Welcome to the Light

‘……..and yay, Pedr the Non Believer did eschew the true way, the right way, the Holy Path Of Light. Turned he from succulent morsels offered by the Vendors of Righteous vittles, turned he from all victuals that he suspected of growing naturally from the Good Green Earth, turned he from the Path. Forsaking goodness, his companions did wail and gnash their teeth when he did attend them at a Pilgrimage to the Holy Temple, Spic’d Bangla, and rebuffed the offer’d Light Imbued Victuals. Instead he did follow another path, another way.
Upon a visit to the Prophet Matthew in the Cold North, the Prophet did offer the Lost One holy fodder on many occasions, each time having his offers of salvation rebuffed. The Prophet sent out a Telephonic Prayer to the attendants at the Temple Raj Pavillion and shook his head in Woe as he observed the lost one place another Greyn’d slab of reconstituted Poultry Rectal Tissue in the Microwave.

The Prophet did mourn this mar on an otherwise Good Soul and pondered for many years in the Cold North on how best to lend aide to his worthy friend. Eventually the Prophet moved to the Darkened South amongst the Heathens and Barbarians in hope that he could find further understanding. Sadly, they spoke a strange dialect, bereft of ‘T’s, ‘H’s’ and’ ‘L’s’ and the Prophet struggled to understand the guttural tongue. He often consulted with the Path’s most virtuous follower, the Holy Father and consumer of Phaals – Michael. Alas, even these great proponents of The Way could not bring Light into the soul of Pedr.

All did continue upon this disastrous and unholy Path for many years, Pedr sinking deeper into his perverse depravation until an Autumn Eve, an Eve much like any other. But no, not like any other for surely the Angels did Bless and Grace this eve with their Holy presence!

Sitting in his abode, the Lost One was occupied with unholy thoughts of Microwavable Snacks and other such abominations. As he sat there contemplating his souls lack of purity he espied his Sire consuming morsels of a Moderately Holy Countenance. His curiosity did flare and ask’d him of the great Enlightened One ‘Pater, mayest thou allow a morsel of thine victuals to pass mine lips?’. The Patriarch was momentarily stunn’d by this most unusual request but quickly acceded as a flare of hope burn’d within him that his belov’d sone may at last be sav’d. And so it came to pass that Pedr did sample a piece of flesh from within the Righteous Fodder and said he unto the Enlightened One ‘Tis pleasing to mine pallet Pater, it’s holiness tempts my soul!’. ‘Glory Be!’ replied the Patriarch ‘Swiftly now, tryest thou the pulses and other elements of the dish so that we may continue thy salvation!’. Thus did Pedr, the one previously thought beyond all hope of redemption, place his first step on the Path Of Light.

After consuming several dishes Modestly Holy, Pedr did feel ready to re-establish contact with the Prophet Matthew. Said he unto the Prophet ‘Prophet! Glorious news, I have come to the Light and wish now to bask in it’s full glory! Wilst thou perform for me a Baptism? So that the world may know my nature!’. ‘I would be gladdened beyond all reckoning by this deed Pedr! It warms my soul to know that even the most unlikely can come to the Light once they truly acknowledge it’s greatness!’. ‘hearken to me, Pedr, 8 days from this day shall the ceremony be performed, at a holy temple of curry in Bless’d Crewe. Thence forth you shall be a Beacon burning brightly into the souls of sinners, showing that it is never too late to come to the light…………………………….’*

*From the Book Of Phaal: Vindaloo 13:27

Blair Triumphs Against Evil Doer

Magnanimous Blair gives forgiveness

That's right, this miscreant was attacking the Noble and Christian Crusade that our glorious leader is carrying out in land of The Devil.

Hello, this is Matt Jones reporting from the 'Words from Heaven 2005' Tony Blair Conference. This event is held in appreciation of our Lord and Saviour Tony Blair. Initially this was to be a joyous report, where I would tell you about the Noble and Good work being carried out in the name of the Light over in Iraq, how women and children weep tears of joy in the streets at the passing of our troops and those of our Holy Allies, Bush-Force-Five.

Some cynical Hacks have suggested they are weeping because of their inability to feed their own families, or the lack of basic sanitation or even the suggested lack of power. Some go even further to suggest that they weep because they have a lack of faith in the gift of Democracy & Freedom(TM)* that our Sainted Leaders have supplied. Unfortunately, these hacks were unable to respond to Mr Blair's erudite request to discuss the matter. "Really? If you would like to move towards to the front, we can discuss this further.......little to the left" said The Holy Father, but in a cruel twist of fate a previously undiscovered Trapdoor opened beneath the naysayers and they fell into a an old medieval Spike Pit. Speaking about this tragic event, the Annointed One managed to comfort the Nation. "Even though they were but talentless journalists who provided nothing of worth in life and who sought to destroy this Great Nation, I mourn their passing. We can take comfort in knowing that in death they have provided the British Historical Society a unique insight into Medieval Death Traps".

Despite the event being marred by AntiBritish terrorists such as these reporters and Mr Wolfgang, the majority basked in the holy light of Mr Blair, and listened enraptured to the update on the Crusade delivered by his loyal Lieutennant, Darth Straw.

As a final word on Mr Wolfgang, the Chief of the Metropolitan Police (soon to be renamed the Blair Honour Guard), Sir Iain Blair, said "It's funny, he didn't look foreign, but after extensive investigations we found out he had a bit of a foreign name so it's OK". Since the event other members of Wolfgang's Terrorist Cell have been arrested in dawn raids. The chillingly named 'Over 80's only Bridge Club of London' have been in effect for over 30 years operating under the very noses of previous, less vigilant governments. "The name of this evil sect clearly indicates a devilishly callous plan to attack 'Over 80' of our beloved bridges in a cynnical attempt to undermine our transport infrastructure!' said the newly jack booted Sir Iain. The group are alleged to have been aware of possible plans/thoughts/indications of something vague and undefined possibly happening in the near and/or far future that may or may not have an outcome of a slightly offensive/inoffensive nature. Also one of them has an Asian green grocer. Thanks to the protection provided by the 'We can lock up anyone we like for no reason, nerrr nerrr!' Act of 2005, these deviants can be put away indefinitely without charge.


*Democracy & Freedom(TM) is a registered Trade Mark of BushBlair Industries 'Because those people don't really count'. Democracy and Freedom(TM) is in no way associated with definitions of the Anglo Saxon Words democracy and freedom and it is not the intention of BushBlair Industries to imply that any democracy or freedom will be supplied with the Democracy & Freedom(TM) Liberation Package. The Liberation package only secures the ousting of despots, with the provision that there is not to any actual ability to put up a pre-liberation fight. Any hint of actual weaponary will nullify any implementation of the Liberation package. Additionally, should said despots be nice to us, we regret to inform you that your country is not eligible for the Liberation package.
Apply for Democracy & Freedom(TM) now and, following an eligibility check, you will recieve an attractive carriage clock, and a metaphorical and probably physical kick 'Squah in the Nuts'.

Remakes, reinterpretations and other excuses for laziness

I was reading another blog randomly the other day (there is a link on my shiny new 'matts approved blogs' bit! the last one I think) and read that she had watched Alfie, starring Jude Law. Now often it doesn't take much to get me going, and this is one of my pet hates. People remaking already perfect pieces of work. Why? 'I wanted to pay tribute.....', 'I thought it was time for a modernisation....', 'It's a homage to the original......', 'I wanted to bring this work to a new generation......', 'blahblahblahblah.....'.

Bollox. You're a lazy talentless gimp who is out for a quick buck. You've got a guaranteed market with a well known brand, you don't need to employ anyone with talent to write the thing because it's already done. All you need is someone pretty in your remake and Presto, new film and you can afford your new Sculpted Gold Hatstand.

If they really want to update films and make them better. Pick a crap film and do some bloody work! Don't remake get Carter, it's already ace and since when does Sly know the first thing about acting? Don't remake Alfie because, well just don't! Don't remake the Lady Killers with Tom bloody Hanks because it's just embarassing when you compare it to the sublimely funny original! Don't even get me started on the Italian Job, Roller Ball and several other now massacred classics.

Here's a thing you may disagree with but I can prove it. Hollywood hasn't had an original idea in about 40 years, virtually everything that comes out is a remake of something or based on someone elses written work. No one has written a new film for as long as I can remember. Now that's just me ranting and it's possible I may be wrong, but right now I can't think of a single original concept. Please submit suggestions if you think of somehting. Even the Magnificent Seven is nicked. The Matrix? nicked. Sixth Sense? nicked. How do they get away with it? Few people are open minded enough to watch films with subtitles and that's where the ideas come from, places other than the States.

*[note]Actually that's unfair, there are some excellent film makers over there, they just don't get the exposure they should. Except for Tim Burton who does rock.*[/note]

I just watched an awesome Korean film called Old Boy. Violent, Disturbing but sometimes funny. It is beautifully shot, I have yet to see a hollywood picture with camera work like you find on Japanese and Korean productions. The corridor fight scene is continuous, rolling and beautifully done. Give it a few years and Hollywood will do to this amazing piece of work what they did to the Ring.

I could go on about how many other foreign films genuinely deliver. The original Taxi (not the Queen Latifa abomination) is a hilarious French Film, Delicatessen is another great French film. Life is Beautiful is an outstanding and touching film from Italy* . The list is endless but, unfortunately, most people are unaware of these films and if they see them at all it's only because of the inevitable, soulless and vastly inferior Hollywood remake.

Now I know I come across as totally anti-American film here but I can assure you I am not. I enjoy huge epic productions like LOTR, and the more common brain out- popcorn in film. I just wish they would leave well enough alone and turn their 'remaking' urges onto crap films. Let's see if someone can turn Piranha 2 into a good film shall we? That I would pay to see, and would acknowledge genuine talent if it was achieved.

A good example of how this can be done is the recent release of the Amytiville Horror, it was awesome. Ryan Reynolds, who I previously did not rate due to the awful Blade 3, delivers an outstanding Psycho. The original film was OK. Not good, not awful. So remake it, see if I care. I ranted before going but I can admit when i am wrong. You see? Take a bad or average film and make it great and I don't object!


This is taking longer than I thought so I will deal with the Hollywood tendancy to rewrite history and pass it off as fact another time. Pretty much anything recent (ie last 10 years!lol!) involving Mel 'Psycho, Anti-Semetic, Christian Supremacist' Gibson. Actually anything that they say is 'historical', I can assure you almost certainly isn't

[/rant]

*Won an Oscar I believe, not that they count for anything, just look at Titanic - or rather don't, you'll be ill.

Suits and Woodland don't mix

Left my flat at around 6am today to come to work. Got a bit ropey walking down my shortcut, It's like a tiny forest. Picking my way through this in the pitch black while suited and booted isn't my idea of a glorious start to the day! It was a little precarious dodging puddles but I did manage to avoid falling in the river, so every cloud.

Hoping to go to Wimbledon after work for a few drinks with Sam, may even just jump straight on a train without changing, I'll see what she says when she gets to work. If I'm still awake by then of course! 5am. Time or a Morally Evil force that shouldn't be encouraged?

I've managed to regenerate some skepticism about the Nano, so thinking I may not be one of the Pod People after all. Either that or they have become very clever since the dodgy 70's remake. Apparently it scratches really easily which is pretty shocking considering that a major chunk of the iPod market is populated by people who went for which player looked the nicest or was the coolest one to own, rather than which one did it's job the best. I put a big bit here about MP3 players and pro's and cons etc. Then I realised how intensely dull it was and if anyone really wanted to know they would go to a review website and read stuff written by someone who has a clue about what they are talking about.

I was talking to the Rah yesterday and we are going to a Halloween party at the end of October (no, really?!). We are going as Dennis the Menace and Beryl the Peril of Beano fame! I just need to get myself a hooped Black & Red striped Jersey and a pair of similar socks. Black shorts won't be a problem, may have to visit a Goth Shop for the other things though. Not sure what Emi and Kirsty are going as yet, but to be fair it is over a month away.

Definitely need to start going to the gym, my life appears to be entirely based on planning nights out.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

This is a dull post. You have been warned.

I've been replaced by a Pod Person, I'm sure of it.

Many years ago I railed against the brothers Gallagher because they are apes and I didn't think their band was all that special. I was sure they were good in their way, and some of the tunes were catchy but I refused to get caught up in the hype that followed them, as usually such hype is misplaced and innaccurate. They did appear to disappear up their own arses and my case, as far as I saw it, was proven.

The iPod. Very pretty and easy to use but the battery life a Horsefly would blanche at. The iPod mini, ditto. Once again the Hype put me off. It's dead easy to use but it doesn't play all file formats, so you are screwed if you use Windows Media player to compress your music. Personally don't think there is that much mileage left in mp3 as better formats are coming out and, I'm sad to say, Windows Media Audio is one of them. Christ I'm a geek! So, I would go for the Creative Zen Touch every time. 50 quid cheaper than the equivalent iPod, 26 hour battery life and plays every format you can think of. Coolio. I was phased not a jot when the Nano came out, looked like another piece of overpriced but pretty crap from Apple.

Here is the Pod Person bit (no pun intended). I bought the new Oasis album last week, I spent money on it and everything. It's awesome. OK there is a bit of filler but some quality tracks on there, most notably Loves Like a Bomb, Lyla and The Importance of being Idle. The video for the last is also quality, starring Rhys Ifans from my home town! woohoo!

Someone in work just got a Nano. It's more than pretty. They claim a 14 hour battery life, there is no Hard Drive so it's miniscule. It has a colour screen with cool resolution. Apparently they've addressed the sound quality and volume issues that were reported by some on it's predecessors, though I will wait for more reviews first before I decide on that. I'd prefer 6GB drive but that's just picky to be honest. Still has the format restrictions though.

I use my phone as a player right now but it's not ideal, I've been thinking about getting one for months. Problem is I am saving for a new computer (come one, I am a geek and this one is nearly 3 years old!) and can't really justify the outlay. Also could do with a car at some point, but wait for Mr Judge's Judgement on my license before I continue with that aspiration!

So, it's down to persuading the family to club together to get my shiny new toy for Christmas.... well...... you never know.......

Slapdash Subway

Slapdash. What a great word. Vastly underused in my opinion.

Anyway, it's testament to how chipper I am feeling that I am re-writing this whole post after it timed out on me after I'd finished it. I left it for about an hour while I did some work related stuff and lost the whole thing! And still only the traces of a scowl on my curmudgeony face.

OK on to the topic at hand. Subway Sandwiches. Being an experienced and accomplished Hypocrite, I can slag off fast food chains in the same breath as I extole the virtues of Subways. I first had one in Hull, where the angelic crafters of Sandwich masterpieces, lovingly created each delectable morsel as if their very life depended on it*. My favorite is the Sub Melt with everything and the Magical trio of Chipotle, Honey Mustard and Sweet Onion sauces.

Eat my Goal!

So when I went to Leatherhead town today to get a Subway, imagine my horror when the surly Troll behind the counter put the thing in the Microwave. The whole butty! What's wrong with this barely simian chimp? I know they microwave some of the sandwich contents but what kind of insane madman microwaves bread? The creature's mind is clearly diseased.

I have, however, already declared my chipper mood today and I'm going to demonstrate this by highlighting the 'silver lining' of this apparently desperate situation. 'What good could possibly come of this Matt? How are you not being treated for shock? God you're strong!'. I know, but I've brought my considerable abilities to bear on the problem and I have identified some bloody good things to come of this devastating experience.

1)I ate the sandwich
2)Despite it falling to bits at every available opportunity due to the shoddy workmanship and irreparable microwave damage, it was very tasty
3)I got to use the words 'Slapdash', 'Chipper' and 'Shoddy' all in one day. I rock.

RoboMatt just threatened to post his Thesis for his Chemistry Phd as a comment on my Blog. I don't think he is joking.





*Artistic License is such a wonderful thing ;-)

Reasons not to go out in Leatherhead at the weekend

Or rather Reason, singular. Basically it sucks, went out for a few last night and there was no one about at all. My favorite pub here had some folk singer on, who was very good but to be honest - wrong pub wrong day. So really looking forward to next weekend. Nim's birthday bash should be a scream, especially if I can get Sam to come along. Trying to get her to bring the Boy Niall too, only met the guy once but he seems a really good guy and he plays Gaelic football and various other intensely violent, pad-free sports. Nutter.

So off to Old Orleans next Friday, going to try round up some troops for it during the week so there is a mass of people there. Nim appears not to have so much a circle of friends but rather a Hemisphere so my small contribution may not be noticed, but every little helps ;)

Am going to give Lee a ring this week too, I know he has a Thursday, Friday and Saturday session planned so will probably join in on at least one of those. Should be a good laugh, Lee is always a good guy to go out on a session with, has no concept of home time! Whenever you say 'right, I'm off mate' he always replies with 'What? you goin home? awww. well see you next time buddy' like it's 9 o'clock and you are heading home early despite it being nearly 3am.

Now don't get me wrong, Leatherhead is a pleasant enough place it just isn't the centre of the entertainment universe.

Ok, other stuff 'wot Matt is up to' (getting used to the way some people speak down here) this week. Hopefully off to Wimbledon on Wednesday to hook up with Sam and do a bit of catching up general chit chat. Was really good last time we met up because her parents were down so got to catch up with the family too. May also have night out in Guildford another time in the week, but that depends on 3rd parties so will wait and see on that one.

Got another 6am start on Tuesday which will be immense fun, as I'm sure you can imagine, because we are turning on all the things we switched off last Tuesday. Once again I omit the details for security and, more importantly, audience retention reasons.

Just read this thing back. It is intensely dull! Christ. You poor people who have made it this far and have yet to find a morsel of entertainment! Time to make something up...................

I defeated a Dread Lord from the depths of Hell yesterday, he was attempting to infect and corrupt the population of the Earth by having Barney the Dinosaur broadcast every hour on the hour on every station on the planet. After I broke into his fortress and defeated his evil, purple clad and annoyingly sweet honour guard I confronted the meglomaniacal mad man-daemon. I explained how 'organised' is spelt with an 's' not a 'z' and this left him distracted and confused, thus giving me enough time for me to go about my noble crusade. I proceeded to hack into his broadcast system and sent out images of Pob and the Banana Bunch in place of the product of Satans's own arse that is Barney and thus the population was saved. What of the evil daemon Dave? Well he'd been too corrupted by his own filth and soiled his purple pants at the sight of a true servant of the Light and now is in a rehabilitation facility on a 24 hour diet of Trapdoor and Dangermouse.

That'll do you.

Saturday Problems

Sam is busy tomorrow. The bloody cheek of it! Apparently she has 'other friends'. Well that's just fine Miss Root! I am going to phone your mother and tell her that you've snubbed me, leaving me cold and alone in Fetcham with nothing but a handful of curry houses within spitting distance and next door to a shop with a special offer on Stella................... hang on.

So it's all good though because next week is filling up nicely and it's pay day on Tuesday woohoo! Haven't seen the Midget of Raynes Park in ages so hopefully we'll meet up sometime in the week and she has expressed and interest in Nim's birthday too. So i guess I can forgive her.

I've known her pretty much since she was born so we've been friends for ages and despite the overpowering body odour she excretes and mad staring eyes, she's quite a sweet girl. Surprisingly she hasn't married a fat chemist called Keith as we all predicted she would, instead opting for an outwardly normal boyfriend called Niall. I'm sure there is some dark and weird secret about him that explains his bizarre choice of girlfriend, or maybe he is just masochistic.

So a big hello to my diminuitive friend. The Pygmy of south London and ruler of all she surveys. Which isn't very much because she can barely peer over her turn ups.

Welcome to my Blog Sam! ;-)

For Maria, my Number 1 fan!

That's right. Matt has a hot Columbian woman hanging off his every word, I rock! lol!

Don't worry Maria, the Man Flu didn't claim my life. It was responsible for two miserable and boring days though. Still feel rough but had to get back to work or I was going to start drilling holes in my kneecaps just to relieve the boredom!

I was also driving Emi and Hannah insane with my miserableness so before I turned into a complete Pariah I figured it was time to go back to work. Besides, I slept and I ate. That means I am better. Also there is the amusing possibility of infecting all my colleagues, so could have some entertainment soon too!

I'm glad I came back today because Friday is Hoffday here in our little corner of the project and today I received The Hoffs CV. If anyone would like to receive this or any of the other fabulous Hoff-based emails I've received please let me know and I will make sure you are fully Hoffified!

My popularity is on the up again. Woohoo! It's Lee's birthday next week so I think there is something on next Thursday but not sure what yet. Nim's birthday is next Friday and we are going to Old Orleans in Guildford which should be good. There is also a thing going on in Hull next weekend with Hannah and Emi but not sure if I can go to that yet. Depends on whether their sofa is free or not! lol! Also I am working next Saturday morning so may leave them alone for a while, I think they've got a dose of OverMatt at the moment. If I don't go to Hull there could be another Guildford night out instead.

There may also be another night out in the week sometime, but waiting on a phone call for that one. Finally I could be going out in Guildford tomorrow night but not really up for it right now. Stuart is spending his first weekend in the flat and fancies a night in Guildford, I'm still feeling a little rough though so will have to wait and see I think.

Actually. I am going to email my friend Sam and see what she is up to, could be a night in Wimbledon. Watch this space.....

SNAP!

As promised, I've now snapped out of my bizarre malaise. Well enough to appreciate what a whining irritant I've been anyway. So in celebration of this I've decided post a picture of me. It's good for several reasons:

a)It's dark
b)I'm drunk and
c)I'm using the global gesture of 'International Party Animal'

So, all good ;-)

Or not. It's locked into my phone as a system file for some reason. bah! It's all good though people, I have it in work. I will update this post tomorrow ;-)

-----PHOTO HERE!----BRACE YOURSELVES-----





I decided a pose that said 'Cheesier than a dairylea sponsored Cheesathon in Wisconsin' was definitely the way forward.

Don't worry. The mind has a way of forgetting the pain, in time the horror will pass! ;-P

Ramblings of a disillusioned mind

For want of something productive to do with my time I've decided to make another entry although what it will contain I'm not sure yet as I'm just writing as I think.

Called that girl earlier while I was talking to Emi on MSN. Actually while she was off doing something but you get the idea. Think we are still on for a date at some point so that's good. Calling her while I sound like a creepier version of Barry White may have been ill advised though. Got shouted at by the Rah (in text form anyway) becasue she thinks I'm all depressed about not having a girlfriend and that I'm being stupid. She thinks this because I've been in a bad mood today and was whining about a whole host of things including the bizarre and evil set of wiring that passes for the female mind. Not having a girlfriend is an unsurprisingly low priority on my list of things to be down about, more important is the disappointing vindaloo I had from the local curry house last week.

It was mild and tasteless, and this was somewhere I'd been raving about too! I've noit been able to bring myself to go back, I feel so disappointed!

Saint Helens won the Minor Premiership in Superleague a few weeks ago (Go Us!), and now have to beat Leeds in the Playoffs to get to the Grand Final at Old Trafford. Things are looking a little shaky as we are without our Half Back Sean Long and the Loose Forward and captain Paul Sculthorpe. We got a few other injuries too but these are key players, both will be missing the Test series in November whioch is a major blow.

Oooh! Speaking of which, the Rah has tickets to go see the third test in Hull on the 19th of November. I'm currently compiling a series of bribes in case her Dad has a sudden attack of idiocy and turns down the chance to go.

Just got text off the girl. Not looking good. Ho-Hum. Ever have a day when things just all go wrong?

Man Flu, Crankiness and Herbal Tea

I've had to take a day off work today so I'm not a happy bunny. I know what all you girls are thinking :- 'Typical man, gets a slight sniffle.....blahblahblah'. Well you can bite me quite frankly, I'm not particularly pleased about staying off and I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think it was necessary. Figure one day off now to try and kick this thing in the head is worth several later on. Need to sleep too. Besides The office is full of men, can't be starting a Man Flu epidemic!

I do feel pretty rough but I know it's not like a proper hardcore sickness or anything. I know this because I am able to stand. If anyone ever tells you they have the flu, by the way, there is a simple test you can carry out called the '50 pounds test'. You put 50 quid on the floor 10 feet from their bed. If they get up to pick it up they don't have flu.

No the main thing here is that I've barely slept in 2 nights now, and that just makes you feel worse, I'm just sick enough not to be able to sleep. Which sucks because that's like right up there in my all time favorite things to do. So I'm making a cup of peppermint tea and going back to bed.

Yes peppermint tea, don't knock it until you try it, it's great stuff especially if you need a non caffeinated drink. Granted there are few circumstances when I can think that's appropriate but there you go. It's the only Herbal tea I'll drink and I love it. For any Americans reading, that's Herbal by the way. Not Urrrbal. Because there's a fucking H in it.

Which leads me neatly on to crankiness. I'm feeling slightly rough, and let's be honest I'm not a golden ray of summer sunshine at the best of times. I know it's hard to believe but I am an incredibly bitter person, any form of sickness amplifies this because I find it so bloody annoying. So expect lots of vitriol today, particulalry if I can't sleep.

Look at this

Just went to check out one of my old lecturers blogs (he has many), and recommend it to all. So check out The Crazy World of Rob Miles. He was a very entertaining lecturer with some of the worlds most painful jokes. You know the type, the ones where you can see the punchlines coming with the dread inevitibility of the light of a Freight Train heading down a tunnel.

Still haven't phoned the Girl. May do so tomorrow, worried about infecting her with my deadly disease. Also I want a fighting chance and sniffling and coughing is not a way to WoW a girl now is it?

Watch this space for weekend stuff, I want to gather the photos before I post on it.

I left work a few hours early today thanks to Andrew. All Man Flu stuff aside, I was pretty rough and it was a bit pointless me being there. Hopefully will be better tomorrow, sure it's just fatigue more than anything so decent night sleep will kick this rather irritating infection out the door.

Ok, I'm gonna go. Will phone the Girl tomorrow. Probably.

Sleep Deprivation and Work

Well Death has yet to wrap his cold, clammy hand around my weakening heart. I have yet enough strength with which to report to you, dear reader, my progress on this day.

I also have enough strength not to communicate in a Dickensian style so that's enough of that!

I am flagging though. Due to the debilitating effects of Man Flu I only got around 2 hours sleep last night, which is making for some interesting thoughts going through my brain. I find my brain switching off even more than usual and watching my fingers as I type is making me quite dizzy!

I'm still holding back on the weekend report because I am knackered and I want to write about ti when I am more awake and at home so I can do it justice! Suffice to say, I was very happy witht the choice of era after I saw what the girls were wearing ;-). Right I did have something to write but can't remember what it was because my fragile little mind has switched off again.

Man Flu.

I'll talk about the truly awesome weekend later, right now I have breaking Matt Health news.

It's just gone 6:30am and I am in work, which is bad enough. I also have Man Flu. Now calm down, I know it's worrying but I've had this potentially fatal disease since last night and I made it through until the morning. I'm told if you make it through the night you are over the worst of it, we can only pray that's true.

Don't worry loyal friends, I'm a fighter and I'll beat this thing! Tell Tiny Tim I might not be home for Christmas!

For those of you unfamiliar with this silent killer, I'll explain about Man Flu. First off, it is possible for women to get Man Flu but it affects them differently, in fact almost not at all. Man Flu immitates the symptoms of the common cold, cunningly concealing itself as a lesser illness. However when gripping a Human Male in it's icy grip, the victims behaviour is also dealt a devastating blow! This effect appears to be multiplied if there are any women within a 300 yard radius of the home of the victim.

Other than the deceptively mild symptoms, the man is struck with an urge to lie wimpering on the couch, uttering words like 'I'm dying.....' and '[cough!] could I get some tea please?....'. Cynnical women have suggested that 'It's not that bad!'. These harridans refuse to accept that when they contract this cruel illness, they don't feel the full brunt of it's vicious assaults. I pray they never do, though perhaps it would help them understand the terrible suffering.

Anyway, I should go back to work. Though I shouldn't be here, I'll soldier on as long as the sweet embrace of unconciousness doesn't claim me. I'll just have to keep going. One day at a time.


[cough!]I have to get my own tea! These are truly heartless people![cough!cough!]

Blair Toughens up Anti-Terror Laws

In an effort to defeat an evil abstract concept, arbiter of The Lord Tony Blair has received word from God (GWB) that he must tighten up anti-terror laws. When Mr Blair was told that some critics see this as a further move towards a police state, he was heard to respond 'Really? And what are their names?....', while steepling his fingers in what one passer-by termed a 'Sinister fashion'. The passer-by was unfortunate enough to be the fatal victim in a bizarre kitchen related accident, when he fell backwards onto a carelessly abandoned kitchen knife 17 times later that day.

Among the new proposals is the introduction of 'early friendly bed time'. Sleep police will patrol the streets after 7 pm making sure they are clear of all people. 'The reasons for this measure are two-fold' Explains the saintly Blair. 'First, people can strengthen the family unit. Secondly, it is well known that Terror only comes out at night, so anyone out after that time is clearly a cohort'.

Further to his plans, the Great Protector plans to introduce 'Mind Minders' later this year. These government employees, dressed in a cozy black leather Uniform and trained to the height of physical fitness in order to lengthen their continued service, will help to identify Terror in otherwise apparently innocent citizens. Mr Blair is slightly vague about the plans but I can reveal that they are to be equipped with a variety of Terror detecting devices:

1)Picture of perfect Non-Terrorist (White, average height, average weight, probably Christian, good enunciation or, alternatively, 'salt of the earth' type, vacant look)
2)Anti-terror stick
3)Anti-Terror gun
4)Anti-Terror 'persuasion' devices

Blair concluded that 'These Mind Minders will ensure that mus..... errrr.... Terrorists don't get a free ride in this country! We will track down anyone who looks slightly fore..... errrm terrorist like, and if they are poor we will deal with them in the harshest possible way!'

Keep tuned for future updates

And the survey says!:

It was kind of a variation on number 9. She was getting ready to go out. So, yeah, she called back. Not entirely sure what happened after that. I got kind of confused after the initial 'Hi how are you?'s . It's all good though, because my natural ineptitude wasn't in full swing and I did remember to ask her to go for 'a drink or something'. Smooth eh?

Gimme a break. I was caught kind of off guard, her cunning tactic of not telling me to get lost threw me completely off my groove, couple this with the shock of the call back and I wasn't on the most eloquent of form. The important thing here is that she said yes and I will be calling her next week to arrange to go out somehwere and do something.

Now the more Studly among you may consider this arrangement a bit vague, but, frankly 'You can go to Hell! You go to Hell and you Die!'. Ahem. OK, so there is the update. All hail Emi and the Rah for shouting at me and not letting me wait before calling.

Oh, don't expect too much more on this by the way. I think blogging about a virtual stranger is OK, and blogging about people you've known for a while is OK but should anything at all come of this thing, documenting how things are going is just weird!. So I might say stuff like, things are going well or not so well or whatever but vagueness will be the order of the day. Of course, it may be that i've agreed to go out on a massive night out as a friend in which case there will be nothing to tell anyway. But if there is, all you're getting is 'It's going well' or 'Going not so well'.

Bloody freaks, coming round here expecting to see the details of my personal life!

One for Leigh : 'You ought to be ashamed of yourself............ you'll go blind!'

OK, also - Andrews Birthday today (yesterday). He's 25 now, getting over the hill. His cantankerousness is coming on a treat and soon he'll be as bitter as me! So happy birthday to him.

Anyway, this has been a right ramble because I am knackered. Sorry. Promise more entertaining posts soon.

Girls, Time to take one for 'The Team'

OK. I have had an idea that I think will benefit the majority of the female population and, obviously, myself. I want all the attractive, intelligent and above all funny women to get together and pick one to take one for the team. I don't care how you do it; Draw straws, random number generator, two girl sack races on consecutive Sundays, I don't care.

However you decide, the loser has to go on..... I dunno.....lets say 3 dates with me and make a good show of enjoying herself. After the third date, she is free to go but she needs to make sure that it isn't a 'break up'. So that either means she fakes her own death, moves to Brazil to care for sick Spider Monkeys, pretends to be a member of the BNP or possibly tries to convince me she's a man. I'll leave it up to the imagination of the individual concerned.

By making this small sacrifice, you could prevent my harrassment of women in pubs and clubs for months by boosting my ego. You see 3 dates is pretty good. When people say 'When was the last time you had a girlfriend?' I can reply '[insert truth]* but I've seen [number of women in scheme] since I broke up with her, it's hard to find the 'right one' though'

See how it works? A small pretense could keep me away indefinitely! It's something to consider anyway, so have a think about it.


*Currently around 6 months technically, though we broke up around 8 months ago.

From Stud to Dud!

Particularly pleased with the title of this post, most apt. After much arguing with Emi and Hannah I decided to phone the girl I met at the weekend a little while a go. My lack of confidence in the outcome of said phone call was outweighed by the prospect of two and a half days of badgering when I go to Hull so phone I did.

There are various reasons I didn't phone earlier, abject cowardice being a key recurring theme, but also some legitimate ones that I can't be bothered to go into.

So anyway I called and she didn't answer her phone which is a fairly good indication that she probably didn't want to. I've narrowed this result down to ten of the most likely possibilities, feel free to vote on the matter.

1)She was really drunk and was therefore subject to 'Beer Goggles'
2)After not receiving a phone call from me by Monday, she decided she could never love another man and ran away to join a Convent
3)One of the Crab People
4)She has had corrective eye surgery since our meeting
5)Kidnapped by Aliens
6)Phone Nicked
7)Kidnapped by a super advanced race of Sea Creatures
8)She kind of hinted that there maybe a Boy already, so possibly that's it. Then I'm rubbish at hints! lol!
9)She's doing a Nursing degree. It's possible she couldn't answer her phone because of work. Boys gotta hope! lol!
10)She reads this blog.

Oh, in case anyone is looking for the ever popular 'Maybe she doesn't answer unknown numbers!' entry, she does actually have it so that usually credible possibility is sadly relegated.

Still, at least I don't have to keep thinking about it now. At least I tried to call her which is more than I usually do, and the not answering of the phone is probably better than actually being told to bugger off. As a final word on this, don't be giving me the 'you only phoned her once!' crap, I'll show as a missed call so it's not like I've not left a number. Repeatedly calling someone you don't know is weird and often punishable by a restraining order, and besides my stalking schedule is jam packed, I couldn't possibly manage an additional subject.

Highly Trained Professional

That's right folks! 3 months in and I'm being Inducted into the project! My 2 day Induction has begun and soon I will be a Guru of all things on my project. I've spent the morning in front of PowerPoint slides and already I am aglow with arcane knowledge, the envy of friends and colleagues.

Ok, maybe not but it's actaully really interesting in a very geeky kind of way if you're that way inclined. I do, however, appreciate that most of my readership (if there are any of you!) are not so I'll spare you the detail.

Looking forward to the weekend immensely, be really good to see everyone again, sounds like a bunch of people I haven't seen in an absolute age will be at the party so should be good. I'll regale them with thrilling tales of my exploits! That should cover the first five minutes, will need to find something more interesting to tell them afterwards. I may need to resort to lying.

Note to self: Lead a more interesting life. Perhaps take up International Man of Mysterying, Stuntmanning and/or race driving. Consider foiling plot to destroy/take over the world concocted by Evil Genius.

Alternatively become said Evil Genius.

Culinary delights

I occasionally eat at the works cafe. I always instantly regret it of course because if you fed this stuff to your dog the RSPCA would be around your house within 5 minutes.

Sausage and mash. A child of four could make it without a problem. A child of four with learning difficulties. In fact a child of four with severe myopia, learning difficulties and an inner ear problem that affected their balance could cook this simplest of dishes.

So could someone explain to me how I ended up with partially mashed potatos (with those characterful uncooked lumps in! mmmm!), a dribble of gravy and a 'Mister Whippy' turd shaped sausage that ranges in colour from tan to 'Prison Pallor'. Top off that taste sensation with peas cooked to a point where they could legally be classified as offensive weapons, peas so bad that in the Human Rights charter they come under the heading 'Cruel and Unusual punishment'

My chagrin was doubled when Andrew came back to his desk with the same meal. He doesn't agree with gravy and sausage, but then he is from the southeast and people aren't right in the head down here. So he says 'they bloody drowned it in gravy'.
Why couldn't I get the pool of lovely salt laden, and most importantly - colour and taste masking - gravy? Goddammit! I was exposed to the full spectrum of the Cafe Microwave Operatives' culinary arsenal! At least he spilled it down his top, so it wasn't all bad. Though, if he objected to it that much, perhaps the sink might have been a better option? Maybe I'll mention that to him.

Note to self: No matter how lethargic or hungover you feel, you've done nothing wrong so stop punishing your blameless body with this barely flavored slurry!
Maybe I should start cooking again and bringing in my own food, thats what I've been planning on for what seems like an age. OK, after the major piece of work we are doing next week I am going to turn over a new leaf and bring my own food. Promise.

Car Insurance and 'The Man'

My colleague & team leader Andrew is sitting next to me at the moment giving a running monologue entitled 'Woe is Andrew'. He is looking for car insurance quotes on the Net and is getting some cheap ones, but every time he calls up to confirm they whack about 50 quid onto the online quote. He has decided that 'The Man' has put the word out about his efforts to get cheaper insurance than the 'clearly Evil Direct Line' and instructed his infiltrators in rival companies to boost their quotes.

It's heartening to think that I've only been here a few months and yet appear to be having a profound influence already.

New theme....

Ok, so it's no longer Knights and Damsels, it would appear the practicality of the situation has penetrated. Now it's a 60's theme and I have the very tie for the situation! Just need to sort out the rest of the clothes now.......

Weekend score 9/10.....

No updates over the weekend Matt? What's going on? Well the story begins on a miserable Saturday morning..... LOL! OK, the short version.

I agreed to go out in Guildford on Saturday for Robs birthday, wasn't really up for it for some reason but got myself all spruced up and my friend Hannah came to get me and we headed Guildford-ward. Saw rob for like 5 minutes before he vanished somewhere but I was with my Uni mates Lee and Hannah, and two colleagues Katy and Alex (don't think you weren't spotted canoodling either!).

Also (OK bear with me here!) Hannah's best friend Hanna was there, who brought along her new friend Leanne. With me so far? good. OK Hanna and Leanne both started a Nursing degree at Guilford uni last week, and Hanna being the way she is invited Leanne (whom she had known for precisely 8 hours) to come out with us. Which made me enormously happy because she is beautiful, and has remarkably good taste in American cartoons.

The point of this long winded tale is that I got her number. It's great, I appear to have developed a knack for getting the numbers of beautiful yet myopic women. I may even develop a back bone and give her a call, who knows? Of course if I do, I'll then have the problem of preventing her from sorting out those cataracts and ruining a relationship clearly destined for eternal happiness.

So that was Saturday anyway, it was a good day though I did manage to get completely spazzed beyond all human recognition and could barely see let alone stand by the time I got home.

Sunday: Slightly delicate, obviously that last pint was a bit dodgy. Made a cardiac arrest for breakfast. Cleaned kitchen and bathroom as Stuart was due back off holiday and it wouldn't be good to walk in after a 6 hour drive to see all my washing up lying around!

Oh! On Saturday we arranged a BBQ at Lee's house but the weather wasn't look too good, so me and Leanne figured it was off. Gutted because Lee was still keen to throw it but by the time he got in touch Leanne had made other plans. Or she was just politely bailing?

Wasn't really in a fit state to leave the flat anyway, spent the day buggering around with the computer and talking over the Net with Mike (Voice chat does rule), playing games. Had a disappointing curry for which I was forced to leave the flat for three or four minutes, I was sufficiently recovered to cope though so it wasn't all bad.

All in all a quality weekend, good night in good company on Saturday and totally lethargic recovery on Sunday with an activity level of nearly Zero (I did have to get up once or twice!). Only down side is that I have been told that Rah's (another Hannah) birthday in Hull this coming weekend is a Knights and Damsels theme. I have neither full plate mail nor a ball gown

Way to go Sky News!.....

Never a truer word spoken...

The results are in...

And it would appear that I have officially joined the ranks of the educated. Just checked the University portal and it says I have passed my resit (assuming I am translating their codes correctly!). This means that I now officially meet the requirements of my job, which is handy considering I've been working here since June. They've been really good actually, not putting any pressure on me or anything. This also means that the last 4 yeasr of my life has been justified.

Most importantly it means I can walk around with my nose in the air telling everyone 'Of course, University was so much harder in my day - these sponging students have it easy nowadays'.

Actually that isn't the most important thing. The most important thing is that i have an appointment in Wales with my dad and a very special bottle of Jamesons special reserve. Oh yes indeedy.

Hmmmmm..... gone a whole post without complaining or attacking anyone, can't have that.

Bush is a moron. Houmous is filth.

That's better.

Patience is a virtue but I lost my virtue long ago....

Game still not here so it seems it's lost in the post unfortunately. They won't consider it lost until next week sometime which means it'll be the week after before I get any joy :-(.

So I went to Epsom and bought a copy there. I know! you don't need to tell me, it's pathetic! I now have paid twice for the same thing, the second time slightly more than the first! (Why do you think I ordered online in the first instance?). It's OK though, I'm not a total moron, I was sure to check Plays returns and refunds policy and it's a straight return and refund no questions so long as it isn't opened. And it may not be a problem anyway because I have a free trial license too so if i can get Andy at work hooked on it, he can buy the shiny new one off me when it arrives :-)

He reads this, maybe I should keep my cunning plans to myself........................

Change of pace

I've been complaining far too much, even more than normal. To redress the balance I am reproducing one of my favorite Bill Bailey stand up bits here!:

What I hate are these foods you get in the supermarkets that try and make you feel guilty. I saw this thing 'RSPCA monitored chicken'.................... It's obviously not 24 hours is it? At some point it's had its head ripped off and it was basted in a lemon and cracked pepper sauce! Obviously the RSPCA guy just nipped out for a smoke, came back and 'noooo!'.
I've noticed though, food getting very poncy, oh dear! Even in Scotland. I thought it'd be lovely home type food up there but oh no! Sundried Tomatoes, Pan Fried Chicken - Pan Fried Chicken?! What else you gonna fry it in? A Bucket?! Shoe? Hub cap? 'Shoe fried chicken please, and errm, I'll have a rabbit done in an old pair of gardening trousers'
Sun dried tomatoes. How long you gotta wait for your tomatoes that's what I want to know! 'Och it's a wee bit cloudy!...... come back tomorrow!'
No, simple food that's what I like. Just a tin of tomatoes, on the front a photograph with some tomatoes on a plate. Underneath it says 'Serving suggestion'. Just tip em out, done! Few friends round, two tins.


OK, it's better to watch or listen to the guy but it passed the time.

And the morale of the story is...

Stop whining like a little girl with a skinned knee and they turn your internet on! Woohoo! That's right people I am connected to the interwebby thing and am available for 24 hour blogging! That is until Play get my shiny new game to me or until the weekend when I'll be following a tried and tested formula of drinking until I forget how bad the music in whatever club I find myself in is!

Considering I am currently listening to Credence Clearwater Revival and spent one of my most recent weekends ironing, I think middle age is getting an unfair headstart in my life. Maybe I'll get a free dose of 'pre-30' energy later on when I am around 60 or something? I can but hope I guess.

Ah that's more like it! Kings of Leon, definitely more credible! (though CCR do rock).

Cleanse and Purify!

This post title has nothing to do with the content, just know Mike is reading this and it will bring a smile to his face!

I'm not going to whine about ADSL anymore, even I am growing tired of it! Got all my stuff through just got to wait for the trolls at BT to flip the switch.

Finally got my free lunch off the Staff Manager today! woohoo! Was very nice, though I did get a little cautious when he took me to a pub right near where the ex works. Don't know if I mentioned on here but I found out a girl I used to go out with 3 years ago moved down here about the same time I did, to a place around 10 minutes down the road. I think if I turned up it would look more than a little stalker like, and she really doesn't need that kind of help with her already considerable ego.

Anyone who doesn't know these sites should immediately familiarise themselves with them, first is The Onion , Americas finest news source. Next is The Whitehouse, particuarly the patriot test. Absolute genius.

I think I am addicted to ordering stuff from play. A psychology student would probably say it's some deep seeded psychological need for excitement caused by a spoiled surprise when I was three. Or if you're a Freudian you probably think it's because i want to sleep with my mum, you sick freak!
It is quite pathetic though. You know, every time I go home home - will there or won't there be mail? oooooh! Having said that, the anxiety I am experiencing at the moment because one of my orders seems to have gone astray may cause a rethink!

Word Verification

Just an apology to the two or three of you that occasionally comment. I've turned on the word verification for comments because I keep getting spamtastic comments promising me a cure for my back pain and advice on where to buy my next horse.

The need to Purify British Telecom

What follows is a total whinge, so if you aren't in the mood, just skip it :-P

It has become clear to me that the insidious members of the unclean cult known as British Telecom have revealed themselves to be worshippers of the Great God Bengali, the Incompetent One. Also known as Ranulf 'You'll have to get through m...... Arrgh! i'm hit!', God of lame sidekicks.

After an arduous quest to contact the living through Demons hazardous automated phone system, I eventually got through to the Oracle of ADSL knowledge. His name was Keith, and unlike all other Demons I have spoken to or contacted through email, he hadn't yet gone through the removal of helpfulness operation common to his colleagues. After a short wait he informed me that the exchange was full and the BT engineer would be going out to it on the 16th of September. I'm rather optimistically assuming that he means this year, though this is BT so there is no way to be sure. Another pissing ten days!

The only solution is to cleanse BT with purifying flame. After they have connected my internet of course. This basically means that even if I were to cancel and switch provider I would have the same problem, so I may as well stick with Demon because when they eventually turn on the service, at least it'll be value for money!

In conclusion, BT suck huge blubbery arse.

Monday thinkings...

Still no ADSL. Still no shiny new game, worried its gone missing now - Play sent it last Wednesday and still not here :-( . Yes I'm a Geek, I don't care goddammit! What the hell you expect? I studied Computer Science for Chrissake! Of course I'm a geek!

I think I've ordered my ADSL off the surliest people in Christendom. I'm not sure anyone can be naturally that surly, certainly not such a high concentration of people. I think Demon must send them on some kind of training course where they watch people drowning puppies in order to remove all faith in humanity. Even the emails are surly. I sent them one last week that was uberly polite in the extreme. I was asking them to chase up the line test and give me an estimate on when they would turn the service one. The response I got had 7, count 'em, 7 words! And three of those were the signature.

Maybe their copy of Outlook was running out of ink.

Looks like Dubyah has finally acknowledged the existence of Louisianna. He probably figured that since most of the important tax payers got out in time no one would notice the poor, the weak or those pesky African Americans. It's a sad state of affairs when such an incompetent, uncaring moron is allowed to run the worlds only super power. Though to be fair, it's fairly obvious that he isn't the one running the show.

I was watching the Beeb yesterday and some estimates suggest there will still be people in the conference centre at Christmas.

Hands up all those who think this kind of pitiful effort would be displayed if a similar disaster struck somewhere like LA or Chicago? It's shameful the speed that the worlds most powerful man crawled into action. OK, some blame has to lie with the State concerned, the emergency planning was fairly badly thought out but, ultimately, responsibility for the unnecessary loss and death caused by the aid delay has to lie with the administration of the country. Wasn't this precisely the kind of the thing the department of homeland security was supposed to help with?

It's easy to criticise from the outside looking in, and it's a bit rich of me to get on my high horse like this but it just seems that Dubyah and the administration in general have shown a complete disregard for the people of Louisianna and I have to wonder how much demographics came into play in the decision making process.

Ok I better go, this is turning into an essay. Will write somehting a little mroe upbeat next time! ;)

2nd Saturday in doors.......

OK, things are getting serious. Rob has had to cancel this weekends birthday bash due to half his friends not being about and a sudden affliction known has 'parental visit'. That means this'll be the second weekend in a row I'll be in my flat, this would be fine if the internet was on, I could play games and be merry! I may be forced to watch the idiot box. Euch! Primetime TV, vaccuum wrapped, plastic, reconstituted Macdonalds pap unfit for human consumption. And that's just soap operas.

Still it does prevent me from spending a fortune going out in the extortionately priced 'we're fairly close to London so we must be trendy' (your not) Guildford town centre. I'm also saved the embarassment of having my drunken advances rejected by whatever unsuspecting and hapless women I would have stumbled across.*

Time to catch up on the reading then, got a few books on the go so probably an ideal time to finish them off, though one of them is truly awful. Robin Cook, Contagion. This guy wrote Outbreak, which they made a film of with Dustin Hoffman. Quality flick and story, don't let that fool you. I pinched this 'double bill' book off my mum, it has 'Vector' and 'Contagion' in one book. His good guys are sickeningly good and his baddies so despicable as to be unbeleivable. It's like everyone in his books isn't an actual character more a caricature.

Character flaw number 694: Once I've started reading a book, I have to finish it, even if it means reading a couple of others alongside in order to give myself an entertainment break.

I got an Xbox so I could potter around on that for a bit but will probably spend most of my time reading and pissing around with my PC, trying to persuade it to not be so Uberly slow. Anyway, that's my plan for the weekend, thrilling eh?



*Can you be Hapful? I was going to ask what a hap is, but apparently it is actually a word, go on - look it up! The first question is retrospective, because no you can't be hapful. It does beg the question why not? though.

Comments

One of my colleagues asked me to set my blog so anyone could post comments. This is mainly because he is a lazy-arse sack and can't be arsed registering. Being the cheery and benevolent soul that I am, I changed my settings to allow anyone to post. Within 10 minutes I got a spam comment, now it could be coincidence but I'm not going to chance it so sorry people. You are going to have to do 2 minutes work before posting comments as I've reset the 'must be registered' flag, sorry.

Although judging by the level of comments, I'm thinking I need more enthusiastic friends........ :-P

Up top 40 times faster than standard internet.......bah!

This sucks man! A week now since I ordered and still no Internet. I was fine before I ordered but I'm very much a 'gimme it now!' person once I've placed an order for something! BT are testing the line apparently, and this appears to require a week to do. What's the problem guy?! Look out your window, say 'yup, there it is!', flip the big red broadband switch and presto! Matt can get on with inflicting irreparable damage to his social life by spending every waking moment pissing about online gaming.

OK, every weekday moment. Boys gotta drink.

So every day I get home to check if my goodies have arrived and every day is another disappointment, life is harsh it really is! lol!

On to more serious things that have been bothering me.

[rant]
The world is going to shit. America has been hit by a big ass storm, thousands are dispossessed, people are dead or dying and how do some people react? By shooting at rescue choppers, extorting their fellow sufferers and commiting horrific acts on people inside the one 'safe' place in Louisianna. I don't get it, this is civilisation right? We're told that we in the West are the great and the good. So why is that the second some hardship is encountered these pituary retards with no more right to live on this green Earth than a fucking cockroach immediately turn on each other? I know it's a minority and for the most part the people of Louisianna are coping as best they can but it gets to me anyway.
[/rant]

Be thankful, that was just the summary. You have no idea the vitriol I am capable of when it comes to things like this, don't even get me started on the slave traders during the Tsunami thing.

Cheerier thoughts, soon I will have the internet and will no longer be cut off from my friends in Hull and back home and I'm off out tomorrow night for Robs birthday, where I'll probably get drunk and try to get every single girl I see to go out with him until he turns a suitable shade of purple.

What can I say? I'm a generous and helpful soul.