Thursday, September 29, 2005

Blair Triumphs Against Evil Doer

Magnanimous Blair gives forgiveness

That's right, this miscreant was attacking the Noble and Christian Crusade that our glorious leader is carrying out in land of The Devil.

Hello, this is Matt Jones reporting from the 'Words from Heaven 2005' Tony Blair Conference. This event is held in appreciation of our Lord and Saviour Tony Blair. Initially this was to be a joyous report, where I would tell you about the Noble and Good work being carried out in the name of the Light over in Iraq, how women and children weep tears of joy in the streets at the passing of our troops and those of our Holy Allies, Bush-Force-Five.

Some cynical Hacks have suggested they are weeping because of their inability to feed their own families, or the lack of basic sanitation or even the suggested lack of power. Some go even further to suggest that they weep because they have a lack of faith in the gift of Democracy & Freedom(TM)* that our Sainted Leaders have supplied. Unfortunately, these hacks were unable to respond to Mr Blair's erudite request to discuss the matter. "Really? If you would like to move towards to the front, we can discuss this further.......little to the left" said The Holy Father, but in a cruel twist of fate a previously undiscovered Trapdoor opened beneath the naysayers and they fell into a an old medieval Spike Pit. Speaking about this tragic event, the Annointed One managed to comfort the Nation. "Even though they were but talentless journalists who provided nothing of worth in life and who sought to destroy this Great Nation, I mourn their passing. We can take comfort in knowing that in death they have provided the British Historical Society a unique insight into Medieval Death Traps".

Despite the event being marred by AntiBritish terrorists such as these reporters and Mr Wolfgang, the majority basked in the holy light of Mr Blair, and listened enraptured to the update on the Crusade delivered by his loyal Lieutennant, Darth Straw.

As a final word on Mr Wolfgang, the Chief of the Metropolitan Police (soon to be renamed the Blair Honour Guard), Sir Iain Blair, said "It's funny, he didn't look foreign, but after extensive investigations we found out he had a bit of a foreign name so it's OK". Since the event other members of Wolfgang's Terrorist Cell have been arrested in dawn raids. The chillingly named 'Over 80's only Bridge Club of London' have been in effect for over 30 years operating under the very noses of previous, less vigilant governments. "The name of this evil sect clearly indicates a devilishly callous plan to attack 'Over 80' of our beloved bridges in a cynnical attempt to undermine our transport infrastructure!' said the newly jack booted Sir Iain. The group are alleged to have been aware of possible plans/thoughts/indications of something vague and undefined possibly happening in the near and/or far future that may or may not have an outcome of a slightly offensive/inoffensive nature. Also one of them has an Asian green grocer. Thanks to the protection provided by the 'We can lock up anyone we like for no reason, nerrr nerrr!' Act of 2005, these deviants can be put away indefinitely without charge.

*Democracy & Freedom(TM) is a registered Trade Mark of BushBlair Industries 'Because those people don't really count'. Democracy and Freedom(TM) is in no way associated with definitions of the Anglo Saxon Words democracy and freedom and it is not the intention of BushBlair Industries to imply that any democracy or freedom will be supplied with the Democracy & Freedom(TM) Liberation Package. The Liberation package only secures the ousting of despots, with the provision that there is not to any actual ability to put up a pre-liberation fight. Any hint of actual weaponary will nullify any implementation of the Liberation package. Additionally, should said despots be nice to us, we regret to inform you that your country is not eligible for the Liberation package.
Apply for Democracy & Freedom(TM) now and, following an eligibility check, you will recieve an attractive carriage clock, and a metaphorical and probably physical kick 'Squah in the Nuts'.


Famulus said...

Dear Sir,

I am most distressed to see that you are using the heavily abbreviated version of the company name. Please use it's full title in future as this gives a much better indication of the emphasis of the company. The full title of course being BushBushBushBushBushBushBushBush- BushBushBushBushBushBushBushBush- BushBushBushBushBushBushBushBlair Industries.

Thank you,

Loyal Servant of Our Lord Dubya.

MattJ said...

Dear Reader,

I apologise for the abbreviation, but I fear you too have used an outdated version of the Industry name. As Cleansing The Nonbelievers is such a dynamic industry the new name is:

BushBushBushBushBushBushBushBush- haha! your our bitch now! we can what we like! Dance Tony Dance! BushBushBushBushBushBushBushBush-Blairm who's your daddy? Inc.

Famulus said...

I grovel before the giver of light and justice. I shall instantly renew my subscription to "Cleansing The Nonbelievers - Daily".

Interesting they they should include the term Who's Your Daddy. Cos that's us, you little arogant upstarts! And after all that they have been saying about the French, without help from the French they'd have never won independance from us. If anyone is going to slag off the French, then we will do it. It's traditional.


Damn, you see? I can't keep a single consistant opinion in my head long enough to complete a comment on a blog entry.


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