moved on since the invention of the chair. Hover-chairs - that'll get me to IKEA. There aren't many things that can't be improved by adding a Hover aspect to them.

 
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