Clowning around

This story kind of misses the point somewhat I think. Some people are really scared of clowns - foolish but vaguely understandable. They are, after all, freaks and weirdos.

Some people really like clowns, these people should be watched for they are surely deviants.

Some people think clowns are funny - these people should be sterilised as they are bigger danger to the human race than global warming. Enough of these people breeding would put us back in caves trying to work out if rocks are edible.

Clowns aren't funny. they've never been funny and they never will be funny. Even when I was a kid and was taken to the circus - which I absolutely loved - the most boring and tedious part of the whole show was when the clowns came on. Oh look, your bucket isn't full of water at all, it's confetti! Well bless my soul.

I know the supporters of these tools would say 'ah but the repetition and the lack of originality is what makes it so enjoyable to watch!'. No it isn't, you're an idiot. I don't care how good the joke is - if you repeat for 300 years it stops being funny. I like repetition as much as the next guy, partly due to my ever failing memory and inability to remember whether or not I've told someone a story already (I invariably have), but there are limits.

So I applaud Birmingham council for exposing these frauds, perhaps with out the glitz and glamour of their trumpets, the audiences will see them for the rubbish painted deviants that they are!

That is all.

Time, Space & Sofas

The sofa was too big, I still have no sofa. Bah!

I've pretty much given up again now, I think 2 weekends is entirely too much time spent on this kind of crap - I pretty much have everything I need other than a sofa. Maybe now I have created a sofa habitat, one will migrate there.

In the mean time I'll use my weekend time getting worse at guitar and working. Yeah that's right - no one parties like me.

..What a difference a day makes..

... on the other hand I could successfully bid on a fairly plush looking leather sofa, rug, dining table & chairs, glass shelving unit and some other bits for under 200 squids. I have no idea what just happened, but I appear to have arranged a complete refurnishing of my front room. Since there aren't any home improvement shows at all on the TV, anywhere in the world, I may grace you all with a before and after photo set. But only if things go well ;)

Sempiternal Sofa Saga

No I don't have a sofa, I am faffing about too much. Rather than drive about looking for something appropriate I reverted to type and tried with ebay again. Evidetly I failed because, when it comes to furnishing a flat that I don't own, I am a cheap ass.

By the end of next weekend there will be something sofa shaped in my front room, even if I have to steal from a tramp down the tip.

In other news, I have a cunning alternative to the decorative pebbles. I'm going to take an existing, stupid idea and turn it into something more awesomer. Honest.

Since the sofa is causing me so much consternation I am going to buy a bunch of other stuff off ebay in preparation for the phantom couch's arrival. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Lord of all I Survey.

Which, Emperor of All the Europes aside, isn't actually all that much. Looking around the flat after Dave moved out it occured to me that I've seen homeless people with more furniture than I have. This was helped in no small part than my generous. if misguided, donation of over 50% of the furniture in the front room to Dave.

In perspectivem, this was a table and some chairs. When a table and some chairs accounts for 50% of your front room/dining area, you need to take a long hard look at the sofa vaccuum occupying the middle of your floor.

Somthing I duly did, I looked, I observed, I digested. Then I started looking up art prints on eBay.

Please, don't try. If I can't follow my own 'logical' leaps, what hope do you have?

...and Louder Still

[WARNING: FANBOY POSTING!]

In customary gloating fashion, I thought I would just brag about the fact I just secured myself a ticket to the Metallica album launch party at the 02 in a couple of weeks. They rather generously offered the tickets at a fiver each. However, in order to get into the first round of ticket sales (and thus stand any chance at all of getting one) you have to be a member of their fan club. I don't think I've been a member of a fanclub before, but then I've never had cause to watch a phoenix reborn before.

OK, a slight exaggeration, but since Bob Rock has been producing Metallica things for the more traditional fans have not gone well. I know people who refuse to listen to anything after the ....And Justice for All album. I'm a little more broad minded, but only a little. The Black album (that's the one with Enter Sandman on it), whilst really cool and an album I really like, was a break away from their roots. Load, again, was eventually proved to be a good album and actually worked the more Bluesy angle really well - just not exactly what you would call knock you off your feet amazing. ReLoad was just the filler left over from Load and the less said about that album the better. There were a few quality albums in between the next studio one, which were basically rehashing existing material but still good stuff. Then there was St.Anger. or Stanger. Or Stank-er.

The problem with a band like Metallica is that they've sold somewhere int he region of 110 million albums, they have a legion of fans like me who buy their stuff just because it says Metallica on it. They can produce any old garbage (see ReLoad & Stanger), slap a price tag on it and it will sell.

Anyway, they finally got a chap called Rick Rubin on board, who's been responsible for so many quality albums it's untrue. Like a bit of metal? He produced the Kerrang! 'Heaviest album of all time' with Reign in Blood by Slayer. Beastie Boys fan? How about the classic License to Ill? All the good Danzig albums are his. Like a bit of the Chili Peppers? Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magick is chief amongst his involvement with those boys. System of A Down, Rage Against the Machine - the list goes on. The guy knows his stuff when it comes to mainstream stuff and with the stuff at the roots of Metallica, so I have unreasonably high hopes for this latest release.

Yes I know that this post is only of interest to me. Yes I know I am acting like a frothing fanboy. If you don't like it, what the hell are you doing reading it all dumb ass?!

Olympic Diet

My Olympic diet hasn't been going well of late, I've really eaten or slept much over the last couple of weeks. Fear not though, this kind of phase always leads into a period of frantic activity, cooking and eating. I will resume eating farmyards at the weekend from September so my training schedule to become an Olympic swimming God will be back on.

I will be rigorous in my consumption of egg butties and fry-ups, I'll not let you down guys, I will be be the first Olympic Gold Winning Emperor of All the Europes.

Of course the administration of entering us as 'All of the Europes' into the next Olympics may not be complete so in the meantime, you will all be repatriated as Welsh. This isn't so much national pride as finding it really funny watching Daily Mail readers cough up their own pelvis.

Temporary Permanent Accomodation

After 3 years living in the same place I've decided to acknowledge that my time in Surrey and in this flat may not be quite as temporary as I'd first envisioned. Work as gone well and the lack of any commute appeals to my desire not to become a homicidal maniac.

Dave moves out at the weekend, he's got a part-owned flat further down the M25 and for September at least I've decided to go it alone again, mainly because of constraints on my time but partly by design. I'd prefer to live on my own permanently of course, but there is that whole 'doubling of the bills' thing to contend with - seriously cuts into my 'wasting money on crap no one needs' budget.

Anyway, I decided against the part ownership thing, the commute, the uncertainty at work at the time and the fact that I was dealing with a self important agent who was nothing more than a glorified typist (I won't say secretary, they actually do something of value) al put me off the idea. So I bought a car.

Don't try to follow the logic, you'll just get dizzy.

Anyway. After 3 years I've decided it might be worth putting some actual real furniture in my flat to make it look more like a place where someone lives, rather than a place someone dumps stuff and sleeps. I'm reliably informed that there is a difference.

With this new found desire to make at least one room habitable comes a minefield of accessorising. Did you know that you can go to a shop and buy decorative pebbles? That's right, decorative pebbles. Presumably from the famed pebble mines of New Guinea. The pebbles (decorative, not the unsightly ones) need to go on things with shelves and surfaces, all of which needs to match or be made to match or 'go' with other things. Pebbles, apparently, belong in a bowl on a shelf taking up space that could easily be used for DVDs, CDs, books or lost coins/picks/keys/biscuits.

The shelf (which matches the rest of the stuff) whose purpose is to support the aforementioned pebbles (decorative) should perhaps be facing a large mirror on the wall. A large mirror creates the illusion of space and creates light and, when facing pebble supporting shelves, the added illusion that you are wealthy enough to own multiple bowls of pebbles.

I even intend to buy cushions. Don't worry, I am going to get big fat cushions - mainly because whatever sofa I get will be very cheap and used or very free and used, so likely will need some comfort enhancers. They will be big, they will be fat and they will have a purpose. Not those scatter cushion things that seem to decorate people’s homes. Let me tell why they are called scatter cushions - it's because that is what happens to them the moment anyone actually wants to sit down comfortably.

When it comes to walls, I've mentioned a mirror. Probably some canvas prints. Maybe some wall hangings. Maybe a combination of all of the above. If I put an X-Men poster in a frame, is it now art?

Landmark posting

That's right! I've reached that landmark 507th post that all serious bloggers strive for!

Less knowledgable people than you discerning readers might suggest that I really should be marking the 500th post. A cynic might suggest that I didn't notice that I had passed this landmark and this is a shameless attempt to divert attention from that fact.

We all know that such people are morons and aren't to be trusted.

Who are you going to believe? Some cynical, myopic pedant or The Emperor of All the Europes?!

An end of an Era....

I've decided to try to take something seriously - it's a shock I know, and in order to do this I've decided that to fund my new obsession I should sell some of my crap instead of just accumulating more. This is a leap of logic most people make on a daily basis, but most people are weirdos and don't understand the awesomeness of stuff!

Anyway. As one thing comes in from eBay so do some of my favourite toys go...

First to go is my Nintendo DS, chief amongst my 'Bestest gadgets of more awesomeness ever' gadgets, this is truly a sad day. Now I have a car I use the train far less, thus I use the Nintendo far less. It is an amazing toy and I hope it and the stupid collection of games goes to a new home.

Almost as difficult to lose is my XBox 360, while it's true it really isn't costing me anything as my collection of games has dwindled with each successive trade, I am also not really playing it. I pretty much just use it as a media centre to play my 'Evaluation' copy TV shows on the big screen. I am gonna bring my old PC out of retirement for that I think, I'll do something media-centrey with it perhaps - alternatively I'll sell that too and replace it with a PVR.

I'm also considering, after 3 years that perhaps my situation isn't quite as temporary as I'd first imagined and should probably sort my flat out with some less make-shift furniture and decoration. Dave moves out next week and am considering staying on my own, at least for the time being as I don't really have the time or inclination to sort another flatmate out yet.

I have to be careful not to go too far with this selling of stuff of course and resisting replacing those things which I am selling is gonna be tough. You'd think they would make some kind of patch for people like me!

Oh Glorious Day

In a private, understated ceremony today - held at an exclusive but secret 'Above the Petshop' location in the South East of England, Matt Jones was declared Ruler of All the Europes.

After noticing all of the ballyhoo, bru-haha and general finnagling and shenanigans going on in Europe, particularly around the Russian Federation of late, I decided it was time someone took charge of the situation.

The first step was to declare myself Ruler of All the Europes. Already I have made massive savings by avoiding unnecessary costs to my endeavour. By cunningly sidestepping a costly Military coup against my own government and a subsequent European war of domination, I have saved countless thousands of lives and Billions in costs.

I grant you I am not yet widely recognised as the wise and beneficent ruler that I evidently am, but I am going to pen an explanatory letter to Europe explaining their new position in the pecking order. So please help this transition into a new golden age of co-operation and understanding by donating taxes to my cause - until an official and automated taxation system is in place I will accept payments via PayPal.

Your Loving Overmaster,

Matt

The Electric Head

Found this today:





It's pretty funny but I am more intersted in their podcast, I am gonna check it out later and will order you to listen/not listen to it then. Obey.........OBEY!

Time for the world to get louder...

I know, it's sad but I grew up on this band, from raw rusky goodness of Kill 'em All, through the proteing filled Master of Puppets and Ride the Lightning, on to the flat but inspired ....And Justice for All, the mighty Black Album. Load and ReLoad kept me going with some small morsels of past glory and whilst the rancid Stanger nearly made me vomit up my pelvis, we did get Garage Inc. and S&M to keep us going until they made something original.

I haven't been this optimistic since waiting 6 years for Load, only to have my anticipation crushed by the final product. It's a good album, it's just not 6 years good.

Anyway, it's my blog and I'll put what I want on it so nerrr!

Who turned the Page?!

After a brief dalliance with insanity 1998 with Piff Duddly, or what ever he was called that week, Jimmy Page has finally completely lost his marbles by whoring out his genius to generic popster Leona Lewis in the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. In tribute to the ruthless efficiency of the host nation, the duo are to preside over the cruel and unusual torture and ultimate death of the classic tune 'Whole Lotta Love'.

It's understood that Jimmy is to join popular boy band Blue in a surprise reunion tour at the end of the year as 'The one that isn't as pretty as the others but can play an instrument'.

[Addendum] Olympic awesomeness

So according to the papers, following a global suspension of morals and decency, 'Team GB' is doing really well at the Olympics. I'm reliably informed that 'Team GB' is what Great Britain are called this year. I'm not sure if that applies to all of us or just those at the Olympics and if the latter, whether they get special passports or not.

Aside from from the various speed-commuting sports such as cycling and running the medal haul has been aided in no small part by the sports that are in what I like to call the 'Chinless Wonder' category. These 'sports' (and I use the term loosely) are created and designed entirely for people with titles, double barrelled names and speech impediments created by genetic flaws that are a result of a family paddling around the shallow family end of the gene pool for multiple generations. 'Sports' like pootling about in boats and horse dancing - Dressage and Yachting if you want the full titles.

I rarely get excited about the Olympics and find the fact that people are only interested in sports they've never heard of once every four years when we happen to be doing well in it. Who can forget the Curling fever that gripped the nation in the 2002 winter Olympics? It's particularly disappointing this year though because no matter how much I mock, the dedication required to become the best in the world at anything, even playing in boats or peasant baiting, is truly admirable. Unfortunately 2 facts remain:

1)The hypocrisy of the whole thing, it's truly astounding how some of these world leaders can keep a straight face when they tell you how committed to human rights they are. Maybe they should append those statements with 'Unless you have cool fireworks. Or Choreography, you can't get 16,000 people dancing in unison without a violent and despotic regime - democracy simply doesn't have that efficiency!'

2) The Olympics are REALLY fucking boring! Seriously, Iain Duncan Smith reading War & Peace boring.

Oh, and just so Jo has some consistency, please just assume that I've made some slight or insult about that American fishboy character. He's keeping up the American record breaking Olympic tradition - let's hope he doesn't keep up the other American olympic tradition of having to hand them back in a couple of years ;) -*

[Addendum]* Sarcasm aside, i do genuinely hope this, not least because I love the idea of this diet becoming the performance enhancing drug of the future. 12000 calories a day in fry-ups, the man is rapidly becoming my hero. I hear he is good at swimming too, but that's far less impressive.

Ah there it is! :D

Mental Trauma

Certain traumatic events can cause mental scarring in your life, your psyche covers up and blocks these events in an attempt to stop you going axe-happy on a trout farm*, however certain sights, sounds or smells can trigger a severe emotional response that brings the event back to mind.

I just experienced such a thing. Sitting in my office, busy doing someone elses job for them - so already in a fairly unreasonable state of mind - I have my earphones in so I can ignore my co-workers** when Kashnir by Led Zeppelin starts to play.

As soon as the opening bars kick in I am thrown back to an event: Nick and I in my flat as we record one of the few podcasts we put together. Discussing cover versions, he said these words:

"I think Puff Daddy's version of Kashmir is better that the original"

He said this with conviction - utterly serious and without a trace of sarcasm. And not in the hilarious dead-pan style of some comedians who say things utterly against God and nature in an ironic fashion. He honestly believes this to be true.

I honestly get slightly annoyed everytime I hear that song now, I am clearly disturbed!

* See Garth Marenghi for more awesome descriptive terms
**It's not that I dislike them, it's quite the opposite - the current work I am doing has put me in a dim frame of mind so want to hammer through it, I don't want to run the risk of spitting venom in the wrong direction and hitting an innocent bystander.

Go ahead, you live that stereotype.

Yeah, that's right dickhead, it's a lack of guns that causes fatal shootings.

Jo, as the only Texan I know it's your responsibility to stop these people from breeding.

Repetition is the mother of popularity

Or so radio would have us believe. I listen to BBC 6Music a lot, most mornings and pretty much relentlessly over the weekend. I really like that they seem to recruit their weekend DJs heavily from the comedy circuit. I also like that they have playlists but also 'free plays' where the DJ has free reign to play pretty much whatever they like for a number of songs during whatever show they are airing.

What I don't like - George Lamb, but then no one likes him. In fact, as far as I can tell he is universally reviled and is only listened to by Radio 1 listeners who own a digital radio and need something to listen to after Chris Moyles has finished. Being essentially 'Moyles/Mills Lite', George is the perfect choice. Seriously, tune in to 6Music after 10am and see if you can stand him and his Mockney voice for longer than 30 seconds.

George also fits into 'Don't Like' number 2: If you keep playing it, it doesn't make it any fucking better! George is a brilliant example of this; they receive a massive swarm of official complaints about him. Someone makes a website with an online petition on it begging to have him removed. None of which I engaged in for the following reason: When you do that, the marketing department don't see a talentless wanker who should be fired, along with whoever hired him. No. They see a 'controversial figure. He's not controversial, he's a talentless moron. Anyway, so then he ends up with a Sony award and he's a rising star and blahblahblah. We bring it on ourselves, I really shouldn't be so hard on George - if everyone had kept quiet and just tuned out, he would have disappeared like a fart on the breeze.

Anyway, I completely digressed here. Back to that first line 'If you keep playing it, it doesn't make it any fucking better!’ Casing point? The Verve. I truly loved Urban Hymns as an album; even the weaker tracks weren't awful. They've 'burst' back onto the scene with 'Love is Noise', a truly terrible song - not because it is so discordant or particularly badly written or even that objectionable. What it is, is instantly forgettable, so why the hell does it get so much air time?!

I know this happens all the time, but it doesn't make it any less annoying and once the first few weeks are over, it is relegated to where it belongs but seriously Richard Ashcroft already wildly overestimates his own talent and impact without having his delusions validated !

I've had a great week at work, can you tell? :D

Quarterbacks like tiny dwellings

It's true, they are always shouting about their Hut!

ha ha. I am funny.

Come on people, stick with me - it's going to get worse before it gets better - you need to ride it out like a fever or genocide.

Anyway, I just traded in a bunch of things at the local Blockbuster because the new version of Madden NFL has become available and it's time to build a new all dominating Pittsburgh Steelers franchise. Madden 08 tended to get confused after about 10 successive SuperBowls and fell over.

By 'a bunch of things', I mean old games obviously - not like vital organs or anything. I never used to get rid of old games, keeping them for 'replayability' but since I mostly lost interest in a most games (thanks to ditching my PC last year) this urge to hoard has waned somewhat and has paid for any number of new titles this year, which have subsequently been chopped in for new stuff. I wish I was that sensible with all the other crap I insist on accumulating...........

Anyway, new Madden can only mean that the new season is just around the corner and I need to start considering where I am gonna get my game fixes from!

In conclusion - LETS GO STEELERS LETS GO!*

*Seriously, I love this game but they need to sort themselves so decent chantss out.

Wine is fine..

..but whiskey's quicker.

Or so the song goes.

I've decided to make an effort to blog every day, working on the theory that if I provide enough quantity the odds would dictate that I accidentally say something funny or poignant at some point.

Anyway, whiskey. I like Irish whiskey, I am slowly working on a bottle of 12 year old Jameson's at the moment. Before that was a Bushmill's malt. It's yummy, though I am apparently a philistine because I drink it with ice. I like a few Scotch malts, but not the ones I am supposed to like. Real hardcore whiskey drinkers will bang on about Islay whiskeys, these are like drinking whiskeyfied mud and definitely an acquired taste! It is like drinking a peat fire, I don't know why this is appealing to anyone.

I think bourbon suffers from the way it is made (clean, new barrells) but maybe that's because I've only really been subjected to Jack Daniels (a product of good marketing), Jim Beam and Bulleitt. Any Americans who want to put my right about American whiskey-type products, just say so!

Incidentally I am well aware that this entry is neither witty, interesting, poignant or anything else that might make it worth reading but we have to get rid of the chaff people - before we get to the juicy wheat of literary genius!

Gary's modified Freedom delayed......

I blogged briefly about this story, a few years ago when talking Britain's 'Freedom 1.2 (beta)(TM)' and it's something I half keep my eye on, particularly this case. One thing that has become apparent is that not only this whole appeals process and taking stuff to the House of Lords is not only costly, overly time consuming and lengthy but ultimately, in cases like Gary Mckinnon - a complete waste of time.

The problem is that right now, if the US government tells the British government it wants something, then it pretty much gets it. It's like those kids you see who dominate their parents, demanding all sorts and all you are thinking as you watch is 'Just tell them to fuck off!'. Perhaps that is a bad analogy, maybe Britain is more like an abused spouse who has been broken to such a degree that they willingly and smilingly do themselves harm at the request of the abuser.

No that's a bad analogy too, they both put too much blame on the US government. Here's the correct analogy : It's like a spineless and wretched excuse for a government is allowing, no, actively inviting a foreign power to not simply influence our foreign policy but to dictate which of our citizens do and do not have rights and to what extent those rights hold sway under our own sovereign laws.

I won't go over the vomit inducing extradition treaty we signed with the US is again, but suffice to say it's a far cry from Great.

I'm not saying the US government is blameless - it's boorish, overbearing, too quick to react and a whole host of other things, but then when hasn't it been? A lot of those negatives also contribute to the positives of that country, that doesn't mean that we have to act like it's bitch!

.....Anyway I digress. Back to why all of the last 2 years was a waste of Gary's time. The appeals were always going to be rejected, partly on the basis of the extradition treaty - which doesn't require any actual evidence of wrong doing, or an indication of the victim's fate, and partly because of the spineless wretches in charge. Essentially he should have been fast-tracked the the EU court of human rights, by-passing the entire British legal system which was essentially a 2 year formality. I'm not saying that we'll get the right result - they are hit and miss at best - but it is his best chance of getting the right result.

Slow news day

Every single year this story appears in one guise or another.

Quite aside from the fact that it suggests the loss of Gertrude* as a human name is anything other than a good thing, it seems to imply some kind of crusade is in order to keep bullies in victims for years to come.

I'm sure I can't think of any reason why William, Henry, Harold, Richard or Walter were popular names in centuries past - there certainly weren't any famous Englishmen who could be considered celebrities with those names around were there? That would be insanity, it might even suggest that like most things, names move with the times. I'll grant you it isn't always for the better but all of the top 3 names this year are perfectly fine and at least if you run into anyone called Jade, Bianca or Cherice you know exactly what you're in for.

We already re-use crap from past eras - music, fashions and art - recycling the same old crap and regurgitating slight variations on a theme every 20 years or so, is there any real need to bring back pre-WWI names? If it does happen, then I insist we launch a campaign to bring back Beróun, Ceowulf, Coenwahl, Hunuald, Redwald, Sebbi, Swidhelm and Wuscfrea - at least they are mroe bloody interesting and speak a little more about where all these names came from in the first place!

Or we could just go back to simpler times when we merely referred to our offspring as 'Ug!'. Of course, this also translates into 'Go and tidy your cave' and 'that's so unFAIR! I HATE you!'.

*Cows, of course, can be called Gertrude - but NOTHING else!

Defining Phrases

This story can used to illustrate the following phrases:

'Wildly misjudging your audience'
'Tawdry attempt at making an easy buck'
'Doomed to failure'

I think it also demonstrates a wild and, until now, unheard of interpretation of this phrase:

'Cult Classic'

All I'm saying is that people tend to pick a cult then stick with it, some might say religiously. I don't think if you made Pope II, a huge amount of catholics would abandon their current idol. Even if you said 'Now with 33% extra genocide, racism and Nazi gold!'.

So, How's your love life?

I get asked this by the same couple of friends on a frighteningly regular basis. I've taken to answering this question with the statement 'I recently bought an electric guitar'. I feel that this should tell anyone everything they need to know about my relationship status and, indeed, the importance I place on it.

I've discovered that it is just another way of saying 'I am single right now and will be for the foreseeable future'. I think if you hit 30 (yes I know I'm 31!)and start buying things like guitars it's a perfectly reasonable reaction for people to look at you with a mixture of amusement and pity. It's one thing buying an electric guitar, but when you buy a Jackson Randy Rhoads, which has a.......distinctive.....shape. When I reveal this information, the looks move from amusement and pity to the more familiar one I like to call the 'Of course you bought that one, what was I thinking? You're Matt' look. This is an equally reasonable reaction. At work I can be almost pathologically practical, at home......this ethos seems to go somewhat awry...

On the plus side I have a pointy black guitar, an abundance of self-delusion and an apparently equally deluded tutor who wildly overestimates my abilities.

I thought I better blog something as it's been a while and I had 10 minutes to kill before I leave work!

Don't worry, only David Lee Roth is still allowed spandex, I'll stick to hiding in my flat and annoying the neighbours ;)

Americans say the funniest things....

I know it's clichéd to take the piss out of Americans but there is no getting around the fact (or indeed the woman, not without a map, compass, climbing equipment and a few days rations) that this woman was American, so there isn't a lot I can do about this.

We were at a Starbucks in Niagara, Nick and I. We just sat down to drink our beverages next to a family of Behemoths balanced precariously on the surprisingly sturdy chairs. The smallest one had evidently been elected to go order the beverages because the matriarch of the group was doing her best impression of what the Harpies in Jason and the Argonauts would sound like if they were from the deep south. The call was to attract the attention of her long suffering daughter (I assume it was her daughter, she was a smaller, younger sphere with a similar face) to make a request for her beverage:

"Don't forget to ask for mine extra hot!"

I'm sorry if this is a common thing that I am ignorant of but......what?! I mean...how?...what?! OK, my understanding is that the water comes out of the thing virtually in a vapor, that's right isn't it? Does she want to chew the beans and suck on the steam nozzle? Someone explain this to me, please. Are there an elite few coffee drinkers who scoff at us poor saps who have to deal with merely scalding beverages?

These aren't rhetorical questions, I need to know. Maybe it wasn't a family of big fat fatties but they'd been artificially inflated by the steam from there extra hot coffees? I didn't see them tethered down but they could have had particularly heavy shoes they'd had specially made?

inquiring minds need to know

Wedding bells and waterfalls

So I've been off here for sometime but I plan to blog quite a bit over the weekend and hopefully get back into the swing of things. Also giving some thought to having another crack at pushing gravybrowning back into some development action - I'm going to get a hold of wordpress over the weekend and see how I get on from there.

Anyway, I digress - I'm in Canada at the moment - Toronto to be precise but I'll get to that later. The reason I am here was Nick's wedding, I am going to post some pics on my facebook page around that when I get back to the UK - though I was best manning so I had to entrust the photographing to the bride's mum.

There aren't really enough words to describe the falls themselves - even the crappy American falls are pretty awesome but the horsehoe falls were mind numbing. We did a couple of trips on the maid of the mist which takes you right to the base of the falls and gets you quite damp, but it is well worth the little money they charge for it. I would go into greater detail but it always annoys me when people come back from trips like this and they waffle on about how amazing the sights and sounds are - they can't possibly hope to convey anything of the feeling of being there, no matter how many hundreds of photos you show me! So there will be photos on my facebook page but nobody is forcing you to look at them OK?

Everything around the falls was utter tat though. Imagine someone who has had Las Vegas described to them by a blind madman in a language they didn't understand. Then that guy goes to a mentally unstable town planner and describes the same thing using crayons and spilled pudding. That town planner then builds something vaguely resembling that picture. That is pretty much what surrounds one of the great natural wonders of the world - Neon, plastic, vile, tacky. Shit.

If you go to the falls, just go to the falls and go for like a day because unless you have a reason to be there it can be quite soul destroying.

Happily I had a reason to be there, as did Nick, Kara and all the family and friends who had traveled for the occasion so was kept pretty busy for most of the time that I was there, mainly trying to make sure Nick was in the right place at the appointed hour. He wasn't nervous or getting cold feet you understand, just.... well put it this way - I have never met anyone in my life who has such a limited understanding of the passage of time. I can only describe this in two ways - at great length or in a brief sentence - we'll go for the latter. OK, here goes. Imagine 5 minutes. Got it? OK now you just need to imagine thinking that every single thing in life takes 5 minutes and, more than that, all other measurements of time are just different ways of saying '5 minutes'. That's Nick.

OK, I thought I'd posted this a couple days ago but apparently blogger broke and I no longer have any idea what I wrote. Knowing the way I write I am not going to put myself through reading this crap so I will conclude with this, and hope it isn't in the verbal vomit above : Nick and Kara are now Mr and Mrs Brooks, the wedding, the bride, the setting and the ceremony were beautiful. Nick managed to not look like a bearded coat rack, basically it went brilliantly and I wish them all the happiness in the world. Well. Not all of it, they can't have the bit of happiness I get from cartoons or food. But they are welcome to the rest of it.

Thanks for that little nugget of wisdom.......

It took a government commissioned report to recommend that the government shouldn't really be selling our personal information to private firms.

has anyone else just had their corneas burned out by that blinding flash of the fucking obvious? I believe the next report says that embezzling public money should be frowned upon .

Cocksucking fuckwits.

Victory!

That's right! The oppressed badger population has won a reprieve from the evil feline controlled conspriacy to do away with our stripey backed friends!

Bovine TB! Pffft! Why would a badger have Bovine TB eh? And what are cows doing wandering around the woods in the middle of the night anyway? They are asking for trouble. It's like those people on the Claims Direct adverts - 'I was carrying a bucket of hot tar across an ice rink whilst playing the banjo when I slipped and fell'. Good! You're a fucking moron and the world just got lighter! Call it natural selection and move on!

In other news I am doing a big clean out tomorrow in my flat. In much the same way that there are 5 major food groups, there are 3 majpr crap groups: Crap to throw away/recycle, Crap to go to a charity shop and Crap to go on ebay. I may take pictures of mounts Tipolata, Charimonjaru and the Himebayas if they are suitably impressive.

Either that or I will play Madden '08 surrounded by rubbish - place your bets.

Errrmmmmm......

So I haven't really blogged in a while, apart from the Kid Rock thing. Mainly because I wasn't sure what to blog about, poking at the Daily Mail holds an unlimited amount of fun/frustration for me but it has to get tired for the 2 people that read this.

Then it occurred to me that most of what I write will be tired and so I have returned! I am going to provide you with some brief highlights of recent months and then maybe get back into the flow of things over the coming weeks. I know, you feel ever so lucky.

So. Beginning of June I went up to Hull to visit Kirsty for her birthday, catching up with Hannah and Emi (first time the 3 of us have seen eachother together for over a year and probably 2 or 3 years since the 4 of us were together!). I was only really there Friday night and Staurday, then I drove to Wales in time for Sunday dinner at mum's place (woohoo!).

The next few days I went up some of the local hills and woods and did some GPS treasure hunting (check out www.geocaching.com) , visited Mike for some Chili of Deathly Doom and generally got drunk and merry. Top banana.

On thursday the 12th, Rich, Rosie, my brother and I went to Donington for Download Festival and there we remained until Monday (if anyone is at all interested in this, pelase comment and I will regale you with tales of adventure and tents).

Then I went back to work, in a few weeks I go to Canada for a friends wedding - i currently have about 50% of the trip booked into hotels around Niagara, I am still deciding what to do with the remaining 4 days but I am sure i will think of something :D

OK, so that's briefly what's been happening - the devil is in the details and i may write something about some of the many dumb/ill advised/etc thingas that I have done/bought/tripped over recently if the whim takes me later.

The Rules according to Kid Cock

I was going to write a thing about my recent Download Festival experience but thought that would be very dull for everyone - just like the 200 pictures I uploaded to Facebook! Instead I am going to write a nice response article to this one about Kid Rock.

Just for a bit of context, he was supposed to play the main stage but an announcement came on saying that he ahd been taken ill and Disturned would be playing a longer set instead - as my friend so nicely put it 'There was an audible cheer'. Anyway, here are Kid Rock's real rules (you'll need to read the beeb article first):

'START WITH THE SONGS'
That's what equals success in this business - good songs and good music that connects with the people. Trying to get it through the powers that be to get to the people, that's the hard part. harder still is convincing the people you got through to that you didn't just steal the music of infinitely more talented people and palmed it off as your own, you need to some really REALLY dumb fans for that. But a well stolen song will always break down those walls.

I don't think there's any secret to putting on a great show - it all stems from good songs, which is why i am careful not to release anything I've written myself as a single and just rely on other people's riffs that I pitifully remix in the vain hope no one notices. Once you have good songs, it's all about crafting your spiel.

'ENJOY THE FRUITS OF SUCCESS'

I enjoy it and I have fun, but at the end of the day I try not to hurt anyone and really enjoy life.

Honestly, what I like to do on the road is enjoy the fruits of our success. I like to take people to dinner. I like to take my band and friends to dinner and pay for it and enjoy being around them because they're like family. I particularly getting totally fucked up beyond all human recogition and pulling out of festivals that I am suppose to be performing at.

Sometimes I like to close down the pool at the hotel we're staying at and have some fans over and everybody gets naked and goes for a swim. Essentially it's me in a pool, naked.

'STAND BY YOUR FRIENDS'

I stick by my friends and family, through thick and thin.

Even if somebody did something wrong who was close to me, I would take their side because I don't really have the courage of my own convictions.

That causes a lot of problems, but those problems are what make you stronger. You need some scars, some cuts for people to identify, especially when you're in the public eye, for people to know who you are. Or at least that's what big Frank tells me when he gets me to dress up in that special outfit....that's normal right?....I mean, that's just what you do for your good friends. And pay them, Frank says you pay your friends, and let them introduce you to German business men with 'special tatstes'.

Integrity translates into people's music, which is I think why I've been so successful because people believe the people who wrote that music and when they hear the dodgy lyrics I write over those tracks, they assocaite the music with that kind of talent and integrity, so I get kind of respect by association.

'HANG OUT WITH DECORATORS'

I'm a skilled craftsman in my trade. Successful plagiarism and theft isn't as easy as it looks!

I look in the mirror and look at other musicians and say: 'Am I as good as them, am I better?' The answer is clearly no, but successfully convincing people the answer is 'yes' - that's the key, that's the trick.

And I always surround myself with good people. My dad always told me: 'If you want to be a painter, don't hang out with a carpenter.'.

So I surrounded myself with the best painters that I could and I've tried to learn from them. When thjat failed, I just nicked all their stuff and painted over bits of their stuff and palmed it off as my own work. I like to think of it as the musical equivilent of painting by numbers, but one where some other kid has already meticulously filled in most of the pony then I come along an smudge crap all over the lines, essentially making something that was really quite good quite considerably less good.

'STEAL EVERYTHING'

I don't mind people stealing my music, that's fine. But I think they should steal everything.

You know how much money Tommy Hilfiger has? If you need a new laptop or a new iPod, you know how much money Steve Jobs and Apple have?

If you're going to steal music, steal everything - but then just pretend it's yours - that's the key here. Steal shit, and then pretend it was yours in the first place - this works for ideas, music - anything intangible.

Do I steal things? yeah I fucking do! I steal things and now I'm rich.

The March of Democracy

The problem with the British is that we have no stamina for democracy - we've had enough after 2 of the 4 weeks of a general election. In America, they really get it - 6 months of campaigning just to decide who gets to campaign in the actual campaigning period for the presedential election. And even if you win there is no guarantee that you win! I like that last part, adds an element of suspense to the proceedings. Of course, if you want to get ahead of the game all you really have to do is add up how much each party has spent on campaigning - its probably why ours are so rubbish. Hundreds of millions of dollars spent bad mouthing your opponent as baby eating, devil worshipping goat fuckers is what democracy is all about.

Of course, as with most things America isn't really as good as. Despite the big flash over the top, expensive show you really need to come to Britain for wild misrepresentations of the word 'Democracy'. It's only here where you truly appreciate the beauty of what the ancient Greeks REALLY meant to happen. Democracy should, of course, be broken down something like this:

The Party that receives about 35% of the vote should get over half of the 646 parliamentary seats.

The Party that receives 32% of the vote should receive about 200 of those seats

The Party that receives just under a quarter of the vote should get less than 10% of the seats.

This way democracy and power can be kept out of the hands of the people. This is VERY important, if people start getting the idea that their vote might count it's entirely possible that they'll realise that there is more of a choice than just the Conbour party and the Laservative party.

And we can't have that.

Big Smelly Cults

Hannah showed me this story yesterday.

I can understand the confusion really. Most major religions go for the 'Magic Man Done It' methid of explaining everything, whereas those crazy cats at the definitely not a cult Scientology corporation went for the 'Magic Aliens Done It' approach. They are subtley different, but unfortunately the lack of 'Man' in there stops Scientology from being a religion.

It does exhibit many of the traits of a cult, its cultish behaviour and the fact its members act like such cults really does them no favours. As far as cults go it could, by some, be considered to be one of the most vicious, insidious and evil cults the world has ever seen.

Another view could be that its just a pyramid scheme, but not a normal one. Pyramid schemes are aimed at desparate and stupid people. This pyramid scheme is aimed at really, properly stupid people though. They even test you at their centres using a special 'Barely Simian Retard:Bank Account Size' measuring ratio to see how appropriate you are for their special club.

On the other hand, like religions, original thought is frowned upon. Also, like other major religions, the fact that their belief system is based on 'facts' that fail even the most cursory of inspections generates a huge amount of insecurity which in turn results in massive overreactions to criticism and questioning. The huge investment that people put into these ludicrous belief systems makes them terrified of the thought that they've just been taken for a ride and they'll go to great lengths to cling to them.

So is Scientology just a big fat hairy cult populated by culty cultists exhibiting cultish behaviour in their special cult whilst insisting that it definitely isn't a cult?

Well. Yes, of course it is - any moron can see that.

London Mayor

In keeping with my ability to keep my finger on the pulse of the news, I am going to talk about something that happened last week.

For those of you that don't know, a caricature was recently elected as Mayor of London. We like to think we are pioneers in this country, but whilst Mayor of London is a powerful and influential position we were already out done by the Americans in 2000. They elected a caricature to run the entire country, and that really takes some balls. As is often the case with horseplay, they have taken the joke a little too far, rough housing often results in broken bones, nose bleeds and unstable socio-political situations in large regions of the middle-east.

But we shouldn't be too downhearted, even though Boris won't have the complete scope to wreak the same kind of havoc that George has, his is a unique position and he has the opportunity to carve a niche for himself in world history as London mayor. Boris started his build up to the office of mayor a few years ago by periodically offending regions in the UK, this is a preamble to ostracising whole countries with Prince Phillip style 'quips'. Once he's stopped those pesky foreigners coming into London, he can get rid of the working classes and bring London back tot he days of Society where it belongs.

OK, I had a whole load of other things to write but luckily for you, I have to go do some work! Bottom line is this - I really can't wait to see Boris in action, Londoners really deserve everything they get if this is what they are going to do with their vote.

Clash of the Titans

Sometimes 2 national institutions will go head to head. Sometimes leading newspapers known for journalistic integrity, researched articles and the inside scoop will try to outdo eachother so that they can increase their circulation whilst revealing truths and scandals to their eager readers.

Luckily, The Daily Express have none of these troublesome things to bother them so just went with the 'We are 10p cheaper than the Daily Mail!' approach to circulation growth. There is a lot of subtext in that statement, to the trained eye it reads as follows:

'Like racism? Like barely literate reactionary Bile? Like ill informed opinions written by sub-simian, hate filled hacks? - Get all that for 10p less than your usual source but also with news about a long dead rich woman!'

At least they're honest. They aren't claiming that they have anything worth reading in their pages anymore, merely that it is so worthless they are having to undercut one of the lowest forms of gutter press this country has to offer. I just think Richard Desmond is missing an opportunity here. It would appear that the express is going to stop trying to be seen as a respectable paper (laughable I know, but some people really see it that way!), as such Richard Desmond is probably missing a trick - as Britain's most successful pornographer he could do lucrative tie-ins with such classy titles as 'Big Ones' and 'Asian Babes'. He could no doubt swing some free advertising on his TV channels dedicated to 'the arts'.

Maybe other papers cold start to follow suit. The Daily Mail could just have an 'odds and evens' page system. On every odd numbered page they could print in massive lettering 'BRITAIN'S GOING TO HELL IN A HAND CART!' and on the even numbered pages they can serialise Mein Kampf, perhaps interspersing the pages with cartoons of swarthy skinned foreigners stealing our jobs and marrying our women.

The Sun would become just a random assortment of words last used in a Carry-On film printed on a pair of novelty fake breasts.

Of course that would mean you'd have to make The Independent out of hemp and print it with the same stuff you use for henna.

I really hope this '10p less than the Mail' works for the Express. Maybe the papers will enter into a price war that will drive them out of business. Either that or the Mail will start to be free. Actually that wouldn't work either, The Daily Mail for free is called The Metro isn't it?


Sorry, this one got away from me. I just love the fact that a National Newspaper (and I use the term loosely) is selling itself based entirely on price. It's like battery farmed news vomit.

Work/Life Balance

I've not been as bloggy as I'd like of late, things are getting interesting at work. I'm not sure where things are with the whole Commercial-in -Confidence thing but there are changes ahead for the company but more importantly for my project and even MORE importantly than that - ME!

As things stand things are looking good and work is becoming very interesting and enjoyable for me again. It does mean I've been spending an awful lot of time outside work hours at work of late - it's one of those 'the only time I can get any work done is when I am not supposed to be at work' situations. This is fine, it’s not a complaint (thought I'd try a change) because it means in the long run I am going to be making my life easier. Also, I have things to look forward to in May!

April has been something of an arid month where I have been missing the moist soup of social activity. With the exception of a work night out which ended in the usual non-fun 'can't feel my face' way, I've pretty much done very little.

May and June look far more promising - check out this ocean of rich social broth:

Next week: Emi has said she is coming down next weekend so I'm going to look for something interesting for us to do that she might like - though its a bit of a pain because she likes the outdoors and many of the outdoorsy attractions aren't open in April/May. I am hoping the weather is good so it won't matter and we can just go somewhere (did I mention I have a car now? :p) NOTE: This is the only one that doesn't say 'this IS happening' rather it says 'Emi says this is happening'. I've been here 3 years, I'll believe it when I see it! lol!

10th- Hannah comes down the week after for a long weekend - I think we are going to see Les Mis again, this time in the cheap seats with Nick, Andrew and their partners. It'll be another Matinee so may follow this up with some dinner if we can be bothered.

17th- Vicky is going to cook a few of us her much vaunted Paella - she's been going on about it for months, while I know it will be nice it's great fun insisting its nothing but Uncle Ben's with some frozen prawns and I don't know what all the fuss is about.

24th - Visiting Ric Lowe in Southampton - this has been postponed 4 times so far. Each tiem something comes up - this weekend I was supposed to visit but had double booked with a parental visit. Now that has been cancelled too because I have to go to exotic Bridgend for a meeting on Monday. Oh yeah, its all Jetsetting in my job!

31st - Pedro Ramirez, International Latin Lover, is coming to visit me all the way from the tropical paradise of North Wales. I imagine we'll drink some.

June - I bailed on Glastonbury, even though I know I'd have a great time because of the people I would have gone with and the cool stuff you can do there - the line up is pathetic. Jay-ze may very well be big in the States but he is no Glastonbury headliner. I suspect Emily Eavis is desperately trying to appear like she has her finger on the pulse of the 'yoof'. Elbow and Kings of Leon are ace though.

I am still going to try getting a ticket for Download though, that’s the weekend of the 15th June. They have a brilliant line up and an excellent stage-split. They have the 'Really should be dead by now stage' featuring KISS, Judas Priest and Motorhead. The other two stages feature The Offspring and Biffy Clyro and the Lost Prophets & Jimmy Eat World respectively. The whole experience is supposed to be brilliant at Download too, so should be a fun time - as opposed to Reading which I always here bad things about - even though they have a mind blowing line up this year.

Anyway, social broth - As I am (hopefully) going to Download, I am going to take some time off either side and travel home for some time either side of the weekend, I haven't spent more than a day or two at home since about my 2nd year at Uni and will be nice to do so. May combine that time off with some visits to other friends but the plan right now is to go home. This also means that I will be travelling to this Rocktopia with Rich, Rosie and my brother Waffle.

This lets me kill about 4 birds with one stone - seeing friends and family at home, catching up with people I barely have contact with lately over the weekend, not having to test whether Eddie is capable of driving across a field as Rich will be doing the driving and giving me some bloody time off work!

Oh yeah, and I am going to Canada in July for Nick's wedding. Busy summer!

Worse than Flash Developers?

There is only one thing more pitiful than someone who thinks that Flash is in anyway a suitable tool for building a website. That is the kind of weak-willed moron who, 6 months after lambasting a product, goes out and buys it.

This kind of hypocritical moron pales in comparison to the barely simian, magpie crossed idiot who slags off a phone, renews a contract with acompany he hates, then 6 months later decides he's had enough of the poor service and bails on the company he hates. They don't care of course, because he still has to pay that contract, and to cap it off he buys the phone he previously laid in to.

iMean really, iWould hate to be that guy. LuckiLy iWould never succumb to eviL marketing liKe that, especiAlly a few months before a new version of said phone was to be released.

i'M totaly not a fanboy. DefiNately not.






iFeel so dirty,

Feeling the flash-based Hate

You can always spot when a pure engineer has designed a User Interface to something, because he has made something that makes perfect sense to him and about 3 other people and to everyone else it is Greek. Except to Greeks, to whom it is more like an obscure Swahili dialect.

I used to think the solution to a lot of this kind of computey (it's definitely a word, don't bother looking it up! trust the internet!) thing would be to get some arty types in to sort out the design. Unfortunately this theory results in the Graphics Designer. Who makes everything. EVERYTHING in Flash!

[Breathe]

OK, so what's wrong with Flash? Makes the site look all pretty and glossy right? Yeah. Now try and find something out about what you want. Wrong page? Click the back button - oh wait! The thing you clicked took you to a page that has magically removed the back button! And anything else useful that 15 years of Web Browser design and innovation has produced!

Here's my favourite - go to a website that is made of Flash and I guarantee that 1 out of 4 times the smarmy gobshite has hidden all of the menu items inside flash images. So not only does the thing start off more painful than an exploding appendix, you have to actively hunt for the things that will take you to the places that you don't want to go to anyway! - If I buy a novel I don't expect to have to figure out how to open it in a special way and then be presented with Magic Eye version of the bloody text! Use that principle and we'll be fine OK?

Here's another thing - you know how all modern and competent web browsers support tabbed browsing? So you can right click and select 'open in new tab' - so you can perhaps open up the details of a variety of products in one window? Not in flash - no sir! It’s left click or nothing! And if that's not the page you want? Right back to the bastard beginning you go!

There is also the propensity for showing you lots of stylish angles and lighting of different things - because you know, when I am in the market for a watch, the most important thing to me is how the face looks when catching the light of a log fire that I also don't own.

Show me a picture of the thing! Show a picture of it on someone's wrist. Tell me how deep I can theoretically go before water damage ensues, despite the fact that I will panic whenever there is moisture anywhere near it! Tell me how much it is; tell me where I can order and how. Do it now and do it quickly or I'm going somewhere else.

Evidently the watch example is from today and unsurprisingly, the more expensive the brand, the more obscure and unworkable the website.

The people who order these sites have to take some responsibility here, as has been pointed out to me - customers usually order things they have no clue about despite the best advice. This is especially true in IT. People want Flash because it is pretty and looks expensive. On the other hand, the designers have to take some responsibility - just because they are forced to work in flash does not mean they have to disappear up their own arses trying to be overly clever.

If you are going to commission a website to be designed, let me let you in on a secret. No one on this earth will take you seriously if you tell the poor sap who has to make it to do so in Flash. It is filth and should be left to the purposes for which it is best suited - funny online games involving chainsaws and zombies.

Now please excuse me, I have to go have an embolism. Or possibly an aneurysm. You get the idea.

Was it really worth 10 million?

To find out what everyone already knew and had stopped caring about?

There is a lot made of 'public interest'. In cases like this I have no respect for 'public interest'. They fall in to 2 categories - 'Nutter Diana obsessive desparate to forge some tenuous link with themselves and a dead traffic accident victim' and the usual ghoulish voyeurs.

Now 10 million pounds is a lot of money, it's nearly 8 billion US dollars*. For that i would want some real revelations, a bit more bng for my buck! None of this 'Diana Was Breathing Before She Died'** crap! I want 'Dodi was Mutant Robot Fiend Bent on Stealing the World's Custard Reserves' or something!

Pay 10k for a car, you'll get a Ford. Pay 100k and you'll get a whole lot of overcompensation, probably made in Italy. If tbhis inquest were a car then the salesmen saw us coming and sold us an '83 Reliant Robin as a 'classic car'.

I'm not saying all expensive court things should result in spectacular and fantastical outcomes I just think if you are going to spend so much money on engaging in such a worthless exercise in futility as this particular endeavou,r we should get something memorable out of it. And I don't mean a broken fountain.

So, in an effort to demonstrate what can be achieved for no money, I suggest we put together our own outcome. Answers on a postcard. Or, you know..... in th comments bit


*As I am avoiding the cheap 'Americans have no sense of Irony' jokes, I have to fall back on the 'Dollars are really weak' jokes. It's not my fault, its society.

**A genuine Diana story I saw on the BBC website once

I'm British, I can't help it

We find it really funny when things go wrong for people. I laughed and laughed when the Patriots threw the Superbowl away, not least because I despise their coach.

Its not just all wanting smug, self satisfied, over confident people you want to see fall on their arse once in a while. 'Things going wrong' has positive connatations.


Look at Zimbabwe, nothing funny about that right? Horrendous human rights abuses, corruption, power mad leader. Horrible things. But you HAVE to appreiate the humour in the fact that the ruling party seem to be managing to lose a rigged election. A rigged election which THEY rigged! I mean that is a special kind of incompetence.

I think from the outside looking in it can be seen as a really bad cynicism and pessimism that speaks of misery and a desire for others to fail. I'm here to tell you that that really isn't it, it's just really funny when things go wrong. I can only speak for myself but with so many awful and horrific things in the world, you've got to take the laughs where you can find them.

As inspiring and amazing as human endeavour is, the depths of man's incompetence is equally awe inspiring, and there is nothing wrong with failing horribly. The attitude that 'to win is all' and 'failure is unacceptable' may be a nice aspirational thing to put on a poster, but that's not life is it? I forget who it was but I heard an American say once - 'Everyone in America says "Have a nice day". You guys don't do that because you know it's impossible to have an entirely nice day "have a nice 15 minutes" would be a lot more achievable'. It doesn't mean that we hate everything and everyone and want everyone to live in misery (OK, maybe I do but not everyone else!). It just means we laugh at life, or at least thats my take on it. I'll try and put all this into a single sentence.


I love it when things go wrong, because then I know that its not all just one big fix.



And its really really funny.

Good points about working at weekends

This isn't a whiny post, I am here, to an extent, by choice.

Good points?

1) I can actually get some work done without my job getting int he way
2) It's a lot easier to justify eating junk food at lunch time.

Thats pretty much all I got!

Irritatingly Insipid Introspection

I am developing an increasing love of alliteration can you tell?

Anyway, as the header says this is going to be a dull 'ME ME ME ME ME!' post, so feel free to skip it. I decided to write it after reading about Olivia's change in outlook after making a fairly major decision about moving back to the states.

I’m not sure how I'm going to start this, it may turn into a life story but hopefully I will catch myself and just keep the bits in about opinions and my behaviour. And it is all opinion and entirely based on the way that I've dealt with things in my own life and how I will continue to deal with them because that is what works for me.

So, let’s talk about ruts - we've all been in them, before I went to Uni I was in one for the best part of 6 years. Actually that's not true; it's more like 4 and a half. Point is, I was in a crappy job (with some part time jobs on top of that) living with my parents with little to no prospect of busting out of the rut I was in and no view of how I even COULD get out of it. That's the thing, it is easy to get into the psychological trap of believing you're in a situation that you have no control over and that you'll have to wait some time before you can make any changes.

It's that last part I always had a problem with, I can't make actual defined plans because they are always wildly unrealistic or require a certain amount of things to be in place first. This is why I generally fall over and go and do something else with most things. That is because most things fall into 3 categories in my world - Things That Don't Actually Matter, Things that Matter and Things I Can't Change. It's not really that simple but essentially that is the system. Most bad things in the 'Things that Don't Matter' box can be improved by changing something in the 'Things that Matter box' or by working around/ignoring or accepting something in the 'Things I Can't Change' box.

All categories gain airtime in my complaining, ranting and general joking though 'Things That Don't Matter' monopolise because that stuff is funnier.

OK, so now you've been blinded by my philosophy, let’s go back to the previous life where I was working a lot and making myself really very ill. I can't follow plans very well, I'm good at the beginning bit (sort of) when I am all enthusiastic and I am good at the very end bit but the middle bits are when I go make tacos or get distracted by The Thundercats or something. What I found worked for me was time limits - kind of the 'lets see how things go until X, if its still crap I am going to do this thing'. Where 'this thing' is a definitive action that will force me to go do other stuff. In our example the move was actually 2 things, enrol in a college course and to hand in my notice.

It was the time limit that changed my mood though; it was the knowledge that there was a finishing post to aim for. It allowed me to voice my concerns about my future and make it known that I wasn't happy with the way things were going. Because I don't follow through on a lot of things (see categories of 'Stuff' above) and my age at the time, it’s understandable everything I said was taken with a pinch of salt. When the time came, I handed my notice in and suddenly there was an overwhelming desire to offer me more money, better prospects and some kind of career progression but I showed no interest and went off to college.

The first time I went to college didn't work out because I was really quite ill at the time and unable to read or write for much of that year but I went back 18 months later. The year I went to college for the second time was the worst I've ever had for reasons I won't bore you with (because the rest of this is so thrilling!) but managed to complete and get to University.

Point is all of this was based on a decision and a time limit I set myself. There was no time limit on when I should be done by just when I should start by; I had a start point and an end point. The start point was 'leave this job', the end point was 'get qualified, get a career'.

That seems to have worked - not everything went perfectly along the way, indeed a lot went horribly wrong but that's the beauty of not having a plan.

I am now in the fortunate position of having a decent job that I am good at and that I am currently valued for. There have been ups and downs here that have made me question whether I want to continue doing what I am doing, so I used the whole timescale thing when that happens but things have always changed for the better before those points come up so I carry on doing what I am doing.

There is a bigger timescale I have in my head that puts everything else into perspective, so the job and the career I currently have have become much more something I can be flexible with because there is an end point if I need one when the time comes, I only have a vague idea of the changes I may make but the timescale is there so I don't really care that much at this point.

OK so it was quite life story-ee, but no one forced you to read it did they?!

Jerry's final thought - Most of the things you think you can't change, you can, and if you can't - why the hell are you worrying about them?!

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

But Misérables apparently doesn't mean Miserable so this blog title loses all integrity after even the most cursory inspection. I'll let you know whenI start to care.

So Hannah came to visit on Friday for the weekend, something I'd been looking forward too with entirely too much enthusiasm and excitement, but then I am essentially a child so, again with the caring and letting you know.

I'd made a big fat beef stew in the slow cooker which came out nicely so we were able to collapse in our seats and watch some Invader Zim before going to bed. The reason for the visit was due to a delayed Christmas present, rather than an actual thing I'd got tickets to go and see Les Misérables at the Queen's Theatre on Shaftsbury avenue. It's a long and boring story but basically, it was Hannah's present so I wanted to make it her choice (not least because I have no idea when it comes to what is good and what is not in Theatreland!). Turns out Les Mis was her favourite musical, so there you have it.

I was fairly asure I would at least like it, I've been to a couple of operas and enjoyed the experience (except for Francesca da Rimini which is bloody awful) and I'd heard a couple of Les Mis songs in the past and they seemed tolerable.

Anyway, long story short. Go and see it, it is absolutely astonishing. I have nothing bad to say about it and I have no piss to take from it - this is a ridiculous rarity - normally I can find something to have a joke about even about things that i love. I enjoyed it so much I actually felt guilty about getting her a ticket for the show as a Christmas present, as I got at least as much enjoyment out of it as she did!

I can't stress enough how much you should go and see this show, if only for the amazing spinny, rotating, super transformer, Mechano-esque set!

Best weekend I've had since moving, bar none.

The Apprentice

And so another battery of 'Reality' tv begins. I watched some of this show a few years ago, and as is always the case with things like this, if I carried on watching I would get an embolysm. Unfortunately people start discussing it at work - who is best, what they did wrong, who should be voted off blahblahblah.

The premise for this show is what I find most funny. As with all shows of this type, the country is trawled and the most loathsome pieces of filth are dredged up and paraded in front of the TV. The difference between this show and other shows is that these ones wear suits.

Now, everyone on any reality show has a massively inflated ego that vastly dwarfs their actual talent, but this one is truly amazing because they are competing for a job that pays a huge some of money (it was 100k per annum when I saw it 3 or 4 years ago). They go about this with a lot of gusto, incompetence and hot air (hey! maybe I should apply?!). My favourite parts are when the say 'I am the best in the world at X!' or 'No one can possibly compete with me in business because I have the sharpest mind in the world!'.

OK, so that leaves one question then doesn't it? How is it you need to go on a show in order to win a competition rather than go out and actually get a job on your own merit, make your fortunes that way? I think you'll find its because there are people out there infinitely better than you, in more ways than one.

I think you could probably condense all reality shows into one big 'Last Man Standing' cage match. It would be cheap, entertaining and would have the added bonus of removing these people from the gene pool.

This is what I'm like when I hear these shows being discussed, so you can see that by not watching them I am probably providing a great deal of public safety.

Irony

I had a massive post here about the lazy way in which we Brits use the 'Americans have no sense of Irony' or 'they don't understand sarcasm properly' kind of comments in order to give ourselves a fuzzy sense of intellectual superiority. It was thoughtful and I thought quite good, basically blaming the media that comes out of America and the examples that we are presented with through popular culture that reinforce that inaccurate setereotype - for example :



However, as I was writing I was listening to Stephen Fry's podgrammes number 2 and he opened with pretty much the same comment and attacked the sentiment with far more vitriol and eloquence than I could possibly muster and also I do enough plagiarism on the podcast without it spilling over into this blog. Just bear in mind that I am a hypocrite and will no doubt be guilty of rash generalisations to this effect again at some point in the near future. Just be assured that when I use the term 'Americans' I am aiming at a particular subset of the 300+ million of them and have bee too lazy to make that difference clear. Just like when I talk of 'America' I am usually discussing the government.

Anyway, just to prove that this entire statement is a complete nonsense:

Clicky

Album Review? Well, why the hell not!

OK, so as you all know one of my favourite new gadgets over recent months has been my DAB radio, especially thanks to 6 Music. With the exception of the venal, vapid, banal gobshite that is George Lamb it's like listening to and independent record store. You know the kind, you walk in and the guy behind the counter knows absolutely everything there is to know about every album. Also the music is totally random, sometimes like listening to someone's personal playlist. You could be listening to the latest track by Arcade Fore one minute followed by an obscure track by the Dresden Dolls the next. As I say, George Lamb seems to be someone they wanted on Radio 1 but didn't have any room so put him on this otherwise great station. I don't normally care about DJs but I object to someone interviewing top class bands and evidently having no idea who they are because he isn't aware of anything outside the top 10.

Anyway, I digress. George Lamb has flaws too numerous to go into here.

TThe point is that I have cancelled my cable TV because I only watch it because it happens to be there and much prefer sitting around reading with the radio on in the background. About a month ago I heard a song come on called Grounds for Divorce by Elbow, and amazing track that I loved. Luckily for me, 6 Music also started playing album tracks from the upcoming album including The Bones of You and The Fix.

I actually found myself getting frustrated after finding out that the album wasn't due to be released until last week, which is not like me - I generally just add to my music collection almost on a whim. It finally arrived yesterday and I have to say that it is a brilliant piece of work. I am about to wax a bit lyrical here so apologies in advance! I've never heard such a melancholic sound that brings no hint of melancholy with it. The album is at once poetic, witty and (from a layman's viewpoint) musically astounding. I can't telly how much I love this album, it's not often music 'speaks to you' but this album does it. I'm not entirely sure what it's saying but I don't really care, it's an absolute joy to listen to and you should go buy it right away. It's called The Seldom Seen Kid. Go, now! I feel a complete idiot for barely having heard of this band before, but then I've never been accused of having my finger on the pulse!

Incidentally, Guy Garvey the lead singer also has a 6 Music Show at 10pm on Sunday's as well as having his fingers in lots of musical pies as a producer and writer.

Shameless plug

We've uploaded another podcasty thingy and we should be on iTunes tomorrow provided we haven't said anything too libelous. http://geeksnammo.podbean.com/feed

[Edit]Episode 3 is now up too, this one almost sounds competent[/Edit]

Promise to stop plugging our egotrip now!

....and some more about food...

I started writing a response to 'Livs comment on the Thai food post but it was getting a bit lengthy so writing another rambling post instead!

Firstly 'Liv contends that Asian food is surpassing Indian as Britain's favourite. This doesn't surprise me at all, the British are all too fickle and in the modern age fail to show loyalty to one foodstuff or another. I am a true Brit and like traditional, home cooked, traditional, honest, traditional Indian food like our ancestors used to make.

So I went to the Thai place last night and it was very yummy, as expected. The room had that traditional seating with the cushions on the floor and the low tables. This was very cool but I suspect is there purely for the entertainment of the staff as they watch us all squirm about trying to work out exactly how to sit for any prolonged period without the need of the services of a chiropractor.

I had a pork won ton style affair for a starter and a spicy duck stirfry with egg fried rice for the main dish. I'm afraid I wasn't very adventurous this time around, I am usually quite cagey when I haven't been somewhere before unless I know with reasonable certainty that they use good ingredients and cook well.

Anyway, it was all great. As I say, we were in this special room with the low tables and cushions so we were obliged to take our shoes off and they were put away in a concealed cupboard. Ig you wanted the toilet, or go outside for a cigarette? It's OK, they supplied slippers for you to wear when you leave the room!

The only really disappointing thing wasn't, I suspect, really the restaurant's fault but more the fault of the area they have chosen to set up shop. There were no chopsticks at the tables, the default being spoon and fork. Now I prefer chopsticks with this kind of Asian food, I am crap with them but I do prefer them. I actually found it weird eating with fork and spoon, but to ask for chopsticks seemed a little pretentious to me so I didn't ask. Don't get me wrong, lots of people hate trying to use chopsticks and in places I have been before then they ask for cutlery and they are given cutlery. This is fine, I just think its a little sad that the propensity for this is so common that this place has chosen to go for cutlery by default. Or maybe I am just upset because I am crap with chopsticks so its almost like having a puzzle game whilst I eat.

All in all, if you're in Guildford go to Rumwong because it is yummy!

Again with the food....

I am off out tonight to a Thai restaurant in Guildford for a friend's birthday celebration. The place looks awesome and the people who's birthday celebrations these are rate it it very highly in terms of the food.

I've taken a look at the menu and it all looks yummy, if a little limited in the choice. I am slightly disappointed because there don't seem to be many duck dishes - something I often go for when in a particularly good Thai Restaurant. It's all good though, I love thai food and really want to learn to cook it from scratch without pastes etc, the same way I do with Indian food right now (I know its not 'authentic' but its as close as I will get!).

What sets this apart from other nights out is that I am not drinking as I am driving the shiny new(ish) Matt Mobile! So far I've not missed drinking when out and about when driving, though this is the first proper night where I am driving. I'm not sure if there are shenanigans after the meal, if there are I may cave in and steal soem floor space this evening!

Anyway, I'll let you know about the food, cos I can tell you are all giddy with anticipation.

I pledge allegiance.....

Are you fucking insane?!. Seriously, a pledge of allegiance? Can you think of anything more demeaning, patronising or vomit inducing?!

Now according to the Hollywood documentaries I've watched like Kindergarten Cop and Speed, this kind of thing is done in American schools but they don't even do it to a country or an unelected figurehead but to a rag on a pole. I'd be interested to hear how widespread this is though, or even if it is compulsory? Essentially Jo I am asking you as my token American reader!

Seriously though, what a ridiculous idea? I've always found this kind of thing quite insidious and more indicative of a society heading towards authoritarianism, a ruling class so insecure it needs to force the populace into empty gestures of loyalty. The sad thing is that if this kind of thing becomes the norm, which I doubt it will - I have great faith in this country's teenagers ability to subvert anything so 'pure'. But if it does become the norm, what happens to the people who refuse to take this pledge? Will they be ostracised and villified? Will children choosing not to belch empty platitudes be taught that they are somehow less British, less patriotic?

I really don't like this increasing emphasis from politicians on Patriotism and Loyalty. The very idea that you can measure these things by the things you say, whether you support the government 100% in all things. You can no longer protest outside parliament without booking in advance. You are also not allowed to carry literature or banners or protest in favour of any number of organisations the government has labelled terrorist organisations. Now this isn't just people like Al Q'aeda, but a whole raft of people who are simply considered terrorists by governments we happen to like. Like the PKK for instance. The Turkish government has engaged in several acts of ethnic cleansing against the Kurds and has one of the worst human rights records in the world - but they border Iraq so the American government likes them and they award us contracts to build damns that will ultimately wipe out Kurdish settlements, displacing thousands of people so we like them.

Sorry, off the point. Patriotism. I'll leave you with this. What's more patriotic ina democratic society - to question the motives and the actions of the government that has been elected to serve you, or to blindly fall in line and believe that the priviledged few who have been granted such power always have your best interests at heart and to allow them to erode the liberties and freedoms so many people died to protect in the name of 'protecting you'?

Pulling my finger out

So I've had my own domain name for sometime and done precisely nothing with it. Starting is always a problem with me, I have these great visions of what I want and they become so grandiose that I don't ever end up starting.

So. Instead I am going to use their lame templates for the time being so at least there is somewhere to make my new home, also if you guys prod me regularly to de-lameify the site I might actually be prompted to learn how to do something.

In other news I've uploaded a podcast Nick and I did about 3 months ago, so clicky here to listen on line to cutting edge up to the minute podcasting from December 07 ;) Or if you have a reader thingy put this in : http://geeksnammo.podbeans.com/feed. To avoid disappointment though, just don't listen to it!


[Edit] Decided to remove the embedded player, you can go get it from the source you lazy sods! Should be able to download from here if you don't like the other methods though[/Edit]


This isn't our first effort but it will do for now, we will likely do more whether yo like it or not but we'd still like your feedback. I'll probably avoid advertising it here from now on because I don't want this to become a shameless plug for something that is both unoriginal and almost certainly a waste of time. How can you avoid downloading after such a ringing endorsement?!

Oh Mr Toad!

"Come along! Hop up here! We'll go for a jolly ride! The open road! The dusty highway! Come! I'll show you the world! Travel! Scene! Excitement! Ha ha ha!"

Only a complete idiot would forsake the wonders of public transport in order to start driving up this country's God forsaken motorways, seriously someone would have to have had a lobotomy!

Well, I thought I would just set the tone. It would have been funnier if I meant it - give it a few weeks OK? :D

So I picked up my motory car (essentially a bunch of gadgets on wheels) last week and it still remains in one piece! I am very proud.

I got it in Wales back in the garage I used to work in 10 years ago. On the Friday I drove to Leeds and discovered the wonders of cruise control, it was awesome. This thing is so gadgety I haven't even played with all the buttons yet.

OK so the journey to Leeds was mostly good but I completely forgot that lorry drivers in this country don't so much receive training as get sat in front of a 24 hour Mad Max loop and then put in the cab of a 16 wheeler. I think they regard wing mirrors in the same way they do dangly earrings - sure they are very nice but essentially for girls.

There isn't so much a road system in Leeds, it's more like the local council vomited tarmac spaghetti onto the city and plonked a bunch of signs at random intervals. Luckily I found a use for bluetooth and have Tom Tom on my phone and a blue tooth GPS thingy so I arrived at Astrid's place without killing anyone. We had some birthday shenanigans in Leeds then on Sunday I was off to Hull.

Arrived without incident at Emi's place, on Monday we went for a drive around the area and ended up in Market Weighton. Here we had lunch. I say lunch - I ordered a mixed grill and ended up with a farmyard massacre on a plate. It was lovely but suspect they thought I had invited John Prescott to lunch because it was heavier than me! Met up with a bunch of people in the evening, including a couple of people I haven't seen in a good few years more of whom at another time (this is my travel post!)

On the way back to Surrey the next day all was well, decided I didn't need the Sat Nav and promptly ended up trapped in Watford after temporarily mislaying the M25. I've discovered that people don't actually move to Watford, it's just not possible to leave once you are there. Somehow I found a route out of the impenetrable road system and made it back after stopping off for supplies at Mr Sainsbury's shop.

I now have no money until the end of the month. Luckily, the freezer has been defeating me for months because I keep forgetting to defrost things. As a result I now have a bonanza of goodies in there to see me through and I shall eat like a king! Hah! In your face second hand free freezer! Not so clever now are you?!

That's my travelly thing. I won't be doing this everytime I drive, don't worry but it's about as interesting as me describing what I did in each of those locations (saw some great people, had some good times!). Besides, it's my blog so I don't care!

Transportation Anticipation

[b] This was written last Thursday on the 28th Feb, sorry for the delay! (yeah, like you care lol!)[/b]

Ok so I'm writing this post in TextEdit on the train back home, so this will be posted after the event but the long and short of it is that I am hopefully about to pick up my shiny new(ish) Matt Mobile (as it will be named until such a time as Hannah names it properly). Rather helpfully the public transport system has chosen to continue highlight the wisdom of this otherwise ludicrous seeming purchase.

Firstly, luggage. I've brought a messenger bag, a small rucksack and a laptop bag. I needed an extra bag as I am away until next Wednesday and Mr Maccy the laptop because I am on call later. Even these relatively small items can cause quite a lot of trouble on things like busses and trains, but I am a seasoned veteran and have long since worked out the best way of getting your bags to inhale. No matter how good you are though, any luggage larger than an Oyster card holder earns you scowls and frowns from anyone on the Tube. Child murderers are greeted with more friendly glances than anyone daring to carry luggage.

So I leave my house at a little after 9:15am, catch the bus which is about 15 minutes late at 9:45. Pensioners scowling at me, but then this is Surrey - most people scowl at you, it's a county where the equivalent of Friendly is 'Less Unfriendly'. Anyway, got a train to Waterloo - less scowls here, was quite a lot of space on this train and it actually managed to arrive on time which was impressive - public transport making a last ditch effort to retain my custom!

The efforts were in vain thanks to a guy, I don't know his name - let's just call him Vapid Organ Sack or VOS for short. Don't get me wrong, I understand why bluetooth headsets exist - they are good for people with no arms. And that is it. You shouldn't be on the phone when you are driving, no one is that important and if you think you are the get in the line marked 'Future Bio-Fuel'. Anyway, that point is moot because this particular gimp was on a train with one of those unnecessarily big blue-tooth jobbies on his ear. I work in IT, I've seen what a bluetooth aerial looks like and I can assure you nothing that big is required to hold it - the form factor of those things is purely for people who want to look important, nothing more. VOS proved my point. He was sat on the train, holding his phone IN HIS FUCKING HAND whilst having a lengthy and pointless and loud conversation into his bluetooth ear piece. I can't imagine there was anyone on the other end who could stand to talk to him for that long, I suspect he was trying to make friends with the talking clock.

*breathe*

Vauxhall. I got on a tube train here then appeared to get trapped in some kind of time warp because when I arrived there I had a little over an hour to get to London Euston in order to catch my train, as it was I arrived in Euston with a little under 15 minutes to spare. Most bizarre. Know one really knew why because rather cunningly every time we pulled into a station, the driver would speak over the 2 watt speakers on the train to explain the delay but just as you strain to make out what was being said, the station announcer comes on to warn us to be ever on our guard against suspicious behaviour (Daily Mail definition : Anyone with slightly swarthy skin) on her much more impressive speakers.

Got my train at Euston where I was reminded how fantastic this kind of travel CAN be sometimes. The luggage provision on these things isn't great, which is sort of fine for me with my selection of smallish bags so long as the train isn't too full but for suitcase people it can be a complete nightmare. This guy and his girlfriend got on with the biggest suitcase known to man and were looking for somewhere to put it. I didn't appreciate the size of the thing at this point, I wasn't paying huge amount of attention but I did call him over because the rack near me looked like it could accommodate another case. As it was, his case was too big - at least in the current arrangement. Within about a minute the rack was surrounded by owners of the bags currently in the rack playing a luggage based Bedlam Cube style game in order to get all their belongings plus this new comers case into the rack. It was really pleasant to see to be honest. The extra time spent meant the guy didn't disembark in time (turns out he was just dropping his girlfriend off) and is now doomed to a round trip to Chester, but still.

So now I am hoping we arrive on time, my dad picks me up at Chester station to drive back to Wales so I can proceed to get the car. I know me though, something will almost certainly go wrong, I will have forgotten something fundamental so I can't get the car or I will forget to turn the steering wheel or something.

So this is the most efficient journey home public transport has to offer and by the time I get there I will have taken a little over 5 hours - which really isn't that bad at all. By car it's anywhere between 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 hours (or 9 if you are my dad and don't believe in maps or directions). but there is the luggage thing, the convenience thing and the fact I can just go based on my timetable not someone else's. That and the fact that it took me longer to get from Fetcham to Euston that it will from Euston to Chester.

Maybe now they have lost such a valued customer we will get the radical public transport overhaul we have all craved for!


PS - Don't worry I still won't be saying 'I need a car'. If I needed one, I would have bought one that was necessary, not shiny and buttony!

Still Alive

Just been prodded back into life by Livvy.

Don't worry, your grumpy neighbourhood purveyor of ill informed and barely coherent opinion will be returning this weekend with a Bumper Bonza Bonanza of Blogging. Well....2 posts, one of which I wrote on the train last Thursday.

Also there should be some podcast goodness, one is about 3 and 1/2 months old and we are talking about 'new' technology, so it will be like voices from yesteryear! Just as soon as I can get Nick round the [strike]flat[/strike] studio that is. There should be a new episode too and you can all start wondering about the mystery episode 0. Oh, if you can think of any content you think we should have just email geeksnammo[at]gmail[dot]com. That's our work in progress name for the thing but if you have anything better, email it in - there may even be a prize!.....oooh....might have found something to talk about there......