The Alchemy of Confectionary Part II

Last year I made a plea to Cadbury. It was a plea to stop their madness. Sadly they didn't listen, and we are all paying the price. They thought they could play God, they thought that the natural order of things did not apply to them. They thought that by transmuting Egg into Bar they would conquer the confectionary world.

The Fools.

I warned them in strong terms of the dangers of playing with forces beyond their understanding but still they continued to sell the blasphemous bar. Not one, but two women succumb to John Prescott's charms, yet still they continue. Tony Blair is made Peace Envoy to the middle east and still they continue. Floods beset our lands and still they toy with the forces of nature.

Someone needs to take a stand against this filth, against this violation of all that is good and pure in this world. But no one person can do this alone - we must each find out who the sick, sick, perverted freaks are who buy these diseased chocolate bars and stop them. By any means necessary.

Tony Burrows - Prolific 60s/70s Popster or Devious Murderer?

I personally contend the latter. The man even brags about his wicked deeds, one only has to analyse the lyrics to popular love ballad "Love Grows(where my Rosemary goes) to see the truth behind this sick and brilliant killer.

"She ain't got no money, Her clothes are kinda funny, Her hair is kinda wild and free" - Tony cruelly mocks a poor girl who has clearly fallen on hard times who perhaps can't afford the latest fashions or the price of a good hairdresser.

The second verse is as follows:

"She talks kinda lazy, And people say she she's crazy, And her life's a mystery - Clearly Tony has started some vicious rumours about her being mentally ill, and that perhaps her behaviour is inexplicable by normal standards.....but for what reason?.....

Sadly, the reasons become all too clear in the sinister and devilish chorus:

"Love grows.." -Love here clearly means a woman's love - Tony has woven a tale in which the poor subject falls for a charming facade. We all know from our knowledge of floristry that a woman's love is denoted by pink carnations. Clearly he is growing Pink Carnations....but where?...

"...where my Rosemary goes - Here the song takes a sinister turn, Tony has quite obviously murdered Rosemary in cold blood. 'Goes' in this sense doesn't mean where someone happens to go to, but rather in the 'it belongs here' sense. 'The salt goes in the cupboard', 'The milk goes in the fridge', 'Rosemary goes under ground, in the allotments'. He's murdered the poor woman, after publicly destroying her character and in a final cruel joke has planted pink carnations over her resting place

and finally the chorus finishes with this chilling line:

"...and nobody knows like me..." - Without evidence of a person, body, murder, motive or even any crime at all the Police are powerless to act against this madman

The Face of Evil....

After destroying Rosemary's character in public, her disappearance would not of raised any suspicion as she was 'crazy' and a 'mystery' - a perfect crime. One day we can hope to bring Tony Burrows to justice, but that day doesn't look like it will happen soon.

Celebrity Child Names - White goes too far

In a move that has stunned parents and parents-to-be across the globe, White Stripes front man Jack White revealed the name of his first born baby.

From our own correspondent:

"Henry Lee" - the name hangs like a convicted 15th century turnip thief in the stunned silence of the press conference. A silence broken only by the unrestrained retching of the normally Iron-Stomached Hello! reporter, and quiet but open weeping from the OK! contingent.

White, wisely, kept the conference brief - one can only imagine that this was to prevent a potential lynching by the outraged parents present. Soon reactions from responsible parents across the globe start to flood in.

First in the door was mother of 3 Katie "Jordan" Price, mother of Princess Tiáamii. "I think it's a disgrace! How is that child supposed to live with a name like that? I don't know how things are in America, but here we expect our celebrities to behave a certain way. How are chavs supposed to pick names for their children with that kind of example?!". Her sentiments were echoed by Bob "Jesus" Geldof in much stronger terms. Sir Bob, father of Fifi Trixabelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie (also legal guardian of Heavenly Hiraani Tigerlily) demanded "immediate action from the American Child Protection thingy! Or whatever it's called....". When pressed on what kind of action, he was heard to mumble something about not liking Mondays and the need to press his linen suit with enormous rolled up wads of cash whilst preaching about curing poverty.

Last in the first line of Brits to criticise White's choice of baby name was floppy haired, eighties, Duran Duran front man and New Romantic - Simon LeBon. "The man simply has no excuse for picking a name like that. Take me for instance, I have 3 children, and I have no objection to Jack following my fine example. All you need is a Dulux Colour chart and you have infinite baby names! My three are Amber Rose Tamara, Saffron Sahara and Tallulah Pine and I only used their Spring range!"

Then it was the turn of the Americans. From the Vegas show hacks like Penn Jilette (father of Moxie CrimeFighter) calling for White's blood, though that was mainly for his stage show with along Sooty impersonator and partner - Teller. Later in the day Cher, mother of the ironically named Chastity, was heard to demand a return to "traditional Hollywood values". Even going so far as to suggest legislation regulating against "naming one's offspring based on anything other than a whim or flight of fancy".

Actress Shannyn Sossamon (mother of Audio Science) said that 'We should all follow the forward thinking antipodeans in their naming culture, where only backward bureaucrats prevent perfectly normal and legitimate naming practices'.

New Zealand couple the Wheatons have been forced to name their child Superman (Nicholas Cage - father of Ka-lel, approves) purely because of the stone age government not allowing them to call the poor child 4Real. "We're hoping he won't get bullied at school to be honest. After 4Real was rejected we really had to think on our feet" says Pat Wheaton. "Yeah, we think he'll be right though - we reckon there is someone called Keith starting the same year as him so little Superman should avoid any being picked on stuff". Asked about Jack's choice of baby name, they responded with now all too familiar vomit and horror. "That's awful! What's he trying to do to that poor child?" exclaimed a now inconsolable Sheena.

From this harrowing experience, I can report that there has been an unbelievable coming together of parents across the world. They are all uniformly appalled by the selfish; self aggrandising, sickening and virtually criminal disregard for potential damage such stupid a naming convention may cause to a child. There is a fund that you can all contribute to that may persuade Jack to rename that poor boy.

The front runner right now is Fustian Charade.

Optimus More Awesomerus

Bored of your standard PC Tower? Of course you are, we all want one of these puppies:

Surrey encourages Global Warming

Seriously, like this county could become any more intrinsically Evil. I bet if we dig hard enough we'll discover that Celine Dion has roots here...."This is for the Children". Really, cos it looks to us like it's for the huge sacks of cash you screeching harpy.

Anyway, Surrey and it's quest for Palm trees in Horsham. To lay it entirely at the feet of Surrey may seem a little extreme to you, but first you need to see Surrey in the same way as that Island in Lost* in that it has it's own character and personality. Stop seeing it as a place where people live and more like a big, greasy, introverted money and hope vaccuum and you'll get a good starting point.

So if I want to travel anywhere I have to take the train or some other public transport. Something I was doing for years before I moved down here, coping without a car very well thankyouverymuch! And nothing has really changed in terms of the coping and need. What has changed is the pain, hassle and expense of going anywhere that isn't here. If you go by train, the fares seem to suggest that they are going to take you to your destination on a gilded, supersonic hover-train. This is not the case. Not at all. Think Dutch Veal calves.

The National Express can be really good if you get one of their cheap fares and manage to locate a direct service that has a short journey time (for short, read 'under a week'). While you're looking, can you also pick me up some chicken teeth and rocking horse poo?

So, you may have guessed I have been off on my travels. I went to Plymouth to visit Laura for a weekend of booze, junk food and Transformers. It was very more awesomer and a good time was had by all. Well, by me. I'm sure you'll agree that's the only bit that matters. We had drinks, we mooched around Plymouth and went to see Hollywood amazingly NOT shatter one of my childhood memories. Was great to see Laura again, and meet her 'Vince from The Boosh'-esque blokey and consume soem ropey take aways. the only flaw was that it all in all it was a total journey time of 15.5 hours to travel 400 miles.

All of this started kicking my gadget senses trying to persuade me to buy a car again. Which is frustrating because I am all in favour of public transport but there isn't enough of it outside London, it's too expensive and the entire system appears to be run by blind monkeys with no hands. No, that's wrong. Blind Monkeys with no hands that instead of bananas and stuff, can only subsist on a constant supply of the public's money that has to be fed to them by Celine Dion tribute acts.

Maybe it's not all Surrey's fault that it's difficult and expensive to go everywhere. Maybe just because everything else is dificult and expensive here I don't have to lay the blame of Public transport and my ultimate move towards automotiveness firmly at it's feet? Nah....sod it! Global Warming starts and ends with Surrey. "Burn the Big 'ouse! Are ya with me laaaaads?!"

Tomorrow - How the Daily Mail started the inquisition.......

*I gave up on Lost half way through season 2 after it disappeared up it's own arse and my urge to kill Jack, Kate and Sawyer could no longer be contained. As ever, a lack of actual knowledge will not prevent me from commenting.

FOX Vs the Beeb

BBCi main story - China makes a kind of dolphin extinct.

FOX main story - Barry Bonds breaks all time home run record.

Both internationally important and ground breaking stories I'm sure you'll agree ;)

FOX News Rocks!

It's true, I love FOX News. I love it for so many reasons. I don't know if they still do it but you used to be able to get some FOX News stuff over here late at night, certainly the Beeb used to do a thing where they would show ABC for an hour at some point in the early hours.

FOX News is unique though. It's like a cross between a brainless red neck and a Daily Mail reader. Like some kind of unholy union between the worst qualities of each to produce some bile spewing, ill-informed, white supremecist TV channel. A great thing about it though is the fact that all you need is the tiniest element of free will and the ability to read and you are immediately better informed than every single person involved with the channel, and it becomes a comedy channel.

Unfortunately I am in the UK so am not blessed with the benefit of listening to Republican rent boys Bill O'Reilly or Geraldo Riviera. On the plus side they have an awesome website which is an absolute mine of comedy gems. Today I popped across to see if they had reported on the guy who built a '65 Mustang out of empty Budweiser Cans.

I dutifully clicked on World News and then I was about to click on Europe when I noticed something. Here is the menu list you are presented with once you click 'World News':

World HOME
War on Terror

Col. Corner: David Hunt

Col. Corner: Ollie North

Iran

Iraq

.....
other countries/regions in big list
.....

Europe

Princess Diana

Natural Disasters

.
.
.

Princess Diana, apparently, is now a geographic region and/or current world event. Either that or....... Mrs Redneck may have cheated on Mr Daily Mail? FOX News could be involved with a paternity test, but who with?! Well there is only one publication which lives and breathes Diana, a paper that has managed to shoe-horn the name of a long dead woman of priviledge into every single headline and supplement since 1997. That's right! Is FOX News really the Bastard love child of the Daily Express?! All we need is for Geraldo to pick up his old job as a Jerry Springer wannabe and we got ourselves a show!...

Brainiac

It's the Challenge Cup final at Wembley on the 25th August, Saint Helens play Bradford today in the semi final and we have a pretty fair chance of beating them because the Saints rock and Bradford are evil. I have it on good authority that they eat babies - it's true. They aren't as Satanic and wicked as Leeds and nowhere near as underhand and Anti-Christ like as Wigan, but they are still evil.

The problem I have, as always, is that I'm a moron. I have booked tickets to get home that weekend so even if we beat The Bulls I won't be at the final. Last year it was at Twickenham, an armpit of a stadium that they should pay people to populate not the other way around - so I could stand missing a Challenge Cup final there. This is Wembley but I'll be at home - sucks to be me.

More wedding Shenanigans, PokéFaustus, uppance.

Since the predicted clamber of excitement asking for more details of my thrilling adventures I am going to talk first about Nick Brooks, friend and colleague. Hmmm, that sort of sounds like the opening to an obituary.....

I'll start again. Nick is going to marry Cara. This was already a very cool thing, not least because they are doing it at Niagra Falls no less! Also, for reasons best know to himself, Nick asked me to be best man. This is very cool, though I have yet to tell him that I've never successfully been best at anything, even if all that's basically being asked is that I am the best at following my biological fate. I am hoping there is no bear wrestling or running involved.

I'm not entirely sure what it is I am supposed to do beyond getting him drunk, securing a traffic cone and writing a speech that will result in me being banned from all future such engagements. Anyway, the upshot is that in February it looks like I am Canada bound. As such I have decided to kill a flock of birds with a single matrimonial pebble. First I am obviously going to go to Canada, where I plan to spend upwards of a week having a brief mooch around. Then down to the US, stopping in to visit the Maja and some other places along the way. After that I want to fly to Houston to visit an old University friend who lives out there, working for Pi Studios. Then maybe a couple days in Dallas (TBC).

In total, I hope to be in North America for about 3 weeks - hopefully the trip will span over pay day lol!

In other news I noticed Final Fantasy 3 was available for the DS so all the abuse I took for ordering Pokémon was for naught as there was another very good game I could get instead. However, it appears that pre-ordering with GAME is akin to signing your name in blood on a contract made of human skin that is being held by a suspiciously sinister individual with a sanguine complexion and a penchant for throwing his head back and laughing like a Bond Villain. Basically I couldn't cancel, my soul it appears belongs to the Pokémon. Serves me right too, my uppance has clearly come.

PS

Any Best Man advice would be appreciated, most people have the good sense not to invite me to weddings so I really have no idea.........Nick - you weren't meant to read that bit.....

The news in brief......

It's been a while I know! I am going to give a mini-update and let you tell me which you would like to hear about properly first! (If any).

OK so first off - went to La Marché in Italy and had the best most relaxing time with some very more awesomer friends, Emi and Hannah. We were staying with Emi's dad who is a Chiropractor in Communanza. We were right up in the middle of nowhere and no one spoke English which was quite refreshing. I have nothing bad to say except that, on the whole, Italian bread is crap. Now bearing in mind that I spent best part of 5 days there, and the only negative I can think of is the bread, we can conclude I thoroughly enjoyed the holiday and the company I was in. I was, obviously, a source of some wonder and amusement as my skin tone, on the Dulux Colour Chart is 'Frightened Milk'. So, I have some pics on facebook but if you want to hear more about this before anything else vote now! (Including the harrowing tale of how I nearly lost a leg when I received a mortal wound whilst swimming).

OK then I came back to work, I've decided to temporarily put my moving plans on hold - I think I was getting a bit ahead of myself - another 6-12 months here will be good for my career in general and the houses aren't going anywhere in that time.

Big news is that I have ordered the new Pokémon game for my DS, which Hannah ranted and raved at me about - and once she explained it to me she was right to do so. I remember Pedr and me taking the piss quite a lot when it was around as a 'phenomenon', but I had no idea quite how massive and childlike it was really. All I know is that the console games tend to be excellent, so I am willing to buy one. However, that argument falls down when you find out they are sending me a free stylus with a little Pokémon on the top of it. That's right; no one is cooler than me. Hannah was mortified when she found out that her favourite band Mcfly (which is waaaay cooler than Pokémon apparently) will be launching the game. [Edit] I should really highlight this a little more strongly. I am 30 yeasr old and I am buying a Pokémon game. Even my low reserves of shame are struggling to deal with this fact. I am still, however, buying it. If rob can't use this as insult ammo, there is no hope for that boy.[/Edit]

Went to lunch on Sunday with April for a chat and a catch-up. We went to J Sheekey, which apparently is very famous. We intended to stick to the set weekend lunch menu, but we got a bit carried away. If you ant a foody post, let me know and I'll do that first!


Then I went for drinks with Keiron and Natalie who have just moved to Bow - Kieron for the first time living further than 1 mile from the University of Hull, Nat moving from Hertfordshire. Once done there, went off for drinks with Rob and his Hannah (tiny tiny Hannah), then home with a very spinny head!

OK, that's the synopsis of my July, I'm sure I missed stuff out but I'm back now! muahahhahah!

Specifically for Julie Gong

Here is why you need to upgrade to an XBox 360 Julie. It's the only way to be more awesomer.



All you losers with real lives couldn't possibly understand. hehe!

More gallivanting

Off to Italy for 5 days or so tomorrow, up in the mountains of Marché apparently. Looking forwrd to doing absolutely nothing for a few days!

Photos to follow.

Tagged

Well sort of, Olivia didn't play favourites, or she couldn't be bothered thinking of names lol! Anyway.

Tagged

‘The rules are simple. There are 9 questions (3², each of which has 3 answers, to give a total of 27, or 3³. The whole point is that the questions are somewhere between eclectic, banal and downright bizarre, so that you can answer completely truthfully without actually giving much away. Just put down the first three answers that come to mind if you can’t work out the “most appropriate” three.’

Objects Within One Metre Of You

1. My work PCs (yes I have a few, the more you have the more important you are - that's the rule!)

2. Mobile Phone

3. Zune

First Names of People You Sat Next To At School

1. Simon

2. David

3. Phil


TV Programmes You Won’t Watch

1. Big Brother (and all Big Brother Related shows)

2. "Talent" contests

3. Anything with the word 'Celebrity' in the title


Favourite Trivial Pursuit Categories

1. Art & Literature

2. Science and Nature

3. History


Superpowers You’d Like To Have

1. Telkinesis (don't need flight if you have this! - you clearly have not spent the inordinate amount time thinking about this stuff as I have 'Liv! lol)

2. Regeneration

3. Not Getting Fat


Newspapers, Magazines or Periodicals Read Regularly

1. I tend to randomly select a bile rag when I can be bothered to give them my time, just to recharge the Rant Cells.


Songs You Dislike (...oh so many....)

1. Anything by Lilly Allen, especially after what she did to Oh My God.

2. That 'Acceptable In the 80s' song - Calvin Harris is one of the people we should be reserving for conversion into BioFuel.

3. Brimful fo Asha.


Blog Posts of Your Own That You’d Recommend.

1. I'd really give it a miss if I were you

2. Seriously, that's not the name of a good post

3. There really ism nothing to see here.

People you'd like to tag.

1. anyone

2. who wants

3. to join in

Powers of the Throne

Considering the USA is a Republic, their President's powers do seem to bear an awfully strong resemblence to those of our monarchs a couple of hundred years ago. With Dick 'Is it an old man or is it a game bird' Cheney merrily removing the process of Checks and Balances by declaring himself the 4th Branch of Government, the Patriot Act wiping out various pesky sections of the constitution that prove problematic in the War on Free..errrr..Terror.

All I'm saying is, if your president starts walking round in an Ermine trimmed Cloak and a Gold 'n' Diamond hat, start getting worried. That's of course if you don't become a Theocracy under the religious right first.

On the other hand Prudence appears to be improving our slapdash, informal constitution (think of it like the halfway point of a student project, cobbled together research based ont eh original Magna Carta but nothing properly written down yet) by removing powers from the Prime Minister. Now brace yourself, this may come as a shock. I think this is awesome - that's right! I said something good about our governement! The rumour according to the Beeb is that our new PM is going to eliminate his power to declare war without the approval of parliament. Cool eh?

I hope the next US Pres reverses some of the awful damage Dubyah has done. He's pissed on the constitution, destroyed any reputation at all the US had in the International community, wrecked the US economy, treated veterans like dogs and any number of other things. They need someone who actually has the ability to read the job description and who has the spine not to surround himself with sycophants and cronies. I think the people really need to look at this tactic of ALWAYS re-electiing incumbants - whether it be to congress, senate or the Whitehouse - it clearly isn't the most genius of ideas!

Can't go long without a rant...

This story both annoys and amuses me.

Basically they are saying their human rights are infringed because they broke the law. It's your car, if it's not stolen and it is caught speeding you are liable for it unless of course someone else named by you or who comes forward, admits to and can prove they were driving the car. At least that is my understanding.

This man Francis says something like 'I will continue to fight for our freedoms'. Well how about fighting for the hundreds of children who are killed each year because arseholes like you think it's their right to break the speed limit? I got caught speeding and I probably got a harsher penalty than I deserved, first offence and all that but I am not about to whinge that the law preventing me from increasing the risk of harm to others is against my civil liberties!

The easiest way not to get caught by speed cameras is not to speed. The one thing I dread becoming when I get a car again is one of these drivers who thinks the world is out to get him. If I ever start whining about car charges, let me know!

Stronger, faster, better.......

Well it's a couple months on and Sam the Welsh pygmy has had more scans. I only include one on this post because I don't want you all fawning over your screens, which would happen if I included the whole set.

LOOKIT!



As you can see, the baby is already a superior being to any of you great unwashed. You can tell, just look at the poise with which el bambino holds in the amniotic fluid. The superior cranial capacity, the powerful limbs, the keen intellect and power shines through! Master/Mistress of all he/she surveys!

Some of you may think I am not being objective, but that's only because your baby isn't as good as Sam & Niall's.

Stag Weekend Tomfoolery

I'm off to the West Country in an hour or so with Rob and 18 other people to engage in RoboMatt's stag weekend. It all looks good fun.

We are staying here:

Looks like it's beers this evening. Tomorrow we are having Sumo Wrestling and Archery in the grounds followed by paintball in the afternoon. I suspect the teams will be 19 enthusiastic 'friends' Vs RoboMatt.

Then it's off to the bustling metropolis of Tiverton town for beer induced shenannigans! Sunday is a round of golf, lunch and home.

All very civilised but I'm sure we'll get a traffic cone from somewhere - Photos to follow.

Out of the Wilderness.......

I am for the first time in 2 years giving serious consideration to moving job. Despite many things that infuriate me, I really quite like working for my current company. Like any large concern there are politics and various other gripes but as a company they aren't horrible to work for. I'm grown up enough to know that wherever I work these problems or similar ones will rear their ugly heads. My main reasoning is about where I live, I'm getting increasingly frustrated at not being able to buy anywhere because I happen to live in Surrey.

My flatmate is moving in to his own place and I will be renting off him - the rent will be similar to what I could be paying on a mortgage in pretty much any other area of the country except for London. So bitching and whining about my company/staff manager aside I am just looking at my overall goals and one of those is to get my own place. I've seen similar jobs to mine for the same or more money in cheaper areas like Ipswich or Harrogate where I can buy houses for less than small studio flats where I currently live.

So watch this space, I may actually start sending my CV out shortly and changes may be afoot. Though I am aware that I tend to get itchy feet after about 2 years in one place so need to think about it a bit more carefully.......

On a lighter note....

Lots of people I know went to Glastonbury this year and for the first time ever I was actually jealous. I mean, The Who were playing - come on!

Jealousy aside, I now own a tent. I have also never gone to a multi-day festival. I've now decided that I am definitely going to a summer festival next year. This is takign a worrying turn though, as originally I was planning only the Download festival (bit more rock oriented you see?). But now my brain is telling me that there is no reason why I can't do Glastonbury AND Download.

I find myself hoping that Glastonbury has one of it's years where it has a line up that I am only half interested in, though I suspect that this will not be the case!

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!

That's right Tony Blair is gone! He's finally stopped talking about it and slung his hook! After weeks of travelling around the world shaking hands with people who don't hate him (hence not travelling around Britain) he is handing in his resignation as a Prime Minister. This is a good career move for Tony, instead of implementing American foreign policy in the middle east whilst ignoring domestic issues, he can just concentrate on doing what he is told by the Whitehouse.

This will be a great weight from his shoulders!

In all seriousness, I despise the man so much because I voted for hime twice - once because I believed in much of what he stood for and the second time because he was the lesser of two evils. In my opinion Tony Blair is the biggest cause for political apathy this country has ever had. He gave so many new hope. After years of Tory mismanagement of public services, illegal arms trades, funding genocidal maniacs and accounting that would make ENRON blush people were genuinely excited at the opportunity to welcome a new premier. Instead he discarded his principles and let us all down. Who can be arsed to vote when you have it thrown back in your face like that?

I know it sounds like I am saying everything he did was crap but I do know that he's done some really good things, but unfortunately that doesn't cut it when put in the balance. He is responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent people in East Timor and other countries across the world after reneging on a pre-election commitment not to sell Harriers, Saracens and Saladins to ropey regimes (a cushy deal instituted by the Tories). He's failed to keep Britain's commitments to the Tsunami fund. I could go on, but basically there is too much easily avoided death and failure on his hands for me to praise the good he has done. Sadly, everything that the Tories of the late 80s and early 90s were guilty of, he continued. As time went on he lost his backbone, he traded reform for celebrity and a retirement fund.

I can't bring myself not to vote, so I've been voting liberal democrat. They believe in proportional representaion as their key tennet, and taxing the well off more than poor people. This is awesome to me, the only way we will see real change is if there is a hung parliament and the Lib Dems are invited to form a coalition - the only way they would agree to that is if their partners agreed to electoral reform (you know, so we have a democracy instead of the farce we currently have). Well, that was the case until Menezies Campbell took over the Lib Dems and stated that any coalition would no longer hinge on that one policy of proportional representation. Thanks Menezies - who do I vote for now?

OK, that's my politics for the month - sorry had to be done! ;)