Monday, July 10, 2006

Categorsied Fear Mongering

Matt 'Who Needs Facts When You Have Spin' Jones reporting:

Hello Friends! Welcome to this special report on this most special of days! Why so special you ask? Well, finally we are catching up with the advanced terror detection techniques of our Transatlantic cousins. That's right, the government is going to be publishing what they feel the current threat of terror is on a given day.
While it's true that we haven't quite reached the level of technology where we are able to colour code abstract concepts, we have been able to categorise Terror into 7 distinctly vague and non-specific headings. The Americans have promised us their pigmentation technologies in due course but this is certainly a step in the right direction for those of us that dream of an Orwellian future.

So here follows the 7 categories. I have taken the liberty of explaining each level of Terror for you and given an example of what shape that terror may take alonog with any necessary action. Each increase in Terror level should incorporate all activities in previous levels:

  1. Negligible
  2. - People of Middle Eastern descent exist.
    • Action: Treat them with suspicion and/or hostility. Read the Daily Mail.
    • Manifestation - Suspicious (ie: not white) characters hanging about the place

  3. Low
  4. - People of Middle Eastern descent may live in this country, perhaps in your area. They may engage in activities and/or conversations.
    • Action: In addition to the above, the Daily Express is recommended for keeping up to date on the hundreds of millions of terrorist illegal immigrants that flood our land each day.
    • Manifestation - Suspicious(ie: not white) characters hanging about the place

  5. Moderate
  6. - There may be liberals abroad in your communtity. These subversives fraternise and mask Terror oriented activity.
    • Action: In addition to the above the most important thing to do is not to listen to their lies! They will attempt to prove things using 'Facts' and 'Overwhelming Evidence'. These are tricks of Terror sympathisers. When in doubt listen to our beloved leader reassuring us about how unsafe we are. Anyone you hear spouting lies about tolerance and sensible control should be noted down and handed in at the appropriate time....
    • Manifestation - Inoffensive seeming people being members of the 'Liberal Democrats' Terror sympathisers. Clearly anyone even vaguely Asian who is also a member of this group is to be treated with the highest suspicion.

  7. Substantial
  8. - Violence occurs in the world somewhere.
    • Action: Assume it is carried out by Arabs, become more fearful of people in non-standard Chav or Office wear. Or if they aren't white. Remember to read The Mail - it will reinforce your rightly felt fear of Muslims.
    • Manifestation - An increase in BBC news reports covering violence with their trademark abridgement. There is often no mention of Islamic extremism in stories of violence. Why is this? Who do they really serve?....

    • Additional Action - Become more Suspicious of BBC and Channel 4 News - Recommned SKY News, Fox News Streams and ITV.

  9. Severe general
  10. - Something bad may happen to someboday in the world at somepoint. Probably perpetuated by a Muslim or an Evil Minion of a Muslim. Possibly killer Muslim robots, though this is unconfirmed
    • Action: Only buy White goods made in nice countries like China.
    • Manifestation - Bad things happening to people reported on the news - Lack of Killer Muslim Robot reports - this may or may not be a continuation of a joint media blackout engineered by the Liberal Democrats and the BBC

  11. Severe defined
  12. - As above except that our glorious leader has come forth and spoken to the people.
    • Action: Listen, enraptured. Believe all that eminates from the Holy Visage of Tony. He cannot give you evidence, that would only serve to aid the Muslim Terror perpetuators and their Malicious Mechanised Minions!
    • Manifestation - Our heroic leader will speak to the people, telling them of the vision of Terror he has had. There will be those who use facts and may or may not specialise in the areas He speaks of, but they do not possess the Holy One's insight or vision! Further corruption of the truth by the Liberal Media - reports of Killer Mechanised Muslim Machines of Megalithic Magnitude still conspicuous in their absence.

  13. Critical
  14. - This indicates a real and apocalyptic Muslim attack.
    • Action: Quake in Fear and pray that Tony will deliver us before the Mechanised Gargants constructed in the blackened Muslim Volcanos crush us all beneath their iron shod boots.
    • Manifestation - Muslim Robots powered by the blood of Christian puppies stampede across the world converting all non Muslims and eating white people. No pictures exist as the Muslim run BBC blacks out reports. Tony takes the helm as 'Supreme Defender' and crushes teh BBC for our own protection.

I hope that helps you all out there. I hope to edit this report some more when I get more updates and time to do it! Stay Safe!


Olivia said...

OK. My head started hurting when I read that.

There must be some covert MI5 program designed to root out people who read political satire via little devices installed in the walls that send directed EM waves at our heads...

Talk about Orwellian...

Der Ozzman said...

That's hillarious Matt!

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