Friday, February 17, 2006

Noah's mini ark

I mean really, how many animals do we really need? As discussed in a previous post, some of them are a bit naff and the creator needs to get off his arse and start making some new ones and pretty pronto. For months I have waited for the arrival of the Squow or the Chew-ow-aaaaarggh! My patience has brought no results at all, our pleadings have wrought nought but disappointment. I thought long and hard about why this clearly soporific 'Higher Power' wasn't leaping at this chance to demonstrate his amazing powers of creation. Then it occurred to me that it might possibly be that he has filled a quota, there are enough varieties of animal on Earth and he isn't allowed to make more until a certain amount of the rubbish ones have been extincted.

So. Clearly we need to start cutting the wheat from the chaff at a more accelerated rate, some kind of separation needs to take place and animals categorised in terms of survival worthiness. I suggest 2 groups: Group A: Keeps and Group B: Losers.

The 'Loser' category will be thanked for their time and evolution but informed that their services are no longer required. A special team of special specialists will be on hand to delvier the news in a humane manner.

After this process, the 'Higher Power' should see the field cleared of all the unnecessary detritus he created in his early years, while he was building himself up to some more worthy creations, and start making some quality new animals for us to enjoy!

Now obviously we need to start finding which animals to keep and which to discard. For this I ask your input. Clearly we are keeping all varieties of Penguin and the Honey badger, that goes without saying but when casting your vote make sure you think about what you're doing carefully. I mean, how many varieties of antelope do we really need? They are all stupid and get eaten by things with big teeth anyway so let's have one universal 'I'm too stupid not to get eaten' Deer/Antelope thing for all predators yeah? Ok, I've kicked you off, let's see what kind of list we get going. The quicker we finish the quicker we can look forward to seeing graceful Squows arcing from tree to tree and Paris hilton's face being eaten by a Chew-ow-aaaarrrgh!

If this doesn't motivate our higher being into action then all the protesters must be wrong and we are in fact meant to play God with genetics. It is a gift for us to make amusing and/or dangerous mutant cross breeds to do our bidding.

10 comments:

Olivia said...

Keep: horses, rabbits, dogs, big cats, koalas
Lose: sloths, domestic cats, reptiles, wasps, hyenas

And we must be careful not to starve our keepers by losing their prey.

Famulus said...

Cats go. Yes, those domestic little evil bundles of mistrust can be the first to get the boot. Next we'll take wasps. I like that idea too Olivia. Now, what about termites and ants? Do we need them both? Midges and house flies drive me nuts in he summer so lets move their preditors on to something else and they can also be history. :-)

Olivia said...

Termites can go - they destroy houses. Ants are ok - birds need them (and midges), as do anteaters, but other than that anteaters are totally useless coz no one eats them, right?

House flies can go, just make more blackflies and greenflies for the birds.

MattJ said...

Hmmmm. I'm afraid we can't lose the sloth olivia! I was going to list ecological and practical reasons, but the fact is I think anything that is willing to dislocate it's shoulders so it doesn't fall out of a tree while it has a 20 hour nap deserves some respect. And they look really funny. And teir main food is a deadly poison.


All reptiles? Not sure we can go with that either, some of them are well cool!

Likin the other choices, particularly the distinctions between "proper" and "evil little shit" cats.

Can we lose small, pointless yippy dogs?

Olivia said...

I think the sloth is cool, but it has no point...it just takes up space in trees and makes a dump about once every two weeks.

Actually quite economical...eh, but still pointless.

FieldEffect said...

Lose the moose, it's a cow drawn by a three year old. Officially most useless animal ever.

Lose any fish that doesn't have an amusing ability that evolution is at a loss to explain.... possibly make an exception for the haddock, just to make people curious.

Lose any insect that can withstand an encylopedia being dropped on it or has enough intelligence to be able to scurry into a place where it knows I can't reach it/drop an encyclopedia on it.

MattJ said...

See, now we're thinking! Good selection there FE, we are well on our way to clearing the playing field!

I'd like to add those big bastard Moths that look like they are capable of ram raiding your house. they sound like B52 bombers!

Olivia said...

Oh yes, lose oppossums because they are flea-bitten mangy rodents and look like they were designed by a committee (common saying in Texas).

And get rid of cockroaches because some of them fly, they will survive a nuclear holocaust, and possums eat them anyway.

PimNimmin said...

To keep:
Honey badgers, Tube mice,

To lose:

MJ said...

Good luck at getting rid of cockroaches...f ro some reason they refue to go..i think is because most people find them to nasty to even kill them..and then when they do get killed they let go of their little eggs to be spread all over the place...nasty little things! Reptiles...definetely have to keep some... fish....we need them for sushi...rats and mice...we need them so that i can have some fun in the lab (sounds mean, but we need them for medical advances) and since we have gonne into the subject, I am certified to kill animal in a humane way as long as it is for medical research, so, with proper documentation I may be able to help with this whole extinction process.....but do not send me any cockroaches cause i'll scream!
and... by the way..anything that causes any kind of skin irritation, itching or swelling has to go!

 
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