Thursday, October 09, 2008

Cereal Killer

I'm trying to start eating breakfast at the moment but I can't go around eating a pig every morning, which is pretty much what I do when I roll out of bed at the weekends and cook a farmyard slaughter on toast.

So. Breakfast cereal. As a general rule, I only eat Shredded Wheat when it comes to breakfast cereal. First of all, it's yummy. Second of all, when it succumbs to the the fundamental flaw that affects all breakfast cereal, it's yumminess doesn't diminish.

Which brings us to the fundamental flaw of all breakfast cereal. Milk.

The love affair between breakfast cereal and milk is beautiful but sadly shortlived, ending in mushy, inedible goo. Cornflakes are really quite nice, but by the time you've sat down, they've collapsed like a fat man on a paper unicycle and have all the appeal of brain fever. I've recently decided that I like Rice Crispies, this was appropo of nothing, it just popped into my head and I obeyed. So now I like them. Unfortunately they succumb to the squoodge-making lacteal embrace even quicker than cornflakes, which makes for some extremely quick, not very pretty, cereal consumption.

Surely someone should be inventing some kind of edible, tasteless, imperceptible cereal laminate? Fucking scientists pissing about with the fundamentals of the universe when they could be laminating my breakfast and making things hover! Unless of course they intend to make giant doughnuts once they are done, in which case I am willing to forgive them.

Being the positive, burning ray of summer sunshine that I am, I will look on the bright side. I generally roll out of bed around 15 minutes before I need to leave the house for work, so having to consume a bowl of Rice Crispies in the 30 seconds it takes for soggification to begin is probably helping me in some perverse, none indigestion related way.

PS Anyone who suggests any kind of chocolate flavoured cereal should be in any way associated with breakfast, kindly join the 'Gene Cleansing' line. You are wrong on every level and you are beyond redemption. That goes for you sick, perverted Nutella deviants too.

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