The Balance

Having ranted and railed for the last few posts, I feel it's time to restore balance by talking about some things that don't annoy me. It's not as short a list as you might imagine.

1)

I really don't think I need to elaborate - look at how cool he is.

2)Curry - I like hot currys, but that's not to say they shouldn't be tasty. It's gotten to the point where I rarely order take out Indian food now because I order hot food, and I am guessing that because they generally cater for the moron 'how hot can I go?' market, they don't waste their time balancing flavour. As such I prefer making curry, though which one depends on who I am eating with. Curry is the don, but moderately intensive in required ingrediants, preparation and sometimes cooking time. Which leads me neatly on to...

3) Chili - Now this isn't the traditional thing I don't think. We've discussed before the use of chuck meat and non-beef based chilis in Texas and the like. I am happy to concede that what they do is the 'proper' thing and what I do is unlikely to approach what a chili is supposed to look like. However. All I need is a large onion, some kind of chili content (jarred and mashed, dried, fresh - whatever is to hand), some chili powder (I am using crap at the moment but rajah is my preferred), some cumin, some kind of beef stock or even marmite will do a good job, some tomato puree and some tinned tomatoes. Oh, and the minced beef. And kidney beans.

Now everything on that list is pretty much a stock item in my kitchen, all that needs to happen is to chuck it all in a pan in a certain order, add some water then simmer for about 2 hours or so. This is why Chili rocks, you make a whole load of it and a blind monkey could make a passable one.

4)Computers - I love to hate you. As infuriating as they are, it's amazing the stuff that you can amuse yourself with on a computer. Some people get home and watch the TV. I am a proper geek and I'm into all this 'on demand' stuff. I don't want to schedule my life around the TV guide, I want to pick the shows I want to watch and download them after they've been aired. So I do. Games are also obviously played in various forms. The sad thing is the amount of processing power I have but I end up playing www.addictinggames.com. Who cares?

Also, I get to listen to radio 4 comedy shows without having to listen to anything else on Radio 4.

5) Pubs - I mean places you can go for drinks with a group of people and sit down and have the kind of conversations you can only have over a drink. I do not mean bars with 1 seat available or where they are so packed as to be utterly repugnant. Busy is fine, but I don't go out just to drink - though that's fun too!

6) Penguins - who doesn't like penguins?

The list does go on, these are just a few of my favourite things. People don't feature cos you know who you are and, besides, most of them can't be arsed to read my ramblings - they get enough of it in the pub ;)

Now then. I'm allowed another dozen or so whining posts right?

Cash Whore

James Cameron really will do anything for money, I mean he'll make any old shit up. I love the fact that a film director is making 'Historic Announcements' that contradict all local, expert and received knowledge.

With one wave of his soulless, manipulative hand he dismisses the fact that the names he is wiffling on about were as common in Israel back then as John and Steve are in Britain today.

Don't get me wrong, the article isn't wrong in suggesting that cynics like myself love to see holes poked in the various religions around the world and the bizarre things that they believe in, I would just prefer it was done by someone with an ounce of credibility, not some Hollywood fact Prostitute.

One of my favourite lines from this article is that Cameron says "....the discovery of the tomb does not undermine the key Christian belief that Jesus was resurrected three days after his death....". His next shocker "My study of lapland and it's environs does not undermine the fundamental belief in Santa Claus" He also says that finding a grave marked mary next to the other names is like finding 'A grave marked Ringo next to George, John and Paul'. No James, it's like finding a grave marked Mary in a Catholic grave yard. Dickhead.

It's basically more tripe piggy backing on the success of the literary loose bowel water that is the da Vinci Code. Now of course the rabid religious masses with nothing better to do with thier time will be wailing and gnashing their teeth at how this film is the work of the devil, Cameron will win more plaudits for his interpretation of what I will call, for want of a better word, facts. In fact if people sit down and look at anything he has produced post-Aliens and look at it objectively, you'll realise that it's nothing but crap dressed in tinsel. Maybe that's a bad analogy, maybe dipped in gold would be better. And with a massive marketing team to distract you from poking it too hard so that you notice it goes 'squoosh' and smells a bit funny.

Sadly he knows how to work a crowd. This 'documentary' could be presented by Barny the dinosaur postualting that Jesus was a Rastafarian bisexual stripper and it would get massive ratings...........Actually that's a show I would watch.....I digress, point is content is nothing to this man. He clearly signed his creativity over to someone else after the post-production of Aliens was done.

The worst thing about this whole thing is that the media, thanks to Cameron, is going to beable to whip up more religious fervour about another piece of non-news. Lots of people are going to think they are very important and intelligent because they will be asked for their views. Even though they believe that the Bible is the EXACT word of God. This obviously entails believing that not only can a human live to be 969 but also that one man can build a boat that was:

...... taller than a 3-story building and had a deck area the size of 36 lawn tennis courts. Its length was 300 cubits (450 feet, or 135 meters); its width was 50 cubits (75 feet, or 22.5 meters); it had three stories and its height was 30 cubits (45 feet, or 13.5 meters).

And then proceed to fit 2 or 7 (depending on the animal) of every living thing on earth on to it.

As you can imagine, it doesn't take much to wind these people up.

In the words of the Sainted Linda Smith "I'm not religious, I get on with most people".

Men at Work

I've received complaints that I am complaining about politics too much lately. Oh and I've been absent from posting due to the fact I have been working longer hours down the salt mines lately and actually doing work while I am here. Shocking I know.

Anyway, you'll notice the hair post I put up that was started last week and only got published today. And today I have something else to complain about and that is people who dig holes in roads.

Invariably they choose to do this in the middle of a one way system at rush hour. I don't drive right now but the logic infuriates me. What's brought this on? I don't sleep well, so if I doze off before 1am this is a moral victory. Being woken up at 1:45am because someone is digging a hole in the road with a Pneumatic drill is likely to put me in a bad mood you see. Problem I have is getting to sleep - once I am there it's difficult to wake me up, however once I am woken up the whole sorry cycle starts again.

I'm not sure why they were doing it, I'm sure it was some kind of emergency because men in High Visibility jackets generally don't leap into action at that time in the morning. Actually 'leaping into action' isn't their bag at all, at any time of day. What did confuse me when I emerged from my flat this morning was that there was a huge hole in the road and not a single workman. When the rest of the world was going off to do their jobs, their work here,apparently, was done.

Now I've calmed down I have to say that, thinking back on it, it's quite funny hearing a man knocking holes in a road with a Pneumatic drill whilst trying to be as quiet as possible.

Evangelimacs

This kind of article pisses me off. Even though it highlights flaws with Apples, it goes back to how terribly plagued Windows machines are with all manner of evil.

OSX has not spyware or virus problems? Let me explain why. There are only abut 17 people in the world who use Macs, so noboday can be arsed to write viruses to exploit them! Why do you think Intel now provide Mac chips and Windows is available for Macs? Magnanimous Steve Jobs? Or do you think they actually want to sell some computers?

Windows PCs are flawed, often heavily flawed. Everyone admits that and acknowledges it which allows for fixes to come out - The MS attitude to bug fixes and security has changed drastically over the last 5 years. Apple and its users still appear to adopt the classic 'fingers in the ears shouting "lalalalalalallaallaalla! Mine's better than yours and prettier! llalalalalalalallalalalalalalalalal"' approach to objectivity, also you once again when it comes to Apple prioducts have the Apple way of doing things or no way of doing things. They don't appear to believe in allowing users the ability to use the machiens the way they may want ot use them.

There is a proper post in progress, this is just somehting to be going one with to wind any of Jobs's lapdogs that may be reading ;).

Haircuts ruin lives.....

So you think you might be 'in need of a change' huh? You're feeling low and you think a new and radical haircut might give you the lift you need? You want to be accepted by your peers and you begin to bow to the pressure.

Just a trim right? It couldn't do any harm, everybody does it. Maybe just a little off the back, the fringe trim was such a rush you need a bigger high!

Before you know it you have a set of clippers in a hair dye stained bathroom, none of your friends talk to you because your brittle hair and flaky scalp repulses them. You find yourself spendig so much money on product that your Sebastian fix is reduced to Tesco Value hair gel.

The first step is admitting you have a problem:

Pop star Britney Spears is back in rehab, days after shaving her head........

Just remember kids, every day in Britain someone suffers as a result of an ill-advised hair choice, don't be one of them.


This photo illustrates Britney's decline into Bouffant madness, taken just 1 month ago.....

Arch-Angel Tony slandered again!

This is just hounding now! Can't you leave our sainted Leader to do his will?! He know better than us what is good and right for our nation!

He told us in 2003 that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction ready to destroy our way of life that could be launcehd within 45 minutes! He told us they were importing Uranium for evil deeds. And what do you do? You bother him with 'facts' and the 'burden of proof'. You people mak me sick!

And now once again, our saviour and his Truthsayer - Archangel Alistair Darling - are attacked for making sure our great nation is ready for the future. We weren't consulted or given options? Other energy sources weren't explored? We were given 3 clearly defined options:

1) Nuclear Power
2) Atomic Energy
3) Fission based energy.

Also, through the use of cartoon science Tony can demonstrate that we will reduce our enrgy consumption by half. How? That healthy nuclear glow we will all be giving off will remove the need for lighting entirely! Oh what? It was good enough for the Readybrek kid but not for you?

Ingrates!

My mind is crumbling

I found myself playing the 'Online Game That Shall Not Be Named' for the first time in about 6 months. This is confusing for several reasons.

Firstly I don't remember reactivating my account. Secondly I appear to have purchased an add-on for it. Thirdly, I am fairly sure I had a good reason to stop playing - I think it had something to do with a life....

I think my brain is rebelling against me and doing things behind my back, which is never a good thing......

Still busy!

But to keep you occupied I was sent this today, made me laugh!

Conspicuous Absence

Don't worry, the malignant Feline Hordes haven't nobbled me, I just been working ridiculously hard for a change!

Nick, however, has fallen to the catty menace and has suspiciously switched from buying 1 righteous and goodly puppy, to deciding on 2 furry bundles of malice.

Poor hapless fool!

More at the weekend probably, I doubt I will have anything better to do with my time for the forseeable weeks!

From Villains to Heroes

After the burning Evil of the previous post, I thought it best to show you a picture of a more Righteous and Goodly creature.



Behold their Majesty.

The face of the Enemy

A rare picture of the true face of the feline menace:

[Edit] The Evil Ones moved swiftly to remove images of themselves in their true form, the picture has been removed from the server it was stored on. No doubt the brave soul who published the picture has been silenced. I will keep looking for other true imagery, but they are wiley devils.

In the mean time you can catch up on your knowledge by watcing these doucmentaries: Evil Cat - A 400 year old Demon cat holds the world in thrall; Cat's Eye - where the cat orchestrates evil while appearing innocent for much of the time;Pet Cemetary - a tale of how a cat extends control from beyond the grave and instructs it's Zombie Slave to bring it back from the dead in order for it to continue it's reign of terror; Strays - A strong documentary about how feral cats feed upon human flesh; [/Edit]

I will endeavour to find more pictures of the evil ones, until that time watch these instructional tapes and prepare yourselves!

Tesco Lottery

I ordered groceries from Tesco last night, for delivery this evening. I deliberately didn't specify preferred replacements on items because I am interested to see what they give me. Avocados are a good bet as a replacement for any item from Toilet Duck to Stella. I'll let you know the outcome, exciting stuff eh?

Meanwhile, leave your bizarre grocery order stories here. Or not.

The Beautiful Band or - Confessions of a Metal-Head

OK so I like quite a lot of heavy metal and rock music. I was a massive Metallica fan right up to Load and they let Lars Ulric believe his opinion matters. I could even forgive them Load and Reload, but basically they've turned into cash whores. yes, I still own everything hey have produced but that's what happens when you find a band you love at 13 and they are still around when you are nearly 30. Pop people - this concept is confusing I know, just move along and look at the pretty colours.

I also like an awful lot of Indy music, I have quite a lot of different styles of music in my collection as it happens. Since about 5 or 6 years ago I have become much less elitist which means that my musical tastes haven't been restricted to the whole Metal thing. The mood doesn't always suit. I've always liked classical, even though I know little about it. Similarly with opera. Point is, I have a range of music in my collection that pretty much covers everything. Even jazz and pop - but they are token gestures.

Point I am trying to get across, is that I am no longer just a metal junky, I like what I like. And anyone who doesn't like at least one song from the Beautiful South is clearly unhinged. They split this week with typical brevity citing 'Musical Similarities' as the reason. I think they should win an award for being everyone's 3rd favourite band that they don't talk about.

The Feline plots continue....

I received this email today:

On 1/29/07, Cat Bloggers <info@cat-bloggers.com> wrote:
Dear blog author:
We recently came across your site, rantamatt.blogspot.com, while searching for bloggers who blog about Cat issues.
A small group of us have started a new site called Cat Bloggers. Our intent is to bring Cat bloggers closer together, and make a positive contribution to the Internet community.
Would you be interested in joining Cat Bloggers? Please take a few minutes to have a look at what we are trying to do, and if you are interested, there is a sign up page to get the ball rolling. We would greatly appreciate your support in this endeavour.
If you do not feel that your blog would be a good fit for Cat Bloggers, but enjoy this subject area, come visit us and one of our member bloggers. You can also check our FAQ Section to learn more about Cat Bloggers.
We look forward to hearing from you and seeing you on Cat Bloggers.

Craig Cantin,

Cat Bloggers info@cat-bloggers.com

Please note: you will receive this email no more than twice. If you do not respond to this email, we will send out a second and final email in approximately 3 weeks time. If you respond, by joining or by declining the invitation, we will not intentionally send this invite a second time.
You can join or visit Cat Bloggers at any time, but we do not believe in spam, and will not intentionally send this invite more than twice. If you have any concerns regarding our anti-spam policy, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Obviously I was moved to reply...

from: Matt Jones

to: info@cat-bloggers.com
date: Jan 29, 2007 7:31 PM
subject Re: Invitation to Join Cat Bloggers
mailed-by gmail.com

Dear Craig,

Thankyou for your email, sadly had you taken the time to read what it was I wrote about cats you wouldn't have contacted me about joining your coven for I fear that you are referring to the malignant so-called 'domestic' cat that plagues our fair planet. Unlike the more goodly 'Great' cats that aid humanity and the earth by hunting and killing the deadly Gazelles and Wildebeast that roam our wild places, the felines you support have other plans.

Indeed, I have revealed on my blog on several occasions how cat 'owners' (oh how these pitiful slaves delude themselves!) are really mindless Zombie Slaves to their cunning feline overmasters. No one can really fathom the goals of these pestilent creatures' Machiavellian schemes, suffice to say it is clear to those untainted that they are schemes of no benefit to mankind.

So tell your furry ball of mistrust that I shall not be joining you at www.cat-evil.com or whatever your site is called, for my mind must remain free from the catty plague they spread, the mind-smog they imbue to their hapless drones! But I shall be watching, this is one human that will not be enslaved to work the catnip mines of the feline oppressor!

Sincerely

Matt

jet-lag does wonderful things to the mind.

Oooo Lookie! 300 posts!

OK, I'm in Pittsburgh! Huzzah! I lost my mobile in Cincinatti, booooo!

Find out about all the exciting thrills and spills here!

More Kudos to the French

Continuing in my campaign to balance out bad publicity for the French:

Vote for me!

I was enticed to join this website after a brief email conversation with one of the organisers. He talked about honey badgers and monkeys so don't even pretend you could have resisted!

Anyway, I have the chance to win a posh new laptop if you vote for me and get all your friends to too! And if you register, you get a chance to win one just for entering.




I know, it's clearly someviral marketing but do you really care? At least this is fun instead of some crappy surreal add that you have no idea what it means! Come one, it's shiny and it has buttons. I clearly need it.

Man's journey into space....

If you listen to so-called 'Scientists', 'Experts' and 'Facts' then sadly they would have you believe there is no chance of Man colonising space. Like Scientology, however, I am not constrained by your petty conventional logic. I am blessed with vision and an intuitive understanding of this matter.

It's clear to me that we will populate other worlds, initially with waste and debris but eventually as a race of people. We'll probably keep Earth as like a holiday home. Or possibly an industrial museum - it kind of depends which way things go over the next 50 years. Actually, it'll probably be more like a realistic industrial musuem - complete with accident claims. I imagine you'll have to put a deposit down for the HazMat suit that you know some sweaty bald guy has been wearing. Mind the puddle of acid on your way in. Voluntary donations welcome.

Our target planet will be like Majorca in the 50s. A nice sleepy place, full of natural beauty and glorious views. 10 years in it will be full of lardy, lazy morons getting annoyed because one of the local restaurants has the gall to sell something other than chicken in a basket.

We'll proceed to weed out all the crap wildlife - you'll be able to tell which these are as they are the ones we'll make extinct. Stands to reason - if they were any good we'd keep them right?

Now because we'll be populating these colonies primarily with lardy, shagging, gap-toothed idiots (most of the human race at that point), we'll need some kind of creature to do our bidding and do things like build infrastructure. Creatures that know no fear, creatures that are resourceful. Creatures that, when pressed, will go straight for the balls. In short, we'll need honey badgers.

Not just honey badgers of course, but a whole breed of giant Techno Honey Badgers. And possibly Robo-Monkeys, for getting things up in the purple tops of the alien trees. Luckily our own world would have helped mutate the creatures due to the masses of toxic waste left behind, we can add the robo bits later. Ultimately of course our thralls will turn on their erstwhile overmasters and send us to work down the honey and banana mines of neighbouring planets. Those of us that foretold these events and began paving the way for the glorious new age will be rewarded of course, its till not too late people! All prophets have 3 initials, just look at Scientology!

Matt.G.Jones.

Holog

That's my new word for Holiday Log. It'll catch on just like the word Blog you wait and see!

Though the word Web hasn't been catered for, perhaps I should reconsider, I don't want to be regarded as a fool after all. WHolog. With a silent W. Or maybe a silent H.

Blhog. Now that's just silly. I mean if we put it in the order of words it would be 'Weblholidayog' and that just looks like it belongs in Jabberwocky.

Well, I'll think on it. Point is that, for reasons best known to myself, I have created another blog for my holiday stuff. The plan is to use it every time I go somewhere interesting on holiday, rather than force it on my regular reader here.

I'll probably lose interest at some point, but you can turn it into a fun game and run a book on 'What day will Matt stop blogging?'

I have it! It's snappy, and will catch on in no time! - 'A diary/photojournal of one's travels in foreign climes - updated as frequently as desire and available time allow - held in an easily accessible web-based online format for all (with internet access) to see'

The Wonderful thing about Tiggers

Is Tiggers are wonderful things