Friday, September 30, 2005

Welcome to the Light

‘……..and yay, Pedr the Non Believer did eschew the true way, the right way, the Holy Path Of Light. Turned he from succulent morsels offered by the Vendors of Righteous vittles, turned he from all victuals that he suspected of growing naturally from the Good Green Earth, turned he from the Path. Forsaking goodness, his companions did wail and gnash their teeth when he did attend them at a Pilgrimage to the Holy Temple, Spic’d Bangla, and rebuffed the offer’d Light Imbued Victuals. Instead he did follow another path, another way.
Upon a visit to the Prophet Matthew in the Cold North, the Prophet did offer the Lost One holy fodder on many occasions, each time having his offers of salvation rebuffed. The Prophet sent out a Telephonic Prayer to the attendants at the Temple Raj Pavillion and shook his head in Woe as he observed the lost one place another Greyn’d slab of reconstituted Poultry Rectal Tissue in the Microwave.

The Prophet did mourn this mar on an otherwise Good Soul and pondered for many years in the Cold North on how best to lend aide to his worthy friend. Eventually the Prophet moved to the Darkened South amongst the Heathens and Barbarians in hope that he could find further understanding. Sadly, they spoke a strange dialect, bereft of ‘T’s, ‘H’s’ and’ ‘L’s’ and the Prophet struggled to understand the guttural tongue. He often consulted with the Path’s most virtuous follower, the Holy Father and consumer of Phaals – Michael. Alas, even these great proponents of The Way could not bring Light into the soul of Pedr.

All did continue upon this disastrous and unholy Path for many years, Pedr sinking deeper into his perverse depravation until an Autumn Eve, an Eve much like any other. But no, not like any other for surely the Angels did Bless and Grace this eve with their Holy presence!

Sitting in his abode, the Lost One was occupied with unholy thoughts of Microwavable Snacks and other such abominations. As he sat there contemplating his souls lack of purity he espied his Sire consuming morsels of a Moderately Holy Countenance. His curiosity did flare and ask’d him of the great Enlightened One ‘Pater, mayest thou allow a morsel of thine victuals to pass mine lips?’. The Patriarch was momentarily stunn’d by this most unusual request but quickly acceded as a flare of hope burn’d within him that his belov’d sone may at last be sav’d. And so it came to pass that Pedr did sample a piece of flesh from within the Righteous Fodder and said he unto the Enlightened One ‘Tis pleasing to mine pallet Pater, it’s holiness tempts my soul!’. ‘Glory Be!’ replied the Patriarch ‘Swiftly now, tryest thou the pulses and other elements of the dish so that we may continue thy salvation!’. Thus did Pedr, the one previously thought beyond all hope of redemption, place his first step on the Path Of Light.

After consuming several dishes Modestly Holy, Pedr did feel ready to re-establish contact with the Prophet Matthew. Said he unto the Prophet ‘Prophet! Glorious news, I have come to the Light and wish now to bask in it’s full glory! Wilst thou perform for me a Baptism? So that the world may know my nature!’. ‘I would be gladdened beyond all reckoning by this deed Pedr! It warms my soul to know that even the most unlikely can come to the Light once they truly acknowledge it’s greatness!’. ‘hearken to me, Pedr, 8 days from this day shall the ceremony be performed, at a holy temple of curry in Bless’d Crewe. Thence forth you shall be a Beacon burning brightly into the souls of sinners, showing that it is never too late to come to the light…………………………….’*

*From the Book Of Phaal: Vindaloo 13:27

7 comments:

AtaiDanu said...

Will have to come back and read that last post when I'm more awake.

Have a great day.

Pedr said...

Praise thee oh great master and forgiveth my previous sins. The light doth now appear so bright. I shall deprive me of temptation of the sacred foodstuffs until my night of Baptism whereby the pilgrimmage to bless'd Crewe is complete.

MattJ said...

There is no Master in the Way. I am merely a guide to those who are lost.

Pedr said...

I say you are the master, master, and I should know, I've followed a few!

lower said...

This post gives me hope that the evil of the Golden Arches may become a distant memory for you both.

It was fabulously and skillfully written Matt, too. I knew there was a reason why I bothered to check your blog...

MattJ said...

Genius comment Pedr. Thanks Rich, appreciate it. Took long enough to get the languaghe right lol! Golden Arches are rare in my life these days, I only attend them or their ilk when severely hungover and in need of salt and grease these days.

Pedr said...

This is not Pedr, this not a drill, this is now Jon - ok it was Pedr, but only cos Jon can't be bothered registering, anyway..I've been drinking...over to Jon of the bless'd Crewe...

As the owner of the said house of worship in the parish of crewe this poor lonley convert to the true faith, the disbeliever of the true path shall once and for all renounce the church of the golden arches lest face the stoning of many chilli, that maybe forced upon the heretic the pennance of thay'n master's brother the faithful eater of 13 chilli's!

And lowe everyone who shall worship at the church of crewe for they shall call and pray the name of Charlie of the bless'd temple of ALOKA. All praise the temple of ALOKA (praying is available till 2.00 am from tuesday 'til sunday, confession optional).

Praise be to the righteous for the finder of lost sheep (not in the prayers) shall be welcomed unto the flock of the sacred brethren.

All bow down and pray by calling 01270 555 curry heaven.

Faith be with you,

Brother Shaw.

 
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