Americans say the funniest things....

I know it's clichéd to take the piss out of Americans but there is no getting around the fact (or indeed the woman, not without a map, compass, climbing equipment and a few days rations) that this woman was American, so there isn't a lot I can do about this.

We were at a Starbucks in Niagara, Nick and I. We just sat down to drink our beverages next to a family of Behemoths balanced precariously on the surprisingly sturdy chairs. The smallest one had evidently been elected to go order the beverages because the matriarch of the group was doing her best impression of what the Harpies in Jason and the Argonauts would sound like if they were from the deep south. The call was to attract the attention of her long suffering daughter (I assume it was her daughter, she was a smaller, younger sphere with a similar face) to make a request for her beverage:

"Don't forget to ask for mine extra hot!"

I'm sorry if this is a common thing that I am ignorant of but......what?! I mean...how?...what?! OK, my understanding is that the water comes out of the thing virtually in a vapor, that's right isn't it? Does she want to chew the beans and suck on the steam nozzle? Someone explain this to me, please. Are there an elite few coffee drinkers who scoff at us poor saps who have to deal with merely scalding beverages?

These aren't rhetorical questions, I need to know. Maybe it wasn't a family of big fat fatties but they'd been artificially inflated by the steam from there extra hot coffees? I didn't see them tethered down but they could have had particularly heavy shoes they'd had specially made?

inquiring minds need to know

Wedding bells and waterfalls

So I've been off here for sometime but I plan to blog quite a bit over the weekend and hopefully get back into the swing of things. Also giving some thought to having another crack at pushing gravybrowning back into some development action - I'm going to get a hold of wordpress over the weekend and see how I get on from there.

Anyway, I digress - I'm in Canada at the moment - Toronto to be precise but I'll get to that later. The reason I am here was Nick's wedding, I am going to post some pics on my facebook page around that when I get back to the UK - though I was best manning so I had to entrust the photographing to the bride's mum.

There aren't really enough words to describe the falls themselves - even the crappy American falls are pretty awesome but the horsehoe falls were mind numbing. We did a couple of trips on the maid of the mist which takes you right to the base of the falls and gets you quite damp, but it is well worth the little money they charge for it. I would go into greater detail but it always annoys me when people come back from trips like this and they waffle on about how amazing the sights and sounds are - they can't possibly hope to convey anything of the feeling of being there, no matter how many hundreds of photos you show me! So there will be photos on my facebook page but nobody is forcing you to look at them OK?

Everything around the falls was utter tat though. Imagine someone who has had Las Vegas described to them by a blind madman in a language they didn't understand. Then that guy goes to a mentally unstable town planner and describes the same thing using crayons and spilled pudding. That town planner then builds something vaguely resembling that picture. That is pretty much what surrounds one of the great natural wonders of the world - Neon, plastic, vile, tacky. Shit.

If you go to the falls, just go to the falls and go for like a day because unless you have a reason to be there it can be quite soul destroying.

Happily I had a reason to be there, as did Nick, Kara and all the family and friends who had traveled for the occasion so was kept pretty busy for most of the time that I was there, mainly trying to make sure Nick was in the right place at the appointed hour. He wasn't nervous or getting cold feet you understand, just.... well put it this way - I have never met anyone in my life who has such a limited understanding of the passage of time. I can only describe this in two ways - at great length or in a brief sentence - we'll go for the latter. OK, here goes. Imagine 5 minutes. Got it? OK now you just need to imagine thinking that every single thing in life takes 5 minutes and, more than that, all other measurements of time are just different ways of saying '5 minutes'. That's Nick.

OK, I thought I'd posted this a couple days ago but apparently blogger broke and I no longer have any idea what I wrote. Knowing the way I write I am not going to put myself through reading this crap so I will conclude with this, and hope it isn't in the verbal vomit above : Nick and Kara are now Mr and Mrs Brooks, the wedding, the bride, the setting and the ceremony were beautiful. Nick managed to not look like a bearded coat rack, basically it went brilliantly and I wish them all the happiness in the world. Well. Not all of it, they can't have the bit of happiness I get from cartoons or food. But they are welcome to the rest of it.

Thanks for that little nugget of wisdom.......

It took a government commissioned report to recommend that the government shouldn't really be selling our personal information to private firms.

has anyone else just had their corneas burned out by that blinding flash of the fucking obvious? I believe the next report says that embezzling public money should be frowned upon .

Cocksucking fuckwits.

Victory!

That's right! The oppressed badger population has won a reprieve from the evil feline controlled conspriacy to do away with our stripey backed friends!

Bovine TB! Pffft! Why would a badger have Bovine TB eh? And what are cows doing wandering around the woods in the middle of the night anyway? They are asking for trouble. It's like those people on the Claims Direct adverts - 'I was carrying a bucket of hot tar across an ice rink whilst playing the banjo when I slipped and fell'. Good! You're a fucking moron and the world just got lighter! Call it natural selection and move on!

In other news I am doing a big clean out tomorrow in my flat. In much the same way that there are 5 major food groups, there are 3 majpr crap groups: Crap to throw away/recycle, Crap to go to a charity shop and Crap to go on ebay. I may take pictures of mounts Tipolata, Charimonjaru and the Himebayas if they are suitably impressive.

Either that or I will play Madden '08 surrounded by rubbish - place your bets.

Errrmmmmm......

So I haven't really blogged in a while, apart from the Kid Rock thing. Mainly because I wasn't sure what to blog about, poking at the Daily Mail holds an unlimited amount of fun/frustration for me but it has to get tired for the 2 people that read this.

Then it occurred to me that most of what I write will be tired and so I have returned! I am going to provide you with some brief highlights of recent months and then maybe get back into the flow of things over the coming weeks. I know, you feel ever so lucky.

So. Beginning of June I went up to Hull to visit Kirsty for her birthday, catching up with Hannah and Emi (first time the 3 of us have seen eachother together for over a year and probably 2 or 3 years since the 4 of us were together!). I was only really there Friday night and Staurday, then I drove to Wales in time for Sunday dinner at mum's place (woohoo!).

The next few days I went up some of the local hills and woods and did some GPS treasure hunting (check out www.geocaching.com) , visited Mike for some Chili of Deathly Doom and generally got drunk and merry. Top banana.

On thursday the 12th, Rich, Rosie, my brother and I went to Donington for Download Festival and there we remained until Monday (if anyone is at all interested in this, pelase comment and I will regale you with tales of adventure and tents).

Then I went back to work, in a few weeks I go to Canada for a friends wedding - i currently have about 50% of the trip booked into hotels around Niagara, I am still deciding what to do with the remaining 4 days but I am sure i will think of something :D

OK, so that's briefly what's been happening - the devil is in the details and i may write something about some of the many dumb/ill advised/etc thingas that I have done/bought/tripped over recently if the whim takes me later.

The Rules according to Kid Cock

I was going to write a thing about my recent Download Festival experience but thought that would be very dull for everyone - just like the 200 pictures I uploaded to Facebook! Instead I am going to write a nice response article to this one about Kid Rock.

Just for a bit of context, he was supposed to play the main stage but an announcement came on saying that he ahd been taken ill and Disturned would be playing a longer set instead - as my friend so nicely put it 'There was an audible cheer'. Anyway, here are Kid Rock's real rules (you'll need to read the beeb article first):

'START WITH THE SONGS'
That's what equals success in this business - good songs and good music that connects with the people. Trying to get it through the powers that be to get to the people, that's the hard part. harder still is convincing the people you got through to that you didn't just steal the music of infinitely more talented people and palmed it off as your own, you need to some really REALLY dumb fans for that. But a well stolen song will always break down those walls.

I don't think there's any secret to putting on a great show - it all stems from good songs, which is why i am careful not to release anything I've written myself as a single and just rely on other people's riffs that I pitifully remix in the vain hope no one notices. Once you have good songs, it's all about crafting your spiel.

'ENJOY THE FRUITS OF SUCCESS'

I enjoy it and I have fun, but at the end of the day I try not to hurt anyone and really enjoy life.

Honestly, what I like to do on the road is enjoy the fruits of our success. I like to take people to dinner. I like to take my band and friends to dinner and pay for it and enjoy being around them because they're like family. I particularly getting totally fucked up beyond all human recogition and pulling out of festivals that I am suppose to be performing at.

Sometimes I like to close down the pool at the hotel we're staying at and have some fans over and everybody gets naked and goes for a swim. Essentially it's me in a pool, naked.

'STAND BY YOUR FRIENDS'

I stick by my friends and family, through thick and thin.

Even if somebody did something wrong who was close to me, I would take their side because I don't really have the courage of my own convictions.

That causes a lot of problems, but those problems are what make you stronger. You need some scars, some cuts for people to identify, especially when you're in the public eye, for people to know who you are. Or at least that's what big Frank tells me when he gets me to dress up in that special outfit....that's normal right?....I mean, that's just what you do for your good friends. And pay them, Frank says you pay your friends, and let them introduce you to German business men with 'special tatstes'.

Integrity translates into people's music, which is I think why I've been so successful because people believe the people who wrote that music and when they hear the dodgy lyrics I write over those tracks, they assocaite the music with that kind of talent and integrity, so I get kind of respect by association.

'HANG OUT WITH DECORATORS'

I'm a skilled craftsman in my trade. Successful plagiarism and theft isn't as easy as it looks!

I look in the mirror and look at other musicians and say: 'Am I as good as them, am I better?' The answer is clearly no, but successfully convincing people the answer is 'yes' - that's the key, that's the trick.

And I always surround myself with good people. My dad always told me: 'If you want to be a painter, don't hang out with a carpenter.'.

So I surrounded myself with the best painters that I could and I've tried to learn from them. When thjat failed, I just nicked all their stuff and painted over bits of their stuff and palmed it off as my own work. I like to think of it as the musical equivilent of painting by numbers, but one where some other kid has already meticulously filled in most of the pony then I come along an smudge crap all over the lines, essentially making something that was really quite good quite considerably less good.

'STEAL EVERYTHING'

I don't mind people stealing my music, that's fine. But I think they should steal everything.

You know how much money Tommy Hilfiger has? If you need a new laptop or a new iPod, you know how much money Steve Jobs and Apple have?

If you're going to steal music, steal everything - but then just pretend it's yours - that's the key here. Steal shit, and then pretend it was yours in the first place - this works for ideas, music - anything intangible.

Do I steal things? yeah I fucking do! I steal things and now I'm rich.

The March of Democracy

The problem with the British is that we have no stamina for democracy - we've had enough after 2 of the 4 weeks of a general election. In America, they really get it - 6 months of campaigning just to decide who gets to campaign in the actual campaigning period for the presedential election. And even if you win there is no guarantee that you win! I like that last part, adds an element of suspense to the proceedings. Of course, if you want to get ahead of the game all you really have to do is add up how much each party has spent on campaigning - its probably why ours are so rubbish. Hundreds of millions of dollars spent bad mouthing your opponent as baby eating, devil worshipping goat fuckers is what democracy is all about.

Of course, as with most things America isn't really as good as. Despite the big flash over the top, expensive show you really need to come to Britain for wild misrepresentations of the word 'Democracy'. It's only here where you truly appreciate the beauty of what the ancient Greeks REALLY meant to happen. Democracy should, of course, be broken down something like this:

The Party that receives about 35% of the vote should get over half of the 646 parliamentary seats.

The Party that receives 32% of the vote should receive about 200 of those seats

The Party that receives just under a quarter of the vote should get less than 10% of the seats.

This way democracy and power can be kept out of the hands of the people. This is VERY important, if people start getting the idea that their vote might count it's entirely possible that they'll realise that there is more of a choice than just the Conbour party and the Laservative party.

And we can't have that.

Big Smelly Cults

Hannah showed me this story yesterday.

I can understand the confusion really. Most major religions go for the 'Magic Man Done It' methid of explaining everything, whereas those crazy cats at the definitely not a cult Scientology corporation went for the 'Magic Aliens Done It' approach. They are subtley different, but unfortunately the lack of 'Man' in there stops Scientology from being a religion.

It does exhibit many of the traits of a cult, its cultish behaviour and the fact its members act like such cults really does them no favours. As far as cults go it could, by some, be considered to be one of the most vicious, insidious and evil cults the world has ever seen.

Another view could be that its just a pyramid scheme, but not a normal one. Pyramid schemes are aimed at desparate and stupid people. This pyramid scheme is aimed at really, properly stupid people though. They even test you at their centres using a special 'Barely Simian Retard:Bank Account Size' measuring ratio to see how appropriate you are for their special club.

On the other hand, like religions, original thought is frowned upon. Also, like other major religions, the fact that their belief system is based on 'facts' that fail even the most cursory of inspections generates a huge amount of insecurity which in turn results in massive overreactions to criticism and questioning. The huge investment that people put into these ludicrous belief systems makes them terrified of the thought that they've just been taken for a ride and they'll go to great lengths to cling to them.

So is Scientology just a big fat hairy cult populated by culty cultists exhibiting cultish behaviour in their special cult whilst insisting that it definitely isn't a cult?

Well. Yes, of course it is - any moron can see that.

London Mayor

In keeping with my ability to keep my finger on the pulse of the news, I am going to talk about something that happened last week.

For those of you that don't know, a caricature was recently elected as Mayor of London. We like to think we are pioneers in this country, but whilst Mayor of London is a powerful and influential position we were already out done by the Americans in 2000. They elected a caricature to run the entire country, and that really takes some balls. As is often the case with horseplay, they have taken the joke a little too far, rough housing often results in broken bones, nose bleeds and unstable socio-political situations in large regions of the middle-east.

But we shouldn't be too downhearted, even though Boris won't have the complete scope to wreak the same kind of havoc that George has, his is a unique position and he has the opportunity to carve a niche for himself in world history as London mayor. Boris started his build up to the office of mayor a few years ago by periodically offending regions in the UK, this is a preamble to ostracising whole countries with Prince Phillip style 'quips'. Once he's stopped those pesky foreigners coming into London, he can get rid of the working classes and bring London back tot he days of Society where it belongs.

OK, I had a whole load of other things to write but luckily for you, I have to go do some work! Bottom line is this - I really can't wait to see Boris in action, Londoners really deserve everything they get if this is what they are going to do with their vote.

Clash of the Titans

Sometimes 2 national institutions will go head to head. Sometimes leading newspapers known for journalistic integrity, researched articles and the inside scoop will try to outdo eachother so that they can increase their circulation whilst revealing truths and scandals to their eager readers.

Luckily, The Daily Express have none of these troublesome things to bother them so just went with the 'We are 10p cheaper than the Daily Mail!' approach to circulation growth. There is a lot of subtext in that statement, to the trained eye it reads as follows:

'Like racism? Like barely literate reactionary Bile? Like ill informed opinions written by sub-simian, hate filled hacks? - Get all that for 10p less than your usual source but also with news about a long dead rich woman!'

At least they're honest. They aren't claiming that they have anything worth reading in their pages anymore, merely that it is so worthless they are having to undercut one of the lowest forms of gutter press this country has to offer. I just think Richard Desmond is missing an opportunity here. It would appear that the express is going to stop trying to be seen as a respectable paper (laughable I know, but some people really see it that way!), as such Richard Desmond is probably missing a trick - as Britain's most successful pornographer he could do lucrative tie-ins with such classy titles as 'Big Ones' and 'Asian Babes'. He could no doubt swing some free advertising on his TV channels dedicated to 'the arts'.

Maybe other papers cold start to follow suit. The Daily Mail could just have an 'odds and evens' page system. On every odd numbered page they could print in massive lettering 'BRITAIN'S GOING TO HELL IN A HAND CART!' and on the even numbered pages they can serialise Mein Kampf, perhaps interspersing the pages with cartoons of swarthy skinned foreigners stealing our jobs and marrying our women.

The Sun would become just a random assortment of words last used in a Carry-On film printed on a pair of novelty fake breasts.

Of course that would mean you'd have to make The Independent out of hemp and print it with the same stuff you use for henna.

I really hope this '10p less than the Mail' works for the Express. Maybe the papers will enter into a price war that will drive them out of business. Either that or the Mail will start to be free. Actually that wouldn't work either, The Daily Mail for free is called The Metro isn't it?


Sorry, this one got away from me. I just love the fact that a National Newspaper (and I use the term loosely) is selling itself based entirely on price. It's like battery farmed news vomit.

Work/Life Balance

I've not been as bloggy as I'd like of late, things are getting interesting at work. I'm not sure where things are with the whole Commercial-in -Confidence thing but there are changes ahead for the company but more importantly for my project and even MORE importantly than that - ME!

As things stand things are looking good and work is becoming very interesting and enjoyable for me again. It does mean I've been spending an awful lot of time outside work hours at work of late - it's one of those 'the only time I can get any work done is when I am not supposed to be at work' situations. This is fine, it’s not a complaint (thought I'd try a change) because it means in the long run I am going to be making my life easier. Also, I have things to look forward to in May!

April has been something of an arid month where I have been missing the moist soup of social activity. With the exception of a work night out which ended in the usual non-fun 'can't feel my face' way, I've pretty much done very little.

May and June look far more promising - check out this ocean of rich social broth:

Next week: Emi has said she is coming down next weekend so I'm going to look for something interesting for us to do that she might like - though its a bit of a pain because she likes the outdoors and many of the outdoorsy attractions aren't open in April/May. I am hoping the weather is good so it won't matter and we can just go somewhere (did I mention I have a car now? :p) NOTE: This is the only one that doesn't say 'this IS happening' rather it says 'Emi says this is happening'. I've been here 3 years, I'll believe it when I see it! lol!

10th- Hannah comes down the week after for a long weekend - I think we are going to see Les Mis again, this time in the cheap seats with Nick, Andrew and their partners. It'll be another Matinee so may follow this up with some dinner if we can be bothered.

17th- Vicky is going to cook a few of us her much vaunted Paella - she's been going on about it for months, while I know it will be nice it's great fun insisting its nothing but Uncle Ben's with some frozen prawns and I don't know what all the fuss is about.

24th - Visiting Ric Lowe in Southampton - this has been postponed 4 times so far. Each tiem something comes up - this weekend I was supposed to visit but had double booked with a parental visit. Now that has been cancelled too because I have to go to exotic Bridgend for a meeting on Monday. Oh yeah, its all Jetsetting in my job!

31st - Pedro Ramirez, International Latin Lover, is coming to visit me all the way from the tropical paradise of North Wales. I imagine we'll drink some.

June - I bailed on Glastonbury, even though I know I'd have a great time because of the people I would have gone with and the cool stuff you can do there - the line up is pathetic. Jay-ze may very well be big in the States but he is no Glastonbury headliner. I suspect Emily Eavis is desperately trying to appear like she has her finger on the pulse of the 'yoof'. Elbow and Kings of Leon are ace though.

I am still going to try getting a ticket for Download though, that’s the weekend of the 15th June. They have a brilliant line up and an excellent stage-split. They have the 'Really should be dead by now stage' featuring KISS, Judas Priest and Motorhead. The other two stages feature The Offspring and Biffy Clyro and the Lost Prophets & Jimmy Eat World respectively. The whole experience is supposed to be brilliant at Download too, so should be a fun time - as opposed to Reading which I always here bad things about - even though they have a mind blowing line up this year.

Anyway, social broth - As I am (hopefully) going to Download, I am going to take some time off either side and travel home for some time either side of the weekend, I haven't spent more than a day or two at home since about my 2nd year at Uni and will be nice to do so. May combine that time off with some visits to other friends but the plan right now is to go home. This also means that I will be travelling to this Rocktopia with Rich, Rosie and my brother Waffle.

This lets me kill about 4 birds with one stone - seeing friends and family at home, catching up with people I barely have contact with lately over the weekend, not having to test whether Eddie is capable of driving across a field as Rich will be doing the driving and giving me some bloody time off work!

Oh yeah, and I am going to Canada in July for Nick's wedding. Busy summer!

Worse than Flash Developers?

There is only one thing more pitiful than someone who thinks that Flash is in anyway a suitable tool for building a website. That is the kind of weak-willed moron who, 6 months after lambasting a product, goes out and buys it.

This kind of hypocritical moron pales in comparison to the barely simian, magpie crossed idiot who slags off a phone, renews a contract with acompany he hates, then 6 months later decides he's had enough of the poor service and bails on the company he hates. They don't care of course, because he still has to pay that contract, and to cap it off he buys the phone he previously laid in to.

iMean really, iWould hate to be that guy. LuckiLy iWould never succumb to eviL marketing liKe that, especiAlly a few months before a new version of said phone was to be released.

i'M totaly not a fanboy. DefiNately not.






iFeel so dirty,

Feeling the flash-based Hate

You can always spot when a pure engineer has designed a User Interface to something, because he has made something that makes perfect sense to him and about 3 other people and to everyone else it is Greek. Except to Greeks, to whom it is more like an obscure Swahili dialect.

I used to think the solution to a lot of this kind of computey (it's definitely a word, don't bother looking it up! trust the internet!) thing would be to get some arty types in to sort out the design. Unfortunately this theory results in the Graphics Designer. Who makes everything. EVERYTHING in Flash!

[Breathe]

OK, so what's wrong with Flash? Makes the site look all pretty and glossy right? Yeah. Now try and find something out about what you want. Wrong page? Click the back button - oh wait! The thing you clicked took you to a page that has magically removed the back button! And anything else useful that 15 years of Web Browser design and innovation has produced!

Here's my favourite - go to a website that is made of Flash and I guarantee that 1 out of 4 times the smarmy gobshite has hidden all of the menu items inside flash images. So not only does the thing start off more painful than an exploding appendix, you have to actively hunt for the things that will take you to the places that you don't want to go to anyway! - If I buy a novel I don't expect to have to figure out how to open it in a special way and then be presented with Magic Eye version of the bloody text! Use that principle and we'll be fine OK?

Here's another thing - you know how all modern and competent web browsers support tabbed browsing? So you can right click and select 'open in new tab' - so you can perhaps open up the details of a variety of products in one window? Not in flash - no sir! It’s left click or nothing! And if that's not the page you want? Right back to the bastard beginning you go!

There is also the propensity for showing you lots of stylish angles and lighting of different things - because you know, when I am in the market for a watch, the most important thing to me is how the face looks when catching the light of a log fire that I also don't own.

Show me a picture of the thing! Show a picture of it on someone's wrist. Tell me how deep I can theoretically go before water damage ensues, despite the fact that I will panic whenever there is moisture anywhere near it! Tell me how much it is; tell me where I can order and how. Do it now and do it quickly or I'm going somewhere else.

Evidently the watch example is from today and unsurprisingly, the more expensive the brand, the more obscure and unworkable the website.

The people who order these sites have to take some responsibility here, as has been pointed out to me - customers usually order things they have no clue about despite the best advice. This is especially true in IT. People want Flash because it is pretty and looks expensive. On the other hand, the designers have to take some responsibility - just because they are forced to work in flash does not mean they have to disappear up their own arses trying to be overly clever.

If you are going to commission a website to be designed, let me let you in on a secret. No one on this earth will take you seriously if you tell the poor sap who has to make it to do so in Flash. It is filth and should be left to the purposes for which it is best suited - funny online games involving chainsaws and zombies.

Now please excuse me, I have to go have an embolism. Or possibly an aneurysm. You get the idea.

Was it really worth 10 million?

To find out what everyone already knew and had stopped caring about?

There is a lot made of 'public interest'. In cases like this I have no respect for 'public interest'. They fall in to 2 categories - 'Nutter Diana obsessive desparate to forge some tenuous link with themselves and a dead traffic accident victim' and the usual ghoulish voyeurs.

Now 10 million pounds is a lot of money, it's nearly 8 billion US dollars*. For that i would want some real revelations, a bit more bng for my buck! None of this 'Diana Was Breathing Before She Died'** crap! I want 'Dodi was Mutant Robot Fiend Bent on Stealing the World's Custard Reserves' or something!

Pay 10k for a car, you'll get a Ford. Pay 100k and you'll get a whole lot of overcompensation, probably made in Italy. If tbhis inquest were a car then the salesmen saw us coming and sold us an '83 Reliant Robin as a 'classic car'.

I'm not saying all expensive court things should result in spectacular and fantastical outcomes I just think if you are going to spend so much money on engaging in such a worthless exercise in futility as this particular endeavou,r we should get something memorable out of it. And I don't mean a broken fountain.

So, in an effort to demonstrate what can be achieved for no money, I suggest we put together our own outcome. Answers on a postcard. Or, you know..... in th comments bit


*As I am avoiding the cheap 'Americans have no sense of Irony' jokes, I have to fall back on the 'Dollars are really weak' jokes. It's not my fault, its society.

**A genuine Diana story I saw on the BBC website once

I'm British, I can't help it

We find it really funny when things go wrong for people. I laughed and laughed when the Patriots threw the Superbowl away, not least because I despise their coach.

Its not just all wanting smug, self satisfied, over confident people you want to see fall on their arse once in a while. 'Things going wrong' has positive connatations.


Look at Zimbabwe, nothing funny about that right? Horrendous human rights abuses, corruption, power mad leader. Horrible things. But you HAVE to appreiate the humour in the fact that the ruling party seem to be managing to lose a rigged election. A rigged election which THEY rigged! I mean that is a special kind of incompetence.

I think from the outside looking in it can be seen as a really bad cynicism and pessimism that speaks of misery and a desire for others to fail. I'm here to tell you that that really isn't it, it's just really funny when things go wrong. I can only speak for myself but with so many awful and horrific things in the world, you've got to take the laughs where you can find them.

As inspiring and amazing as human endeavour is, the depths of man's incompetence is equally awe inspiring, and there is nothing wrong with failing horribly. The attitude that 'to win is all' and 'failure is unacceptable' may be a nice aspirational thing to put on a poster, but that's not life is it? I forget who it was but I heard an American say once - 'Everyone in America says "Have a nice day". You guys don't do that because you know it's impossible to have an entirely nice day "have a nice 15 minutes" would be a lot more achievable'. It doesn't mean that we hate everything and everyone and want everyone to live in misery (OK, maybe I do but not everyone else!). It just means we laugh at life, or at least thats my take on it. I'll try and put all this into a single sentence.


I love it when things go wrong, because then I know that its not all just one big fix.



And its really really funny.

Good points about working at weekends

This isn't a whiny post, I am here, to an extent, by choice.

Good points?

1) I can actually get some work done without my job getting int he way
2) It's a lot easier to justify eating junk food at lunch time.

Thats pretty much all I got!

Irritatingly Insipid Introspection

I am developing an increasing love of alliteration can you tell?

Anyway, as the header says this is going to be a dull 'ME ME ME ME ME!' post, so feel free to skip it. I decided to write it after reading about Olivia's change in outlook after making a fairly major decision about moving back to the states.

I’m not sure how I'm going to start this, it may turn into a life story but hopefully I will catch myself and just keep the bits in about opinions and my behaviour. And it is all opinion and entirely based on the way that I've dealt with things in my own life and how I will continue to deal with them because that is what works for me.

So, let’s talk about ruts - we've all been in them, before I went to Uni I was in one for the best part of 6 years. Actually that's not true; it's more like 4 and a half. Point is, I was in a crappy job (with some part time jobs on top of that) living with my parents with little to no prospect of busting out of the rut I was in and no view of how I even COULD get out of it. That's the thing, it is easy to get into the psychological trap of believing you're in a situation that you have no control over and that you'll have to wait some time before you can make any changes.

It's that last part I always had a problem with, I can't make actual defined plans because they are always wildly unrealistic or require a certain amount of things to be in place first. This is why I generally fall over and go and do something else with most things. That is because most things fall into 3 categories in my world - Things That Don't Actually Matter, Things that Matter and Things I Can't Change. It's not really that simple but essentially that is the system. Most bad things in the 'Things that Don't Matter' box can be improved by changing something in the 'Things that Matter box' or by working around/ignoring or accepting something in the 'Things I Can't Change' box.

All categories gain airtime in my complaining, ranting and general joking though 'Things That Don't Matter' monopolise because that stuff is funnier.

OK, so now you've been blinded by my philosophy, let’s go back to the previous life where I was working a lot and making myself really very ill. I can't follow plans very well, I'm good at the beginning bit (sort of) when I am all enthusiastic and I am good at the very end bit but the middle bits are when I go make tacos or get distracted by The Thundercats or something. What I found worked for me was time limits - kind of the 'lets see how things go until X, if its still crap I am going to do this thing'. Where 'this thing' is a definitive action that will force me to go do other stuff. In our example the move was actually 2 things, enrol in a college course and to hand in my notice.

It was the time limit that changed my mood though; it was the knowledge that there was a finishing post to aim for. It allowed me to voice my concerns about my future and make it known that I wasn't happy with the way things were going. Because I don't follow through on a lot of things (see categories of 'Stuff' above) and my age at the time, it’s understandable everything I said was taken with a pinch of salt. When the time came, I handed my notice in and suddenly there was an overwhelming desire to offer me more money, better prospects and some kind of career progression but I showed no interest and went off to college.

The first time I went to college didn't work out because I was really quite ill at the time and unable to read or write for much of that year but I went back 18 months later. The year I went to college for the second time was the worst I've ever had for reasons I won't bore you with (because the rest of this is so thrilling!) but managed to complete and get to University.

Point is all of this was based on a decision and a time limit I set myself. There was no time limit on when I should be done by just when I should start by; I had a start point and an end point. The start point was 'leave this job', the end point was 'get qualified, get a career'.

That seems to have worked - not everything went perfectly along the way, indeed a lot went horribly wrong but that's the beauty of not having a plan.

I am now in the fortunate position of having a decent job that I am good at and that I am currently valued for. There have been ups and downs here that have made me question whether I want to continue doing what I am doing, so I used the whole timescale thing when that happens but things have always changed for the better before those points come up so I carry on doing what I am doing.

There is a bigger timescale I have in my head that puts everything else into perspective, so the job and the career I currently have have become much more something I can be flexible with because there is an end point if I need one when the time comes, I only have a vague idea of the changes I may make but the timescale is there so I don't really care that much at this point.

OK so it was quite life story-ee, but no one forced you to read it did they?!

Jerry's final thought - Most of the things you think you can't change, you can, and if you can't - why the hell are you worrying about them?!

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

But Misérables apparently doesn't mean Miserable so this blog title loses all integrity after even the most cursory inspection. I'll let you know whenI start to care.

So Hannah came to visit on Friday for the weekend, something I'd been looking forward too with entirely too much enthusiasm and excitement, but then I am essentially a child so, again with the caring and letting you know.

I'd made a big fat beef stew in the slow cooker which came out nicely so we were able to collapse in our seats and watch some Invader Zim before going to bed. The reason for the visit was due to a delayed Christmas present, rather than an actual thing I'd got tickets to go and see Les Misérables at the Queen's Theatre on Shaftsbury avenue. It's a long and boring story but basically, it was Hannah's present so I wanted to make it her choice (not least because I have no idea when it comes to what is good and what is not in Theatreland!). Turns out Les Mis was her favourite musical, so there you have it.

I was fairly asure I would at least like it, I've been to a couple of operas and enjoyed the experience (except for Francesca da Rimini which is bloody awful) and I'd heard a couple of Les Mis songs in the past and they seemed tolerable.

Anyway, long story short. Go and see it, it is absolutely astonishing. I have nothing bad to say about it and I have no piss to take from it - this is a ridiculous rarity - normally I can find something to have a joke about even about things that i love. I enjoyed it so much I actually felt guilty about getting her a ticket for the show as a Christmas present, as I got at least as much enjoyment out of it as she did!

I can't stress enough how much you should go and see this show, if only for the amazing spinny, rotating, super transformer, Mechano-esque set!

Best weekend I've had since moving, bar none.

The Apprentice

And so another battery of 'Reality' tv begins. I watched some of this show a few years ago, and as is always the case with things like this, if I carried on watching I would get an embolysm. Unfortunately people start discussing it at work - who is best, what they did wrong, who should be voted off blahblahblah.

The premise for this show is what I find most funny. As with all shows of this type, the country is trawled and the most loathsome pieces of filth are dredged up and paraded in front of the TV. The difference between this show and other shows is that these ones wear suits.

Now, everyone on any reality show has a massively inflated ego that vastly dwarfs their actual talent, but this one is truly amazing because they are competing for a job that pays a huge some of money (it was 100k per annum when I saw it 3 or 4 years ago). They go about this with a lot of gusto, incompetence and hot air (hey! maybe I should apply?!). My favourite parts are when the say 'I am the best in the world at X!' or 'No one can possibly compete with me in business because I have the sharpest mind in the world!'.

OK, so that leaves one question then doesn't it? How is it you need to go on a show in order to win a competition rather than go out and actually get a job on your own merit, make your fortunes that way? I think you'll find its because there are people out there infinitely better than you, in more ways than one.

I think you could probably condense all reality shows into one big 'Last Man Standing' cage match. It would be cheap, entertaining and would have the added bonus of removing these people from the gene pool.

This is what I'm like when I hear these shows being discussed, so you can see that by not watching them I am probably providing a great deal of public safety.

Irony

I had a massive post here about the lazy way in which we Brits use the 'Americans have no sense of Irony' or 'they don't understand sarcasm properly' kind of comments in order to give ourselves a fuzzy sense of intellectual superiority. It was thoughtful and I thought quite good, basically blaming the media that comes out of America and the examples that we are presented with through popular culture that reinforce that inaccurate setereotype - for example :



However, as I was writing I was listening to Stephen Fry's podgrammes number 2 and he opened with pretty much the same comment and attacked the sentiment with far more vitriol and eloquence than I could possibly muster and also I do enough plagiarism on the podcast without it spilling over into this blog. Just bear in mind that I am a hypocrite and will no doubt be guilty of rash generalisations to this effect again at some point in the near future. Just be assured that when I use the term 'Americans' I am aiming at a particular subset of the 300+ million of them and have bee too lazy to make that difference clear. Just like when I talk of 'America' I am usually discussing the government.

Anyway, just to prove that this entire statement is a complete nonsense:

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