Tales from the Crypt

I turned 30 last Sunday and I am feeling surprisingly spritely. I think you'll agree that there are only a handful of plausible explanations for my apparent good health:

Reason 1: Inspired by my grasp of fingerpaints, my parents decided I was a child prodigy but they realised that the school (run by The Man, cunningly disguised as Mrs Jones) would not accept one so young. They forged my records and claimed I am older than I am. Once they realised their error in judgement regarding my cognitive ability, it was too late to rectify the situation.

This would place me at least a year younger than my published age of 30 and also explain my poor choices in secondary school. It all fits.....

Reason 2: Aliens.

No explanation required....it all fits....

Reason 3: It's entirely possible Mephistopholes was around on Saturday during the celebrations and, at a loose end, bargained for my immortal soul, granting me extra time before my spiral into the clutches of Death.

If this is the case, he kind of loses because I am already dead inside. Of course, that in itself may be the result of another contract I signed in a similar drunken stupor with another Infernal bargain-hunter. If this is the case then I could get a few more years just out of the legal wrangling alone. This would make me a genius (see 1) and also it all fits.........

Reason 4: I have mastery over time. Evidence? All my favourite things from the 80s are cool again!

Granted my mastery looks like it only extends to what I deem cool, seems incapable of bringing back my flat stomach and also has brought back pastel yellow as a fashion choice for men. Every power has it's limits, so this .....all fits.



Me after my birthday celebrations, I'm told you can't see any wrinkles or grey hairs...

Yay though I walk throught the valley of Death....

So I'm 30 on Sunday and apparently this is a big deal. I hadn't really planned to do anything other than buy some cardigans and prepare for the icey Hand of Death to land on my shoulder. My logic was thus: 'Things are a bit busy right now and besides, I'll be 30, surely it's a big enough number for me to justify having a 12 month celebration?'. The idea was basically to do a bunch of stuff I've been meaning to do but never really got round to - see more shows, especially comedy gigs, go see some different places. Nothing out of the ordinary - just pulling my finger out.

Then 2 things occurred to me. Firstly I am no longer as busy as I was and secondly it will be less effort to go out and do something than it would to not go out and explain to people the logic behind not going out. So. I'm going out.

So far the plan is food and frol in Guildford on Saturday night but I am open to suggestions - it's just I have a few friends I haven't seen in an age down Guildford way. Obviously after midnight I'll be explaining to everyone how 'I remember when all this was just fields' (as opposed to the Iraqi 'I remember when all this was just buildings').

The age is clearly getting to me as I don't think I have posted before work before so I am clearly developing the knack of getting up at 4:30am to build a non-existant fire and start boiling the evening meal's vegetables.

It's been a while since I had a proper night out around here, so Saturday is as good a day as any, feel free to join me - just follow the smell of piss and talc.