Office work and the Coffee flavoured beverage

I work in an office. You're jealous, I can tell. We have ancient coffee machines in the kitchen area, 2 of them. One of which at any given time is broken, both of which (when working) dispense a hot brown liquid. The designers of the machine were told what coffee was, where it came from and when people like to drink it most often. They then went away to design the machines with malice of forethought.

These people were the same people who designed Sony Sonic Stage software - a piece of software that could only be made worse if the monitor were to shoot pins into your eyes while you used it. They are the same people who are responsible for Paddy's hated automated announcer. They are the ones that pay Gary Bushel and stop him from dying horribly and painfully. They hate you.

So they designed a machine that not only breaks at precisely 8:17am every morning but got someone who has never tasted coffee before to make the beverages for the machine so that what you get is an artist's impression of coffee. They then took this machine to the people responsible for things like this in our company. These people are not bright, they are kept away from sharp objects and count drooling as chief amongst their hobbies. The evil faux coffee machine designers sell their device to the hapless droolers, taking advantage of their docile and vapid nature - putting the machines on a 10 year maintenance lease that costs a fortune.

In short, I am buying 2 coffee machines next year - one for my desk at work and one for home. In the mean time I am very lucky in that I am British, so although I prefer lots of coffee in the mornings, I can run entirely on tea for weeks at a time.